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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board

Divorce
Malika
10/06/00 at 12:44:55
Assalam Wa Alaikum, I heard some disturbing information a few days ago and I wnated to share and get some opinions on this matter. There was this couple who were in the process of divorce (the women in Iddat).  The brother was talking to the Iman about how he really loved his wife and was confused about if this was the right way to proceed.  The Iman informed him to let it go (they were not really following what they should have been doing with regards to the marriage) and leave the sister alone.  Go get himself together maybe Allah(SWT) will give him better. Now my question is where does this Sister go?  If all the Brothers suggest that they look out for each other what happens to the sister that was damaged in this relationship? What advice is there to give.  What are some of your opinions on this matter? Jazak Allah Khairen

Re: Divorce
Saleema
10/08/00 at 00:02:37
Assalamoalykum, Could you be more specific? I dont really understand what you are talking about. What do you mean that if the brothers get together and where does the sister go? What exactly weren't they following in their marriage that they were supposed to? I can't really give my opinion until you clarify this. For what reason are they seeking divorce? Wassalam

Re: Divorce
Malika
10/11/00 at 12:26:47
As Salam Alaikum, Sorry for the delay in reply. What was meant by the brothers getting together was that they would tell him everything is going to be ok InshaAllah, just leave that sister alone don't bother with her. The brother would badmouth her in the community so much so that she was basically unable to seek any guidance or find any sisters who could possible tell her maybe what she could have done differently. The problems that they were experiencing was that the Brother was very abusive to his wife, physically, verbally, and mentally. The sister found it extremely difficult to be obedient under those circumstances.  At what point does the healing come in for both of them.  Since the sister is basically alienated from the uhmah becuase "she has problems" what happens?

Re: Divorce
mahsou411
10/11/00 at 22:32:09
As Salaam ALaikum, I am not sure where you live but what kind of muslim community would alienate HER and look at her as the one with problems when HE was abusive.  Beating your wife is 100% unislamic if it is in the form of abuse, causes damage to her, and especially if it leaves marks on her body and face. I think the people who really need help are the muslims who let this kind of stuff happen and then blame the sister for being disobedient. Allah does not say it is ok to be abusive, as a mattter of fact, kindness and love are required of BOTH spouses and the Prophet (saws) was so kind, never struck anybody except for in the cause of Allah and spoke out against abuse. Didn't he say that the ones who beat there wives are the worst among us? I think open and clear dialouge needs to start in every community becuase this crap happens too much. Sorry but this really gets to me. We have to stop using Islam as an excuse for injustice!!! Women should be looking out for their safety and lives (many women are killed daily from spousal abuse). If the brother is not giving the sister her due rights as a wife she does not have to sit there and take it. SHe can divorce and doesn't have to reamin obedient to a tyrant inher own home. I can't say anymore because I am so upset by this stuff. I think we should have a discussion on this board about abuse and what the rights of the wife are and wheather she must remain "obedient" when she is getin the stuffin knocked out of her As Salaam ALaikum, Aminah

Re: Divorce
Saleema
10/12/00 at 08:58:08
Assalamoalykum, Sad as it is and absolutely disgusting, that is the problem with many communities. I am sorry, I don't know what to say. May Allah reward the sister with a better husband if she gets divorced. If not, may Allah guide the brother. And these people call themselves Muslims? Aminah--you are so right. The Prophet Muhammad (S) also said something like, (Not exact words), 'How can you beat your wives like a slave and then lay with her at night?" Malika-- does the sister have a place to stay at if she gets divorced? Are her parents supporting her? Wait a minute, you mean the Imam was the one who said that they should bad mouth the sister? That man is the Imam? If that is the case, you should confront him about it. Even if the sister was at fault, let's just say it for the sake of argument, that still does not give anyone the right to backbite and spread rumors. He should know that. It is int he Quran that Allah does not like people who suspect others for no reason, spread rumors or back bite. The Imam is the leader,if the leader is corrupt, so will be the people. The Imam is supposed to be a role model for eveyone. wassalam wassalam

