Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Embarrasing question? |
|---|
| nadeem |
| 02/17/01 at 08:35:03 |
| Assalaam alaykum warahmatullah. Something that i am very confused about . Im hoping maybe some one here can help. either by email or posting. I hope no one minds, but i didnt know where else to ask this. If one is searching for a muslimah for marriage. Then looks do play p[art.Yes shaksiyah , deen and persona etc come first , but then i believe comes looks. But there is this 3rd category.Maybe im generalising but , women are less fussy about the 'figure' of a man than vice versa. Anyway, my esential questions is. How does one enquire in the most politest, islamic and moral way of asking about a sisters 'figure', 'body' or how fit she is ? (now ive gone red!) So its an attravtiveness question.. Please if someone can give me a decent response and advice or just tell me to fear allah! walykum salaam Confused bro, Nadeem |
| Re: Embarrasing question? |
|---|
| hayaa |
| 02/17/01 at 19:07:54 |
| wlm, Once you find someone your considering and if you haven't already seen her you can have one of your female relatives (mother, aunt, sister, or cousin) enquire about this to one of her female relatives (preferrably her sister/cousin). This could done in an appropriate manner. Just a suggestion, hope it helps Good Luck |
| Re: Embarrasing question? |
|---|
| princess |
| 02/19/01 at 11:33:39 |
| [quote]you can have one of your female relatives (mother, aunt, sister, or cousin) enquire about this to one of her female relatives (preferrably her sister/cousin).[/quote] as'salaamualikum :) i totally agree with that..i've had that happen to me..i didn't mind..1 time though..someone asked my height and weight, and guesstimated :o it's funny now..it was a smart idea, i guess :) more props to u for asking this :) it's better then staring @ whomever :) inshAllah, this helped :) ma'salaam ;-D |
| Re: Embarrasing question? |
|---|
| Tarar |
| 02/20/01 at 21:41:56 |
| Asalaam u alaikum I have no clue, but i think that sisters can answer this question better. Wasalaam Tarar |
| Re: Embarrasing question? |
|---|
| Kathy |
| 02/22/01 at 09:03:04 |
| slm Just a thought on looks. I am overweight. Ten years ago a brother took one look at me - and said no way to marriage. ( Didn't even talk to me) This past summer, my husband brought home a guest for dinner who was recently divorced. He really enjoyed dinner. After acknowledging our home life and son, he remarked what a lucky man my husband was! Yep- it was the same guy! Imagine his surprise to see who my husband's wife was! Tee Hee.... |
| Re: Embarrasing question? |
|---|
| se7en |
| 02/22/01 at 16:36:12 |
| wa alaykum as salaam wa rahmatAllah, "...True, beauty and charm is hard to resist, yet beauty does not last forever and does not guarantee you obedience and religiousness. Financial status is dynamic, and so is worldly status, yet religion strongly establishes a household, and it may be that through your intention of marrying her for her religion, the rest is given to you anyway. In another hadith, the Prophet [saw] said: 'The whole world is a provision, and the best object of benefit of the world is the pious woman.' Imagine! Nothing in this world is as valuable as a pious woman! This point has been stressed many times by Rasulallah [saw], who himself, when asked what three things he loved the most, mentioned a pious woman. [...] Abu Bakr once asked Rasulallah [saw] what was the best thing to be treasured, and he [saw] replied: 'the tongue in remembrance of Allah, the heart filled with thanks to Allah, and a pious wife who helps in virtuous deeds'. Look at how valuable such a woman is in the sight of Allah! How can a man live unhappily with such a person." Something to keep in mind eh :) I'm trying to think of a situation in which you would've never seen the sister before. If you only know the sister through interaction over the phone or online, I would suggest you meet her face to face (or face to wali, haha) because she can be very different from the persona she exudes. If this isn't possible, maybe you can subtly slip into the conversation a question about herself.. "the brothers are always makin fun of me because I'm so short, I'm only 5'7"... how tall are you? it'd be pretty sad if my potential wife could beat me at basketball." Hehe.. I dunno... usually aunties and brothers are brutally honest, so if you know any in her community, maybe you can subtly ask them about her. ok that was no help at all :) maybe some of the other brothers and sisters can help you out :) Kathy: the bro didn't deserve you :) wasalaam. |
