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[MADRASA] Marriage soon and SCARED!!!, The Mindless Dating Game - Happiness or Heartbreak
Anonymous
07/13/01 at 00:02:30
AS Salaamu Alaikum,               Ok I am loosing my mind because I may be getting married soon               insha'Allah and I can't believe it.  I have asked many many questions of the               brother and he seems soooooo great but I am still weary.  I think he could               defeinatly be somebody that I could grow to love dearly, we have the               same views on so many things, we have tons of stuff in common, his deen               is on point but I am SOOO NERVOUS!!!!  :(               How can I really know if he is right for me? I am keeping Islamic hayah               (is that right?) so we are NEVER alone and we don't conversate and get               chatty when my wakil or family is not present so everything is really               formal. I want to ask him what are his issues that he has that may be a               challenge in the marriage (because everybody has them) but how will I               know he is being completly honest and open with me?  All you guys who               are married and have gone through this process can please give me advice?                 I have talked to young married sisters and they assure me that all               marriges have challenges and stuff especially in the beginning and many               people are in arguments often with their spouses, even on the verge of               divorce! And these are Muslims! How do I protect myself from that??? They               tell me the key is istikhara and to be prepared for the struggles and               know what you are in for as much as you can.               How do I do that????               Please send me advice and words of wisdom!               Salaam

Re:  Marriage soon and SCARED!!!
Kathy
11/14/00 at 08:48:31
slm Put your entire faith in Allah swt. Ask Allah swt to bring him closer if he is good for you and take him away if he is bad for you. Than do a background check!

Re:  Marriage soon and SCARED!!!
SA
11/14/00 at 09:13:13
assalaamu alaikum wr wb masha'Allah, may Allah bless you, your family & your marriage, insha'Allah, aameen, if it's best. i strongly urge you to do istikhaara if you have not already, and pls do look into purchasing/reading the book, "The 3 Abandoned Prayers", by Sh. Adnaan 'Uroori (sp?).  it explains the istikhaara prayer very well...you can also look up the du'a on-line, plus i believe it was discussed on another thread, not sure which one tho, sorry.   but have faith & trust in Allah.  the istikhaara du'a, when done sincerely, should answer your questions, insha'Allah...one thing i've learned about istikhaara is that you will not necessarily get your answer right away, rather, Allah has a Plan, and that Plan will come at the right time.  so may Allah give you patience and guidance, insha'Allah, aameen.

Re:  Marriage soon and SCARED!!!
chachi
11/14/00 at 18:48:54
salaam    well at least you know something about him!

Re:  Marriage soon and SCARED!!!
Harisa
11/15/00 at 21:05:25
It makes me sad to see that you people would marry those who u dont even know... you should marry someone because u know they are the one for you not so u can find out later on in the marriage but then again...its your life...do what you want but personally...i could never marry the way you guys do... ok anywayz toodlez

Re:  Marriage soon and SCARED!!!
Sara
11/15/00 at 21:19:16
Assalam, You know what Harisa? I use to think the same you do now. I'm so Americanized.I always wish I could date. But the way we do it is WAY better than wasting time on dating. Marriage isn't suppose to be based on looks or anything. It's basically religion. ALMOST everyone I know (note i said almost)who's Muslim--their marriage turned out good. My mom got married when she was 14 and my dad was 17 (this was in the '70's) and they love each other very much. I don't know if this means anything to you,but oh well.

Re:  Marriage soon and SCARED!!!
Harisa
11/15/00 at 22:47:17
Well i guess your parents got pretty lucky....but i just cant understand how u can marry someone u have no feelings for...someone u r not inlove with...someone u know and are sure u r supposed to spend the rest of your life with.... its like in Islam.... Marriage is a deal...marry...man provide for wife..wife serve husband...produce more muslims...know your role and shut your hole... seem soo cold so manipulated sooo brain washed woooooooooooooooof i donno i dont care im not marrying anyone i dont love ill marry cuzz i love not so i can lol okk im going before i get tooo excited about this subject toooooooodlezzzzzzz

