Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
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| Magableh |
| 04/16/01 at 20:42:56 |
| Dear Brothers and Sisters, Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu! I was proposed marriage to over the weekend. The Brother that asked me to marry him is a man I knew for a couple of years before I converted. In fact, he is the best friend of the Brother who led me to Islam. He is a righteous Brother. He prays all of the obligatory as well as superogatory prayers. He pays zakat, is well respected in the community, is very respectful with his family, friends and fellow Muslims. He has a big heart and goes out of his way to help all who need his assistance and he loves my daughter (which is a +). So what's the problem? I am 28 years old....he is 24 years older. (This is not a big problem) I have been ill for almost a year now. He knows this, and he has been extremely supportive! There are times when I can't walk, or go out to do regular chores. Sometimes, when he knows this, he will go out and buy groceries and send them to me through a Sister in our area. He'll do this without my knowledge. I was in a bad marriage before, and I am kinda scared to get married again. I don't know how to get past this feeling....any ideas? I don't feel that I would be a *benefit* to him :(. I don't wish to put a *burden* on him with the pain that I am going through. This is not a problem for him, but for me it is. I want to be able to give my *husband* all that he wishes and desires (what is within my capacity). How could I do this being in pain? Does any of this make sense??? I don't know what to do, and would really appreciate any advice, good or bad, from my Brothers and Sisters! May Allah (swt) bless you all, and your families. Wa'assalam, Serena |
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| Arsalan |
| 04/16/01 at 20:53:24 |
| [slm] Sr. Serena, do you have a walee? If you do, ask your walee to convey to him your concerns. That is, the walee should let him know that you appreciate his offer, but that you are concerned about x, y, z. If the man wants to marry you regardless of these facts, then I can think of nothing better than the example of the Prophet's marriage to Umm Salamah: He (pbuh) asked her in marriage, and although Umm Salamah was honored by the offer, she told the Prophet (pbuh) three concerns for which she did not see this marriage fit. One was that she was old, another was her jealousy, and a third one which escapes my mind. The Prophet (pbuh) told her that he is older than her, that he will make du'aa to Allah to help relieve her jealousy, and a satisfactory answer for her third concern as well. And thus, they were married, bi-idhnillah. If you don't have a walee, you can still voice these concerns to him through an intermediary, because I know you are a shy person. This intermediary can either be the person who presented Islam to you (his best friend), or his wife, or any one else who seems appropriate to you. May Allah help you. And don't forget to pray the istikhaarah prayer. Wassalamu alaikum. |
| NS |
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| Magableh |
| 04/16/01 at 21:07:18 |
| Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu! I'm sorry, I forgot to add one thing... Is it appropriate for a Sister, married or not, to attend Islamic lectures/conferences by herself? The Brother who proposed to me would not let me attend them by myself. I think I could handle this....but, I want to increase my knowledge in any way that I can. He would go to all of them that he could...but is it appropriate for him to tell me that I can't go if it would improve my deen? Brother Arsalan, Being a convert, I do not have a walee, so I have been using my friend as an intermediary. I have voiced these concerns to him, and he has said that I should not be worried, that we can go through everything together. But I still feel very bad. I would feel guilty for not being 100% *there*. About Istikhaarah...how do you do it? I have read some articles and books on it, but it is better to hear from someone who has actually performed it to learn how to do it. May Allah (swt) bless you. Wa'assalam, Serena |
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| Zahra |
| 04/16/01 at 22:28:31 |
[quote]she told the Prophet (pbuh) three concerns for which she did not see this marriage fit. One was that she was old, another was her jealousy, and a third one which escapes my mind. [/quote] The third one was that she had many children and the prophet, sallahoo alayhe wa salam, told her that he would care for them. Serena- pray istikhara and make lots of dua. From what your saying, this brother sounds very kind, pious, and caring. If you have voiced your concerns, and he is still offering his proposal, then insha'Allah that will count for something. BTW, why does he say you can't go to conferences, etc. alone? Is it because of your illness? Ask him his reasoning and be sure to communicate all concerns to him. May ALlah be with you. |
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| jannah |
| 04/16/01 at 22:48:56 |
