Tough Marriage Dilemma - Help needed!!

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Tough Marriage Dilemma - Help needed!!
Moonshine
03/17/01 at 17:16:33
Asl,

This was on another site and passed onto me to post here after the sister in need of dire help requested to do so(she doesn't have much time online)

From her post it is clear she is a good muslima and wants to do whats best and in accordance with Islam. So everyone please help her, it looks like shes in a real tough situation.
------------------------------------------------------
assalaam 'alaykum, i have a question about a very difficult
situation. It goes like this: I know someone who works in a bookstore. He is very religious and kind. I liked him very much and it seems he feld the same. But the problem here is
that he never made a step towards me to ask if i'm married or not. I know him now one and a half year. I waited and was
very patient. But that took to long, so a month ago i wrote him a letter. I asked him what was he up to and i explained the situation where we found ourself in. It was no loveletter
or something like that. i just wanted everything to be cleared up. Then he called me and he said that everything what i said in that letter was true, he had feelings for me
but the reason why he didn't take action is that he was convinced that i was married. He got convinced when i was going to my homeland on a holiday. I went to that store to tell him
that i was going to my homeland for two months, but i was intending to come back to say goodbey before i leave. But due to circumstances there was no time to go back to that store. Well, he was then going to tell me everything. That if there was someone waiting for me who wanted to marry me, that i had to say no.
But as i said i didn't go back. Two months later i went back to that store, wairing a djellaba and an engagementring on my finger.
He thaught to himself that it was too late, i was engaged and that he had to show some respect and keep distant.
That djellaba was because i went that day, friday, to the mosque,
and that engagementring was my nieces ring.
And because of some problems in my homeland, i kept distant and was very cool. Another problem was that he asked around and some people said that i was married. Well i have a niece
who is of the same age, we both are born in 1977 and we lived in the same street and our firstname and familyname are the same.
All those little things made this happen. So in his head i was married. When i wrote that letter it was ofcourse a big shock
to him and he called me. We talked for several hours. He confessed that he loved me from the first time that he saw me.
The same was for me. He already told his mother before i went for
a holiday that he wanted to ask my hand. Now in september he told his mother that i was married. So his mother, in december said to
him, that it was time for him to get married, he is 28 years old, and that there is nothing else to do about it, so he had to
find another girl. His mother said that his niece was a good potential bride. So in december he went and asked her to marry him;
Ofcourse she said yes. Three days before his wedding, i wrote that
letter and he called me. But he couldn't stop the wedding, cause everything was prepared. So he said that it was too late, and that
we had to go on with our life. He was going to try to make the
best of it in his marriage and i was going on with my life too.
Two weeks after the wedding he called me back and said that he
can't live this life, and that he had to stop it. But like I
said, he is very religious, and he's afraid of the circomstances.His wife is his niece, so she's family. And he has got no good
reason to divorce her, except that he loves me and i do too.I don't know if that's a good reason or not. I said to him that he had to ask around and i'll do too, so that's why i wrote you.
I'm not sure if this is good what we are doing, but we don't meet
eachother, only by phone, but still it's haraam, i think.  I want you to tell me what i have to do, has he got the right to divorce her or must he live with her.
A week ago he called me back and said that it's getting worse,
it went so far that he started to ignore her, that made him feel very guilty. He really doesn't know what he has to do.
There are no hadieth that we can rely on, that we know. I know
one hadieth, and that's of Zaid and his wife, he is good and she
is good, still, they got divorced and our Prophet saw married her.
What does that say, did i understand it wrongly? what were their reasons to divorce, i don't know. I hope inshallah you can answer me.
One thing i know for sure, that's that i really love him and he loves me, and i would do everything to make it halaal. If that
means that i have to get away from him, then i have to do that.
But i hope that that's not the advice you will give me.
I really need help. I can't find it by myself. I ask Allah swt every day for help and maybe inshallah you'll be the 'sabaab'
for my solution.
I hope you'll answer my question, i know you have a lot questions coming in. Please send it to my email that i wrote above and here: soumaya1977@hotmail.com
Jazakallahu Gheir
Assalaam 'alaykum wa rahmatullah wa barakatuhu
Re: Tough Marriage Dilemma - Help needed!!
Kashif
03/17/01 at 19:51:08
assalaamu alaikum

What has happened was Allah's Decree. The Prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam said:

Know what has passed you by was not going to befall you and that what has befallen you was not going to pass you by. And know that victory comes with patience, relief with affliction, and ease with hardship.

