Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Need advice and opinions |
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| Anonymous |
| 11/26/00 at 00:09:20 |
| I have been married to my husband for more than 20 years and we have 4 kids. We have had a happy marriage; he has been a good husband and father and I have no complaints. However, I recently learned that he has been having an affair with a non-Muslim woman for more than a year. I have tried to be patient with the situation for months now. Many people have tried to talk sense to him, but he refuses to give up the relationship with her because he believes that he truly loves both her and me. He says he is not sure that he wants to marry her, but that he cannot just abandon her. She is recently divorced with 2 kids. Here's my question, and I know all of you are saying, is this woman crazy, because I get that reaction often. Should I divorce him? My head says that I should because this whole thing is so haram, it is affecting my kids and destroying my self-respect. But I still love him; my marriage has been my whole life, and it is not easy to just walk away. This is totally out of character for him, and my only explanation is that he is having a major midlife crisis. Please don't advise me to talk to him because we have logged a million hours of talk, all of it, to no avail. He is confused and irrational about the whole thing. Please help! |
| NS |
| Re: Need advice and opinions |
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| Zahra |
| 11/26/00 at 02:49:50 |
| Divorce him! Your not just a doormat to be walked on. What he is doing is insensitive, selfish, and arrogant. I understand that he's been your husband for a long time and that you have a tight history together and 4 children but there are limits that if one crosses them, initiative really needs to be taken, no matter what the circumstances. I wonder if it's even halal to stay married to him. Of course, I'm no scholar, but my advice is to divorce him if he's not doing serious repentance. Among many other divine reasons, the institution of polygamy was allowed by Allah so that men take full responsibility for their relations with women. |
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| hermit |
| 11/26/00 at 08:22:37 |
| Assalam-u-Alaikum, Isn't a man allowed to mary upto 4 wives? But I don't know, maybe divorce him coz he is having a haraam(i think) relationship. Just my advice. |
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| Saleema |
| 11/26/00 at 16:12:00 |
| I have tried to be patient with the situation for months now. Many people have tried to talk sense to him, but he refuses to give up the relationship with her because he believes that he truly loves both her and me. If a man can't give up a *haram* relationship with a woman for the sake of *Allah,* then I wouldn't trust his commitment and seriousness with anyone. Not his wife, not his children, his parents nor his friends, workers, etc. What your husband is doing is *very,* *very* haram! If he truly loves you and her, then he would have *married* the woman and taken her as his second wife. Personally I would question his *sincerity* to Islam and his *devotion* to Allah first and then myself. Parents are supposed to be role models for their children. Would your husband or you tolerate your children dating? What kind of an example is your husband setting up for your children? I wonder the same thing as Zahra, that if it is even *halal* to stay with a husband who transgresses the limits set by Allah. He says he is not sure that he wants to marry her, but that he cannot just abandon her. Astaghferullah! May Allah guide him. He cannot abandon her? Why not? First of all, he is transgressing the limits of Allah and he cannot abandon her for the sake of Allah? Why can't he do that? Can't she take care of herself? He says he is not sure that he wants to marry her I am sorry, I know that he is your husband and everything but I have to say this. Allah says in the Qur'an to "Forbid evil and enjoin good.." That statement of his shows that he wasn't serious with her, that he was playing her too. Because love is when you want to spend your life with someone and within the limits set by Allah. That is not love, that's lust. Even after being caught he's being stubborn about carrying on with his haram relationship with her but does not want to marry her. If a man's intentions are pure and if he wants to take a second wife he would do it according to Islam. If this was an Islamic country he would be stoned to death for adultery. That is the punishment prescribed by Allah when the adulterer comes out and admits in public that he has committed that crime. is this woman crazy, because I get that reaction often. No, you are not crazy. It is only natural to cling on to someone that you have loved for so long. it is affecting my kids and destroying my self-respect. Again your kids need a good role model, which is very important. If your husband is not providing that role then you need to think about this very seriously. What if he refuses to give up his relationship with her? Are you going to continue to let your self-respect be destroyed? *You are just as important as him.* But I still love him; my marriage has been my whole life, and it is not easy to just walk away. You are right that it is never easy to walk away. But did he think of this when he first entered in this relationship with her? Pain takes time to heal if you choose to divorce him. If you do maybe Allah will give you a better companion. This is totally out of character for him, and my only explanation is that he is having a major midlife crisis. The Prophet (S) said that anyone who does not feel hurt for his Muslim brother or sister when he or she feels pain is not a true Muslim. I am sorry that you had to go through this. If you live Islam the way Allah has asked us to live then our lives would be filled with bliss until the day we die. Midlife Crisis? That means that you can do haram things because you are stressed? I don't think so. If midlife crisis were such a serious thing then Allah would have mentioned it and would have said to us to be careful so that we don't end up doing haram things especially in this stage of our lives. Please don't make excuses for him. I don't think Allah will take the excuse of midlife crises when he will be questioned about his haram relationship. Please don't advise me to talk to him because we have logged a million hours of talk, all of it, to no avail. He is confused and irrational about the whole thing. Please help! Dear sister, may Allah give you a place in his beautiful gardens and may Allah help you through this. Only you can help yourself with the help of Allah through prayer and action. If he's not listening to you then there's not much that you can do except maybe divorce him. If talking hasn't helped then what will? How about reminding him that this is very haram and that he is setting up a bad example for his children by not being an Islamic model for them. May Allah help you and shower His Mercy upon him and your children and may He give you and your family peace. May He guide your husband. Ameen. Wassalam and I will keep you in my prayers. |
