Questions to ask future husband?

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Questions to ask future husband?
Anonymous
12/03/00 at 01:48:25
slm

                to those sisters who are married(and those who arent)
                i'd like to know what kinda questions you asked/would ask your husband
                to be, to basically sus him out?

                jazakallah
Re: Questions to ask future husband?
salma
12/03/00 at 05:32:22
assalaamlaikum,
here's a link to what you should ask your future spouse

http://www.jannah.org/sisters/queshusbands.html
when i got engaged i asked all those questions to my fiance and alhamdulillah i was very happy and satisfied with his answers and now i am married to him:-)(alhamdulillah)
hope the questions help you decide
wassalaam
Re: Questions to ask future husband?
Kathy
12/04/00 at 08:55:30
slm
Allah knows Best. This is a true story, I actually know this wife and husband.
When they were discussing marriage all the ususal questions were asked by the wali and perspective groom.
It wasn't until after their marriage that she found out that her husband did not tell the whole truth. For example:
Age- it wasn't until they filled out their marriage license that she found out that he was much much younger than her.
College- He said he went to the university for 4 years for engineering- when he got his working papers she found out that he did not have a degree.
Parents- He said they knew about their marriage- but 4 months later, she found out that they still didi not know.
The wali saw that the brother had a car and apartment- what no one knew was that he was apartment sitting and using the car as payment- In other words he was homeless and carless.
The Wali asked if the brother could afford to provide shelter, clothing and food. He said yes- apparently he thought he could do all of this on $100 a week.
The funniest part was- when they were discussing setting up an apartment, he said he had what they needed.
It was a blanket and a TV!
So the lesson this wife would say- get a Wali who isn't afraid to ask to see paperwork and documentation!
Re: Questions to ask future husband?
mahsou411
12/04/00 at 21:38:07
slm

I asked my husband to be:
-What he thinks he needs to improve on most either islamically or in his personality.
-What "issues" does he have that may cause stress in the marriage or that you need to know to  understand him? e.g. if he is in a bad mood he needs to be left alone for a whie, he is a very private person, he is grouchy when he wakes up or is tired etc...
-What are his strengths and weaknesses.
-Why do you think  you are ready for marriage?
-How do you think a muslim man shoud treat his wife? Do you know any hadith on the treament of the wife (I was getting at the affection and general kindness a man should have as well as listening to her and not doing anything to hurt her feelings.)
-Ask him to read "Muslim Marriage Guide" by Ruqayyah Waris Maqsoud or another good book like that and respond to the parts that you found important like kindness, generosity, fairness, cleanliness etc.
-What is your understanding of propper Islamic attire for a woman? Will you aske her to wear jilbab all the time? What about niqab?
-When would you like to have children?
-Will you allow her to visit with family and friends?
-Do you like children? Are you affectionate with them.
-Are you a morning or night person?
-What kind of food do you eat/like?
-Are you willing to help out around the house like the Prophet saws did?
-Can you take constructive criticism? Are you willling to work on things about yourself even if it is hard or embarrassing?

I suggest using these questions as a guide to get him talking about things of importance to you so you do not just get yes or no type answers but explanantions that give you deeper understanding of where he is coming from. Try and talk to his family and friends if possible (or have your wali do that) so you can know how his demeanor is. Ask about things he likes to do in his leisure time and if they are similar to yours.

Ok I'll stop now cause I could go on forever!

:) Salaam!
Re: Questions to ask future husband?
nalasra
12/05/00 at 03:04:17
assalaam-o-'alaikum

To all of the above (except kathy):

sounds like a page out of some feminist manifesto to me. Just an opinion.
Re: Questions to ask future husband?
jannah
12/05/00 at 10:50:22
I wonder why it's "feminist" to find out about the person you're going to marry.
Re: Questions to ask future husband?
h_m_r00
12/05/00 at 10:53:08
Salaam
I honestly did not know that you were supposed to ask all these questions...Now I am making my own list;). I noticed that most of the questions were about his deen and islam, which makes sense, but what about other aspects of life?
nalasra: why do you say that????
                                   Hiyam
Re: Questions to ask future husband?
Malika
12/05/00 at 11:02:10
slm

I think he should be asked about his patience in many areas.  

How he handles alot of different things matter a great deal
Re: Questions to ask future husband?
princess
12/05/00 at 11:34:43
WALIKUMAS'SALAAM WARAHMATULLAHI WABARAKATUHU :)

something i would ask my to be, inshAllah, would definately have to be, "who put u up to this?" haha..:)

but seriously folks..i think my questions would be based around my weaknesses..i'd wanna know, if what i find fault in myself, would be his strenght..that way, i would have someone to guide me :)

i think that'd be 1 of the most important things..because from that, i could tell many things..as i have special powers, alhamdulillah :) have a smooth day :) ma'salaam :)
Re: Questions to ask future husband?
Anonymous
12/05/00 at 12:22:05
slm,

                To Nalasra (only)

                Care to elaborate on your "opinion", what's so feminist about wanting a
                pious brother ???