| wlm, That age difference is quite alot. I think you should really think about that seriously. He may be an excellent brother Alhamdulillah and a good Iuslim but he may not be right for you or have the same things in common or the same goals. For what reason did he say you can't go to an Islamic lecture/conference by yourself? Does it take more than 3 days to get there?? Is it unsafe?? The sahabiyat used to walk the streets ALONE going and coming for prayers including Fajr and Isha. If your goal in life is to study Islam and continue your ibadah in this country and the only institutions we have here are the Mosques and conferences/lectures, etc, I don't know how you would be able to do that if you are only allowed to do it under supervision of your husband. Find out what else he won't let you do as you don't want to go into a marriage without knowing these and they indicate also his position on women in islam and how he may treat you in the marriage. I think as he proposed to you, you shouldn't anguish over what you might be able to or not be able to give him. It was his choice and he accepts who you are. You can just explain honestly what you can or can't do and if he accepts that you should accept it as well and not worry about the doubts. As for istikhara, it's pretty simple, you pray the 2 rakats and you make the dua. It's really interesting how when you have a problem or decision and you make that dua you realize that you are stating what should be your criteria for making a decision --- that this thing be good for me in my life and deen, for dunya and akhirah. And you also acknowledge that you can't know everything and that Allah does, so you ask Him for help to guide you to what is khair. Some specifics-- some people think you will have vivid dreams that tell you exactly what to do. For some, it might have happenned. For others they get a feeling if it's right or not. Some receive the reassurance they need in their heart, some find something happens and their position changes completely. Some receive a sign. Others don't think they get anything and continue on their way and many many weeks, years later find that the decision they ended up taking and what occurred was really a blessing. (Believe it or not I've gotten all of the above!) BTW the story Arsalan relates is as follows: Both the Muhajirun and Ansar felt they had a duty to Umm Salamah. When she had completed the Iddah (three months and ten days), Abu Bakr proposed marriage to her but she refused. Then Umar asked to marry her but she also declined the proposal. The Prophet [saw] then approached her and she replied: "O Messenger of Allah, I have three characteristics. I am a woman who is extremely jealous and I am afraid that you will see in me something that will anger you and cause Allah to punish me. I am a woman who is already advanced in age and I am a woman who has a young family." The Prophet replied: "Regarding the jealousy you mentioned, I pray to Allah the Almighty to let it go away from you. Regarding the question of age you have mentioned. I am afflicted with the same problem as you. Regarding the dependent family you have mentioned, your family is my family." May Allah guide you insha Allah. |
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| Anonymous |
| 04/16/01 at 22:56:48 |
| Assalamu'alaykum sister, I suggest that you openly talk about your feelings and fears to the brother. Since he's beyond fifty, I would think he's mature enough to understand whatever you'll tell him. If he is as you describe, I personaly wouldn't hesitate to marry him. But on the other hand, I couldn't help myself to wonder how it would be when he's gonna be 70, and me, 46? (sorry to be a bit crude, but women at that age are still sexually active, see what I mean?) Anyway, I think the best thing to do for now is istikhara. And about your illness... may Allah make it a purification for you. Ameen. Wassalam |
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| Arsalan |
| 04/16/01 at 23:38:47 |
| [slm] Regarding the "not going to conferences," I think you have to hand it to the brother - he's extremely wise in making it clear *before* marriage rather than breaking it to you afterwards! If it's something he feels strongly about, then it's good he told it to you alhamdulillah. I assume he's talking about conferences that are held at places out of town. Things like the ISNA convention or the ALIM program, or maybe even a seminar that's taking place in the neighboring state! If that is the case, his demand is not entirely unIslamic, wallaahu a'lam. In any case, you and only you can make the decision whether this is something you will be able to live with or not. But it may be good, as Jannah said, to ask him why he has a problem with it. As far as the method to pray istikhaarah, it is as Jannah said - pray two rak'ahs OTHER than the obligatory rak'ahs. After saying the salaam, you raise your hand and say the du'aa of istikhaarah. After saying the du'aa, you should go ahead with the matter. If it is good for you in the Sight of Allah, he will make things easy, and often times you will also feel how smooth everything becomes afterward. On the contrary, if it is not good for you in the Sight of Allah, then you will see obstacles coming in your way, and often times you will realize that this is not something that you should go through with. One more thing. Istikharah should not only be made one time. You should make it constantly. From now until the time that you either get married, or decide to give it up completely. It doesn't have to be after every single prayer, of course. But do it frequently. The more, the better, insha Allah. Wassalamu alaikum. |
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| Magableh |
| 04/17/01 at 00:09:37 |
| Dear Brothers and Sisters, Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu! JazakAllah Khair for all of the advice and suggestions. I don't have much time to respond tonight, but tomorrow, Insha'Allah, I will have some answers for all of you. :) May Allah (swt) bless all of you for your assistance! Wa'assalam...until next time. Serena |
