Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| A Brother Proposed A Sister...But... |
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| y_rahmi |
| 06/15/01 at 00:50:38 |
| Assalammu'alaikum, I would like to ask something. Well..there is a good brother proposed a sister. That brother is in hurry for getting marriage because he is afraid of fitnah and zina, so he needs a help from that sister. But actually that sister like another brother. Then what do you think that sister shall do? Wasalam |
| Re: A Brother Proposed A Sister...But... |
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| Spring |
| 06/15/01 at 09:05:27 |
| [slm] Brother Rahmi, I don't quite understand what you are asking. 'That sister is like another brother', what d'you mean?? :) |
| Re: A Brother Proposed A Sister...But... |
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| meraj |
| 06/15/01 at 09:14:50 |
| slm, i think she is sayin that the sister likes another brother, other than the one who wants to get married to her right away, correct? :) |
| Re: A Brother Proposed A Sister...But... |
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| Spring |
| 06/15/01 at 09:26:14 |
| [slm] Oh, right. Sorry. ;-D |
| Re: A Brother Proposed A Sister...But... |
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| Lisha |
| 06/15/01 at 15:40:11 |
| slm sister, i think 1 should b honest n tell da brother da truth as quick as posible so he isn't kept in da dark:) And if ur regectin sum1 then say it in da kindest way possible! Take care, w'salaam |
| Re: A Brother Proposed A Sister...But... |
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| Anonymous |
| 06/16/01 at 14:42:53 |
| "That brother is in hurry for getting marriage because he is afraid of fitnah and zina, so he needs a help from that sister." Rubbish! He doesn't need help from THAT sister, or from any other sister -- he needs help from Allah to control himself. A woman without conviction that a man would make an appropriate husband should not marry him! She is certainly under no obligation to do so, and it's ridiculous to think she should be guilted into anything. Her needs for a compatible spouse are just as important as his. If she's not interested, she should just say "no," and he should move on, without trying to blame her for his libido. Fasting, praying, and cold showers, and serious searches for a wife, are better, and more islamic, techniques than hitting a woman on the head with a club and dragging her into your cave. |
| Re: A Brother Proposed A Sister...But... |
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| BrKhalid |
| 06/16/01 at 19:41:50 |
| Asalaamu Alaikum ;-) [quote]Well..there is a good brother proposed a sister. That brother is in hurry for getting marriage because he is afraid of fitnah and zina, so he needs a help from that sister.[/quote] I'm confused as well. Has the brother proposed and now wants to prevent fitnah between him and his future wife by marrying as soon as possible? Or does he want to prevent the fitnah by marrying *anyone* as soon as possible? |
| Re: A Brother Proposed A Sister...But... |
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| Haniff |
| 06/17/01 at 09:54:17 |
| Assalamu Alaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh This is what I understand from what sister, Rahmi, from Indonesia has written: The man in the story has proposed to the lady, and he wants to get married soon to avoid Finah and Zinah, but this lady has someone else in her mind. So, literally, she is in two minds now. What does she do? I leave this to the experts to handle :) [wlm] Haniff |
| Re: A Brother Proposed A Sister...But... |
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| y_rahmi |
| 06/17/01 at 22:34:29 |
| Assalammu'alaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakathu, First of all I would like to say thanks a lot for all your response. Jazakallahu Khairan :) and I am so sorry to make you confused :(. Hmm..actually I mean..just like what brother Haniff explained. Well..there is a good and matured brother, he fears Allah and practice Islam in his daily life, then he proposed a sister to be his partner. He wants to meet the parents of the sister soon and then marry her as soon as possible Insha Allah. Well..that sister doesn't doubt his piety and his sincerity, but actually that sister has another brother in his mind (plse notice..that brother in that sister's mind is not her boy friend, because that sister never has boy friend. She is just feel interested in that brother due to his piety). Now..that sister is confusing..what shall she do? Because she remembers that there is a hadeeth tell that if there is a pious man propose your daughter and you like his faith then marry him wwth your daughter. And plse notice..that brother who proposed that sister want to marry soon to avoid him self from "fitnah". So it doesn't mean that he wants to marry just for sexual satisfaction only. But he need a good muslimah to be his life partner and lead islamic life together. Now..I hope u will not be confused anymore :):-). I am waiting your further response... Wasalammu'alaikum |
