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[10 Tips] How to be a Successful Wife
bhaloo
06/15/01 at 01:14:29
slm One brother asked me to put this up here (I don't know why he didn't put it up himself? ???). [10 Tips] How to be a Successful Wife Prepared by Muhammad Alshareef 10. Use your ‘Fitnah’ to win the heart of your husband All women have the ornaments that Allah blessed them with.  Use the beauty Allah - Azza wa Jal - has bestowed you with to win the heart of your husband. 9. When your husband comes home, greet him with a wonderful greeting Imagine your husband coming home to a clean house, an exquisitely dressed wife, a dinner prepared with care, children clean and sweet smelling, a clean bedroom – what would this do to his love for you? Now imagine what the opposite does to him. 8. Review the characteristics of the Hoor Al-Ayn and try to imitate them The Qur’an and Sunnah describe the women in Jannah with certain characteristics.  Such as the silk they wear, their large dark eyes, their singing to their husband, etc.  Try it, wear silk for your husband, put Kohl in your eyes to ‘enlarge’ them, and sing to your husband. 7. Always wear jewelry and dress up in the house. From the early years, little girls have adorned themselves with earrings and bracelets and worn pretty dresses – as described in the Qur’an.  As a wife, continue to use the jewelry that you have and the pretty dresses for your husband. 6. Joke and play games with your husband. A mans secret: they seek women who are lighthearted and have a sense of humor. As Rasul Allah – sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam – told Jabir to marry someone who would make him laugh and he would make her laugh. 5. Thank your husband constantly for the nice things he does.  Then thank him again. This is one of the most important techniques, as the opposite is a characteristic of the women of hellfire. 4. An argument is a fire in the house. Extinguish it with a simple ‘I’m sorry’ even if it is not your fault. When you fight back, you are only adding wood to the fire.  Watch how sweetly an argument will end when you just say sincerely, “Look, I’m sorry.  Let’s be friends.” 3. Always seek to please your husband, for he is your key to Jannah. Rasul Allah – sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam – taught us that any women who dies in a state where her husband is pleased with her, shall enter Jannah.  So .. please him.   2. Listen and Obey! Obeying your husband is Fard!  Your husband is the Ameer of the household.  Give him that right and respect. 1. Make Dua to Allah to make your marriage and relationship successful. All good things are from Allah. Never forget to ask Allah ta'ala for the blessing of having a successful marriage that begins in this Dunya and continues on - by the Mercy of Allah ta'ala - into Jannah. And Allah ta'ala knows best

Re: [10 Tips] How to be a Successful Wife
Shakira
06/15/01 at 08:36:38
That sounds like something out of a 1950's book, which I can not remember the title right now. -a clean house is a good thing, but with little ones running around it is hard to keep things always looking perfect.  Silk?  I don't know about you but it can be hard to cook with it, and little ones are always attached to something sticky. -eyeliner, is great.  sing to my husband? i think he would rather i not do that. -everyday jewlery is OK, but cooking with many rings, or bracelets can be a little tough.  plus i would rather put my good stuff on to go out to dinner or a party. -say i'm sorry even when i know he is wrong?  come on there are other ways to make nice, rather then say sorry when you know you are not. -listen, yes a couple should listen to each other and talk about what bothers them, and try to come up with a solution that is good for both.  obey, is something a dog does.

Re: [10 Tips] How to be a Successful Wife
ChYnA
06/15/01 at 09:32:47
[slm] I find that the wife version seems offensive cmpare to the husband...dont you think?? sis.shakira I heard about that book...I know what book you are talking about...I'll try to find out the title (attending a women's college---made it impossible to miss) [quote]and sing to your husband[/quote] what happens if you cant sing...then what??? [quote]obey, is something a dog does[/quote]         That word just annoys me soooooooooooo much... "obey your husband" "obey your husband" grrrrrrrrrrrrr

Re: [10 Tips] How to be a Successful Wife
Spring
06/15/01 at 09:54:16
[slm] I think this subject area is quite touchy for us sisters sometimes. I think that this is partly due to the fact that we have been brought up in the west. We are so used to thinking that 'we know what is best for us' and 'we should make our own decisions', 'and why should we do do anything for a man', I'm generalising a little. We shouldn't really see obedience to our husbands as something negative. Obedience to our husbands in no way, diminishes our rights. All it means is that he is the one who makes the final decisions in the end. Insha Allah if our husbands are righteous people, they will discuss matters with us and then reach a decision. Its another burden taken off our shoulders really. We are like advisers and our husbands are like the decision-makers. Concerning some of the other aspects, we expect our husbands to provide for us. We should be providing for them, also, for what they require, perhaps in a slightly different way from what they give us. In the end, if we love our husbands, we'll want to look nice for them, want them to be happy with us and want them to be smiling always. Their home should be a place for comfort for them, a place of refuge from the harshness of the world, as it should be for the wife also. Allah hu 'Alam

Re: [10 Tips] How to be a Successful Wife
Shakira
06/15/01 at 10:45:53
[quote] what happens if you cant sing...then what??? [quote] I guess we can always lipsync If I started to sing, my husband would fall on the floor laughing.

Re: [10 Tips] How to be a Successful Wife
Shakira
06/15/01 at 10:51:09
[quote] We shouldn't really see obedience to our husbands as something negative. Obedience to our husbands in no way, diminishes our rights.  [/quote] Rather then use the word obey, I think it is better to say that mutual respect should be practiced.  There are some men who take that word obey, and run with it.  Wives and Husband are partners in life, no one should have the upper hand on the other.  And for the sake of arguement, I have seen a few women, who's husbands are totally controlled by the wife.  And, again I say that is wrong.  I had to obey my father when I lived in his home.  Now, I am married, and am building a life with my husband and he with I.

Re: [10 Tips] How to be a Successful Wife
humble_muslim
06/15/01 at 11:57:42
AA Obedience, in the sense that there has to be an Ammer (leader) of the household, just as there would be an Ameer of a country.  And obedience to an Ameer is obligatory for both men and women. Of course, being an Ameer is a HUGE resposibility.  It does not mean ordering everyone around, and getting "yes sir, no sir, three bags full sir" from them, but it means that you have the repsonsibilty to look after those under you from both a dunya and deen point of view. Now a govt. cannot work without a leadership which is obeyed, so a household cannot work without a leadership which is obeyed.
NS

