[MADRASA] Should we split the Housework right down the middle in a marriage?

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[MADRASA] Should we split the Housework right down the middle in a marriage?
Anonymous
07/09/01 at 01:45:41
I know as a muslim man that we are supposed to help our sisters with
the housework. However, is it really supposed to be split right down the middle? I
dont think so. I bet if I were married and demanded financial help from my wife
she would freak out. Yet it seems that they demand help with the chores from us. I
mean, its my responsibility to provide for my wife and children, so dont you
think the least my wife could do is keep the house clean and cozy? I would love to
help my wife in any way I could I just dont think they should expect help, seeing
as its really their responsibility. Yes, the Prophets (SAWS) helped but he did not
have a nagging wife breathing down his neck. He helped on his own terms. Further,
he instructed Fatima to "do what neded to be done inside" and Ali to "do what
needed to be done outside." what is the problem with this arrangement?
Re: Housework
Ayesha
10/17/00 at 13:15:27
Asalamalaikum,

I agree. *lol* abt the nagging wife breathing down your neck
Re: Housework
Saleema
10/17/00 at 16:55:03
Assalamoalykum,

Brother, if your wife doesn't work, then the right and supportive thing to do is that she should do the housework. But if she works and since you do too, you can't expect her to do all of the household stuff by herself. If you don't want to help with the housework, then if she works, maybe you can talk to her about being a stay home mom. There's nothing wrong with that you know. That is where the woman's first duty lies.

Why don't you sit her down and talk to her, tell her exactly what you told us on this board. Support your arguments like you supported them here on the board and of course let her know while talking to her that you love her very much.   :)

My friend had that problem. Its ok now, alhamdullilah.

wassalm
Re: Housework
M.F.
10/18/00 at 07:06:35
Assalamu alaikum,
Wait a minute, you say: "I bet if I were married and demanded financial help from my wife..."
You're not even married and already you're resisting having to help around the house! and already you're projecting that your wife's going to be nagging you and breathing down your neck!!! And that she's the type to freak out if you asked her for financial help!  Man if that's the attitude you're taking into a marriage then I suggest you forget about the whole thing right now, spare yourself and another person a lot of pain.
And even though it's a natural thing that a wife do the housework especially if she's home, you can't imagine how much women appreciate just the slightest amount of help.  But it seems to me like you're expecting a maid, not a wife.  
Also, you seem to think it's almost nothing when you say: "so dont you think the least my wife could do is keep the house clean and cozy? "
If you think it's easy, you try it for a week.
Re: Housework
Ayesha
10/18/00 at 09:23:01
Asalamalaikum,

oops I did'nt read the post properly. I thought anonymous was already married and going thru it. Definately you cannot go into a marriage with that attitude. Pay attention to what sister saleema and M.F. have to say.


It's no longer funny :(
Re: Housework
Saleema
10/18/00 at 12:18:37
Assalamoalykum,

What, you are not married?!?

Sorry bro, but usually when people are about the get married they are thinking of all the positive things about marriage. What kind of attitude is that and you are not even married?

I would think that men would start to think like that after marriage. ??????

wassalam,
Re: Housework
Malika
10/18/00 at 13:22:29
AsSalam Alaikum

Let me ask you. Since you haven't even gotten married yet and you have all these thoughts do you also feel that you really shouldn't have to make all the money.  And if your wife does work and she sees you need the help and you actually ask, what kind of women do you plan on finding that she would freak out?  Men with that attitude come a dime a dozen and I would rather spend $5(maybe even $10 :)) on one good man than your kind.  As for housework  she didn't mess the house up by herself so for you to even take the trash out is appreciated.  A stay at home wife would have realized she can handle all those duties (you can still do the trash) A working wife needs just a little more support.  I hope you will  change some of your outlook on marriage or else you will be one of those brothers who had 5 wives and cannot understand why your marriages failed. (those are the dime a dozen guys!)    
Re: Housework
Arsalan
10/18/00 at 13:40:38
Assalamu alaikum,

Interesting how y'all's views changed after figuring out Anonymous was not married.  But you guys are making another assumption - that Anonymous is looking for a wife or is thinking of marriage.  And that is the reason for his query.

That may not be the case.  Perhaps his questions are simply due to some observation that he has made among his group of married friends or within his household.  In that case, what is wrong with what he's saying??  
Re: Housework
Saleema
10/18/00 at 15:32:41
Assalamoalykum,

Arsalan, even in that case, his outlook on marraige is completely wrong still, observation or no observation.

