Does a wife have to...

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Does a wife have to...
Anonymous
05/23/01 at 22:28:28
Salam all

I am going to get married soon and my husband to be is someone my parents have
chosen. I don't feel particularly attracted to him and I don't think I want to
have sex with him until I know him better. Many of my cousins have said that
the husband usually expects to have sex on the wedding night and it is obligatory
for the wife to comply with her husbands needs. Is this true or do I have a
right to refuse?

Nervous sister.
Re: Does a wife have to...
jannah
05/23/01 at 23:14:36
Wa 'Alaikum Assalaam wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh ,

laa hayaa fi deen, you have a valid question and concern. perhaps some married sisters here can discuss this with you. or you might want to post your question on a fiqh board like www.islam-qa.com or islam.org

one question though.. why are you marrying someone you are completely unattracted to? you have the right to say no if you don't like the person. what if down the road it gets worse and you still don't like him? now is the time to determine if he's the right person for you...

Re: Does a wife have to...
Anonymous
05/23/01 at 23:51:47
slm

Fulfilling the Husband's Physical Desire

A Major Obligation

The Prophet saws said: "By the One that Muhammad's soul is in His hand, a woman
would not truly fulfill the right of her Lord (Allah) until she fulfills all of
her of her husband's right - even if her were to ask her for herself while she
is in a camel's saddle, she should NOT deny him of that." (Recorded by Ahmad,
Ibn Majah and others) Verified to be authentic by Albani

Denial of Intimte Pleasure is a Major Sin

It is a BIG obligation of the wife and refusing to do this is a major sin that
deserves the angels' curse and Allah's wrath.

Abu Hurayrah RU reported that the Prophet saws said: "If a man invites his wife
to bed and she refuses to come and he sleeps while angry, the angels curse her
till the morning." (recorded by Bukhari, Muslim, and others)

Sister please know that what you are planning to do is a sin.  I strongly
advise you not to do this.  In fact, your soon to be husband has such a great right
upon you in this matter that you cannot even fast without his permisson.

The Prophet saws said: "A woman may not fast, while her husband is present,
except with his permission- except for Ramadan;..."  (recorded by Bukhari, Muslim,
and others)
Re: Does a wife have to...
jannah
05/24/01 at 00:01:54
uhh thanx for the hadith anonymous2...

anonymous1 in islam part of the purpose of marriage is to fulfill one's desires, it's natural. so if that is a part of marriage and neither partner should deny it without reason then you should think very carefully about if you will be able to fulfill this obligation of both partners in your marriage.

it is not easy for either partner, marriage is supposed to prevent adultery and if you refuse it's not good as the hadith explain because he/she doesn't have any other alternatives.

but i think that anonymous1 just might not be comfortable with being with a stranger and that's natural as well, so perhaps after you get married you should mutually agree to get to know each other first.





Re: Does a wife have to...
Saleema
05/23/01 at 23:59:58
[slm]

I am so sick and tired of the way muslims treat their women, especially with regards to someone whom they are going to be spending the rest of their lives with. May Allah help you sister, whatever is best for you in the life and the next. Ameen.

and people, this is a sensitive issue, so don't give fatwas if you are not a scholar. Sister with the question--you are more than welcome to come for spiritual or moral support on this board. And i think it's best if you decide to write to the web site address that jannah provided you with.

[wlm]
Your sister in Islam,
Saleema
Re: Does a wife have to...
Nazia
05/24/01 at 00:35:33
Assalamu Alaikum,

Sister Anon1, I hope and pray that every decision you make works out for the best, and that your life is full of blessings from Allah (SWT).

While Anon2 posted what seems to be a generally accepted hadith, I think the question Anon1 was asking was very different.  She was not saying "Can I refuse him whenever I want regardless of his feelings?"  She was basically saying "Is it ok to be scared and take it a little slow." (right?)  Well, this, I think, is a very different question then the one the ahadith answer.  One thing we need to remember, is that if our husbands have any sense of Islam, they'll know to treat us gently when we're scared.  And while I may be unmarried, I would hope to think that any man who proudly proclaims his love and devotion for Allah would see that this is obviously something very frightening for his young, innocent wife and would therefore try to make her feel comfortable so that they could grow to that level of intimacy together.  Either way, the others are right--if you feel so uncomfortable about it, you should consult someone knowledgeable and neutral.

