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url needed - marriage questions
Kashif
02/06/01 at 20:12:57
bismillah. assalaamu alaikum I came across an extremely good site a few months ago which had a section named "201 questions you may want to ask the brother/sister." Does anyone know where it is? Kashif Wa Salaam PS Don't worry Arshad bro, i'll find it for you buddy. PSS Just kidding, its for someone else. hehe
NS

Re: url needed - marriage questions
se7en
02/06/01 at 21:23:59
wa alaykum as salaam wa rahmatAllahi wa barakatuh, I don't know about that specific article, but I collected some questions for a packet I made for a sis.. you interested?

Re: url needed - marriage questions
Asim
02/07/01 at 00:24:24
Assalaamu alaikum, Here is the site: http://members.nbci.com/201Nikah/ Thanks to Google search. Wasalaam.

Re: url needed - marriage questions
se7en
02/11/01 at 01:38:28
as salaamu alaykum wa rahmatAllahi wa barakatuh, I've been asked by a few people to post the questions I collected. (just a note... men when marrying are choosing a wife; women when marrying are choosing an ameer.  So I think it makes sense for a sister to know who she's taking as her leader eh?  That's why there are so many things to consider...) The original "packet" I made included some posts from this board (like [url=http://www.jannah.org/cgi-bin/yabb/YaBB.pl/YaBB.pl?board=sisters&action=display&num=1248]Kathy's horror story[/url] about what can happen if a wali doesn't ask the right questions), some general articles about marriage, some advice from me (;)) and these questions: general questions: Why are you interested in marrying at this time? How would you describe yourself? What do you consider your greatest achievement to date? Describe three experiences you’ve had that you’ve benefited/learned from. What has been the hardest obstacle you’ve faced thus far in life? How has it affected you? If there was one thing you would like to change about yourself, what would it be? What are your goals for this life? What would you like to accomplish before you die? What are you looking for in a spouse?               deciding whether to marry: What role do you think parents should play in helping to select your spouse? What process do you want to use to determine whether you have found the right spouse? Phone? E-mail? Chaperoned or unchaperoned in person? How much time do you want to decide?        deen: What do you do to feel close to Allah (swt)? How to you hope to get closer to Allah (swt) through marriage? What do you want to improve about yourself Islamically? How many times per day do you pray? What about while at work? How much Qur’an have you memorized? To what extent are you involved in the Islamic community? Do you fast during Ramadan? How do you determine how to distribute Zakat? How do you give in Sadaqa? Have you been on Hajj or Umrah? When would you like to go? Are you affiliated with a particular masjid or Islamic group? How important do you think it is to only eat Halal meat? How important do you think it is for women to wear hijab? What about men? How do you like to celebrate religious holidays? Do you go for jummah prayers?           living as a Muslim minority: Do you have non-Muslim friends? What do you think Muslims should do on American holidays?     extended family: What do you think parents/extended family’s role should be in making important decisions: wedding planning, child rearing, vacations, where you will live? What do you do if there is a conflict between your spouse and your family? Are you comfortable living with extended family, particularly as they age? Are other accommodations possible? How much time do you anticipate spending with your extended family, in person or by phone? Would you describe the character of your family members? What have you learned from observing your family that you do or do not want to incorporate into your marriage?               profession: What career path do you plan on taking? Will both husband and wife work outside the home? Under what conditions would you be willing to move to further your or your spouse’s professional growth? How much time do you spend at work? How do you plan to balance time at work and time with the family? What kind of business functions will you ask each other to host/attend? Would you encourage/support the idea of me going back to school for advanced degrees? How would we support ourselves if we both had to be in school?               interests/activities: How do you like to spend your free time? How much time do you spend watching TV? What interests would you like to share with your spouse? How much time alone would you like to have? How do you feel about separate vacations? Business trips? Conferences?         social life: How much time do you want to spend with friends? By yourself? As a couple? How would you feel about your spouse having friends of the opposite gender?             where to live: Where do you want to live? Why? Will you want to live near your extended family? Do you prefer city? Suburb? Countryside? Do you want to live in the U.S. or abroad? How important is it to live in a large Muslim community?               children: How many children do you want to have? When do you think you’ll be ready to have children? How will you distribute responsibility for child rearing? Diapering? What do you think it is important to teach children? What is your view on raising children? Do you spank? To what extent would you be willing to utilize family members, friends, baby sitters or day are to watch your children? How will you ensure your children have a good Islamic education? What would you do if you could not have children? Do you want your children to grow up bilingual? In what languages?               money: How many personal savings/checking accounts would you want? Who should be responsible for paying bills? What about prior assets? How will you determine how much should be spent on the household?  