Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Shaking Hands |
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| onehaqq |
| 06/26/01 at 10:31:25 |
| Assalamu Alaykum, I was just wondering what are some experiences you've had with avoiding shaking hands with the opposite gender with non-Muslims and even Muslims and how do you usually deal with it. Obviously, this is something that is haram and i was just wondering what are some ways you've avoided it, especially if they've extended there hand first. This is also an excellent time for dawah because once you start explaining the reasons, they are usually fascinated at the hikmah behind the it. What about when there is a big group and there may not be enough time to explain the reasoning right at that second. Also, how would you handle it when there is another Muslim with you who goes ahead and shakes their hand, which then leaves you in a more difficult situation, where you would be faced with correcting your fellow Muslim in front of the non-Muslim. In that situation, I usually just try to leave immediately if that happens, and then just advise the Muslim later...especially since there is a hadith about not correcting someones mistakes in front of other people. What ya'll think Insh'Allah. |
| Re: Shaking Hands |
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| amatullah |
| 06/26/01 at 11:49:09 |
| Bismillah and salam, I am glad in Canada we have a long winter and I often just stick my hands in my pockets and refuse to take them out. haha On more serious note, the best way I heard was yesterday on audio lecture is the muslim man wouldn't shake hands with a foreign woman and she says why not? and he answers because in islam we are supposed to protect you from all potential bad not just a touch but even looking and we supposed to care for women for themselves and for their future mates. Normally, I just say don't take it personaly, it's my religon. If they ask they get the explanation, if they don't then I didn't preach. |
| Re: Shaking Hands |
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| Barr |
| 06/26/01 at 12:37:40 |
| Assalamu'alaikum... :-) Talking about shaking hands... well.. here's just what I do... Don't jump at me, now!:) As far as possible, I really try not to shake hands, and I usually prepare myself, when such an occasion would happen, like, I'll always have something to carry... or, when I meet the person, I'll have my hands somewhere else, like behind me, or wherever.. just don't let it go free... like it's waiting to be shook.... And, OK... this is ermm.. sly... but I would try not to put myself forward first when I have to meet a man/ some men. When it's a man, I'll be at the background, and after a brother shook his hand, hopefully, the brother would tell him, that it is not in our culture for men and women to shake hands. And if there's no brother around... ermmm... I still stay at the background... and another sister... gets the ermm... the "liability". *sorry!* And then, I'll just come forward and lightly say... oh, it's enough for a hello and a nice smile :) It's not in our culture to shake hands with men... or something along those lines.... And if it's a woman, I'll come forward, and shake her hands first and be all smiley and said... as above, as how, I hope my brothers would have said, for me. So, that she won't put out her hand shake hands with the brothers. So, inshaALlah, this way... we minimise embarrassment for both sides.... But, erm... I won't say I've always turned down a handshake. It really depends on the circumstances.... Just wondering... I thought the Western ettiqutte is that a man would usually wait for the lady to extend her hand, then, he'll shake it. If she doesn't extend her hand, then, khalas! Yippee!.. not like the other way round... but somehow... most of the men... just like extend their hands like near automatically.... and I'm like - wait a minute here, is that in your adab? Any other ideas? wallahua'lam |
| Re: Shaking Hands |
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| Mahmoodah |
| 06/26/01 at 13:33:26 |
| salam i hav plenty of stories connected to shakin hands with the opposite gender!!! last yr, i had to collect my attendance award, that ment shakin hand with the guy fr eagles basket ball thing!!! so this is wat i did:) i went to get my award, then i put my right hand 4ward to shake hands, i got my award with my left hand, n i walked off without shakin the guys hand!!!;) the ppl in the front line of the assembly cudnt stop laffin:) n i din shake no hands!!! therez always a way out:) wa-salam |
| Re: Shaking Hands |
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| se7en |
| 06/26/01 at 15:09:24 |
| wa alaykum as salaam wa rahmatAllah, [url=http://www.jannah.org/cgi-bin/yabb/YaBB.pl/YaBB.pl?board=sisters&action=display&num=720]Here[/url] is another thread on the same subject. I had my graduation ceremony on Sunday, I didn't shake anyone's hand :) After it was over one guy approached me to say goodbye.. I was worried he was going to try to hug me, but then he saw my brother.. my bro's BIG, and he was wearing an abaya.. I think my bro scared the heck out of him because he just kinda waved and then took off.. hahahahhaha :) |
| Re: Shaking Hands |
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| Arsalan |
| 06/26/01 at 15:22:47 |
| [slm] se7en, how did you avoid shaking hands with the person who awards the diploma? Did you tell him beforehand? Or was it a woman? Alhamdulillah, I had men awarding diplomas at both my high school and college graduations :) |
| Re: Shaking Hands |
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| se7en |
| 06/26/01 at 15:29:59 |
