Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| the hardest parts of islam? |
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| eleanor |
| 03/24/01 at 16:30:48 |
| Assalamu Alaikum. I have been a wannabe Muslim for ages now and I'm always finding reasons not to convert. Finally I have pinned it down to two reasons which for me are the hardest parts of Islam to accept and to live by. First is the hijab. I don't know why but I feel ashamed to wear hijab. Like I'm letting myself down or letting my family down. Second is obedience to the husband. This is extremely difficult for me since I was never obedient to anyone in my life if it didn't suit me. I try, Allah knows, to be patient, to be quiet and tolerant...but some little part of me always answers back, attacks back and defends me to the last *even when I know I'm wrong*. This is the biggest crisis for me. I feel like I'm selling myself short if I let someone else order me around. Everything else in Islam is easy for me. Fasting, praying, zakat, you name it... I'd be really interested to hear your opinions on this, your experiences and what for you is difficult about Islam. Eleanor |
| Re: the hardest parts of islam? |
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| Magableh |
| 03/24/01 at 16:55:44 |
| Assalamu Alaikum Eleanor, For me, the hijab was probably the easiest. When I first learned of Islam, I went to purchase some books at a local Middle Eastern store. A Sister walked up to me in full hijab, and asked me if I needed assistance. She was so graceful. I immediately felt a huge respect for her. I could tell her love for Allah(swt) and our Prophet Muhammad(saw) was so high. We sat together for almost 2 hours and she explained so many things to me. Since that day, I have not gone without the hijab. I wore it even before I took the Shahadah. Unfortunately, this Sister did not live in my area, she was only there visiting, so I haven't been in contact with her since. I wish I could see her, to tell her that I am a Muslimah :) (She said that it would be the best time of my life, and she was right, Alhamdulillah!!) The best thing for you to do, Insha'Allah, is to remain in the company of strong Muslim sisters. As far as being obedient towards the husband, I can't really answer this because I'm not married. It wouldn't be a problem for me though. Maybe some other sisters can comment on this? May Allah (swt) guide you on the path to Islam. Wa'assalam, Serena P.S. Bebzi = Pepsi :) |
| Re: the hardest parts of islam? |
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| AbdulBasir |
| 03/24/01 at 19:23:50 |
| [slm] As a brother I cannot really comment or even speculate on what it is like to have to "obey" your husband. The question I would ask though is, what do you think "obedience" to the husband is? You said: [quote]I feel like I'm selling myself short if I let someone else order me around.[/quote] Speaking for myself, I do not think the concept of "ordering you around" is present in any truly Islamic marriage. This is my own opinion and what follows is of course my own limited understanding of the concept of obedience in marriage. I would advise you to seek scholarly works on the subject of obedience in marriage if this is a concern for you. As Prophet Muhammad[saw] said, "You have rights regarding your wives and your wives have rights regarding you." (Reported in Tirmidhi and Ibn Majah). Just as a wife enjoys certain rights, the husband does as well. The rights of a husband give balance to the marital relationship, one that cannot be favored towards one partner. As the wife's fundamental rights include maintenance, kind treatment and respect, a husband's right is obedience from his wife. But what is this obedience? And why be obedient?Obedience is a husband's right, but this is only conditional. As Allah SWT states in Surah Nisaa, that men should be the "[i]qawwam[/i]". [i]Qawammah[/i] is often mistranslated, but its meaning is multi-faceted and denotes the legal, moral, financial and spiritual obligation of responsibility of the husband for the household. In being [i]qawwam[/i] the husband bears the responsibility before Allah SWT for all that occurred in his household. Therefore men are obligated to be the [i]qawwam[/i] of the family, for women have burdens of their own. If a husband sufficiently maintains his wife and treats her well, the wife should obey him. The wife's obedience is a virtue to the wife, as several sayings of the Prophet[saw] indicate that a wife who obeys her husband will be rewarded. In other traditions, the Prophet declares that a woman's obedience will get the same reward as the man's fighting on the battlefield. But again, the