Madina Archives

Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board

joke
Kashif
06/16/01 at 21:09:01
--------------------------------------------------------------- Obituary Detriot, Michigan, USA Larry LaPrise, songwriter, best known for his well loved composition "The Hokey Kokey" died last week aged 83. His funeral was problematic. When the funeral directors tried to put him in his coffin, they put his left leg in, but things started to go downhill from there.
NS

Re: joke
zia
06/17/01 at 00:16:33
Salaams come on bros...u can do betta than that :0)

Re: joke
Lisha
06/17/01 at 08:18:09
Sr. Zia, i tottally agree, da jokes r a bit........hmmmmmm!!!

Re: joke
abdulsamad
06/17/01 at 08:35:12
slm,   Okay...try this: A construction worker is at the dentist. The dentist pokes things in his mouth and every time he complains, the dentist says "Oh that doesn't hurt. It's just a measuring device." After this happens a few times, the guy gets up, takes everything out of his mouth, and says "I need to go out to my truck, get my ruler, come back and whack you on the head with it. It shouldn't hurt, though. It's just a measuring device." wlm

Re: joke
abdulsamad
06/17/01 at 10:21:35
slm,    Here's another one: A man buys a donkey from a priest. The priest tells him how to ride the donkey: To make him go, you   say "Praise the Lord" and stop is "Hallelujah". So the man mounts the donkey, says "Praise the Lord" and tries to hang on to the donkey, which moves quite fast. They approach a cliff. The panicked man tries to remember the word for stop. At the edge of the cliff, he remembers: "Hallelujah!" The donkey stops. Relieved, the man then says "Praise the Lord"... wlm

Re: joke
Mahmoodah
06/17/01 at 10:49:21
salam, ok its gettin slightly better, but u can still do beta then this!!! wa-salam

Re: joke
abdulsamad
06/17/01 at 11:56:13
Assalamu Alaikum,   A pompous colonel had just moved into his new office and was sitting at his desk when a private knocked on the door. Aware of his rank, the colonel told the private to enter, then quickly picked up the phone and said "Yes, General, I'll be seeing the Brigadier this afternoon, and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young recruit, he asked, "What do you want?" "Nothing important, sir," the private responded. "Just here to hook up your telephone." Wassalam

Re: joke
Lisha
06/17/01 at 12:46:06
slm, its getting better!:) (actually i'm just sayin dat, u cant do too good;) ) Cum on brothers you can all do better, the only person whos postin is Br.Abdul Samad! w'salaam

Re: joke
zia
06/18/01 at 10:00:27
salaamz those are nice :) try these for cheesy...this is for my urdu speakin sis's/bros what did the warm say to the cold milk? You are cool dude (dood)(which is milk in urdu) What did the lonely Banana say to the other Banana? Im  Akayla ( which can be lonely or banana in urdu)

Re: joke
Mahmoodah
06/18/01 at 13:44:05
salam, ok sr zia bought sum light in with her!!! i got a urdu1!!! wat do u call a man with 1 hair??? Ek bal!!!(1 hair!!!) wa-salam

Re: joke
zia
06/18/01 at 21:37:17
Ek bal... hehe.. that was cool....come on bros...show off your incredible joke narrating talent

Re: joke
Zara
06/19/01 at 11:13:13
slm well listen to this two sisters at home with their young children...alll of a sudden a bang is heard from the front door like someone is trying to break-in.. sisters run to the toilet and locked the door leaving their children at the mercy of the so called "burglar".... Guess who the burglar was??? The sisters husbands returning from work. The sisters had forgotten to add the double lock and the door swung open without the need to ring the bell.  So they thought it must be a burglar trying to break in. Not funny??? can anyone do any better? wlm Zara