wa alaykum as salaam wa rahmatAllah, I actually talked to the principal beforehand.. I said, "I just wanted to let you know that I won't be shaking your hand on stage because I'm Muslim.." He said, "ok, that's fine then." I said, "I just don't want you to feel offended, or for you to stick your hand out and me to refuse it.." he said, "well, I might try to shake your hand anyway" I said, "excuse me?" he said, "I'm going to stick my hand out, but it's up to you whether you take it or not" grrr on stage, I gave him the dirtiest look and he didn't stick his hand out :) alhamdulillah. |
| Re: Shaking Hands |
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| Arsalan |
| 06/26/01 at 15:46:29 |
| Man! Da mafia's for real! ;) (Good for you se7en) |
| Re: Shaking Hands |
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| slime |
| 06/26/01 at 15:58:19 |
| lol. i've never been in a situation like that. :) |
| Re: Shaking Hands |
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| AbdulBasir |
| 06/26/01 at 17:41:39 |
| [slm] Just to be redundant here, as others have said already, it is important to use hikmah in allowing people to understand why you won't shake hands. Sr. se7en anticipated a situation during her graduation arising and alhamdulillah she went before the incident to explain with hikmah to the individual. But even in the situation where shaking of hands in spontaneous everyday situations, which is the vast majority of the time, we still have to remember to use hikmah. Shaking hands is not only the common greeting of our times, but also interrelated with the pride of a person. When a person puts his or her hand out for a shake and is rebuffed unexpectedly, obvioulsy it can be very hurtful (or offensive) to that person. Even if the reasons are explained afterward, that moment of hurt that is felt by the individual, is something that they will not forget and they will associate that feeling of pain with whoever you are and whatever your explanation is. In other words if they are otherwise ignorant about Islam as a whole, this might be their only experience with a Muslim. And they may connote that hurtful feeling they experienced with their perception of Islam. So best not to make it completely negative in their memory right? Therefore if you rebuff their gesture (which for them is a greeting they connote with civility and peace) with a stern look on your face looking all tough and distant (Muslims are very good at this :) ) and just a comment "I don't shake hands with a woman/man" or "In Islam we do not shake hands with the opposite gender", that may not register well, even if they say they understand. When people are rebuffed and you do nothing to ameliorate that they will remain naturally defensive and will be less receptive to whatever follows. You still, in some way, have to compensate for the rebuff of the shake (which to them is a rebuff of kindness and peace) by responding in your greeting with the kindness and peace that they felt they were just denied. So, as Muslims should all the time, respond in a like manner or that which is better. So use body language and facial or hand gestures of warmth and kindness which help to alleviate that brief moment of hurt and place the encounter back on a basis of civility and peace in their mind. Moreover, doing that will help them open their mind and heart more to your explanation. So a polite nod of the head, a gentle smile, respectful speech can do wonders. Sometimes if one doesn't have the time to rebuff with the proper hikmah and kindess, the individual has to make a spot decision about whether to bite the bullet or not. I've seen imams at interfaith meetings for example respond in a variety of ways, particularly when they are being bombarded with people rushing to shake their hand. And sometimes they bite the bullet and explain afterward for the individual's future reference and sometimes they will bite the bullet period, depending on the circumstances. So if you can't rebuff with hikmah, find another way to rebuff the gesture rather than have them associate that ill feeling with Islam. Maybe start coughing violently over your hand or something. That works by the way ;) Most people do understand though, and it is still part of Western ettiquette for a man to wait for the woman to extend her hand, as people have already said in previous posts. Not trying to make things more complicated than they should be. But again remember what we are representing here. Most of the time probably we [i]can[/i] get by with simple rebuffs without consequence but there are no doubt times when we will have to use a little more hikmah. [slm] |
| Re: Shaking Hands |
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| sis |
| 06/26/01 at 20:17:58 |
| alsalamu alaykum wa rhmat Allah wa barakatuhu the shaking hands scenario is alhamdulillah easy for me to deal with...but unfortunately i'm not always understood as to why..mainly because its a fast thing that happens and i don't have time to explain last summer my bro got engaged and we invited relatives i hadn't seen in yrs...when they saw me they put their hands out to shake mine and i withheld mine and kept smiles on my face...now these relatives are older and i had a feeling it would hurt them.....anyways so i just saw them last week at a wedding i attended and his son came out with it and said something like *how come u don't shake hands...u know last year when u didn't shake mine or my fathers we got offended* ...alhamdulillah he felt comfortable enough with me to try and understand..i explained it to him and its clearer now alhamdulillah.....him and his father are actually quite sweet and respectful about it now because they know my dedication alhamdulillah... anyways....how do u explain things in a hurry as to not offend??- i mean to older people also...if an elderly man who used to know u as a baby puts out his hand for u to shake...is it 'islamically' considered rude if u don't do so?- a sis i really respect told me recently that is very rude.....but then the sunnah comes to my mind when the rasul sal Allah 3alayhi wa sallam wouldn't even hold women's hands for bay3a?? jazakum Allahu khayran for any advice |
