Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
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| lightningatnite |
| 11/01/00 at 00:16:01 |
| salams, peace, Ha, I knew that would get you to open this :) Ok, well it would have got me to open it anyway... Ok, first let me say that if you are too shy to post with your original name, you can always post anonymously. Keep on reading to see what I'm talking about. I want to know what all you unmarried brothers think about the following issues. 1. What age would you personally want to get married at? What do you think is a good age? 2.What about being engaged or getting married, just the nikah ceremony, but not living with your wife? and having the wedding later, like a walima and all the other rituals that different cultures have? 3.What would you do if a girl, muslim girl, gave you a love poem asking you to marry? Nothing perverted or anything like that? What if it was kinda perverted, then what? :) 4. How would you feel if a sister approached you about marriage? What if she was older than you? What if she was in the army? A member of MAIM? 5. And last, but not least, what do you think about interacil marriages?(I don't know what they are, but what do you think of them?) How about iteraacaialy marriages? What do you think of Saleema's spelling ability? Do you think we should chip in and buy her a pocket dictionary? (For the record, its i n t e r a c i a l) 6. Actually, this is the last one, those who think that "getting to know" the other person is important, how do you think that can be done within the limits of haya? 7. Actually, this REALLY REALLY is the last one, what are the top 3 qualities you'd admire in a sister? 8. Actually, this is REALLY REALLY REALLY..j/k :) Seriously, mad props to Saleema, I think this is a good discussion topic :O Wassalam :) |
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| tree |
| 10/31/00 at 20:09:55 |
| haha... on first sight i thought you were giving away balaclavas!!! (ha!) |
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| Learner |
| 10/31/00 at 20:35:17 |
| That's what I thought as well! |
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| tree |
| 10/31/00 at 20:48:50 |
| ha! Must be a british thing (another reason for having a british forum!! ;) |
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| Saleema |
| 11/01/00 at 01:51:21 |
| Assalmaoalykum, :( I actually thought that there was free baklava. now that I think about it, how would i have gotten it? my spelling ability. its my typing. :) english is my strongest subject, it better be, since I write. :D wassalam |
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| se7en |
| 11/01/00 at 19:56:56 |
| Hmm... what's this, no brothers are willing to answer the questions? No fair, the sisters answer and the brothers don't.. |
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| Arsalan |
| 11/01/00 at 22:45:37 |
| Assalamu alaikum, [quote]Hmm... what's this, no brothers are willing to answer the questions? No fair, the sisters answer and the brothers don't.. [/quote]Look who's talking!!! Actually I did post something ... quite a long post. But it was only up for half an hour. Then I removed it accidentally. And after that accident, I didn't feel like rewriting the whole thing! Maybe it just wasn't meant to be :) Wassalam. |
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| Arsalan |
| 11/02/00 at 18:31:44 |
| For the second time ... salams, peace, Wa'alaikum assalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh! 1. What age would you personally want to get married at? What do you think is a good age? Second year in college. I guess that would be 18/19. That would be the ideal situation. But it depends on many things. I guess you just have to feel ready for it. Above all, you should be mentally ready to embark on a different life. Everything else (finance, education, etc) comes secondary. You have to be psychologically ready to begin a married life. 2.What about being engaged or getting married, just the nikah ceremony, but not living with your wife? and having the wedding later, like a walima and all the other rituals that different cultures have? I don't like gaps between engagement and nikaah. The way I see it, the time when both sides agree to the marriage and decide on a date for nikaah is [i]the engagement[/i]. No fancy ceremony required. And I think a long gap between engagement and nikaah would be unbearable! Between nikaah and walima ... hmm. Depends on the couple. If they want to use that time to finish up things, get to know each other a little better, and prepare for married life, etc. I guess that's ok. But I wouldn't have a gap more than 9 months MAX! 3.What would you do if a girl, muslim girl, gave you a love poem asking you to marry? I would gently tell her that I was not her type of guy, and wish her the best of luck in finding a good husband! Is that harsh? Maybe. But I think sisters are inherently shy and self-restrained. That would be a huge step to give someone a love poem. And someone who can force herself to do that, they can force themselves to do many other things as well! Nothing perverted or anything like that? What if it was kinda perverted, then what? :) I would probably do the same thing. 4. How would you feel if a sister approached you about marriage? I would ask her WHY?? If she had legitimate reasons, then I'd tell her to approach her parents. And I'd do the same if I was interested in her. I think if you are contemplating marrying someone then you should consult and make that decision together WITH your parents. If you talk to the other person to get to know them better and then approach your parents with a convinced mind, then what's the point? If you're already convinced that you wanna marry this person, what's the point of consulting the parents? Simply to get approval? What if they don't approve? I wouldn't wanna be in that situation, and wouldn't want her to be in it either. What if she was older than you? How much older? I guess a year or two older is not a problem. I'm not sure how my parents would handle that though. I think they'd be hesitant. What if she was in the army? I'm all for it! I can get free personal training after marriage ;) She'd have to get out of it once she's married though :) A member of MAIM? Remind me what that is again? 5. And last, but not least, what do you think about interacil marriages? I have absolutely no problem with them at all. But I think it would be quite a task to convince some family members. *sigh* 6. Actually, this is the last one, those who think that "getting to know" the other person is important, how do you think that can be done within the limits of haya? There's many ways. Talking with them in the presence of a mahram, finding out about her from other people (your sister, her friends, your mother, your friends' moms, etc). Talking on the internet is another way, as long as you avoid the pitfalls. 7. Actually, this REALLY REALLY is the last one, what are the top 3 qualities you'd admire in a sister? I'm not falling for this one :) Lightning, Arshad (where has he been?), Asim, Kashif, Proudtobemuslim, Learner ... your turn! Wassalamu alaikum. P.S. I have to say at the end what Khathija said at the end of her post! Many things here are too general. I might do things differently based on specific circumstances. |