Re: joke
abdulsamad
06/19/01 at 17:54:32
slm,   here comes my longest post yet! Reasons why it's great to be a guy: Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase. Monday Night Football. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter. You can open all your own jars. Old friends don't annoy you if you've lost or gained weight. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go. You can go to the bathroom without a support group. Your last name stays put. You can leave a hotel bed unmade. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you. You can kill your own food. The garage is all yours. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. You never have to clean the toilet. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes. Wedding plans take care of themselves. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry. You don't have to shave below your neck. If you're 34 and single nobody notices. Everything on your face stays its original color. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be president. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat. Flowers fix everything. You never have to worry about other people's feelings. Three pair of shoes are more than enough. You can eat a banana in a hardware store. You can say anything and not worry about what people think. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You don't care if someone notices your new haircut. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking: He must be mad at me. You get to jump up and slap stuff. One mood, all the time. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him. Same work....more pay. Gray hair and wrinkles add character. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back. You don't mooch off others' desserts. The remote is yours and yours alone. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?" There is always a game on somewhere. wlm

Re: joke
abdulsamad
06/19/01 at 17:48:09
slm,   And...just so you don't think I'm sexist... Reason's why it's great to be a woman Speeding ticket? What's that? If you have to be home in time for Melrose Place, you can say so, out loud. If you're not making enough money you can blame the glass ceiling. You can sleep your way to the top. No fashion faux pas you make could rival The Speedo. No one passes out when you take off your shoes. Excitement is only as far away as the nearest beauty-supply store. If you forget to shave, no one has to know. If you're dumb, some people will find it cute. You have the ability to dress yourself. If you marry someone twenty years younger, you're aware that you look like an idiot. You'll never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist. You can quickly end any fight by crying. Your friends won't think you're weird if you ask whether there's spinach in your teeth. There are times when chocolate really Can solve all your problems. You've never had a goatee. You'll never regret piercing your ears. You can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes. You get to hate Kathie Lee in the way only another woman truly can. wlm

Re: joke
abdulsamad
06/19/01 at 17:32:26
slm,   The top six reasons computers must be female: 6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner. 5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic. 4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference. 3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 2. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you". AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE: As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it. wlm

Re: joke
abdulsamad
06/19/01 at 17:39:52
slm,   Reasons computers must be male They have a lot of data but are still clueless. A better model is always just around the corner. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home. It is always necessary to have a backup. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons. The lights are on but nobody's home. wlm

Re: joke
Mahmoodah
06/20/01 at 02:26:55
salam now its gettin MUCH better:) wa-salam

Re: joke
Haniff
06/20/01 at 09:26:01
Assalamu Alaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh The Health Club is getting healthier with the wealth of Sabry's jokes :) I hope you have not exhausted your stock :) [wlm] Haniff

Re: joke
abdulsamad
06/21/01 at 19:43:53
slm,   Incoming!! my 50th post!! Things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over: Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. Aren't you the guy from the village people? Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead. Bad cop! No donut! You're not going to check the trunk, are you? Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds? I pay your salary So uh, you on the take or what? Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum. wlm

Re: joke
Lisha
06/20/01 at 15:02:00
slm, ok it looks like every1's bein 2 easy on u;) [quote] A five day vacation requires only one suitcase. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter. Your last name stays put. You never have to clean the toilet. If you're 34 and single nobody notices. You don't care if someone notices your new haircut. One mood, all the time.[/quote] -My vacation bagages r much more compact compared to ma older bros! -Ur  bathrm lines r 80% shorter AND 100% dirtier! -Ur name stays put n u hink ours doesn't??? :( ):( -If ma bro leaves da toilet dirty my DAD tells him off-LOL -ok i agree with da last ! LOL I 4 got 2 say, da remote is always ma moms !!! And if u dont notice ama nephews new hair styles, HE gets real upset! I think i should stop da list here;) ur saved!! only coz i hate typin too much!!! w'salaam

Re: joke
abdulsamad
06/20/01 at 15:07:00
slm,   Yikes!! I guess I'd better avoid gender jokes!!;-) wlm