Does the sister in question want to RUIN another sister's life (if she hasn't already done so) who has been married only three weeks?

Can you imagine how distressed the married sister is feeling because her husband is shunning her in the first month of her marriage?

And what of the sister if her husband divorces her? Have you guys any idea how much trouble that the deflowered sister is going to have finding another husband?

Stay away from the brother, and stay far away from him. And do not be the cause for someone else's marriage breaking up.

This is self-destruction of the Muslim community, subhanallah!
NS
Re: Tough Marriage Dilemma - Help needed!!
Kashif
03/18/01 at 00:53:28
[quote]His mother said that his niece was a good potential bride.So in december he went and asked her to marry him; Ofcourse she said yes. [/quote]
OK its Fajr time, and it dawns upon me.. he married his niece? As in his brother/sister's daughter? [url=http://www.dictionary.com/cgi-bin/dict.pl?term=niece](check)[/url]

That would mean that the marriage is invalidated since the husband is the wife's maternal/paternal uncle - and that means that they aren't married

Or am i missing a vital piece of info here?
Re: Tough Marriage Dilemma - Help needed!!
UmmZaid
03/18/01 at 01:27:13
Salaam 'Alaikum

He is married to his NIECE??  I hope that is an error of communication... otherwise the marriage is totally, totally haram.  If the guy is religious, he would know better, so I'm thinking his cousin maybe???? Hopefully???
Re: Tough Marriage Dilemma - Help needed!!
Nazia
03/18/01 at 01:39:53
Salam,

I'm thinking she meant cousin's daughter.  Besides, she doesn't visit this webboard, so I doubt she'll be answering our questions any time soon :)
Take Care,
Wassalam
Re: Tough Marriage Dilemma - Help needed!!
Kashif
03/18/01 at 04:11:42
assalaamu alaikum

According to the wording used, it IS his niece because later she writes His wife is his niece, so she's family

OK I'll write to her insha'llah.

Kashif
Wa Salaam

Hey bhaloo did you notice in my second post above "OK its Fajr time, and it dawns upon me" did you get that? It dawned upon me at Fajr time.... hehe
NS
Re: Tough Marriage Dilemma - Help needed!!
PacificBreeze
03/18/01 at 04:35:00
salaaams,
well i say YIKES what a messsssss!!!! and gosh, he's already married now?

if it's such a big problem where he's ignoring his bride etc...and can't be 'true' to her now b/c of his tied up emotions with this other sis involved....well...first of all....doesn't she have access to a shaykh or an imam? and if it's such a big problem....and they totally can't shake it off...it'd probably be better for them two to get married...? or...... ;) if the bride doesn't mind being a cowife, then all's happy and well! :P and..maybe someone should talk to her...what if she's unhappy? ;)

moral of the story: don't listen to ppl who say someone's married b/c ALOT OF THE TIME, it's FALSE!!! get it confirmed by apporaching the person or the person's family DIRECTLY!!! second, if you're interested, then HURRY UP and propose or find out if the person is available...b/c there might not be a next time!

i know this one 'khalah' told us her story..how this guy never asked her...and then she asked him or told him or somehow mentioned it to him if he could find her someone..or wait..something like can he find out about this person b/c he proposed or something...something like that...and then that finally PERKED THE GUY UP..and finally proposed to her like i assume on the spot! ;)

p.s. zaid n zainab's reasons for grounds of divorce: not compatible..diff social/finan levels, households etc..
Re: Tough Marriage Dilemma - Help needed!!
Mona
03/18/01 at 11:43:53
Assalamu alaikum,

Kashif, it took you that long to notice?? I read the post last night and I was like wait a minute --married his niece?  However, I hesistated to reply right away.  In any case I would give the people 'some' credit in knowing about the invalidity of marriage to one's niece. Likely it is some misunderstanding or misuse of English. Hopefully by now you've contacted the concerned person and verified what she actually meant by 'niece'.

My point is the following. While I do see the wisdom of your advice to stay away, and agree for that matter on it being the most rational solution, I don't understand why you had to be so harsh on her and make her feel that -if she acted on her feelings, she will be solely responsible in causing damage for that muslim household.  I would have approached it differently in saying, well, she did give the brother a chance to think *before* his marriage -granted too close to the date of the ceremony.  He made the decision not to do anything about it then, when technically could have. Thus *he* should live with the consequences.  She, on the other hand, should see that she did not mean much to him then.  He is not even worthy of her agony.  Only then would I have advised her to wisen up, move forward and cut all contacts with him, and to rest assured that nothing happens or not happen without the will of Allah.

