Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| my husband said abortion; i said no |
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| Anonymous |
| 02/14/01 at 18:11:43 |
| Salam alaikum, i am a new muslim. i got married to a muslim man a year and some months ago. i am now 4 months pregnant. he told me to have an abortion or he would leave me. he said he didn't want to raise a child in the US. (he wants to eventually move to KSA) and he said his parents would disown him if they knew i was pregnant. he told me that they knew we were married...then he told me they didn't know...then he said his mother knew. he said very cruel things to me like if i kept this child, i would be a b**ch and that it would be a crime. he also said that he hoped i died when giving birth. he told me abortion was halal up to 4 months, then i learned that is only if the mother is in danger (which i am not). i am now not sure what the rule is on that. he says i have no right to ask for a divorce, and he treats me like i'm a puppet. he doesn't teach me Islam anymore. he pushes it down my throat instead of showing me. before i became a muslim, i had a tough life. he always brings this up. he says he wants to marry somebody else because i was not pure. i learned that as long as i am sincere in my shahadah, all my past is washed away. i was very sincere and i still ask Allah for forgiveness for it today and every day. he says i should be kissing the ground he walks on for being with somebody like me and for him forgiving me for my past life. he hurts me when he brings it up because i want it to be non-existant to him as it is to me. i really don't know what to do about him. i feel like i am trapped because i am having his child. he told my mother that his mother knows i'm pregnant, but i am not so sure about that. please help me! |
| NS |
| Re: my husband said abortion; i said no |
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| tovbe2001 |
| 02/14/01 at 22:49:48 |
| Assalamun Aleykum... Having some kind of similar problem resulting from a big Sin and if I am allowed to say something just to that specific point, as far as I searched for my own situation, the Scholars of Islam doesn`t say Abortion is Helal before 4 months.And Allah knows best. Please stick on praying hard to Allah. May Allah help us and quide us in his way. Wassalam |
| NS |
| Re: my husband said abortion; i said no |
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| jannah |
| 02/14/01 at 23:04:05 |
| walaikum salaam wrt, He sounds like a total jerk! Sister you deserve much better. When you took your shahadah you became as sinless as the day you were born. Can he even say that much for all the years he lived? He doesn't sound like much of a muslim. If he claims to be one maybe you can get some of the better brothers in your community or family members who are sympathetic to you talk some sense into him. I think the same guidelines for choosing a spouse should be applied for you as well. He doesn't sound like a good muslim and he doesn't sound like he'd make a good husband or a good father w'Allahu alam. That's something you should judge for yourself and your unborn child. It is YOUR decision to be with him or not. Make alot of dua to Allah and Istikharah prayers. I pray Inshallah He guides you to what will be the best for you. |
| Re: my husband said abortion; i said no |
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| bhaloo |
| 02/15/01 at 00:00:38 |
| slm I am sorry to hear of the difficult situation you must be going through sister. Are there other Muslims in your community that can talk to him? Maybe the imaam of your community can offer some counseling? Someone once said (maybe it was on this board?) that the education of your children starts at the time you choose a spouse to marry, so choose wisely. I pray that everything works out for you and your family, insha'Allah. |
| NS |
| Re: my husband said abortion; i said no |
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| BrKhalid |
| 02/15/01 at 07:09:50 |
| Asalaamu Alaikum Sister May Allah grant you patience and perseverance in your adversity. As the others have said try and get some help from other Muslim brothers and sisters in your community if that's at all possible. Inshallah we will remember you in our prayers |
| Re: my husband said abortion; i said no |
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| Kathy |
| 02/15/01 at 08:42:33 |
| slm You are never trapped. Allah swt said with every difficulty there is relief. Now that you are pregnant all your life choices will affect your child. You are now responsible for another. You are in my heart and my duas. Feel free to e-mail me if you need. |
| In the Midst of Darkness |
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| AbuKhaled |
| 02/15/01 at 16:03:17 |
| Bismillah Al-Rahman Al-Raheem. Dear Sister from amongst the Ahl al-Qibla [People of the Qibla], <Salam alaikum,> Wa-alaikum assalam wa rahmatullah. I read your post and had to struggle to maintain composure and withold my tears. I pray that Allah (swt) blesses you with fortitude, courage, strength, resilience, resourcefulness, patience, wisdom, and everything else that you need to cope in such a situation. Know that your worth became priceless the moment you stepped over the threshold of the shahadah, no matter what man might tell you otherwise. As long as you are of the Ummah of our Beloved Prophet (saw), your 'ird [honour] is that of a noble woman, and no man, be he your husband, your father, your brother, your son, whoever, has the right to demean you in such a repugnant and vulgar manner. We beseech our Lord (swt) to Guide those brothers who exalt themselves above their womenfolk and do injustice to the cause of this magnificent Deen, wal iyadhubillah. Our Beloved and Ennobled Nabi (saw) was possessed of a haya [modesty] which - we were priveleged to hear on the authority of the Masters - exceeded the haya of the virgin girl in her private quarters, aware of the presence of her Creator (swt). The comparison was made with not a man, but a woman. And nothing in this splendid Deen is without reason. The fitra [nature] is no light thing when rendered in it's pure state. So let not your husband lower your rank, undermine your status, or diminish your station as a woman who made the best of choices, and chose to walk the path of La ilaha ilallah. <he told me to have an abortion or he would leave me.