                Here's some suggestions for u:

                Book 008, Number 3465:
                'Abdullah b. Amr reported Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) as
                saying: The whole world is a provision, and the best object of benefit
                of the world is the pious woman.

                Book 008, Number 3457:
                Abu Huraira (Allah be pleased with him) reported Allah's Messenger (may
                peace be upon him) as saying: A woman may be married for four reasons:
                for her property, her status. her beauty and her religion, so try to
                get one who is religious, may your hand be besmeared with dust.

                Just a Hadith
Re: Questions to ask future husband?
nalasra
12/05/00 at 21:06:11
assalaam-o-'alaikum

Oh boy, I stumbled onto the hornets' nest.

To anonymous: i know about those ahaadith, please read my reply.

to the rest:

I can't believe that these questions are to be asked or researched by not so perfect beings, not to say imperfect muslims. Most of these may be double edged swords if you know what i mean.

Take for example "destined's" list.

>>12. Do you engage in voluntary fasting?
>>14. Do you remember to say your duas at certain times,
>>    like before eating, after eating, at time of sleep,
>>    when traveling, etc.?
>>15. Do you refrain from backbiting and slander?
>>16. Do you refrain from idle talk?

[suggestive of an encounter with munkar nakeer.]

Take the admin's (mama's?) list.

>>(7) What is his medical background?

>>(Many Imams in the US are now refusing to conduct Nikah
>>until they see proof that the couple have undergone
>>blood tests and been given a clean bill of health)

>>Has he ever had an AIDS test, and what was the result?

>>Is there any history of major illness in his family?
[this is one hot potato]

what next, skull measurements? history of retardation in family? instances of hereditary diseases? genetic propensity to carcinomas? They call it discrimination and profiling out there in the west.

Take sister ambush's list.

>>-What he thinks he needs to improve on most either
>> islamically or in his personality.

>>-What "issues" does he have that may cause stress in
>> the marriage or that you need to know to  understand
>> him? e.g. if he is in a bad mood he needs to be left
>> alone for a whie, he is a very private person, he is
>> grouchy when he wakes up or is tired etc...
[shrink talk?]

>>-What are his strengths and weaknesses.
[Something your professor knows better, yanked from some letter of recommendation perhaps]

>>-Why do you think  you are ready for marriage?
[This is the ultimate question, i hope nobody asks me this one]

>>-Ask him to read "Muslim Marriage Guide" by Ruqayyah
>> Waris Maqsoud or another good book like that and
>> respond to the parts that you found important like
>> kindness, generosity, fairness, cleanliness etc.

>>-When would you like to have children?
[this and others concerning children are irrelevant in light of other questions]

>>-Are you willing to help out around the house like
>> the Prophet saws did?
[for example?]

>>-Can you take constructive criticism? Are you willling
>> to work on things about yourself even if it is hard
>> or embarrassing?
[see the letter of recommendation comment]

>>Ok I'll stop now cause I could go on forever!

[I feel 'ambushed', to put it lightly.]

Come on sisters, don't make it too hard for yourselves and for muslim men. Let us be practical. 95% of the muslims do not even pray, except for jumuah maybe, and the rest are teetering on the brink. Don't shove them over to the other side. Men need wives for you know what and if you (muslim women) keep on refusing proposals for trivial reasons, they will fulfill their "carnal" needs elsewhere. Its natural, many of them can't help it. And they will not be the only ones held accountable for their behavio(u)r. From where I come, many women in religious families age past their prime and for what, the same trivial reasons (many of them at least) you are trying to list. It is the opinion of our "traditional (read anachronistic)" 'aalims that as far as the religion is concerned, make sure the prospective man prays five times with jamaat. Thats the criterion. Non serious muslims don't go to fajr prayers believe me. Of course his abitily to afford a family and his overall akhlaaq also count but lets don't split hairs. In the end I must accede that many of the questions are relevant islamically and should be put to the prospective groom.

PS: I failed miserably on this 'test'. I think I need prefessional help. Coaching, anyone?
Re: Questions to ask future husband?
mahsou411
12/05/00 at 21:45:40
slm

In my humble opinion, AIDS is not trivial. Since we acknowledge that 95% of muslims are not perfect then we should be aware that a deadly desease is out there and killing so many people INCLUDING MUSLIMS!!!!
And asking for a  kind brother is important, not feminism. Just cause he prays doesn't mean he is good husband material, what if he has a violent temper? Well,I guess us WOMEN should grin and bear it becuase we don't want these poor uncontrollable brothers to get it elsewhere.

I think some of us need a reality check. I don't think a brother would just want to marry the first sister with hijab that walked in the door.  I think it is reasonable to be PREPARED when you go into a marriage to help reduce some of the problems that could arise out of ignorance of the facts later on. Like if he is particular about some things (which ALL of us are, we are human) I would like to know that before I make a huge mistake in the marriage that could turn into a problem. I could give examples and bring up more issues I had with that post, but frankly, trying to control my sarcasim and sharp tounge (or fingers) was draining. It's Ramadan so I wanna be good;)

slm
And I don't appreciate that remark about "men need wives for you know what." Allah created us for more than just physical pleasure for men. We are not decorations to look at (that's why we cover) but in addition we are not just bodies for muslim men to...well, this is an islamic board so I will cut that thought short. But anyway,I felt HIGHLY offended as a muslim woman created by Allah, with a brain and a heart by that comment. It insinuates that the main reason we should be marrying is for the men, not for our own benefit and our own deen. Unbelievable.