Qul lan yuseebanaa illaa maa kataba Allahu lanaa huwa mawlaanaa wa 3alaa Allahi fa li yatawakkali al-mu'minoonn [i][color=magenta]Surah Al-Tawbah, verse 51 [/i][/color]

9:51 Say: "Nothing will happen to us except what Allah has decreed for us: He is our protector": and on Allah let the Believers put their trust.


Just my thoughts.

Wassalam
Re: Tough Marriage Dilemma - Help needed!!
Moonshine
03/18/01 at 12:53:18
Asl,

Its so sad. I hate to see her suffer like this. This situation is extra-ordinary, at least to me anyway. She was so close, yet so far. That isn't something easy to get over.
They both liked each other, expressed their desire to marry and pursued the correct channels, but this confusion where he mistook her to be married when it was infact someone else with the same name, date of birth and with her wearing the ring. Amazing!

As stated it was Allah's decree and maybe Allah did this to make her stronger. She is being tested and her sufferring and hardship will be rewarded in the hereafter inshallah.

I don't think the brother could do much about stopping the wedding 3 days before, since everything was ready. He was obviously too absorbed in the preparations or contemplating marriage life to actually reflect on how much he feels for this sister. Of course he realised afterwards how much he still loves her.
Thats my opinion.

This 'neice' issue is certainly confusing. Maybe she meant to say 'her neice'.I'll try and found out more I've already been in touch.

wassalam
Re: Tough Marriage Dilemma - Help needed!!
Kashif
03/18/01 at 14:12:36
[quote]Assalamu alaikum,[/quote]
wa alaikum us-salaam

[quote]Kashif, it took you that long to notice?? I read the post last night and I was like wait a minute --married his niece? [/quote]
I wasn't feeling too good... i think there was a problem in the food i ate.

[quote]Likely it is some misunderstanding or misuse of English. Hopefully by now you've contacted the concerned person and verified what she actually meant by 'niece'.[/quote]
I hope it is a misunderstanding, and i'm waiting for a response from our sister.

[quote]I don't understand why you had to be so harsh on her and make her feel that -if she acted on her feelings, she will be solely responsible in causing damage for that muslim household.[/quote]
To tell you the truth i don't care about the feelings of a sister who as it stands is a single & unmarried person, kinda hoping for the marriage of her sister in Islam to break up. Would you wish that upon your own sister?

What i do care about is a sister whose whole life teeters on the brink of collapse based on the actions of her husband and more importantly of the other sister. The married sister is the innocent party in all of this.

OK I was harsh. But realistically if there is any chance of saving the first marriage i believe that the onus is on the unmarried sister to stay away from that brother. Don't return his calls, or his letters or anything. Perhaps the brother might come to his senses and tend to his own wife, after all, he is religious right?

NB. I'm not taking the brother's side here. He should have handled it better from the start.

[quote]I would have approached it differently in saying, well, she did give the brother a chance to think *before* his marriage -granted too close to the date of the ceremony.  He made the decision not to do anything about it then, when technically could have. Thus *he* should live with the consequences.  She, on the other hand, should see that she did not mean much to him then.  He is not even worthy of her agony.  Only then would I have advised her to wisen up, move forward and cut all contacts with him, and to rest assured that nothing happens or not happen without the will of Allah.[/quote]

I think your approach is better than mine. But i'm becoming increasingly annoyed at hearing of practising brothers and sisters getting involved in these situations.

And Allah is the Best Disposer of Affairs.

Kashif
Wa Salaam

PS. Having to read this story after looking at *some* of the opinions in the thread regarding sisters proposing to brothers, i wonder if anyone is surprised?
Re: Tough Marriage Dilemma - Help needed!!
BrKhalid
03/18/01 at 16:13:35
[slm]

Is there an answer to this problem that will leave everyone happy? I can't help but think that whatever the outcome some one will get hurt:(

As has been mentioned, I don't think we should forget about this sister who has got married and is completely oblivious to what her husband is doing.

Isn't talking to the sister on the phone even more serious now that he's married?