> What kind of a husband places his own wish above the wish of his wife, whom he is supposed to love for the sake of Allah (swt), and who has allowed him the honour of being the father of her children? Is this any kind of Islamic attitude for a husband to possess? Giving ultimatums to the bearer of one's child? A child which was conceived in an act of sublime submission to the 'amr [command] of Allah (swt), in the manner which He (swt) decreed. Is this of less meaning than what follows in the next sentence? <he said he didn't want to raise a child in the US.> Which is the act that increases proximity to ones Lord (swt) in this situation? Having a child which arrived before your plan to move came about, aborted? Or having the child and realising that one's plans do not always coincide with the plans that the One (swt) who knows what is better for him, Planned? What he wants is not what has come about, so is what he wanted more correct than what Allah ta'ala wanted for him? <he said his parents would disown him if they knew i was pregnant.> Why? Is what they want more important to him than what (i) their Lord (awj) has placed in his path, (ii) what his wife desires, and (iii) the rights of his unborn child? Moreover, which is the central issue for him here? That he doesn't wish to raise a child in the US, or that his parents will disown him? It seems to me as if he's just piling up reasons to try and convince you to do his bidding. <he told me that they knew we were married...then he told me they didn't know...then he said his mother knew.> The inconsistency smacks of desperation. One minute one things sounds like the best thing to tell you, then another minute something else sounds like a better story. Masha'Allah. Or maybe he's just losing track of all the lies? <he said very cruel things to me like if i kept this child, i would be a b**ch and that it would be a crime.> Thus far it seems as if the only acts of criminality have been by him, in the appalling and unjustified way he talks to you whilst he is supposed to be reflecting the noble maqam [station] of being a Muslim husband. The tactics of emotional blackmail, the refusal to give equal weight to what you want in this situation, and the utter ignorance which he is trying to fob you off with. Subhan'Allah, as much as his reasons for urging you to have an abortion are fickle, his whole approach is itself an argument for not having him as a father of your child. What kind of a father would a husband who so readily and uncaringly hurts his wife so, make? <he also said that he hoped i died when giving birth.> Astaghfirullah, may Allah (swt) protect and keep you safe. That is appalling and atrocious coming from a Muslim. Why the need to be so callous with his words? Does that just reflect how much he doesn't want you to have this baby, or does he address you in such a way about other, unrelated matters? Does he really mean that, or was it just invective? Is he willing to divorce you? <he told me abortion was halal up to 4 months, then i learned that is only if the mother is in danger (which i am not). i am now not sure what the rule is on that.> You really need to ask a faqih [jurist] or mufti, or someone of the requisite credentials to answer that. Whilst a hukm may be easier to come by, you really need a fatwa, for your situation has it's particularities. Many times when an unplanned pregnancy occurs, it is an initial shock, but then the couple reconcile themselves to it. I am wondering why he is so adamant? Will having a child in the US scupper the plans to move to the KSA (not that I'm suggesting that that is valid grounds for an abortion)? Is having an abortion so much better than having a child which spends some time in the US before moving to the KSA? Why the absolute refusal to compromise a plan? Something doesn't sit right here. <he says i have no right to ask for a divorce,> That’s odd. For it seems like he is giving you the right, by the abominable and totally unacceptable way he speaks to you, and is towards you. For example, if a wife hates her husband, it *may* be sufficient shari'i [legal] grounds for qul [a kind of "divorce" inititiated by the wife]. So he's hardly doing himself any favours here., if that’s his defence. I wonder though, is he willing to stay married to you if you do defy him? And is this issue a make or break issue for your marriage *from his point of view*? Because it is notable that whilst on the one hand he is employing every despicable tactic at his disposal to convince you to abort, on the other hand he is trying to suggest you cannot leave him. So, does that mean that if all else fails, he will concede to having the child? I presume he is not violent towards you, since you would likely have mentioned it along with the rest of the catalogue of his misdemeanours. Was he ever violent towards you prior to pregnancy? <and he treats me like i'm a puppet. he doesn't teach me Islam anymore. he pushes it down my throat instead of showing me.