And please do not make mocks or puns with my last name. It is insulting to me. Thanks in advance for your consideration

Aminah

Oh yeah, if you don't know why you wanna get married, then maybe you shouldn't.
Re: Questions to ask future husband?
se7en
12/05/00 at 22:45:55
as salaamu alaykum wa rahmatAllahi wa barakatuh;

"And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your hearts; verily in that are signs for those who reflect."

Before marriage it is permissable if not recommended for both men and women to ask questions of their potential spouse.  Considering haya' and the distance between men and women in the Islamic tradition, asking questions would be necessary to attain a full understanding of the character, personality, strengths, weaknesses, etc of this potential spouse.  It is not wrong to do this type of questioning - in fact, discussing a potential spouse with his/her friends and family is the only time gheebah is allowed.  This should indicate to us the fact that people need to be open and honest - completely, brutally honest - when it comes to something as serious as marriage.  And if you look at real life experiences, like the one sister Kathy mentioned, we see what could happen if these avenues we have been granted are not taken.

There is a distinct difference between asking someone questions and having a list of requirements.  For example there is a difference between saying "my husband must have a beard" and asking, "do you have a beard?"  Sister Destined's list in particular, at least to me, seems not like a list of requirements, but a means of assessing where a person is in his Islam.  These same questions may be asked of a woman as well.  

And I have to say I see nothing wrong with asking for medical information either.  You have to understand that this person is a *stranger* to you, and you have no idea what may be in this person's past or in this person's heart.  Because they look beautiful and pure on the outside means nothing.  It is foolish to assume that we do not need to take these precautions.  And considering the rights we have on one another in marriage, finding out about a person's medical condition is not unnecessary information.

Why is it that we feel uncomfortable answering such personal questions?  Especially to someone who has the potential to be your companion for life, the one person who will most likely know your weaknesses and faults better than any other?  We need to get over this shame we have of who and what we are when we are asked these questions, because if our true self is exposed to any one person, I think it would be our spouse.

As for the purpose of marriage - indeed, this does include a physical relationship between a husband and wife.  Allah has instilled a natural desire in men and women - and marriage allows us to fulfill this desire in a way that is pure.  Sex is not a weakness or vice or something dirty or exceptional.  It is something pure and is actually a God given right to pleasure as long as it is within the proper relationship, that of marriage.  And we know from history and from the nature of people that if this need is not fulfilled within the institution of marriage, people will fulfill it illicitly.

But I would like to point this out: a woman has this beautiful concept called - the right to consent.  This means that she is in no way forced to marry anyone she does not want to.  Yes, we should definitely keep in mind the hadeeth that mentions that ruin will come to a people if they turn a good believing man away for trivial reasons, but we should also keep in mind that a woman has the right to marry someone that she is comfortable with.   Do not put the burden of a man's sin on the shoulders of a sister who has standards.  She has a right to those standards and she has a right to say no to any man that does not fulfill them.  

What we seem to forget sometimes is this:  a woman's role in life is not this fulifillment of a man's desire, nor is it to reproduce.  This is not the purpose of a woman's life.  Her purpose is the same as a man's, and that is to know Allah and to obey Him, azza wajal.  Marriage should be a means to *that* end, to attaining ubudiyyah of Allah.  That is the primary function of marriage.

I think it's absolutely crazy to think that we do not need to ask these questions of one another.  Just because two people are Muslim does not automatically mean they will be happy together in marriage.  Human nature is not like that.  People have weaknesses and strengths, habits and inclinations.  You have your own perspective, based on your level of knowledge and the experiences you've encountered in your life.  It is foolish to think that two people will automatically accustom to each another without even knowing if they are compatible for one another.

I think that's all I have to say :)

And Allah knows best.


wasalaam.
Re: Questions to ask future husband?
nalasra
12/06/00 at 02:55:16
assalaam-o-'alaikum

to sister aminah:
My sincerest apologies. Indeed some of my comments were in bad taste. It was not my intention to hurt anybody. The regret I felt cannot be expressed through this expressionless and emotionless medium.

to sister nazia:
well put sister.

to destined:
>>Maybe we were a little too hard on nalasra
>>But u should know better to make a comment like
>>that, especially in the akhwat folder for sisters!!!
sister, i knew what i was asking for. thats one of the tried and true methods to get maximum info in least amount of time. Now you know.

to all of you:
Yes Aids is a very real issue. Did I say it was not?
What I stated, although rather tactlessly, were cold, hard, candid facts. People can put gloss over it, but the reality is bitter indeed. It is easy to be idealistic at the age most of you are and the closed/protected environment you get, but with time, inshallah, you'll understand what I mean.

