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condition for marriage
Anonymous
02/05/01 at 19:34:40
as salam alaykum sisters, I hope and pray that all my sisters are in the best of health as well as iman, amin, i have a question to ask to my sisters, i'm a brother and insh'Allah one day i would like to get married, and i wanted to know the sisters response/advise if i was to put as a condition that my wife will not stop me from "adopting " orphans as long as we are capable.   For some parents rejected  a proposal on those grounds, and i would love to have to take care of orphans , for me it's a gift from Allah , please sisters your advices will be will much appreciated, Jazak'Allah khayr Alzinjibar.. sorry couldn't login..
NS

Re: condition for marriage
Malika
02/07/01 at 13:03:24
slm Brother while your intentions sound great there are many many aspects you have to keep in mind with regards to your 'condition': exactly what does "as long as WE are capable mean? Since you will be (I assume) taking care of the financial and housing and everything that comes with that.  She will be taking care of these orphans.  What about the natural children?  what kind of help will the sister be provided with?  I keep getting the image of the 'ol lady in the shoe'.  In the event of divorce who takes the children?  In the event of your death, what about these children?  While you have very noble intentions how much research have you done?  What you will be demanding from this sister is by no means little.  Perhaps you can elaborate on the care of these children?

Re: condition for marriage
Asim
02/07/01 at 16:53:26
Assalaamu alaikum, Brother I know you are looking for responses from sisters but I would like to say a few things. Putting a condition in a marriage contract is often a source of mistrust. Even though your intentions are good sisters will be skeptical because you can always wring their arm later if you disagree with them on a minor detail. Unless your families are very close, you don't really know the sister until after you get married. You will not know her perspectives, strengths, and weaknesses and whether she can be a good foster mother even if she agrees to the condition. And if you know her well then you don't need the condition in the contract. The purpose of marriage is to raise an Islamic family. The conditions are that the sister be pious and of good character. If you follow this then inshallah when the situation is right both of you will agree to take care of orphans as well. Besides, there are many other ways of taking care of orphans than bringing then to live with you. Sr. Malika raised some of the valid concerns that sisters may have.. Also, note that a contract is legally binding and Allah dislikes it when a contract is broken. You don't know what is going to happen in the future. There can be a zillion situations that may require a breach of the contract. It may even happen that your wife wants to take care of some orphans (as she agreed to at the time of marriage) but you don't! Think about it. Inshallah, as long as you have the best intentions things will work out for the better. Wasalaam.

Re: condition for marriage
Safiya
02/10/01 at 04:55:32
slm mashallah bro, i've always thought of that but not as putting it as a condition , thats just got me thinking,   thats such an excellent thing to do, try your best to achieve it, for there is excellent reward in it...i say go ahead and put it as a condition, may Allah reward well u for seeking that which pleases Him and bless u with a wife that seeks the same, ameen. waslaam good luck

Re: condition for marriage
Arsalan
02/10/01 at 19:16:46
Assalamu alaikum, Interesting comments Asim.  Would you say the same though regarding another condition that's often put by sisters in the contract? -- that the brother cannot take another wife in her lifetime.

Re: condition for marriage
se7en
02/10/01 at 22:57:26
What Asim said is exactly why I would hesitate to put such conditions in my contract, including a restriction on taking another wife.  Allahu a'lam what could happen, what situations could arise. I think most of the time sisters specify conditions in their contract in order to protect themselves from abuse and harm... for example, having something along the lines of 'if you physically abuse me, I have the right to a divorce' etc... and I think it's this same reason sisters put that restriction on polygamy, out of fear of harm and/or neglect... I think it's important that we protect ourselves in the ways Allah has allowed for us, but we should be careful that we don't take things into extremes... wAllahu 'alam wasalaam.