| Re: Shaking Hands |
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| Kashif |
| 06/27/01 at 04:52:06 |
| assalaamu alaikum sis - thats ok but really only because they were family friends. The startegy i've adopted is one i think jannah posted a few months ago. Something like refuse to shake their hand, smile and explain that you can't on religious grounds but then add "but, i'm delighted to meet you." Kashif Wa Salaam |
| NS |
| Re: Shaking Hands |
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| Mahmoodah |
| 06/27/01 at 14:20:46 |
| salam, just writtin to tell u lot that 2 day i went to collect my R of C, so i was ment to shake the head of yrs hand, i just collected my thing, n walked off withh a smile!!! i don't think ppl mind wen ppl don't shake hands!!!:-) but then again, the teachers in skool r used to me;) wa-salam |
| Re: Shaking Hands |
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| kiwi25 |
| 06/27/01 at 16:07:47 |
| salam, good job se7en hehe ;)! my grad was also this sunday and we had told them waaaaaay in advance to have a woman for us (two other muslimahs graduated with me) , i had an incident where i was a finalist for a scholorship and i had to be interviwed at walmart (heheh), so i go and then this guy approaches me and starts to introduce himself, i knew that he wanted to shake hands but i kept mine to myself and just held my jacket, he noticed that i wasnt goign to shake hands but didnt ask anyting, so then he led me to this room where i was to be interviwed (i noe i got this word spelled wrong) where the judge was and she was a woman so i shook hands with her, and the guy saw that and had this strange look on his face but alhumdulilah he didnt ask anything, one haqq, i never was in a position where a muslim shook hands with a non mahrem andleft me standing there to decide what to do, but heres my questio WHAT DO you do, itll help in the later future if someone can give their experiences wasalam nouha:) |
| Re: Shaking Hands |
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| onehaqq |
| 06/27/01 at 16:33:41 |
| Walaikum Salam, Well...see, i just run away as fast as I can cause if there is a Muslim with me that shook that persons hand, then if i refused to do it and said it was against Islam, it would make the other Muslim look bad and maybe start to confuse the Non-Muslim and all. I just get away from the entire scenario completely and then correct the Muslim and say that's not allowed and all. This is pretty much the only solution i could come up with to avoid hurting the brother and correcting him in front of a non-Muslim, especially when ur supposed to advise Muslims privately. |
| Re: Shaking Hands |
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| eleanor |
| 06/28/01 at 05:30:31 |
| slm Hmmm..this is very difficult. For me it's as automatic as anything to just stick out my hand to anyone. Now I've been trying not to, but when they stick out their hands my hand just like flies up to shake their hand and then I do a Homer Simpson impression in my head ("DOH!!") wasalaam eleanor |
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| Moe |
| 06/28/01 at 18:58:41 |
| I was wondering what would u guys do if some one of the opposite sex came and hugged u? This happened to me the last day of school. This gurl in my class came up and hugged me i didnt kno what to do or say! any advice on how to avoid it? or what to say? |
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| meraj |
| 06/28/01 at 19:33:43 |
| slm, start coughing violently andsay 'its ok its probably not contagious' ;-D heh.. but seriously.. its never actually happened to me but if it did, then i guess handle it sorta the same way you would a handshake.. only i would think you should wait till later to mention it cause the person may be embarrased/offended/hurt if you tell them right after they hug you... just mention it later and explain that its ok cause they didnt know, but because of your belief, etc etc.. its nothign personal :) thats my take on it.. it would probably vary based on the situation though. |
| Re: Shaking Hands |
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| kiwi25 |
| 06/29/01 at 11:05:54 |
| salam, i remember this hand shake convoersation came up a while back and i remmeber a girl saying that when a man came to shake her hand , she says "sorry but this is reserved for my husband" SUBHANNALLAH! the courage of some ppl!! wasalam nouha:) |
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| Sister |
| 06/29/01 at 19:03:04 |
| Assalaam Alaikum. When it comes to shaking hands, I always put my hnds behind my back and step away, and if necessary say "Sorry, I can't shake hands because I am a Muslim." No further explanations are needed after the initial shock sets in! and if I get any questions, I don't mind answering them. I heard of a Sister through a friend, who would refuse to greet Muslim Sisters with hundreds of kisses on the cheeks, which seems to be done here. She would turn away from the Sister and say "It is Sunnah to Kiss once only." There's no arguing with that really!!! By the way, I don't know the evidence on that, before anyone asks, but if anyone does know, please post it. |
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| Spring |
| 07/01/01 at 08:50:15 |