Re: [10 Tips] How to be a Successful Wife
eleanor
06/15/01 at 13:27:17
slm What if you don't agree with what he's telling you to do? What if you *know* he's wrong and it's going to cause a lot of hassle if you do what he's telling you? Do you go ahead and do it anyway? And when you try to tell him that he's wrong then he orders you to be quiet? I don't know if the thread is still available, but when I was new here I posted a question on this obedience thing called "the hardest parts of Islam". There was one *excellent* answer which stands out in my mind (I think it was from Br.AbdulBasir) about how obedience has two meanings: one, to follow orders; and the second is to follow GUIDANCE. Now you have to discriminate on whether your husband is unlovingly and dominantly ordering you around, or whether he is gently giving you guidance. It would be great if an administrator or moderator could put a link up to the thread if possible. I also have *huge* problems with this "obedience" thing, and to a certain extent it is having a very negative effect on my marriage, since my husband is from  a culture where 99% of the women blindly obey their husbands and he expects the same from me. I am from a culture (or family) where if the man says something off the wall, or mildly dominating, then he's told in no uncertain terms what to do with his orders. We have to compromise a lot on many many things, and sometimes I feel like it's me doing all the compromising. However, sorry for ranting a bit...getting back to the topic in hand. I have discovered that when I *do* "obey" my husband, then life is so much more harmonious. He is happier and I am happier. Well, I'm happier than if we were fighting all the time. wasalaam eleanor

Re: [10 Tips] How to be a Successful Wife
Anonymous
06/15/01 at 18:07:49
Assalamu Alikum You can see immediately by the things that are said that its been written by a man!!! Anyone seen 10 tips on how to be a successful man/husband?  ..Now that would be good to see! It always seems like the women are always placed with more pressure to have this good image than men.

Re: [10 Tips] How to be a Successful Wife
Anonymous
06/15/01 at 18:09:37
Asslam'alaykum brothers and sisters 9. When your husband comes home, greet him with a wonderful greeting Imagine your husband coming home to a clean house, an exquisitely dressed wife, a dinner prepared with care, children clean and sweet smelling, a clean bedroom – what would this do to his love for you? Now imagine what the opposite does to him. (I think we need to be realistic (I wonder in which world the author lives): yes it is nice to have a clean house and we should try to keep it decently clean.  However, cleaning is not a top priority for many of us who have children.  My husband often told me "if I came back from work and you told me you didn't have time to cook because you were playing with the kids, I wouldn't mind at all".  Also, I really don't like the sentence "what would this do to his love for you?"  What kind of childish and superficial man does it take to love his wife more just because she cleaned the house and put on a nice dress?!  What love has to do with that?!  Yes, he will be pleased with her (who wouldn't?), but is love based just on that?  On outward appearences?  Or on inner qualities?  I just can't believe some people think that way.)   8. Review the characteristics of the Hoor Al-Ayn and try to imitate them The Qur’an and Sunnah describe the women in Jannah with certain characteristics.  Such as the silk they wear, their large dark eyes, their singing to their husband, etc.  Try it, wear silk for your husband, put Kohl in your eyes to ‘enlarge’ them, and sing to your husband. (Silk?  Sorry, I can only afford to buy cotton and polyester.  Try to enlarge my eyes?  Oh my god... So if I have cute little green eyes, I'm not a good looking wife...???  I'm supposed to wish Allah didn't create me that way?  What kind of islam is that?) 4. An argument is a fire in the house. Extinguish it with a simple ‘I’m sorry’ even if it is not your fault. When you fight back, you are only adding wood to the fire.  Watch how sweetly an argument will end when you just say sincerely, “Look, I’m sorry.  Let’s be friends.” (This is how "machismo" continues to survive; with women who constantly apologize even when it's not their fault.  As a result, many many men who abuse their wife continue to think that they are right because the only feedback they receive is apologies from their victim.  Again, what kind of islam is that?) 2. Listen and Obey! Obeying your husband is Fard!  Your husband is the Ameer of the household.  Give him that right and respect. (If I had obeyed my husband everytime he wanted to do something ridiculous, our day-to-day life would be a real disaster.  He has thanked me many times for preventing him to do stupid things (in his own words)).
NS