| Re: A Brother Proposed A Sister...But... |
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| NewJehad |
| 06/18/01 at 10:43:01 |
| asalm walakum, i think he should forget about her and ask his ummy to get him a import from back home. |
| Re: A Brother Proposed A Sister...But... |
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| Mahmoodah |
| 06/18/01 at 14:54:28 |
[quote]asalm walakum, i think he should forget about her and ask his ummy to get him a import from back home.[/quote] salam yea, every1 just go after the imports, y do parents go after the imports??? well, i'll never figure that out!!! wa-salam |
| Re: A Brother Proposed A Sister...But... |
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| NewJehad |
| 06/18/01 at 15:52:34 |
| I'll tell you what my mum told me. I was going to import an arab, but my mum told me that, that is not a good idea, cause my mum cant speak arabic. she told me " any way i am going to import you one from back home". I told her i can't speak back home language and i wont be able to get on with her, cause i dont like the culture, cause i have adupted a middle eastern culture. My mum told me its not that important that i can communicate with her cause i am going to be at work all day, and My mum will be with her all the time. I can understand where she is coming from even though westerners will find this incomprehesible. It is a fact that this is the way people from back home have always been getting married. and their marriages are more successful then western ones. marrying some one your mum cant stand might distroy your whole family, and the marriage might not last any way. If you marry some one you might not like, but your mum likes, and you treat your wife well, and make sure she does not find out how you really feel about her, inshallah , Allah will reword you for your patiants. remember we are Muslim, our relationship with our mothers is more important then our spocesses |
| Re: A Brother Proposed A Sister...But... |
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| Mahmoodah |
| 06/18/01 at 16:13:11 |
| salam, bro jehad, that was really nicely said!!! wa-salam |
| Re: A Brother Proposed A Sister...But... |
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| Khathija |
| 06/18/01 at 17:01:51 |
| im kinda confused??? someone help me out. Bro Jehad you said marrying someone your parents like, a person you have no way of communicating with b/c of a language difference, would be rewardable b/c you obeyed your mother? i understand that obeying you parents is very important but what how would your wife feel if you never talked to her. maybe i'm reacting like this b/c im a girl and i would feel betrayed if my husband didn't talk to me. being a new person, in a new realtionship away from my parents. i dunno, maybe i misunderstood s/t, if i did i'm sorry. |
| Re: A Brother Proposed A Sister...But... |
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| NewJehad |
| 06/18/01 at 17:21:18 |
| asalm walakum, i know couples need to comunicate. it dosnt take long for them to learn each others lANGUAGE. and they start communicating strate away. dont ask me how but it happens. i know people who had such marriages. |
| Re: A Brother Proposed A Sister...But... |
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| y_rahmi |
| 06/18/01 at 21:24:51 |
| Assalammu'alaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakathu, Yeah...it is very ideal and good if we marry someone that we like very much and surely the most important why we choose her/him due to her/his piety ..and our parents can accet our partner well also. Hmm.. Masha Allah..this is really nice thing :) (hmm..I hope my marriage will be like this also :) ..Plse..pray for me yaa.. :) Jazakallahu Khairan ) Our beloved Prophet Muhammad SAW said, “A woman may be married for four reasons : for her property, her status, her beauty, and her piety (religion), so try to get one who is religious, may you be blessed”. If we marry a woman for only worldly wealth, our marriage will fall into misery. Our Prophet Muhammad SAW said, “ The whole world is provison, and the best object of benefit is the pious woman.” Allah SWT say in Holy Quran :”Among His proofs is that He created for you spouses from among yourselves, in order to have tranquility and contentment with each other, and He placed in your hearts love and care toward your spouses. In this, there are sufficient proof for who think” (QS 30:21) Well, we all know that marriage is not like buying a new dress, you can exchange it if you don’t love it. Marriage is a very solemn …..agreement which can not be taken easily. Our prospective partner should be our choice for life here and Hereafter. We have to understand the demands and the purposes of marriage, so that our marriage and our union can be a lasting one, Insha Allah. So..personally...for me..as a girl..I think that I will prefer to marry a brother than I like than marry a brother that is offered by my parents and I don't like him . Hmm.. I am afraid to imagine if I have to stay and live together with a brother that I don't like..:(..:( :(.. That's all for now..:) Have wonderful day..and Wasalam, RAHMI |