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| Magableh |
| 04/17/01 at 16:15:14 |
| Dear Brothers and Sisters, Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu! I have not yet had a chance to clearly *speak* to the Brother about these concerns. Insha'Allah tonight I will be able to. In the meantime, I remember a while back there was a list of questions posted, I believe it was from se7en on questions to ask a *prospective husband* (not that I am considering it yet....it's a lot to think about :))...can someone please tell/show me where I can find it? Thanks :) May Allah (swt) bless all of you in this life and the hereafter! :) Wa'assalam, Serena |
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| Arsalan |
| 04/17/01 at 16:31:44 |
| [slm] Ah, that dreadful list!!! :) It's in the Akhwat folder. [url=http://www.jannah.org/cgi-bin/yabb/YaBB.pl/YaBB.pl?board=sisters&action=display&num=1742]Click Here.[/url] |
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| Magableh |
| 04/17/01 at 16:40:27 |
| Brother Arsalan, Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu! JazakAllahKhair for the link. Yikes, it's huge! :) A quick question...if I turn down the proposal, for whatever reason, what would be the *proper* way to do it, if that is my choice? Eventhough I have *known* this Brother for 2 years before I converted, and could probably answer over half those questions by myself, I feel like this is a bit *rushing*. I didn't even have any idea of his *interest*... Then again, maybe it's just me...lol :) Wa'assalam, Serena |
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| Magableh |
| 04/18/01 at 15:58:04 |
| Dear Brothers and Sisters, Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu! note: The Brother who proposed to me knows that I am writing this and it is okay with him :) Brother Arsalan, believe it or not, I asked him all of the questions on the list...his response? He laughed...lol. He was a good sport actually... I'm not going to list all the answers. One thing that I found out, he wants to move back home (Jordan) within 5 years. This is actually okay for me because I don't want to live in the US. (no offense) I would like to move to the UK though...I don't know why...it's just always been interesting to me. Okay, moving on.... About conferences - He says that it is against Shariah for a woman to travel alone? Whether married or single. He's talking about long distance. (more than 2 hours away) His morals and values are old-fashioned. He would rather accompany me to the conferences so that we could learn and grow *together*, and so that I would be *safe*. He feels that it would be innappropriate for me to go and sit *alone* at a lecture where there will be other *available* brothers. Could it be jealousy??? note: he calls me a *young chick* and because of the age difference he feels that if a *newer* model comes along, I would exchange him...lol (It's not funny, I guess...insecurity maybe) He was married before, to a non-Muslim, and she left him for another man. The oddity, he has a daughter almost my age (she's 24). Since I am a new Muslimah, I want to expand my knowledge all that I can. I want to travel, go on Deen Intensives, live in the Middle East for a short time, or long time, so that I can experience what it's like to live in different cultures. He said that he would purchase me all the tapes, videos, CD's, books that I want to learn, but it's not the same. I think that the biggest downfall would be him holding me back from learning....and right now, that is my main goal. I know that he will continue studying Islam, as he is a strong Muslim Brother, but not to the extent that I *want* to...maybe I'm fanatical...lol His views on the Muslimah... He wants his wife to stay at home, cook, clean, take care of the children, study, pray...all the basics. He does not want his wife to work...and here's the problem.. I am just starting my own business. I design Islamic clothing for women and children. I plan to be on the internet within a year. And because I would be to some extent working with men...he said no. Should I even put that as a priority? Eventhough he is 24 years older..he is a healthy, *young* Brother. He's active in the community, a businessman, a good father, etc. Okay, someone's here's, I have to go...I'll write more later. Any more questions, feel free to ask. Wa'assalam, Serena |
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| Arsalan |
| 04/18/01 at 16:29:17 |
| [slm] Interesting :) Just out of curiosity, how long did it take to ask *all* those questions and get their answer?? Are you referring to the list that se7en put up, or the list that Asim referred to which was on another web site (201 questions)? May Allah help you yaa ukht to make the decision which is best for you in this life and the Hereafter. Wassalamu alaikum. |
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| Magableh |
| 04/18/01 at 16:40:03 |
| Brother Arsalan, Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu! I asked him the questions on se7en's list. What happened was his friend, my *walee* did a three-way call between us and I asked him the questions directly. It was more out of *fun*. I wasn't going to ask, but then I just ended up doing it and we were on the phone for about an hour and a half. I was like..."If I want to go to school abroad to study Arabic, how would you feel?" Not all of thos questions were that *important* to me...but I was curious as to how he would respond...playfully, angry, etc. Would you be offended if you were asked all of those questions? Please don't get upset at my asking...I just want to get a Brother's point of view. :) Wa'assalam, Serena |