By the way Malika, I know someone who has married 7 times! He just married his seventh wife about two months ago.

wassalm
Re: Housework
Malika
10/18/00 at 15:55:54
AsSalaam Alaikum

Seleema, 7 times? And all of the mariages were good? I mean Alhamdulilah if that is the case.  Ok maybe I'm the one in error.  But even still Arsalan, that attitude as Seleema said still isn't right.  Is there going to be any clarification from Anonymous?
Re: Housework
se7en
10/18/00 at 16:21:03
as salaamu alaykum wa rahmatAllahi wa barakatuh,

[quote] Yes, the Prophets (SAWS) helped but he did not have a nagging wife breathing down his neck. [/quote]

Muhammad was a prophet of God.  Spreading the message of God to all people was a burden on his shoulders.  He spent nights up in prayer calling on his Lord because he wanted to be a thankful servant.  He lead battles in the forefront ill equipped and with few men.  He was alienated by his entire people, shunned and ostracized.  He was a leader, an advisor, a soldier, a judge, a friend, a father, a husband.  He had to deal with the death of his own children, with jealous wives, with question of fiqh, with flipping the social economic political aspects of Arabia upside down.  One of his companions said, "no matter how much difficulty you meet, they cannot measure to the awesome adversities we experienced at the dawn of Islam alongside God's messenger."  His life was a hundred times, no, a thousand times more challenging than anything you or I have ever experienced.  



And he, this man, the Chosen, did housework.


salallahu alayhe wa salam, may Allah grant him peace and blessings.



He was not an angel.  He was a man, much like you are a man.  If *this* man can find time to help his wives, if he can mend his own shoes, I don't understand why it's difficult for you to help your wife with chores.  

I'm sorry if I'm not sympathetic to what you are saying.  Maybe I misunderstood what you were trying to say.  I just think that if you don't have the patience, gentleness, and willingness to deal with a woman, perhaps you should think long and hard before you get married.

Everyone has weaknesses.  Yes, marriage is great, a sharing of trust and intimacy, this one person your companion and your garment for life.  But marriage takes sacrifice and it takes patience.  If you're not prepared to deal with that, perhaps you're not ready for marriage.  



wasalaam.
Re: Housework
mahsou411
10/18/00 at 20:41:48
As Salaamu Alaikum

CanI put in my two cents?

If a brother works full time he has 40 hrs (maybe 50 if he stays late sometimes)of work a week. A wife who is a stay at home mom works...hmmmm lets see, I don;t think she is really ever off-duty unless she has a kind, supportive, and merciful friend who will help out and give her a break from time to time....like maybe her HUSBAND!!!

I think men should really think about what  se7en said about our Prophet (saws) and what he did. How do we know he did not have a wife breathing down his neck?? As far as I know he had wives who answered back and were jealous, mind you he had more than one! And brothers nowadays complain about one sister asking for help.

I would like to know what Anonymous meant by breathing down his back.

Also, the Prophet (saws) said the best of the believers are those that are best to their families (and yes this means wives) so if you want to please your Rabb you should be kind and understanding of how hard it is to have screaming kids running around all day plus house work and maybe other things on her plate as well. How mwny times have we seen a sister with like 2, 3 or 4 kids look tired and run down. Brothers, it is not easy to look after small children 24-7. Give your wives some help. While you are kicked back on the sofa after a long day at work she is still on duty cleaning up after dinner and gettin the kids ready for bed, getting *your* clothes washed and ironed, trying to study her deen, trying to "serve you" and trying to make salat in a sane state of mind!!!!

Just something to think about.

Allah knows best.


PS i reccomend "Muslim Marriage Guide" by Ruqayyah Waris Maqsoud. She has good insights and practical advice.
If you are not married you may wanna skip the last couple of chapters until you can use them in a lawful manner (hint hint:)
As Salaam Alaikum
Re: Housework
Saleema
10/19/00 at 11:36:42


Seleema, 7 times? And all of the mariages were good? I mean Alhamdulilah if that is the case.  Ok maybe I'm the one in error.  But even still Arsalan, that attitude as Seleema said still isn't right.  Is there going to be any clarification from Anonymous?


Salam,
perhaps you didn't understand my post. He had divorced 6 times and now he's married his 7th wife. He's very rich, and I think that is why women keep marrying him despite knowing his record. His longest marriage lasted 2 years. His shortest marriage lasted 2 weeks.
The other marriages didn't last for more than a year.

wassalam


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