| NS |
| Re: Need advice and opinions |
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| h_m_r00 |
| 11/27/00 at 14:00:34 |
| Salaam Dear Anonymous This man does not deserve your love.I know that its a bit harsh for me to say it since I do not know him, but the same exact thing happened to my aunt...and now I am wondering if you are her:) Any way...my aunt did not divorce him. Instead they went on a trip to Makkah together...It was not like him to cheat. He was one of the best people on earth, regarding his charecteristics and Imaan. After long talks that produced nothing they went to Makkah...He made tawbaah and now they are living 'happily' together... I am sure you are asking these questions... why would he cheat on you?he should not do something Haram if he were a true muslim.You are better than that, and you deserve better.Do not respect him, because he does not deserve any one's respect, and he is taking away from your life. He is taking away your self respect, and people's respect for you. And believe me you do not want any one's pity. the answer is in him...WA ALLAHU AL MUWAFFAQUE I will make du'a for you insha'allah...and I am here if you need anything ...ever. Hiyam |
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| Anonymous |
| 11/28/00 at 00:38:42 |
| Subhana'Allah! Well I am sure you read all of the above post which masha'Allah I think were given with the best intention. I think the post which mentioned one's commitment to Allah ta 'ala as being the first thing he is violating made an excellent point. We cannot say we love Allah and then continue to reside in a den of darkness (willingly). by our actions we are saying that we love Allah but we have set something or someone else up as a rival with our love for Allah. Astagfirullah! I don't know your husband so I will not say that he does not love Allah nor will i judge his character. But what he is doing is outside of the limits of Islam. He is allowing himself to become a puppet of the shaytan -(being easily moved toward things that are haram as a puppet master manipulates his puppet) engaging in that which Allah (swt) has not permitted. If he feels that he is seriously confused on this issue than he should pray salat and ask Allah to help him out of this situation and guide him to those deeds which our Rabb is pleased with. This deed which he is engaging in will not lead him to the Face of Allah. I recommend that you make du'a and make salat and trust Allah. Remember in Surat Ash - Sharah Allah says what translated means: Verily, along with every hardship is relief, Verily, along with every hardship is relief (i.e. there is one harship with two reliefs, so one hardship cannot overcome two reliefs) [94:5-6]. Also, if there is a sheikh that you both can go and talk to that would be good as well. Insha'Allah your du'a is answered and this incident comes to an end soon. I will make du'a for you insha'Allah. |
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| humble_muslim |
| 12/06/00 at 10:32:12 |
| First of all, I'm really sorry to hear about your predicament. I pray that Allah SWT helps you in your problem, and advise you to pray as well. What your husband has done is a VERY major sin. The Prophet (SAW) said that a muslim may be killed for only three reasons : murder, adultery, and apostatsy (giving up the religion). So you should realise the extent of his sin : that in the eyes of Allah SWT he had committed a crime that is as serious as if had murdered somebody. And not only has he committed this crime, but he keeps committing it, and does not want to stop it. According to the Ulema, there are three types of rights : rights to Allah, rights to one's fellow human beings, and rights to oneself. Your husband has grossly violated all these rights by his behaviour. He has betrayed the right of Allah by disobeyoing him; he has betrayed your right by getting into a haram relationship with another woman; and he has betrayed his own rights by sinning. Are you getting the message ? What you husband has done in the sight of Allah SWT is almost the worst thing a human can do : it is not just another "sin". The punishment for adultery, which is to be stoned to death, shows just how serious this act is. The Prophet (SAW) taked about loving for the sake of Allah and hating for the sake of Allah. So you've been married for 20 years, and you love him. But ask yourself why do you still love him ? And ask yourself (I'm sorry if I'm being harsh here) can you love a human who in the sight of Allah SWT is utterly contemptible ? One more thing. You say that is hard for you to just walk away, and that your marriage has been your whole life. But even if he was not doing this behaviour, someday he would die. And then you would have no choice but to walk away. In conclusion, you need to realize that by doing what he has done, this man no longer deserves your love. May Allah SWT guide and help us all, Ameen |
| Re: Need advice and opinions |
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| Malika |
| 12/06/00 at 16:23:04 |
| slm I'm confused about one thing. There aren't any greetings in many of these posts! Are we dealing with Muslims? From the post I get the impression we are. I would like to say that after 20 years of a happy marriage one does not just walk out. who here gave any thought to the children? I don't know the ages but there is alot of hurt here and Allah (swt) should definitly be the one who is consulted on this issue. Question: If everyone knows he is committing this grave sin why hasn't anyone talked about the punishment to him (not the responses to the post) if he insist on this haram situation why hasn't Allah's (swt) commandment been carried out. This brother seems to think he has alot of time to persist in error. You know your husband better than anyone else. Have you talked to the woman. Maybe you can try a different angle. She obviously has no idea of the grave danger the brother is in. the ultimate repentance is up to the brother but it might be possible to create a situation that which will open his eyes. If he truly feels the way he says he does than he will repent (if that is possible) and marry this woman. Now a question: How would you feel about that?? Like I said I don't know the children's ages but if they are not grown then they should not be involved I say this for 2 reasons: 1) what if you and him resolve this? Children can't forgive and let go like adults and 2) what if you divorce him do you want to destroy the relationship between him and his children? That is not being fair to the children. As I said earlier Allah (swt) knows best and he will definitely guide you where you need to be. We must remember this deen is more about understanding and forgiveness than anger May Allah grant you mercy from himself and guide you in this affair Ameen |