Re: Divorce
Malika
10/12/00 at 12:02:42
Salam sisters, First I appreciate someone speaking up on this subject as this is something that is widespread and kept in the dark.  Aminah, I agree with you and that is basically how I felt but I needed to see if maybe I wasn't reading something right.  The sister will be alright if she divorces and whill have somewhere live.  Her family although non-muslims does not prohibit her from her religion.  Seleema, No it wasn't the Imam who said to speak bad about her. It was the brother who spread the incorrect words about her and everyone was willing to aleinate the sister becuase the brother is well known in the community as a "good guy"  If you met the brother in the street you would have the same opinion because no one has to see how he interacts with his wife in their home and for those who have witnessed it let's just say they don't really visit anymore.  What shocks me is the Sisters should really be pulling together for this and they remain silent because if it isn't happening to them then, poor sister, I'll say a Dua for her if that.  What I am saying is what support services are in place for the sisters and brothers to get to the root of the problem.  Foundations cannot be built on a jello mold.  Maybe the sister has something in her whe need to figure out to avoid these type of brothers.  Maybe the brother needs help to avoid damaging another good sister.  As for what community, it is happening in a community near you.  At first glance it seems like a good uhmah to grow and learn the deen. Closer inspection reveals the sisters have cliques and a new sister is not welcomed as a new family member.  However, look at the brothers and how they welcome a new brother.  They look like they have known him in a previous life or something! Really we as sisters need to be more open to our own.  Yes there will be some sisters that obviously "have problems"  But isn't it required of us to help each other? I don't know but this kind of thing makes my journey that much more difficult.  InshaAllah we will grow in this deen and accept each other (I speak of the sisters)

Re: Divorce
mahsou411
10/12/00 at 13:52:37
As Salaam ALaikum, My masjid has a fundraiser every year and this year the theme is "From Behind the Veil: Voices of Muslim Women"  Insha'Allah there will be speakers talking about the issue of domestic violence among other things. We are also working to plan workshops the next day so that this does not end up being another lecture/conference with a bunch of lip service and no action to follow up. We hope to use this fundraisre as a springboard for further work/counseling/workshops/marriage training etc that is so badly needed. Maybe you can suggest this to the Imam or someone and be a part of putting somthing like this together in your community.  It really takes allot of work to get the speakers and everything together but insha'Allah it is worth it. Even if the masjid is not helpful or willing to put up the $ you can do it on your own by starting small with a goup of supportive and reliable muslims to back you up. I think it is time we ALL stop ignoring or complaining about the social ills amongst our Ummah and put in the effort to make a difference. We want to keep raising awareness to the struggle of Muslim women and the contributions so that we will be protected and further respected in this life. I hope all of us can take on this challenge on some level. We pray we are successful in ending injustices in our Ummah and Allah rewards us for our hard work. Amin. As Salaam Alaikum, Aminah

Re: Divorce
Saleema
10/12/00 at 14:01:58
Assalamoalykum, There is support group for Muslims women in Texas, if they don't have a place to stay, if their husbands kick them out, divorced, homeless, runaways... They give them counseling and help them get back on their feet. I guess now that i think about it really hard, Texas is a great place to live. wassalm

Re: Divorce
Malika
10/12/00 at 15:20:31
Assalam Alaikum I have been thinking of taking on such a project. But first I will make Istakara prayer to make sure I am heading in the right direction and Allah(swt) is guiding me on this.  With his help I know I will be successful.  Now let me find the cooperating sisters.:) Jazakum Allah Khairen my sisters!

Re: Divorce
humble_muslim
10/13/00 at 09:48:32
One thing I can never understand.  In these kinds of cases, there is often little sympathy with the aggrieved wife. She is told to be "patient", and that "Allah will reward her".  As a married man, I can say that there is nothing more emotionally agonizing in my dunya life then going thru bad times in a marriage. If a man is known to be a wife beater, and someone who knows this is asked about him, he should say that he is known to be a wife beater. The Prophet (SAW) did this on at least one occasion.  And the Quran CLEARLY states that if a wife fears cruelty on the part of her husband, she can be divorced from him.  I mean manu ulema say that a woman can't marry a man who does not pray his five times a salat, so why the reluctance to condemn wife beaters ?
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