Re: [10 Tips] How to be a Successful Wife
bhaloo
06/15/01 at 18:15:54
slm I'm waiting to see what Brother Al-Shareef will say, and insha'Allah put that up.  But in the mean time, another respected sister took the time to write the following: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ As Salaamu Alaikum, Br. Al-Shareef! -- Peace Be With You! My statements are in response to your "Tips on How to Be a Successful Wife" lecture. Before I respond, I would like to state that I will be honest with my thoughts and ideas concerning that lecture. I pray you will not take personal offense to any of my comments. If you do, I apologize in advance. My response is not meant to be negative or insulting; however, I do believe I need to be honest and not try to "sugar-coat" my statements. I would also like to state in advance that I am a PRACTICING Muslim woman. Some "scholars" have a tendency to disregard statements from women who do not practice or do not cover their hair, etc. These "scholars" also have an air of arrogance and look down on non-practicing Muslim women, almost as if their opionions, thoughts, and ideas are void on religious matters. I strongly agree with a previous sister's comments that any time it is necessary to bring up gender issues in light of Qur'aan and Sunnah, it is imperative to speak of the Muslim men's responsibilities FIRST. Even in regards to the dress/conduct issue, in the Qur'aan, MEN are instructed FIRST to "Lower your gaze and guard your modesty, for that will make for greater purity for you, and Allah knows all that you do..." Whenever dress code/behavior is discussed in Islamic circles and by the "scholars" themselves, the burden of responsibility for dress, behavior, and conduct is always placed on the women FIRST and then, if we're lucky, maybe men will be mentioned. The pathetic and immoral conditions in the Middle East/Asia are a testement to the fact that no matter how much women cover, men still stare overtly and lustfully at women! Women's dress will NOT control men's behavior -- men's behavior WILL. Whenever we talk about "HIJAB," we need to speak of BOTH men's and women's hijab -- their dress, conduct, way of looking, way of dealing with each other, etc. etc. -- all of this and more falls into the category of HIJAB. I also remind you of an incident during the Prophet's life (peace be upon him) when a male companion was staring at a female companion's face. The Prophet (pbuh) did not cover up the female companion's face, but turned the male companion's face AWAY -- I am sure you are well versed with this incident. I believe what I found most disturbing, typical, and sad about your lecture was the REPEATED emphasis on the PHYSICAL beauty of women in your lecture -- little did I see any emphasis on the MIND, CHARACTER, and PERSONALITY of the Muslim woman and the MERCY, COMPASSION, and UNDERSTANDING necessary between companions in marriage. It was almost as if the only thing that a Muslim woman can give to her husband is a beautiful, clean body, house, and children -- all things of this world?!? Your speech gave further testement to the fact that all men are innterested in are women's bodies and sex. I will cite the examples here to justify my afore-mentioned point: 1) point 10 -- use beauty to win heart of husband... (emphsis on the PHYSICAL) 2) point 9 -- exquisitely dressed wife, clean house, sweet smelling, clean bedroom...etc. (emphasis on the PHYSICAL) 3) point 8 -- Hoor An Ayn, silk, large dark eyes, singing, voice, Kohl, etc., etc. (again, emphasis on the physical! I also think that it is inappropriate Islamically to try to equate Hoor An Ayn with earthly women; the young men -- yes there are men too like the Hoor in Jannah! -- and women in Heaven (Hoor) are creatures Allah (SWT) created in Heaven and it is pointless to try to make any analogies, understand, or inject any of our own ideas, beyond what is written in Qur'aan, about Heaven -- I hope I am making myself clear with this point, otherwise I can explain in another e-mail with "daleel" from Qur'aan and Sunnah. There is another side point I would like to make here. By stating these specific, physical details, you are not being respectful to women in general, for you are objectifying them. You are turning off your audience who wants to go beyond the physical in this World. We are bombarded by physical/materialistic things all the time in the West and all over the world -- make-up, hair products, shoes, men's suits, perfume, etc. etc. I don't know about others, but whenever I do come to Islamic lectures (which I only do so very selectively now because most of the people speaking most of the time are in no position to speak about Deen themselves, for I have found in many cases, they are dishonest, hypocritical, and corrupt themselves), I come to get a spiritual stance on things. I love to hear about issues such as God-consciousness, God-consciousness in marriage, Oneness of Allah, treating others compassionately and respectfully, Dawah, etc. Especially this point, I found to be very shallow and superficial. You are just feeding into the messages that our media bombards us with everyday! Also please consider the women who may not have large, black eyes, a nice voice, who are not "beautiful" -- do they have nothing to offer their husbands? -- my point here is that you need to make statements in your lecture that ALL PEOPLE can relate to, not just a select few. ISLAM is for ALL times and ALL PEOPLES! 4) point 7 -- jewelry, dress up, earrings, bracelets, pretty dresses, etc. -- (again, emphasis is on the PHYSICAL! What good are all of these things if there is no RESPECT, COMPASSION, MERCY, PATIENCE, UNDERSTANDING, LOVE, etc. between the companions in marriage??? Maybe it is these words/points that you should focus on in your lectures -- each word/point separately, emphasizing the MUSLIM MAN's responsibility in bestowing these words on his wife. Allah (SWT) has put many of these things in WOMEN already -- and men for that matter. It is just that men do not show it as much as women. Most men are insecure and find comfort, control, and power in expressing their "egotistical side and arrogance." 5) point 6 -- joke, play games --(this is a good point; yes, we should ALL have a sense of humor about life -- that's the only way that we'll get through it. However, this point again, almost had a sexual overtone in it, almost as if the woman is good for just joking around and having fun. I implore you to also emphasize in your speeches that MUSLIM PEOPLE, in general, have to be very careful when joking so as not to hurt or be offensive to anyone, a practice of the Prophet (pbuh). I can not even count the innumerable times that I have heard vulgar jokes about polygamy, sex, women, etc. from practicing Muslim men, even speakers. Needless to say, my heart is very heavy after each incident, and although I speak up in the most respectful manner possible to admonish the brothers, they take it personally and offensively and always think that I have had a bad personal experience with polygamy, etc. -- which I have not. 6) point 5 -- no need to mention women in Hellfire. Speakers do not attract most in their audience by using the "fear factor." Also, this Hadith about women in Hellfire is sorely misinterpreted, placed out of contect, and used against women in almost all speeches by men. We need to be EXTREMELY careful when citing Hadith and make sure we do not misrepresent a saying of the Prophet (pbuh) by just quoting a few words from it. Again, maybe in another e-mail, I can clarify this point as well. So as you see, Brother, in most of your points, you focused on women's PHYSICAL attributes! My heart was heavy and sad when I read your lecture. I wonder if you did likewise with "Tips On How to be a Successful Husband." My guess is probably not. When MUSLIM MEN are discussed, their physical attributes are least emphasized. Usually, their CHARACTER, COMPASSION, MERCY, etc. towards women is stressed -- NOT something physical, but something emotional and having to do with their minds. Here is my point: actually, there is no such thing as gender equity in Islam -- THERE IS HUMAN EQUITY IN ISLAM FOR EVERY SINGLE LIVING CREATURE, whether it be human or animal. When we can get to this plane of thinking, then we will no longer find such disparities in speeches concerning men and women. The speeches will be more similar than different -- because all of us, no matter which religion we ascribe to or which country we have come from, seek TWO basic things in lifa -- RESPECT and TRUE LOVE. If BOTH men and women give these things sincerely to all around them, not just their spouses, then we would not need "tips on how to be a successful wife or husband." Actually we need to exhaust our discussion of these two words in light of Qur'aan and Sunnah first before we can move on to anything else. There is much more I need to say, but I'm afraid I will bore you if I continue any futher. I think you have received the jist of my message. I pray to Allah again that you will understand my thoughts without taking offense. At the least we should be able to agree to disagree -- a technique that most MUSLIMS in the world still need to master and apply. Was Salaamu Alaikum -- Peace Be With You! Respectfully, AP/IB Physics Teacher Springbrook High School Silver Spring, MD Physics Consultant Educational Testing Service (ETS) Princeton, NJ Muslim Student Association Female "Minister" Johns Hopkins Univeristy Baltimore, MD
NS

Re: [10 Tips] How to be a Successful Wife
BroHanif
06/15/01 at 21:07:27
A.W.W. Isn't this amazin a similiar post is in the Mens section Ikhwan folder and no men to date has objected to any of it. Infact I would say most men have adopted an attitude and lifestyle like that, something like second nature to us men. Really I mean that. However, by having this post in here to be a successful wife, and we are having quite a few discussion points from the sisters. Hmmm very interesting, being a man I have to agree the above are ten beautiful points and perhaps they should be printed out and stuck on the wall. :). Obviously my wife disagrees with me, she cringes and laughs hysterically at those ten 'being a successful wife points'. How will I ever convince her. ? Salaam

Re: [10 Tips] How to be a Successful Wife
nehar
06/15/01 at 22:43:26
[slm] [quote] Isn't this amazin a similiar post is in the Mens section Ikhwan folder and no men to date has objected to any of it. Infact I would say most men have adopted an attitude and lifestyle like that, something like second nature to us men. Really I mean that. [/quote] yeah its similar in the fact that it emphasis' on men more than women, as in men have a better life style and women should obey!! [quote] Hmmm very interesting, being a man I have to agree the above are ten beautiful points and perhaps they should be printed out and stuck on the wall. :). Obviously my wife disagrees with me, she cringes and laughs hysterically at those ten 'being a successful wife points'. How will I ever convince her. [/quote] don't bother convincing her, if u do ur part and duty then im sure she will happily do hers, but when guys make out they r boss, i say sod them!!! [wlm] Nehar

Re: [10 Tips] How to be a Successful Wife
nehar
06/15/01 at 23:03:55
[quote] However, by having this post in here to be a successful wife, and we are having quite a few discussion points from the sisters. [/quote] [slm] ever considered that the brothers r reading how 2 b a good wife and advising their wives, yet the probablity that they read how 2 b a good husband is 4%. TYPICAL MEN!!!! [wlm] Nehar

