Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Advice to Brothers, from a Husband |
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| Learner |
| 03/22/01 at 19:34:54 |
| slm :) No no, don't be shocked, I'm not the 'husband' giving advice here ...I don't have any [u]W[/u]orries [u]I[/u]nvited [u]F[/u]or [u]E[/u]ver yet so I'm still enjoying the 8-) life. Anyway read on before I get into more trouble... After getting almost grilled for my last thread in the ikhwani section by some Madinites ;-D(not mentioning any names - the :-) :-) :-) :-) s know who they are ;) j/k) ...I thought I'd post some 'nice' stuff about our sisters and our treatment towards them as I promised. Here is something that really touched my heart when I read it and moved me - literally. I pray to Allah (swt) to give me and all my fellow brethren the thawfeeq to fulfill our obligations towards Him and His servants. Ameen. It was originally titled "Advice to Husbands, from a Husband." By getting married you are not just getting a wife, you are getting your whole world. From now until the rest of your days your wife will be your partner, your companion, and your best friend. She will share your moments, your days, and your years. She will share your joys and sorrows, your successes and failures, your dreams and your fears. When you are ill, she will take the best care of you; when you need help, she will do all she can for you; when you have a secret, she will keep it; when you need advice, she will give you the best advice. She will always be with you. When you wake up in the morning the first thing your eyes will see will be her. During the day, she will be with you, if for a moment she is not with you, physically, she will be thinking of you, praying for you with all her heart, mind, and soul. When you go to sleep at night, the last thing your eyes will see will be her; and when you are asleep you will still see her in your dreams. In short, she will be your whole world and you will be her whole world. The best description that I personally have ever read describing the closeness of the spouses to each other, is the Quranic verse which says: "They are your garments and you are their garments" Indeed, spouses are like garments to each other because they provide one another with the protection, the comfort, the cover, the support, and the adornment that garments provide to humans. Just imagine a journey in the winter of Alaska without garments! Our spouses provide us with the same level of comfort and protection, cover and support in the journey of our lives on this earth as garments would do in the Alaska journey. The relationship between the spouses is the most amazing of all human relations: the amount of love and affection, intimacy and closeness, mercy and compassion, peace and tranquility that fills the hearts of the spouses is simply inexplicable. The only rational explanation for these most amazing of all human feelings is that: it is an act of God. Only God Almighty in His infinite power, boundless mercy, and great wisdom can create and ingrain these amazing feelings in the hearts of the spouses. In fact, God is reminding those who search for His signs in the universe, that these feelings in the hearts of the spouses are among the signs that should guide humans to His existence. As He says in the Quran: "And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves that you may dwell in tranquility with them and He has put love and mercy between your hearts: verily in that are signs for those who reflect." But the human heart is not a static entity, it is very dynamic. Feelings can and do change with time. Love may wither and fade away. The marital bond might weaken if not properly cared for. Happiness in marriage cannot be taken for granted; continuous happiness requires constant iving from both sides. For the tree of marital love to remain alive and keep growing, the soil has to be sustained, maintained, and nurtured. Therefore, here are a few tips on how to keep the tree growing: In our world, we live a hectic life surrounded by tight schedules and bombarded by deadlines. For couples, this means that you might not find anytime to spend together, alone away from the endless work commitments. You must never allow this to happen. Try to periodically secure some time for do some special activities alone away from the rest of the world. Remember that our Prophet Muhammad (saws) had found the time to go out to the desert and race with his wife Aisha (ra). She outstripped him but later after she had gained some weight, he outstripped her. Do go out with her regularly and frequently to do all sorts of activities: go to the mall, visit family and friends, go to the mosque, have picnics, etc. Remember that the Prophet (saws) took his wife to watch the young Ethiopians playing and dancing their folk dances. Always keep some romance in your life. Modern life has almost transformed us into robots or high tech machines without emotions. Show of emotions is necessary to keep the marital bond away from rusting and disintegrating. Remember, that you will be rewarded by God for any emotions you show to your wife. As the Prophet (saws) said: "One would be rewarded for anything that he does seeking the pleasure of God even the food that he puts in the mouth of his wife". Never underestimate the importance of seemingly little things as putting food in your wife's mouth, opening the car's door for her, etc. Remember that the Prophet (saws) used to extend his knee to his wife to help her ride her camel... Try to always find some time for both of you to pray together. Strengthening the bond between you and God is the best guarantee that your own marital bond would always remain strong. Having peace with God will always result in having more peace at home. Remember