Personally (and I stress this is completely my opinion) if the brother feels he honestly can't continue with this marriage, then he should tell her and ask for her consent for a divorce. I just can't see how its right to continue with this behaviour whilst he's still married.

If he isn't prepared to do that, then he should give up any hope he has of being with this sister and be content with what Allah [swt] has given him.

As for the sister, I don't think there's much she can do. She has to decide whether she really wants to break this marriage up to get this brother or whether she should show patience and accept what has happened and forget about him.

I'm not trying to belittle how the parties involved must be feeling but to coin a phrase you have to make decisions with your head and not your heart.

Not sure how much help that all is, its just very sad all around I'm afraid.
Re: Tough Marriage Dilemma - Help needed!!
jannah
03/18/01 at 18:52:10

[quote]
PS. Having to read this story after looking at *some* of the opinions in the thread regarding sisters proposing to brothers, i wonder if anyone is surprised?
[/quote]

Kashif what are you talking about???  If she had made her interest known in the beginning ie proposed interest to him, none of this would have happenned right? But because the girl can't do that due to cultural restrictions or whatever she waited for a year and a half, waiting and trying to figure out how he felt until finally she sent that letter -- and then it was too late!
Re: Tough Marriage Dilemma - Help needed!!
Mona
03/18/01 at 20:47:26
Assalamu alaikum,

Just quick brief comments on the later posts.

Kashif, sorry about that latent realization comment, it was dumb of me to say. I appreciate your acknowledgment of "my approach".      

Khalid, you are right, someone(s) will get hurt.  However, I would advise against any mention of divorce.  I mean, based on what did those two decide that they 'love' each other?  They could not have truely had any grasp of what this word means by just admiring each other from a distance, and observing superficial behaviour. What guarantee do they have that if they act on these adolescent feelings and go ahead and get married, they will live happily and develop a close loving relationship?  Love (in Islam) is something that is conceived and nurtured within a sanctioned relationship. It is not sparks and stars as displayed on movies.  This is of course not to mention the damage that this unfortunate divorce (Allah forbid) will bring to the unsuspecting newly wed sister and the problems that it most certainly will create between her's and her husband's (related) families.  A little responsibility and foresight are expected from all parties concerned.

Jannah, but how do you know that the brother wouldn't have been turned off/offended if she proposed directly ealy on?...i.e. he could have had what you call 'a big ego' and changed his mind upon the direct/bold approach of the sister.  There are no guarantees.  

At any rate, I hope no one is mad at me, I didn't mean to offend.

wassalam
Re: Tough Marriage Dilemma - Help needed!!
Arsalan
03/18/01 at 23:35:33
[slm]

"I went to Pakistan this winter to attend the wedding of my male cousin ... interestingly enough, his wife is also his niece!"  

This statement was on my lips for nearly a whole month when everyone was asking me, "what did you do during the winter break?"

No.  My cousin did not marry his sister's daughter.  He married his cousin's daughter.  In desi culture, your cousin is your sister!  And thus, her daughter is also your niece.  All my cousin's daughters and sons call me Arsalan Mamoo (Uncle Arsalan).  I know this is not Islamic, but this is how it is!  

As far as advice to this sister, I'd do that to her personally insha Allah.

Kashif, to respond to your P.S., I would have to ditto Jannah on that one.  None of this mess would have happened in the FIRST place IF the sister had approached the brother on day one, when she felt that he was a good enough brother for her.  I would add, though, that she SHOULD have used an intermediary to do so, instead of approaching him herself.  That letter that she sent after so much time should have been sent earlier.

ANYWAY, it was decreed to happen and thus it happened.  Now it's a test for them both, especially because they seem to be good Muslims otherwise.  May Allah make it easy for them.

The wife of the man is getting nothing but reward for all this, especially if she's been patient through it all.

Pacific Breeze: Your advice really hit me, and I think it IS the moral of the story:

if you're interested, then HURRY UP and propose or find out if the person is available...b/c there might not be a next time!

Wassalamu alaikum.
Re: Tough Marriage Dilemma - Help needed!!
JustMe
03/19/01 at 04:34:54
Thank you for posting Moonshine it is truly a pleasure to do whatever we can!

>>>>And he has got no good
reason to divorce her, except that he loves me and i do too.I don't know if that's a good reason or not<<<

Personally, I don't believe that no one should look for a REASON to get a divorce.  If LOVE is the bomb and we can't see beyond that that commitment of a marriage Holds for two people then that leads to a problem.