> Does he (still) love you? When did you start noticing things going downhill? Can you pinpoint why? What happened to his Islam? Did it disappear so easily, just by the conception of an unwanted child? Is Islam something which we just practice in the good times, and roll on submission to Shaytan during the bad? Doesn't he even know that this may be a Rahma [Mercy] from Allah (swt) who knows what his future holds? Whatever you do - and insha'Allah you won't - don't fall into the Shaytanic trap of hating Islam just because he tries to use it as a weapon to lord it over you, ma'adallah. <before i became a muslim, i had a tough life. he always brings this up. he says he wants to marry somebody else because i was not pure.> Not to give legitimacy to his pathetic and ridiculously redundant notion of your supposed "impurity" bothering him, but just for the sake of argument, did he know this before marrying you? If he did, why suddenly invoke it now as if that which wasn't previously an issue, now is? This again seems like a convenient excuse, not a valid reason. And how does him "apparently" wanting to marry someone else, fit in with claiming you don't have the right to divorce him? Surely if he wanted to leave you, he'd be giving you more avenues to leave, rather than closing doors to ways out? Unless I'm being naïve, and it is to do with issues like mahr [dowry] and what he might have to give you in the event of a divorce, which will affected by him divorcing you as opposed to you divorcing him. Another question I'm asking myself. If the only issue is the abortion, then why all this talk about remarriage? If he wants to remarry what is stopping him? And if that is his intent, why is it such a big deal if you go ahead and have the child? Or is it some stupid notion of cultural honour, that the child will be from his seed, so it's not enough that he leaves you, but you must also get rid of the baby too? Astaghfirullah, some brothers, really. It is about time many of us payed back the debt we owe our beloved Muslim women, if only to avoid a severe punishment one day by the One (swt) from whom that which takes place behind closed doors is never hidden. <i learned that as long as i am sincere in my shahadah, all my past is washed away. i was very sincere and i still ask Allah for forgiveness for it today and every day.> And don't pay heed to anyone that tells you otherwise, for this is known to the most unlearned of Muslims to be true. <he says i should be kissing the ground he walks on for being with somebody like me> And he reinforces that by the lovely adab he shows towards you, the warmth he manifests in wanting you to die, the care for your feelings in wanting you to terminate your pregnancy, the pleasant, cordial and Islamic manner in which he talks to you. Rather, he should be on his knees in sujood [prostration] to Allah (swt) for granting him the *immense* baraka [blessing], ni'ma [gift], honour and utter privelege to be married to a *pure* Muslimah. A Sister who has - wallahu ta'ala a'lam - no sins, for her record has begun anew. This is no small thing and he is the one who needs to be grateful! Does he even have *any* idea of the maqam [station] of such a woman in Islam??!! The closeness to Allah (swt) that such a woman has? And the incredible bounties that that brings to a marriage? Subhan'Allah, you are a treasure for him, and he treats you so!! Were it not backbiting I would call him a fool. Can you imagine the child coming from the womb of such a woman? The purity that surrounds it for those nine months. Subhan'Allah! So no my beloved Sister in Islam, don't allow yourself to be trampled upon. An ounce of your honour is worth more than many of us can hope to attain, wallahu a'lam. <and for him forgiving me for my past life.> Who is he to have the audacity to forgive when Al Rabb al-Alamin (jallathana'u) [The Lord of All the Worlds] has deemed that you are free from all past sins? Did he have a choice not to forgive you in the face of this?! <he hurts me when he brings it up because i want it to be non-existant to him as it is to me.> Don't fret about it Sister, your concern need be for the One (awj) who will account him and - insha'Allah - reward you (for your sabr [patience]) in recompense for this test. Yes, I understand how it hurts you, and we hope it is just his fury that is leading him to say such spiteful things, and not because he truly believes them in his heart of hearts. Perhaps it is the rust which becomes encrusted on the heart when one speaks so wickedly to those whom the Messenger of Allah (saw) granted the right of 'ird [honour]. Wallahu a'lam. <i really don't know what to do about him. i feel like i am trapped because i am having his child.> Does he have any good pious friends who can penetrate the smog of his unislamicness? What do you feel your options are? Do you wish to leave him if the option exists? If you determined that you did, would you still want the child? Can you see any way to bring this back on track? Does he have any interest in Islam (e.g. does he pray, read Qur'an, attend the masjid, etc.)? Is he at all practising at present? Do you have a support network, family, friends, who are there for you? <he told my mother that his mother knows i'm pregnant, but i am not so sure about that. please help me!