Re:  Marriage soon and SCARED!!!
Malika
11/16/00 at 13:19:05
Assalamu Alaikum To Anonymous - Believe in Allah and He will guide  you.  If you and your Husband follow what Allah (swt) has sent us then you are on the right path.  Allah Akbar!  Wallahu A'Lam Harisa let me ask you something? Those who date for years and then marry and those who marry cuz they love each other.  What are the guarantees there?  They also end in divorce.  You will find that they just pick up outside interest for the shortcomings of their partners and remember...they love each other.  Where do you get your information from about Islam?  Have you ever read anything which explains the how and why we do what we do?  Do you even know what the inside of the Quran looks like? If you are up to date with your own religion (whatever that may be) when man and women marry the man is suppose to take care of his wife and she is to take care of him.  Since by Nature man is suppose to be the breadwinner and woman is the nurturer (Allah made it that way) what then is the difference?  There are those who marry for love and they have pre-nuptial agreements - what is that for, you love each other! No, all marriages in Islam may not work out :( but believe me there are lessons in that failure.  If you believe in Allah(swt) then you will know He knows best and maybe He has something better for you. But to each's own - If you are ever guided to the light your views will become clearer.

Re:  Marriage soon and SCARED!!!
SA
11/16/00 at 13:23:10
Hmmnn...not sure if you're aware of this sister Harisa, but over 50% of all marriages where 2 people "fall in love" end in divorce.   Most cultures have their own norms when it comes to marriage, not all of them in accordance to Islam.  For example, a woman has a right to reject or accept any proposal (there are many details on this), no one can force anyone to marry, she has the right to ask for a divorce, etc.  Hard to find such careful consideration for both sides in any other teaching.  I may be biased, but all it takes is a little research, the facts are there.   As for present-day procedures, sure there are plenty of Muslims leaving the deen or going beyond the bounds of Islam and dating, etc.  But are there marriage outcomes any better?  Back to my first sentence. As for a lot of ppl in our generation, a lot of my friends met while in school, found out what they needed to know within the limits of Islam, got their parents involved and then got married.  Most are, alhamdulillah, happier than any love marriage I've seen.  Love is a whole other issue, to say that 2 people who don't carefully weigh their options, depend on Allah, and make the best decision they can based on Deen first, cannot fall in love (after marraige) would be false.  Isn't Allah the best of Planners?  I think every Muslim, insha'Allah, has seen proof of that.

Re:  Marriage soon and SCARED!!!
Harisa
11/16/00 at 17:24:28
YALL NEED TO CHILL OUTTTTTTTTTTT are u trying to say that dating is a cause for the divorces here in the west??? and Malika...yes i know what the inside of the Qur'an looks like.. thanx for asking Maybe yall should try dating before u criticize it...its kindda like what u do when u get engaged and start gettin to know eachother except in this case u get to know eachother before u decide whether u wanna get engaged hmmm which one sounds more rational doesnt take a genious to figure that one out as i see it...a lot of you will never know real love...you'll maybe know obligational love...since u r married to them u feel like u r supposed to love them so u start believing u do but anywayzzz yyourr problemmm OK I UNDERSTAND U R NOT SUPPOSED TO DATE...BUT I'D SUGGEST GETTING TO KNOW PEOPLE A LOT BETTER THEN MOST OF YOU WHOSE CASES IVE HEARD OF..ARE DOING...and marry someone becuase u r sure u want to marry them....and i mean absolutely sure..so u dont have to be scared of what might happen when u get married...so u r not freaking out before marriage anywayzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz soo much on that...i have a migraine and im going to bed im outttttttieeeeeeeeee toodlez