| Re: Embarrasing question? |
|---|
| Anonymous |
| 02/22/01 at 16:41:26 |
| Salaam, I came across this a while ago. I think it's a must read for all unmarried brothers. ---------------------------------------- ENCOURAGEMENT FROM A BROTHER Assalamu alaikum for those of u who read the article "Choosing The Desired Wife", you might have thought that it was too much of a dream... if u did think that, then u better read this little nice story . I would like to humbly add my thoughts (i.e. my own opinion to this) When I started looking for a wife, my only intention was to find a muslima that could help me to become a better Muslim. After praying to Allah many times, I came to know that a Muslim brother in my area had an unwed sister. I was told that she was 7 years older than I was, had no college education, and had minor health problems. Despite this, I arranged for a meeting to discuss the possibility of marriage. When I met her, I was impressed by her modesty (she wore a real hijab that covered everything but her face). She was not attractive, nor was she rich. However, at the conclusion of our meeting, I felt comfortable with the fact that she was what I was looking for. After praying Istikhara, I felt confident that she was right for me. Our nikaah was performed only a few weeks later. Oh yeah, this was a Muslim wedding - the kind where the men separated from the women, we didn't have disco music or belly dancers or any other kind of kuffar stuff, there might have been one brother who was NOT wearing Sunnah, and we spent most of the time praying, praising Allah, discussing what a great blessing the responsibility of marriage was, etc. I think the total cost of the wedding might have been around $20.00 US (we held it in my brother-in-law's apartment). I had the time of my life!!! Despite the fact that she is very stubborn and argumentative, she is one of the best Muslim women a man could ask for. And I am NOT talking about the way she wakes me up in the middle of the night for tahajjud, the way she covers her face in public, the way she investigates every action that I do, the way she will stop talking to me if I dont read the Quran or go to the masjid every day. I am talking about her fear of Allah and love for the prophet Muhammed (SWAS). Not bad for a woman some people called ugly who has no college education or money. I wouldn't trade this woman for everything in the world. Many times when the discussion of marriage arises, I will hear one brother after another talking about how beautiful and educated they want their dream wives to be. Others will talk of love or family/racial pride. Fools... (with all due respect) In case some of you are confused as to why I am mentioning all of this let me tell you what I know (straight up)... A PIOUS WIFE IS YOUR STRONGEST DEFENSE AGAINST SHAITAN Marry a woman for whatever reason you want....... My dua' is with you all- Salamu Alaikum Iftikhar |
| Re: Embarrasing question? |
|---|
| chachi |
| 02/23/01 at 19:29:19 |
Hmm the majority of women akhi are average...whereas the majority of men are ugly! *lol* seems that way to me anyhow...a laughing average face is better than a sour beautiful face...heh heh heh |
| Re: Embarrasing question? |
|---|
| JustMe |
| 02/24/01 at 03:46:43 |
| Salaams Nadeem, I don't think you need to be shy about this. I mean most of the western world is based on advertising perfect modelos. I think you should try as hard as you can to find the perfect wife and try and try and try then find out that you'll have to compromise here or there. But if you really are looking for Beauty look deeper. Someone can shine beauty even when they aren't modelos by means of excellent communication and sharing of virtues. You may meet this person by accident but it would be geeky of you to hold your breath till you find what your fancies desires. THis is my first post so I would like to take this chance to thank the folks at jannah.org for making this place a real warm successful place. I would also like to thank the people who are reading and responding to the postings. Salaams, Peace. 'By the time man is in a state of loss except those who believe and do good works'.al-Asr |
| Re: Embarrasing question? |
|---|
| PacificBreeze |
| 02/24/01 at 19:25:49 |
