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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board

Marriage to a Non-Muslim
SafiaYazmin
11/25/00 at 21:19:37
ASalamualaikum wa ramatulah, I am new here and have read many of your interesting and informative posts. I've been Muslim for 7 years. I recently got married (2 months ago). My husband is not Muslim. He is very opened minded and at the time that we were dating, I wasn't strong in my faith. But now, I'm trying to be a  better Muslim. Dressing modestly, changing my behavior and performing salat. My husband has been very supportive and even helpful. I want him to become Muslim, but not just for me, for himself. Because Islam is the true religion. But he seems very reluctant to do this. He has the basic beleifs but he's not quite there. I know my marriage to him is not recognized in Islam and most frown upon me for this, but I really want to help my husband know Islam.  Any ideas and help would be appreciated.
NS

Re: Marriage to a Non-Muslim
widad
11/25/00 at 22:51:29
slm Islam does not allow any muslim to be under a non-muslim and since men have qiwama over women,a muslim woman is not allowed to marry  anon-muslim.Another reason is that the children follow their father in name and religion. Islam does not only frown upon you,you have been living in sin,this is no marriage,repent and get out of there before it is too late,you still have time to ask for Allah's forgiveness as long as you are alive.
NS

Re: Marriage to a Non-Muslim
bhaloo
11/26/00 at 01:38:45
slm I found that the book, "What is Islam" by Yahiya Emerick is a really good book to introduce Islam to new Muslims, non-Muslims, children, just a good general overall book discussing all facets of Islam in an easy to understand format.  Its $20 at islamicbookstore.com.
NS

Re: Marriage to a Non-Muslim
SafiaYazmin
11/26/00 at 21:07:57
Widad, I appreciate your honest post. Yet I am well aware of my sin. I am well aware of the reasons I should not have married him. But I did. I am not asking anyone's opinion on this, simply help about the situation.

Re: Marriage to a Non-Muslim
widad
11/27/00 at 00:37:21
slm But I am helping you safiya,the only thing you should do is get out of it and repent,my dera you are living in sin,even if he becomes muslim,your marriage is nullified. Safia,I have a very dear friend of mine who did the same thing and she stayed aouthubillah in this state of haram for ten years HOPING that the guy will change...he used to make Ramadan iftar for her and clean the house and he RESPECTED her religion,now she at last repented and married a good muslim,but she cries day and night for having lived in sin for so long. I don't want that to happen to you,please get out before you get children that don't have a legal father... -------------------------------------------------- Safia,life is so short and there is no time to wait,please start your Ramadan afresh with a clean heart and ask Allah to guide and help you in this matter it is no trivial matter,for you are actually daring Allah,if you don't want to obey Him then go and live under somebody elses sky,and go live on somebody elses earth.
NS

Re: Marriage to a Non-Muslim
katooshkah
11/27/00 at 08:49:40
salaam alaikum Dear Widad, I'm very curious, why would her marriage be nullified even if her husband converts to islam? Would it be ok if they re-marry after his conversion?

Re: Marriage to a Non-Muslim
SafiaYazmin
11/27/00 at 13:50:52
Widad, I appreciate your honesty and your advise. I do have another question now. What effect do you think this will have on my fast for Ramadan. I mean, is it written anywhere that this may invalidate my fast? If you know, please try to give me the source, too. Again, I do appreciate your help. I feel you are very correct in most ways, yet...I just don't know. I'm sure it seems very simple to you. I used to give my friends advice like this, quoted the source and after all of my advice...they'd say, "Well... I don't know.." I used to think, what do you me "I don't know", I just told you. Now, I feel their struggle, as you feel mine.
NS

Re: Marriage to a Non-Muslim
h_m_r00
11/27/00 at 14:04:31
Salaam I can help you by giving you islam books...they are the best guide..                                    Hiyam

Re: Marriage to a Non-Muslim
jannah
11/27/00 at 15:27:51
slm, before we all jump on sister safia, i'd just like to say that i think she has alot of courage to post this here and ask for our help. may Allah guide her always safia, it is true what sister widad says your marriage is not valid in islam, in fact it is like you never married at all because the original conditions that have to be fulfilled were not there. so this falls into the realm of a major sin: zinna (adultery, sexual relations outside of marriage). i would not stop encouraging you to fast during this ramadan because this is something that is very good and you are fulfiling one of the obligations of islam. But at the same time, we should ask ourselves if Allah will accept our deeds and guide us if we continue to commit major sins? There is a hadith about Dua where a man asks Allah but his clothes were from haram, his food was from haram so how does he expect that Allah will answer his dua. I know you must love your husband and want the best for him, so I would suggest you seek other ways of encouraging him to learn more about Islam -- ie visiting the mosque, hanging out with other good muslim couples, learning more. Make sure he knows how important this is to you that he gives Islam a fair chance.