Re: joke
Lisha
06/20/01 at 15:08:39
slm, its v. clever to do dat;) w'salaam

Re: joke
Mahmoodah
06/20/01 at 16:16:46
salam heheheheheheheheeeeeeee!!! i found those gender jokes funny!!! but yea, therez probably gunna b a gurl - boy argument, lol wa-salam

Re: joke
abdulsamad
06/20/01 at 17:05:43
Assalamu Alaikum,   Lisha, you're not a cop by any chance, are you? j/k:) Wassalam,          Sabri

Re: joke
slime
06/20/01 at 21:31:41
salam i wish i registered earlier..but each time i went to click the register link my mom says 'get of the computer, u've been on all day'. here's a blonde joke: a blond walks into a library and walks up to the counter.  "a fish and a portion of chips please" she asks. the librarian looks puzzled, "you do know that this is a library don't you?" he replies. "oh sorry, a fish and a portion of chips" she whispers...

Any jobs  ????
zanfaz
06/21/01 at 04:30:20
bhai log ka CV - CURRICULUM VITAE Name: Pakya Bhai Supariwala Objective: To obtain a challenging position as a Crime Implementation Analyst (CIA) Education: MS (Criminal Sciences) Virginia Prison for International Smugglers and the Unlawful(VPISU),August 1996. Thesis: "On escaping from high security prisons like Alcatraz with minimal efforts" BS (Crime Technology) Tihar Jail, India, August 1994 Coursework: Cop Psychology, Plastic Explosives Technology, Bomb Controls and Timer Device Theory, International Smuggling and Drug Trafficking, Object Oriented Crime Design Work Experience: Research Assistant, LTTE Labs, Jaffna,Aug 1990-Aug 1991 * Worked on the prestigious Belt Bomb project * Developed instant death cyanide capsules in orange, strawberry; and mint flavors (Patent# 007,13,666) Summer Internship: Dawood Ibrahim and Haji Mastan Associates, Bombay, June1987-July1990 * Worked as a hitman and was responsible for many supari style killings * Participated in election rigging in Bihar and made hafta collections Honors: * Won 1980 Gabbar Singh Memorial Award (given to child prodigies in crime) * Member, IPKF (Indian Professional Killers Forum) student chapter References: * Dr. Charles Sobhraj, Full Time Prof.,Tihar Jail, New Delhi * Dr. Chandra Swamy, Visiting Faculty Tihar Jail, New Delhi * Dr. Dawood Ibrahim, Overseas Projects Manager, Dubai

Re: joke
Lisha
06/21/01 at 13:23:25
slm, [quote]Lisha, you're not a cop by any chance, are you? j/k:)[/quote] Hmmm Who told u??? How did u know?:) w'salaam

Re: joke
abdulsamad
06/21/01 at 19:44:20
slm, [quote] Hmmm Who told u??? How did u know?:) w'salaam[/quote] You're kidding, right? No one told me. I was just wondering... cos of my cop joke. Now, please don't get mad about this one (if you're not kidding). I did not intend to start any arguments or upset ne1. I seriously doubted that there might be cops on this board . Anyway, I'm not saying I agree with any of the stuff. I innocently posted it thinking it was funny and that it qualified as a joke. Especially the "Bad cop! No donut!" part...teeheehee;-D   wlm

Re: joke
Sabr
06/21/01 at 18:12:39
Assalamu 'alaikum! hehe...a bunch of us have gotten together to author jokes for a new "halal fun" section at the QUMSA page.. here's one from a series called "Little Toby" Little Toby came home and sat, pouting at the kitchen table. "What’s wrong with you sourpuss?"  His mother asked. "Mommy, I wish we had more electronic gadgets!  All of my friends have e-mail, and  buy their toys on e-bay!  I even have a friend with a real, honest-to-goodness, electronic man!" "An electronic man?" his mom asked, "what makes you think your friend has one of those?" Little Toby replied, "He said he had a strong e-maan!" :) :) ;) fee amanillah, ~Sabr :-)

Re: joke
amatullah
06/21/01 at 18:54:51
Bismillah and salam, Here is my joke contribution (astaghfiru Allah:)) A married couple found a magic lamp and they rubbed three times and to their surprise a gini did come out in a puff of smoke. Being a male, the gini decided to be sexist and said, i will grant you each three wishes, but I will give the man 10 times more than I will give the wife.  So the woman asked for lots of money, and she saw for herself that it was true he gave her husband 10 times more. So then she asked for beauty, and the gini again gave the man more. For her final wish she thought long and hard. Then she said to the gini: " I want a teeeeeeeensy weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeensy heart attack!"

