Advice required please: Reproposal.

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Advice required please: Reproposal.
iagawya

05/20/01 at 22:38:29

Assalamu'alaikum,

Dear Sisters and Brothers, May you dwell in Allah's favour forever,
I would be very grateful if you could consider my situation and advise me on your thoughts.

Having felt drawn to a sister and friend of mine for several months, I decided that it was appropriate to perform istikharah, to ask Allah SWT if I was meant to marry this good and devout woman.

After observing many positive signs I could not ignore my responsibility to my deen and proposed marriage to my friend. Naturally, she performed istikharah. After a time, she advised me that she could not marry me. This was not an easy time for either of us, I think. This occurred several months ago.

Still friends, I still feel drawn to this lady but I still respect adab. I believe both of us made good and proper istikharah, despite recieving contradictory answers. I have performed istikharah again, asking for guidance in my life and again I am directed towards marriage with this lady, marriage, family, and deeper iman. My question to you is this; how should I approach this ? How long should I wait before reproposing ? Do you know of the outcomes to any similar situations ?

Jazakallah.

Re: Advice required please: Reproposal.
Kashif

05/21/01 at 19:33:54

assalaamu alaikum

If your istikhara points you in her direction again, perhaps its worth pursuing it again. But akhee you're not supposed to propose to her directly, the brother makes the proposal for the lady's hand thru her wali.

Kashif
Wa Salaam
Re: Advice required please: Reproposal.
iagawya

05/22/01 at 09:06:49

Thank you for your advice, it is very welcome. BTW, I did not say I approached the sister directly.

Re: Advice required please: Reproposal.
kiwi25

05/22/01 at 17:46:49

salam,

i also agree that becasue ur istikhara pionted to her again , u should probably go for it, and if she rejects u: our local imam told us the best way to get over her is to stop all contacts with her and to try not to see her physically, i noe this may be hard because it seems that you two are very close, but inshallah things wil lwork out,
wasalam nouha:)

Re: Advice required please: Reproposal.
iagawya

05/26/01 at 03:33:26

That is good advice, thank you. :)
Perhaps I can remodel my dilemma to make it more relevant to you all, my sisters. How would you feel and be inclinded to act if your istikhara was strongly in favour of a marriage yet your intended husband's was not ? What would be your thoughts ?

I am very aware that this is an emotive issue, and not that simple, but I appreciate all responses. I would like you all to, if you will excuse this expression, go with your gut instinct on this one. Same to you brothers.

Wassalaam.

Re: Advice required please: Reproposal.
ReflexShun

05/26/01 at 20:23:17

salam my brother,

this is a very tuff situation, becuase the pain you would feel is emotional, and i think thats even worse then physical pain most of the time. but anyways to soemwhat answer your question, how is she reacting to this? i mean since you said your freinds with her still, you could probably see traces of interest or not from her you know what i mean? tell her through a wali what happened and how you came to your reprpoosal idea after making istikhara and being directed towards her again... maybe that will help, also maybe if you didnt already ask her why she said no in the first place? this is stuff that my gut feeling would say to me, but i dunno brother, because sometimes such problems are way too complicated and deep for most brothers and sisters to understand without knowing every little detail... so Allahualim, may Allah (swt) be with you and i hope you the very best!

Re: Advice required please: Reproposal.
SuperHiMY

05/27/01 at 00:09:15

AsalamAlay.com,
Peace and e-Greetings be upon you,

Try this:

Do Istikharah AGAIN but WITHOUT ANYTHING to do with the
the sister in question.

Ask Allah for something ELSE.

IF the answer you get for THAT doesn't make sense either,
Then your NAFS or desires are clouding your reception of
Allah's Answer of/to your Istikhara prayer.

I did the same thing, twice if I recall properly.

...I and That particular sister never did marry each other.

My DESIRE to make it WORK with her 'distorted my radar'
so to speak, And I wasn't really in the proper frame of
non-desire to appreciate the message Allah was sending me
until much much much later.

One is NOT s'posed to enter the Istikhara prayer with a
preset wish for one option over the other. It don't work
that way.

Does this help?

Your bro in T.O.

~ HiMY! ~

Re: Advice required please: Reproposal.
iagawya

05/27/01 at 19:08:16

Wasalaam brother, thank you for your thoughts, you are welcome.
With respect to your suggestion;

[quote]
Do Istikharah AGAIN but WITHOUT ANYTHING to do with the
the sister in question.
[/quote]

This is what I did. Please note my original post;

[quote]
I have performed istikharah again, asking for guidance in my life
[/quote]

I think perhaps it is unrealistic to expect brothers and sisters to ignore their feelings in their marriage choice. We can only choose from those people we have met. How many brothers do you know who, after performing istikharah, have reported a vision of the bride Allah (SWT) intends them to marry ? How many brothers, after performing istikharah, have dreamt of an angel guiding them to a telephone directory listing of the address and telephone number of a sister who is a stranger to them, and upon awakening have called this sister, subsequently marrying successfully ?