| dang sis, all the situations us girls always contemplate about! |
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| PacificBreeze |
| 06/19/01 at 03:12:07 |
| ok..well assalaamu alaikum again.. this is what i say...i say...since the sister (presumably u..so i'll just say 'u'? or ok fine i'll say sis..) already likes ANOTHER bro...the one she has in her mind...i think she can tell the bro who is anxious to marry her that she would like to think about the matter and respond later in the future..or in other words tell him to approach you later...in that meanwhile, u can find out or have ur mahrams or whatever way u do it, find out about that other bro you or the sis (can i just say 'u' cause it's easier to address or i'll confuse myself since i'm sleepy lol i'm using the 'general you' ok? as in anyone..) likes and find out about him..whether he's interested in marriage..etc...or give him a chance to approach you...ok back up...has HE ever implied or tried to propose to u or the sis directly? b/c if he has then half of it is already on the table...if not, then find out if he would be interested or not in a marital alliance with the sis/u..ok..once that's done..then find out if u like the person..their goals/likes/traits etc if they are all acceptable by u or not..something u'd feel comfortable with or not etc...scrutinize the whole situation...do salahtul istikhara etc...n THEN see how u feel or what'll happen..if there's a chance or not...b/c if u already like someone n u find out that he's really worth it, then go for him instead..so u won't ever regret afterwards that u never took up the offer really b/c of the other bro...sooooo in brief, keep the proposing bro at bay while u check to see if the guy u like is really waht u want..b/c if he is, then dismiss the anxious proposing bro n marry that bro u wanted to in the first place.. :) n if u find out taht he's not exactly 'all that' or not compatible with u despite u having been pleased with something about him etc, then u know that u can ALWAYS go back and accept the proposal of the anxious bro who u seem to already be ok with...so do the same with him..before u commit, scrutinize n give him the spotlight or put him on the hot seat until ur satisfied..insha'allah :) hope that made sense... ok.........now...........i've another q...it's so funny how u can think straight when ur not directly involved... ;) there's this bro...n i don't think it's important to get into the specifics although i know that i'd have to weigh them b/c obviously i'd have to scrutinize it myself n compare the outcome etc...n only i can make that decision etc...buuuuut.... if there's a reasonably good bro...who's good in deen, n manners...but..for some reason ur just not interested...maybe b/c u think u might not be able to relate much b/c of a bkgd diff although the bro IS openminded...n maybe b/c ur hung up about a certain future goal or occupation etc..r those grnds reasonable enough to dismiss the bro? i mean..cause everything ofcourse is rizq min Allah..n ofcourse u go back into thinking well how will this bro treat u..how is his personality etc...how is his islaam...but then...u also think well if ur not interested or inclined..(which might naturally be the case since ur not intimate with him etc...but still).......should u just go ahead n dismiss him or do u think she might regret afterwards? aghhhhh....i don't think i will...but then..in the back of ur mind sometimes u think well uknow he IS a good person...although that doesn't mean that all nice/good ppl r the type u need to marry...or did that come out funny... it's just so weird...time is closing in...n a decision has to be made... thoughts from ne one?!?!?!?!?!??!!! wa salaams, uktukum fil islam fee california ur sis in islam in caliland :) |
| Re: A Brother Proposed A Sister...But... |
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| y_rahmi |
| 06/19/01 at 03:34:58 |
| Assalammu'alaikum, Thanks for your nice response :)..The problem is that both that brother are good and pious brothers..and the first brother that the sister has in his mind..actually has ever told her about marriage eventhough he has never told her his direct feeling..maybe he is too shy to say "I love you" :)..But he just said to that sister " I like your view about marriage" :). Yes, I also think we had better try to marry someone that we like if his piety is good. Am I right :)?? Because I think it is not funny if that sister marry the second brother but she still keep her feeling toward the first brother :) Wasalam, RAHMI |
| Re: A Brother Proposed A Sister...But... |
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| PacificBreeze |
| 06/19/01 at 03:46:16 |