Re: joke
slime
06/21/01 at 19:30:34
salam ha, that's just funny and mean at the same time :) me got another one: A man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear view mirror pulls to the side of the road. A minute or so after coming to a stop, a police officer approaches the car. The man says, "What's the problem officer?" Officer: You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ticket you. Man: No sir, I was going a little over 60. Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80! [The man gives wife dirty look.] Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks! [The man gives his wife another a dirty look.] Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt! The Man turns to his wife and yells, "For cryin' out loud, can't you just shut up?!" The officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, Does your husband talk to you this way all the time?" Wife says, "No officer, Only when he's drunk."

Re: joke
Mahmoodah
06/21/01 at 19:37:22
salam hahahaha thats a good 1:) wa-salam

Re: joke
Mahmoodah
06/21/01 at 20:11:01
salam how cum the only bro thats makin an effort here is br Sabri??? wa-salam

Re: joke
abdulsamad
06/21/01 at 20:20:45
Assalamu Alaikum,              I figured this is a good way to become a madinah geek. Wassalam,         Sabri

Re: joke
Mahmoodah
06/21/01 at 20:22:44
[quote] Assalamu Alaikum,              I figured this is a good way to become a madinah geek. Wassalam,         Sabri[/quote] salam ok bro, swop, i wanna b a newbie again!!! or summik else!! coz i don't like bein a geek!!! wa-salam

Re: joke
abdulsamad
06/21/01 at 20:36:05
slm,   A cop pulls over a carload of nuns. Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?" Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65." Cop: "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on! Sister: Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful. At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling. Cop: Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible. Sister: Oh, we just got off of highway 119. wlm

Re: joke
Mahmoodah
06/21/01 at 20:47:01
salam ok bro joke jokes jokes, arrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh actually they're really good!!! cum on u other bros, make an effort!!!! wa-salam

Re: joke
slime
06/21/01 at 23:51:53
salam, lol i like the first one. umm here's one: There is a mirror, if u stand in front of the  mirror and tell a lie, it sucks u in. A brunette stands in front of the mirror and says "I think I'm smart". She gets sucked in. After her, a red-head stands in front of the mirror and says "I think I'm pretty". She gets sucked in. Next, a blonde stands in front of the mirror and says "I think.." and gets sucked in.

Re: joke
zanfaz
06/22/01 at 01:23:25
How Can A Student Pass ?  It's not the fault of the student if  he fails, because the year  has only 365 days.  A typical academic year for a student.  1. Sundays-52,Sundays in a year, which are rest days.      Balance 313 days.  2. Summer holidays-50 where weather is very hot and difficult to study.     Balance 263 days.  3. 8 hours daily sleep-means 30 days.     Balance 141 days.  4. 1 hour for daily playing-(good for health)     means 15 days.     Balance 126 days.  5. 2 hours daily for food & other delicacies(chew properly & eat)     means 30 days.     Balance 96 days.  6. 1 hour for talking (man is a social animal)     means 15 days     Balance 81 days.  7. Exam days per year atleast 35 days.     Balance 46 days.  8. Quarterly, Half yearly and festival (holidays)-40 days.     Balance 6 days.  9. For sickness atleast 3 days.     Balance 3 days.  10. Movies and functions atleast 2 days.     Balance 1 day.  11. That 1 day is your birthday.  "How can a student pass?"