Re: [10 Tips] How to be a Successful Wife
Mahmoodah
06/16/01 at 06:42:33
[quote]slm One brother asked me to put this up here (I don't know why he didn't put it up himself? ???).[/quote] I wonder who this brother is??? pobably wanted to save himself fr the yells of the sisters!!! [quote] and sing to your husband.[/quote] is sum1 watchin toooooooo many hindi movies??? they sing alot in those, n they sing especially to their huzzys!!! [[quote]An argument is a fire in the house. Extinguish it with a simple ‘I’m sorry’ even if it is not your fault.[/quote] how come its ALWAYS women who hav to b the 1 to put out the fire??? [quote] Listen and Obey! Obeying your husband is Fard!  Your husband is the Ameer of the household.  Give him that right and respect. [/quote] nah, i understood the listen bit, but obey!!! R u off ur head??? wa-salam [/quote]

Re: [10 Tips] How to be a Successful Wife
Lisha
06/16/01 at 08:25:52
slm. Saleema u seem 2 nice n patient!! Abt appologizin  when ur not at fault- nah, he should do wudo when he's in a bad mood. [quote]Sheeshhh... calm down girls!! (women)[/quote] hehehehe! Its obvios da ladies r gonna over react 2 posts like this;) [quote]i mean, i wouldn't sing to my husband, i will to my babies, [/quote]Thats soooo sweet:) [quote]ok, what else do you have complains about? [/quote] The dressin up n wearin make-up, can't u b luved 4 who u r n how u look? (even if it is occasional) wearing kajol??? cum on, please b realistic!!!! :) take care, w'salaam

Re: [10 Tips] How to be a Successful Wife
eleanor
06/16/01 at 10:19:49
slm I was delighted to read the response which was forwarded by Br.Arshad. That sister put everything so beautifully and said exactly what I was trying to say. However I was a little dismayed to read the posts which followed. It was as though you hadn't taken the time to read the posts beforehand. The most important point which I got out of that response was the focus on material and physical beauty..things attached to this world. Did Rasulullah not say that we should be as strangers in this world, passers-by? Then what difference does it make if the wife is wearing silk or the husband is wearing designer pyjamas? If you haven't read it already then please do so now. [quote] I believe what I found most disturbing, typical, and sad about your lecture was the REPEATED emphasis on the PHYSICAL beauty of women in your lecture -- little did I see any emphasis on the MIND, CHARACTER, and PERSONALITY of the Muslim woman and the MERCY, COMPASSION, and UNDERSTANDING necessary between companions in marriage. It was almost as if the only thing that a Muslim woman can give to her husband is a beautiful, clean body, house, and children -- all things of this world?!? Your speech gave further testement to the fact that all men are innterested in are women's bodies and sex. I will cite the examples here to justify my afore-mentioned point: 1) point 10 -- use beauty to win heart of husband... (emphsis on the PHYSICAL) 2) point 9 -- exquisitely dressed wife, clean house, sweet smelling, clean bedroom...etc. (emphasis on the PHYSICAL) 3) point 8 -- Hoor An Ayn, silk, large dark eyes, singing, voice, Kohl, etc., etc. (again, emphasis on the physical! I also think that it is inappropriate Islamically to try to equate Hoor An Ayn with earthly women; the young men -- yes there are men too like the Hoor in Jannah! -- and women in Heaven (Hoor) are creatures Allah (SWT) created in Heaven and it is pointless to try to make any analogies, understand, or inject any of our own ideas, beyond what is written in Qur'aan, about Heaven -- I hope I am making myself clear with this point, otherwise I can explain in another e-mail with "daleel" from Qur'aan and Sunnah. There is another side point I would like to make here. By stating these specific, physical details, you are not being respectful to women in general, for you are objectifying them. You are turning off your audience who wants to go beyond the physical in this World. We are bombarded by physical/materialistic things all the time in the West and all over the world -- make-up, hair products, shoes, men's suits, perfume, etc. etc. 4) point 7 -- jewelry, dress up, earrings, bracelets, pretty dresses, etc. -- (again, emphasis is on the PHYSICAL! What good are all of these things if there is no RESPECT, COMPASSION, MERCY, PATIENCE, UNDERSTANDING, LOVE, etc. between the companions in marriage??? [/quote] wasalaam eleanor

Re: [10 Tips] How to be a Successful Wife
*sofia*
06/17/01 at 23:05:55
Assalaamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh, sisters I figured this would spark a bit of controversy amongst the sisters, but one thing I did want to say (besides, "chi-hi-hill") was, the actual lecture itself was based on some shaikh's book/lecture, who I can't recall right now, so there's a lot of beef missing.  Muhammad Al-Shareef gave the lecture on husbands BEFORE he gave the one on wives [ie, he told the bros how to be successful husbands b4 the sisters how to be successful wives...].  At the actual lectures, there were a lot more details given; the notes really don't do much justice.  I would find it a bit on the emphasis-too-much-on-the-physical side myself, had I not been there.  But I think the major intent for both lectures is to not neglect the little things that make a marriage work, wAllahu'alim.  The major factors (humility to Allah, mutual respect, etc) aren't really mentioned here, b/c wAllahu'alim, those should already be there to make any marriage work.  Not to say, this will only work in a perfect relationship; no one's perfect.  I don't want to put words in anyone's mouth, but that's my take on it.  Every family needs an ameer.  You can't have an ameer to [brace yourselves] obey, when he isn't following the laws of Allah.  Allahu'alim, really, I think these lectures were intended for relationships that are already characterized by the major factors everyone seems to be harping on...the "To Love, Honor and Obey" thread is worth taking another look at, in relation to this topic.

Re: [10 Tips] How to be a Successful Wife
Saleema
06/17/01 at 00:21:02
[slm] You guys are being a little too hard on him. Chill out ladies. He pretty much gave the same advise to the husbands. the singing part was funny. and the apology was a bit too much. but give him the benefit of doubt. if you have read his other lectures you will know that he doesn't think like that. and i'm sure there is a lot to his lecture than what was posted on here. [wlm] Saleema

Re: [10 Tips] How to be a Successful Wife
Saleema
06/17/01 at 03:05:01
3. Always seek to please your husband, for he is your key to Jannah. Rasul Allah – sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam – taught us that any women who dies in a state where her husband is pleased with her, shall enter Jannah.  So .. please him.   2. Listen and Obey! Obeying your husband is Fard!  Your husband is the Ameer of the household.  Give him that right and respect. Ok these two suggestions bother me. Somehow I missed these when i first read it. And as for saying sorry even when it's not your fault. Let me tell you of my experience. I had a fight with my fiance and i was telling him how horrible he was and he apologized. when i stoped telling him how horrible he was after he apologized he explained to me what had happened and we had misunderstood each other. it was my fault really--what we were talking about. (but i still didnt apologize  :)  ) so see, apologizing to calm a situation is not that bad or degrading. if such a situation ever arises again and he's ticked off, i might apologize just to calm us down. and other than that, i think he pretty much gave the same advise to the men. he told them to look nice for their wives too. and he did talk about other things besides looking beautiful for your husband. [wlm] Saleema

Re: [10 Tips] How to be a Successful Wife
Saleema
06/17/01 at 03:10:30
[slm] Ok. I went back and read his suggestion for wives and husbands again. and he said to the husbands to look nice for their wives one time while most of the suggestions for wives were about looking beautiful. I'm annoyed a little bit now. That's not fair. we aren't objects of pleasures only. but some of the suggestions were still good. [wlm] Saleema

Re: [10 Tips] How to be a Successful Wife
mango
06/17/01 at 18:01:28
umm... let me guess here.. was jehad the guy who originally wanted the post?