Re: Questions to ask future husband?
jannah
12/07/00 at 00:49:46
[quote]I can't believe that these questions are to be asked or researched by not so perfect beings, not to say imperfect muslims. Most of these may be double edged swords if you know what i mean.
[/quote]
salam,
i do not believe anyone is saying *they* are perfect and others are not. this is just a way of finding out things about the person you are about *to spend the rest of your life with.* you don't want to make a mistake.

[quote]
what next, skull measurements? history of retardation in family? instances of hereditary diseases? genetic propensity to carcinomas? They call it discrimination and profiling out there in the west.
[/quote]

i'd call it finding out about a person. maybe those things are important to someone, while others may not be.

[quote]

Come on sisters, don't make it too hard for yourselves and for muslim men. Let us be practical. 95% of the muslims do not even pray, except for jumuah maybe, and the rest are teetering on the brink. Don't shove them over to the other side.
[/quote]

why should a sister marry someone who doesn't pray  while she is a good muslim. she deserves someone who is a good muslims as well. while *you* may think that 95% of muslims don't pray there are some good muslim brothers out there who do.

[quote]
Men need wives for you know what and if you (muslim women) keep on refusing proposals for trivial reasons, they will fulfill their "carnal" needs elsewhere. Its natural, many of them can't help it.
[/quote]

That's their problem. They can get married, or fast. Or commit Zinna.

[quote]
And they will not be the only ones held accountable for their behavio(u)r.
[/quote]

I hope you are not insinuating that good muslim sisters will be held responsible for someone else's sin. As I'm sure you know the Quran and Sunnah *clearly* and repeatedly tell us everyone is responsible for their own sin and no one is to bear the burden of another's (sins).

[quote]
From where I come, many women in religious families age past their prime and for what, the same trivial reasons (many of them at least) you are trying to list.[/quote]

I wonder where you come from. And if that is true for every single sister as you seem to think it does, that is too bad. While you had a good point in the beginning about sisters not being too picky, which goes for brothers as well.. I do not think there is any validity to blame those questions or the sisters who are seriously interested in finding someone who is good in deen or compatible.


[quote]
 In the end I must accede that many of the questions are relevant islamically and should be put to the prospective groom.
[/quote]
alhamdulillah

there's no right or wrong answers bro. it's a matter of finding who's compatible to you. and if you think a good practicing muslim sister is compatible to someone who doesn't pray and only wants to get married for one reason, then it's no wonder the divorce rate of muslims is some crazy amount.

Re: Questions to ask future husband?
mahsou411
12/06/00 at 19:58:59
slm

jazak'Allah Khair nalasra for your apology. And I too apologize if I was a little harsh or flip in my reply. For some reason I was really emotional when I answered that. (must be lack of sleep due to FINALS!!!)

But anyway, I said the AIDS thing becuase many muslims have a problem with asking about medical history as you mentioned, but they specifically think it is wrong or indecent to ask about std's or ask for a blood test. I just think in this day and age we need to. Our community just buried a sister in August who was a victim of AIDS. May Allah protect us from that.

slm
Re: Questions to ask future husband?
bhaloo
12/06/00 at 20:49:40
slm

[quote]
then it's no wonder the divorce rate of muslims is more than 60%.
[/quote]

Woah, are you serious about that number?  ???  That's really high, someone ws asking me about the rate and I had no idea, is this accurate?

I think Nalsra is right that 95% of the brothers don't pray 5 times a day, its very sad, I know so many people like that.  

You know Nalsra when I saw your first few posts I said oh oh, he's posting in the Akhwat cafe and he called them feminists, he's going to get hurt, but I guess its Ramadan and they spared you and showed you a little mercy. ;)  

Let me translate what the brother was trying to say for those of you that don't understand men, basically he said don't have such high expectations .   That's all the brother was saying.

Don't beat him up too much.  ;)
Re: Questions to ask future husband?
jannah
12/07/00 at 00:51:28
salam bhaloo,
I do know it was definitely an alarming number. Dr. Ilyas Ba-Yunus did some research on divorce among Muslims in N. America and it's causes and had some thoughts on it. Anyone have that back issue of Islamic Horizons? I think it was spring sometime last year.
Re: Questions to ask future husband?
Asim
12/06/00 at 23:31:08
slm

Here is an extract from an article on zawaj.com:

Sad but shocking reality: the divorce rate amongst Muslims in North America is one of the highest in the world.

According to New York-based Muslim sociologist Ilyas Ba-Yunus, Muslims in Canada and the U.S. have a divorce rate of 33 percent.

The world’s highest is the general U.S. population’s of 48.6 percent, followed by the United Kingdom’s of 36 percent.

http://www.zawaj.com/articles/help_married.html

60 percent is clearly wrong. I was shocked by the 33 percent also. This means that 1 out of every 3 marriages end in divorce. That is scary!

I dunno, but I guess this number basically reflect that a growing number of "Muslim" marriages are done on the western model of marriage (date --> marriage, etc.). Because if the spouses are committed to please Allah then Allah promises to instill love, peace, and tranquility between them.

Wasalaam.