When the trees obscure the wood
AbuKhaled
11/27/00 at 17:59:25
Bismillah Al-Rahman Al-Raheem Dear Sister Safia, Assalam alaikum wa rahmatullah, & Ramadhan Mubarak to you.  ;-) I have read your words, and this thread, and if you don't mind, would like to make some comments, insha'Allah. Before doing so though, I'd say that to have admitted what you have took a lot of courage, and none of us is without our dark secrets. Okay, maybe you've not come here to undo that, but nevertheless it took guts and you did it, so that is commendable. So I'd just like you to know that I'm not out to vilify you. You know the Islamic stand on the matter as you've indicated, so whatever we let you know about how we feel about it won't change anything when you knowing what His (awj) Decree regarding it is, is insufficient to warrant the change. We need - as an Ummah - to be able to reveal our deepest darkest demons to one another (not all and sundry within the Ummah!), else how will we ever be able to make the change if we're forever apprehensive about the reaction? The inhibition that can generate is unhealthy and unproductive in us solving our problems as an Ummah. Your situation is not that uncommon actually, and even many similar situations can be cited as parallels. For many of us experience stages where our Islam is weak, and we do things, which at a later date when our Islam is gaining strength suddenly gain perspective, but reconciling what we know *should be* with how it is, is often difficult, so we prefer to shy away from changing the situation, and rather, attempt to find some kind of legitimacy for it by trying to make amends, in the belief that that will then make it alright. Like the one who in his period of ghafla [heedlessness], when he is not concerned about Islam, often drinks. Slowly he becomes a drunkard. But then, by some Divine Favour, Allah (ta'ala) Guides him towards Islam, and a spark is re-ignited. But haunting it is the realisation that he has an addiction to alcohol. And it gnaws at him, because he desperately now wants to practice Islam, but this is a rock which is just too heavy to lift. So what to do? Well, either he bites the bullet and tries to stop the drinking. Or, he tries to find a way of diminishing it's gravity. So he might, for example, claim it is beyond his capacity to stop, and thus if it is out of his control, he can't be sinful, for he has no free-will. Now, we both can see the flaw here, can't we? In your situation you face a dilemma too. You know that Islamically your marriage is void, and that any physical relationship is considered zina, a'uzubillah. Every moment alone in private is khalwa [seclusion], which is prohibited in Sacred Law, as you are not maharem to one another. In other words, this one unislamic scenario leads to so many situations of sin for every moment this goes on. But, you were/are in love, so now emotions are involved. A bond exists. There is history. And breaking up seems not to be an option in your eyes. So, the only thing you figure you can do is to try and give him da'wah (i.e. call him to Islam), in the hope that he might embrace Islam and it will all be alright. Reality check. Yes, it is possible that he could embrace Islam. But is it likely? Can a Muslim who is holding a can of beer really be taken seriously when he tells others it is haram to drink? Da'wah has always, and will always, first and foremost be by *example.* How can one who is indifferent towards what Allah ta'ala wants, expect to convince another? You want him to come to Islam, whilst being in a marriage whose basis is other than Islam? Do you find that at all odd? Sister Safia, this is not about judging you, no. Honestly. Only Allah ta'ala knows the reality of your life and the travails you face. He (awj) alone knows whether you are trying your utmost to rectify a situation which is clearly unislamic. Or whether you're content with ma'siyyah [disobedience]. No one here can know your struggle. Your words only hint at your reality. You need the help of your Lord (awj). But more than that, you need to realise that you need it. If you think you can successfully call your husband to Islam without the tawfeeq [success] being from Allah (swt), you are sorely mistaken. So, ask yourself a question. "I want my husband to embrace Islam because at the moment my marriage is working against my favour when measured against the Shar'iah of Allah (swt). But given that my husband coming to this Deen will only ever be by the permission of the Almighty (awj), is my hope naïve whilst I continue to disobey Him (awj)? Should I *expect* Him (awj) to grant me tawfeeq in this endeavour whilst I am at the same time doing that which he forbade?" And indeed He (awj) could, for He (awj) knows the hikmah [wisdom] in placing you where you are. But the issue is not what He (swt) could do, for He (awj) is capable of that which might not make sense to us. Let me relate to you a true story. A Sister has two young sons. She lives in the sticks, so there are no halal meat shops nearby, let alone restaurants, fast food eateries. She takes her sons on holiday to a big city and they come across Kentucky Fried Chicken. Knowing how much her sons love chicken, she buys them some pieces, unconcerned with the food being haram. She just wants to treat her boys, with the love that a mother has. She buys the KFC and they rush back to her brother's house where they're staying whilst on holiday. Her brother is somewhat more practicing, and when he sees what she's brought into his house he's not best pleased. So he asks her, " Do you love your sons?" "Of course, more than anything!" She replies, with a tone that suggests she thinks it's such a stupid question to ask a mother, given that the answer s so obvious! After all, which mother wouldn't love her children? So, unfazed, her brother asks her, " Do you ever pray for them?" "Always. Every prayer. My first du'a is always for my boys. That they are kept safe, protected, healthy, well, etc." She tells him, a warm smile appearing on her face. The smile of a mother who dotes on her sons. They are her life. So, he asks her, " Do you feel secure knowing that He (awj) keeps them safe?" "Yes," she admits. "Knowing that Allah (swt) is their Protector is a source of comfort." Her brother wonders, "So, tell me, is it right that you turn to Him (awj) for what you want, but for what He (awj) wants from you, you turn away from Him(awj)?" She looks confused. "What do you mean?" "Well, what makes you think that Allah (swt) would answer the prayers of a woman who feeds her sons with food that He (awj) has made haram for them? Why should Allah (swt) answer the du'a of such a woman? Is it right that she expects Him (awj) to? Would you not think her somewhat delusional and arrogant?" She looks horrified as it dawns on her what s being sad. "So, so…" She stammers, "What are you saying?" "That the 'abd [slave] of Allah is in constant need of Him (awj). That being so, how foolish would a mother need to be, who, whilst seeking His (awj) protection for her beloved boys, incurs His (awj) wrath by doing that which He (awj) forbade?! Is that the way to show shukr [gratitude] to your Lord? To shun Him (awj) when it comes to what you want to do, but turn to Him (awj) when you have a need. Is such a person deserving of His (awj) Good Favour?" He puts it to her, "Let me ask you, is it *important* to you that He (awj) keeps your sons safe?" "Of course it is!" She exclaims. "So it's important to you that He (awj) answers your du'a for them?" "Yes!" "So why then are you content to seek His (awj) displeasure through your indifference to that which He (swt) forbade unto you, whilst having the audacity to desire His (awj) Rahma [mercy] upon your sons? Why should he answer you when you indicate to Him (awj) that what you want is more important than what He (swt) wants?" She was speechless. What could she say? Her internal contradictions had been exposed. He was right. How could she function in the knowledge that maybe He (awj) would not answer her du'a - because she would not submit to His (awj) 'amr [command] - which she really really needed Him (awj) to answer? Was she deserving of Him (awj) answering her prayers? Why should she expect Him (awj) to Guide her, when she didn't care for His (awj) Guidance? Or worse, when she picked and chose those aspects of His (awj) Guidance which suited her and didn't conflict with her own desires? --end of story-- So you see Sister Safia, what is it that you want? The best of both worlds? The halal and the haram? Or just to try your best to make the haram halal? Is it an endeavour which you think Allah (swt) - whom you really do need on your side right now (wal iyadhubillah for the lack of adab in how that reads) - will grant you tawfeeq [success] in? Do you think you are placing yourself in His (awj) Favour by disobeying Hm (awj)? And is it reasonable to hope that He (awj) will bring about that which you so much want to be brought about? Are you deserving of that Favour from Him (swt)? One cannot call to Allah (swt) whilst acting in disregard to Him (awj). What kind of message is that giving to Him (swt)? What does it say about how we are towards Him (awj)? My dear Sister in Islam, no one said it's easy. When you say " I know my marriage to him is not recognized in Islam and most frown upon me for this, but I really want to help my husband know Islam," and " I am not asking anyone's opinion on this, simply help about the situation," it is as if you are admitting that you are comfortable with the situation. That it doesn't bother you the fact that the One who will Reckon with you (awj), determine your eternal fate, might not be entirely au fait with this scenario you have wandered into. Let me tell you something. Yesterday - bi'ithnillah [by the permission of Allah] - someone whom I had been giving da'wah to (along with other Muslims), took the Shahadah. He became Muslim, alhamdulillah. Do you know what his concern was, and is? To make amends for the life he has lived. Yet you and I know that by the Rahma of our Lord (swt), that his slate is clean! He is sinless! Yet, despite knowing this- us having informed him- he s still eager to "make up for lost time." Subhan'Allah. One who need not be concerned, is concerned about catching up in pleasing Allah (swt). And yet I look to myself and see one who has so much to make amends for, yet is content to amble along as if death is far off, and forgiveness from Allah (swt) is a sure thng. As if hellfire is no big deal. A'uzubillah. Sister Safia, you asked about your fasting in Ramadhan, and whether your marital situation invalidates them. To my limited knowledge - wallahu a'lam- it doesn't, because it's a separate issue. But that should not be taken as meaning it is therefore okay to be in such a relationship. Do you not notice an inconsistency here? On the one hand you are bothered about whether your fasts will be acceptable, but on the other, when it comes to your marriage, that same concern isn't there? What does that tell you about yourself? Why the double-standard? There is a more fundamental issue at stake here than this inconsistency, not that that isn't an issue in itself. But, more than you having these contradictions, is the issue of *indifference towards the 'amr [command]of Allah (swt).