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| haaris |
| 11/03/00 at 05:52:26 |
| Salaam, The only subject I feel I can add anything extra to is the inter-racial marriages bit. From personal experience (being one half of an "inter-racial" marriage myself) I (obviously) have no problem with it. Practically, it can be difficult. I find that certain people feel that they have to satisfy themselves that I am a practicing muslim moreso than they would if I were Pakistani. For example I'm often asked when salat time is and how many rakats I pray for each one, etc. I know that similar questions would not be asked of me were I a nice Pakistani boy. Having said that, I thank Allah for my in-laws. Masha' Allah my wife's parents and immediate family (both here and in Pakistan) have wholeheartedly accepted me as their "beta". To be fair to the family, there are so many stories over here of "mixed marriages" that fail or that result in the "Anglicising" of the couple (probably a subset of a failed marriage, no?) and people leaving the deen that I can understand any initial suspicion (I mean that word in its weakest sense possible) and interpret it as concern for the welfare of my wife. Oh yeah, and it's hard for me too. I am desperately trying to learn Urdhu in a pathetic attempt to follow every bit of conversation at my in-laws!! Salaam |
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| Kathy |
| 11/03/00 at 08:19:27 |
| slm Arsalan- there can be many benefits to marrying an older woman- expecially for an intelligent man. |
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| bhaloo |
| 11/04/00 at 08:05:02 |
| slm Ha, I knew that would get you to open this :) Hah, it worked, I saw free baklava and I came here. Who could resist such a sweet deal. ;) My mind is distracted now (probably the baklava talk), so I might skip the first few questions. 3.What would you do if a girl, muslim girl, gave you a love poem asking you to marry? Nothing perverted or anything like that? What if it was kinda perverted, then what? :) I think most guys would be flattered by this, seriously, to have something sweet written for them, who wouldn't? However, for a sister to write something like that, must have taken a great deal of time and effort on her part. She must have thought about the guy a great deal to come up with something like this. What would lead her to this state where she would write such a poem? Most likely it would be because of some unislamic behavior between the man and woman. Perhaps they spent a lot of time alone with each other, held hands, flirted, etc. so naturally feelings developed between themselves. The brother's response to the sister should be that this poem is not appropriate (though he is flattered that she wrote a poem for him) and that if she is interested in marrying the brother, they should involve their parents into the matter. 4. How would you feel if a sister approached you about marriage? What if she was older than you? What if she was in the army? A member of MAIM? MAIM- Muslimahs Against Idiot Males ??? Well if she isn't drafted, I don't see how that would be a problem. Plus there is the added benifit that she knows how to shoot a gun. ;) 5. And last, but not least, what do you think about interacil marriages?(I don't know what they are, but what do you think of them?) How about iteraacaialy marriages? What do you think of Saleema's spelling ability? Do you think we should chip in and buy her a pocket dictionary? (For the record, its i n t e r a c i a l) The most important factor should be how good a Muslim is the other person. As for Saleema's spelling abilities, I think she does it on purpose to give the Britishers a hard time. (The British take their English very seriously and it drives them completely nuts when people do not spell words correctly or use slang). This gives me an idea, I might play around with Kashif and send him some emails with misspellings. ;) As for chipping in and buying her a spelling dictionary, that's not going to happen, because we are desis (i.e. cheap). hehehehhe :) |
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| Kashif |
| 11/06/00 at 19:22:00 |
| assalaamu alaikum I wanted to make a comment on the "results" of this questionnaire, and in particular the response to the question about receiving a poem from the opposite sex. I was expecting for the sisters - who generally are more shy and reserved - to have a generally antagonistic response and reject that kind of approach, and for the brothers to either share that view or say "hey i'll check it out." But to my surprise it worked out quite the opposite with brothers rejecting that approach and sisters taking the "hmmm.. i may consider it" view. I wonder why its like this? Kashif Wa Salaam |
| NS |
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| Mona |
| 11/06/00 at 20:24:17 |
| assalamu alaikum, oh c'mon br. kashif...most of the answers to that question were tongue-in-cheek due to its emabarassing nature. just like your (now deleted) comment on sr. kathy's statement about the merits of choosing an older wife!! i assure you most sisters have the good sense not to even consider someone who has the gall to romanticize about them in such a manner. they would reject such behaviour if not for its silliness then for the implied obsessive nature of the person who wrote the poem. btw, br. lightningatnite, where are your answers to these questions? it is kinda [i]sneaky[/i] of you to ask everyone else and not offer your views :-) sr. saleema, you too! wassalamu alaikum |
| I think Kashif might be onto something here. |
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| bhaloo |
| 11/06/00 at 21:09:07 |
| slm I think women tend to respond better to poetry then men do. Most of us men here don't know anything about poetry nor do we appreciate it, except for Lightningatnite. That probably sounds pretty shocking to some of you, but I think its the truth. Ok, guys, how many books on poetry have you read. I'm talking books, not one or two poems, reading Se7en's writings do not count as a book. Kashif? Arsalan? Moe? Asim? |
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| Asim |
| 11/06/00 at 23:09:04 |