Re: joke
eleanor
06/22/01 at 12:55:03
slm A blonde goes into a hairdressers to have her hair cut. When she sits down the hairdresser notices that she has headphones on and asks her to remove them. "Oh no! Sorry I can't do that", she replies, "you'll just have to cut around them!". Somewhat bemused the hairdresser begins to trim her hair. To her dismay she accidentally chops through the wire going to the left ear. She pauses, but the blonde doesn't seem to notice anything, so she continues to cut without saying anything. But..on the other side her hand slips again and she cuts through the second wire. Sure that the blonde will notice now, she stops cutting and waits a while for the reaction. After a minute or so, the blonde slips off the chair and dies right there on the floor! The hairdresser is absolutely distraught and calls an ambulance and the police. when the police hear what happened they take the tape out of the walkman and play it on another cassette player. All they hear is   "Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out..." wasalaam eleanor

Re: joke
Lisha
06/22/01 at 13:34:25
slm, ok i think all these jokes r real cool, so keep them comin!!! [quote] slm,   A cop Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?" ...[/quote]Hmmm, Grrrrrr.  Another cop joke):( lol ok, i'm justin kiddin so please dont take it offencively!! ;)

Re: joke
slime
06/22/01 at 18:53:05
salam, i luv that 'how can a student pass' joke. :looks wide-eyed for more jokes:

Re: joke
Haniff
06/24/01 at 09:15:22
Assalamu Alaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh I received this joke in my mails yesterday. If it is stale, please excuse me. Surrounded by Muslims Two businessmen seated on an airplane noticed a Muslim man sitting in front of them, one of the men says to the other with a wink, "I was going to go to Africa until I found out that half the country is Muslim so I don't want to go there". The other man says, "Well, how about Saudi Arabia then?" The first man says "No way, that place is loaded with those Muslims too." The other man suggests a trip to the US but his companion says "The Muslims have spread out over the whole country every time I turn around there I bump into one." The men are watching the Muslim, and can see that the Muslim man is fidgeting and getting kind of agitated about their conversation. The fellow who started the teasing decides to really get him mad and says "I really wanted to go to Pakistan but that place is crawling with Muslims" At this the Muslim man has had it and finally turns around in his seat and sweetly says to the men, "Why don't you both go to hell? There's hardly any Muslims there!" [wlm] Haniff

Re: joke
Mahmoodah
06/24/01 at 10:15:18
salam i got that same joke mailed to me, but the joke was slight different!!! lol wa-salam

Re: joke
Lisha
06/24/01 at 16:22:28
slm, :) yea i heard dat same joke sum where, but can't remember where;) Actually I think it was on this site w'salaam

Re: joke
zanfaz
06/25/01 at 00:49:41
[slm] Santa and Banta are two friends and Santa singh has very good job. Banta Singh is jobless and one day asks Santa for some good job. Santa singh says OK next time we will apply together and they do. On interview day,  Santa singh says ,first I will go inside and answer all questions except last one, and after coming out, I would give you all answers and questions. So you go and then answer there. You will get the Job. So, Santa goes in. EMPLOYER: When we got independence?  SANTA: Efforts started in 1857, but got freedom in 1947. EMPLOYER: Good. Who is our PM? SANTA: It changes daily and these days its Atal Bihari Vajpayee. EMPLOYER: OK. What's India's population?  SANTA: (He was not to reply last one so he says) Good Question, Research is going on, and when I know,  I will tell you Sir. Now he comes out and tell questions and answers to Banta Singh.  Banta singh was real SARDAR and he remembers all answers and forgot questions. He goes in Now. EMPLOYER: When were you born? BANTA: Efforts started in 1857, but got freedom in 1947. EMPLOYER: What???? Who is your father?  BANTA: It changes daily and these days its Atal Bihari Vajpayee. EMPLOYER: Employer is upset now. Are you mad Mr. Banta? BANTA: Good Question, Research is going on, and when I know, I will tell you sir. [wlm]

Re: joke
zanfaz
06/25/01 at 01:00:46
[slm] A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said,"Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared  the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years. [wlm]

