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[MADRASA] Fiqh of marriage getting to know the prospective spouse
mahsou411
07/09/01 at 01:26:32
As Salaam Alaikum I was reading some info on marriage and was suprised by what it said regarding "getting to know" the prospective spouse. Here is an excerpt: "All the scholars have pointed out that it is not proper or acceptable for "fiancees" to be alone together or to have numerous encounters for the purpose of "getting to know each other".  In fact, this is a horrible innovation that has spread among the Muslims.  It must always be remembered that until they are married, they are like any other unrelated men and women to each other and their actions must reflect that fact. Obviously, it is not allowed to be alone with, have telephone conversations or internet "chats" with unrelated men or women in order to "get to know each other".  Those intending marriage but as yet unmarried are in the exact same position.  Such disobedience in the very course of seeking an act of obedience (marriage) very much in need of Allah's blessing can have serious and long lasting effects in the destruction of the marital relationship after that.  This is clearly the result of the similar "experiment" going in western societies over the last decades:...Recently, the success rate of marriages in the U.S. dropped below 50%.  This in spite of complete freedom of the couple to "get to know each other" in EVERY way and for as long as they wish before marriage.  Muslims - most of whom are heading down this same road - need to wake up and take heed.  The Prophet (sas) said: "La tattabi'unna sunan alladhina min qablikum shibran bi shibrin wa dhiraa'an bi dhiraa'in hatta lau dakhaloo juhra dhubbin ladakhaltumoohu." "You will follow the ways of those who came before you foot by foot and yard by yard and even if they go down a lizard's hole, you will follow them." In other parts of this text it says that you should only be allowed to look at the person but you should not have conversations with him or her. You should find out if they fear Allah and have good character but how can you do that if you do not even meet the person? If you only get second-hand info you could be in for a big suprise when you get married. I am considering marriage right now and would like to know what is permissible. I think that in this country (U.S.) and in this century we have way more to be weary of than in the past. Am I right or just taking a "modernist" view of Islam? What have others done before they got married? It is common practice in my community to meet and talk to the brother or sister a few times before making a decision. Input please:) Salaam, Aminah Insha Allah I will post where this is from in a bit.

Re: Fiqh of marriage
Arsalan
10/08/00 at 18:37:50
Wa'alaikum assalam wa rahmatullah, Aminah, the article is mainly talking about private meetings and conversations.  If two people are engaged, they can have conversations in the presence of mahrams.  For example, the man can talk to his fiancee in the presence of her father or brother.  There has to be hijaab, of course, and no privacy. Some scholars (Jamal Badawi, for example) have allowed telephone conversations as well, but I would be careful. Wasalamu alaikum.

Re: Fiqh of marriage
mahsou411
10/08/00 at 20:50:54
As Salaam Alaikum, Ok soory to be a nag but the brother who compliled this (it is from a course at American Open University) said that the prospective spouses should  not be alone together "or" have numerous meetings to get to know eachother. That would mean that the numerous meetings are not included in the "alone" catagory and should ebe avoided even if there is a chaperone.  In other parts of this text he has stated that the practice of having meetings with the prospective spouse that are chaperoned by the wakil and family are innovations and should stop. In addition he says this regarding looking at the prospective spouse: "Once that has been determined and the decision has been made (to marry), it is no longer permissible for them to look at each other...since the decision has been made there is no longer any need for them to see each other and they are no longer allowed to do so... There are a number of important points which pertain to this issue: ...It can only be done if the person actually intends marriage to the person AND there is a real possibility of it taking place.  Otherwise, such a look remains forbidden."   Ok here is my question, if the only permissible time to look at the perspective husband is when I am sure I am going to marry him does that mean I must not meet him before that?  I understand why after you have decided you should not have any contact because that could lead to temptation. I can understand that...even though if you are around other people especially family and wakil that should not be an issue..but anyway, I was wondering about before I decide on the brother, is it allowable to meet with him? The above evidence seems to indicate that it is not permissible until you have decided to marry the person or you are almost sure and just want to look to be completely sure. Is this what most Muslims do? I am a fairly new muslim and need some clarity.  Sorry to be such a bug:) As Salaam Alaikum

Re: Fiqh of marriage
mahsou411
10/08/00 at 21:01:10
As Salaam ALaikum. Just one more thing:) "If two people are engaged, they can have conversations in the presence of mahrams."    This author says meeting with or looking at the person should only take place to ensure you want to marry the person and it should only take place once. he said a prolonged look is ok but that is all and then any more looking after the decision has been made (ie they are engaged) is not permissible. Is there anywhere I can get more info on what it halaal in this situation?? JazakAllah Khairun

Re: Fiqh of marriage
Arsalan
10/09/00 at 00:20:41
There's a good book out there called [i] Fiqh of Marriage in Islam [/i] by Jamal-ad-Din Zarabozo.  I would recommend it, although I'm not sure how much detailed discussion it contains on this particular topic. As far as the answers to your questions are concerned, I don't wanna give a wrong answer, so I'm gonna keep my mouth shut :) Do consult a knowledgeable imam/shaikh though. Wassalamu alaikum.

Re: Fiqh of marriage
mahsou411
10/09/00 at 11:44:20
JazakAllah Khairun for your help. I will discuss it with the Imam insha'Allah;) Salaam
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