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| Arsalan |
| 04/18/01 at 16:43:25 |
[quote]Would you be offended if you were asked all of those questions? [/quote]Ahem! Yeah Asim, would you? Bhaloo? Kashif? BrKhalid? AbdulBasir? Uzer? Alzinjibar? |
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| Magableh |
| 04/18/01 at 16:46:41 |
| Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu! LOL :) Serena |
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| Asim |
| 04/18/01 at 16:55:51 |
| Assalaamu alaikum, Heyy, Arsalan don't put us in a tight situation! Well, I don't think I would be offended. Actually it will depend on the atmosphere. If I understand that the intention is to get to know one another better then it is okay. But if it is more like nitpicking, then it can be irritating. So it should be more like..hmmm, let's see how well you do in this quiz...I will take mine also...then we will see who won! :) The point I think is to get people to talk about themselves a bit. And if one has specific questions in mind then the talking becomes less uncomfortable. Okay, who's next? Arsalan? ... Wasalaam. |
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| Arsalan |
| 04/18/01 at 16:59:36 |
| [slm] I just looked at se7en's list of questions again. I don't think I'd be *offended* if someone asked me all of these questions. But it'll definitely make me uneasy. Here's why: Alot of those questions are thinking questions. Things that I have to think about long and hard before answering. - What do you consider your greatest achievement to date? - What has been the hardest obstacle you’ve faced thus far in life? - If there was one thing you would like to change about yourself, what would it be? - What do you do if there is a conflict between your spouse and your family? There's many others. I think alot of these are essay questions! The kind of questions that colleges like to ask you on their application forms! (What are your goals for this life?). These questions are tough to answer on the phone, at the spot. Thank God we have email now, where we can formulate our thoughts carefully, and use the delete button as much as we want, before clicking on the "send" button to give our answers! Wassalamu alaikum. |
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| Magableh |
| 04/18/01 at 17:05:40 |
| Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu! I have to agree with both of you. These questions shouldn't be used as an interrogation or for nitpicking. Nobody is perfect, and no matter how many questions you ask, or how often you ask them, you will not find 100% what you are looking for. If somone proposes to you, that you don't know well, then yes some of these questions can be used for getting to know them. If they were asked to me, I would probably feel uneasy also, but I would answer them, if asked. :) I guess it varies with every situation. Wa'assalam, Serena P.S. - I didn't mean to put you Brothers on the spot!! :) |
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| Asim<+td> |
| 04/18/01 at 17:09:26 |
| Arsalan, you are right, the questions do require some thought and would make me a tad uncomfortable if asked to respond immediately. Therefore, I would prefer to write the answers down and she should do the same and then maybe talk about it a bit. Wasalaam. |
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| muhannad |
| 04/18/01 at 17:39:51 |
| Actually, a brother I know went to see a sister with a view to marriage. Yep, and see gave him a questionnaire to fill out ps. some of the questions were hilarious, ;-D we had an enjoyable time pondering over them !! |
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| BrKhalid |
| 04/18/01 at 17:44:20 |
| Asalaamu Alaikum ;-) Hmmm...I'm not sure offended is the right word but certainly taken aback for sure. On one hand it would demonstrate to me the character of the sister for taking the time and effort to find out about all these things. On the other hand though, if its done in the wrong manner it may be construed as trying to nitpick and may put the brother off. Some of those questions are things which the brother may not have even thought about so you may well take him by surprise. Personally I'd pick the questions which were the most important to *you* and see how he answers those. |
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| AbdulBasir |
| 04/18/01 at 19:51:16 |
| [quote] - What do you consider your greatest achievement to date? - What has been the hardest obstacle you’ve faced thus far in life? - If there was one thing you would like to change about yourself, what would it be? [/quote] These are verbatim questions one is asked on a job interview! Ponder them now so you're not tongue-tied when you need a job! In terms of the marriage thing, like in a job interview though, the questions are not the whole "interview" (at least with the good interviewers who actually have a clue :))...they should be a tool to be used to supplement a multi-faceted process to see and understand the character of the "applicant"... It should go the middle way of course...though probably someone who has seriously considered marriage would know the "answers", and be able to expound about them anyways...and given the seriousness of the issue, people should have a higher threshold for what "offends them" when the issue of marraige, and seeking marriage is concerned... [slm] |
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| Mona |