>>>>But he couldn't stop the wedding, cause everything was prepared. So he said that it was too late, and that
we had to go on with our life. He was going to try to make the
best of it in his marriage and i was going on with my life too.
Two weeks after the wedding he called me back and said that he
can't live this life, and that he had to stop it. But like I
said, he is very religious, and he's afraid of the circomstances<<<

It seems to me that its hard for me to feel very upset in this situation.  This was all due to innocence and unfortunateness and bad luck.  This could have been easily resolved if the person decided to NOT go ahead with the marriage plans even if it was just three days before.  He must have panicked and in that moment felt forced to go ahead with whatever was "Required" of him.  Unfortunately, I'm sorry to say that he didn't know what was in fact Required of him at the moment.  Maybe if he thinks back to what is now "Needed" of him then he "Should" (I'm not saying he will) but he "Should" consider one of two possibilities:  a) not to feel bad if he does divorce her  or b) not to feel bad because he doesn't divorce her.  In other words his job should be one of 'carelessness'.  At the moment he is disappointing not one but two people.  And is he gonna live with himself when making either choice (if he cares enough i.e.).  And going back to the Bomb or Love.  Does it mean that one cannot make mistakes in their life even if it is a big one as it is of getting married with the wrong person?  or has the marriage been decided on forced terms thus nullifying the idea of a contractual concept within the marriage itself.  What do they mean when they or 'he' says that the marriage is getting worse?  Could it mean that the marriage has ended for all practical purposes OR has the search within himself just begun to emerge that his decision was based on a rush rush let's get marriage "THING" about and on with.  Was he truly working on his laurels or just something out of ignorance being that is his zeal for religion.  Religion can misguide too.  and he should have thought of this then.      I  MUST say that Marriage is all that's left in today's society i.e. a "Perfect Marriage".

                  Sincerely,  
           I hope No One gets hurt.


T R U E  B L E S S I N G S

however, I'm quite confused myself.  If it was me I'd probably let the sexuality of my wife bring me closer to her and that intimacy shared in bed when its lawful under marriage bring me closer and closer to her instead of any 'other' person for any reason whatsoever!!  but this is just me.  I'm very stubborn.  I wouldn't devalue my wife just because of some flukish mistake of will and bad luck.  However, your wife might just feel like an object to you roaming about without any emotions or feelings for each other.  In that case
there should be open and honest communication to break down any barriers existing talking about all of what's been going on.  You can't keep talking to your "real love" that's no mistaking---called CHEATING!!  In any case, you must be faithful its a requirement from Allah(S) and I hope ALL of us ALL of us exhort you in this direction for if we don't then we are leading you towards the fire.  IT should be of utmost importance to be true to yourself in this matter.  You can't keep fooling yourself by believing and preaching when you can't even practice what you preach.  From what it sounds like there will be dire consequences if you divorce your own family member from her and your family period.  But if that Bomb i.e. Love shoots to kill then I guess so be it.  
Alhumdolillah, I hope I've convinced you to give marriage a chance not because it is Important or because it is the basic unit of society but because its the right thing to do.  THere is and never will be a substitute for Righteousness in our lives.  Take this opportunity to immerse yourself in a deep dwelling one that your wife has waiting for you if you will give her the opportunity to do so.  I hope ameen that all's well with you and your wife and I hope your feuding or your miscommunication and lack of feeling for each other ends immediately if all the better now.  Maybe you're not doing anything to spice up the marriage like for instance, just the most simple thing comes to my mind and that is to look into her eyes and keep it there locked in her presence with hearts beating awaiting for every morsel of emotion to pour through with love and adherence for each other.  Maybe try that yeah look into those dull eyes of hers and discover its not that dull after all.  You have to want to.  You have to care to.  She probably loves you and needs reciprocation from you.  Don't hold back because of some girl who thinks you're all that.  That's the problem you're letting her sweep through your senses and thus not allowing you to make an Islamic choice of preserving a contractual agreement.  At this point I'm convinced you can work things out with your present wife if you can't look at her eye to eye ask a marriage counselor to help you.  It'll be well worth it in the end.  Marrying within your family has unbelievable amounts of benefit because it can really bond the family closer. and as Muslims living as minorities relatives are the closest things we have to take care of for each other.  Think back there must have been some reason for you to have stuck with your guns on the Marriage idea.  Something about family.  Something about keeping your promise(s).  That Love thing has all to do with how someone makes you feel superior in all ways but believe me that's not what you need from the person not married to you.  Don't ride that wave too high and immerse your ego with self-worth when that self-worth is being derived from illegitimate means.  There was and definitely was this fantasy thing going on that lost love who "REappeared" in flesh before you when you got that news.  I'm not saying deny the reality of your feelings just don't let it lead to anything.  You can legitimately and naturally feel for someone in some unusual way but not necessarily fall for them.  Adhere to my advice and read up in that bookstore or wherever about the merits of marriage and the disenchantments of divorce from the Islamic perspective.  Inshallah your search for a Perfect Marriage will be fruitful since you are 28.  

