Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| considering marriage |
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| Rahmah |
| 09/29/00 at 16:41:52 |
| Assalam Alaikum, sisters. I have this little problem. I'm 18 years old and I'm pretty sure I want to get married. The problem is my parents, esp. my mom, don't feel I should get married until I finish college. I will be a full time student starting in January. I think four years is a very long time to wait to have a man in my life. I don't think that I have to miss out on any of the college experiance just because I'm married. I'm not going there to sleep around, party or anything like that. I'm going there to learn, to further myself as a person, and hopefully make a few new friends while I'm there. How is having a husband going to get in the way of that? I realize she's worried about me being taken advatage of like my older sister. But I'm a very different person. My sister didn't start college until almost two years after her divorce. I'm starting before I even get married and I'm not going to quit after I am married. My mother and sister feel that a woman has to give up everything to be married and that's why they don't think I should get married until I've finished school. The only thing that I'm worried about is getting pregnant. I don't want to have kids until I've finished my undergraduate studies. I can go to grad school at night. Which brings me to my second question, can I take birth control pills to delay getting pregnant? I mean, if you can take them to space your kids, why wouldn't you be able to use birth control to delay having kids? Thanks for your help in advance because as you can tell I can't ask my mother or sister about this. |
| Re: considering marriage |
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| lightningatnite |
| 10/01/00 at 04:04:50 |
| Salam :) I'm really sorry I know you want a sisters input, and I'm a brother, but let me give you a typical guyo response: The delay of marriage is an artificial construct of modern society. If you look at oral cultures, the average age of marriage is near puberty. As we approach more and more modern cultures, the age of marriage increases rapidly. But the thing is we have to realize that unmarried people in modern society still have physical/emotional relationships before being married, which we of course cannot have. So I would agree that one should not wait for marriage, because we need this physical/emotional relationship. As shaikh Muhammad Yakubi put it, "if you have a room to sleep in and at least one meal a day, you have what you need for marriage." Oversimplified? Tell that to all the girls who've runaway, whose hearts have been broken, who are madly in love with guys they'll never have. You'll meet them in college, I guarantee it. I think if you go through this age with your husband, you'll grow together, and be part of each other. If you get married when your 22, you and your husband will have already lived essential stages in your lives apart from each other, which may be a hard gap to bridge. BUT..I'm biased, I'm a brother... :) |
| Re: considering marriage |
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| lightningatnite |
| 10/01/00 at 03:01:09 |
| [quote]Assalam Alaikum, sisters. -Rahmah [/quote] Oh, darn, I just saw the "sisters" part of that...sorry :( |
| Re: considering marriage |
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| widad |
| 10/01/00 at 13:25:21 |
| slm Yes ,this is the problem of the century,in the old times girls were considered "old-maids" if they weren't married by the age 25.But now,well,she has to finish her studies,as if studying will admit her to Jannah.The problem is the people have the wrong things in prespective,the girl must have an education and the man has to be real rich to get married. What happened to the hadeeth:"If a man whom you agree to his behaviour and religion comes asking for marriage,do so or the chaos will spread?" and what happened to the other hadeeth:A woman is married for four: -her beauty -her origin(family status) -her money -her religion Win the one with religion and you will be the one who gains." *Let me tell you what happened to the Saudi community(the bad side) because of delaying marriage until the girls finish college(some even want to get a Phd.before marriage). The girls have gotten their degrees,but no one wants them because they are too old and set in their ways(no man wants a hardheaded wife). The boys can't get married because they are not rich enough to get a house and car and maybe a servant. So what happens next???they do what they see on TV,they try to get themselves husbands(the wrong way of course) and all the society will go in shambles,hasn't the prophet sala ALhu alyhi wasllam said so before???? *So please to all mothers and fathers if the kids want to get married,go on and marry them off,especiallly when all the haram things are available,the only way to secure your kids' chastity is to go by islam. **The other picture (the positive one)of the society in Saudi Arabia: A lot of girls do get married andf the parents tell the husband that the girl has to finish her education,he agrees and when she gets pregnant her mother or mother-in-law take care of the baby until the girl finishes her education. **As for me ,it is true I had my education before I got married,but when I got kids,I knew I had to stay at home for them, and I did,everybody thought I was crazy to have a degree and stay at home while i could've got a high-paying job(we weren't so well-to-do then),but i knew that if Allah has given me these gifts I had to take care of them. while they were grown up,I had time to learn a new language,tajweed,computers,crocheting and sewing,amhamdulillah. THE MORAL OF THE STORY is that you should enjoy every gift Allah gives you at the time he does give it to you,whether it is marriage,children, health...whatever, and be thankful to Allah that you were the one given all those gifts!! |