Re: [10 Tips] How to be a Successful Wife
mango
06/17/01 at 18:03:49
he's been awfully quiet.

Re: [10 Tips] How to be a Successful Wife
Anonymous
06/17/01 at 19:33:17
Bismillah Al Rahman Al Raheem I must say that I am very disappointed in many of the sisters' replies to these tips. I think the biggest, and most important thing that all of you have overlooked is the fact that obeying your husband is equivalent to a women's JIHAD.   Ladies, this is your way to jannah!  Do not give heed to how western women have conditioned you to respond.  Of course the things that a women must do for her husband are different from those that he is required to do for her.  HIS jihad is different from ours!  I truly pray to Allah Subhanahu wa ta3ala for guidance for us all.   I think what this brother had to say was very valid and may Allah reward him for his efforts.  It really disgusts me how some women today are so ready to argue and beat someone up for trying to give them a few helpful suggestions.  If some of you don’t want to use some of these brother’s suggestions, simply don’t use them...but don’t discourage other women from getting ajir and pleasing Allah Subhanahu wa ta3ala.  I mean, does it hurt you when other women are gaining there way to jannah?  I mean, THINK before you respond to something.  Is this really going to help someone else please Allah???  I don’t like to argue.  I think most of it is a waste of time.  I really do not intend to offend anyone, but I must say that the western world has put a taboo on the word obey.  There is nothing wrong with obeying your husband- absolutely nothing.  I truly do not intend to offend anyone with this response. Let's just remember that this is our JIHAD, and that we do these things for Allah's sake, and for His pleasure and nothing else. Subhan Allahu Wa Bi7amdik Nashhadu Ana La Illaha Ila Ant, Nastaghfiruka Wa Natubo Ilaek.
NS

Re: [10 Tips] How to be a Successful Wife
Kashif
06/17/01 at 20:22:44
assalaamu alaikum [quote]3. Always seek to please your husband, for he is your key to Jannah. Rasul Allah – sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam – taught us that any women who dies in a state where her husband is pleased with her, shall enter Jannah.  So .. please him.[/quote] I would assume that this is based on the numerous statements of the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alaihi wa sallam to that effect, amongst which are: "If a woman prays the five prayers, guards her private parts, and obeys her husband, she will enter Paradise from any door she wishes." [Tabarani & Ibn Hibban: Hasan/Sahih] ".. I (the aunt of Husain ibn Muhsan) came to the Prophet for some need of mine. He said 'You there, are you married?' I said 'Yes.' He asked 'How are you towards your husband?' She said, 'I do not fall short in anything except that which i am unable to do.' He said, 'Well, look to your position in relation to him, for it is the key to Paradise and Hell.'" [Tabarani, Ibn Majah: Sahih] Please don't misunderstand me when i say that all a woman has to do is to pray five times a day, fast Ramadan, guard herself and obey her husband and she can enter jannah through any door she wishes. I'm not belittling the work of a wife... but what a tremendous reward.... entering jannah thru whichever gate you wish. Can you list any hadith that offer men specifically same reward? The only action that comes to mind having a comparable reward is dying in the path of Allah. [quote] 2. Listen and Obey! Obeying your husband is Fard!  Your husband is the Ameer of the household.  Give him that right and respect. [/quote] This, in fact, is the opinion held by scholars such as Imam Malik, Ahmed Ibn Taymiyyah & Sh. Al-Albani. However, in a brief discussion of this topic, Sh. Albani alongside his comments of support for this opinion states: "Each of them (i.e. the two spouses) should fully carry out the duties and reponsibilities with which Allah has obligated them toward the other. Thus, the wife should not try to have all of the same rights as her husband, and the husband must never exploit the role of leadership and authority to which he has been assigned in the marriage relationship to oppress her, strike her or be otherwsie unfair to her." Alhumdulillah, what balance. What this means to me is that even though a brother may hold this opinion he doesn't constantly shove it down her throat and keep reminding her of it. He doesn't bring the house down because he asked for rice and she made roti. He recognises that he is the head of the household and while having the right of obedience from her, if he sees her stressed out or otherwise, its he that pulls out the pots and pans and starts cooking. There are some brothers who expect nothing less than 100% obedience 100% of the time, and others who take an easier approach. And likewise, there are some sisters who are fine with the issue of obedience, and others who are feel repulsed by the word 'obey'. Making the right match would insha'llah be a good indicator to the happiness of the marriage. Kashif Wa Salaam

Re: [10 Tips] How to be a Successful Wife
*sofia*
06/17/01 at 22:50:51
Assalaamu alaikum wa rahmatullah I just reread my post on this thread.  It may not have been clear, but just to clarify, my post was in defense of bro Muhammad al-Shareef; I actually agreed with most of what he had to say at the lecture.  The typed notes, however, didn't do the lecture much justice.  That's all.
NS

Re: [10 Tips] How to be a Successful Wife
Saleema
06/18/01 at 01:34:31
[slm] I like brother Kashif's response. But why tell the women to look nice in almost all the sugestions and tell the men only once? and no one is stoping anyone from obeying their husbands. [wlm] Saleema

Re: [10 Tips] How to be a Successful Wife
Arsalan
06/18/01 at 02:01:48
[slm] Very, very interesting thread indeed!  I'm quite surprised to say the least ... Btw, I did not know about the existence of this thread when I posted in the 10 Tips thread of the Ikhwan Club.   I would really like to see Sisters Mona, Barr, Jannah and The Original Three (se7en, khathija, dhikr) reply to this.

Re: [10 Tips] How to be a Successful Wife
Saleema
06/18/01 at 02:37:52
[slm] i accidently removed my message on the firt page when i was supposed to do it on the last.  :( what a bad night [wlm] Saleema

Re: [10 Tips] How to be a Successful Wife
mango
06/18/01 at 12:36:35
I absolutley agree with sofia. Everyone knows that wives should obey their husbands...that is, husbands do have the final say in matters.  That's not what i was arguing about. but what really bothered me about the tips is that it only emphasized a woman's physical beauty ..not her internal beauty. To be the best wife and mother..internal beauty as a result of being  close to Allah (SWT) is what truly matters. Salam jehad..I should apologize to you..i'm sorry.