| 04/18/01 at 18:10:13 |
| Assalamu alaikum, I think these kinds of questions will most certainly put someone off if they are asked in one go, in a survey type of manner that is, to a brother or a sister. In general, anyone who answers them, all of them, with apparent ease and too much confidence, you should be weary of. This should be treated like a polygraph (!), it is not the answer per sa that one should be looking for, but the reaction the person has towards the question as well. Anyways, I think the questions should respect one's privacy and be brought up in a contextual manner in a conversation. Emails or written answers don't exactly give the same impression. The one's that se7en prepared are very good, but the lists I've seen on some web sites have some very inappropriate questions. Of course one might answer all the questions the 'right way', yet you'd feel that still, you are not comfortable with them. A purely gut feeling that you cannot explain, even after making istikharah. So what do you do? I tend to err on the side of caution. But then, maybe I've been too cautious!! Wassalam |
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| Magableh |
| 04/18/01 at 18:39:08 |
| Dear Brothers and Sisters, Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu! I just want to say that when I asked these questions to the Brother who proposed to me, it was in *fun*. I have known this Brother for 3 years and we were very good friends before I converted. Knowing him so well, I could have answered over 1/2 of those questions myself. I mentioned to him that I had a list from the internet of questions to ask a prospective partner, and he said to ask him, so I did. He was happily willing to answer them. If it was a different Brother, one I didn't know so well, I don't think I would have felt that comfortable asking him. Although I wouldn't mind answering them. I might have someone else ask...lol, just a few of them, to get to know him more. The Brothers that I know though, would probably willingly *offer* most of that info without the Sister even asking. Anyway, it goes both ways...whatever the Sister asks the prospective husband, she should be willing to answer them herself! :) My two cents again! Wa'assalam, Serena |
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| se7en |
| 04/18/01 at 19:05:13 |
| as salaamu alaykum wa rahmatAllah, Usually the reason a sister asks a brother these questions is not to grade him (she's not gonna hand him a #2 and give him 45 minutes :)) It's just to figure out who the heck he is... the average sister has NO IDEA about this guy that's proposing to her... what his history is, what his personality is like, if he has a temper, his character, his amount of knowledge, his lifestyle, his goals for the future, his expectations in a wife etc etc And a lot of times the wali doesn't really know what questions to ask... a lot of parents just think in terms of "well, he's from this ethnicity, he comes from a good family, he had a good job/education, and he looks decent.. so he's perfect." And that's not true at all... we're not all homogenized, not as easily malleable or willing to compromise as those before us... we have different traits and qualities and a lot of times just straight up stubbornness.. throw into that the different "types" of Muslims we have now.. those on the salaf, those focused on tassawuf etc... things like that just make it impossible for everyone to be compatable... these questionnaires are just a process of getting to know more about you, what you're like... it's the same process most brothers go through to find out about a sister before he proposes to her... he tries to find out her level of iman and taqwaah, if she'd be compatable with him, what her personality's like etc.. And I think, brothers should ask their prospective spouses these questions as well.. it's just a way of determining if two people are good for each other. If you ask a brother "What do you consider your greatest achievement to date?" and he says to you, "buying that beamer..." that helps you determine if he is right for you. In the same way, if you ask a brother "What has been the hardest obstacle you’ve faced thus far in life?" and he says "overcoming and purifying my nafs, specifically in the area of kibr, in the process of striving to achieve ubudiyyah.." that tells you a lot about the brother :) You're supposed to tie your camel *then* you trust in Allah... I think a lot of people go into marriage blindly... you have to do your part to make sure that this brother or sister is right for you... and *then* you trust in Allah to guide you to what is best... wAllahu 'alam. |
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| Arsalan |
| 04/19/01 at 01:55:36 |
| [slm] [quote]if you ask a brother "What has been the hardest obstacle you’ve faced thus far in life?" and he says "overcoming and purifying my nafs, specifically in the area of kibr, in the process of striving to achieve ubudiyyah.." that tells you a lot about the brother :)[/quote]It's a sweet talker's world then! I literally know people who could come up with better lines for that question in 2 seconds, and none of it will be true!!! I have always believed that the best way to know about your potential spouse is to *ask* those who know them well. If someone was interested in me, I'd tell them to go and talk to 3 people and that they'd know everything about me from them! The good, the bad, the positives, the negatives, everything. I'd literally give them the names and telephone numbers of these people, these would be people like my sibling, my best friend, and one of my ustaaz's or something. You can't know the true personality of someone through one sitting or interview. You need to talk to those who have spent their lives with this person - people who will give you the honest answer. It's hard to find such references sometimes, but I think people need to try harder searching for them. If references are available though, I don't think there's any better way than that. Wassalamu alaikum. |