* Which in this situation translates to indifference towards sin. This is a matter which for a Muslim, could be the difference between the mizan [scales] weighing in their favour, or out. And there is no grace period. For as long as it takes you to resolve the issue, sin is being incurred, wallahu a'lam [and Allah knows best]. It is not like the one who *might* have a justifiable excuse for not knowing. Ths is something you acknowledge as being invalid (though not wrong, interestingly) Islamically, yet that is not enough to instil in you a fear of His (awj) reprisal that provokes you to remove yourself from such a situation. You're right, it's easier me saying it, than you living through it. But, it being hard doesn't mean it's okay to perpetuate it. Islam is not about quoting dalail [evidences] and throwing around proofs. That is not what convinces someone. No, what convinces them, provokes them into changing their pitiful condition, their inexcusable fisq, is when that dormant reality of where they are headed, awakens inside them. It s bad when one sins. It is worse when they do so repeatedly, with foresight, deliberation and will. But what is worse than even that, is when it takes place unaccompanied by remorse or guilt. Even if one is weak, as long as that desire to change their hal [state/condition] exists, even if it is buried deep down inside, they are better off than if they didn't even have that. And delusion. Delusion is a very dangerous game. Pray that you are not a pawn in such a game. The game where one fools oneself into imagining that the end justifies the means. A few years ago I met the singer of a famous group. He was Muslim. We spent an evening together. I watched him engage in some da'wah. The subject of music being haram came up. Do you know what he said? "Well, if me sinning might be a cause for others to be helped, I'm prepared to take that risk." To this day I don't know if I've heard a more stupid statement from someone's lips. Someone might think it's a noble sentiment. But that someone would have to be not far behind that singer on the Stupid Scale. He was an example of a sincere Muslim who sees the trees and forgets there is a wood that we need to focus on too. To him, life was about helping others (though ironically later years revealed how that was just sugar coating. It wasn't about helping others. That was just a convenient justification which fooled those who questioned it). It isn't. Life is about worshipping Allah (swt). It is about ensuring that you live a life which provides currency for you to make it to Paradise without a pitstop in hell. It's about realising that Allah (swt) knows best, even if we can't always see the hikmah in the Divine Plan He (awj) has for us. And submitting to that, willingly, without resistance, wholeheartedly. It is not about going it alone, imagining we know best (because that translates to us thinking we know better than Allah (swt), astaghfirullah). About thinking that we can wing it on a noble intention. Niyyah [intention] is only valid when the act is halal in the first place. Sister Safia, I understand your predicament, I do. And I know it's not easy. But, if your fervent wish really is for your husband to become Muslim, then if this is to be at your hands, you are doing yourselves no favours by standing n defiance to Allah (swt). Your task will not be made any easier. I would think that if this is your sincere desire for your husband - and it is a laudable one alhamdulillah - then what you need to ensure is to create that situation where you maximise the possibility of that happening. And nothing happens without the permission of Allah ta'ala. So you must seek to draw closer to Allah (swt). Not erecting a barrier by perpetuating a situation which displeases Him (swt). I know of Muslims who fast in Ramadhan, but don't pray their salat, because salat is something they just find too much of a chore. Whereas fasting they like. It isn't an effort for them. They kind of miss the point. Too busy looking at the tree at the expense of the wood. Allah (swt) wants from you that your fasting will result in a taqwa [God consciousness]. And indeed fasting is an i'jab [obligation] through His (awj) 'amr [command]. But that doesn't mean that fasting whilst disregarding other awamir [commands] and nawahy [prohibitions] will alone be enough to raise your taqwa. No, Islam is a complete way of life. It functions holistically, not partially. So our endeavour should not be that we remain content with getting by doing just enough, because just enough is not enough actually. Rather, our effort should be to become all that we can be, for indeed He (swt) has emplaced that potential within us. It is just for us to realise it, bi'ithnillah ta'ala. Only the one who was less concerned with what He (swt) wants from her, than what she wants for herself, would perpetuate a situation which went against His (awj) Instruction. Our happiness does not exist n isolation as Muslims. No, our happiness lies in knowing that we are doing all that we can to please Him (swt). Any Muslim who is comfortable whilst acting contrary to His (awj) Decree is a Muslim who doesn't truly understand his/her Deen [way of life] and thinks time is on their side. You know how the Emergency Services are always primed and ready to go, in anticipation of an emergency? Well, that's how it should be for the mu'min [believer] too. Primed and ready to go in anticipation of death, the terminator of pleasures, as the Prophet (saw) reportedly - wallahu a'lam - said. You should be able to answer yes to the question: "If death came knocking at my door the next breath I took, is my Islamic provision (i.e. my deeds, and the life I've lived in preparation for this moment and what is about to follow it) enough that I am looking forward to meeting my Creator?" Or would you be of those who'd yearn desperately for more time, in order to increase your good deeds, and efface the bad? As I said at the outset, this was not about judging you. It's not about how bad or good you are, or I am. It is about the realisation that indifference to sin can kill time and rust the conscience as easily as a car spins off the road. In other words, before you know it you've lost control. You need to spend some time in the company of Reality, and I don't mean that condescendingly. Sometimes we think we know, when in fact we are far from knowing. Reality is Allah (swt). It is the death which is imminent. It is the Rahma [mercy] by which we will enter jannah. It is the muhabba [love] one should possess inside that eliminates the desire to disobey Him (awj) and go against that which His (awj) Final Messenger (saw) brought, that we might find His (awj) Rahma on that Day. It is the balance of khawf wa raja' [fear and hope] regarding punishment and reward. So don't obfuscate reality for the temporal ephemeral pleasures of a life which is worthy of less attention than He (swt) is. Alhamdulillah, like we all try to be, you are on the road to betterment, as can be seen by the few examples you mentioned. I pray Allah (swt) makes it easy for you, increases your strength, resolve and shawq [desire]. May He (swt) facilitate for you with ease, that which you seek in accordance with His Divine Plan (awj). This is but a test, and He (awj) would not have tested you if you were not capable of passing. So insha'Allah, seek some solace in that and know that you possess the capacity to achieve greatness! ;-) If I upset you, it was not intentional dear Sister, but because this is possibly a sensitive subject and I lack tact. I did not mean to condemn you for a weakness as if I am immune from them myself - wal iyadhubillah- but to encourage you in an effort you are already underway with, w.r.t. your Islam, which can only be commendable. So please don't feel judged, because in writing on the Board, you manifested a sincerity which insha'Allah should stand you in good stead for the road ahead. And it didn't go unnoticed. I pray this Ramadhan is one which allows you to appreciate the immense blessings of your Lord (awj) upon you, and thus to disobey Him (swt) is ingratitude for those munificent bounties, which surely could only be if they remained unrealised by the recipient of them. Wallahu a'lam. After all is said and done, these were just some words. Sometimes when the deafness of the ears isn't due to the quietness of the voice, but in spite of it's loudness, we need to wonder about the cause that dulls our sense to the degree of numbness. It is a cause for concern. Astaghfirullah. Abu Khaled