Re: joke
Lisha
06/25/01 at 15:42:17
slm, keep da jokes cumin, there good;) ne ways heres another 1: ANOTHER COUNT! Our Sardar is walking down the street and sees a man jumping up and down on a manhole cover yelling "86, 86, 86". He asks the man, "Excuse me, but why are you jumping up and down on this manhole cover and yelling '86, 86, 86'?" The man says, "Well, I can't tell you that, but if you really want to know, I can let you go under there and find out.He thinks for a moment, then his curiosity gets the better of him, and he says, "Okay." The man lifts the manhole cover, He steps into the manhole, and the man puts the manhole cover back and starts jumping up and down on it yelling "87, 87, 87"...

Re: joke
slime
06/25/01 at 18:00:13
salam, ha! funny jokes :) i've got a couple phrases: Last time I had a friend, the rope broke and he got away! :( I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back. "As easy as 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841." On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Re: joke
abdulsamad
06/26/01 at 15:47:57
slm,   The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS. He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES. The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read... Main entrance. wlm

Re: joke
Lisha
06/26/01 at 20:15:13
slm[quote]Last time I had a friend, the rope broke and he got away! :( "As easy as 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841." On the other hand, you have different fingers.[/quote] Hehehe, u've made ma day sis:) I think i'll use these lines in da near future;) w'salaam

Re: joke
slime
06/26/01 at 22:30:23
salam, i'm loaded w/ these phrases: the chief cause of divorce is marriage. 98% of statistics are not true. People in glass houses should always wear clothes. The statement below is true. The statement above is false. Do files get embarassed when they get unzipped?

Tell me u haven't read this
Fazrin
06/27/01 at 04:50:54
Salaams everybody! It took me exactly 2 hours 2 read & enjoy these jokes. What can I say about them? well friends, keep up the humour! Now let me play my part as well. But please dont say that u've read them already.Here I go: Instructor giving a lecture on population explosion : "Somewhere on this globe , every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child."One student immediately stands up & says: "She must be found & stopped sir." Which mouse has 2 legs?: Mickey mouse Which duck has two legs?: Y don't u give this a try!!! Waiting for u'r reply. Fazrin

Re: joke
taueeya
06/27/01 at 08:27:50
Assalamu Alaikum,               Fazrin, I can't decide which one has 2 legs? Daffy duck or the Donald duck?:)

Re: joke
abdulsamad
06/27/01 at 08:48:55
slm,  I think it's donald duck. wlm

Re: joke
Fazrin
06/27/01 at 11:54:02
Salaams everybody! Good try Sabri & Tauseef.Anyway, didn't it ever strike u all that all ducks have two legs? Got ya!!! Wassalam!

Re: joke
Ziggy
06/27/01 at 12:57:20
peace. heres my joke: there were 4 men, a pakistani guy, a french guy an american and a british guy. they were in an aeroplane but each  of them had to throw something out, so the french guy threw out his wine and said that they had enuff of it in france. the american threw out his gun and said they had enuff of em in america..when it came to the british geeza, he picked up the pakistani and threw him out. when asked the reason 4 this he replied that they had enuff pakistanis in Britain! i hope i ain't offended anyone here :) respect ziggy

Re: joke
Lisha
06/27/01 at 13:42:38
Slm, Ok heres a mail I got, Hope u lot like it;) waien The Great Says One night, a husband and wife were having a conversation over dinner: [color=Blue]WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again? [/color] MAN: Definitely not! [color=Blue]WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married? [/color] MAN: Of course I do. [color=Blue] WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry? [/color] MAN: Okay, I'd get married again. [color=Blue] WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face) [/color] MAN: (makes audible groan) [color=Blue] WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed? [/color] MAN: Where else would we sleep? [color=Blue]WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her? [/color] MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do. [color=Blue]WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs? [/color] MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed. [color=Blue]WOMAN: - - - silence - - -[/color] MAN: shit. w'salaam:)

Re: joke
slime
06/27/01 at 17:31:50
lol lisha, that's a funny one.