| slm [quote]Ok, guys, how many books on poetry have you read.[/quote] None! I think guys don't have the patience to read and reason through complicated poetry. I read poetry like a story, one pass. If I don't understand it (which is common) then too bad. I don't waste time. So if a sister sends me a poem as a first communication I will not be too happy (who knows what she meant in the poem :)). I would appreciate a more direct approach. Wasalaam. |
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| lightningatnite |
| 11/07/00 at 12:00:42 |
| [quote]it is kinda [i]sneaky[/i] of you to ask everyone else and not offer your views -Mona[/quote] salam :) Ah, sister Mona is on to me. See, I wanted to see how bad the brothers would get lashed for their insensitive and politically incorrect remarks, but sisters, you've been kind to us :) Brothers, why no replies... [quote]1. What age would you personally want to get married at? What do you think is a good age? [/quote] You know, someone told me a scholar was saying that you should look for a wife half your age plus 7. I thought that was really funny, I mean, I don't think age is as critical as we make it out to be. When we'd ask my great grandfather when he was born, he'd say "I don't know, but there was an earthquake when I was a youngin', so I guess I'd be over 100 or so..." Traditional cultures don't even have the concept of teenage years, you're either a child, or an adult. The main thing is that the brother and the sister have to be serious about committment to each other for the sake of Allah. Sheikh Mukhtar says 18 for brothers, 16 for sisters. But when I was 18, I was way too immature. But now,...uhmm..well nevermind I forgot what I was trying to say :) Man, this is alot harder than I thought! No wonder most of the brothers chickened out! :) I'm gonna summarize... If a girl gave ME a poem, I'd give her her mahr :) I don't think race would be a consideration at all as long as she's from India :) j/k, I'm a very unbiased person, and alhamdulillah, my parents are too. (Jewel, are you reading this?... you still have a chance:) [quote]7. Actually, this REALLY REALLY is the last one, what are the top 3 qualities you'd admire in a sister?[/quote] Of course, the Islamic conditions have to be there. By Islamic, I mean she has to know how to cook and clean an...:) Honestly, I'm the type that would like to skip work one morning for no reason and drive out to the mountains and just hike and admire the beauty of creation, sit by a waterfall and laugh...to me that is what I mean by Islamic. I don't think she'd need to be able to tell me the isnaad of all 40 of Imam Nawawi's hadith, though that would be really cool. She'd have to be a princess, because thats the way I'd treat her (I swear that's not a line :) I'm serious, I love this Deen because it allows us to be our nature, a guy can be a guy and a girl a girl. I think there's some sisters who'd like to get flowers everyday, and others who'd rather not. Hmm...now that I think about it, I'd go by a Mahr Rewards program. The details would be as follows: If... she smiles alot :) :) :) :) :), +$5000 she knows how to make baklava, +$5000 she knows how to make hummus tahini, +$7000 she knows the isnaad of all of Imam Nawawi's hadith, +$10000 she knows all 40 of Imam Nawawi's hadith, +$5000 she's heard of Imam Nawawi, +$2500 Seriously, the biggest trait I'd look for in a sister is the way she acts around children. Rahma is so beautiful. Wassalam :) |
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| Arsalan |
| 11/07/00 at 00:47:05 |
| Assalamu alaikum,[quote]Ok, guys, how many books on poetry have you read.[/quote]4 or 5 in Urdu. All by either Iqbal or Ghalib. None in English! (unless you count the Odyssey). Lightningatnite: If I was a sister, I would almost fall for you ;) ALMOST! :) Wassalam. P.S. Where's the other brothers' replies??? |
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| lightningatnite |
| 11/07/00 at 07:38:33 |
| [quote]Lightningatnite: If I was a sister, I would almost fall for you ;) ALMOST! :) [/quote] Haha Arsalan...I would have thought that was a bit cruel, but then I realized, how can mere lambs understand the life of lions? :O j/k, believe me, if you met me you'd realize how idealistic(se7en calls me foofy-headed) I really am :) :) Salam :) |
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| Saleema |
| 11/07/00 at 09:07:15 |
| Assalamoalykum, ahhhhh...Idealistic. U won't be LightningAtNite after you get to be my age. :) I used to be idealistic. People say that I still am. But I believe I never was. so....Arsalan, you have to read at least one english poetry book to be considered to reach LigtningAtNites's level where some girl would fall for you. Almost. :) :) I would think that a guy who would bring me flowers everyday was crazy. I would regret marrying him. I mean, how corny! Roses... (big no no with me, although tulips would work for me, but that wouldn't impress me. I would just take the tulips because they are tulips). I like the mahar thing. I am going to demand that!! :) So everyone answer so I can come up with "result." brothers and sisters. wassalam |
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| se7en |
| 11/07/00 at 13:06:33 |
| as salaamu alaykum wa rahmatAllahi wa barakatuh, Yes, my brother is foofy headed, but he's also a good guy and he deserves someone as sweet and good and sincere as he is. :) I'm makin dua for you bro! ;) I don't understand how he's so idealistic when he has a sister as cynical as I am. [quote] I would think that a guy who would bring me flowers everyday was crazy. I would regret marrying him. I mean, how corny...[/quote] Saleema are you serious? How could you not like flowers? Don't tell me you would turn down chocolate too??? |
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| saifullah |
| 11/08/00 at 12:12:06 |
| As-salaamu alaikum.. OH WOW MARRIAGE TALK!!!! luckily this is the BROTHERS place.. 1. Age: im 20, want ot be married by 21. 2. I dont like the idea of not living with my wife aftr we have the nikah. The engagement makes sense, so people know not to ask the two people for marriage. 3. HAHAHAH what kinda question is this???? i got a love lettr in my locker once in HS, and i didnt do anythign about it.... 4. I dont think there is anytihgn wrong with a sister telling her approriate authorities to approach me about marriage... besides, Brothers are insecure enough about themselves, what ahelp it would be if the sisters came to them!! Oh yah, older, that would be nice. ALot of the younger sisters (younger than me) in my area are very immature. I know sisters may think that about brothers, but seriously, the older sisters have so much more respect for themselves it seems. 5. I have no problem with an inter racial marriage, im paki. My father has n problem... my MOTHER of course... has big problems... i hope she overcomes them soon ... 6. You go out eat out, bring her brother along, or bring her mom and dad and her out on a nice date.... "within the limits of haya?" Oh Lightning, i thought you said HYATT for a second there.... 7. 1. Respects herself 2. i dont want to put anything else cause sisters might be reading this.... THE END wa salaamu alaikum |