Re: Marriage to a Non-Muslim
SafiaYazmin
11/27/00 at 18:48:16
Abu Khaled, Wow, I appreciate your indepth post. I feel you had very good intentions. I thank you for your help. You are correct, I am trying to justify my haram act by trying make it halal. I do see this. It kept me up all night. My head hurt so much because I feel I know what I've got to do. Yet it's so painful. I whispered in his ear for an hour, "embrace Islam"..."Know Allah"..."You want to be Muslim"...and just praying he would realize Islam is the only way. (heavy sigh) He does admit, that he doesn't believe Jesus was the son of God. He asks me questions at times, like what do I get from praying. He even has Muslim co-workers who try to enlighten him. This seems to be a slow process. And like you said, what if it doesn't happen and I look back on my wasted years of sin. I'm so sad.

Re: Marriage to a Non-Muslim
AbuKhaled
11/28/00 at 11:08:40
Dear Sister Safia, Assalam alaikum wa rahmatullah. Later on I will be extending the post which I wrote yesterday, as more thoughts came to me afterwards. But I'll post it as a separate post, so you don't have to hunt for the modifications. After that I will then comment on your above reply, so please wait till I've done both these things, and then insha'Allah you are welcome to comment further. It won't be for a few hours yet though. Abu Khaled

Re: Marriage to a Non-Muslim
h_m_r00
11/28/00 at 14:38:19
Salaam Did any one listen to what Safia Said?????                                                            Hiyam

Re: Marriage to a Non-Muslim
hefrida
11/28/00 at 22:07:04
Assalamualaikum Dear Sister Safia, You have to started a new discussion about comparing his religion and Islam using their own holybook, Bible. For example, about the day when they have to pray. Christians go to the Churh on Sunday.Why ? Is it said in Bible like that ? No!!! The Bible said : in Saturday people have to pray, anybody who disobey will be punished.(see Genesis 17:... Astaghfirullohal'adzim I forget the number, wait for a minute, Ok ? I look for it first)