that the Prophet (saws) gave glad tidings for those couples who wake up at night to pray together. The Prophet (saws) even urged the spouse who rises up first to wake the other spouse up even by throwing cold water on his/her face. Always try your best to be good to your wife by words and by deeds. Talk to her, smile to her, seek her advice, ask for her opinion, spend quality time with her and always remember that the Prophet (saws) said "the best of you are those who are best to their wives" Finally, it is common that spouses vow to love and honor their spouses until death do them part. I do believe that this vow is good or even great, but not enough! It is not enough that you love your wife. You have to love what she loves as well. Her family, her loved ones must also become your loved ones. Don't be like my colleague who was unhappy about his wife's parents coming to visit for few weeks. He candidly said to her "I don't like your parents." Naturally she angrily looked at him straight in the eye and said " I don't like yours either!" Also, it is not enough that you love her until death do you part. Love should never end and we do believe there is life after death where those who did righteousness in this world will be joined by their spouses and offspring. The best example in this regard is the Prophet (saws) whose love for Khadija (ra) his wife of 25 years, extended to include all those she loved and continued even after her death. It was many years after her death and he never forgot her and whenever a goat was slaughtered in his house he would send parts of it to Khadija's friends and whenever he felt that the visitor on the door might be Khadija's sister Hala, he would pray saying "O Allah let it be Hala." Love your wife and love what your wife loves not only until death but until you be together again in the next life Insha-Allah. wlm :) :) :) :) :) |
| Re: Advice to Brothers, from a Husband |
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| Noura |
| 03/22/01 at 18:42:14 |
| wa alaikum assalaam warhmatullahi wa barakatuh, br abdullah... how can any sister not smile after that. jazaka Allahu khair br learner. sr noura, |
| Re: Advice to Brothers, from a Husband |
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| Zara |
| 03/23/01 at 07:17:35 |
| Salaams :o :o :o You sure a bro wrote that?? j/k Subhan'allah... :) :) :) Wasalaam Zara |
| Re: Advice to Brothers, from a Husband |
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| Nazir_Ismail |
| 03/23/01 at 09:23:01 |
| awww Learner you softie! sob sob!! that was so moving! |
| Re: Advice to Brothers, from a Husband |
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| Nazir_Ismail |
| 03/23/01 at 09:27:00 |
| Assalaamu-alaikum Learner my dear brother, those things are only true if your lucky enough to find a wife like that. If only all women were like that, if only all brothers were like, this ummah would be as strong as a mountain. |
| Re: Advice to Brothers, from a Husband |
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| Mona |
| 03/23/01 at 09:59:12 |
| Assalamu alaikum, [quote]Learner my dear brother, those things are only true if your lucky enough to find a wife like that.[/quote] Really??What exactly should a wife be like to [i]deserve[/i] a good and considerate treatment by her husband? If you mean that following the sunnah of our beloved prophet [saw] and his companions radiya Allahu 3anhum in being kind and loving to one's wife and family is contingent on "the goodness of the wife" -whatever your definition of that may be- , you are grossly mistaken my brother. We are instructed to be good and kind to all [i]especially[/i] the ones who are close to us. There is absolutely no excuse/justification for ill (not even mediocre) treatment or neglect of one's spouse, whether it is the wife to her husband or vice versa!! Wassalam |
| Re: Advice to Brothers, from a Husband |
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| Nazir_Ismail |
| 03/23/01 at 10:02:05 |
| Mona who were you referring to in that message? If it was me, i did not say anything about our wives having to "earn" respect or good treatment from thier husbands! |
| Re: Advice to Brothers, from a Husband |
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| Arsalan |
| 03/23/01 at 12:49:58 |
| [slm] [quote] She will share your joys and sorrows, your successes and failures, your dreams and your fears. When you are ill, she will take the best care of you; when you need help, she will do all she can for you; when you have a secret, she will keep it; when you need advice, she will give you the best advice. She will always be with you. When you wake up in the morning the first thing your eyes will see will be her. During the day, she will be with you, if for a moment she is not with you, physically, she will be thinking of you, praying for you with all her heart, mind, and soul. [/quote]Do they exist??? Where??? |
| Re: Advice to Brothers, from a Husband |
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| Mona |
| 03/23/01 at 16:37:32 |
| Assalamu alaikum, [quote]Do they exist??? Where???[/quote] How insulting! :( |
| Re: Advice to Brothers, from a Husband |
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| Asim |
| 03/24/01 at 15:28:47 |
| wlm [quote]How insulting! :( [/quote] Really?! The brothers have been dissed many times on the board. The good guys that we are we usually don't complain :) Ah come on sr Mona, Arsalan mentioned this in jest. The comments were meant to be food for thought. If you consider his questions in general though there is much validity to them. And they apply to both sisters and brothers. They are not a reflection on any particular group but a general reminder to all so that we can join together to rectify it. As for me, if I do find a land where such sisters exist I would be the first one to migrate, j/k :) |