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| Arsalan |
| 11/08/00 at 12:45:49 |
| [quote]"within the limits of haya?" Oh Lightning, i thought you said HYATT for a second there....[/quote]*lol* :D |
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| Saleema |
| 11/08/00 at 18:12:39 |
| Assalamoalykum, Brother Saifullah and Brother Arsalan, what is so funny? I don't get it. Especially laughing at something which Lightning might have said... he's not funny at all.. :) j/k (I think you'r hilarious.) You guys explain this to me without cracking jokes, I will pray for you guys......... :) wassalam |
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| saifullah |
| 11/09/00 at 09:32:57 |
| As-salaamu alaikum... Saleema sorry, that was an inside reference to ISNA.... heh and if you werent there, i guess you wouldnt really know what i was speaking of.. by the way LightningAtNight , this is me (Ayan), the person you met at NYU during last Ramadan and ISNA with Sami if you recall! wa salaamu alaikum |
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| Moe |
| 11/09/00 at 21:01:10 |
| hey guys what does "within the limits of haya?" mean and what does HYATT mean? |
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| proudtobemuslim |
| 11/10/00 at 07:28:20 |
| Assalam-u-Alaikum, Bro. lightnin, your supposed to answer all the questions not just two... Within the limits of haya basically means within the limits of Islam and the modesty a Muslim is supposed to have... and HYATT is the hotel... btw, what is baklava actually... i have this vague recollection of sis. Saleema posting a recipe for it... but it didn't sound like something to lust after (not like shawarma, then hehe). [quote] 1. What age would you personally want to get married at? What do you think is a good age? [/quote] Personally I don't think I'd be ready for marriage until 21 or 22. Obviously it varies from brother to brother. [quote]2.What about being engaged or getting married, just the nikah ceremony, but not living with your wife? and having the wedding later, like a walima and all the other rituals that different culture have? [/quote] Nah... I don't like living in the middle. If we both agree then I'd like to get the whole thing over with when both families are agreeable and live like a normal couple... whether during or after education. [quote]3.What would you do if a girl, muslim girl, gave you a love poem asking you to marry? Nothing perverted or anything like that? What if it was kinda perverted, then what? [/quote] Okay... I'll be very honest. If I did get something like that and was not perverted then the first thing I'd think would be, "Is this for me?" If I can prove that it is for me then I'd be really flattered. After the initial euphoria (is that the right word... or is it too strong?), I'd start thinking about what I'd do... coz i'm really not sure at this very moment. I'd think about whether I'm good enough for her (considering that she is a muslim girl) and whether I'd like to live with her. Then, when I can finally get my heart to beat rhytmically again (after a few days), I'd take the poem to her and ask if she's serious. If so, I'd tell her to talk to her parents and get them to talk to my parents, while I 'try' to do the same (not that my parents don't want me to get married or anything... just that I feel uncomfortable talking about things like that). If it was perverted... I'd crumple it and throw it in the nearest bin since I'd figure with very little doubt that it's a sarcastic mockery of me... Then I'd post all about it here... LOL. [quote] 4. How would you feel if a sister approached you about marriage? What if she was older than you? What if she was in the army? A member of MAIM? [/quote] First of all if I think she's the right person for me, then I'd be relieved that I didn't have to make the... whaddayasay... 'progression' myself. I'd like to think that I wouldn't mind her being older than me (as long as im taller hehe), but i wouldnt like it if she pulled the 'respect your elders' thing on me too often. If she was in the army and one of those feminists who are like oh we're equal to men therefore we should fight alongside without hijab etc. then I don't think she'd be the right person for me and I'd ask her to change her lifestyle to a more Islamic one. If she's like a nurse or doctor then I wouldn't mind. Whats MAIM anyways? Sounds like an animal's rights group LOL. [quote] 5. And last, but not least, what do you think about interacil marriages?(I don't know what they are, but what do you think of them?) How about iteraacaialy marriages? What do you think of Saleema's spelling ability? Do you think we should chip in and buy her a pocket dictionary? (Forthe record, its i n t e r a c i a l) [/quote] No problem whatsoever. As for the sis.'s spelling ability I think we should get her some voice recognition software... I'd like to see how she gets those smileys on without a keyboard... hehe [quote] 6. Actually, this is the last one, those who think that "getting to know" the other person is important, how do you think that can be done within the limits of haya? [/quote] Aaaah... this is the big one. I don't really know. I'd have to find out before saying anything. [quote] 7. Actually, this REALLY REALLY is the last one, what are the top 3 qualities you'd admire in a sister? [/quote] 1.a. She is a Muslim who does all the duties REQUIRED of her to do, including Salah, etc. 1.b. She is totally unashamed to wear a full hijab anywhere in the world. 2. She is willing to have thousands of children. (Okay maybe thats a slight exaggeration... hehe) 3. Ask me when I get married Insha-Allah. [quote] 8. Actually, this is REALLY REALLY REALLY..j/k [/quote] What is j/k anyway? Alright... thats probably the longest post I ever posted. Happy dreams. Wassalam-u-Alaikum Uzer |
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| Arsalan |
| 11/10/00 at 09:54:25 |
| Assalaumu alaikum, Vocabulary: baklava - Turkish sweet, which is also very popular in the Middle East. It is definitely something to lust after :) hayaa - Arabic word meaning modesty. Hyatt - A famous five-star hotel (as in Hyatt Regency). ISNA conventions usually take place at convention centers that are close to hotels (usually hyatts ... don't ask me why!) j/k - just kidding (sometimes people also use it for jazakallahu khairan). Wassalamu alaikum. |