I hope everything works out for the best Insha'Allah :)

Take Care,
Wassalamu Alaikum,
Nazia Abbas
Re: Does a wife have to...
Ruqayyah
05/24/01 at 01:11:17
[slm]

I couldn't have said it better myself sister Nazia! :-)
Re: Does a wife have to...
Kathy
05/24/01 at 08:46:31
slm

Dear "soon to be Bride",

Your concerns are very valid. You are a Muslim girl and have been modest all your life. Your husband has agreed to marry you knowing that he is marrying a chaste Muslima.

Insha Allah he will realize this and remember that you have never been exposed. You have protected yourself all your life and you, your family and he has cherished this.

A girl on her wedding night is fragile, scared, and nervous. Unless her parents have been direct with her all her life in procreation- she will obviously be naive.

For the husband, his wedding night will be her first indication to his true character. He has a chance to  make a wonderful first impression that will last a life time- as you never get a secound chance for your first time together.

He has choices to make. He can take care of his needs immediately with no concern for her. (However I believe there are a couple of  hadith that give example to make the husband want to please her in this area.)

What is the the first impression he wants to make? He is her new husband, leader, friend, garment. Does he want her to trust him? Does he want her to know that he is a compassionate man? Would he like her to know that he can control himself- in little issues as well as the big ones? Does he want her to feel protected and have her rely on him for the rest of their lives?

Or does he want her to know that he is a beast?

Insha Allah- if you tell him you are nervous, a little scared, by Allah's mercy he will listen and guide you.
Re: Does a wife have to...
Marcie
05/24/01 at 22:54:44
As salamu alaykum Sister,

Have you prayed Al-Istihaarah to see if you are making the right decision?  I realize that it is not my right to interfere in your parents' decision and only Allah (swt) knows what your future holds, but marriage can be very difficult (as well as rewarding) when you love someone. I can't imagine what it would be like not loving someone or having no positive feelings whatsoever.  

As sister Kathy pointed out many things depend on his knowledge and practice of Islam.  Pay attention now to determine his character as best you can.  When I married my husband I married him because of his Islamic character.  Al hamdu lillah because of his character  my love for him continues to grow.  

Please try to make sure that you feel comfortable in your decision and everything else will follow insha'Allah.  If you do this then you should not feel too scared when the time comes.

As salamu alaykum
Marcie
Re: Does a wife have to...
kiwi25
05/24/01 at 23:02:34
salam,

wonderful post sr nazia

anon1,
you should really have a talk with your mother, tell her how you feel unattracted and all plus she went through the same night with your father so isnahallah she will be understanding , if not  talk to a local imam, ask him what you should do etc,

i read hadiths about the angels cursing the wife if she says no to her husband, but i also read in a horizons magazine that if the husband and wife are togethr intimately and the husband leaves or finishes "his" duties and feels pleased before his wife is then he will be punished, so anon2 u have to understand that physical intimacy is not only for the husband but for both parties.

i pray anon 1 that evrything works out wasalam nouha:)



Re: Does a wife have to...
dhikr
05/25/01 at 21:24:09
[slm]
i dont have any advice that the others havent said already. i realize somethign tho. this is such a sensitive issue, and its kinda scary thinking abt it. i mean no matter what, even if u do love ur husband to be or whatever and are attracted to him, thats just scary, not only because its ur first and all, but i dunno abt what other ppl think, but it sometimes seems like guys know a whole lot more than sisters do when it comes to this, i dunno, ill shut up now, (the albany mafia is gonna come up to me thinking i think abt this all the time now hehhe,  i can see it now)

but i guess this is where nazias advice makes u feel a lil better, that if he loves Allah swt and wants the best for both of u, hes prolly sensitive enough to understand that beforehand,

rite abt now everyones thinking that guys suck and theres no hope left, but one thing i wanna mention is one of my relatives, hes young and all but hes a punk too, i mean hes aiite but hes a punk, i was totally shocked to hear (what slipped out of his mouth) him say that inshallah theyll prolly talk most of the night anyway, that was very cough*cough* adorable (no one repeats that i said that)  coming from him. that coming from him showed me that there are some good guys out there that have prolly already thought abt this and how she might be scared,  theyll be good to u inshallah, and inshallah whomever we choose, choose for the sake of Allah and inshallah itll work out for u.

ok ill stop now.
(albany mafia now thinks im gonna get married like tomoro or soemthign ,sheesh, look what i get myself into):)
luv ya tho
salaam
razia
Re: Does a wife have to...
Anonymous
05/26/01 at 01:30:09
Assalamu Alaikum

Do the sisters ever even think about the possibility that the brother could be
scared too?