Re: Questions to ask future husband?
jannah
12/07/00 at 00:49:00
jazakallah khair. i'll change my post!
Re: Questions to ask future husband?
nalasra
12/07/00 at 02:44:08
To Jannah:

>>> At last, the chief herself gives me a piece of her mind. <<<

salam
[wa'laikum assalaam. I guess i don't even deserve a full salaam]

i do not believe anyone is saying *they* are perfect and others are not. this is just a way of finding out things about the person you are about *to spend the rest of your life with.* you don't want to make a mistake.
[I believe paranoia can replace the above sentence without changing the meaning of it.
Lets get the wretch through the lie-detector!! Lynch him if he fails!]

i'd call it finding out about a person. maybe those things are important to someone, while others may not be.
[So discrimination (as known to the world) is ok with you.]

why should a sister marry someone who doesn't pray  while she is a good muslim. she deserves someone who is a good muslims as well. while *you* may think that 95% of muslims don't pray there are some good muslim brothers out there who do.
[While your optimism is a healthy sign but unfortunately it is misplaced. Well, I can't blame you, almost all of us Muslims have ostrich mentality.]

That's their problem. They can get married, or fast. Or commit Zinna.
[That is an arrogant statement. I am now seriously rethinking my decision to post, lest you make another dangerous statement like this and make me responsible in the eyes of Allah. Each and every muslim will be held accountable for a sin by another muslim which they he could have prevented. You know why I apologised to sister aminah? Not because I made some harsh comments. Only because I do not want people to say something that is not liked in the court of Allah while responding to me. We are already hanging by a thread to the deen and I do not want a single muslim to go an inch away because of an act of omission or commision by me. And Allah knows I make serious mistakes

Or do you have some other logic for that?]

compatible
[Are we talking printers here? I absolutely, completely detest this word. Try adapt.]

I wonder where you come from.
[Lets try a C program
get_a_globe();
do {
  close_your_eyes();
  put_a_finger_anywhere_on_the_globe();
  open_your_eyes();
}while(!country_with_muslim_population());
you_have_found_the_country();

Assignment: find bugs
]

And if that is true for every single sister as you seem to think it does, that is too bad.
[Yeah, too bad. Tsk tsk. Heck, lets do something to take our minds off it.]

While you had a good point in the beginning about sisters not being too picky.
[Ahem.]

then it's no wonder the divorce rate of muslims is some crazy amount
[Whoa. I hope you didn't mistake some tech stock with divorce rates. Or are Americans the only 'moslems' around here.
I see some stats down there but has somebody broken them down into categories? Unless it is done, nothing can be deduced from the sample.
Wait a minute. Muslims are the most active (read politically correct) in USofA and the divorce rate is the highest there. Hmm.]

PS: I do not edit out my posts as a matter of principle.

To the very nice brother:

he's going to get hurt
[Not going to happen, inshallah.]
NS
Re: Questions to ask future husband?
Malika
12/07/00 at 12:38:26
slm

This post had become so interesting!!

While we are jumping on the brother we can ask ourselves  would it get me a little heated under the collar if I was asked all these questions ???

Somewhere in the back of your mind you would go (I don't believe this brother is asking me all these questions!  I don't think you will volunteer that you rinse out your panties and dry them over the shower :)  If he were to ask that you would turn beet red and say...) I know that is a sick example but there are sisters like that!

I agree that basically all of these questions are good ones and it will weed out the men who are not serious about this deen.  No one wants a weak man nor an arrogant one either. same could be said of the sisters.  There is a saying "He who is without sin cast the first stone" (I don't hear too many stones!)  

Question: if you ask him questions about the deen and he doesn't know or is lacking in some areas but you know it do  you dismiss him because of it.  Allah (swt) has made some of us to excel others in different areas. You should be bringing something to the marriage also.  There will be areas you are weak and he can help you and vice versa.

Kathy did post a story that was very scary but it is true.  You can ask him a million questions and get raving reviews in front of an audience.  but when you marry there is almost a guarantee that something is going to be different.  

You can meet a brother or sister who looks real good talks real nice  and looks like theone of the pillars of the community and boy when they are alone!!!  You learn some very interesting things!  not all pleasant.  This I know to be fact!

If I can't marry the brother who will teach me all there is to know I will definitely consider the brother who wants to go to Jannah and is learning and seeking constant knowledge.


