Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Improper sexual advances |
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| Anonymous |
| 06/29/01 at 12:06:33 |
| Assalaam-alaikum, To all of the Madina citizens and guests alike I would like to raise this topic of 'improper sexual advances' because I think first of all if it is done it remains hidden and buried. How should one come to grips with something like this if they are victims or are family members or friend of the the victim? Do the wounds ever heal? Because when we think of sex we automatically think of the sex that everybody fantasizes about from watching t.v.. but the sex that is to be dealt with in the healing process is something that is not felt. Would it be safe to say that ignoring the potency of sex to a lesser degree would be a means to divulge the problem? How does one cohere to rules of society or rules of the larger population when the extremely private and vulnerable and volatile nature of the subject is challenged by surfacing its neglected suffering? How does one talk and get rid of the issues when no one can face up to the massive shame and guilt associated with it? What if there is no way of punishing the guilty? To put my own experiences into highlight, the man that made the advances on my sister was my uncle and he works at the mosque and till this day since his actions it has tore apart my education, health, and career and I haven't had any guidance extremely little on the subject. All I've had in me is tamed anger and a host of questions which my own family will never raise the subject. I don't understand why!! the act > leads to > anger (and the act should NOT I repeat lead to SHAME because if it does then one is ascribing the potent aspect of sexuality within the realm of the offensive NON-sexual and most Domineering act of molesting someone. I think it could and could have been if it wasn't for all the B.S. that surrounds the hush hush attitude 'Oh my God the insurmountable has happened' response of my family towards the event when I was still learning about my own sexuality (let alone the deviant, most defiant careless act of a grown man). I still don't know what really happened. How it happened etc. and there's no way I can get myself to ask my sister either for fear that I might rehash something. I'm over it all. but I still need to know. Please aid me!! Bismillah> [seeking compassionate citizens] Anonymous |
| Re: Improper sexual advances |
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| BroHanif |
| 06/29/01 at 12:28:24 |
| A.W.W. Hope it helps, although I know the problem is deeper than this but I think its a start. You should report him to the proper channels i.e. cops and social welfare, if the problem is really serious. I'll try and post more later insh-allah. Hanif --------------------------------------------------------------------- Question: A worried sister asks what should be done as her mother's husband tried to rape her. He tried molesting her but was unable to succeed in having intercourse with her. Does this have any effect on the marriage contract between the man and her mother? Should she tell her sisters and her mother (even though the mother is unlikely to believe her)? Answer: Praise be to Allaah. This girl has to tell her mother and her brothers so that they can put a stop to this crime before it happens. The girl must not sit with him in the place where he is sitting, rather she must keep away from him even if he is her mahram. The mahram – even if he is a father or brother – if there is no guarantee that he can be trusted (Allaah forbid), then it is not permissible to be near him, rather the guardian should prevent that from happening. If that can only be achieved by punishing or imprisoning him, then so be it. Whatever the case, this girl has to take every precaution to prevent this evil from happening. Shaykh ‘Abd al-Kareem al-Khudayr (www.islam-qa.com) |
| Re: Improper sexual advances |
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| Kashif |
| 06/29/01 at 20:42:35 |
| assalaamu alaikum I don't know if this is the right type of advice you are looking for, but perhaps you can try to contact ISSRA in Canada. The Islamic Social Services & Resources Agency has professional counsellors and other people who can insha'llah help yourself and your sister. Can anyone from Canada post the contact details for the organisation here because i don't have the address/tel. no. anymore. Kashif Wa Salaam |
| NS |
| Re: Improper sexual advances |
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| Anonymous |
| 06/30/01 at 12:31:37 |
| Unfortunately, or fortunately this happened nine years ago. The situation is quite complicated from my perspective i.e. the uncle is known by literally thousands of people in the community and has been around the mosque for over fifteen years. His family is very close to us. I don't think there was any serious advances although whatever it was it resulted in him getting kicked out of our house since he was living with us. but the sad thing is is that it has totally affected my life circumventing a chain of events which till this day has had a powerful negative impact. And I think the main problem was how my family reacted of course not the fact that they kicked him out which was the thing to do then but how they put shame above anger. BUT I still don't know what he did and that's what irks me most. I.E. I've never had thing end with a Closure. What would you do if this happened to you? What would be your reaction, non-reaction? For a long time I've had to accept that SABR(patience) is the only solution to these types of events. IT LEAVES A HOLE IN YOUR HEART AND FROM THERE ON GENTLENESS IS THE ONLY PATH TO SALVATION. It makes you wonder why these people do the crimes anyways@#%? In conclusion: humans are humans and they're bound to do anything especially to err. Assalaam-alaikum. |
| Re: Improper sexual advances |
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| amatullah |
| 06/30/01 at 15:36:48 |
| Bismillah and salam, First of all sister I am so sorry for this to have happened to you. It is such a grave experience. My heart goes out to you. May Allah console you and give you patience, guidance and strength. May he protect you from all harm and be at your help. I admire your courage because for women it is a bit harder to talk about to some degree. I would like it if you email me and I will try to give you some advice to your questions. For the rest of the sisters suffering, a few things i must say...that is not sex. That has more to do with power and oppression. Not love and pleasure and sharing, please try to make the distinction to live a more healthy life. It must be hard since it is an assault on all levels physical, emotional, and mental. But it doesn't mean you have to dislike something in your own nature, just as it happening to you doesn't imply as a child you had part of the reason for this terribleness to happen. Different women probably cope with that aspect differently. But the answer for how to begin to truly heal and to feel solice is Allah. Maybe you feel