Why is it that sisters have such a low opinion of us in general or don't
realize that we also can have concerns like yours?
Re: Does a wife have to...
jannah
05/26/01 at 01:35:06
wlm,

good to hear your input anon3! we haven't brought up the brothers side of things because 1) none of us are brothers and 2) the original poster was a sister who had the concern and was asking for advice

i'm sure some brothers go through the same thing as well.
Re: Does a wife have to...
ReflexShun
05/26/01 at 05:02:53
assalamu alaikum wrwbkt

well this is a very interesting topic because it deals with a very sensitive issue, but i really wanted to say something with as much haya as possible, cuz nowadays some guys are really coming off bad with the way they act about the whole marriage issue and the "first night" and all that stuff...

well i wanted to say dont worry, guys who are into rommance more then the "other part" are not scarce, i know of some because every so often believe it or not this issue comes up with brothers as well! but what i wanted to say was, anon2 although im not disputing the authenticity of your hadith cuz i think i heard of them before too, but just like the sister said, youre talkin bout something totally different. and i just wanted to add to whatever the sisters already did, that as a brother, and knowing brothers who think this way, we know its a lot more of an issue for a sister during that "first time", and therefore if a sister doesnt want to do whatever because shes scared, or uncomfortable, or not ready thats obivously totally understandble! cuz the hadith isnt necesarily talking about the first time, and the first time is very different for sisters and brothers (heh heh you dont need a brother explaining that...) so to sisters they have a lot more to be worried and nervous about! but obivously brothers could be scared/nervous too but i dont think its at the level that a sister would be scared/nervous, you know what i mean?

but to stray off that part of the topic, i wanted to say that dont worry sister, a good brother wont push you to do anything one doesnt want to do, and if they do thats just really messed up! its easier for the guy to jump into a situation like that, so although it would be nice if the sister did comply, just cuz of certain reasons, its supposed to be totally understandable if the sister's not ready. they way i think of it, if youve waited for that long, whats a couple days heh heh. and personally if you really love your wife, youll respect her wishes if shes not ready or feeling nervous about it.

i just wanted to apologize for jumping into a topic thats focused mainly for sisters, but i really felt like something was needed to be said on behalf of some of the brothers who respect the decision the sisters have to face. and also this is soemthing i was thinkin bout before too, i hope i didnt offend anyone, and if i did please dont be cuz i didnt mean anything bad by it!

your brother in islam,
-=iLuMiMuS=-
Re: Does a wife have to...
Kathy
05/26/01 at 13:05:04
slm

-=iLuMiMuS=-

Clap clap clap! Your post is just right! It is nice for her and us, to hear from a man!
Re: Does a wife have to...
meraj
05/29/01 at 19:57:17
slm,

sorry.. this is kinda off the subject here, but does anyone have that article written by Muhammad Alshareef abotu marriage? someone posted it here a looong time ago but i cant find it.. if you have it, please post it or PM it to me.. jazakallahu khair :)
Re: Does a wife have to...
nehar
05/30/01 at 22:14:14
[slm]

i found this on qa-islam.  Hope it helps

[wlm]

nehar

[color=Red]
Asalaam-O-Alaikum

I am getting married in few months..My question is do husband and wife have to have sex the first night?
I have heard that if you dont have the intercorse fist night of your marriage, you're commiting a sin and u can't celebrate walima, is that true?

May allah bless you for leading us muslims to the right path


Answer:

Praise be to Allaah.

What you have heard - that it is obligatory to have intercourse on the first night of marriage - is not correct at all. Not having intercourse on that night is not a sin, and does not prevent one from celebrating the waleemah (wedding feast). Whatever happens between the two partners on their wedding night is their concern alone, and they know best what will suit their own personalities. This is a good opportunity to remind Muslim men and women of the importance of verifying whatever they hear, and to warn them not to accept Islamic rulings from people who are not qualified to give them. We ask Allaah to help us learn that which will benefit us, and to benefit us from that which we learn.

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