question that needs to be asked, what is this obedience? Obedience is not exclusive for the husband, for marriage, in being a partnership, it follows that a husband should obey and listen to his wife as well. Being obedient does not mean one partner dictating capricious orders like some military general. The obedience of a wife towards her husband is not due to superiority, for the Qur'an speaks of no human being superior to the other. Nor does it have to do with any distinction, for both men and women have equitable privileges and rights. Instead, this obedience is due to man's responsibility in the union. Being the [i]qawwam[/i], the maintainer of the family, has no bearing on equality and has nothing to do with submission. Nor is it a judgment on women's leadership capabilities, for as the Qur'an and Sunnah hold, everyone is a leader, as the Prophet[saw] said, "Everyone of you is a leader and is responsible for the action of those persons who are committed to his charge. A ruler is also a steward (and is accountable for those who are put under his charge) a man is a steward in respect of his family members of his house, a woman is a steward in respect of her husband's house and his children. In short everyone of you is a steward and is accountable for those who are placed under his care." (Reported in Bukhari and Muslim) Herein lies the Islamic concept of leadership and obedience. It is not a role that denotes superiority, but rather one that denotes responsibility. The man is responsible before Allah SWT for the affairs of his family, and if anything, good or bad, occurs in his family, he shares in reward or punishment. He is the representative of the family to society, the "external" leader of the family, while the woman, who is the leader of the household, is an "internal" leader. For each, this leadership is not dictatorship, for the Qur'an commands mutual consultation in all affairs, public and private. Since the man is the maintainer of the family, he is entitled to obedience from his wife, but it is not without its limits. The man does not have unqualified authority, which can only be for Allah, and can only apply this obedience to his claims on her. He cannot tell her what to do with her own belongings or the like, nor can he deny her the right to express her opinions and feelings, for example. It is not done in tyrannical fashion, for consultation is necessary, nor does it consist of whimsical orders. Even in cases of divorce, consultation is required for even the suckling of the child by the Qur'an {2:223), and therefore in the case of normal marriage, it can be readily understood that consultation has even greater importance. If you look in a dictionary, obedience has several definitions. One does mean following orders, yet another means following guidance. And that is the crucial difference. Obedience, obedience to guidance to that which is good, is done on a balanced basis by both parties, and as the Prophet [saw] declared, "Obedience is only required in cases which are reasonable and legitimate". (Reported in Bukhari and Muslim) It also goes without saying that this obedience to any "guidance" cannot include disobedience to Allah or His Law and is forbidden, as this is not real guidance at all. The Prophet's[saw] relationship with his wives is the enduring example of the Islamic concept of obedience, for the wives were treated equitably, made signficant worldly acheivements of their own, expressed themselves freely and were frequently consulted, not only on private matters, but on political ones affecting the entire Muslim community. The Islamic marriage, as practiced by the Prophet[saw], was a loving and close relationship, one where matters were decided in mutual agreement and not through forceful coercion or unqualified, submissive obedience. Following someone else's guidance is not "selling yourself short". The wife in an Islamic marriage is independent and contributes her intellect to the affairs of herself, her husband and her family. But again, we may not know all the answers. Husbands and wives alone don't have all the answers. That's why they join together to help one another in serving Allah SWT and pleasing Him. That's why they are each other's "garments" (see the Qur'an 7:189), giving one another protection and security. And that's why they help one another in managing the affairs and challenges that their family faces. Provided the husband is fulfilling his own obligation of [i]qawwam[/i] and all it entails, among the most important "categories" the wife must be obedient in are safeguarding one's chastity and honor and protecting the husband's property, home and interests. There are very scholarly works