Re: Questions to ask future husband?
h_m_r00
12/07/00 at 13:30:57
Salaam
I knew that muslims do not divorce that much..thanks Asim..Honestly I was getting scared
Nalasra...I hope you are not taking it too harsh:)
                                   Hiyam
Re: Questions to ask future husband?
se7en
12/07/00 at 13:45:51
as salaamu alaykum wa rahmatAllahi wa barakatuh,
[quote]
To Jannah: [/quote]
I'm going to respond to this despite it being specifically addressed to sr. Jannah.  
[quote]>>> At last, the chief herself gives me a piece of her mind. <<< [/quote]
Is that what you were seeking?
[quote]salam
[wa'laikum assalaam. I guess i don't even deserve a full salaam] [/quote]
Sr. jannah and others often do this in their posts, it's not a determinant of whether you are worthy of it or not.
[quote]
i do not believe anyone is saying *they* are perfect and others are not. this is just a way of finding out things about the person you are about *to spend the rest of your life with.* you don't want to make a mistake.
[I believe paranoia can replace the above sentence without changing the meaning of it.
Lets get the wretch through the lie-detector!! Lynch him if he fails!] [/quote]
Have you read posts other than your own?  Sr. Kathy mentioned a specific incident of what could happen if people don't ask these types of questions.  The hadeeth says, tie your camel *then* trust in Allah.  You have to do your part to protect yourself from harm.  Inquiring about a potential spouse is something that's allowed in Islam.   Do you think perhaps there is some type of wisdom in that?  Have you even thought about it?
[quote]
i'd call it finding out about a person. maybe those things are important to someone, while others may not be.
[So discrimination (as known to the world) is ok with you.] [/quote]
You discriminate everyday of your life.  You discriminate when you go shopping, between good fruit and bad fruit.  You discriminate when you buy clothing, you buy what appeals to you.  You discriminate when you make friends.  You have friends that you click with, whose personalities you like. This is wrong in your eyes?
[quote]why should a sister marry someone who doesn't pray  while she is a good muslim. she deserves someone who is a good muslims as well. while *you* may think that 95% of muslims don't pray there are some good muslim brothers out there who do.
[While your optimism is a healthy sign but unfortunately it is misplaced. Well, I can't blame you, almost all of us Muslims have ostrich mentality.] [/quote]
Contrary to what you may think or have experienced, there are indeed some good brothers  and sisters our there.  Very very very few, but they do exist.  As for optimism, I don't think an attitude of "we all suck, there are no good muslims anywhere, just marry an idiot" is very healthy either.  
[quote]
That's their problem. They can get married, or fast. Or commit Zinna.
[That is an arrogant statement. I am now seriously rethinking my decision to post, lest you make another dangerous statement like this and make me responsible in the eyes of Allah. Each and every muslim will be held accountable for a sin by another muslim which they he could have prevented. [/quote]
The operative statement is "could have prevented".  Let me ask you a question.  You know someone who is Muslim and homosexual.  What are his rights upon you?  You are to correct him, to advise him, to show him what he's doing is wrong.  But do you make this person a close personal friend of yours at risk to your own iman?  Do you put him above yourself, putting your own relationship with Allah in jeapordy?  This is basically what you are saying all sisters should do.  Doesn't matter if the brother is defective in his iman or actions, you better marry him or else when he commits haraam actions it's going to be on your shoulders.  You are basically saying a woman will be held accountable for the sins of a man she rejected.  This statement carries so much weight, has so many implications.
[quote]
I wonder where you come from.
[Lets try a C program
get_a_globe();
do {
 close_your_eyes();
 put_a_finger_anywhere_on_the_globe();
 open_your_eyes();
}while(!country_with_muslim_population());
you_have_found_the_country();

Assignment: find bugs
] [/quote]
That was mean.  Brother the purpose of your post was to emphasize the rights we have over one another in brotherhood.   Don't ruin that by mocking people.
[quote]
then it's no wonder the divorce rate of muslims is some crazy amount
[Whoa. I hope you didn't mistake some tech stock with divorce rates. [/quote]
Again, a statement that's just downright mean.  If you were speaking to this sister in real life would you ever say something like that?
[quote] Or are Americans the only 'moslems' around here. [/quote]
I would say the majority of Muslims on the board are from the U.S., Canada, or Britain.  Therefore most of our posts would be in that context.
[quote] I see some stats down there but has somebody broken them down into categories? Unless it is done, nothing can be deduced from the sample. Wait a minute. Muslims are the most active (read politically correct) in USofA and the divorce rate is the highest there. Hmm.] [/quote]
What does this mean?  What are you concluding?  I can read this several different ways.  Should we *not* be active?  Are you saying that we aren't really active and are just claiming to be so?  
[quote]
PS: I do not edit out my posts as a matter of principle. [/quote]
I don't think that's a very good principle.  We all make mistakes, say things we shouldn't.  The difference between writing what we say textually and actually speaking things is that we do have the opportunity to actually go back and fix things.  

Let me also say this:  This is a message board that is meant for us to be able discuss things and share ideas in an Islamic manner.  It is not a place for petty arguments or for insulting or demeaning one another.  If there are going to be disagreements, try to keep 'em clean.  No personal insults or mocking.

that's all I have to say for now

and Allah knows best

wasalaamu alaykum.

Re: Questions to ask future husband?
Al-Basha
12/07/00 at 14:31:18
Salamu Aliakom,

Well this seems like a heated discussion so I thought I'd add my 2 cents in. 1st i think that (and this goes for myself 1st and foremost) that there should be a level of adab whilst conversing on this webboard. We're Muslim adults and insha Allah we can have a constructive discussion.

While I was reading the posts, an Egyptian proverb came to mind. That marriage is like a watermelon (bateekh), you really don't know what you are going to be getting until you open it.

Background checks yes are good, but of course it's up to you to figure out where you draw the line. I agree with Jannah that, it's really up to the person as to how many and what kind of questions they should ask. You know every person is going to have different concerns so there's no guide to asking these kinds of questions. I think the original person who asked this wanted a general type of an answer, not an all out fight.