On personal items? On charity? How much should either person be able to spend by themselves without consulting the other? How much should be paid out in mahr? Up front versus deferred? If we were on an uncomfortably tight budget, and your brother asked you for a generous loan for a third attempt at a start-up when the first two had failed, would you give it to him? What would be your top five criteria for developing a financial plan?                 last names: Should the wife change her last name? What last name should the children carry? house: How do you feel about cleanliness, neatness and housework? How do you feel about knickknacks and artwork? Who is responsible for work around the house? What are the household chores you are used to doing? Have you ever lived alone? Have you ever had a roommate? Have you always lived with your parents? How do you feel about pets? What are your preferences in terms of food? Mostly from your own ethnic group, or a more diverse palate? Only home-made, or also convenience or from restaurants? Meat or vegetarian? If we were both working and we both got home about the same time, would you expect the wife to always be the cook? How do you feel about smoking?                 differences: What are your pet peeves? How should disagreements be resolved? How do you act when you get upset? How would you go about making you spouse happy when s/he was feeling down? What would you want your spouse to do if you disagreed about something? What if the disagreement is over an interpretation of Islam? Who would be your choice of arbiters, or how do you feel about arbitration? How do you feel about marriage counseling?   monogomy/fidelity: What are your views on polygamy? What is your experience with families with a second wife? Will infidelity automatically end the marriage?                 culture: What role does culture play in your life? These are some more questions you should consider about your potential spouse: (1) What makes him angry and how does he deal with his anger?    Does he blame everybody but himself?    Does he stop talking to the person involved?    Does he bear grudges ("I'll get him back one day!" )    Has he ever physically or mentally abused anyone with whom he was angry?    Does he get angry when those who may be wiser disagree or suggest an alternative point of view?    Does he ever forgive those with whom he was angry?    (2) How does he behave during a crisis?    Does he blame everyone except himself?    Does he become hostile towards an uninvolved member of an ethnic group which is known to abuse followers of Islam?    What steps does he take to face and deal with pressure?    Does he remain optimistic that things will get better, and that after every difficulty comes ease?    (3) How does he feel about women's rights in a Muslim home?    Did he ever observe abuse from his father towards his mother?    Did he ever act to prevent abuse at home? How?    Did he believe that his father was always right?    Does he believe that all women deserve abuse?    How does he make decisions? Does he rely on his own wisdom? Does he consult with close friends?    Will he be willing to consult with his spouse on any decision?    Does he stick firmly to his decisions?    (4) How does he deal with money matters?    Does he save his money for the future?    Does he give money to charities?    When he decides to buy something, will he consult his spouse in making the decision?    How does he describe his own spending and attitude towards money?    (5) What does he expect from his wife and children?    How would he react if his expectations are not met?    What is his vision of family life?    Would he pitch in and co-operate in family chores and the upbringing of children?    Would he be willing to change to accommodate your views?    (6) What is his family like?    Is his family religious, or will you be the only one in hijab?    Does their approach to Islam differ from yours - will you be the only "fundamentalist" in a family whose Islam is more "traditional"?    If this is a mixed match, are his folks open to outsiders, or will you face clannishness and exclusion?    (7) What is his medical background?    (Many Imams in the US are now refusing to conduct Nikah until they see proof that the couple have undergone blood tests and been given a clean bill of health)    Is there any history of major illness in his family?    (8  What are his views on education of women and children?    Will he allow you to continue and/or return to education?    What are his views on education and schooling of children? If you have strong views on Islamic schools, home schooling, etc., find out if his views coincide with yours.    Will he take part in the children's upbringing and education? Will he teach them Qur'an?    (9) Where does he want to live?    Does he want to settle in the country where you now live?    Does he want to return to his homeland? Does he want to move to a new country altogether?    Will the family have to move frequently because of his profession?    Will he take your feelings into account when deciding where to live?    Does he aspire to a large and luxurious home, or will he settle for less? Does he want to live in the heart of the city, in the suburbs, or in an isolated rural setting? [i]  Day-to-day matters[/i]    Some of these are individual preferences - what may deeply concern some may not even be an issue to others, but if you have some strong feelings on a matter, it is better to get it out into the open before you make a commitment:    (1) Food:    Do you agree on the "halal meat" issue - some people will only eat halal-slaughtered meat, whilst others will eat any "meat of the Jews and Christians" as long as it's not pork.    Does he insist on only eating the food of his own ethnic group, or are his tastes more eclectic?    Will he insist on having every meal cooked from scratch, or will you be able to have convenience food or take-away on busy days?    Does he have some strong preferences for meat, or will you "go vegetarian" some days?    (2) Smoking:    Does he smoke? Do any of his family or friends smoke? Will he let people smoke in your non-smoking home?    (3) Going Out:    How does he feel about women going outside the home? studying outside? working outside?    Will he want to "check out" your friends and only let you visit those of whom he approves?    How does he feel about women driving?    (4) Pets:    Are either of you very keen to keep pets at home?    Do either of you have any allergies, dislikes, or phobias when it comes to animals?

Re: url needed - marriage questions
se7en
03/21/01 at 15:49:32
I'm resurrecting this thread for a sis who asked...

Re: url needed - marriage questions
Kathy
03/21/01 at 18:54:14
[slm] Thanks!
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