out there that go further into the qualifications and specifics of what exactly the wife should obey, how conditions in the marital contract affect such specifics and so on. But such specifics are unecessary here, because the importance here is that obedience in marriage is following guidance, not following just "orders". Indeed, the husband holds the responsibility of guiding his family and will be held accountable before Allah. He must do his best to guide his wife and his family towards the path most pleasing to Allah SWT and they should in turn follow such guidance. There is a difference between following "orders" and following the guidance and sincere advice of your beloved and trusted partner in life. In turn, the wife does her best to advise and help her husband in his faith and his affairs. This is the spirit of the Islamic marriage and the Islamic family. The husband and wife cooperate and consult with each other, treating each other respectfully and kindly, without being overly demanding. It is a union where the partners, while having certain claims on the other, act equitably on a basis of love and affection, a union which helps them both in their temporal existence and in their search to get closer to Allah, for as the Prophet[saw] was asked which type of wealth was the best, he replied, " A heart thankful to Allah, a tongue wet with remembrance of Allah, and a believing wife who helps him with his faith."(Reported in Tirmidhi and Ibn Majah) Again, I don't know if this was of any help and let me stress the fact that everything I said was my own personal understanding of the subject, which very well could be wrong. If so, may Allah guide me towards the more accurate understanding. Therefore, I don't know if any of this can alleviate your concerns; I am sure the sisters will have much more practical, and even anecdotal, evidence to help you. And we have, praised be to Allah, some knowledgeble sisters and brothers on the board who can articulate and explain this subject better. So I would hope you keep an open mind on the issue. May Allah guide your heart to that which He has willed and may Allah guide all our hearts to the path which pleases Him. PS...BTW does anyone on the board have the exact narrations and [i]isnaad[/i] of the hadiths mentioned above. I would appreciate it. Jazzakalah Khair. And Allah knows best... [slm] |
| Re: the hardest parts of islam? |
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| destined |
| 04/18/01 at 14:56:35 |
| [slm] Eleanor, I see what you're saying. These two concepts (hijab & obedience to your husband) may be intimadating. But please don't let this scare you away from Islam. God is with His servant. And as a born Muslim, I found it extremely hard to start hijab, but God (Allah) helped me out bigtime. If you take one step towards Him, He will run to you :) I can go on and on about this subject, but don't worry I won't :) I'll say one thing, it's not only about wearing a scarf on your head, it's about modesty. Modesty in your behavior, speech, and so on. Obedience to your husband, Br Abdul Basir covered a great deal. Okay, I'm not married but here's a little bout what Islam says on this subject... Obedience to your husband is critical for a Muslim woman's akhira (next life), as her husband can be her heaven or her hell. A Muslim is one who submits. We submit to God and as a Muslim woman you must also submit to your husband, (ie. obey and so forth). But also the Muslim woman has *many* rights that her husband owes her and vice versa. It really should not be such a problem to be obedient to your husband unless he is taking away some of your rights. Which is a whole diff matter. |
| Re: the hardest parts of islam? |
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| UmmZaid |
| 03/24/01 at 23:33:59 |
| [quote]First is the hijab. I don't know why but I feel ashamed to wear hijab. Like I'm letting myself down or letting my family down.[/quote] Ashamed? Why would you be ashamed to wear a garment that shows that you are modest? Do you mean embarassed, or shy? I can understand that. Even afraid, of being hassled. In the long run, you are letting yourself down if you go through life without the hijab. But that said, don't let these issues keep you from taking shahada. If these really are the only things blocking you, then Subhan'Allah, this is probably the Shaytan playing with your head and whispering things to you. The Shayateen (plural) love to keep people from Islam and they will whisper into their ears and hearts whatever reservations that person has. Islam isn't about hijab or husbands. Islam is about recognizing the One True Creator and Lord of the Universe, and giving Him