Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Scared and Confused |
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| Anonymous |
| 02/28/01 at 13:44:41 |
| Salaam, I never felt the need for posting before, but right now I really need to get this out. I have a problem. I am married and I feel really dissatisfied with my marriage. I really think my husband does not respect me as a person. He doesn't take my opinions seriously. He often comments on how I have it very easy....if I say I feel tired from the kids & house, he implies that I am being ridiculous. When we disagree on matters, he shows no consideration for me and insists that he is right. Often he gets argumentative but then claims he is not. Everything has to be his way, including the way I run the house. Sometimes it is easier for me to do things a certain way or in a certain order but he gets upset with me and implies that his way is the correct way to do things. I feel that he is not gentle and understanding with me but adamant and harsh. If I try to explain my feelings to him calmly, he cuts me off (actually, he usually cuts me off whenever I explain things). If I get upset and cry, he shows no mercy but rather gets more contemptuous or laughs at my distress. It isnt that he is a really bad husband. I don't want to give that impression because he does not always make his views so apparent. Mostly he is nice until an issue comes up. Like if I am completely doing everything "right" then he is very nice, but when I do one thing wrong, like leave a few magazines out or something, then he becomes upset with me entirely. I feel like his "love" is conditional; it is very variable and totally forgotten at times. I feel like he doesn't really love me in a real sense, but has an ideal that I must simply fit into, when I do it's good, and when i don't im terrible. He doesn't leave me room to be me. These things really bother me because I don't feel that he views me as a partner at all. I am simply a working entity. What really scares me is that I think I must be going directly to hell because I 1. am not doing my job correctly and 2. I feel like I am being ungrateful. Is it my right to expect respect? I have to listen to my husband, these matters are not religious but day to day matters. So if I don't listen to him then I am wrong. He is not required to meet my emotional needs; he is providing and not violent. Yet, I am ungrateful, I still want my emotional needs met. He is doing strictly his duty but I am not even doing that. Maybe I am buying into this american concept of equality and lack an islamic perspective. I see many wives who deal with more restrictive husbands patiently and do not really rely on their husbands emotionally. Maybe my emotional needs are a burden on my husband...if I am placing a burden on him, then I am causing him distress and sinning myself. I make dua that I can just be an obedient, selfless, patient wife but I can't manage this yet. I do my best and do not complain to anyone, but that is taking it's toll on me as well. Sometimes I feel that I am trapped in this world and ruining my chances for the next. I am sorry my post had to be so long. |
| Re: Scared and Confused |
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| Arsalan |
| 02/28/01 at 14:14:06 |
| [slm] Talk to him! If it absolutely fails (because he keeps cutting you off), write to him! Write something like you wrote in this post, except probably a little more detailed. Give him your writing, let him read it, and wait for his response. May Allah make it easy for you. |
| Re: Scared and Confused |
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| se7en |
| 02/28/01 at 17:09:10 |
| wa alaykum as salaam wa rahmatAllahi wa barakatuh, Your husband is human. Meaning he has weaknesses and faults and perhaps he doesn't see what he is doing to you. People are weak, every single one of us has defects and we make mistakes. We can often times be cruel, hurtful, and disrespectful even to those we care about and who mean so much to us. We often times are shortsighted, ungrateful for the good we have and we overlook the good in others. This is why our reliance is not on other people; our reliance is on Allah alone, the One who is free from all such defects and weaknesses. Seriously, He is the One we should turn to for guidance and help and solace, because anyone else we turn to cannot give that to us. This desire we have to be loved and praised and treated well is not something we can depend on others to do; we shouldn't turn to others for that because others always fall short of this task. More than that, your husband is a man. I'm gonna get in trouble with the guys for saying this, but for sure most of the guys I know are completely blockheaded when it comes to what a woman is feeling and thinking. My brother himself says his IQ might be ok, but his EQ (emotional quotient) is in the single digits. :) So I would definitely agree with brother Arsalan on the suggestion that you tell him what you are going through. He may not like what you say and he may lose his temper, but you need to tell him what's goin on in order to rectify the situation. He needs to understand that this is not trivial, that it is actually very serious and it is not something that should be so easily dismissed. I'm sure you know what the best way to approach him would be and in which he'd be most open to hearing what you have to say. That's definitely something you need to do because this is not your problem alone, you both need to come together and