When the trees obscure the wood (extended)
AbuKhaled
11/29/00 at 13:59:37
[This is a significantly extended update of my earlier post] Bismillah Al-Rahman Al-Raheem Dear Sister Safia, Assalam alaikum wa rahmatullah, & Ramadhan Mubarak to you.  ;-) I have read your words, and this thread, and if you don't mind, would like to make some comments, insha'Allah. Before doing so though, I'd say that to have admitted what you have took a lot of courage, and none of us is without our dark secrets. Okay, maybe you've not come here to undo that, but nevertheless it took guts and you did it, so that is commendable. So I'd just like you to know that I'm not out to vilify you. You know the Islamic stand on the matter as you've indicated, so whatever we let you know about how we feel about it won't change anything when you knowing what His (awj) Decree regarding it is, is insufficient to warrant the change. We need - as an Ummah - to be able to reveal our deepest darkest demons to one another (not all and sundry within the Ummah!), else how will we ever be able to make the change if we're forever apprehensive about the reaction? The inhibition that that can generate is unhealthy and unproductive for us in attempting to solve our problems as an Ummah. Your situation is not that uncommon actually, and even many similar situations can be cited as parallels. For many of us experience stages where our Islam is weak, and we do things, which at a later date when our Islam is gaining strength suddenly gain perspective, but reconciling what we know *should be* with how it is, is often difficult, so we prefer to shy away from changing the situation, and rather, attempt to find some kind of legitimacy for it by trying to make amends, in the belief that that will then make it alright. Like the one who in his period of ghafla [heedlessness], when he is not concerned about Islam, often drinks. Slowly he becomes a drunkard. But then, by some Divine Favour, Allah (ta'ala) Guides him towards Islam, and a spark is re-ignited. But haunting it is the realisation that he has an addiction to alcohol. And it gnaws at him, because he desperately now wants to practice Islam, but this is a rock which is just too heavy to lift. So what to do? Well, either he bites the bullet and tries to stop the drinking. Or, he tries to find a way of diminishing it's gravity. So he might, for example, claim it is beyond his capacity to stop, and thus if it is out of his control, he can't be sinful, for he has no free-will. Now, we both can see the flaw here, can't we? In your situation you face a dilemma too. You know that Islamically your marriage is void, and that any physical relationship is considered zina, a'uzubillah. Every moment alone in private is khalwa [seclusion], which is prohibited in Sacred Law, as you are not maharem to one another. In other words, this one unislamic scenario leads to so many situations of sin for every moment this goes on. But, you were/are in love, so now emotions are involved. A bond exists. There is history. And breaking up seems not to be an option in your eyes. So, the only thing you figure you can do is to try and give him da'wah (i.e. call him to Islam), in the hope that he might embrace Islam and it will all be alright. Reality check. Yes, it is possible that he could embrace Islam. But is it likely? Can a Muslim who is holding a can of beer really be taken seriously when he tells others it is haram to drink? Da'wah has always, and will always, first and foremost be by *example.* How can one who is indifferent towards what Allah ta'ala wants, expect to convince another? You want him to come to Islam, whilst being in a marriage whose basis is other than Islam? Do you find that at all odd? Sister Safia, this is not about judging you, no. Honestly. Only Allah ta'ala knows the reality of your life and the travails you face. He (awj) alone knows whether you are trying your utmost to rectify a situation which is clearly unislamic. Or whether you're content with ma'siyyah [disobedience]. No one here can know your struggle. Your words only hint at your reality. Another pointer to your current psychology lies in your words themselves and what you choose to focus on when addressing this issue. The way you talked about your marriage vis a vis Islam and how most frown upon it, reveals euphemistic tendencies, which are common to us when we're involved in something unislamic but reluctant to change. Sometimes because we're unwilling to, and other times because though we can, our perception of the situation leads us to imagine that we actually can't. So we downplay it by mentioning that which is less weighty in relation to the enormity of it. Because it blots out what is more. So yes, your marriage isn't recognised, but more, it earns you the displeasure of Allah (swt). It is sin. When stated in cold terms like that it makes one uncomfortable, right? Because the reality of your situation is being thrust in your face, and you can't turn away from it. Whereas merely implying that it displeases Allah (awj), or that it is a sin of kabair [enormity], rather than explicitly articulating that truth and fact, has the effect of cushioning that reality, as euphemisms are soft by their nature,unlike reality, which is hard. You need the help of your Lord (awj). But more than that, you need to realise that you need it. If you think you can successfully call your husband to Islam without the tawfeeq [success] being from Allah (swt), you are sorely mistaken. So, ask yourself a question. "I want my husband to embrace Islam because at the moment my marriage is working against my favour when measured against the Shar'iah of Allah (swt). But given that my husband coming to this Deen will only ever be by the permission of the Almighty (awj), is my hope naïve whilst I continue to disobey Him (awj)? Should I *expect* Him (awj) to grant me tawfeeq in this endeavour whilst I am at the same time doing that which he forbade?" And indeed He (awj) could, for He (awj) knows the hikmah [wisdom] in placing you where you are. But the issue is not what He (swt) could do, for He (awj) is capable of that which might not make sense to us. Let me relate to you a true story, embellished to make a point. A Sister has two young sons. She lives in the sticks, so there are no halal meat shops nearby, let alone restaurants and fast food eateries. She takes her sons on holiday to a big city and they come across Kentucky Fried Chicken. Knowing how much her sons love chicken, she buys them some pieces, unconcerned with the food being haram. She just wants to treat her boys, with the love that a mother has. She buys the KFC and they rush back to her brother's house where they're staying whilst on holiday. Her brother is somewhat more practicing, and when he sees what she's brought into his house he's not best pleased. So he asks her, " Do you love your sons?" "Of course, more than anything!" She replies, with a tone that suggests she thinks it's such a stupid question to ask a mother, given that the answer's so obvious! After all, which mother wouldn't love her children? Unfazed, her brother asks her, " Do you ever pray for them?" "Always. Every prayer. My first du'a is always for my boys. That they are kept safe, protected, healthy, well, etc." She tells him, a warm smile appearing on her face. The smile of a mother who dotes on her sons. They are her life. So, he asks her, " Do you feel secure knowing that He (awj) keeps them safe?" "Yes," she admits. "Knowing that Allah (swt) is their Protector is a source of comfort." Her brother wonders, "So, tell me, is it right that you turn to Him (awj) for what you want, but for what He (awj) wants from you, you turn away from Him(awj)?" She looks confused. "What do you mean?" "Well, what makes you think that Allah (swt) would answer the prayers of a woman who feeds her sons with food that He (awj) has made haram for them? Why should Allah (swt) answer the du'a of such a woman? Is it right that she expects Him (awj) to? Would you not think her somewhat delusional and arrogant?" She looks horrified as it dawns on her what's being said. "So, so…" She stammers, "What are you saying?" "That the 'abd [slave] of Allah is in constant need of Him (awj). That being so, how foolish would a mother need to be, who, whilst seeking His (awj) protection for her beloved boys, incurs His (awj) wrath by doing that which He (awj) forbade?! Is that the way to show shukr [gratitude] to your Lord? To shun Him (awj) when it comes to what you want to do, but turn to Him (awj) when you have a need. Is such a person deserving of His (awj) Good Favour?" He puts it to her, "Let me ask you, is it *important* to you that He (awj) keeps your sons safe?" "Of course it is!" She exclaims. "So it's important to you that He (awj) answers your du'a for them?" "Yes!" "So why then are you content to seek His (awj) displeasure through your indifference to that which He (swt) forbade unto you, whilst having the audacity to desire His (awj) Rahma [mercy] upon your sons? Why should he answer you when you indicate to Him (awj) that what you want is more important than what He (swt) wants?" She was speechless. What could she say? Her internal contradictions had been exposed. He was right. How could she function in the knowledge that maybe He (awj) would not answer her du'a - because she would not submit to His (awj) 'amr [command] - which she really really needed Him (awj) to answer? Was she deserving of Him (awj) answering her prayers? Why should she expect Him (awj) to Guide her, when she didn't care for His (awj) Guidance? Or worse, when she picked and chose those aspects of His (awj) Guidance which suited her and didn't conflict with her own desires? --end of story-- So you see Sister Safia, what is it that you want? The best of both worlds? The halal and the haram? Or just to try your best to make the haram halal? Is it an endeavour which you think Allah (swt) - whom you really do need on your side right now (wal iyadhubillah for the lack of adab in how that reads) - will grant you tawfeeq [success] in? Do you think you are placing yourself in His (awj) Favour by disobeying Hm (awj)? And is it reasonable to hope that He (awj) will bring about that which you so much want to be brought about? Are you deserving of that Favour from Him (swt)? One cannot call to Allah (swt) whilst acting in disregard to Him (awj). What kind of message is that giving to Him (swt)? What does it say about how we are towards Him (awj)? My dear Sister in Islam, no one said it's easy. When you say " I know my marriage to him is not recognized in Islam and most frown upon me for this, but I really want to help my husband know Islam," and " I am not asking anyone's opinion on this, simply help about the situation," it is as if you are admitting that you are comfortable with the situation. That it doesn't bother you the fact that the One who will Reckon with you (awj), determine your eternal fate, might not be entirely au fait with this scenario you have wandered into. Let me tell you something. Yesterday - bi'ithnillah [by the permission of Allah] - someone whom I had been giving da'wah to (along with other Muslims), took the Shahadah. He became Muslim, alhamdulillah. Do you know what his concern was, and is? To make amends for the life he has lived. Yet you and I know that by the Rahma of our Lord (swt), that his slate is clean! He is sinless! Yet, despite knowing this- us having informed him- he is still eager to "make up for lost time." Subhan'Allah. One who need not be concerned, is concerned about catching up in pleasing Allah (swt). And yet I look to myself and see one who has so much to make amends for, yet is content to amble along as if death is far off, and forgiveness from Allah (swt) is a sure thing. As if hellfire is no big deal. A'uzubillah. And I wonder something also. Given that you knew already that most Muslims frown at your situation, why then mention it here, risking that same disapproving reaction (unless you figured we might be different)? For indeed it's not relevant to your stated objective - i.e. ideas on how to bring your husband closer to embracing Islam -to mention your marriage. You needn't have related this, and could just have easily framed your question impersonally rather than rendering yourself vulnerable to disapproval. So did you in fact seek advice on your marital situation indirectly, though for the sake of consistency you say " I am not asking anyone's opinion on this"? When in fact the da'wah issue is not primary, but secondary, yet by making it primary whilst mentioning the marriage, you invite focus on that which you must have known we'd focus on. I wonder. Would someone cross a busy road, where the chances of being knocked over were high, if one didn't need to? Sister Safia, you asked about your fasting in Ramadhan, and whether your marital situation invalidates them. To my limited knowledge - wallahu a'lam- it doesn't, because it's a separate issue. But that should not be taken as meaning it is therefore okay to be in such a relationship. Do you not notice an inconsistency here? On the one hand you are bothered about whether your fasts will be acceptable, but on the other, when it comes to your marriage, that same concern isn't there? What does that tell you about yourself? Why the double-standard? There is a more fundamental issue at stake here than this inconsistency, not that that isn't an issue in itself. But, more than you having these contradictions, is the issue of *indifference towards the 'amr [command]of Allah (swt).