| yup, agreed...go with the first! esp since they both have important chars ur concerned with..n if one's the one u like more.....then go for it! buuuut...now get him to propose to the sis!!! :) so she can get on with it already! ;) however.....since he HASN't directly implied or proposed....u never know when IF he'll ever get around to it? so.....it might be cool to have that other bro in a reachable bkgd if the sis IS interested in him if the first one doesn't go thru? je ne sais pas. :) |
| so...just going back btwn my own posts...delightful.. |
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| PacificBreeze |
| 06/19/01 at 15:07:42 |
| anyways, back to talking with myself. yes, i'll just say, No. end of matter, insha'allah. thank you pacific breeze, for allowing me to discuss the matter with u n for giving me ur advice. n thank u jannah org for allowing me to use ur board space to discuss it among myself. :p ws. |
| Re: A Brother Proposed A Sister...But... |
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| Saleema |
| 06/20/01 at 05:09:39 |
| [slm] That was hilarious pacific breeze. :) anyway, Rahmi, that guy needs to control himself and fast!!!! How desperat, sorry, but thats how it looks. but anyway, get the other guy to propose to your friend! :) [wlm] Saleema |
| Re: A Brother Proposed A Sister...But... |
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| BrKhalid |
| 06/20/01 at 05:22:14 |
| Asalaamu Alaikum ;-) [quote]The man in the story has proposed to the lady, and he wants to get married soon to avoid Finah and Zinah, but this lady has someone else in her mind[/quote] [quote]anyway, Rahmi, that guy needs to control himself and fast!!!! How desperat, sorry, but thats how it looks.[/quote] May be I'm wrong here because I still don't fully understand the scenario but if the Brother is trying to speed up the marriage after making a proposal then I'd say we should commend him for it. The way I read it is that he's trying to avoid *potential* fitnah and zina. Allah knows best Wasalaam Br Khalid PS PB I think you need to get out more Sister ;-) |
| Re: A Brother Proposed A Sister...But... |
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| y_rahmi |
| 06/20/01 at 05:32:28 |
| [slm], Well..thanks a lot for all your responses. Hmmm I think my English is not good so many of you are getting confused ..:(:(:( But let me make it clear. Suppose, I am that sister in that story. There is a brother said to me that he likes my piety :) and he wants to meet my parents and propose me to marriage and he wants to marry me soon…Insha Allah. That’s brother is seriously looking for marriage..to avoid fitnah and zina also..and surely he wants to marry for the sake of Allah only. But unfortunately before I met him, I had feel interested in another brother. Then..I get confused what shall I do? Because both are pious ones.. ??? :(???:(.. In fact I don't want to hurt that brother who wants to get married soon, but I also don't want to marry someone that I am not interested in him Now..I hope you will not get confused anymore Insha Allah.. Wasalam, RAHMI |
| ooooh, noticed but no repsponse! ah well...it had to end ne how. :P |
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| PacificBreeze |
| 06/20/01 at 17:43:50 |
| salaams, gracias, amigoette saleema :) hey, hey, br. khalid, what do u mean by THAT, huh? :P i had to end up giving myself advice. :( oh well, it's for me ne how. :p rahmi sweetie....cutie.....patootie...why am i speaking with a dramatic accent? it's the HEAT i swear..the humidity makes u mad..n it's not usual for these parts.. :P look rahmi...look straight into my eyes..it's ok now, i'm a girl..there's no fear of fitnah :P u KNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW that uwant to marry or are interested in the FIRST guy...yeah? ok. u knoooooooooooooooowwwww ulike something or mostly everything about him to really consider him as a decent n total potential...yeah? ok. soooooo GO N GET IT DONE... n THEN ....if it doesn't work out..like the proceedings...then switch over to the OTHER person who u already approved of... :) it doesn't have to be a soap opera insha'allah..the trick is..get it done quick! so it doesnt turn out messy or complicated..cause sometimes like if we think too much about it..like ignore our first reasonings n vibes etc...then we can confuse ourselves to go with almost anything... n yeah....ummm....PB, listen carefully to that. :P k...i just came back from the desert. ws :) |
| Re: A Brother Proposed A Sister...But... |
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| y_rahmi |
| 06/20/01 at 22:08:09 |
| [slm] Sis "PacificBreeze"..:( Sorry I don't know your real name :(..Thanks a lot for your response. Hmm..I found it is very nice to speak :).. Yeah as you told me that it is better to try to go to the first brother :)..so I will not regret it the future. Hmm.. perhaps he is also interested in me :)..but he is too shy to tell it directly..but from his emails..it seems he likes me also..However Allah SWT knows best right:)? We just try but the final decision on Allah SWT's side only. Hmm..btw :) plse pray for me yach :)..Hope everything will go smoothly..Insha Allah :).. Well Sis "PacificBreeze" I have written you an email..:) Hope u will reply it asap..InshaAllah. And hope we can chat directly one day Insha Allah.. Hmmm..:) this is such wonderful day :):):) I am ending this with my kind salam for all sisters and brothers. Wasalam :)RAHMI:) |
