[MADRASA] What if there isn't any chemistry between husband and wife?

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[MADRASA] What if there isn't any chemistry between husband and wife?
Anonymous
07/10/01 at 00:46:28
What if there isn't any?

What if a woman is not attracted to her husband and she does not enjoy marital
relations with him? Is this a valid reason for a woman to ask for a divorce? i.e.
that she has no attraction for her husband. Sorry if this is an inappropriate
topic but unfortunately, it's a reality and thus, one that I know the Prophet (saw)
dealt with.
Re: chemistry between husband and wife
Saleema
11/26/00 at 15:15:57
Assalam ualykum,

There isn't anything inappropriate about this subject as long as you don't go in details or something.

Anyway, as far as I know it can be grounds for a divorce. I know that a woman in the Prophet's (S) life had a similar problem and she got divorce and the Prophet approved of it. But don't you think that for this you can talk to the imam at your local masjid or something? I mean after all divorce is something very serious. I am not discouraging you from posting on here, you can still do that of course and talk to an imam or someone knowledgeable that can be trusted. Maybe you can call anonymously if you feel embarrassed.

May Allah help you with your problem. Ameen.

wassalam
NS
Re: chemistry between husband and wife
katooshkah
11/27/00 at 11:03:26
salaam alaikum,

Saleema (or anyone else who might know),

I wonder if you have any information about the context in which the Prophet approved the woman's divorce. Maybe she was NEVER attracted to him or didn't really want to marry him or something?

I just can't get past the notion that getting a divorce because "he just doesn't turn me on anymore" is a frivolous thing to do. And to the woman with the chemistry problem, I'm not trying to imply that you're frivolous. I don't know your situation at all.

Also, to the woman not attracted to her husband: If this isn't something that existed since day one in your marriage, it's probably something that can be fixed. If that's what you want. There are lots of things that can kill attraction for your spouse; stress, anger, children, illness, even birth control pills. Just to name a few. Take care.

And thanks to anyone who can answer my initial question.

Re: chemistry between husband and wife
Saleema
11/27/00 at 12:07:44
Assalamoalykum,

I knew I shouldn't have said anything about that hadith. Now I have to go find it!

wassalam
Re: chemistry between husband and wife
Saleema
11/30/00 at 01:32:47
Maybe she was NEVER attracted to him or didn't really want to marry him or something?

That's what I remember from the hadith that she was never attracted to him but I still have to look for it.

I just can't get past the notion that getting a divorce because "he just doesn't turn me on anymore" is a frivolous thing to do. And to the woman with the chemistry problem, I'm not trying to imply that you're frivolous. I don't know your situation at all.

Divorce is allowed in Islam but it is the thing that Allah despises the most from the things that He has made permissible. But divorce is there for a reason.

Maybe the sister's situation is similar to that of the woman in the hadith. The sister didn't elaborate any further so I don't know. Even if it isn't, I still don't see what's wrong with getting a divorce from him. If all possible means are exhausted in such a situation to set the situation right, and life is becoming unbearable, maybe it is better for the couple to seek divorce. If it puts strain on the couple mentally as well as on their day to day lives, wouldn't it be better to leave such a situation for one's well being and each others? Why continue to live in misery?

I am in *no way* suggesting to you sister that you should seek divorce because I think that this is something that needs to be talked about with an Alim. Here is a useful site that you can elaborate on your problem and get an answer that will actually set the record straight. [url]www.islam-qa.com[/url]

Also, to the woman not attracted to her husband: If this isn't something that existed since day one in your marriage, it's probably something that can be fixed.

Perhaps sister katherine may be right? Anyway you should read this article. Actually why not buy the book? [url]http://www.jannah.org/sisters/relations.html[/url]

wassalam
Saleema
Re: chemistry between husband and wife
Arsalan
11/30/00 at 01:41:05
Assalamu alaikum,

Hmm, Saleema, I'd be interested in seeing that hadith also.  Please try to find it if you can.
Re: chemistry between husband and wife
Saleema
11/30/00 at 17:44:58
Assalam ualykum,

Dear sister with the marriage problem,

Have you talked to your husband about how you feel? I really hope that you buy the book listed above and both you and your husband read it. If you decide to get divorce, (please, please talk to someone with knowledge,), I hope that you will discuss this with him first to see if you both can work this out. If you don't let him know about how you feel and get a divorce then it wouldn't be fair to him. Fear Allah sister. I am not saying or implying in anyway that you are bad, I'm just saying that so you will be careful and that your akhira would be good.

I found the hadith, (actually a kind brother did), but I am hesitating to post it on here because I'm afraid that you or someone else might take this an OK sign, that it is okay to divorce your husband for this. As I said earlier, talk to someone with knowledge. The man in the hadith, from what I heard, when he was martyred he went to Jannah and the Prophet (S) said that Allah gave him a loving and a beautiful spouse there. Or that He will when life in Heaven and Hell begins. I am not sure about how the story goes or if it even true. I am going to ask our sheikh about the story as soon as I get the chance to talk to him.

Before I post the hadith I just want to say that the reward of patience is great and that to a Muslim looks shouldn't matter a lot. I am not encouraging you or discouraging you from divorce. I know I have said this many times before, and I will say it one more time, that you should seek guidance from someone with a knowledge and that you two should try to work on this together.

One day Jamilah bint Abdullah bin Ubayy ibn Salul appeared before the Prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam and said "O Messenger of Allah! I and Thaabit can never live together. I saw him coming from the other side with some men. I found that he had the smallest stature, was the blackest & ugliest among them; I swear by God that i do not dislike him on account of any religious or moral turpitude, but i dislike him on account of his ugliness. I swear by God that if i did not fear God i would spit on his face when he comes to me (meaning that she hated his very sight). O Messenger of Allah! You can see how beautiful i am while Thabit is an ugly person. I do not blame him for any depravity in his religious practices or morality, but i fear that i may be guilty of transgression of the injunctions of Islam."

The Prophet asked her if she would return the orchard given by Thaabit as her dower. She replied "Yes! and if he demands more, then i am ready to give more than that."

The Messenger of Allah said: "No, not more than what he had given to you." He then asked Thabit to take back the orchard and to release her from the marriage-tie by divorcing her which she did."

[al-Baihaqi, Sunan al-Kubra & as-Suyuti also reported it]

Remember divorce is allowed, but it is the thing that Allah dislikes the most of the things that he has allowed.

wassalam,
May Allah make things between you and your husband good and may He guide you both.

Saleema
NS


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