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| proudtobemuslim |
| 11/10/00 at 09:59:29 |
| Assalam-u-Alaikum, Forgot to answer one thing... No! I have not read any poetry books and don't intend to. Migraines are not in my new year's resolutions... (like i have any...) Wassalam-u-Alaikum Uzer |
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| Saleema |
| 11/10/00 at 22:44:39 |
| Assalamoalykum, You people....... be nice! Now even my brother is teasing me about my spelling abilities. I think I should not let him access this website. :) wassalam |
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| Harisa |
| 11/11/00 at 18:14:26 |
| What if she was in the army? I'm all for it! I can get free personal training after marriage ;) **** She'd have to get out of it once she's married though :)**** Arsalan, oh my goodness... are u saying u would make her get out of the army....lol...see thats exactly what im talking about the whole man and woman thing and the non-existant equality.......so i think u better find yourself a sistah u can control lol toodlez |
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| Harisa |
| 11/11/00 at 18:24:42 |
| What is up with u Muslim Brothaz and Muslim Sistahzz....the Bros wanna control the Sistahzz and u sisthazz are willing to be controlleddd..okk im getting disgusted by this wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh The only thing that calms me down is that i know that.... I WILL NEVER BE CONTROLLED OR TOLD WHAT TO DO BY A MAN...OR ANYONE ELSE... I HAVE MY OWN FREE WILL |
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| Moe |
| 11/12/00 at 00:03:26 |
| thanks for answering the questions guys! |
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| proudtobemuslim |
| 11/13/00 at 10:26:13 |
| Salam Harisa, I don't see how you can think that all the brothers want to control the sisters. What the brothers have given is their preference for a wife, and the characteristics they feel would make a good wife. They have also given their thoughts on what they think they would do in certain situations. Where has any brother given any indication that they will suppress their wives and make them conform to their way? I'm positive that the brothers would much prefer a wife that would follow all the Islamic rules on her own accord rather than through the pressure of the husband. If you are refering to Muslims in general then yes one can not deny that women are not given their proper rights in many parts of the world, but that is simply a misinterpretation of religion. Things like honor killings have no place in Islam. If you do research and ask some of the sisters (and even brothers) on the board they will tell you and explain to you that Islam is a beautiful religion for BOTH genders. Salam Uzer |
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| saifullah |
| 11/14/00 at 11:51:13 |
| As-salamu alaikum. Harisa, how do you see it as controlling? If you have a husband or wife. you would naturally not want them to do certain things. If i had a wife, she may not want me to do certain things, and she can request i not do them. I may also not like things she does, i may request she not do them. It is a mutual agreement between both people to act inn a way that both agree upon. Marriage is a bond, mutual understanding. Just because one does wat the other says, does not mean hes controlling her, or she is controlling him. Wa salamu alaikum |
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| Saleema |
| 11/16/00 at 13:33:21 |
| Saleema are you serious? How could you not like flowers? Don't tell me you would turn down chocolate too??? Assalamoalykum, I like flowers. I just don't think that if my husband brought me flowers everyday that it would be anything that exciting. That's just a waste of money! Now, he can bring choclate everyday! That's not a waste of money because I can eat that and satisfy my hunger. :) :) Oh yeah if he wants to bring flowers once every 6 months or something then that would be fine with me. I can accept that. If I wasn't married and some guy tried to impress me with some stupid flowers, I'd give them back to him. Seriously. Guys think that if you say to girls "I love You" and bring them flowers that that's it, you got them and you can do whatever you like and then discard them when you are done with them as if they are nothing but a piece of meat gone rotten. I have seen it happen to friends and I would never fall for such a thing. Even from brothers that you never would have thought would do such a thing. Use her up cuz she's legitamely your wife but not just living with you and then throw her aside. Or use her up even though you are just engaged and then brake off the engagement as if it was no big deal. There are other ways to show that you care and that's what really counts, flowers and candys and "I love yous" don't really count when it comes down to whether he cares about you. And Harisa there are so many things that I except from my husband but that doesn't mean that I am forcing him. The women have expectations and the men have them also. It's a give and take situation in any marriage. Every single marriage in the history of human kind has been like that and will continue to be like that. Even the people who date, they do the same thing, give and take, they have expectations of each other that they would like to see in the other. That's not called dictatorship. It's called understanding, mutual respect, and love. That's the kind of relationship that every individual has with everyone around them. In school, at the resturaunt, in public, in government.... You do this to make me happy, then I will do this that makes you happy--that's what it is. That isn't called dictatorship. That's the kind of relationship you have with your parents and your friends too. wassalam [/quote] |
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| kiwi25 |
| 11/16/00 at 15:19:28 |
| assalamu alaikum everybody, i just got in to this thread, and read everything, and i must say i was surprised by the brothers thinking a good time to get married is between ages 18 - 23, im not saying its wrong, i just always thought brothers would prefer like 25-27 or something like that i dont noe thats just me, another thing is i agree with saleema telling to harisa that marraige is about give and take and also ALOT of pateince as our Imam, Shiekh Mukhtar said: the first couple of years of marriage will need alot of sabr and understanding not controlling and so forth, but i hope inshallah you understand this, salam to all. nouha:) |
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| Harisa |
| 11/16/00 at 17:35:36 |