His due Rights. Hijab or no hijab, either you believe in the Shahada or you don't, and if you do, then do it now, because not a single one of us knows when she will die. It would be better for any one of us to die as a Muslim without hijab than as a non Muslim without hijab, or even a non Muslim who is covered! Let the other stuff come slowly. The Sahaba (Companions) weren't perfect Muslims overnight (and never were, of course), it took them 23 years to get it right. So, take comfort in that, and know that we don't have to be full force over night. [quote]Second is obedience to the husband. This is extremely difficult for me since I was never obedient to anyone in my life if it didn't suit me. I try, Allah knows, to be patient, to be quiet and tolerant...but some little part of me always answers back, attacks back and defends me to the last *even when I know I'm wrong*.[/quote] If you do it when you know you're wrong, then you know it isn't an "obedience to the husband" issue, it's a self discipline issue. As far as "obeying the husband," I don't know that it is what you think it is. You're not married, I take it, so you haven't chosen your husband yet. I obey my husband. But he doesn't order me around like some tyrant. I obey him in... not letting folks into the home that he doesn't want, not letting men in when he's not home, things like that. He doesn't order me around. I basically do whatever I want, as long as it is in the boundaries of Islam. I have shown to him that I am trustworthy (and vice versa), and so he trusts me that when I go out during the day, I'm not doing something wrong, and so on. And if he's wrong, I let him know. The wives of the Prophet (aleyhi salatu wa salaam)argued with him! If they can argue and debate with the best of creation, don't you think that gives us a little leeway? It isn't about this cowering, timid, voiceless woman and her dominating Muslim man. Yes, the husband is (most often) in charge of the outer dealings of the home: the bills, the money, things like that. But the woman is often in charge inside: doing the shopping, the arranging, the cooking, determining what is bought, things like that. I know, house management has really, really been degraded in our society, so much to the point that I also thought it wasn't anything special before I got married. Now that I've been married, I see how important home management is. You think things like being in charge of the home, aw that's no big deal, I wanna have some of the duties of the man, that's more fun. Subhan'Allah, running a home is much harder than I gave it credit for. (rambling off topic -- but my point is to show that being in charge of the home isn't some "gee shucks" consolation prize for the woman, it is a big responsibility) |
| Re: the hardest parts of islam? |
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| eleanor |
| 03/25/01 at 08:07:09 |
| Thanks everyone for your answers. It gave me something to think about. I'm not sure if I'm Muslim or not. The story is this: I met my husband (?) almost five years ago. For me he was a boyfriend and for my family he still is. Before we moved in together he insisted on Nikkah in the mosque. Since it was totally unofficial, no signing of papers etc, I agreed. I wasn't ready to marry someone I only knew 6 weeks but for him it was really important. I was Catholic. So we went to the mosque with 2 witnesses and I had to repeat everything the Imam said. I hadn't a clue what any of it meant but I did it for my husband. Afterwards the Imam said that I was Muslim since the Shahada was part of this ceremony. I wasn't at all accepting of this and basically just forgot the whole thing. My husband would love for me to be Muslim but he has never ever pressured me and has just supported me whenever I had questions etc. Now it's at the point where I want to become Muslim officially but am I already Muslim or not? I think not since I didn't understand any of what I said back then. I'm really confused.... |
| Re: the hardest parts of islam? |
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| Kathy |
| 03/25/01 at 11:34:04 |
| Let us help you. What is your first question? |
| Re: the hardest parts of islam? |
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| eleanor |
| 03/25/01 at 11:51:35 |
| Do I have to take Shahada again? |
| Re: the hardest parts of islam? |
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| meraj |
| 03/25/01 at 14:51:10 |