now it is too late to take action, or that nothing is being done to the guilty but nothing, nothing goes uncounted sister. But perhaps once you come to terms with strengthening you relations with your creator you will be better able to deal with your feelings towards the perpetrator? I know of a example similar to your when we were back home. The girls family didn't acknowledge his actions. Infact the father said it is because she is hearing it on tv and he was worried that she was going to say the same about him in the future. her and the sisters revenge was when he would still come over is give him dirty looks and were generaly disrespectful. I remember one time we were all at the great grandparetns and they were there and the guy he was now older and married, and she hugged and kissed his daughter in front of everyone and she says loudly and honestly emotionally something like poor kitten i hope you are ok. I was happy coz he be squirming. I am sad to say that I see how like you this oppression has effected her so much. trying to always feel the family unconditional love has made her put herself in so much trouble. Muslim famililes really have to learn to help the girl if that happnes and not over emphasize that her virginity is lost and so all is lost, because that is not what is important. She is in fact closer to Allah at the moment, and her du'a as an oppressed penetrates all the layers to Him and he says with all my might and doesn't let her down. Instead they have to see if it was a son they wouldn't care so much if he even commited zina. This needs to be addressed. Does anyone know what the 7ad for this molesting is? I understand the anger. It is also effecting the people who know the victim so much. But maybe your family is not bringing up the subject because they are afraid for the same reason that you are afraid to bring it with your sister. You are very eloquent writer masha'Allah, perhaps use that talent somehow to help you deal with this. Closure...I don't know if you need to know what happened exactly to have it. Learning self care is ultimately what you need for closure even if you knew what happened. |
| Re: Improper sexual advances |
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| Mona |
| 06/30/01 at 16:48:54 |
| Assalamu alaikum, Dear sister/brother anonymous, Insha'Allah there is comfort in the knowledge and yaqeen that Allah subhanahu wa ta3alaa is the All Just and All Wise (A3dalu al-3aadileen and A7hamu al-7aakimeen). I agree with the opinion of Br. Kashif that you and family seek cousel of Muslim specialists on this issue, to help with all of the unsettling feelings of guilt, shame and anger no matter how much time has passed on this. If you are in Ontario Canada, you can contact ISLAMIC SOCIAL SERVICES(ISSRA) 2375 ST. CLAIR ST. W. TORONTO, ON M6N 1K9 TEL: (416)767-1531 FAX: (416)767-0328 May Allah ease your troubles and grant you peace and justice. Wassalam |
| Re: Improper sexual advances |
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| Anonymous |
| 07/01/01 at 01:28:59 |
[slm] I am holding back tears as I write this. May Allah protect us all from all sorts of evil. I don't know what words I could say to you to make you feel just a little better, if I had such words I would give that advise to myself first. For I have also gone through something similar. Like you, it has effected my life. I can't put the past behind you. The thought of marriage and sex makes me sick to my stomach. Sometimes I think that I will not be able to stay married for too long. To me sex seems so animal-like. I was never raped but have been molested too many times by four different people. Two were family members, an uncle and a cousin. One perpetrator was my Qur'an teacher, who molested me in the masjid. The other was my tutor. It happened so many years ago, but it seems like it was just yesterday. I hate my body. I hate the sexuality that I have. I don't want to be with a man. I feel so dirty. I wonder sometimes, if there is something so dirty about me that attracted these men to me, because I don't understand how someone can be assaulted so many times by so many different people. I never told my parents about it back then. I was too scared, i feared that they might be angry with me, that somehow it was my fault. I told my mom sometime back about one of my perpetrators and her reaction was not very motherly. She did not get up from her chair to hug me, to tell me that she loves me and that she would make everything all right. All she did was let out a string of curse words at my perpetrator and wished he would burn in hell. When I was being molested by my uncle, I did have the courage to tell my aunt because I was close to her. She confronted my uncle and he said that I was a liar and that was that. I never brought it up again. I love children and sometimes I want to get married and have lots of children. But I fear that I may not be a good mother, that I may not be able to protect them from the men of the world. I feel your pain. [wlm] Anon sister 2 |
| Re: Improper sexual advances |
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| BroHanif |
| 07/01/01 at 19:21:54 |
| A.W.W. To, Anon Sister 2 Only Allah is the source of strength and the changer of our hearts. I hope to Allah that he makes your pain easy to bear. Your pain is my pain, your happiness is my happiness. These people may think they have got away in this life, but indeed when their deeds are presented to Allah most high, and they are questioned about this act, what answer will these animals give ? What will their punishment be ? Only Allah knows, however please don't despair with yourself, turn your attention to Allah, for Allah is the only solver to our problems. And I'm sure as the sky is blue you would make a good mother, not all men are bad. May Allah guide you and give you eternal happiness in this life and the next. And may those Animals be brought to justice in this life and the next. Ameen. Salaams |
| Re: Improper sexual advances |
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| amatullah |
| 07/02/01 at 15:27:06 |
| Bismillah and salam, sisters please please keep repeating "7asbuna Allah wa ni3ma alwakeel, la 7awla wala quwata ila billah". 3.173-174 Those to whom men said: "A great army is gathering against you, so fear them!". But it (only) increased their Faith: They said: "For us Allah sufficeth, and He is the best Guardian." And they returned with Grace and bounty from Allah.: no harm ever touched them: For they followed the good pleasure of Allah. And Allah is the Lord of bounties unbounded. Please read surat albaqara (cow) you will find some comforting ayas in there it covers so much masha'Allah. Like this 2.155-157 And We will most certainly try you with somewhat of fear and hunger and loss of property and lives and fruits; and give good news to the patient, Who, when a misfortune befalls them, say: Surely we are Allah's and to Him we shall surely return. Those are they on whom are blessings and mercy from their Lord, and those are the followers of the right course. |
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