figure out how to fix this. It's not a sin to want to live an emotionally fulfilling life with a man that treats you well. But that's something difficult to achieve. Keep trying sister, but keep in mind that often times our lives are not ideal, and this life is made for tests and struggle. And lastly, my sister have sabr. Sabr isn't repressing your feelings or thoughts, but acknowledging that all of the troubles and difficulties we go through are for a reason, and we are undoubtedbly being rewarded for them, inshaAllah, if we are dealing with them in the right way. Know that every pain and hurt you experience, no matter how small they may seem, wipes away some of your sins. Perform a lot of salah, dhikr, and dua. Turn to Allah always and He will guide you and purify you and make things easy for you. Keep Allah in mind always and know that He has promised Jannah for those who strive in His cause and work to live their lives according to what He has asked. Know that after every hardship comes ease, and Allah is indeed with those who are patient. wAllahu 'alam. wasalaamu alaykum wa rahmatAllah. |
| Re: Scared and Confused |
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| chachi |
| 02/28/01 at 17:52:08 |
Salaam write him a note saying what you've said in the letter and send it with a rose to him..the rose will mellow the hurt.. |
| Re: Scared and Confused |
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| Anonymous |
| 02/28/01 at 22:01:57 |
| Salam'alaikum sister, When I read your post, I thought I had written a post during my sleep; I could have written the same! I can definitely relate to you, but things are starting to change lately. If you want to discuss about it, please feel free to write: safiya26@yahoo.com |
| Re: Scared and Confused |
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| Daud |
| 03/01/01 at 08:28:59 |
| Asalamu Alaykum, sister, 1. You should NEVER assume you are going to hell, for at least two reasons: you are then discounting Allah's immense capacity for Mercy and 2) remember, Allah has said everything can be forgiven except ascribing partners to Hu. So, you should put that out of your mind immediately. 2. There is a web site, www.islam-online,net http://64.29.210.216/english/index.shtml that has an online Islamic Counselor you can post concerns to. Perhaps you should try that and see what happens. I can tell you from my own experience, I have my own marital "issues" but I can tell you in all sincerity that I pray to Allah every day, and the situation improves every day. Perhaps Allah is testing you with this to see how you are going to handle it. I will remember you in my prayers. Wassalam, Br. Daud |
| Re: Scared and Confused |
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| Kathy |
| 03/01/01 at 09:14:11 |
| slm I think she raised an interesting question, also. If a woman is an ungreatful wife- and hell is filled with ungreatful wives, should the wife end her marriage in order not to be an ungrateful wife? On the otherhand- maybe her husband is the reason she can not be greatful. Sabr then? It is so hard to imagine that a wife will be unhappy for most of her life- just being patient. imagine being sad from now until you die. |
| Re: Scared and Confused |
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| UmmZaid |
| 03/01/01 at 11:27:27 |
| >>If a woman is an ungreatful wife- and hell is filled with ungreatful wives, should the wife end her marriage in order not to be an ungrateful wife?<< Maybe we're not understanding "grateful" as it applies to that hadith. What the Prophet, sallalahu aleyhi wa salaam, was referring to was women who constantly nag their husbands, who tell him he's not good enough as a husband, father, lover, or breadwinner. Women who don't care that he works hard. Women who don't understand whatever hardships he may face out in the world, who don't care about financial burdens that he carries. I don't think Anonymous does this, at least this is not my impression. It is not being ungrateful to expect that the husband might give some emotional support and comfort to the wife. I mean, yes, there is the textbook definition of his duties towards her, and emotional s upport is never listed as one of them, but let's be realistic here. Is any one of us some type of automaton that adheres unthinkingly to Islamic teachings, and doesn't have doubts, or emotions? |
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| humble_muslim |
| 03/01/01 at 11:59:44 |
| AA In general, I feel that muslims, even practicing and educated ones, have a double standard when it comes to these kinds of things. Whenever a husband has an imcompatible wife, people feel fery easy to tell him to dump her. When a wife has a husband who is causing her pain, be it emotional, mental, or physical, we say "be patient". IMHO, this goes against the Quran and the Sunnah. Here a few examples of the top of my head to prove this. 1. The ayat in the Quran that says that if women fear cruelty on the parts of their, they may get a khula from them. 2. The hadith of the Prophet (SAW) about allowing a woman to take money from her husband without him knowing, becuase he was stingy with her. 3. The ayats in the Quran that tell the wives of the Prophet (RA) that if they don't like the simple life with him, he will set them free in a handsome manner. Also, remember that marriage is supposed to be a protection from the fitnah of zina. It is obvious that the weaker a marriage is, the more likelihood of either partner drifting - nauoozahbillah. We should also remember that there are cases where the wife is the on who causes pain to the husband. This is DEFINTELY NOT one of these cases. From what I can read, the man in question is going against a number of injunctions : - The best of you is he who is kindest to his wives - If you dislike something in your wife, it may be that you like something else Sister, you are doing your best to be a good wife. For this reason alone, Allah SWT will Inshallah NOT Throw you into hell - "Allah does not put a burden on anyone greater than he can bear". I really think you need to sit down with your husband and explain to him EXACTLY how you feel. Men (especially me) have this thing that until women start shouting and screaming, they don't get the message. May Allah SWT help you , sister. Ameen |