The Mindless Dating Game
bhaloo
11/16/00 at 17:49:09
slm I've known so many people that were "involved" with someone and then for some reason the guy/girl dumped them and they were hurt, hurt really bad, entering a state of extreme depression or even trying suicide.  I think this article written by someone anonymous sums up things nicely, and explains dating. The Mindless Dating Game - Happiness or Heartbreak Many unmarried people these days search for “love” in a series of premarital relationships, which far from yielding happiness, lead to nothing but spiritual degeneration, loss of self-respect, heartache and misery. When the average girl reaches the age of ten or eleven, she - sometimes with the knowledge of her parents, sometimes without their knowledge - becomes engrossed in and obsessed with the teen romance novel: a blonde, blue-eyed girl, with a perfect figure, falls in love with the football hero of the school, a few complications on the way (nothing major, of course), but things end happily after. In these novels, girl and boy might hold hands, or there might even be a kiss, thrown in somewhere along the line. By the time the impressionable reader of these novels reaches her late teens, she is sick of these story lines...and is searching for more. And is most cases, “more” is usually available right there in her home, tucked away at the bottom of her mother’s cupboard, in the form of adult romance novels. The holding hands, and the kissing has now made way for much more, as details of pre-marital passion, and the fulfilment thereof are graphically spelt out on these pages. The reader is told what the “perfect body” is supposed to look like, the notion that sexual intercourse before marriage is sweet and romantic seeps through these pages...the feelings of degradation, and the many possible consequences thereof are conveniently left out. A fairy tale is a fairy tale, we tell ourselves, a book is a book...they have no implications on real life. Surely our daughters understand and accept this... But we are deluding ourselves. These same “harmless” fairytales and books, have a detrimental effect on the thinking, lifestyles and attitudes of our children. The first “crush”/infatuation our daughters experience in relation to members of the opposite sex, is often linked to false perceptions about “dating,” perceptions to which a wide variety of factors contribute. And one of the main factors painting a sugar and candy image of pre-marital romances, are these shallow bits of reading material that our daughters are exposed to. It is no strange co-incidence that girls grow up believing that a boyfriend is the key to happiness...after all they have barely started walking, when the stories of the poor ill-treated Cinderella, saved only by a dashing prince, and the beautiful Snow White woken up by a prince, and the doomed Rapunzel, saved from the tower by...who else - a dashing hero, are told to them. And when they read romance novels, this theory is further reinforced - for, in the classic teen romance novel, the girl without a boyfriend, or “sweet sixteen and never been kissed” is the poor, laughing stock, who doesn’t have a date to the “prom.” And on the pages of a typical adult romance novel, the heroine is always a successful, beautiful career woman, but, she feels, that “something” is lacking in her life...and that “something” is naturally a man. It is improbable that the average teenager, would just read these books, and that there would be no impact on her mind. It is usually exactly the opposite: she wishes she was the person on the pages of the book, and transfers her fantasies to her real life. She might see someone at school, who is popular, and good-looking [i.e. the football hero], and so begins her first painful crush, which is accompanied of course, by sending him anonymous ‘Valentine’s Day' cards, or calling him and playing songs over the phone. Shaitaan has set his trap, and the temptation to sin heightens, and each time the temptation is given in to, the girl becomes more daring. By the time the boy “asks her out,” her nafs has gotten the better of her, and her head filled with the notions of how sweet holding hands before that first kiss must be, she cannot resist. And so begins a “relationship.” But this has all the ingredients that a classic romance novel does not....for those candy-coated pages do not tell you about the heartbreak, the tears, the mood swings and the countless negative aspects that are the central to these relationships And they do not tell you about the degradation and the loss of self-respect, with which people, especially women, emerge, after these relationships. For there is no peace, no tranquillity in such relationships. The daily cycle, the moods, everything about the individual is affected. There is a certain sort of darkness, a restlessness which fills the heart, and this restlessness affects the rest of the family too. For it is now that all the arguments with the parents start: “Why can’t I go out tonight? All my friends are going?” And there are the mood swings, the fluctuating eating habits...if the phone doesn’t ring, then it’s a case of “I don’t feel like eating.” And then there is dishonesty...unable to tell her parents where she really wants to go, she makes the excuse of having to go to the library to study for tomorrow’s test. The ending of each relationship is most often marked by a long periods of torture, in which the girl has to “get over” the boy. Everyday life becomes a misery...her marks drop, daily moods start to depend on the current state of her relationship with the boy and many girls, totally misled by Shaitaan, even make dua for a “reconciliation.” During this period the girl is ravaged by guilt, because deep down in her heart, she is aware that what she has done is haraam, and she also feels guilty about lying to her parents. If there was a physical aspect to her relationship, then these feelings of guilt are deeply accentuated and coupled with a total loss of self-respect. In the worst possible scenario, which is frequently happening, the girl, in an effort to improve her “self image,” may turn to various other ways...smoking, clubbing, drinking and drugs...or she may embark on a series of flings just to make herself feel “special” again. In short the “relationships” so sweetly portrayed in romance novels, which speak only of chocolates, flowers and happiness, end right there: on the pages of the novel. In real life, such relationships lead to nothing but unhappiness and heartache. For how can there be any real happiness in a “love” inspired by Shaitaan? This type of “love” far from being pure and sacred falls into the category of fornication. And regarding fornication, Allah Ta’ala says in the Holy Qur’aan: “The woman and man guilty of adultery of fornication, flog each of them with a hundred stripes: let not compassion move you in their case, in a matter prescribed by Allah, if ye believe in Allah and the Last Day: And let a party of the Believers witness their punishment.” [Surah An-Nur:2] How can there be any long term happiness in a sin for which the punishment prescribed is so severe? But while keeping in mind the above injunction, we should also not despair of the Mercy of Allah Ta’ala...for we cannot even comprehend the vastness of this Mercy. We need to realise and to tell ourselves that there is only temporary satisfaction of the nafs in a pre-marital relationship. And we need to terminate any such relationship which we might be involved in, and sincerely make taubah to Allah. As difficult as it might be to end such relationships, once we realise and acknowledge to ourselves that the novels to which we are exposed to from such an early age are totally based on a kuffaar way of life, which appears to be very appealing from the outside, but which bears no contentment, no real happiness, it will in sha Allah, be easy to do so. In addition to painting a rosy picture of dating, these books also create a very wrong concept of what the ideal partner should be like. It is obvious that since they are kuffaar publications, there is no stress on piety, good akhlaaq, honesty and all the other qualities people should be searching for in a potential marriage partner. Instead these books promote superficial thinking, with all their emphasis on “good looks,” “ figures,” “star football players,” “smart cars,”etc. Parents should closely monitor the reading material which their children bring home and should teach their children about the beauty of nikaah. We should realise, that while it is natural to be embarrassed to discuss such aspects of Islam with them, it is infinitely better for them, that we impart the correct knowledge of an Islamic way of life to them, than allow them to acquire the totally wrong concept of “love” from books, television, movies, and their friends and environment. It should be explained to each teenager that the pre-marital relationships, the engagements, etc to which we attach such a great deal of importance in this world have nothing but a negative bearing on our lives in the aakhirah. It should be time and time again instilled into their minds that pre-marital relationships are a sin...nikaah is an ibaadah. Allah Ta’ala has Created men and women with natural desires, and He has Created nikaah as an institution in which these desires maybe fulfilled. A nikaah in which both, husband and wife are striving to fulfill their obligations to Allah Ta’ala, such a nikaah will be filled with the mutual respect, love and inevitably, the contentment, which we hopelessly search for in pre-marital relationships. Within the sacred context of a nikaah, in which both parties are obedient to Allah Ta’ala, and adhere to His Commandments, there can be no room for the loss of respect, feelings of degradation, etc. which goes hand-in-hand with “going out” with or “dating” someone. We should always bear in mind that should we die in the company of a “boyfriend” or a “girlfriend” or even a “fiancé,” we will be leaving this world, having spent our last few moments of this life in the company of a non-Mahram.
NS