* Which in this situation translates to indifference towards sin. This is a matter which for a Muslim, could be the difference between the mizan [scales] weighing in their favour, or against. And there is no grace period. For as long as it takes you to resolve the issue, sin is being incurred, wallahu a'lam [and Allah knows best]. It is not like the one who *might* have a justifiable excuse for not knowing. Ths is something you acknowledge as being invalid (though not wrong, interestingly) Islamically, yet that is not enough to instil in you a fear of His (awj) reprisal that provokes you to remove yourself from such a situation. You're right, it's easier me saying it, than you living through it. But, it being hard doesn't mean it's okay to perpetuate it. Islam is not about quoting dalail [evidences] and throwing around proofs. That is not what convinces someone at our level. No, what convinces us, provokes us into changing our pitiful condition, our inexcusable fisq, is when that dormant reality of where we are headed, awakens inside us. We *aspire* to reach that level where we'd submit to every hukm [rule/law] as soon as it became known to us, insha'Allah. Like the Sahabah (raa) [Companions] did. But we live in an age where we question before we submit. And often that's justifed given what we see around us. But often it's not. Like it's not when the reason for our reluctance is because Islam has collided with some self-interest or benefit of ours. Many Muslims obey Allah (swt) and His (awj) Rasul (saw) only to the point short of inconveniencing themselves and incurring hardship. But as soon as the matter concerns something related to their interest (e.g. interest on a bank account) they pause and withdraw from immediate submission, and in many cases try to find loopholes! With you, it is like this too perhaps (wallahu a'lam), and I don't say that judgementally. Salat is fine, no conflict. Dressing modestly too. But this man? You *want* to stay married, so now its what you want versus what Islam wants. *Thats* the point at which Allah (swt) tests you. If it was easy it wouldn't be called a test. It is bad when one sins. It is worse when they do so repeatedly, with foresight, deliberation and will. But what is worse than even that, is when it takes place unaccompanied by remorse or guilt. Even if one is weak, as long as that desire to change their hal [state/condition] exists, even if it is buried deep down inside, they are better off than if they didn't even have that. And delusion. Delusion is a very dangerous game. Pray that you are not a pawn in such a game. The game where one fools oneself into imagining that the end justifies the means. A few years ago I met the singer of a famous group. He was Muslim. We spent an evening together. I watched him engage in some da'wah. The subject of music being haram came up. Do you know what he said? "Well, if me sinning might be a cause for others to be helped, I'm prepared to take that risk." To this day I don't know if I've heard a more stupid statement from someone's lips. Someone might think it's a noble sentiment. But that someone would have to be not far behind that singer on the Stupid Scale. He was an example of a sincere Muslim who sees the trees and forgets there is a wood that we need to focus on too. To him, life was about helping others (though ironically later years revealed how that was just sugar coating. It wasn't about helping others. That was just a convenient justification which fooled those who questioned it). It isn't. Life is about worshipping Allah (swt). It is about ensuring that you live a life which provides currency for you to make it to Paradise without a pitstop in hell. It's about realising that Allah (swt) knows best, even if we can't always see the hikmah in the Divine Plan He (awj) has for us. And submitting to that, willingly, without resistance, wholeheartedly. Helping others should occur as a result of that submission to Allah (swt), not in disregard to it, for we are accountable for the means too. It is not about going it alone, imagining we know best (because that translates to us thinking we know better than Allah (swt), astaghfirullah). About thinking that we can wing it on a noble intention. Niyyah [intention] is only valid when the act is halal in the first place. Life is not about marriage. Rather, marriage is an optional part of one's life (in some cases a necessary part). But it is a part which is one accepts, then one must ensure it is in compliance with the overall purpose of their life. For marriage should be one of the means to gain the blessings of Allah ta'ala. It should work for you, not against you. Else what exactly is it's worth? For then it has become a liability, not an asset, on your Deeds Balance Sheet. Sister Safia, I understand your predicament, I do. And I know it's not easy. But, if your fervent wish really is for your husband to become Muslim, then if this is to be at your hands, you are doing yourselves no favours by standing in defiance to Allah (swt). Your task will not be made any easier. I would think that if this is your sincere desire for your husband - and it is a laudable one alhamdulillah - then what you need to ensure is to create that situation where you maximise the possibility of that happening. And nothing happens without the permission of Allah ta'ala. So you must seek to draw closer to Allah (swt). Not erecting a barrier by perpetuating a situation which displeases Him (swt). Nor by dodging the issue and thinking 'I'll draw closer through other acts of worship (e.g. salat, siyam, dress, etc.) but this one act, I'll keep hidden in the corner hoping it'll go unnoticed, blitzed by my uboodiyah [servitude] in every other matter.' Verily he (awj) is All-Seeing, All-Knowing, and knows what the breast conceals. In fact it is oxymoronic to try and be like so, for it will tear you apart, and your Islam will suffer. Because it will demand of you that you become an actress in a double life. That is the last thing you want my dear Sister in Islam. I know of Muslims who fast in Ramadhan, but don't pray their salat, because salat is something they just find too much of a chore. Whereas fasting they like. It isn't an effort for them. They kind of miss the point. Too busy looking at the tree at the expense of the wood. Allah (swt) wants from you that your fasting will result in taqwa [God consciousness]. And indeed fasting is an i'jab [obligation] through His (awj) 'amr [command]. But that doesn't mean that fasting whilst disregarding other awamir [commands] and nawahy [prohibitions] will alone be enough to raise your taqwa. No, Islam is a complete way of life. It functions holistically, not partially. So our endeavour should not be that we remain content with getting by doing just enough, because just enough is not enough actually. Rather, our effort should be to become all that we can be, for indeed He (swt) has emplaced that potential within us. It is just for us to realise it, bi'ithnillah ta'ala. Only the one who was less concerned with what He (swt) wants from her, than what she wants for herself, would perpetuate a situation which went against His (awj) Instruction. Our happiness does not exist in isolation as Muslims. No, our happiness lies in knowing that we are doing all that we can to please Him (swt). Any Muslim who is comfortable whilst acting contrary to His (awj) Decree is a Muslim who doesn't truly understand his/her Deen [way of life] and thinks time is on their side. Your situation is not like one who doesn't know, say, that it's haram to serve haram food in a restaurant, but in every other aspect of his Islamic life he tries to be the best Muslim he can. This man, he has ignorance maybe as an excuse. He is not deliberately perpetuating a sin, rather, he is ignorantly doing that. But, if he *knew* it, and still continued, despite having a choice, - even if taking that choice meant his life would incur a hardship -thinking his other endeavours w.r.t. the Deen of Allah (swt) would be enough for him to coast along on on the Day of Reckoning, he would be foolishly tempting punishment, wallahu a'lam. If he was naïve enough to believe that neglect of one command of his Lord (awj) was outweighed by ta'at [obedience] to the rest, and that that would somehow overshadow his disobedience in this one single area, he'd be pre-judging that which only Allah (swt) has knowledge about. He'd be playing with this Noble Deen. Is that not mockery? You know how the Emergency Services are always primed and ready to go, in anticipation of an emergency? Well, that's how it should be for the mu'min [believer] too. Primed and ready to go in anticipation of death, the terminator of pleasures, as the Prophet (saw) reportedly - wallahu a'lam - said. You should be able to answer yes to the question: "If death came knocking at my door the next breath I took, is my Islamic provision (i.e. my deeds, and the life I've lived in preparation for this moment and what is about to follow it) enough that I am looking forward to meeting my Creator?" Or would you be of those who'd scramble desperately for more time, in order to increase your good deeds, and efface the bad? As I said at the outset, this was not about judging you. It's not about how bad or good you are, or I am. It is about the realisation that indifference to sin can kill time and rust the conscience as easily as a car spins off the road. In other words, before you know it you've lost control. You need to spend some time in the company of Reality, and I don't mean that condescendingly. Sometimes we think we know, when in fact we are far from knowing. Reality is Allah (swt). It is the death which is imminent. It is the Rahma [mercy] by which we will enter jannah. It is the muhabba [love] one should possess inside that eliminates the desire to disobey Him (awj) and go against that which His (awj) Final Messenger (saw) brought, that we might find His (awj) Rahma on that Day. It is the balance of khawf wa raja' [fear and hope] regarding punishment and reward. So don't obfuscate reality for the temporal ephemeral pleasures of a life which is worthy of less attention than He (swt) is. Alhamdulillah, like we all try to be, you are on the road to betterment, as can be seen by the few examples you mentioned. I pray Allah (swt) makes it easy for you, increases your strength, resolve and shawq [desire]. May He (swt) facilitate for you with ease, that which you seek in accordance with His Divine Plan (awj). This is but a test, and He (awj) would not have tested you if you were not capable of passing. So insha'Allah, seek some solace in that and know that you possess the capacity to achieve greatness! ;-) If I upset you, it was not intentional dear Sister, but because this is possibly a sensitive subject and I lack tact. I did not mean to condemn you for a weakness as if I am immune from them myself - wal iyadhubillah- but to encourage you in an effort you are already underway with, w.r.t. your Islam, which can only be commendable. So please don't feel judged, because in writing on the Board, you manifested a sincerity which insha'Allah should stand you in good stead for the road ahead. And it didn't go unnoticed. I pray this Ramadhan is one which allows you to appreciate the immense blessings of your Lord (awj) upon you, and thus to disobey Him (swt) is ingratitude for those munificent bounties, which surely could only be if they remained unrealised by the recipient of them. Wallahu a'lam. After all is said and done, these were just some words. They could be like the important papers one is reading from work, which - having opened the front door to one's house and seen one of your children rush towards you with arms outstretched, calling to you, delighted that you're back - are forgotten in a moment. They are words which - bi'ithnillah ta'ala - may weigh heavily upon your conscience right now (insha'Allah), but might not be able to compete with the smile from your husband that you will no doubt see shortly. Removing that conflict of interests is where your focus needs to be right now, and realising what is *truly* important, for the sake of one's eternal provision. Sometimes when the deafness of the ears isn't due to the quietness of the voice, but in spite of it's loudness, we need to wonder about the cause that dulls our sense to the degree of numbness. It is a cause for concern. Astaghfirullah. Abu Khaled