| slm, Allah knows best. well the meaning of 'shahada' is to take witness... to bear witness that there is no God Allah... to submit oneself and completely accept this would def involve lots of understanding of what is being said in the shahada... i could be wrong here, but since at the time you didint knwo what you were saying, i wold say it would def be better to take shahada again, with better understanding of the process and its ramifications. this is just my perspective on it, so if im wrong, it would be good if someone could please correct me :) but inshallah sister, if you take shahada with a sincere intention, then it will be one of the most rewarding, aweosme, humbling experiences in your life :) our duaas are with you inshallah :) more power to ya ;-D |
| Re: the hardest parts of islam? |
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| Arsalan |
| 03/26/01 at 00:38:11 |
| [slm] Eleanor, I read your first post, and the first thing that came to my mind was: Become a Muslim! By all means! Don't let the two things prevent you from doing that. If you have no problem praying, giving charity, fasting and making Hajj (if possible, one day, insha Allah), then alhamdulillah! The rest may come, insha Allah, later with time and prayer (i.e. hijab and obedience). Don't let it get to you. Things take time. But don't let this prevent you from becoming a Muslim. Second, I don't know if you need to make the shahaadah again or not. I would suggest you consult your local imam about it. It can have some consequences. For example, if your imam says that you were actually a Muslim at the time of marriage, then became a non Muslim, and then became a Muslim again, you may have to do the nikaah again (wallahu a'lam). In any case, if you truly believe in your heart now that there is no god except Allah and that Muhammad (pbuh) is His Final Messenger - then you are a Muslim. May Allah increase you in His Guidance, and all of us. Wassalamu alaikum. |
| Re: the hardest parts of islam? |
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| eleanor |
| 03/26/01 at 18:10:16 |
| Thank you again so so much for the replies. I do really and strongly believe in my heart that this religion is the true one..I have made Shahada to myself a million times already, but I'm not sure if it has to be done in the mosque. I really feel like I'm at the start of an incredible adventure and I just want to get going, but when I think of my family's reaction then something makes me stop. But if you think I can be a Muslim without wearing hijab (if not a very good one) then I've nothing to worry about. Another question: Is Allah angry if the prayers in Arabic aren't pronounced properly? Because I've been practicing with my husband but I still haven't got it down yet, and I think maybe the prayers won't be accepted..(I wear hijab for praying) Sometimes I get the prayers a bit mixed up too, I worry about this. And that post from Brother Abdul about obedience not being the following of orders, but instead it's accepting guidance from my beloved and trusted partner..it just clicked for me, like a penny dropping. Now I just have to worry about hijab. |
| Re: the hardest parts of islam? |
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| Kathy |
| 03/26/01 at 18:16:27 |
| slm Do not worry about the scarf. You will wear it when you are ready. I am a revert, went thru everything you are fearing. Feel free to e-mail me with anything that you are uncomfortable posting on these pages. (However- they have seen and heard it all!) |
| Re: the hardest parts of islam? |
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| eleanor |
| 03/26/01 at 19:45:22 |
| slm thanks Kathy. it's a bit hard for me because where I live there is no english speaking Muslim community so I can't find anyone to help me except my dear husband. Maybe you could recommend some books to me. I'd love to read a biography of Mohammad (pbuh) and any book giving information on starting out in Islam. I already know loads from reading the internet but it's the practical aspects I need info on. thanks again! Eleanor |
| Re: the hardest parts of islam? |
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| se7en |
| 03/26/01 at 19:53:17 |
Eleanor, just keep trying with the prayers. Allah will not be angry with you for trying! In fact, you'll most likely be rewarded *more* for your struggle. There's actually a saying of Muhammad, peace be upon him, that says that for every letter of the Quran that a person reads, they get one reward.. but if that person struggles, and still reads, they get twice the reward for each letter.. they get twice as much because even though it's something difficult for them, they keep struggling for the sake of Allah.. so that's not only something you won't get punished for, but you most likely will get *doubly* rewarded for! How cool is that :) so keep on tryin :) |
| Re: the hardest parts of islam? |