| YOU SHOULD ACCEPT EACHOTHER AS YOU ARE...AND NOT EXPECT EACHOTHER TO CHANGE...IF U DONT LIKE THEM DONT MARRY THEM....PEOPLE DONT JUST CHANGE LIKE THEY SAY ONCE A DOG...ALWAYS A DOG |
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| Safiya |
| 11/19/00 at 04:04:13 |
| slm [color=Red] saifullah where do you come from? origin? r u a bro or a sister? ayan is a females name in somali im confused [/color] |
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| Safiya |
| 11/19/00 at 03:29:13 |
| [color=Red] lightnin u r such a joker, u make me laugh so much :D!!! [/color] |
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| Safiya |
| 11/19/00 at 04:03:18 |
| [color=Blue] i have to say i wouldn't be very impressed if a brother gave me a love poem. perverted: i wouldn't get passed the first line without screwing it up and chucking it away... Not perverted: i would send a letter say that the poem was inapt and there r better means of doing this...(still wouldn't be impressed) is it not better to deal in the best of ways(ways u know that are permissable) and who is better than the one who deals in the best of ways (so naturally u would go for the person who does). anywayz i dont like the idea of 2 people who r not lawful to each other to be sending each other love poems... [/color] |
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| lightningatnite |
| 11/20/00 at 05:06:44 |
| Salam :) [quote]I would think that a guy who would bring me flowers everyday was crazy. I would regret marrying him. I mean, how corny! ... I like flowers. I just don't think that if my husband brought me flowers everyday that it would be anything that exciting. -Saleema[/quote] Does anyone notice an interesting progression here? I think at first Saleema was trying to play up to her hard image :) Pretty soon she'll be asking us to send her flowers :) [quote] Guys think that if you say to girls "I love You" and bring them flowers that that's it, you got them and you can do whatever you like and then discard them when you are done with them as if they are nothing but a piece of meat gone rotten.[/quote] Ouch! :) I know a guy who pressed some flower petals together in a book, dried them, and then wrote a poem to his beloved on them. Would you prefer that? I don't think all guys try to impress girls with flowers. Its more like doing something for her that will make her happy. So you really think flowers are cliched? I guess its back to the drawing board... :( [quote]i just always thought brothers would prefer like 25-27 or something like that-kiwi25[/quote] I think it depends alot on the person. Personally, I don't see marriage as this inevitable thing, but more like becoming complete. Allah the Most Merciful has made us so that the woman completes the man, and that the man completes the woman. As kiwi mentioned, a husband and a wife greatly influence each other, they become part of each other. :) Salam :) |
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| Kathy |
| 11/20/00 at 08:51:38 |
| slm Flowers, chocolates, poems are all nice. Most wives would be thrilled to find their husband at the door bearing these gifts. Not because of the item but because of the thought. When our husbands bring these home, we realize that they were thinking about us during their day. Alot of men have trouble verbally expressing their emotions. Once my husband surprized me with a washing machine... it was better than a dozen roses! |
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| lightningatnite |
| 11/20/00 at 10:34:21 |
| salam :) [quote]Once my husband surprized me with a washing machine[/quote] LOL! Hahahah :) :) :) Kathy you don't know how hard I laughed when I read that! |
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| Saleema |
| 11/20/00 at 17:30:51 |
| Assalamoalykum, Kathy were you trying to be funny? If not, it still was funny. :) I am laughing so hard right now. :D Come on people. Do you mean to say that if your husband brought flowers everyday that that would please you? That's a waste of money! It can be spent on needy people. Plus you would expect them everyday so what's the point? it will be no surprise. Repetition what a bore get me out of this hole, an empty skull filled with nothingness objects are just objects words are letters put together beneath the surface is another and yet another... nothing changes ok never mind. ignore that. I don't have a hard image. In fact I am very sensitive, in fact, too sensitive. :) anyway how would you know that? :) I haven't really revealed my tough side on this board because I don't have one.. :( my husband better express his feelings in some other way than some flowers! Otherwise... ):( Again, once in a while would be ok wassalam |
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| bhaloo |
| 11/20/00 at 20:10:08 |
| slm [quote] I haven't really revealed my tough side on this board because I don't have one.. :( [/quote] You beat up a football player and I haven't beaten up anyone, and now Kashif is laughing at me. :( |
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| Kashif |
| 11/21/00 at 04:26:02 |
[quote]slm You beat up a football player and I haven't beaten up anyone, and now Kashif is laughing at me. :([/quote] When i think of that, i remember that kid from "The Simpsons" who always springs up out of nowhere and laughs "Ha-ha" Kashif Wa Salaam |
| NS |
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| Kathy |
| 11/21/00 at 08:24:46 |
| slm The washing machine was true- and it made me very happy. One time he surprised me with a loaf of bread from my favorite market- it is those simple gestures that matter! He was thinking of me... |
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| Saleema |
| 11/21/00 at 09:51:26 |
| Salam, that was when I was little....i would never mess with a football player now. In fact i wouldn't mess with any guy. Brother Kashif don't laugh at bhaloo. :) See? I stood up for you. hmmmmmmm......... Kathy, If my husband bought me vegetables as a surprise, I wonder if that would make me happy? If it will, then me and you have something in common. :) |
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| Anonymous |
| 11/21/00 at 12:39:16 |