Clouds with silver linings
AbuKhaled
11/29/00 at 14:14:06
Bismillah Al-Rahman Al-Raheem. Dear Sister Safia, Assalam alaikum wa rahmatullah. Shaykh Adhami mentioned in one of his articles, the hadith of the Prophet (saw), that "The best Deen is to fear what might hurt you in the akhira." In the journey of life we can take many wrong turnings. But, unlike those who don't know where they are headed, we have the good fortune of possessing a map to our destination. We know how to get there, what needs to be done, the preparations which are necessary, and the provisions which should be taken to make the journey felicitous. So even if we do momentarily lose our way, all is not lost. If however, we decide to discard the map, and find our own way, who else but ourselves do we have to blame? Now *that* would be sheer foolishness. It is just a matter of reading the map and finding your way back to the road you need to be on. Insha'Allah you're not like those who've strayed far off the beaten track. ;-) You have the Qur'an (and Sunnah of our Beloved Nabi (saw)), and you find yourself at the beginning of a month where Allah (swt) has opened many doors for you to gain His (awj) blessings and gifts. So don't squander the opportunity. Two simple examples. You see above where I have invoked the name of the Almighty (awj), and then addressed you with salaams? These are sources of thawab [reward] if said with the correct niyyah [intention]. And how much effort do they take? None. A few taps on a keyboard. Yet maybe it will be those small rewards which tip the Scales in my favour on that Day when I need forgiveness and the time to acquire it is no more. Plus these small things help to keep us anchored in our remembrance of Allah (swt) at all times, which itself acts as a counterbalance towards an inclination to displease Him (swt). So avail yourself of the many bounteous means that He (swt) has provided for us to gain such thawab. Even if you cannot see it's effect. It is just like medicine. You can't always explain *how* it works, but you know that it does (bi'ithnillah). You wrote: "My head hurt so much because I feel I know what I've got to do. Yet it's so painful. I whispered in his ear for an hour, "embrace Islam"..."Know Allah"..."You want to be Muslim"...and just praying he would realize Islam is the only way." This is a pain which when contrasted with what awaits us if we decline to follow the Risala [message] of Islam, pails into insignificance. But I know that doesn't lessen it for you. So let us try to prescribe some over-the-counter medicine, insha'Allah. Though I should warn you that I'm a quack, not a qualified doctor. ;-) What is painful? Knowing what you've got to do? What do you conceive that to be? Leave him? Guide him whilst staying with him? This is not a hopeless situation my dear Sister in Islam. There is nothing futile, that you need become so despondent. Leave the outcome to the One (awj) who determines the Qadr [pre-destiny]. Yours is just to make the effort and do that which is required of you. You cannot possibly know what the Divine Plan is, so refrain from projecting into the future based on the picture of your reality as it seems before you. Life can turn on a pinhead. Don't you know this? Your ardent desire for your husband can best be realised by you creating a situation which optimises it's likelihood. But the one who doesn't revise for the exam, should not delude himself that he might pass. Yes, he might, but not for want of effort. Whereas the one who revises, yes, he might fail, but he has taken the means which ensure an increased probability of success. So whilst neither is guaranteed a pass, only one can enter with the foreknowledge that he did his best, his utmost, and Allah (swt) has made the means for us to take. Beyond that, if he fails, then it was not for want of trying. You too, should not predict gloom for the future, for you have yet to begin revising. It is related that the Prophet (saw) said: "Allah Most High says: "He who is hostile to a friend of Mine I declare war against. My slave approaches Me with nothing more beloved to Me than what I have made obligatory upon him, and My slave keeps drawing nearer to Me with voluntary works until I love him. And when I love him, I am his hearing with which he hears, his sight with which he sees, his hand with which he seizes, and his foot with which he walks. If he asks me, I will surely give to him, and if he seeks refuge in Me, I will surely protect him" (Fath al-Bari, 11.340–41, hadith 6502)" We have to strive to become such people my dear Sister. And it is attainable. What you wish for, you need to strive to change (yourself) to the extent that when you ask Allah (swt), He (swt) will give you that which you want. Why? Because at that point what you want will be in accordance with what He (awj) wants for you. If you wish for Allah (swt) to answer your fervent and sincere du'a, then work to embody the above hadith. The way to make your du'a effective is to do the bidding of your Creator (swt). No du'a is effective without Allah (swt) granting you tawfeeq [success] in that which you seek. If you truly want your husband to realise that Islam is the Haqq [Truth], then make sure that truth is embodied within yourself, so he can see it. And that won't come about whilst one is in a situation of ma'siyyah [disobedience] to Allah (swt). It may not be that your husband won't become Muslim, so don't start out from a framework of pessimism. But to increase the probability of that, you must strive to gain the favour of your Lord (swt). There are Muslims in this world who when they ask of Allah (swt), He (swt) answers them. How do they reach such a maqam [station]? By submitting to His (awj) 'Irada [Will] wholeheartedly, always, without question. By operationalising that which this Deen requires of them, to ensure the felicity which can only be granted by Allah (swt). By emulating the habib [beloved] of Allah (swt) - the Prophet Muhammad (saw). You wrote: "And like you said, what if it doesn't happen and I look back on my wasted years of sin." Someone else said this, not I. Nevertheless, whoever said it, the issue is that you don't shouldn't incur sin whilst trying your best to ensure that this happens. That's the point. Islam doesn't come about through haram means. This would go against the Sunnah of Allah (swt), which is not possible. Ironically, it would be this very perpetuation of sin which could be the cause for it not happening, wallahu a'lam. Sister Safia, I can see exactly what you're telling yourself. That it is *conceivable* in your mind's eye that your husband *could* become Muslim, if only the message could reach him in the right (i.e. effective) way. Yes? And then you both could be legitimately married, insha'Allah ta'ala. And no doubt you're also worried that, say you decide you can't continue to be in such a relationship, and you tell him, then that might turn him away from you, and by extension, from the possibility of inclining towards Islam. Thus, you tell yourself there is a greater probability of success if you stay within the marriage. Problem: you're looking to the issue through the window of rationality, not Islam. Secondly, even if it *does* transpire that he embraces Islam through marriage to you - and it is possible, for Allah (swt) can make it so - what you need to appreciate is that the sin of existing within the confines of such a relationship will not be lifted, or justified. You absolutely must separate this into two issues. One is your marriage to him, and the other is your da'wah to him. The latter is not a pretext to legitimise the perpetuation of the former. Yes, rationally it seems more likely that he would come to Islam through the existing situation, though there is no guarantee. But rationality is not the basis upon which we take our Islamic steps my dear Sister. Rather, it is Islam which is the reference point. And that which you may not be able to see happening if you abide by what Islam requires of you to do, does not mean it cannot be so. It just means that you now acknowledge that which you need to as a Muslim, namely, that we don't have knowledge of the ghayb [unseen], in this case, the future. It is entirely feasible that your husband will still come to Islam even if you go about it the Islamic route. But more than this, consider the alternative trade off. Is him becoming Muslim via you continuing in a haram relationship, worth the consequent penalty in the hereafter you may have to face? What is your aim in life? To be married or to please Allah (swt)? Can the two not be merged? That is, a marriage which is pleasing to Allah (swt). To bring this about, one needs to facilitate it through the halal means, so that those means count in your favour, rather than being a possible door to the Naar [Fire], a'uzubillah. We don't write the script for life, so there is no way you can know how this will turn out, how this drama will unfold. And ours is not to imagine that we can influence outcomes. No, ours is to realise that what our takleef [responsibility] is, is to make the effort necessary to attain the means, whilst at the same time acknowledging that He (awj) is Ultimately the One (awj) who directs the destiny. So it is redundant to project into the future and play out possibilities and scenarios of 'if I do X then Y will happen, but if I don't then it won't. Or if I do B instead, then A might happen." Instead, your concern stops at what you need to do, rather than extending to thinking that doing it will definitely result in a specific outcome, for that knowledge is known only to Allah (swt). Many are the times when we do an action which - from reality- should lead to a particular outcome, but it doesn't. I'm sure you can think of examples of this. One common example is of the Muslim who prays Salat al-Istikhara [the prayer of Guidance] but senses no ishara [sign/indication] pertaining to that which s/he asked about. So s/he begins to wonder about whether such prayers actually work. This is the mistake, because the issue here is not with the prayer, but with the individual. One needs to be free from blemishes which rust the heart and veil oneself from such signs, in order for such a prayer to be effective, wallahu a'lam. If one prays without due sincerity and conviction, then who else but the self is to blame? Numerous other examples abound. Life doesn't work like this. Reality is what Allah (swt) makes it, not what we delude ourselves into thinking we effect, by our actions. So for us, all we need to know is what is required of us by Islam. And leave the rest to Him (swt), who has assured you that if you abide by His (awj) Deen, you can't go wrong. What you need to acquire is tawakAllah [trust in Allah ]. And this is no small feat. Many of us claim we possess this, but often when push comes to shove, it is revealed to be mere lip-service. Like the brother who works in a secure job, and earns a good income. He says he knows that Allah (swt) is the One (awj) who provides, not his own effort. But, if he truly knew this, and lived by it, then that day when he is made unemployed why does he suddenly fear for his rizq [provision]? For whether he works or not, in both cases Allah ta'ala is Al-Razzaq [The Provider]. The reason we make the effort to earn an income is not because we believe we ourselves are responsible for bringing about that rizq, but because He (swt) has Commanded us to undertake such an effort. Wallahu a'lam. It is easy to claim one believes in something when one is not being tested upon that belief. But when Allah ta'ala tests you by it, then you better be sure you truly believed what it is you claimed you believed, and what it means to believe it. In the same way, you need to not think that you can bring about a situation in disregard to His (awj) 'amr [command], but to rather abide by the parameter's He (awj) has laid down for you, and then make tawakAllah. This is what is necessary of the mu'min [believer]. Shaykh Adhami related that Umar ibn al-Khattab (ra) said, "If a matter is to be, Allah will facilitate it for you." I'm going to tell you a true story which one of the Shuyukh related. I tell you this because the worst thing you could do in your delicate and emotional condition is to renounce your Islam for the sake of wanting to remain in such a situation. Whatever you do, don't do that! So, Shaykh Hamza asked another Shaykh about a non-Muslim woman who wanted to embrace Islam, but she was presently married to a non-Muslim man. The latter Shaykh exclaimed "Zaniyyah, zaniyyah!" (referring to the illegitimacy of the conjugal relationship which would result). So Shaykh Hamza asked him whether one who is non-Muslim has any chance of paradise? The other Shaykh replied in the negative. So Shaykh Hamza asked him whether, on the other hand, a sinful Muslim has the chance for paradise, to which the Shaykh replied yes. So Shaykh Hamza told him that it is better she embraces Islam and is sinful, with a chance for jannah, than remaining kaffir [unbeliever] and not even having that. Now, that is for one who is not Muslim and their entering Islam will result in a situation of sin. But the point of me mentioning it is to say to you that whatever you do, don't reject Islam, however hard this situation you face seems. For however you are right now, being in the fold of Islam means you have the olive branch of forgiveness everpresent. What it doesn't mean though is that forgiveness is guaranteed, so it is not an excuse nor a reason to continue with the haram. But I just wanted to take a 'worst-case-scenario' example in case the thought does/has crossed your mind. Please note one thing Sister. I'm not here giving you a fatwa, for I am not a Mufti, much less an Alim. I'm just a brother with concern, who lacks enough knowledge to advise you. All I can remind you of is the hukm, for there *may* (I'm not saying there is!) be situations where it would be legitimate to stay within such a marriage for a defined time period. Life contains many and varied scenarios, and whilst such a situation cannot be condoned, there may also be examples of similar situations where leaving the marriage would lead to a worse situation than staying. For example, if the Sister was under threat of death by a family member and had *nowhere* else to turn to safeguard her life. Maybe, maybe, a Mufti would pass a fatwa allowing her to remain under the protection of her husband, on the pretext of some shar'a daleel [evidence] which is apt given that the situation is one of life and death. There are rules, and there are exceptions to rules. Islam covers all bases, every possibility, and all eventualities. However, here I am just speculating and in *no way* saying that such a case would definitely arise. So please don't take my words as an excuse to look for excuses. You wrote: "I'm so sad." My dear Sister upon the Sirat al-Mustaqeem, may Allah (swt) make firm your resolve and intention of istiqama, and cement you in steadfastness. Don't be sad. Sad is the one who has pre-judged the prognosis as being dismal and is now pessimistic. Yes, what you face is not easy, but Allah ta'ala informs us in His (awj) Kitab [Book] that He (awj) tests most severely those whom He (awj) is closest to. So undergoing such a test does not mean necessarily that you are distant from Allah (swt). What it might mean is that you are just veiled to proximity by the existence of an everpresent sin, wallahu a'lam. Look to this through the looking glass of a Muslim. Namely, that you are being presented with a situation where you have an opportunity to do the right thing. Seize it! Imagine the immense ajar [reward] you can amass by taking a step in the right direction here. Consider the opportunity which Allah (swt) is placing before you, to please Him (swt). Then peer within yourself and sigh at the huge effort and sacrifice it demands of you, and turn to the words of Ibn Abbas (ra), whom Shaykh Adhami relates, said, " Deeds are rewarded by the level of one's effort." So the fact that this might demand a lot from you to do the right thing, in actuality signifies the possibility of huge rewards, alhamdulillah! During winter, Ahmed may pray fajr in the masjid next to Mustafa, in congregation, but the level of effort required for him to muster up the energy to drag himself out of his warm comfy inviting bed, is much greater than that which is needed by his brother Mustafa who finds it not a struggle at all. So Sister Safia, I can understand your sadness. But it might be a good thing if it spurs you into doing that which the One (awj) who has your every deed recorded for reckoning, will be most pleased with. But, if you let it, your sadness could swing you the other way, into a state of despair, which is not how to use it in your favour, for despair is not a trait of the believer. No, this is tough, but tough means the reward is that much greater, for the effort required to climb up the side of a mountain which is steeper, is always more rewarding when you finally reach the top. As the poet said: "Ever did a victory taste so sweet, As one you thought you'd never meet?" I pray that I have not given you a further cause for grief, and that you see this situation not as a bane around your neck dragging you down towards hellfire, but for the opportunity to stride magnificently towards jannah it could be if only you let it. I pray Allah (swt) accepts your endeavours for His (awj) Deen, and that He (swt) allows you to learn from this and better yourself, in a way which will see your Islam soar to heights which you could not possibly have envisaged before now, insha'Allah. Take care Sister Safia. Wassalam alaikum wa rahmatullah. Astaghfirullah for not being more of a help, or better equipped. I'm sorry. Your brother in Islam, Abu Khaled