Wa Allahu A3laam
Re: Questions to ask future husband?
h_m_r00
12/07/00 at 14:37:00
Salaam
se7en...I love your post...
Arsalan..ooops nalasra..sorry...You have to change your principle and start editing your posts I guess..;)
                                   Hiyam
Re: Questions to ask future husband?
Saleema
12/07/00 at 16:05:43
You know why I apologised to sister aminah? Not because I made some harsh comments.

Assalam ualykum,

Your posts drip with arrogance. You need to apologize to the ppl that you mocked and insulted. Don't be like a signpost that points to the direction but never goes there himself.

wassalam
Re: Questions to ask future husband?
Malika
12/07/00 at 16:48:32
slm

cute Saleema cute!!

I like that!  :)
Re: Questions to ask future husband?
nalasra
12/07/00 at 18:55:10
Assalaam-o-alaikum

OK. In retrospect, I did make some nasty comments. I totally agree with Se7en that this not a place for such comments. In a fit of outrage, sense of revolt, and disapproval I forgot the golden rules of silence and non-argument and ended up saying things that did more harm than good (if they did any good at all). I am afraid that I cannot adapt to the rules of this forum nor can I adopt them and am going to remove myself from it. So ends the short life of nalasra. Before leaving, I would like to apologize name by name.

Sister Aminah: I failed to realize that you are a convert and how incapable I am of criticizing someone who has made such a great sacrifice.

Sister Jannah: For being boorish and at times downright rude.

Sisters XYZ: For posting on a women’s forum without the proper etiquette.

May Allah forgive my sins and show me the right path.

PS: please don’t post any replies to this post as I am not going to read them anyway. Even if I do want to read, I have a release deadline to meet and Ramadaan is certainly a tough period to find time. And one last thing to the moderator. Please don’t edit this thread for the sake of freedom of expression that you folks enjoy.

Re: futue
Safiya
12/09/00 at 04:32:13
[color=Blue]Wasalaam Alaykum nalasra!
cant say i have enjoyed reading your posts but salaam,

nazia: i think sneaky questions are good, thats the way to chatch people out, and thats exactly what u wanna do,

come on lets have some sneaky questions    
[/color]
Re: Questions to ask future husband?
se7en
12/09/00 at 23:42:19
"uhh brother, do you know what time fajr is tomorrow? " :) <-- my weekend school islam teacher taught me that one :)  He said he wouldn't know that unless he prays fajr :)
Re: Questions to ask future husband?
kiwi25
12/09/00 at 15:25:16
salam,

hehe thats a good one, nouha:)
NS
Re: Questions to ask future husband?
Moe
12/09/00 at 23:50:21
hehe se7en that was a good one!
Questions to ask future husband?
Anonymous
12/10/00 at 01:59:29
assalamu alaikum,
                Forgive me, but most questions just seem like some sort of
                interrogation session. Its like calling the prospective husband for an interview,
                him sitting there, with you and a few others with a clipboard containing
                a list of questions. Obviously he'll lie and say "Yes" or "No" to the
                questions just to make himself look good.  If you asked him 'do you
                backbite?', does one honestly think he'll say yes? Heck, we all lie at
                interviews!! hehehe

                I think what everyone here meant to say was these questions will be
                asked slowly, or discovered by his actions over a period of time as you
                and family get to know the person.

Re: Questions to ask future husband?
mahsou411
12/11/00 at 00:06:46
slm

I would never ask a question that I was not willing to answer myself.  I expect the brother tocome with questions to ask me as i did. In fact we asked and answered eachothers questions just to be fair. I was very honest about stuff. I think it is important to tell the other person where some of your shortcommings are becausa if you marry them they will find out anyway.  Better to know it ahead of time instead of being taken by surprise. But then there are some things that Allah has concealed so we shoud keep it that way. I was told not to reveal your sins of the past and stuff like that but I do think if there is an area that you ar struggling in or a specific area that you are focusing on improving ( I think we all should be doin that anyway because none of us are perfect) then it is ok to reveal that so your prosepctive can see where you are in your Iman.
Re: Questions to ask future husband?
lightningatnite
12/12/00 at 19:05:03
Salam :)

Oh boy, I'm in trouble...sister Safiya, I feel for the poor chap that stumbles into your door :) Actually, I hear all these questions and I wonder what I would say..I think the people with the purest hearts would give you the dumbest answers, and mr. suave would probably come out the winner in the end.  I know alot of these are jokes, but I can honestly tell you, you'll never know a mans heart by questioning him like this.

I know guys.  The best ones are the ones that hide their strengths, who don't go around boasting about themselves. The problem is, I see sisters falling for the sweet talkers all the time.  That is why the sister shouldn't be the first one to talk to the brother!  Thats what a wali is for, because I know that aunties are often suckers for guy talk too.