Re: joke
Lisha
06/28/01 at 13:11:44
slm, gee, thanx slime;) w'salaam

Re: joke
slime
06/29/01 at 12:08:29
salam, what happens if u get scared half to death, twice? if nothing ever sticks to teflon, how do they make teflon stick to the pan? if olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Re: joke
eleanor
06/29/01 at 14:21:29
slm [quote] if olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from? [/quote] eeewwwww... LOL ;-D Okay here's my mother's favourite joke, I'll just pose the question now and see if anyone can answer it: What's the difference between a duck? wasalaam eleanor ps: and yes that *is* the complete question with no bits missing...

Re: joke
Ziggy
06/29/01 at 15:20:18
salaams. whats the diffrence between a duck?? r u POSITIVE thats the WHOLE question?? man sis..u got me there! respect ziggy

Re: joke
Lisha
06/29/01 at 15:48:53
slm, [quote]What's the difference between a duck?[/quote]its beak??? its feathers??? if its dead or not??? ok u got me too;) w'salaam

Re: joke
Hanifa
06/30/01 at 10:14:16
An insect falls into a mug of beer ! Englishman: throws the mug away and walks out. American: takes the insect out and drinks the beer. Chinese: eats the insect and throws the Beer away. Israeli: sucks the beer from the insect before throwing the insect away and drinking the beer. Pakistani: accuses the Indian of throwing the insect into his beer and vows to reply in kind. Indian: accuses Pakistan of helping the insect to infiltrate into the mug,> supplying it with nourishment to continue swimming in the beer, blames it as a long term ISI operation, terms the insect as an Islamic militant, then an Afghan mercenary, then a Pakistan army regular and finally a Pakistan SSG commando in an undercover operation and presents identity card of the bug to prove that it indeed is a Pakistan army person in an undercover operation to change the status of LOC, and vows to defend every inch of the mug and every drop of beer

Re: joke
Hanifa
06/30/01 at 10:16:44
Answering machine messeges>>> Answering Machine :- ------------------ My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of these reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message. Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. Hi. Now you say something. Hi, I'm not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep. Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you? Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is the refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets. Hello. this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave you name and number and they will get back to you. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call. Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you. If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message. You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

Re: joke
Lisha
06/30/01 at 10:54:44
[quote]Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.[/quote] slm, LOL,:) My brothers mobile goes: hello. Bye bye. Grrr its really anoyin when i think he's answered, then he says bye (he's hung up on me!!!:( ) -LOL An really anoying answer machine;) w'salaam

Re: joke
bint_salafus
06/30/01 at 11:24:43
assalam alaikum warahmatullah i'd like to tell you all a joke...okay.. There was a muslim man travelling in an aeroplane. there were 2 kaafir sitting behind his seat. Both of them began to make fun out of him, speaking loudly so the muslim man could hear. first man: I went to pakistan and its covered with muslims. the muslim man heard this but sat calmly, second man: I went to saudi arabia and its crawling with muslims everywhere. First man begins to laugh. the two men continue to name muslim countries and the fact that it has muslims inside them. the muslim man can't take it anymore, he turn around to the two men and calmly says; `why don't you both go to hell? Theres hardly any muslims there. What do you think? Assalam alaikum warahmatullah

Re: joke
meraj
06/30/01 at 12:32:42
slm, heh.. speaking of answering messages, a friend of mine has a voice mail message for his cell phone... basically when you get sent to his voice mail you wont realize it ause you hear his voice say hello, and then hes silent for a few seconds so you think he is really there.. then you start talking and have a conversation then a few seconds later you hear'oh im sorry.. i cant hear you because im not here right now! please leave me a message and i'll get back to you later.. thanx!' heh.. its sooooo annoying cause you can never tell if its him or the message ;-D

Re: joke
slime
07/01/01 at 11:39:01
on aol instant messenger, these are my away messages: Sorry, can't talk right now.  I'm out trick-or-treating dressed as a deer in the middle of the highway.   Personal Computer: $2000 Internet Service: $25 a month Aim: Free Being able to talk to an Angel, like me......priceless. You've reached 209.64.567.7777.....please leave a message and make me feel even more special than i already am! i'm off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of oz :)

Re: joke
zanfaz
07/02/01 at 02:51:10
[slm] Agree to disagree ------------------ An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!" The soldier didn't say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."