| [slm] I have a bit of a dilemma concerning this issue. Insha Allah I'll be graduating as a Doctor soon. And obviously as part of training you have to examine male patients as well as female. I just feel that it may sound daft if I say I can't shake any males hands, considering I'm always examining male patients. And I wasn't going to bother. But I may mention it to them now, because I guess its not necessary during a graduation When I first started medical school there were loads of new people to meet I refused to shake their hands and none of them seemed to mind. I guess they can see that there is something different about you from the Hijab. I think it makes them respect you more. Recently myself and two brothers had a meeting with two guys from the Student Union at the university. The guys stepped forward and shook the bros hands but when it came to me they just said hello and I replied !! |
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| akbalkhan |
| 07/02/01 at 21:22:46 |
| Wa Laikum Salam- Today I had two incidences with avoiding contact with women who are not my wife. The first was at a coffee shop. I was trying to get an order refilled because I believed the first one to be in err. I had been told to ask for a particular person upon my return in order to get it straightened out, a friend of a co-worker. So that I did not offend the original person who took my order, knowing that it was not her mistake (yes it was a woman), I thanked her for and asked her her name. She said, so and so, and then asked me mine and extended her hand. My first mistake was to ask her name, and hind sight is 20/20, but upon her putting her hand out, I said, ' I cannot,' ' I am Muslim' and this is forbidden. That was that. The second incident was at work. We had a staff meeting today, and last week, the bosses wife had came up to me while I had my back to her, and shook my hair with her hand. I did not say anything then, but had been thinking of a good way to tell her without singling her out. At the end of the staff meeting I took the floor and made the announcement " while I know that there have been some peculiarities about circumstances and situations that have arisen, as a result of my religion, I do not anticipate that my religion and the work environment have to be in conflict (i work at an architects office). However, I do have to make one request, out of respect for my wife, and because it has been forbidden, I ask that the ladies in the office respect a certain amount of distance from having contact with me. While I should bear the brunt of being conscious of avoiding contact with you all, as it is my conviction, I ask that you try to be conscious of my request." TO which my boss responded in jest, well what about our hugging each other all the time. Which everyone laughed at of course, and I responded, "well I thought that we were going to wait to tell everyone" to chime in and help to lighten the situation. His wife who was present, and who I am sure appreciated that it was specifically as a result of what happened last week, said " if only my husband and the rest of the guys in the office were as considerate" All in all it was quite pleasant and refreshing to get it off of my chest, and to show that I was not being burdensome about the request, and that non-muslims can be accepting of requests when they are made at appropriate times, or in the appropriate light. I guess we will have to see if the ladies stick to their distance, but already they are beginning to set things down in order for me to pick them up, which helps. Shookran for your posts as it was helpful for me to have read these before I faced the situation. You gentlemen and ladies are the best! Qamar Akbal Kaan |
| Re: Shaking Hands |
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| Mahmoodah |
| 07/03/01 at 01:57:04 |
| salam i hav tried telling ppl this b4, but ppl just laff:) This mayb b because most the muslims in skool go aroung hugging n kissing each other!!! I hav TRIED alot to tell ppl, they don't liten:( so now the only option 4 me is to ignore them wen they offer a hand, they r just ignorant!!! Actuallly, i blame the muslims in skool, they r just SO CALLED muslims!!! u've probably heard the stuff i do wen tryin to avoid shakin hands!!!! Its not a easy situation!!! Its hard to xplain thigs tp ppl:( but i hav my ways around it:) wa-salam |
| Re: Shaking Hands |
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| *sofia* |
| 07/03/01 at 09:35:55 |
| Assalaamu alaikum wa rahmatullah Masha'Allah, that took courage, Fernando! The best thing is to defin be as open and direct about it as possible, while not putting the person who is extending their hand to you on the spot. After all, it can be taken as a blow to their pride, if done incorrectly. I'm still not sure what the best way is, and it sometimes depends on the person, but I've used this line many times when offered a shake w/o any problems, alhamdulillah: "Thank you, Muslims don't shake hands with the opposite gender unless closely related, but it's really nice to meet you." It's nice to smile and nod respectfully. I also try to avoid the words, "cannot" or "not allowed", since it can imply negative connotations that sit well with Muslims, but not so much with non-Muslims. Allahu'alim. Some of my friends also put their hand on their heart, which is a very respectful custom practiced in many Muslim cultures. Just don't leave it a mystery as to why you've left them hanging; I used to do that and found ppl just thought I was being snobby. As long as it's out in the open from the beginning, it makes things a lot easier down the line. For you and for those Muslims after you. It can also divert the habit that some bosses have, which is to pat someone on the shoulder for a job well done, or other unnecessary contact. One of the best things about being "openly" Muslim is that depending on your behavior, others may exhibit slightly more modest behavior as well, insha'Allah. Anyways, May Allah make it easy for everyone, aameen! |
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