My Salaams---- and I apologize of the length of this reply for those having to sort through it all.  You're free to keep contact with me if you wish.
Best of Luck!  INshallah things will workout.  I'm sorry I wish! I had some wiser thing to say on this situation but I think this situation really needs a lot of WORK and not just philosophizing and lecturing and preaching.

Wa'salaam
Maaz.    
Re: Tough Marriage Dilemma - Help needed!!
zakk
03/20/01 at 07:37:11
slm,
well my advice would be this.  First of all, there is no point (for the sister)in looking back and seeing what went wrong because it has happened and looking back will only bring her more pain than answers.  Now is the time for her to look ahead.  I would suggest that she turn away from the brother b/c he is married and that is his issue to deal with; she should not complicate things by staying actively involved, and staying involved only increases the sin potential (not counting the whole married-but-looking part to begin with).

Turn to Allah.  Make dua that the situation will be resolved in the best possible way for all parties and then try to be patient and trust Allah.  It sounds to simple, I know, but really that's all there is.
Re: Tough Marriage Dilemma - Help needed!!
Saleema
03/21/01 at 12:39:41
Assalam ualykum,

Tell that sister "Do unto others what you would have others done unto you." Tell her not to mess up someone else's wedding. It's happened. She can't do anything about it.


Personally, I wouldn't trust any guy that would call me behind his wife's back to express his love for me. He could do the same with her.

I feel sorry for the married girl more than the guy or the unmarried girl.

She should tell the guy that he needs to stop all communication with her and be faithful to his wife. And if he won't be faithful to his wife then she won't be the one who will do that to her. Maybe Allah will reward her with someone better inshallah.

And what's the 'love' stuff? I find it hard to believe that someone can fall in love without even knowing the person at all. She hardly said anything to him and they call this love? If that's love, then that's real sad cuz love shouldn't be so shallow.

wassalam,
Saleema
Re: Tough Marriage Dilemma - Help needed!!
Kashif
03/21/01 at 17:26:19
assalaamu alaikum

OK good news everyone (at least a little bit). The brother married his cousin and not his niece.

So, the sister is asking for some advice now. And i would like to send a response to her in 24 hours insha'llah. So please list below your advice that i should give her. In kind words that is.

Kashif
Wa Salaam
NS
Re: Tough Marriage Dilemma - Help needed!!
humble_muslim
03/21/01 at 21:27:22
AA

My advice : if you are assuming that you cannot find happiness by marrying someone else, you are wrong.  The man is taken now, forget about him, and concentrate on finding another good muslim to get married to.  Inshallah Allah will bless your marriage.
NS
Re: Tough Marriage Dilemma - Help needed!!
Nazir_Ismail
03/22/01 at 15:13:26
I dont wanna sound harsh, but what on earth was this brother and sister thinking? If they had feelings for each other, and spoke for long periods several times, why didnt they sort something out?

And why did the sister go to the bookshop wearing the ring? She knew the brother would assume she was married, so why did she do it? She could have taken it of, the ring that is.

This is the sister and brothers own fault. They had ample oppurtunities to sort something out. Now its too late. The brother is married, but wants this other sister. And the brothers wife, is an innocent party in all this, and what if she's deeply in love with her husband? This is destroy her, if he left her for another women.

This is what happned when you allow muslim men and women to mix. Even on the internet, feelings can develop. I think brothers and sisters should learn and realise that they canot have this kind of loose contact with one another, as what may seem like nothing much can end up having devastating consequeces, as in this case.

I think the Brother, if he's not happy, then should end his misery and get a divorce and marry this other sister.

I think its cruel and aweful on the innocent third party in this, as she would not have got involved with this brother if she knew he had feelings for this other woman.