| NS |
| Re: Scared and Confused |
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| PacificBreeze |
| 03/01/01 at 12:10:02 |
| assalaamu alaikum, i too was going to recommend that islamic counseling site which has crednetialed islamic counselors available to address and reply to each and every concern that you may have..masha'allah, some weeks back i had drifted on to that site and scanned the advice columns...they've really done a good job masha'allah, giving out sound advice and being there for you to contact. they're quite experienced with these issues, masha'allah. may Allah make it easy for you and change things for the better. ameen. sometimes you need another person you can address such issues with who can talk it over with the other spouse. take care wa salaamu alaikum |
| Re: Scared and Confused |
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| Zahra |
| 03/01/01 at 22:40:21 |
| slm dear sister, Believe it or not, what your going through is VERY common in many marriages. I think this results from a lack of communication. Communication is so hard to open and so, I recommend that you gradually work on reaching a stage where you and your husband are truly communicating with one another-telling one another how you are feeling while the other is actively listening and both of you are acting on your communication afterwards. Don't expect things to change overnight. Marriage is SO much work-it is literally something you have to put effort into for it to survive. What I think (and again, this is just what I think) is that perhaps, your husband is not satisfied in his own life and that is why he is constantly trying to prove himself-to prove that his ways are right and that he knows how to do things. This might stem from an insecurity in his ownself-which you have to deal with in his treatment towards you. I suggest that you really try your hardest to make him feel appreciated, loved, respected, and intelligent. Don't ever criticize him, scream at him, roll your eyes at him, etc. Sorry if this sounds corny, but make him feel like a man. When he is contented with himself,insha'Allah, he will be more merciful towards you and more willing to open up to you. Another thing, when you are feeling sad, your first reaction is probably, that you want him to come running to you and comfort you and tell you, "don't cry habibti" Well, as se7en mentioned, he's a guy and guys don't think like that. You have got to understand that. It is SO easy to misinterpret what is happening and to think that he doesn't love you when actually, it's only the fact that he doesn't think like you. When you have achieved strong communication in the marriage, you should tell him what you need when you are feeling sad and crying so that he'll know. Don't ever assume a man will instinctly know what you need-he won't. We only understand each other through good communication. Personally, I believe, that communication is the key to a happy and successful marriage, aside from taqwa(piety) of course. When you and your husband have a fear of Allah instilled in your hearts-you will automatically have more mercy for one another. This mercy opens the hearts and minds so that husbands and wives are willing to listen from one another and learn from one another. I pray that Allah, The Controller of the Hearts, places mercy and affection between you and your husband. |
| NS |
| Re: Scared and Confused |
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| Kashif |
| 03/02/01 at 04:25:15 |
| assalaamu alaikum wa rahmatullah Masha'allah, Zahra that was really good advice. There are many wise brothers and sisters here who give beneficial advice on marriage and have a good insight into how to deal with marriage problems. I think it would be a lovely idea if we could set up a page just to store posts from brothers and sisters on marriage advice, because this is a recurring issue. And some of these gems of advice don't deserve to be lost among the plethora of posts on this board. Kashif Wa Salaam |
| NS |
| Re: Scared and Confused |
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| Saleema |
| 03/02/01 at 14:28:45 |
| Assalmu alykum, Sister who told you that he does not have the obligation to fulfull your emotional needs? Both spouses have the obligations to fulfull each others emotional needs. wassalam Saleema |
| Re: Scared and Confused |
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| JustMe |
| 03/12/01 at 07:23:30 |
| Assalaam-alaykum Yall; I just want to let everyone know i gave some semi yet solid advice that is professional in script to this helpless but not hopeless muslimah lad of ours. Please remember me in your prayers also. alhamdolillah mashallah wa'salaam Maaz |
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