Re: Marriage to a Non-Muslim
hefrida
11/29/00 at 23:14:59
here is Exodus 35:1-3, Deuteronomy 5:12-13, Leviticus 23:3 and also check out Al Qur'an 2:65, 7:163. It is said that praying is held on the 7th day, what is the 7th day ? Saturday. So praying on Sunday is based on .....? Discuss, show the unconsistencies of his own holybook ! It has ever happened to me. Wassalam

Re: Marriage to a Non-Muslim
SafiaYazmin
12/05/00 at 00:22:08
Assalamualaikum wa ramatullahi wa barakatuh I appreciate everyone's help on this delicate matter. I would like to say that after speaking seriously with my husband on this matter he says he ould like to embrace Islam. We have covered topics such as Allah and where Jesus fits into Islam and he does agree that Islam does provide like the more likely senario for Jesus's role. We have not covered much about the Prophet Muhammad (Pbuh)but we will Insha'Allah. Now the question becomes, what if he is doing this because he fears he may lose me? Is this just something I can only take his word at and it between him and Allah?

Re: Marriage to a Non-Muslim
Arsalan
12/05/00 at 00:41:35
Assalamu alaikum, Safia - this is really good news, and it should make you happy!  You are right.  You cannot know for sure why he's doing what he's doing.  But it remains between him and Allah.  Only Allah knows what is in the heart of a person.  What is important for you is that your husband, who openly rejected the religion of Islam before, has moved at least a step closer towards accepting Islam.  If he is doing it sincerely, alhamdulillah!  If he is not, let's hope that he will eventually become sincere! What does this mean?  This means that your job doesn't end at him saying the shahaadah.  You will have to continue to help him after that.  Just like a group of foster parents have to nurture the child who is newly brought to their house.  The child may or may not feel easy in the new environment.  Whether he truly wants to be there or not, the foster parents can't tell at the beginning!  Regardless, they work their hardest in making him/her feel at home and part of their family.  You will have to do the same.  You cannot push too hard, but you cannot let go completely either, if you know what I mean.   Keep an eye on him.  Make sure he continues to learn more about Islam, and that he's always moving in the positive direction.  If something bothers him, talk to him.  If you have the answer, explain it to him.  If you don't, consult someone and let him know.   A VERY important thing here is to get a couple of brothers to work on him.  How you would do that depends on your circumstances.  Perhaps through a Muslimah friend of yours, or the imam of the Masjid maybe.  But it would be really nice if he could begin hanging out with some nice Muslim guys who would not only help him out in his search but also be good examples for him. May Allah help you, and guide your husband towards the Truth.  Remember, his search doesn't end at saying the shahaadah.  In most cases, that is only the beginning! Wassalamu alaikum wa rahmatullah.

Re: Marriage to a Non-Muslim
SafiaYazmin
12/06/00 at 07:18:15
He asked me to take him to the mosque this Sunday (he knows that when I usually go to the classes). He said he wants to talk to the Imam and get information in way of a class or seeing the brothers pray. He's seen me pray but he never just stands and watches me. He sees that I am praying and leavs the room for my privacy. He's got a couple of Muslim friends at work. And they try to guide him. They may be doing more work than I. The only problem or difficulty for him is that his English is slightly limited. He speaks Spanish. He's concerned that when he goes, he won't understand anyone who speaks with an accent. I'm trying to find materials in spanish. I came across a web site at one time but now I have to find it again. Also, I read that if he becomes muslim within 3 months, we don't have to re-marry. Is this true? It has been 2 months and 19 days. I will probably verify this with the Imam on Sunday. Thanks everyone for your help and encoragement and for sharing your knowledge. Jazakallahu Khaira.

Re: Marriage to a Non-Muslim
haaris
12/06/00 at 08:16:47
Salaam, Safiya, I speak Spanish.  If your husband needs any help in his own language then by all means I will help, Insha' Allah.  Unfortunately my knowledge of the deen is pitifully small but perhaps I can assist in translating. Please e-mail me if I can help. Salaam.

Re: Marriage to a Non-Muslim
SA
12/06/00 at 10:58:36
Assalaamu alaikum, Safia Alhamdulillah, there are sooo many links out there for converts & Spanish-speaking Muslims, here are just a few (I haven't checked them all out, but I hope insha'Allah they will help if your husband doesn't mind internet searching): http://www.homestead.com/nur/1truth.html (check out the links) http://www.angelfire.com/pq/Andalusia/ http://www.orst.edu/groups/msa/books/addresses_s.html http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Agora/4229/convertstoIslam.html http://www.islamerica.org.ar/ http://www.orst.edu/groups/msa/quran/index_s.html  (Quran in Spanish) One thing, altho a lot of ppl come to know Islam through the internet, the best influence on your husband would be the Quran & other Muslim brothers, maybe other Spanish-speaking bros if possible.  I pray you & your husband grow steadfast on this deen, and may Allah guide us all to the decisions that please Him, aameen.

Re: Marriage to a Non-Muslim
SafiaYazmin
12/06/00 at 16:11:18
Thanks so much. I printed off some information from those sites for him. I found them to be very good sites (my spanish is limited but I do understand a great deal). I can't wait to give this to him. You all brought tears to my eyes how helpful everyone is here. I do appreciate it. Jazakallahu Khaira.

Re: Marriage to a Non-Muslim
Malika
12/06/00 at 16:29:54
slm Sister Safyia I am glad to see your happiness!   Allah says the believers should help one another and that is what we are here for. :-)

Re: Marriage to a Non-Muslim
widad
12/06/00 at 16:36:42
slm You said: "Also, I read that if he becomes muslim within 3 months, we don't have to re-marry. Is this true? It has been 2 months and 19 days. " Dear safiya it is not a marriage,it is not valid islamically,so how did yoyu read that you do not have to re-marry?? Get out and keep away,give him all the resources and help you can,but you have nothing to do with him as in marriage.If you set a good example ,and he will find out how strong this religion is,and hiow strong your faith is,he will learn.Then when he does become a muslim,and has truly repented and you too,then that is another story.

Re: Marriage to a Non-Muslim
SafiaYazmin
12/06/00 at 17:04:44
Widad, I re-read the situation that was refering to and it was different than mine. Sorry if I put any bad information out there. You are correct. Our marriage doesn't exist in Islam and until he is Muslim and we marry, he is haram for me. Thanks.

Closer & Closer
AbuKhaled
12/06/00 at 17:53:53
Bismillah Al-Rahman Al-Raheem. Dear Sister Safia, Assalam alaikum wa rahmatullah. I am delighted to hear your news regarding your husband. Truly Allah ta'ala never allows the efforts to be in vain. May He (awj) reward you abundantly for all your effort, and allow you to find sakina [tranquility] in your quest. It is a big step, so he will need to be steadied in order to ensure his foothold is firm, so try if you can to introduce him to some good exemplar brothers, with knowledge, taqwa and hikmah [wisdom]. Make sure you extract any and all questions he has, and are able to address them - or have them addressed - adequately. Islam is a way of life, not a way of maintaining a marriage, so he must want this, willingly, without reservation, and for the right reasons. Me mentioning that does not mean I doubt him, but that the possibility for ulterior motives exists. It would be naïve not to admit this, so you are right to wonder, for this is not a game, it is life itself. Though you seem acute to, it having asked about the consequences of it being the case. Life ultimately is about knowing the truth, and then submitting to it, for no other reason than because it is the truth. Everything else is secondary. You know that if you ever need anything I am only an email away, though the other, more learned, Brothers & Sisters are better ports of call. I myself will - bi'ithnillah - be away very soon for about a month, so in the meantime I will make du'a for you and your situation, and also ask the Shuyukh that I meet to do the same, insha'Allah. Regarding whether your husband is expressing his interest just to continue to be with you, leave that to Allah (swt). Remove any doubts you might have through penetrating questions, tactfully and without incurring his dismay at second-guessing him. Beyond that, know that iman is not something we acquire, or choose, but that which Allah ta'ala emplaces within us, through His (awj) utter Rahma upon us. We just reach out to the means He (awj) has provided for us in order to touch this magnificent Deen. So even if your husband is not sincere in his desire to become Muslim, Allah ta'ala can still make it so that that sincerity is brought about. But insha'Allah he is sincere, and with you by his side no doubt he is seeing what it means to be Muslim, so how could he not want that? Very soon -bit'ithnillah ta'ala - you will be his garment, and he yours, and that which once made you sad will then onwards bring you only joy, insha'Allah. If he takes the Shahadah during the period of my absence, please convey my deepest salaams and congratulations to him, and accept my most heartfelt du'a for you both, and your future. Abu Khaled
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