| Bismillahir Rahmaanir Raheem Asalaamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatullah. May Allah, in this life and the hereafter, greatly reward those of you who put so much time and effort into the making of this beneficial website, ameen. Jezakum Ullahu Khairan. I registered but still wasn't able to post under my screen name (AJ), so I'll just post under 'Anonymous'. Now for a bit of public relations and advertising for my old man: I noticed that there are quite a few folders dedicated to the subject of love/marriage. There is a new series of 3 books devoted entirely to this subject that you, whether married or single, are probably interested in. Based on the Qur'an and authentic Sunnah, these books cover everything from the courting process in Islaam, to prohibited sexual acts. 1 - The Quest for Love and Mercy: Regulations for Marriage and Wedding in Islaam 2 - Closer than a Garment: Marital Intimacy According to the Pure Sunnah 3 - The Fragile Vessels: Rights and Obligations between the Spouses in Islaam To learn more about these books or to buy them, you may visit http://www.kitaabsunnah.homepage.com/. Wa Salaam Alaikum. :) [color=green] [Moderator's Note: AJ send us an email, we'll reset your password. Click on "help" to get our emails][/color] |
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| h_m_r00 |
| 11/21/00 at 14:09:56 |
| Salaam Lightning you must be a great brother to your sister and a great person too if you think this way... Harisa..you are always angry..why?try:) to:) smile:):) why did not many brothers reply to lightning's post?do I smell chickens? :) Hiyam |
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| BrKhalid |
| 01/17/01 at 09:54:01 |
| Asalaamu Alaikum :) Okay I'm going down the serious track with this reply because I laugh too much as it is when I read this thread !! [quote]1. What age would you personally want to get married at? What do you think is a good age? [/quote] I think that's a tough one to call. When I was younger, I would have said early 20's but then I look back and realise how ignorant I was back then, I'm glad I didn't. I do believe though each person is different and what's right for one is not necessarily right for the other. There is wisdom why Allah (swt) allows some brothers to marry at an earlier time in life and others later. If push came to shove I would say a good age would be around 22-25 given modern day life. [quote]2.What about being engaged or getting married, just the nikah ceremony, but not living with your wife? and having the wedding later, like a walima and all the other rituals that different cultures have? [/quote] Personally I think the ideal would be to go through the proposal process and have the Nikah as soon as practical thereafter and for the husband and wife to live together. I'm not sure what the timescale is for holding the Walima after the Nikah but I guess a week after would be a good time to invite everyone. [quote]3.What would you do if a girl, muslim girl, gave you a love poem asking you to marry? Nothing perverted or anything like that? What if it was kinda perverted, then what? [/quote] Give it back to her and say thank you but no thank you. I don't think anyone would argue that its wrong for a girl to make a proposal but it has to be done via the proper channels (namely parents and guardians) As for the second part, you would have to question her intention for getting married. [quote]4. How would you feel if a sister approached you about marriage? What if she was older than you? What if she was in the army? A member of MAIM? [/quote] If she approached me directly, I would ask her to get her people to contact my people (oops I said I was going to be serious)…hmmm…I would redirect her approach via our parents. As for age, I don't think you can answer that generally because each specific circumstance will necessarily be different. As a rule though it shouldn't be a barrier to marriage in itself. There are Muslim Sisters in the armed forces??? [quote]5. And last, but not least, what do you think about interacil marriages?(I don't know what they are, but what do you think of them?) How about iteraacaialy marriages? What do you think of Saleema's spelling ability? Do you think we should chip in and buy her a pocket dictionary? (For the record, its i n t e r a c i a l) [/quote] Nothing wrong with them. Our elders tend to have more of an issue with them. [quote]6. Actually, this is the last one, those who think that "getting to know" the other person is important, how do you think that can be done within the limits of haya? [/quote] Hmmm…I'm not sure it is important and not certain that it can be kept within the limits of haya. Hence the wisdom in having the Nikah as soon as possible once all parties have agreed upon the marriage. (I'm assuming you mean the "getting to know" which is beyond finding out whether someone is a suitable partner) I observe that in some cultures its quite common for the guy to visit the girl at her parents during the period of "engagement". Not for me I'm afraid. As for the issue of "not really knowing your spouse", all I have to add is that all you can do is make the utmost effort to find someone who appears to meet your requirements and then put your trust in Allah (swt). Its Allah (swt) who puts the seed of love into each spouse's heart. All you do is make it grow thereafter. [quote]7. Actually, this REALLY REALLY is the last one, what are the top 3 qualities you'd admire in a sister? [/quote] Modesty..Modesty..Modesty [quote]8. Actually, this is REALLY REALLY REALLY..j/k [/quote] Okay that was the serious stuff, now my comments on other things in this thread :) Surprise gifts are good but it’s the thought behind them that has to be better. I mean what wife could blame her husband for *not* buying her chocolate in consideration of her figure ;) Not all guys are chickens, some of us are turkeys and last but certainly not least, I wanted this thread to reach its half century :) |
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| Anonymous |
| 01/21/01 at 18:14:26 |
| Assalamu Alaikum I am just a visitor to this site, but if you would allow me to comment on the admired qualities with an anecdote... once I was attending a wedding reception...there were a lot of good Muslims and Muslimahs there, but unfortunately it degenerated near the end with the introduction of loud music and some dancing by a few, you know, the kind you see at those unabashedly cultural weddings... call me conservative or whatever, but...personally I couldn't tolerate it, I felt so uncomfortable and sick to my stomach being there and had to leave the main hall...my friends, (who are all brothers better than me) who were with me were standing all on the outside of the gathering not participating, just talking, but none really wanted to leave the hall itself...luckily I convinced one brother to leave with me and just hang out outside the building... there was a group of sisters at the wedding, most of whom I know are really good sisters...they were pretty much doing the same, just sitting around...but as I was leaving, one sister was walking out as well when one of the other sisters sort of pulled her in to stay and asked where she was going...she pulled away her arm gently and replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, but I just cannot sit in there"...apparently she convinced the