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| se7en |
| 04/19/01 at 11:43:57 |
| ok, ok... my point was that you can learn a lot about someone from a questionnaire, that's all. yeah, it is *definitely* important to speak to a person's friends/family/teachers... but it's also important to converse with the person him/herself.. Here's an example... brother A: "I'd like to think I'm a decent muslim, but there's always room for improvement. I love going to the masjid and meeting other muslims and I try to stay in good company." brother B: "I am strong Muslim brother who fears Allah (swt) more than anything. I do not mix culture with Islam. After accepting Islam I realized how false the other side is and inshAllah I will never take Islam for granted like I see many Muslims who do today." these tell you a lot about the brother in question do they not? about his personality, his understanding of Islam and even his lifestyle.. that's all i'm sayin.. |
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| Magableh |
| 04/19/01 at 11:33:02 |
| Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu! [quote] I'd literally give them the names and telephone numbers of these people, these would be people like my sibling, my best friend, and one of my ustaaz's or something. [/quote] What, or who is an ustaaz? :) Wa'assalam, Serena |
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| Arsalan |
| 04/19/01 at 12:07:10 |
| Wa'alaikum assalam :) I think you have a point about the questionnaire being beneficial. But I think we need to realize that it has its limitations. It's amazing when I look at brother A and brother B, I can extrapolate so much out of those statements! But I wonder how many of those extrapolations would really be correct assessments! For example, I can say that brother B is over-confident. He calls himself a "strong Muslim" and I think all of us know that the true Muslims who are strong in their Imaan *always* doubt themselves and think of themselves as pathetic!** But then again, I can also say that brother A says he "[i]tries to[/i] stay in good company", and I can extrapolate from that that he is [i]struggling[/i] to make his way. That, who knows, maybe he's just a "decent Muslim" because of peer pressure, and not really because of what he himself has discovered in Islam using his own heart and mind. I can extrapolate all these negative things about both brothers, whereas it may be the brother A was just being extremely honest, because he feels this (marriage interview) is a situation where he should set aside all modesty and be honest and straightforward. While brother B may just be a modest, humble type of brother. It may be that he is actually one of the strongest Muslims out there, but he doesn't think that highly of himself because of his high level of Imaan, and that is what reflects in his answer. Am I making any sense here? I think questionnaires help. They help alot. Especially in situations where the sister (or brother) have no clue about who the other person is. But just realize that these questionnaires have limitations, and so don't depend on them completely. And don't extrapolate too much out of the answers. I'd like to hear what others have to say about this. **Look at this quote by Abud Dardaa (r.a.) for example: "No man gains full understanding and knowledge unless he detests all the people who are not close to Allah, and then turns his attention to his own self and detests it even more." P.S. Serena, 'ustaaz', to me, is a little more than a teacher. It is someone who has played a major role in shaping your Islamic understanding (even if it be for one single aspect of Islam - say fiqh, or aqeedah). |
| Re: Please help, if you can! |
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| Magableh |
| 04/19/01 at 14:32:57 |
| Dear Brothers and Sisters, Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu! I have to agree with Arsalan when he says that (and I'm not quoting) a Brother who is truly strong in his deen feels that he is *pathetic*. I know many Muslims who *I* feel are *strong Muslim men* but they feel that they are lacking in all areas of their knowledge. I would probably be more cautious of Brother *B*. Atleast the first Brother admitted to his shortcomings and we as Sisters can decide if this is a Brother that we would like to marry and share, or work with him, on these faults. As for Brother *B*, if he is truly a *strong*, *pious* Brother he would not have to say it. It would show in his adab (mannerisms?), the way he treats his fellow Brothers and Sisters, his family, etc. I also agree that you should have the opportunity to *question* his relatives and friends, and *ustaaz* :) I don't know to what degree you should question though. It shouldn't be an interrogation. His close associates would know how he reacts in tough situations...does he get angry? abusive? sulk? Does he hold grudges? I don't think (and that's my personal opinion) that a Brother would come right out and tell you his shortcomings as a Muslim. I have to go...I'll add more later, Insha'Allah. Wa'assalam, Serena |
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