Se7en, that fajr question is pretty dope though...thats probably one question I'd keep :)

May Allah the Most Merciful grant us all spouses who will be the coolness of our eyes :)

:) Wassalam :)
Re: Questions to ask future husband?
mahsou411
12/12/00 at 22:21:27
salaam,

I like the idea of having my wakil "interrogate" the brother first:) Since men know men better than us women, this situation is the best.  See, this is why Allah is Allah and Islam is the way!  We are told that we have to have a wakil's approval for a marriage and there is no doubt why:-)

AMinah
Re: Questions to ask future husband?
UmmZaid
12/13/00 at 02:06:02
Salaam 'Alaikum all.

To the sister Anonymous who asked, and the other single sisters as well, here is my advice / experiences.  I just got married one year ago, so I think my creaky 20-something year old brain can recall some of this...

The list of questions that the one sis came up (sorry, don't remember names) came from a book written by a sister that was published by either Qur'an and Sunnah Society or al Hudaa newspaper, which is basically the same thing. There was *also* a similar book written and published by them for brothers.  The sister got a lot of flack for the book, I don't remember why, but there were more than 100 questions in it.  Some of the q's were really degrading to the women.  Like "Will you permit me to visit with friends?  Will you take me out on walks? When you beat me, will you leave bruises?" It was like... the sister is *not* a dog who needs to be taken on a walk by her man.  Some of the Q's were good and thought provoking, but remember that a lot of them were written from the perspective of immediately accepting polygyny as an inevitability, wife beating, and purdah, and that they were intended for that audience as well.

I would say you have to come up w/ your own questions tailored to your own needs and personality. I came up with more than 150 and asked 16 of them.  

I think we've read the story that Kath wrote and I second the message implied: sisters, you can not be too careful.  Some of the brothers are moaning and groaning at the thought of being 'interrogated,' but please look at it from the lady's point of view.  Muslim women, particularly converts, are often married by Muslim men for no reason other than the fact that they can help them get a green card.  I mean, it's bad enough when they do it to the non Muslim ladies... Muslim women need to be wary of a man who thinks that wife beating is fine and dandy.  Most men will never have to fear for this.  I  once sat with a brother for more than an hour talking to him, and through my 'interrogation,' I discovered that he never prayed, and that if I did anything to 'displease' him, then he threatened that he would kill me. And yes, he really said that and thought it was acceptable. He did really, really not understand why I got up and walked out of the room, and even had the Imam call my home and ask if I was still interested.  

Another brother told me, after a while of talking, like over a period of months, that after marriage, he would lock me in the apartment or home "like they do in  Saudi Arabia" (his words)  so that I wouldn't be out 'showing myself off' to the kafiroon.  He didn't have a solution for what I should do if I needed 911 for the children, or if a fire broke out and I needed to escape.  

I could go on too...

If you are too shy to come and ask these questions, or ask him to take a test for STDs, then have your wali do it, that is what he is there for. I know some walis who do background checks.  

Brothers, if you have nothing to hide in your diyn, in your life, or in your intentions in marrying this person, then sit down and answer the questions, and know that you have nothing to fear.  Think about it from her point of view, and be glad that you may marry someone who is so careful about such a huge, huge part of her life.
Re: Questions to ask future husband?
BrKhalid
12/13/00 at 05:52:18
Asalaamu Alaikum

Questions in respect of a brother's piety shouldn't be off limits but the manner in which they asked is the key in my opnion.

We all have our faults and having someone highlight our weaknesses can be far from pleasant (although probably quite necessary in this context)

Ask the questions with Hikmah and try to spare any embarassment. If you're lucky there won't be any embarassment because the Brother will be able to give satisfactory answers to your questions.

If not and the Brother doesn't meet the said quality threshold, at least you would have made him reflect on the questions you asked and in time he may change his character for the better.

Moreover, standard interviewing technique says you shouldn't asked closed questions which can be replied with a simple yes or no. You're objective is to find about the person and you'll do that a lot better if you get him to talk more.

Do you pray 5 times a day?

How important is prayer to you?

One final point: The Fajr and Maghrib questions are usually bankers in my experience :)
Re: Questions to ask future husband?
mahsou411
12/13/00 at 20:58:54
slm

UmmZaid-

What kind of brothers are you comming accross???  I thank Allah I have not had that exprience. May Allah protect us all from deviant abusive men...and women.

 I agree that the manner in which you ask questions is important. That's why I think it should be a conversation and not just a list of questions. And take your time. Do not feel pressured into making a decision because friends and family are excited about the possiblility of you getting married. It can be very exciting for them but YOU are the one who will be married to the brother.

  We are not living in the time of the Prophet saws when the iman was purer and the best of examples was right there with them. ALso, we have to look at the bidah, deviations and cultural changes that have crept up into the muslims. The societies we live in are so much more currupt.

  In addition there are so many more choices. Back in the day you were either a merchant, shepard, leader or something. Now there is university and sooo many more career and travel choices. Don't think this will not affect your marriage and even your deen. There are sooo many things that have an impact on all of us that we need to take allot into consideration. Not just for the mate we choose but when evaluating ourselves and our iman.
 
 This is why I think we need to be more careful when selectin mates. We cannot simply meet someone and decide in a day or week like they did in the Prophet's saws time. I hope this makes sense. I know we should try and live our lives like the sahabah but some things need to be taken into consideration because of the time we live in.

Allah Knows Best

-Aminah


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