My point is that Allah (SWT) blessed us with desires. To use them in guidance towards the good and, indeed, obligatory goal of marriage is their correct application. I understand your point, and appreciate how easy it is for people to become misled by shaitan in matters of emotions, but the major part of my respect for the sister in question is her iman demonstrated in her personal behaviour and also by her actions within the Ummah. My desire is to know her smile for the rest of my life, inshaAllah. If one does not feel then one is dead, and if one is dead there is no necessity for istikharah. I would challenge any assertion that the decision to perform istikharah is, or should be, a cold one.
Re: Advice required please: Reproposal.
Barr

05/28/01 at 02:24:23

Assalamu'alaikum

Just to share...

A sister (malay)was doing istikharah for 2 different brothers, A & B. She likes Brother A but Brother B came to propose. After performing istikharah, she dreamt of a brother who was praying, but she only saw his back. And she was sure that this brother is neither Br. A nor Br B.

So, she said "no" to Br B, and tried to forget abt Br A. About 2 weeks after that, another sister (arab) came to ask her whether she is ready to be married, and recommended a brother who is not "local".

She then agreed to consider. One day, the sister pointed him out to her. When she saw him, she was very surprised becoz, when she saw him from behind, it was the same person, in the dream. She accepted the proposal, and she married 2 months later. Alhamdulillah, now they are happily married with 2 children.. a boy and a girl.

And erm... this is a true story....
wallahua'lam :-)
random info..
princess

05/28/01 at 10:37:14

as'salaamualikum :)

when u do preform istikhara, u don't have to see a dream..:) usually 1 way is made easier for u, then the other..:) and if u feel u r biased, then have ur mom/dad do it :) just a thought :) later langur ;-D

Re: Advice required please: Reproposal.
Mahmoodah

05/28/01 at 13:22:00

salam,
i thought wen u do istikhara, it can b a dream or a thought!!!
Neways wen u propose to this sis n if her istikhara turns negative again, then move on!!!
look 4 another sis!!!

wa-salam

Tongue in Cheek...
SuperHiMY

05/28/01 at 13:46:16

These are always the hardest discussions...

I don't suppose you could simply flip a coin?

When deciding not to decide, I've still made a decision.

I just don't tell anyone about that decision.

I then sleep on it.

If In the morning or the next day or so or more, the OTHER

choice is not haunting me, well, then, to me at least I made

the better choice.

[quote]
She then agreed to consider. One day, the sister pointed him out to her. When she saw him, she was very surprised becoz, when she saw him from behind, it was the same person, in the dream. She accepted the proposal, and she married 2 months later. Alhamdulillah, now they are happily married with 2 children.. a boy and a girl.

And erm... this is a true story....
[/quote]

[i]Now why don't Disney make movies like that?[/i]

Re: Advice required please: Reproposal.
Spring

06/01/01 at 16:25:43

[slm]

Bro Iagawya, the situation that you have described seems to be a very difficult one. I pray that Allah, eases your way. Ameen. Matters of the heart can be so painful. You have seen a pious sister and know that insha Allah she has a pure heart. And insha Allah, you want the purest thing, marriage. So you can both strive together in our beautiful deen.

You are asking what we would feel if we were in the same situation. I think, I would wait a while, a few months perhaps a year. Try to carry on with trying to build myself into a better person. Keep striving to perfect my character. Then perhaps pray again in a while if I still felt the same. If my Istikharah was still positive, I may ask the sister to pray her Istikharah again.

But, care must be taken in these things. There is only so much that I think we should put ourselves through. But I have no evidence for that. I only speak from experience.

Sometimes things happen and we can't explain why. Sometimes situations occur that are so totally different from the way we expected and planned. But there is wisdom behind them. There is a reason that they happened even though we may not see it straight away. And if we truly want to be mu'mins, then we have to accept the Qadr of Allah, the good of it, the bad of it, the sweet of it and the bitter of it. And be thankful that Allah is guiding our lives. Sorry, I know you know this already, but I speak to myself most of all.

Take care, I wish you well on this path

Re: Advice required please: Reproposal.
iagawya

06/03/01 at 05:07:08

Assalaamu Alaikum, Sister Spring.

Please accept my thanks for your wise and gentle reply to my question. As a man, blunt and often brutal in his reasoning, I appreciate your words and the compassion and intelligence behind them.
It is extremely good advice you give to me, and a serious reply to a serious question. I shall follow your advice.

I hope that your experience in this area, which you mention in passing, has been positive and I pray that Allah hears your dua.

As a further note to our other Sisters and Brothers, do you feel able to share your own experience of Istikharah in this area, and the form which Allah's signs took ? I would like to thank Sister Barr for her anecdote regarding a Sister's dream. It was very interesting and reassuring to know that dreams can still have a purpose. Thanks to you all for your replies to my question, JazakAllah.

So, Blessed Family, care to share your stories ? I would be honoured to read them.

Thank you.

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