| assalaamu alaikum, since everybody already said something great...i thought i'd just say, don't feel that shy about it...b/c i mean obviously it's one of the things that'll be asked sooner or later..and anyhow that is why the prophet saw encouraged and recommended one to see their future spouse to see if they are happy with the person..and to look at the wrist etc to see her physical traits ex how thin/not thin etc she is..and to create fondness if it was going to happen etc..so......everyone knows that question will be asked sooner or later...so either you could just jump on it and ask whatever's on your mind (politely) or see the person with their mahram when you've taken it to that stage... and ofcourse, i'm sure you're very aware of the reasons ppl look for a spouse and the one with the deen is the quality most recommended..however, that doesn't mean she/he shouldn't be pleasing to you re their physical traits..if you're particular, then so be it.. :) etc etc.. g'luck, may Allah provide you with a fulfilling spouse. insha'allah ameen. and keep us updated! :) wa salaamu alaikum & sunshine |
| Re: Embarrasing question? |
|---|
| PacificBreeze |
| 02/26/01 at 02:59:11 |
| akh nadeem: simple solution: ask for a picture. :) and insha'allah your concerns will be well answered. ;) |
| Re: Embarrasing question? |
|---|
| nadeem |
| 02/26/01 at 13:20:55 |
| Assalaam alaykum warahmatullah. Well, an exellent response and some very good points. Jazakallah khairun for that guys. But to be honest im not totally satisfied!!! But i think ill leave it at that for now....but im going to be really cheeky now and ask.... Are there any sisters from UK here ..that would maybe show an interest in marriage or are looking?? Do drop an email inshallah. !!! now im gonna hide myself!!! salaam alaykum warahmatulah Nadeem |
| Re: Embarrasing question? |
|---|
| princess |
| 02/26/01 at 13:35:04 |
| [quote]simple solution: ask for a picture. :)[/quote] as'salaamualikum :) NO do not ask for a picture..unless u're giving 1 of urself @ the same time ;) that's just WRONG! :) ma'salaam ;-D |
| Re: Embarrasing question? |
|---|
| nadeem |
| 02/26/01 at 17:07:12 |
| wrong or haraam? |
| Re: Embarrasing question? |
|---|
| Al-Basha |
| 02/26/01 at 19:08:58 |
| Salamu Aliakom, Pictures are good, but a lot of ppl have told me that sometimes pictures aren't enough or they aren't good at all. That may depend on if the person is photogenic or not. Nadeem there's a saying that I like to go by, Beauty is in the eye of the beholder And Allahu A3laam I think that goes for everything. One guy might not like the way that house looks but someone else might love the way that house looks. I use house as an example because I don't want to embarass anyone here including myself :) Wa Allahu A3laam |
| Re: Embarrasing question? |
|---|
| princess |
| 02/27/01 at 00:48:27 |
| [quote]wrong or haraam?[/quote] as'salaamualikum :) i would NEVER EVER EVER say something was halal or haram..i'm not qualified :) nor do i try to be..nor do i wanna be :) ma'salaam ;-D |
| Re: Embarrasing question? |
|---|
| PacificBreeze |
| 02/27/01 at 03:43:32 |
| assalaamu alaikum wr wb, why would pictures be wrong? ppl are always exchanging pics if they can't meet them at the moment..it's the closest thing to representing how the person looks like.. go ahead and ask for one..but ofcourse keep in mind that the picture might not best reveal the person in a nice light..that's why...if you're totally interested, you'd meet them in person etc...but a picture is and can be something to go by..just don't send or ask for one lol get a few if you can.. a "wrong" take to that could be, if you believe that pictures are haraam in the sense of mimicking the creator..i think that was the argument..so if you're not one of those...go for it.. ;) but ofcourse, it isn't fun and games..if the bro's serious..i think the pic might work better than just asking qs..? it's alot better than asking the gritty details which makes you sound so superficial...it's easier to say does she have a recent pic(s) available so that i can get an idea on how she looks like and i'd like to send one of mine as well etc etc...and get mutual reactions...whether it's a go from her side as well or not...rather than asking qs like "how tall is she?", "what's her skin color? fair? what type of fair?", "how much does she weigh?", "what color are her eyes?", "does she have a big nose or a small nose?" etc etc...cause i think asking detailed questions like that are quite offensive and annoying..a picture or meeting the intended in person would satisfy and answer most of those questions..etc etc so...you say you're looking for someone in the UK, are you? well..shouldn't that be posted in the UK section on this board? :P g'luck. ciao. wa salaamu alaikum wr wb. it is weird though if you're just on a hunt and ask to see so many pics etc..and it is