other sister to leave with her...only those two sisters and my friend and I left the hall... at that moment, the thought that entered my mind was that I want to marry that sister...I knew she was a good sister from other people, but I didn't really know her at the time... whether our respective decisions to leave were appropriate or not, what is essential here is that the sister and I were on the same page in this regard...in a future similar station, one could envision that when the music would start, the two of us would naturally just get up and leave, without having to explain or convince the other...so I mention this story because it spoke to me on our prospective spouses' qualities... all of us no doubt are looking for good pious Muslims and Muslimahs...the ones who have a good understanding of the deen and practice it...but as an advice to the brothers and sisters out there, we shouldn't forget to look beyond the generalities of Islamic practice, as all of us will tend to have these in common...the specifics and subtelties of our practice of Islam are what shape each us from the generic mold and make one person a good match for someone and not for the other... all of us want to excel in modesty, honesty, patience, generosity and all the other qualities...but for the vast majority of us, we will excel in some qualities and lack in others, and moreover, we will express and value a certain quality differently from how others express and value it... we see this in the Sahaba RA themselves...some were known specifically for a certain quality and often expressed it in a unique way... The subtleties in our expressions of moral virtues, or lack thereof, that we often neglect in our macroscopic view of Islamic character, are among the "little" things that one values most during marriage... I think I have probably stated the obvious, so apologies for my redundancy... May Allah reward the coordinators and contributors to this site. Wa aalaikum salam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatahu... |
| NS |
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| jannah |
| 01/21/01 at 18:19:24 |
| Ma'shallah brother that's so beautiful.. did you ever end up marrying her? |
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| BrKhalid |
| 01/21/01 at 18:46:13 |
| Asalaamu Alaikum :) [quote]The subtleties in our expressions of moral virtues, or lack thereof, that we often neglect in our macroscopic view of Islamic character, are among the "little" things that one values most during marriage... I think I have probably stated the obvious, so apologies for my redundancy...[/quote] You have to be kidding me? So very far removed from being redundant! Experiences shared can never be redundant :) |
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| Al-Basha |
| 01/22/01 at 02:56:20 |
| Salamu ALiakom, Well I know I'm a bit late in answering the questions Lightning put up but I'll answer anyway insha Allah :) As for free baklava, hmm that can be arranged if some bro's come visit me here in San Diego ;) [quote] 1. What age would you personally want to get married at? What do you think is a good age? [/quote] Age age age hmm? This is a tricky question, mostly because each person reaches a level of maturity required for marriage at different times. I have heard anything from 18 all the way to 30. I'd say 30 was a bit extreme to be waiting that long wa Allahu A3laam. [quote] 2.What about being engaged or getting married, just the nikah ceremony, but not living with your wife? and having the wedding later, like a walima and all the other rituals that different cultures have? [/quote] That's a good idea, but you probably don't want to prolong that more than a year, depending on circumstances. Then again they say absence makes the heart grow fonder :) [quote] 3.What would you do if a girl, muslim girl, gave you a love poem asking you to marry? Nothing perverted or anything like that? What if it was kinda perverted, then what? :) [/quote] Ah yikes, I'd freak out probably. I write poetry but umm not that kind :) Better idea is to save the poem(s) till after you are married. [quote] 4. How would you feel if a sister approached you about marriage? What if she was older than you? What if she was in the army? A member of MAIM? [/quote] Once again, I'd probably freak out heh. I think sending a brother or mahram is a better idea. I'm not saying it is wrong, but for me it would be weird, Allah A3laam. Older, hmm depends on the person, age is a state of mind i suppose. Army? Depends, sure a little military training is nice but then what happens if your wife gets mad at you and you forget to unload the gun before you go to sleep ... [quote] 5. And last, but not least, what do you think about interacil marriages? [/quote] Depends on the people involved. Depends on the persons upbringing, how the families feel about the idea etc. I've heard of instances where some families flat out don't accept the idea and some who are very comfortable with it. [quote] 6. Actually, this is the last one, those who think that "getting to know" the other person is important, how do you think that can be done within the limits of haya? [/quote] Limits of hayaa, lets see. Well of course going out alone is out of the question, definatly bring along a mahram. Umm hmm, this is a toughie too. I'm clearly not an expert on this issue :) Actually I honestly do not think there is an expert on marriage, unless you mean the fiqh/hukm aspect of it. [quote] 7. Actually, this REALLY REALLY is the last one, what are the top 3 qualities you'd admire in a sister? [/quote] Modesty, kindness and honesty. |
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| Arsalan |
| 05/15/01 at 00:59:02 |
| testing ... |
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| jannah |
| 05/15/01 at 01:16:01 |
| ok i think it worked.. another secret underground thread in the madina :) |
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| Arsalan |
| 05/15/01 at 01:20:59 |
| Ah! the good old days :) Where's lightning at? We need him back here. What's his excuse now? He's done with finals and graduation. |
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| bhaloo |
| 05/15/01 at 01:55:09 |
| slm how come it only says 2 responses? can that be fixed to say the actual number of responses? |
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| jannah |
| 05/15/01 at 02:06:49 |
| hmm arshad i tried but this isn't a real thread.. think of it as a ghetto cable hook up that taps into the real thing but isn't really :) |
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| Arsalan |
| 05/15/01 at 02:13:57 |
| [slm] Hmm ... I just re-read this thread. Asim, Kashif, you never answered the questions!!!?? :-/ |
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