> Does he get on with your mother? Do your parents and his have a good relationship? Who might he listen to, that you could turn to? My dear sweet Sister, I am more upset than able to be of much help. I know that however heard this must seem, there is a hikmah [wisdom] in it from Allah (swt), even if you are unable yet to see it. And wise is the one who can identify the ishara [indications] given to them. You have the strength of a Muslimah, and no brother should ever underestimate that, but moreso, neither must you. Allah ta'ala has emplaced within you something that us brothers can never know, so recognise it's presence within you. Don't let him erode it with the buffets of his thunder. Oppose his wickedness towards you with your exemplariness in retaliation, for as long as you have Allah (swt) on your side, no foe is indefeatable. As long as you continue to do what is Islamic every time an unislamic situation presents itself to you in the form of your husband and something he might say/do, you have the resource of taqwa to draw from, the armour of uboodiyah [servitude] to protect yourself with, and the good pleasure of Allah (swt) - insha'Allah - in your favour to answer your prayers, in the manner most conducive to your akhira. Forgive me my inability to contribute. At best I hope there was some small solace in these meagre and inconsequential words. I'm sorry for any errors, I wrote this in a rush, and with much emotion weighing heavily and affecting my better judgement. That which was good, and of the Haqq [Truth], was from Allah (swt), only the many mistakes were mine, astaghfirullah. The du'as of this brother are with you. Ma'assalam, Abu Khaled |
| Re: my husband said abortion; i said no |
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| Mona |
| 02/15/01 at 17:01:39 |
| Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatu Allah wa barakatu, Dear Sister, I am sad to hear about the difficulty you are experiencing. The brothers and sisters who replied have offered many words of wisdom, may Allah reward them. Please stay strong and reach out to others in your family and/or community who can intervene and help you. Your husband will come around insha'Allah with firm pressure and proper couselling. As dispicable as it may be that he desires to get rid of the fetus, you may want to give him one more chance to come to terms with Allah's will. Try to resolve it peacefully, wisely and mindfully. But, don't allow him to convince you of going through with abortion. Seek Allah's help constantly and know that whatever happens to you happens because of His will. You probably need a lot of help from other first time mommies since this is all too new to you. Try to connect with sisters in your community, insha'Allah. Try to be close to one or two who are trustworthy with personal affairs. My friend went through alot of hard times after her pregnancy because her husband did not want a child. He came around, alhamdulillah. With much love and dua's Mona |
| Re: my husband said abortion; i said no |
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| Jenna |
| 02/15/01 at 20:08:01 |
| Wa alaikum asalam Since your husband is a Muslim then he should know this ayah.... Say: "Come I will rehearse what Allah hath (really) prohibited you from": join not anything as equal with Him; be good to your parents:" kill not your children on a plea of want; We provide sustenance for you and for them"; come not nigh to shameful deeds whether open or secret; take not life which Allah hath made sacred except by way of justice and law: thus doth He command you that ye may learn wisdom. (S6 A151) _______________________________________________________ Now if he can find somewhere in the Quran/Hadith that says you can kill your children because of where you live...Then he has some say. Otherwise this Ayah over rules any thought of Abortion (because of where you live)..... Also for him to say those things to you (wishing death upon you etc).. is also against Islam. You are a Muslim women and you have rights to be treated like one. I dont encourage Divorce (only if nessecary) but dont let him tell you that you cant get one! Insha'Allah seek the advice of a scholar and If the scholar goes according to the Sunnah (i.e. your rights etc..) then Insha'Allah make the decision either he will stop or you will have to break free and look for greener pastures....... May Alah guide you in your decision and may it be best for you, your husband, and the baby Ameen. You are in my Dua's Sincerly, Jenna |
| Re: my husband said abortion; i said no |
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| Arsalan |
| 02/16/01 at 12:51:22 |
| Wa'alaikum assalam Anonymous, I have a couple of questions, if you don't mind answering: - When did you tell him that you were pregnant? - When did you accept Islam? - All these things that he said, were they said at a single occasion or at several dispersed occasions? I'm trying to understand your situation exactly before giving you any advice. May Allah give you Patience, and give your husband the Guidance. Wassalamu alaikum. |
| Re: my husband said abortion; i said no |
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| Saleema |
| 02/17/01 at 17:57:09 |
| Assalam ualykum, I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. Youu are in my duas. Sister, your past doesn't matter. Who's he to say you aren't pure? His actiond don't seem so pure to me. This might sound like a weird question, but is he a illegal immigrant? Or does he need what we call the green card or residence card in the US? I'm not suggesting that if that is the case that that might be the reason that he married you. But it might be something to consider and ask him about it. You don't seem to have a ligitimate excuse to abort the child. Not wanting a child in the US Or UK isn't a reason to abort your child. Don't listen to him on that. As for you staying with him, I don't know what advise to give you on that. But you do not deserve to be treated like this. Your past doesn't matter. Only Allah guides people to Islam. You had something