Re: [10 Tips] How to be a Successful Wife
BrKhalid
06/18/01 at 13:51:15
Asalaamu Alaikum ;-) Does anyone know how Br Muhammad Al Shareef defined success when he talked about being a "successful wife"? For example did he mean success in making a successful marriage or did he mean success in pleasing her husband? To me all the points with the exception of Nos 1 & 4 seemed about success in pleasing your husband and only 1 & 4 dealt with success in your marriage. Hence the $64,000 question: If you are successful in pleasing your husband, does this mean you will have a successful marriage? Or put another way: Can a marriage be successful if a wife is not successful in pleasing her husband? Another point I wanted to raise is that being a "successful wife" is the end objective. The tips that were given were the "means" of achieving that objective. But in order to evaluate how good these tips are, shouldn't we first define what we think a "successful wife" is like? For example, lets say for the sake of argument that one of the qualities of a successful wife is that she makes her husband smile when he sees her and that brings contentment to his heart. If we agree that this is a quality wives should strive for in their marriage then surely one way of bringing a smile to his face is to smile at him when you see him? Hence if you used my example above, one of my tips would be to smile at your husband when you first see him. Now you may take this one step further and suggest that you can also get him to smile by beautifying yourself. See now this is where the debate starts in my opinion. The original list suggests that making oneself attractive is one method of making your husband smile in my example. Hence a successful wife is one that makes her husband smile when he sees her and she does this by making herself look attractive. Thus when we come to *evaluate* the tips in my example we simply have to ask ourselves which method makes the husband smile *more* since we've defined the ability to make your husband smile as the basis for success. Of course if you don't agree that making your husband smile is a characteristic of a successful wife, you won't agree that you have to look attractive for him and that's a perfectly reasonable thought process. So what's my point? Well I don't know actually I've written so much I think I've confused myself ;-) I'll just leave it at that Wasalaam Br *always has a smile on his face* Khalid ;-)

Re: [10 Tips] How to be a Successful Wife
Khathija
06/18/01 at 20:00:23
[quote] I would really like to see Sisters Mona, Barr, Jannah and The Original Three (se7en, khathija, dhikr) reply to this.[/quote] i really didn't want to reply to this thread. lately there has been so much arguing going on, it has been kinda depressing on the board, but since i was asked to comment, i guess i'll give my opinion, and my opinion only! with the whole obey thing, i think the whole thing is blown out of proportion. no one was asking a wife to become her husbands slave. i believe the way we obey our husband is different then the way we obey our parents. im not married, maybe when i do get married i'll change, i dunno. but i do know that every nation, club, school, and business needs some sort of leader and in a marriage that leader is our husband. if there wasn't a leader for the nation, club, school,business or marriage, there would be chaos and everything would fall apart. nuff said ok the physical beauty/attractiveness part hmmmm... well this is what i think. as a girl we are always cautioned not to draw attention to our self, meaing no make up, not to much jewelry, etc. but you husband is the one man whom you can dress up in front of, put make up on for. there is nothing wrong with that. all i really have to say is that this is an opinion of a 16 yr old girl, i have ways to go before i get married, and when i do i might feel differently about what i just said. my fellow members of the albany mafia are away at the retreat with br mokhtar and im here stuck b/c of exams boo hoo :( so there will be a while before response ok me out

Re: [10 Tips] How to be a Successful Wife
Barr
06/19/01 at 03:04:33
Assalamu'alaikum warahmatullah :-) Dearest Brothers and Sisters... Like Khatija... I didn't really plan to post a reply to this topic. But inshaAllah, here's just some of my thoughts.... I think I do echo some of the responses mentioned in this thread... and would just probably extend on those points. Reviewing back about one characteristic of marriage is that it is about growth as well.... Not just our tarbiyah or self development and our relationship with Allah, but also, about the growth of love that we have with each other. On that point, I think it's really in man's nature to be attracted to what is beautiful. But perhaps, the issue here, is... what is beautiful that brings a smile to our hearts and causes love to grow even stronger and more enduring? Perhaps physical beauty does, like the warm smile and sweet fragrance that greets him when he comes home... but I feel that the ruh (soul) behind that physical beauty is the determining factor, that would eventually touch his heart to smile. coz, though what is beautiful outside may not reflect internally, but what is beautiful inside would show it's reflection externally.... I mean, a friend of mine was married to a really good-looking man, well dressed and hmm... what one would call - a hunk. But to her, she sees no beauty in him, only ugliness, for he cheated on her, and he is so far away from Islam... and no matter how sweet his smile and words are, his suaveness and hunkiness can't compensate what his heart has become. And I think brothers/sisters from abusive relationships can vouch for this, inshaAllah. Yes, so, the article does seem to weigh a lot on physical beauty... but sisters, I think we should calm down. As mentioned before, the notes may not reflect completely what Br Shareef said... and I think we should listen to what he has to say to defend himself. But like I said... personally, I think men are very visual, and hence, are more inclined to the beauty that he can see... that only accentuates the true beauty that he has married. As again, marriage is a lot of hard work, and needs a lot of TLC (tender loving care)... and knowing where the soft spots of men lies... well, I guess... that'll just make things easier for us to flourish a more successful marriage, inshaAllah. [quote] Listen & Obey! [/quote] Marriage is a partnership - to make it work, to make it successful, to bring tranquility, love and mercy to us. And in that partnership, there need be complementary roles for that to happen. A leader is only a leader when he has a follower; otherwise, that role ceases to take place. And I think, it is clear in Islam, that in a family, as we ride on the ship of marriage, there would be the captain of the ship, and his deputy. And this leadership does not come with blind-following, but rather, to me, being the wife who shares her opinions, and give ideas and thoughts to her husband only enriches his leadership for him to steer where his family is going. But he would need his entrusted wife to help him to be the good leader in helping him make and carry out decisions  … but at the end of the day, he is the one has the final say, for he is the one that would be held accountable and responsible for the well being of his family and is answerable to Allah and we complement that responsibility by respect and be consenting to him, when he makes such decisions. And it’s always abt shura (consultation), prior to decision.   Maybe, a better choice of words should be used for the article? Wallahua’lam

just a comment...can see both sides...
PacificBreeze
06/19/01 at 03:34:17
assalaamu alaikum, i can understand where everyone's coming from..n the list COULd look ugly...but as long as u have the RIGHT perspective..like understand where it's coming from n what the bro/shaykh (doesn't he have shaykh status?) was saying...i don't think there would be taht many objections? b/c again, it all depends on WHO the bro is that ur marrying..obviously if he's truly islamically educated, he'll t reat u right..things would be mutually done, but he would have that ameer status n u won't mind him having it b/c he's  very just n kind n considerate n intelligent n all that other good stuff etc....so....this is in response to that better ideal bro...as a husband n not just ne ordinary guy who can't follow the right characteristics :p ;) but the one who has it together etc.. :) then ofcourse u wouldn't mind..n singing etc..just light hearted stuff to make sure u two are lovey dovey n pleasant n pleasing to one another etc... :P giving each other attention..etc.. that over with.......i really do feel uncomfortable with the emphasis of 'beauty' or physical looks as well..although i'm sure it wasn't written with that purpose in mind etc...but it is disturbing..u find so many ppl hung up about a certain look or certain attributes which are purely physical..not that it's really wrong or anything..but do u really want to marry someone who's so concerned about phys appearances rather than who u really are or what u believe in etc?? i don't know...but that topic's always been a bit uncomfy for moi...ofcourse we're supposed to look pleasing n that's just given/natural but sometimes emphasizing it esp in the phys sensitive enviro we live in where there's a certain look that everyone has to attain etc...or size up (by looking like one) to the models n actresses etc that are displayed n widely adored etc...it's just...weird...sounding...? anyhow...if u understand it, it wouldn't sound as bad.. ;) n ofcourse it's exactly vice versa for the hus..(well 99999%) wa salaams.. just a comment..