| Re: Advice to Brothers, from a Husband |
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| Noura |
| 03/23/01 at 18:00:41 |
| assalaamu alaikum warhmatullahi wa barakatuh, i think the bro /sis debate needs 2 be put 2 rest |
| Re: Advice to Brothers, from a Husband |
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| Magableh |
| 03/23/01 at 19:42:58 |
| Assalamu Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu! AMEEN! :) Wa'assalam, Serena |
| Re: Advice to Brothers, from a Husband |
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| meraj |
| 03/23/01 at 20:01:44 |
| slm, i could be wrong, but i believe that this article is by abdullah adhami... mashallah, its very well written... inshallah, may we all be able to live by these ideals and inshallah find spouses who are devoted to them and Allah also :) but what do i know? im just a kid ;-D |
| much love all around.. |
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| princess |
| 03/23/01 at 20:40:19 |
| [quote]Do they exist??? Where???[/quote] as'salaamualikum :) if u pray for them..they WILL come, inshAllah :) It is He who created you from a single person, and made his mate of like nature, in order that he might dwell with her in love.. (7:189) [sigh] :) later langur ;-D |
| Re: Advice to Brothers, from a Husband |
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| hydrolicious |
| 03/23/01 at 21:42:00 |
| Assalamu alaikum :) They do exist.....alhamdulillah for them.....They definitiely do exist.....Yes they do....Oh boy they do.....Inshallah man......Alhamdulillah... Woo hooo.....They exist....Atleast i think so.... Wasalaams Langur ka baap |
| Re: Advice to Brothers, from a Husband |
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| meraj |
| 03/23/01 at 21:51:01 |
| slm, [quote] :) later langur ;-D [/quote] [quote]Langur ka baap[/quote] hahahaha oh man thats too funny... monkey see, monkey do ;-D |
| Re: Advice to Brothers, from a Husband |
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| se7en |
| 03/24/01 at 10:30:15 |
| as salaamu alaykum wa rahmatAllah y'all, This really is beautiful. I think it was written by br. Abdullah Adhami, like meraj said. If you want to meet a brother who understands women, this is the bro to talk to! I remember one conference, he mentioned how dangerous it is for sisters to become friends with brothers... because brothers tend to compartmentalize their feelings, and consider someone just a friend or someone they're seriously interested in, while a lot of sisters have this tendency of getting emotionally involved with anyone they confide and share things with... and he was like.. these brothers, they should be ashamed of themselves for *using* sisters like that! And the entire brothers side gasped... it was really interesting :) Another thing, yeah sisters like that are rare, but they do exist. And I think a lot of sisters do/would strive to be like that in marriage. One thing that really aggravates me is hearing guys talk about how sisters who were raised here would be so hard to deal with in marriage, and a wife from 'back home' would work to please him more etc. I don't think that's fair... I think that in the society we live in sisters have to be very clear about the rights they have, the things they deserve, the status Islam grants them etc etc but this doesn't mean she won't work to please her husband and be in a relationship where both of em are happy.. |
| Re: Advice to Brothers, from a Husband |
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| meraj |
| 03/24/01 at 12:17:18 |
| slm, [quote]I remember one conference, he mentioned how dangerous it is for sisters to become friends with brothers... because brothers tend to compartmentalize their feelings, and consider someone just a friend or someone they're seriously interested in, while a lot of sisters have this tendency of getting emotionally involved with anyone they confide and share things with... and he was like.. these brothers, they should be ashamed of themselves for *using* sisters like that! And the entire brothers side gasped... it was really interesting :)[/quote] hmm... what exactly do you mean? ??? |
| Re: Advice to Brothers, from a Husband |
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| hydrolicious |
| 03/24/01 at 20:33:22 |
| Assalamu alaikum ... I think the key is in understanding each others role in this important stage of life.....Too often people are mislead by misconceptions they hold which make them hold unfounded expectations. Consequently which lead to so called broken promises...and a feeling of resentment and lack of satisfaction....This so called satisfaction comes through understanding our duties and regard for Allah subhanatallah's commandments and guidelines... One who thinks otherwise is bound for a reality check.... Im jus babbling..but anyways thats my 2 rupees.... wasalams Ibn kohi bi nahee |
| Re: Advice to Brothers, from a Husband |
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| se7en |
| 03/25/01 at 14:30:07 |
meraj, I think he was talking about how.. if a brother talks to a sister, confides in her, asks her for advice, etc etc, she may automatically assume he is interested in her... while in his mind she is in that category of 'just a friend'. His point was that a lot of brothers use sisters for their emotional sensitivity, to help them out with their problems, things like that, without realizing that they may be 'leading them on' in a sense... I don't know if I explained that well.. And what was interesting to me is the brothers in the audiences reaction.. it was like a guilty acknowledgement of doing just that. I do see it happen, and I do see sisters get hurt because of it.. what's worse is having a brother befriend you just to get hooked up with a friend of yours... |