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| humble_muslim |
| 12/07/00 at 05:32:24 |
| Malika, We all need to understand the seveirty of the crime the adulterer has committed. Even if he repents, his crime is so severe that he is not guaranteed to be forgiven until the hadd punishment (stoning to death) is carried out. Islam IS about forgiveness, but it is also about justice and stability in the community. There is no action worse than adultery to start destroying the social fabric of a community, something we all know. Adultery is also a sin against the community, so it cannot be taken lightly. |
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| Malika |
| 12/07/00 at 11:57:16 |
| slm As I said in my other post "why hasn't the punishment been carried out if people in the community knows of this crime. I don't say to take it lightly. I speak to the sister when I say it isn't going to be easy. You have failed to answer my question: What about the children?? Do they not matter? Another question: because this man is in grave error no greetings would be extended to the sister ??? Yes the ultimate forgiveness is for Allah (swt) in which part did I disagree with that? Perhaps those who say "leave him" would like the address so they can personally go and help stone him to death. Or do they just say leave him and let him be go into the community so that he may continue to destroy other women's lives? Yes separation from your husband is the ultimate end so maybe you can start to get yourself together now to support your children on your own. The man who will come along and take care of 4 children who don't belong to him is very rare. As sad as it is there are brothers who divorce from their wives and don't take care of their own. |
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| humble_muslim |
| 12/07/00 at 12:50:44 |
| Asalam Alaikum First, I apologize for not atarting with a greeting. This is not personal against the sister who started this thread, just my laziness. Malika, what do you think are the consequences of a child being brought up by an adulterer ? When he/she is told to lower his gaze, and not talk to people of the oppposite sex, what is that child going to think knowing what his/her father has done? Children always mimic their parents. The damage to the children has already been done by this man. Unless he sincrely repents and stops what he is doing, the damage can never be repaired. I feel very sorry for the sister. But I really feel that staying with him is just prolonging the agony for both her and her kids. |
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| Saleema |
| 12/07/00 at 15:48:45 |
| Assalam ualykum, I don't know why I didn't start my thread with a greeting, I usually do. I don’t think that any of us meant to do this on purpose, or else we wouldn't have made dua for her. The adulterer hasn't been punished most likely because he is not living in an Islamic country. The whole community would be put to death or worse if they stone him to death in a kafir country. Nothing can be done in such a situation. That's obvious. The only right thing to do is to divorce him and let Allah deal with him. Allah's rights come first. The Community's right come first too. So in this case the children's rights are to be considered last to avoid a greater harm or evil. What is better to have, no father at home or a father who is an adulterer? Fathers aren't there just so that they can provide food for their children; they are also responsible for the upbringing of their children. And frankly that man isn't setting up a good example, (like father, like son), nor is he providing a good environment for them. If you give up for the sake of Allah and put Allah first in everything that you do in life, Allah will reward you. Maybe they won't find a stepfather who will want to take care of four children, but so what? They will have Allah, and Allah is the best of Caretakers. We say we rely on Allah, but do we really when it comes to really tough situations? Maybe they won't have enough money as they do now. What is better, to have material success in this life or to have success in the hereafter? Maybe Allah will provide them with Jannah *just* for this, that their mother sacrificed for them and tried to raise them in a good environment. And God knows best. Wassalam |
| NS |
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| Malika |
| 12/07/00 at 16:42:38 |
| slm Sister Saleema I can agree with you on all points except one: like father like son. I can attest that this isn't always the case Alhumdulliah! but you are absolutely right about Allah being the sustainer. i can tell you however that there are men (rare however) that can raise their children to be upstanding in the community and they have those bad traits and the children know nothing about it. There are some things children shouldn't be a part of period. |
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| Saleema |
| 12/08/00 at 13:33:14 |
| Assalam ualykum, Sister Malika I agree with you to some extent that it is not always the case that children will aquire the same bad traits as their parents. But sometimes it happpens. This is such a serious crime, by not repenting and not letting his mistress go, he is in direct violation of Allah's laws. What is he teaching his children? Do you really think that when there is fighting and tension between the husband and wife that the children won't notice? They probably already know what their father has done if they are of age. If the whole community knows, the people living in the same house as him won't know? That's impossible. I have seen similar situations, like two or three. Even if the children don't know yet maybe because they are too young to understand what is going on, then as they grow up they will find out from someone from the community. Wassalam |
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