Re: [10 Tips] How to be a Successful Wife
Kashif
06/19/01 at 10:18:15
From "Tips to a better marriage" in the marriage section on this site "1. Be conscious of your physical appearance. [... text deleted ...] Be aware that you live in a society that places a high premium on physical appearance. It flaunts the shapely female and her muscular counterpart. Temptations that beckon non-Muslims beckon Muslims as well. Don 't allow your mate to get side-tracked by the likes of a 'Raquel Welch or an Arnold Schwarzenegger'. Jog, join a gym, roller skate, swim and stay in shape. Insha' Allah, you will be more vibrant, more radiant, and more attractive to your mate."
NS

Re: [10 Tips] How to be a Successful Wife
Madani
06/24/01 at 03:59:03
As salamu alaykum all A brother told me that the 'Successful Wife' emailer was causing a stir at Jannah.  So I looked this up ... and lo and behold ... a stir it was. Interestingly, I read every reply here and then went to read the brothers reply to the 'Successful Husband' emailer.  Umm..I felt a little safer over there. Anyhow, here is my response, and you are more than welcome to comment - in sha allah though I'll try to keep my replies to 3 paragraphs max to save time for us all. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ok, the notes were based on two lectures, the first entitled 'How to be a successful Husband' at Dar Al Arqam in Virginia and the other 'How to be a successful wife' at Dar-us-Salaam in College Park, MD. The husband lecture was given long before the wife lecture, contrary to those who jumped to the conclusion 'why don't I talk to the men.' I did, and it was well recieved alhamdulillah and many men told how they changed their attitude towards their wives. In sha Allah, maybe in a future post i'll give examples. The basis of both lectures is a translation of Imam Ibraheem Ad-Duwayyish's Arabic tapes; one entitled "The art of dealing with your wife", the other one "Halal Magic (for the Sisters)". I changed the titles to How to be a successful husband/wife, but the content is the same.  [Translation = the two emails are not my 'creative' writing] From experience, many times when husband and wife try listening to an Islamic tape dealing with marriage, each one listens for their rights, and kinda throws a deaf ear to the rights due from them. For example, the shaykh will say and the husband should do this and this (husband is quite) and the wife should do this (husband says, 'see I TOLD YOU!) and vice versa.  It's a sad attitude, and one not befitting of a Muslim.  We give the right due from us and ask Allah ta'ala for our right that is due to us (as Rasul Allah - sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam said) The email was indeed a bad summary of the lecture. I realize that now, for some sisters here suggested points which I mentioned in the original lecture, but because no one knew that it just came off in a bad way. My apologies. In sha Allah, Islamway.com hosts my lectures, and in sha' Allah these two lectures shall soon be available so you can hear the unclipped version. All what was said (the bad wording aside) comes from the Qur'an, Sunnah or from our Ummah's legacy of righteous males and females. Two things that need to be ammended (1) Listen and Obey ... unless the husband asks you to commit something against Islam. So if he tells you to take off your Hijab - for example - a wife does not and cannot obey her husband.  (2) Say sorry even if your not wrong. What's meant is in issues like 'Who finished all the oreo cereal?' (which may blow up in a marital kung-fu fight). It was not meant in cases where the husband is physically abusing his wife, or he's an alchoholic or something like that. Those are extremes and I pray that they are not the norm. What was meant was your everyday pathetic arguments that could be easily shut down. I teach grade 1,2,3 Islamic studies. This year, when we started learning about TV, I was shocked to see all the energy and happiness that mere mention of that one eyed monster brought to these kids. Even the ones that didn't have TV felt embarressed that they didn't have one. From there, I realized that we need to focus more on issues that are controversial (because of all the Muslims that are drenched in ignorance of it) and not shy away even though some people disagree. In sha Allah, it's my hope to address more issues that touch closer to home.  In sha Allah, one of the upcoming khutbahs shall be on Internet pornography, IN sha Allah in two weeks time. If your not on our email list to recieve these ekhutbahs, you can join by sending a blank email to AddMe@Soon.com Also, if you ever need to message me you can visit my forum at www.delphi.com/khutbah Jazakum Allahu Khayr for taking the time to read this. Whatever was in these emails that was correct was from Allah and His Messenger alone, and whatever in it that was wrong was from myself and the Shaytaan, and Allah and His Messenger are absolved from it. Your brother Muhammad Alshareef aka Madani *and a little controversy never hurt anyone (wink, wink)