How aweful life is, and how stupid some things we do. If only they decided to marry before he got married.

As muslims you dont need to beat around the bush. If you have feeling s for someone, then SAY SO. Dont hide it until its too late, then jump out with it ruin other people's lives.

How aweful a situation. I wouldnt wish that on annyone.
Re: Tough Marriage Dilemma - Help needed!!
chachi
03/25/01 at 15:26:26

Another way to look at this is does he Love his wife?
Maybe he will spend the rest of his days regretting being married to her
I have a cousin who had a really bad wife , he did the 'decent' thing and stayed married now he's
in his 50's and he has grown up kids who are like their mother who has now divorced him and this poor guy is a wreck physically he looks like a corpse .
People who are decent and empathise with others frequently get taken for a ride and are leached by the needs of others..
If we spend all our lives thinking about others we end up dead. Perhaps this is why the psychological illness rate for asians in the uk is skyhigh
Anyway the reason i'm so angry about the issue is because i'm facing something like this myself..
It's all very well saying the past is over..but in real life the past is NEVER over it haunts you again and again until you are psychologically broken

How many mistakes are you allowed to make?
Can anybody tell me that the good thing for the wider community is always good for the individual

How many tree's must scream at the woodmans axe
because only the forest matters?
Re: Tough Marriage Dilemma - Help needed!!
BrKhalid
03/25/01 at 17:24:28
Asalaamu Alaikum ;-)

[quote]It's all very well saying the past is over..but in real life the past is NEVER over it haunts you again and again until you are psychologically broken[/quote]

I'm not sure what the above relates to but I wanted to pick up on this point of being "haunted..again and again".

If we relate it in respect of some transgression committed by a Muslim, a sincere repentance will eradicate this sin and there would be no need for this continious looking back. Its over and done with and its time to carry on.

Hence no need to keep beating yourself with a big stick and forever looking back at the past. If people fail to realise this, they lay themselves open for who knows how many years of torment.

Once again, I'm not talking specifically about the situation above but just making a general comment.



Re: Tough Marriage Dilemma - Help needed!!
Saleema
03/25/01 at 17:26:09
Assalam ualykum,

Chachi, but maybe his wife is nice, we don't know that, but this guy has his attention on someone else. who told him to marry if he couldn't keep a committment?

The only innocent person in this situation is the married girl, I feel bad for her. may Allah help her and provide what's best for her.

wassalam
Re: Tough Marriage Dilemma - Help needed!!
Anonymous
03/28/01 at 16:01:24

Assalaam 'alaykum,

I'm the one who wrote that mail about my dilemma. I'm not used to speak
english, so i mixed niece with cousin, i'm sorry.

I want to thank everybody for their replies. I thank you all from the
bottem of my heart, May Allah swt grant you all with paradise inshallah.

Assalaam 'alaykum

leave him alone!
Anonymous
03/29/01 at 13:35:33
Assalaam 'alaykum,

The letter you replied on was mine. I'm not used to speak english in
daily life, so that's why i make a lot of mistakes. I didn't mean niece,
i meand cousin.

I liked some answers, but at the other hand, i didn't. It's like you
give me the fault of all the things that happend lately in my life.

I would never approach a guy for no reason. The letter that i wrote to
him took a long time before i found the guts to send it.

It seems that you see me as a homebreaker, that i go after married men.
You don't even know me.
But that's ok. I understand.

Still it hurts, the way some people replied on my letter.

I do want to tell you all that it's over. I mean, i still love him, but
i wouldn't be able to live with him if he divorces his wife, the guilt
would be too great.

So we said goodbey forgood.

I thank you all for the answers, but i don't want you all to think bad
about me.

Assalaam 'alaykum
Re: Tough Marriage Dilemma - Help needed!!
Mona
03/29/01 at 14:49:26
Assalamu alaikum,

Sister, you did the right thing by resisting the waswasah [whisper] of shaytan and respecting your fellow sister-in-Islam by choosing to act so responisbly.  Al-hamdolellah.  As we say in Arabic, "Al-kheerah fee ma ikhtarahu Allah", or "Good is in what is chosen/decreed by Allah".  There is more khair for you insha'Allah in another Muslim man who will become your loving husband.  

Insha'Allah the pain and worries will wear off with time.  I urge to move on forward and keep productively busy with acquiring more Islamic knowledge, something that everyone including myself should spend more time on.

Wassalam
Mona


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