| Re: Advice to Brothers, from a Husband |
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| meraj |
| 03/25/01 at 15:04:15 |
| slm, ohh i gotcha.. jazakallah for clarifying :) but lets say it was unintentional... what then? (what? why are you looking at me like that?! ;-D ) |
| Re: Advice to Brothers, from a Husband |
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| Kashif |
| 03/25/01 at 16:33:14 |
| [quote]but lets say it was unintentional... what then?[/quote] Thats why they shouldn't have been talking in the first place. |
| NS |
| Re: Advice to Brothers, from a Husband |
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| Al-Basha |
| 03/25/01 at 23:07:15 |
| slm [quote] I do see it happen, and I do see sisters get hurt because of it.. what's worse is having a brother befriend you just to get hooked up with a friend of yours... [/quote] The above is unfortunatly true. Too many sweet talkers out there astaghfurAllah. Don't get me wrong, im not saying sweet talking is haram, i mean sure to your wife yeah but just in general isn't good because people end up getting the wrong idea. About brothers who think that they would be better off marrying a "sister" from back home. Depends on the brother's personality. If he is mostly american then he should stick with sisters here, if he mostly from "back home" then he should stick with sisters from back home wa Allahu A3laam. In either case, I am probably very wrong :) Or maybe you have some brothers like me, half of them being "here" and half of them being "back home" (home to me is 3 different countries) due to having lived around in a lot of places. Either way, i think you get out of marriage what you put into it. Recently it has truly sunk into me that marriage is no walk in the park. And that it is half of a Muslims deen for a reason. Some ppl out there might think that marriage is all about the love and romance, but I've come to realize that in reality it is a lot of work. I mean when you sit and think about it, you begin to realize that as a husband or wife, there's a lot of responsibility involved. I think there should be some amount of mental preperation before getting married, and a lot of reflection on what one is getting themselves into. Or maybe I'm wrong, maybe one should just dive head long into it, Allahu A3laam |
| Re: Advice to Brothers, from a Husband |
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| BrKhalid |
| 03/26/01 at 05:58:49 |
| Asalaamu Alaikum ;-) [quote] if a brother talks to a sister, confides in her, asks her for advice, etc etc, she may automatically assume he is interested in her... while in his mind she is in that category of 'just a friend'. His point was that a lot of brothers use sisters for their emotional sensitivity, to help them out with their problems, things like that, without realizing that they may be 'leading them on' in a sense... [/quote] This sort of stuff goes on does it? Sheesh I must have lived a real sheltered life!!! Anyway, I just wanted to make the point that brothers may compartmentalise their feelings but this shouldn't be seen as a fault in its own right. Equally, the fact that sisters tend to be more open should not be held against them. As for the audience reaction Sr Se7en, could it be that these brothers were just surprised by the fact that sisters have a different outlook on things as opposed to an admission of guilt? |
| Re: Advice to Brothers, from a Husband |
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| se7en |
| 03/26/01 at 20:28:50 |
wa alaykum as salaam wa rahmatAllahi wa barakatuh, Br Khalid:[quote]Anyway, I just wanted to make the point that brothers may compartmentalise their feelings but this shouldn't be seen as a fault in its own right. Equally, the fact that sisters tend to be more open should not be held against them. [/quote]Very true. [quote] As for the audience reaction Sr Se7en, could it be that these brothers were just surprised by the fact that sisters have a different outlook on things as opposed to an admission of guilt? [/quote]Yeah. But I think, at least in part, some people were recognizing themselves in the description. Meraj:[quote]but lets say it was unintentional... what then?[/quote]That's exactly why we have to be so careful with how we interact with the opposite sex.. something that may seem like nothing to you may mean so much to someone else.. Be careful out there y'all.. you don't know what impact one word or action of yours may have on another.. Kashif (and everyone else): Check out this awesome Malcolm X site: [url]http://www.malcolm-x.org[/url] wasalaamu alaykum wa rahmatAllah. |
| Re: Advice to Brothers, from a Husband |
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| Yasminejaan |
| 03/27/01 at 07:06:55 |
| slm As an Afghan living in America, I can totally relate to the 'going back home.' When you ask Afghan brothers in my community when are you going to get married, their eloquent reply is, "I'm importing from Pakistan." They have this 'idea' that all afghan/desi girls brought up here are 'bad' and while many are they are forgetting a lot of us :-) Let me ask this, I know there are a lot of Desis on this board...How about if a girl where to go 'back home?' And for the sisters, How do you feel about this whole importing from Pakistan or India or where ever stuff? -By the way I'm Afghan/Iraqi yah I know weird LoL- Achaa, Masalaama |
| Re: Advice to Brothers, from a Husband |
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| Kathy |
| 03/27/01 at 08:39:35 |
| slm Kashif- I have hit the "post reply" key so many times in comment to your above post. Thinking of Jannahs and Arshads posting on us being ambassadors of Islam - I have stopped.... |
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