| NS |
| Re: considering marriage |
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| M.F. |
| 10/02/00 at 10:58:40 |
| Assalamu alaikum, But then again, do try and understand it from your mother's point of view. She's just being a mother! She's trying to protect you from something very painful that your sister went through. Of course you can say that the person you want to marry is different and you are different, but your sister probably didn't think that the person she married would put her in a bad situation either. And also, going to college and being married is not easy. I mean both are very difficult on their own (especially marriage, even though it's wonderful), so when you put them together, it might be too much to handle for some. So, although I agree that it's sunnah to get married early, you should try to see your mother's side, be very careful about how you speak to her, cause I know families that have been pretty much broken up just because of this type of situation. Also, 22 isn't THAT old Lightning At Night!! You haven't passed all the essential stages in life; you're just starting them!!!! :) that's all for now. assalamu alaikum |
| Insight, or out of sight? |
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| AbuKhaled |
| 10/03/00 at 10:58:18 |
| Bismillah Al-Rahman Al-Raheem. Dear Brothers and Sisters, Assalam alaikum wa rahmatullah. I'd like to chuck something into the pot for your consideration. It is not an opinion I have formed, but something which I have been thinking about since I first heard it. See what you all think. Perhaps you have heard it before. I will not be quoting verbatim, but rather the idea which was introduced, interspersed with my own additions. It was mentioned by Sheikh Hamza Yusuf in one of his lectures that in the Western world, intellectual, psychological, emotional maturity is retarded due to the societal level. That children in more traditional societies mature much more quickly, which is in fact more natural, but since we live in the Western world, our idea of such *naturality* is conditioned according to the reality around us. So where children accpet responsibility at a much earlier stage in life in such traditional societies, here those same aged children are busy playing Playstation. But, he went on, in fact, Islamically, when a girl reaches the physical point at which she can have babies, she is considered old enough to be a mother (and therefore before this, a wife). Almost as if her physical maturity is seen as heralding her maturity as a mother synonymously. Because now she is capable of having a child, she must also be capable of being the mother that is required to look after it. Additionally, such maturity also witnesses the age of takleef [legal responsibility] in Islam, yet oddly, in this society that same person may be an adult by Islamic standards, but still not legally (i.e. in the eyes of the kufr law) considered an adult. In this society, because physical (i.e sexual) maturity precedes the other areas of maturity- so, for example, a girl who is able to have children, may not be psychologically mature- her being capable of having a child does not match her being able to therefore be a mother. Whereas, in the time of the Prophet (saw) and even in traditional societies to this day, maturity is reached more evenly, i.e. more early, which is in sync. with how it should be from a fitrah perspective, which just goes to show how far removed these non-Muslim societies are from fitrah. This is why traditionally girls could get married at ages which are inconceivable to many Western-educated mindsets. Any comments on this? Abu Khaled |
| Re: considering marriage |
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| Saleema |
| 10/03/00 at 12:25:11 |
| Assalamoalykum, I agree with you a 100%! I have had this opinion, or actually I want to say a fact, since middle school. I noticed that Muslim girls who were raised in Muslim countries at least till elementary school and moved here and married, (between the ages of 16-18 ), were able to handle marriage life very well. One person who was raised here and got married at age 14 was divorced 2 years later. Marriage was too much for her to handle. She later married in her early 20s. Anyway, I also noticed that girls who got pregnant, (out of wedlock of course), and who married ended up divorced or separated very quickly, within months to 1/2 a year. I did not know that this was part of fitrah. It does seem natural. In sociology, sociologist us this term, "one is or one becomes as one is defined." Meaning if you tell people, at a young age, that for example, they are idiots, then they will think that they are idiots. Generation X, is another example. This society tells its children that they are not mature enough for marriage until in late 20s or early 30s, and the people believe that while growing up. We have all seen the results of that then. Many can't control their natural desires to have sexual relationships and all sorts of problems arise from there. But then again, it all depends on the way a person is raised also. A friend of mine, born and raised in Canada married at the age of 18 and now she is still happily married and she is 22 yrs old now. I also know of a couple of Christian girls who married at 18 and are still married. Wassalam |