Re:  Marriage soon and SCARED!!!
Arsalan
11/16/00 at 18:02:16
Harisa I got three words for you: Dr. Laura Schlassinger! And another two words: Oprah Winfrey! Watch em sometimes. Peace out.

Re:  Marriage soon and SCARED!!!
Kathy
11/17/00 at 08:01:17
slm That was a good article- very accurate!

Re:  Marriage soon and SCARED!!!
Amatullah
11/19/00 at 07:00:31
Isn't there a hadith or something that if two people get married following the correct islamic way etc, and based on islam, then Allah (swt) will make feelings b/w them strong for each other. I'm not sure, but i think i heard this in some arabic lecture.

Re:  Marriage soon and SCARED!!!
chachi
12/02/00 at 20:56:22
salaam    i think that article was taken from the book 'a look at the west' by this pakistani general

Re:  Marriage soon and SCARED!!!
princess
12/08/00 at 13:39:25
WALIKUMAS'SALAAM WARAHMATULLAHI WABARAKATUHU :) *things will only influence u, IF u let em* :) i truly believe that..i live that to the best of my ability :) it's something ppl should think about..and try to live by..:) i really dunno what that had to do with this thread..lekin, i felt like sharin it :) anyways..have a smooth jum'mah :) ma'salaam :)

Re:  Marriage soon and SCARED!!!
Jenna
12/12/00 at 01:39:44
Asalamu Alaikum  Like I said before you never know a person untill you live with them....... Jenna

Re:  Marriage soon and SCARED!!!
M.F.
12/12/00 at 04:54:11
Assalamu alaikum, Don't worry sister, it's the most normal thing in the world to be scared and nervous and to wonder what the heck you're getting into!! :)  But insha Allah if you 1: Pray Istikhara and 2: Put your trust in Allah, then insha Allah you'll have no problem even though you feel like you don't know the person very well.  Believe me, even if you THOUGHT you knew them very well, like Jenna said, you won't really know them till you live with them, so you're not missing much :) I wish you the very best insha Allah, and don't worry if it's a little hard at first, you'll get used to each other after a while and it'll be wonderful insha Allah.
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