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| Saleema |
| 03/27/01 at 00:34:07 |
| http://www.jannah.org/cgi-bin/yabb/YaBB.pl/YaBB.pl?board=masjid&action=display&num=2326 read this article that se7en posted. if you can't access it from here, it's under the taqwa masjid under "read this!" wassalam |
| Re: the hardest parts of islam? |
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| Kashif |
| 03/27/01 at 02:57:15 |
| [quote]Thank you again so so much for the replies. I do really and strongly believe in my heart that this religion is the true one..I have made Shahada to myself a million times already, but I'm not sure if it has to be done in the mosque.[/quote] assalaamu alaikum sister Eleanor I had a friend who i had been discussing Islam with for a long time, and he was in exactly the same situation as you. He told me that he'd recited the shahadah to himself numerous times but not in the mosque. I was under the impression that you HAD to recite it in front of two people for it to be accepted, so i asked a visiting scholar (Shaikh Ja'far Idris) about this, and he told me that if the person had recited the shahadah to himself, and believed in it, he was already a Muslim. Saying it in a mosque in front of two witnesses is only for official purposes really. So welcome to the brotherhood & sisterhood of Islam. Kashif Wa Salaam |
| Re: the hardest parts of islam? |
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| Kathy |
| 03/27/01 at 08:54:30 |
| slm Eleanor- These are some of the basic books about Muhammad pbuh. Muhammad his life based on the earliest sources. by Martin Lings The Life of Muhammad by Muhammad Husayn Haykal Letters of the Holy Prophet(saw) by Sultan Ahmed Qureshi A Day With the Prophet (saw) by Ahmad Von Denfeer The Sayings of Muhammad by Allama SirAbdullah Al-Mamun Al-Suhrawardy Family of the Holy Prophet by S.M. Madni Abbasi |
| NS |
| Re: the hardest parts of islam? |
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| Arsalan |
| 03/27/01 at 10:36:28 |
| [slm] Eleanor, you are not required to say the shahaadah in public. If you truly believe in the shahaadah in your heart, then you are a Muslim. However, it may be a good idea to do it in the Mosque, if you don't feel to uncomfortable about it. The reason I say this is because the Muslim community will then be aware of a new Muslim amongst them, and will help you out, insha Allah. If you keep it private, you will remain isolated until the word spreads by itself. If you feel uncomfortable making a public testimony, at least try to get in touch with your local Imam and let him know about it, so that he can help you in learning the basics about Islam (prayer, purification, etc). Or perhaps a good, knowledgeable sister. You are a Muslim now. Praise be to Allah, who has guided you thus far. Now you're on the road to become a good Muslim, a true Muslim. You've chosen the right path for yourself. The prayer. That's the first thing you should focus on. It takes a little time to learn the prayer in Arabic, but with practice, you'll eventually get it down insha Allah. Keep working at it. If you ever have questions about anything, feel free to ask over here. We'll do the best we can to help you insha Allah. Wassalamu alaikum. |
| Re: the hardest parts of islam? |
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| UmmZaid |
| 03/27/01 at 11:24:21 |
| Eleanor: Salaam 'Alaikum & Welcome to Islam. Allah subhannahu wa ta'ala would not be angry with someone if they are unable to pronounce the Arabic correctly. If you are reciting Qur'an, and you are struggling with it, you get 30X the reward of someone who speaks it smoothly. (This is what my husband has told me, I don't know what hadith he got it from, but he doesn't speak without reference, so...) The Arabic in the prayer is pretty easy to get down, after a few weeks or so. :) |
| Re: the hardest parts of islam? |
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| jannah |
| 03/27/01 at 12:28:40 |
| I believe the hadith says the one who struggles but still tries to read Quran will receive twice the reward! This is what I tell the kids in my class all the time :) |
| Re: the hardest parts of islam? |
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| AbdulBasir |
| 03/27/01 at 16:48:00 |
| [slm] might as well post it since it's become the talk of the town... 'A'isha reported Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) (as saying): One who is proficient in the Qur'an is associated with the noble, upright, recording angels; and he who falters in it, and finds it difficult for him, will have a double reward. Muslim 4:129:1746. Also Reported in Bukhari. |
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