| Re: A Brother Proposed A Sister...But... |
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| PacificBreeze |
| 06/21/01 at 01:09:29 |
| wa salaams, sis :) you know what? are you SURE he's interested in you directly for marriage? b/c just hinting about it never really helps..even if u two like each other mutually..he has to actually ASK or propose? do u think he will? or will u just wait till he asks insha'allah (if he ever gets around to it?) i just saw ur email lol :) alrightie then...i shall surface later insha'allah...lol i was in a verrrry hyper mood earlier lol sorry if i got too carried away :) wa salaams p.s. ofcourse our duas are for you that it goes successfully well n ends in 'marital bliss' bi idhnillah :) |
| Re: A Brother Proposed A Sister...But... |
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| y_rahmi |
| 06/21/01 at 02:17:24 |
| [slm] [quote] you know what? are you SURE he's interested in you directly for marriage? b/c just hinting about it never really helps..even if u two like each other mutually..he has to actually ASK or propose? do u think he will? or will u just wait till he asks insha'allah (if he ever gets around to it?) [/quote] Jazakallahu Khairan for your response..also your email :)But I think I can't answer your question here :)..then many people will know about it ;-)..and I will be too shy :)if you still want to know then let us discuss through email :) Insha Allah.. Anyway..thanks a lot for all your responses..actually I have taken many good lessons from all your views..and it can enlarge my horizons about the concept of marriage in Islam..:)..Alhamdulilah.. Btw..when I first visited this Akhwat cafes, I thought that it is only "akhwat" who will be permitted to come here :) and I was surprised when I found messages from "ikhwan" also ;-).. Okay have nice and wonderful day..InshaAllah [wlm] RAHMI |
| Re: A Brother Proposed A Sister...But... |
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| kiwi25 |
| 06/21/01 at 14:19:00 |
| salam, salaam ok here goes (deep breath) at first i was a bit confused but as i read along, things became clearer, the first thing i notcied was that the first brother allready propsed without going to the parents, which we all noe is not supposed to happen now, and it seems that these two brother are very poius mashallah but what are we as muslims suppsoed to do when we have no idea which path to take , THATS RIGHT, holler with me y'all: ISTIKHARA!!!! now here the thing though, if the sister makes istikhara and Allah(SWT) gives a bad feeling for the sister about the brother she likes then she cant go for him or it will be a sin, since Allah(SWT ) allready told her the way, do u catch my drift? so i think personally what i would do is first though is have a mahram check out the brother the sister is interested in u noe? if he's not interested then at least theres the first brother, i noe that kinda sounds liek a 'playa thing' but at least she wont have any feelings for the second brother while shes really considering the first. i hope inshallah that everything works out with everybody. ok im not done hehe :) ok i noe this was written a little while ago in this thread but im going to bring it again becasue for some reason it kinda offended me. brother jehad, how can a husband and wife live together without noeing at least one language together, and on top of that, he's goign to work, leaving his wife with 'mum' and comeng home, having dinner and goign to bed with is wiefy and not have at least a good conversation with his wife, that is haaaaaaaard!!! in islam, maiirage is for the sake of Allah(SWT) and i dont see how thats supposed to happen if u cant communicate with ur husband/wife? you also mentioned how everything will work out as long as she doesnt find out how u really feel about her, now WHOA brother that is against islam right there!! u r not in any circumstances to decieve ppl let alone ur wife(!!!!!!!), it makes no sense! i understand ur supposed respect and obey ur parents(and YES u have to obey ur parents for those of you who said no in the other thread, just remember that its not the same obeying as to Allah) but when ur married a husband has to understnd that he has taken away his wife from her parents and he has to make every action to mke her feel at home esp if he brought her to his home with his relatives, i pray inshallah i havent said anything agaisnt what islam said and that i havent offended anyone and if i have i ask for forgiveness and forgiveness from Allah(SWT) for He is the Oft-Forgiving and Oft-Merciful, wasalam nouha:) |
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