Re: condition for marriage
alzinjibar
02/16/01 at 16:07:47
Praise be to Allah the Lord of the worlds, and may His Blessings be upon His Our  beloved Prophet Muhammad(s.a.w.).. His family and His Companions    Dear respected sisters I agree with all of you but still one cannot use the same argument as for marrying another wife and therefore stating it a condition within the marriage contract, The reason I brought that up is because adopting an orphan is on different level of emotions than when a husband wants to marry another wife. I don’t know how many of my bro and sisters have been in a refugee camp and seen those angels trying to survive and grasp another breath as precious as a rare pearl. All of us when we talk we are conditioned by our respective upbringing, education, both secular and religious, the individual disposition of characters, the different understanding, due to our socio-geographic-ethnic background   and above all the school of life in which one evolved from childhood to adulthood, I would encourage everyone if they get a chance to go to a refugee camp anywhere in the world either to visit, and stay there a couple of days till it  sink in and we come to sense and feel it part of it , and or to volunteer for some times, and unfortunately when the time is up and one has to pack and go back, to ask within their heart , in the deepest recess of ones soul deep at night when all are asleep and a light candle is burning slowly on the floor of the tent , if truly they can stare at little Fatma or Mimy (Mariam)'s eyes  and say no I can't "adopt " you for xyz reason. I dare any one. I guess it all goes down to ones priority and how much we are ready to give, and often to sacrifice for that. As strange as it might appear one of the greatest pleasure one can be blessed with, is to hold the little malaika at night, shivering from a high malaria fever, and just comforting that soul till he/she sleeps slowly, and one is left to ponder over his own soul and the mercy of the Most Merciful. Yes it's true that a young couple might get married and they are both studying and working to make ends meet, or the couple might want to postpone having babies till they are both done with their studies and have a "normal" life style, not out of some egoistic desires to « enjoy life « till the kids come along, but rather they feel it will be better to wait till one has more free time to really cherish that baby and give them the best of oneself. But what if one has already no more studies (degree, mba,  Ph D) to do, but a normal 9-5 job, and spending their evenings at home and trying to make the time for ones family, the regular halaqas, and the greater family out there with the communities activities, youth programs, etch. What if their are at that level and what would hold them to adopt an orphan.   I can understand that in some cases it might be difficult, - health wise, maybe the spouse is in a difficult health situation and an infant is a demanding task on an emotional, psychological and physical state. - Because maybe the spouse has too much to deal with her own school etch. And maybe she prefers to be patient till she's done so that she will be much more free to give to her kids the nurturing home they deserve to blossom. - And in some circumstances financial situation might be a reason, because they have to toil to make ends meet and maybe they have family obligation and responsibilities to their families in their home countries or here. Or else they don’t have the means to go to a certain country and do the paper work for the baby and assume all the travel and other related cost, but the biggest reason is lies in each ones heart. it all goes down there, for every soul comes with his/her own blessings, and an orphan surely comes with blessing one cannot fathom nor encompass. Often in our times the husbands and it doesn’t matter which background they come from, nor education level, they tend Not to be very cooperative Nor supportive with either the family or home chores and above all the emotional support.  Us guys ( me first ) are more concerned and can spend a great length of time with our friends talking « man talk ” i.e. :Din and how it used to be and crying over the bygone days,  politics, « blasting the Muslims countries and most of their government, the IMF and what not, business, sports and the list goes on  for hours on end , as if we hold PHD ‘s in each field  and can teach a N Chomsky on the rhetoric’s of  the $ economy with it’s  world misery , but yet  in our delusion we lack the basic knowledge to invest some quality time in our Own homes, our own cocoons,  to make them a  better abode of Rehma and tranquility, an abode conducive towards the blue print of Islam.   Strange  but in the old days our grand parents used to say that in about every street in their home towns , they used to be adopted kids, all of them and including some of us grew up in places where at dinner time one could see a bunch of  kids sitting around a great copper plate all of them dipping their tiny hands and eating the same food, day in day out, many a times for some of them ,everyone will eat but not to their full and this happened all year long with smiles, happiness but above and beyond all , heart full of ukhuwa and love . I wonder in our Muslims communities in the west each and everyone of us knows how many kids adopted by Muslims  ????? Yet most of us here are better off then our fellow brothers and sister around the globe, the kids in the west are pampered beyond the norm, the closets are full to bust, the toys boxes are like balloon ready to spill the cave of Ali Baba and if they did, they’ll be shoved somewhere in the basement, garage, under the bed or wherever.  The dinner plates are full and the kids are picky and choosy, some of them wont eat till mum gets them a special brand of cereal or something else, while others some 000’s miles away are craving for a bowl of hot water with a bit of flour in it, as I said the plates are full but I guess the hearts are empty.  Yet we claim to belong to a religion which says that the one who adopt an orphan will be as close to the Beloved (SAW) as 2 fingers in the Day of Din. Maybe each one of us should take some time , just one evening, make wudhu , burn some incense , light a candle  , pray 2 rakas, and just seat on that prayer mat and ponder over the question of what is holding me, my heart, soul to go out there and help that 1 orphan and offer them what they didn’t have, love , care, compassion,  and a normal life.  And sincerely ask one self those questions, and above all beg Allah (swt) to open our breast for khayr and purify our hearts from whatever is holding us towards His (swt) pleasure. Many of us are not married yet and insh’Allah one day we shall be, and we should seriously think about adopting, at least, the very least give it some serious thoughts.   The reasons I said that is because most of those who are here reading this are people who truly care for their Ummah in one way or another, and they can make a difference tomorrow. May He (swt) who holds our souls bless you all and shower your hearts with tranquility ,May The  Most Compassionate, always help you in your endeavors for Him and His sake, guide you ever so closer to Him and His good pleasure, bless Your path with ease and gentleness, InshAllah! May His (SWT) infinite Peace and Blessings  be upon , the Holy and Prunelle of our eyes  Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w.) Your humble brother in Islam , Was-salaam NB: please dont forget the orphans and widows of Chechnya in u duas, for life is really hard in the cold and damp tents in Sputnik camps, your duas can make a difference, it can sparkle the candle of hope in the cold nights while little Fatima is sleeping in the warm hands of her mum whose eyes are asleep but  heart is awake , languishing in pain and sorrow, hunger and cold. I’m sorry for the typos or spelling errors, English is not my 1 nor 2 nor 3 language, Jazak’Allah khayr

Re: condition for marriage
savannah
02/22/01 at 12:18:23
wlm brother, I am new here to this messageboard, and have been a revert to Islam for over one year now. I am relieved to find other people who have the compassion for children who are parentless. I had been disappointed to find that many muslims seem to feel that they can only parent their own biological children. I had been brought up as Christian and had been brought up to believe that all children are a gift from Allah. I am glad to know that that issue is not one that i will have to force myself to change against my inner beliefs. Other than that i have found my change in lifestyle to be very easy, praise Allah (swt). As i am relatively new to Islam, i cannot say too much about conditions in marriage, but if sisters can put conditions that are extremely important to them, it should stand to reason that brothers should have the same right. As many other sisters have said here, if the sister is the right one for you then there will be no problem with your condition. May Allah bless you.
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