Re: joke
Lisha
07/02/01 at 14:16:11
[quote]And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."[/quote]slm, ooooooo, ok i find dat funny:) w'salaam

Re: joke
slime
07/02/01 at 15:41:10
LOL!!! :) Crime doesn't pay, does that mean, my job is a crime? When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? How does a thermos know whether a drink should be hot or cold? <--seriously, how?

Re: joke
Lisha
07/02/01 at 15:45:44
[quote]Crime doesn't pay, does that mean, my job is a crime? If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?[/quote]slm, LOL, where do u get these quotes from sis? They make ma day:) w'salaam

Re: joke
slime
07/02/01 at 16:00:26
http://fontgarden.com/quotes/quotes.htm yup, and they got cool fonts too :)

Re: joke
abdulsamad
07/02/01 at 16:59:14
slm,    This lady's preparations for a visit from her children included a trip to the bank. Waiting in line at the teller's window, she lamented to the middle-aged man behind her, "My children are in their 20s, and I'm still giving them money. When does it end?" "I'm not sure," the man replied while glancing uncomfortably at a paper in his hand, "but I'm not the one to ask. I'm here to deposit a check my mother gave me." wlm

Re: joke
zanfaz
07/03/01 at 07:03:38
[slm] Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the edge of a deserted road.Suddenly a brand new Jeep Cherokee screeches to a halt next to him. The driver, a young man dressed in a Brioni suit,Cerrutti shoes, Ray-Ban glasses, and a YSL tie gets out and asks the sheperd:  - If I guess how many sheep you do have, you give me one of them? The shepherd looks at the young man, then looks at the sheep which graze and says:   - All right. The young man parks the car, connects the notebook and the mobile, enters a NASA site, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a data base and 60 Excel tables filled with algorithms, then prints a 150-pages report on his high-tech mini-printer. He then turns to the shepherd and says:  - You have exactly 1586 sheep here. The shepherd answers:   - That's correct, you can have your sheep. The young man takes the sheep and puts in the back of his jeep. The sheperd looks at him and asks: - If I guess your profession, will you return my sheep to me? The young man answers:   - Yes, why not. The shepherd says:   - You are an Arthur Andersen consultant! How did you know? asks the young man. Very simple, answers the shepherd: First, you come here without being called. Second, you charge me a sheep to tell me something I already knew. Third, you do not understand anything about what I do, because you took my dog!

Re: joke
abdulsamad
07/03/01 at 08:25:03
slm,   Wahahahaha;-D...good one, zanfaz:) wlm

Re: joke
Lisha
07/03/01 at 13:23:35
slm :)All da jokes r great!! And thanx Slime, But theres soo many, its put me off readin them :( w'salaam

Re: joke
zanfaz
07/04/01 at 00:25:44
[slm] 1. I'm nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect. 2. I've got to sit down and work out where I stand. 3. If I save time, when do I get it back? 4. Where there's a will, I want to be in it. 5. I am free of all prejudices. I hateeveryone equally. 6. Take my advice, I don't use it anyway. 7. The statement below is true. The statement above is false. 8. As I said before, I never repeat myself. 9. Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence. 10. I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called brightness, but it doesn't work. 11. A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it. 12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 13. War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left. 14. Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

Re: joke
jannah
07/04/01 at 00:46:48
[wlm] great humor :) let's start a new thread before this one topples over!
Individual posts do not necessarily reflect the views of Jannah.org, Islam, or all Muslims. All trademarks and copyrights on this page are owned by their respective owners. Comments are owned by the poster and may not be used without consent of the author. The rest © Jannah.Org