| Re: considering marriage |
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| bhaloo |
| 10/03/00 at 12:38:36 |
| slm I agree as well, Abu Khaled. So what can we do to change this condition, because there are unfortunate things happening as a result of this. 1). Haraam relationships are developing between members of the opposite sex which result in children out of wedlock, severe depression and suicide in some cases, STDs, etc. 2). There is an emphasis placed in this society on material gains, so people want to have all these advanced degress, and postpone marriage resulting in a breakdown in the family unit. How can the youth be better prepared living in this society? Maybe its too late for them, but what about the next generations, what can we do for them? |
| NS |
| Re: considering marriage |
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| namiz99 |
| 10/03/00 at 13:55:31 |
| As-salaamu alaikum, I am glad you chose such a topic to post. I myself am in college, this is my second year. I am conflicting the decision of whether I am to be married now or wait until after graduation. Everyone that knows me, knows that my saying is "when 2003 comes, I will be on the market" lol. Meaning once I graduate. But the problem is holding out for that time. It is not easy at all, especially in an environment that says it is okay to have premarital relationships. There aren't many muslims at my school, so I'm surrounded by those that date. In fact the muslims here date, also. I myself have been holding on. And when I feel those desires, I feel that I should be married. I am at the age that I desire that type of love. In the meantime I try to fill myself with focusing in on my deen, school, and family and friends. Sometimes it can really be a struggle. Turning guys down is not always easy. Through my testimony, it seems like marriage is the solution. College should not hold you back, and if your husband is supportive, he'll encourage you to stick with school. And it is most definitely a period that you can grow together. But there is something that is holding me back from saying to my family that I am ready to be married. That is a thought I really need to contemplate on. And plus I don't have any good prospects. So I am going to wait on Allah's plan for me and pray that he guides me along the way in staying on the right path. Good luck, Rahmah. Masalam |
| Re: considering marriage |
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| Crow |
| 10/03/00 at 15:41:35 |
| assalaamu alaikum Abu Khalid, i think you're absolutely correct. If you go to parts of the world where the culture hasn't been overly affected by "Westernism" you can pick up the fact immediately that the kids there mature faster than in the West. Furthermore, the tarbiyyah that the kid has been given at the hands of his/her family affects the maturity too, and i believe this is true whether you live in the West or in the East. Compare the behaviour of a 14 yr old practising muslim in London to a kaafir kid, and you'll likely see an ocean of difference between the two. As for how to deal with the emotional turmoil that results in a person when marriage isn't allowed as an option, there is no easy solution i don't think. Its another one of those 'cultural' problems that we face as a result of being brought up in "culturally-muslim" families (alongside, racism, caste differences, etc), and something we'll have to have patience with, BUT resolve to change when we are in the position to do so as parents later in life insha'allah. |
| Re: considering marriage |
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| Asim |
| 10/04/00 at 01:04:00 |
| Assalaamu alaikum, This is an interesting discussion. Why do modern day kids mature later in life? Because the industry wants them to behave in that way and does its level best to drum that attitude into them. Kids are consumers, just like any other age group, in the market driven world of today. And over the years the buying influence and power of kids has increased thanks to their efforts. The industry doesn’t care about the value they preach as long as they can sell their products. And they invest in research to determine what prducts will get kids hooked. Think about it. Does a five year old really need to go crazy over a disney character? Or does a 10 year old benefit from the latest and most violent/weird/profane/irresponsible theme (etc) game? Who creates these fads in the first place? Look at any gap or old navy ad. Do they promote responsibility? Actually, the industry targets kids differently in different age groups, appealing to their level of understanding. But in all cases, they create a group mentality among a particular age group so that they can sell their products in large numbers. Also, it is in the interest of the industry that kids remain longer in schools. I believe 16 years for a college degree is way too long. The same level of education can be achieved in 12-14 years. Home schooled kids are a good example that clearly shows how inefficient (because they promote/overlook irresponsible behavior) the school systems are. Arshad, more education is desirable. But in the current society setup it is made into an if-and-or issue. Either one studies and delay marriage, or one marries early and give up education. It shouldn't be that way in an Islamic society. Education continues for life and it should not be a privilege but rather a right that the society gives to everyone not at the expense something else. I don't know if I made any sense :) Anyway. Wasalaam. |
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