pure and something very nice in you that Allah liked so much that he blessed you with Islam. Rely on Allah and put trust in Him. I hope this child will be a blessing and a comfort for you. Don't ever let anyone treat you like this, you don't owe him anything. No matter what he has done for you. Whenever he treated you nicely and showed you love and gave you comfort, those were your RIGHTS, you DESERVE that. What he has said to you now, all those mean and horrible things, you don't deserve that and he doesn't deserve respect and love for that. He hasn't done you any favors, remember you have RIGHTS. You have the RIGHT to practice your Religion Islam to the best of your ability. You have the RIGHT to be treated nicely. You have the RIGHT to make your own choices according to Islam. You have the RIGHT to demand that your husband shape up and start acting like a Muslim husband. You have the RIGHT to have a CHILD. No one has the authority on earth to take away these rights. No one. Be it your husband, the President or Mother. NO ONE. If you were here in Houston somewhere I could have given you moral support and perhaps even more help than that. But you are probably somewhere else. See if you can find an Imam to help you at the nearest masjid. wassalam Saleema |
| Re: my husband said abortion; i said no |
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| Slimer_007 |
| 02/17/01 at 22:35:06 |
| Assalamu Alaikum, Sister, i am extremely sorry to hear of your present condition :( May Allah help you in this situation and inshaAllah all will work out with you and your family! Ameen i got this email today, and it reminded me of this post, inshaAllah it will brighten up the whole problem and shed some light with the thought that NO matter what, Allah is by your side, and He is the best of planners and the best of aid! btw, sorry about the way the email is written, i know it has those squiggly triangle thingys, sorry! here's the email: Assalaamu alaykum all a beautiful reminder of Allah's Greatness and our weakness and need of Him, may we always turn to our Lord for help and no one else, Ameen. > The Shipwreck > > The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited > island. He prayed feverishly for Allah to rescue him, and every day he > scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming. Exhausted, he > eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect him > from the elements and to store his > few possessions. > > But then one day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his > little hut in flames, the smoke rolling up to the sky. The worst had > happened; everything was lost. He was stunned with grief and anger. "Allah, > how could you do this to me!" he cried. > > Early the next day, however, he was awakened by the sound of a ship that > was approaching the island. It had come to rescue him. "How did you know > I was here?" asked the weary man of his rescuers. > > "We saw your smoke signal," they replied. > ------ > > It is easy to get discouraged when things are going badly. But we shouldn't > lose heart, because Allah is at work in our lives, even in the midst of > pain and suffering. Remember, next time your little hut is burning to the > ground--it just may be a smoke signal that summons The Grace of Allah. |
| Re: my husband said abortion; i said no |
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| SuperHiMY |
| 02/21/01 at 15:03:19 |
THE CRACKED WATER POT A water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on each end of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, and while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk from the stream to the master's house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water in his master's house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect to the end for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do. After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you." "Why?" asked the bearer. "What are you ashamed of?" "I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your master's house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don't get full value from your efforts," the pot said. The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, "As we return to the master's house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path." Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and this cheered it some. But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load, and so again it apologized to the bearer for its failure. The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of your path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back from the stream, you've watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my master's table. Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house." |
| Re: my husband said abortion; i said no |
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| BrKhalid |
| 02/21/01 at 15:24:35 |
| Asalaamu Alaikum ;-) Wonderful story Br HiMY |
| Re: my husband said abortion; i said no |
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| Kathy |
| 02/21/01 at 16:58:35 |
| [slm] welcome back Himy- wondered what happened to you... Nice story! |
| Re: my husband said abortion; i said no |
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| chachi |
| 02/23/01 at 21:34:55 |
Salaam can somebody do something practical for he sis like put her in contact with a muslim womens organization in the US i mean it's all too easy to say go and see a imam! nice story himy..allah strengthened the faith with the weak ones..and marks the boundaries with the heretics..allah finds a use for everything |
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