Re: [10 Tips] How to be a Successful Wife
dhikr
06/25/01 at 18:34:01
[slm] subhanallah... i dont know whats going on here, and i really dont understand it. why does it seem like were trying to attack every little thing said here, subhanallah... first i would like to say, guess wat yo, were all muslims. why dont we try to trust each other, why are we all attacking each other, why are we always trying to look for fault in something, instead of trying to benefit from the good, whats going here? it seems like we all have these evil eyes. the person most likely posted this with the best of intentions, and look at us ripping it apart. it reaaly does scare me, im here, and sheerly because of the fact were muslim, ppl who are trying to fulfill the best way of life, im trying to trust everyone, and assume that everyone has good intentions. read thngs for what they are, and please guys please, try to take from the good in it, please...sigh as for the post, personally, i understand where all those tips are coming from. i think that alot of the times, sisters and sisters issues have put the sisters on the defense all the time, whenver "obey" and "husband" come in the same sentence the girls raises her guard 293578934709 times more. this wall builds really high. calm down sistahs. its ok, at the retreat i saw this mashallah beautiful couple, just beautiful, subhannalllah, i think abt them and i cry. i want what they have. the couple came with their 11? month old baby. (btw she was the most adorable girl ive seen in my life mashallah) there was this one time, after we went hiking,everyone was reading their reflections, and the brother was saying some of the most amazing things, the most deep reflections of us all, and soon, he got all choked up and started crying bec. of his love for Allah swt. everyone was crying, subhanallah, i look over at his wife, tears are rolling down her cheek, tears of love for Allah and all His mercy, but when i looked in her eyes, you could also see all this love, you could see how proud and how much she loved her husband, as those tears were rolling dwon her face, she held her baby and squeezed her so tight and stared at her husband, thats love right there,  thats what i want, subahanallah, thye truly loved each other for the sake if ALlah swt, i dunno what to say as for the tips, lemme say a lil sumthin, after the retreat, and after seeing that , i learned that theres so much more than love in reference to looking good for ur husband and looking good for ur wife. theres somehtign deeper than that, i heard this one sister there say, when you love your husband for the sake of Allah, because He swt is merciful,compassionate,eternal, you husband loves you for the4 sake of Allah because He swt is merciful, compasssionate, eternal, and together, you work, to further youselves in this journey to Him swt, thats is your collective goal, then Inshallah, thatll be your collective focus, your goal, not only in this life by yourelf, but in your marriage togehter, TOGETHER. dont ever forget that; and inshallah, then inshallah, inshallah, Allah swt will make your marriage merciful, compassionate and eternal inshallah, allahualim. (thats what that sister was telling us, i love u girl) please everyone, always rememeber that youre in it together, youre on the same side, and you have one goal, work together to accomplish that, and when u have that, (im getting to my point soon) when u have that, everything, EVERYTHING that those tips were talking abt inshallah will come naturally, will come so easily, subhanallah. sisters, one piece of advice, i kno weve dealt with alot, beleive me ive had my share, but hun, let go of that defense, esp when speaking of the person thatll prolly be closer to you than any other, that becomes half of your deen , that you love for the sake of ALlah swt. what i dont understand is why, just WHY are we like this, is it so hard to take  the extra few seconds to straighten out that outfit before he comes home, is it so hard ? the way i see it is, whats the big deal, all that is just ur ego inflating real high, supress that ego, supress ur nafs as well, i mean, the little things that u mite do for ur husband here and there, if therye not gonna kill you, just do it, all its gonna do, is make him a lil happy, isnt it worth it, i mean, it not like its gonna be not appreciated, im sure husbands WILL notice the little things, and whats it gonna do, it just gonna show him that u love him, and hten , whats that gonna do, its just gonna make him wanna treat u better and better and better, so in the end you still win , well thats not a good way of putting it, but lets just say inshallah by the will of ALlah it wont go unnoticed, itll just make YOUR marriage sweeter. remember, your on the same side, so if whether u do those things or not, ur still on the same side, i mean in the end your still gonna be with that person, for like EVER so, it someimtes just maybe a little makes it nicer when you try to make things more comfortable for each other, i reeeeeeeeeeeeaaaly pray that inshallah we marry someone who will be the coolness of our eyes, ameen a SUCCESSFU marriage wiht the purest of intentions will inshallah lead to true SUCCESS in the hereafter inshallah inshallah inshallah. anything that i have said of good is from ALlah swt and anythign that i have said wrong is of my own, please forgive me for my shortcomings, i write with the best of intentions, mean no harm by it, (so basically after i hit post, please dont attack me too hard.be kind, please rewind???) [wlm] razia ps. guys: its ok to be whipped, your wives will inshallah notice that and love more    girls: we all mite be uptight now, saying " oh no im never gonna cook" , yehhhhhhhhhhhhhh rite, everyone becomes a softee after marriege, ive seen it oh so many times. but its alllll goood, theres nothing wrong wiht that at all, it just shows much love there is, love fisabililah of course;)

Re: [10 Tips] How to be a Successful Wife
Anonymous
06/29/01 at 19:29:55
Assalamu Alaykum, Why the big problem? That was just simple Islamic advice, personally as a muslimah I really really agree with that mind you I would also expect that much from my husband. The 10 tips for a husband even comments on the man lookng good too and dressing up. Obviously not all marriages would work like this but by just saying sorry to settle the dispute, a habit to be adopted by both partners, would be useful.  I don't know about you but as I read the article it didn't create an image of macho bigness woteva but one of cooperation, compassion and love for the sake of Allah. I will really savour those articles cos they are jewels of guidance. Subhanallah.

this is late, I know...
se7en
08/12/01 at 00:23:00
as salaamu alaykum wa rahmatAllah, eleanor said: [quote]I don't know if the thread is still available, but when I was new here I posted a question on this obedience thing called "the hardest parts of Islam". There was one *excellent* answer which stands out in my mind (I think it was from Br.AbdulBasir) about how obedience has two meanings: one, to follow orders; and the second is to follow GUIDANCE. Now you have to discriminate on whether your husband is unlovingly and dominantly ordering you around, or whether he is gently giving you guidance. It would be great if an administrator or moderator could put a link up to the thread if possible. [/quote] You can find that post [url=http://www.jannah.org/cgi-bin/yabb/YaBB.pl/YaBB.pl?board=sisters&action=display&num=2312]here[/url]. :) [quote]I would really like to see Sisters Mona, Barr, Jannah and The Original Three (se7en, khathija, dhikr) reply to this. [/quote] I do have some comments to make.. inshaAllah when I'm a bit more calm I'll post :)

Re: [10 Tips] How to be a Successful Wife
Sonny
08/12/01 at 16:15:33
My gosh!--wow! You people amaze me!  I am so glad to read ALL the comments here...I thought it was good of Arshad to post both sides of the argument--and both arguments so well presented.  :)  Also was glad to see that there are other women who feel as I have sometimes, and still sometimes, feel, that the word 'obey' is a strong word and evokes strong feelings. However, if you meet someone you love enough to attempt this, how lucky would that be?  There was one point that did stress the physical--I think it was--'clean and sweet smelling house and children, a delicious dinner, and a well-dressed wife' hmm--something like that--but I think, well, you will probably clean your house and groom your children and yourself each day regardlesss of your spouses appreciation or lack of it--how enjoyable could life be if your spouse appreciated these efforts, and responded with love for the efforts you make towards a happy home, as opposed to ignoring or insulting your efforts?  I think the appreciation  would be great! Also, having looked around at couples in all kinds of relationships, for some reason, the women who do obey their husbands seem to be the happiest sort...I have no explanation for this, but I have noticed it. As Kashid mentioned, not including those 'extremes' where rights are abused--but where the rights are respected, and the responsibilities pretty well spelled out, those marriages do seem happy. One last point--some women are gifted with both intelligence, articulation, and drive (as in carreer oriented)--therefore they may have some advantages in the decision making process that they would not want or need to give up. Other women, who are not as skilled at decision making probably would appreciate guidance. I don't think either position has to be wrong or right--what works between you and your spouse is just what works for you.  But I just think it's great to air the topic openly--what a range of responses are posted here! As for taking the time to make oneself pretty--no matter how plain a woman is, a little bit of color can help! I used to work in a nursing home--and for the elderly women who requested it we would apply lipstick and rouge--what a difference! Their eyes would sparkle, they would smile with satisfaction, they would hold their heads up...and without fail, it would make me smile back...verrry pretty sight, the sparkle in those old eyes. That's not a physical thing...it's a beauty that's beyond that, which is just enhanced by the effort to care for oneself. Le? I am for this womens' right's thing. I think it would be just great to be appreciated for the things that I Can do. :)--Sonny

Re: [10 Tips] How to be a Successful Wife
eleanor
08/13/01 at 05:39:03
slm [quote] remember, your on the same side, so if whether u do those things or not, ur still on the same side, i mean in the end your still gonna be with that person, for like EVER [/quote] This is what it all comes down to. My husband has told me *so* many times "I'm on your side"  "I only want what's best for you" etc. He can't make out why I treat him like the enemy so often. And do you know he's absolutely right. wasalaam eleanor
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