a bit awkward atleast for the girls to have their pics sent...but i mean..what can you do? flying over is always better..but a pic is so much more appropriate than asking ridiculous and tiresome qs..so ask for it if you're pretty certain this person is someone you're quite interested in...for that serious or quite near serious stage. :) and while..for those who are quite into physical looks...this might be the cheaper way then hopping around everywhere just to see how a person may look like? but if you have no other choice..get them to send you a cool kodak moment..and you them...and more than one.. :P this way...you can somewhat alleviate that "not so photogenic" issue... :P but yeah, it wouldn't be fair..if you wont' send one of yours while asking for one! but i'm sure u were going to include urs unless if u were a cad. ;) both sides have the right to reject :P or accept each other. ;) although the whole phys issue is a sensitive one...you could ask and see what they recommend...that sometimes works better..this way if they're photoshy..you can mutually decide what's comfortable for both sides..? um...off coment..but...every muslim should know what's halal or haram..that ofcourse doesn't mean they have to or should make it up themselves lol but that they should learn and know what it is..since they are muslims and it is their obligation to know what to avoid and what to partake in..so they know their limits..their deen.. :) |
| Re: Embarrasing question? |
|---|
| Kashif |
| 02/27/01 at 06:38:05 |
| assalaamu alaikum wa rahmatullah Two of the issues that need to be considered are: - Is it OK to take photos? You may think its OK, but what if the sister is of the opposite opinion? - What will the sister show of herself in the pic? The opinion that i know is even at marriage interview stage the woman can still only show herself in her normal hijaab, i.e. you won't be able to see her hair, etc. I think you should arrange some visits to see the family. The first time let your mum & sis speak and see her, and you can sit with her brother and dad. That way they can get a rough report of what she is like, and *you* get to find out what her brother & father are like. I think you are recommeded to look at her hands? I suppose that is so that you can see from her hands if she is like a woman who is used to working (or a woman who you'll need to get a servant for) and likewise, you maybe able to determine from the shape of her hands how fat she is. But obviously looks are secondary to religion. Or even tertiary after religion & money ... hehe |
| NS |
| Re: Embarrasing question? |
|---|
| PacificBreeze |
| 02/27/01 at 08:30:54 |
| salaams, and also remem that all dealings should be done via her mahrams..and so whatever they've decided to go with.. anytime in btwn considering, proposing, "engagement", before marriage-> before the nikkah, you cannot see her w/o her hijab etc..so remem the awrah rule. it is only the hands and the face. so not merely an "opinion" but what is halal as she is a nonmahram for you..anything more than that isn't halal for you ..(incl her hair etc..if you're so intersted to see if she's got kinky or straight hair, you would be able to tell by her fam...) ;) i guess it depends on what exactly you mean when you say you're interested in how she looks physically or "body wise" b/c...you can't see much of that...except which was discussed earlier.. wa salaams. |
| Re: Embarrasing question? |
|---|
| JustMe |
| 03/12/01 at 07:57:54 |
| There are some really good muslim matrimonial sites like www.matrimony.org and/or www.matrimonial.com/MML You can narrow in by age, country, etc. I've found it non-confrontational at best and there are hundreds of ads to choose from. I would strongly advise one to e-mail, phone, and meet in person in that order but beware you are not acting on your loins and you are serious about it otherwise you may become a victim to the system or approach. Did this help anyone?? |
| Re: Embarrasing question? |
|---|
| Saleema |
| 03/12/01 at 16:58:34 |
Yep- it was the same guy! Imagine his surprise to see who my husband's wife was! hahaha..... too bad for him Kathy. :) wassalam |
| Re: Embarrasing question? |
|---|
| Kathy |
| 03/12/01 at 18:51:42 |
| slm Yeah- I was snickering and smirking too- I might have done a jig too.... |
Individual posts do not necessarily reflect the views of Jannah.org, Islam, or all Muslims. All trademarks and copyrights on this page are owned by their respective owners. Comments are owned by the poster and may not be used without consent of the author.The rest © Jannah.Org |