joke II

Madina Archives

Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board

joke II
meraj

07/04/01 at 01:08:49

slm,

ok i though i'd take the initiative and get this going ;-D

[color=blue]Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

A: A Doberman Pinscher ;-D [/color]

no offense if you're a lawyer ;)

Re: joke II
eleanor

07/04/01 at 07:04:56

slm

Alllrighty...

Q: What's the difference between a duck...?

A: One of his legs is both the same.

(don't ask...it's my mother's fav. joke..either you find it funny or you find it stupid)

wasalaam
eleanor

Re: joke II
haaris

07/04/01 at 12:17:07

[quote]no offense if you're a lawyer [/quote]

None taken.

Although I tend not to wear dogs these days. ;)

Re: joke II
Lisha

07/04/01 at 15:27:45

slm,
ok, this aint a joke. Its sumthin funny dat supposedly really happened:o
Theres this lil boy who wakes up at nite,
ne ways a man knocks on da window and tells him he's here to collect his parents old stuff (tv, video, sofa n ect) but he doesn't want to disturb the boys parents. The boy thinks he's tellin the truth so he lets him in to steal all their goods;)
:)
w'salaam

Re: joke II
meraj

07/04/01 at 20:44:22

slm,

[quote]Q: What's the difference between a duck...?

A: One of his legs is both the same.[/quote]

err.. sorry im slow.. i dont get it ???

Re: joke II
slime

07/05/01 at 15:11:40

yes, i dont get it either.

oh, i have one:
"you're so dumb, you thought taco bell was a phone company :)"

Re: joke II
Sonny

07/05/01 at 16:03:25

A young newlywed couple were walking arm in arm along a sandy beach. Suddenly, in a moment of inspiration, the young man looked out over the ocean, and said, "Roll on, thou deep and dark blue ocean, roll!" The wife gazed out over the ocean, then gazed back at her husband adoringly, and said "Oh, Herman, you wonderful man! It's doing it!"

Sonny

Re: joke II
zanfaz

07/06/01 at 00:29:10

[slm]

Letter from a mom to son !! Enjoy !! :)

[hr]

I'm writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles.
I wont be able to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their new house so they wouldn t have to change their address. Hopefully by next week we will be able to take our earlier address Plate here, so that our address will remain same too.
This place is really nice.It even has a washing machine,situated
right above the commode. I m not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3 shirts,pulled the chain and havent seen them since.
The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days.
The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a
little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we
cut them off and put them in the pocket.
Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting The grass at the cemetery.

By the way I took bahu to our club's poolside.The manager is badmash. He told her that two piece swimming suit is not allowed in this club.We were confused as to which piece should we remove?

Your sister had a baby this morning.I haven't found out whether it is a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.
Your uncle, Jetinder fell in a the nearby well. Some men tried to
pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned.We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to fulfil His fathers last wishes. His father had wished to be buried in the sea after he died.And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his father.

There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love Mom.
P.S : I was going to send you some money but the envelope was Already
sealed.

Re: joke II
Lisha

07/06/01 at 13:25:15

slm,
LOL
I think i'll b sendin dat 1 around;)

w'salaam

The Mafia (Albany?)
bhaloo

07/10/01 at 09:22:15

slm

A Mafia Godfather finds out that one of his underlings has stolen from him ten million bucks. This underling happens to be deaf, so the Godfather brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the underling: "Where is the ten million bucks you
embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the underling where the ten
million dollars is hidden. The underling signs back: "I don't know
what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're
talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the
underling's temple, cocks it and says: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you
don't tell him!"

The underling signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown
briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in
Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the
trigger."
Re: joke II
Tarar

07/10/01 at 15:46:24

Asalaam O' alaikum

The Perfect Employee!
1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.
Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines

waslaam

Tarar

NS
Re: joke II
Mehak

07/11/01 at 03:08:03

Assalam u Alikum,
That was GOOD bro Tararr. Here is one from me:
In 2 Cows Terms

Socialism
You have 2 cows. You keep 1 and give the other 1 to your neighbor.
Communism
You have 2 cows. The government takes both and provides you with milk.
Fascism
You have 2 cows. The government takes both and sells you milk.
Nazism
You have 2 cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
Bureaucracy
You have 2 cows. The government takes both, shoots 1, milk the other,
pays you from the milk and pours it down the drain.
Capitalism
You have 2 cows. You sell 1 and buy a bull.
Corporate
You have 2 cows. You get rid of 1, force the other 1 to produce the milk
of 4 cows and then act surprised when it drops dead.

Re: joke II
Mehak

07/11/01 at 03:19:30

Assalam u Alikum,
I think today is my joke relating-day. Here goes another one from me :) :
Morris the loudmouth mechanic was removing
the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous
heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side,
waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his Mercedes.
Morris shouts across the garage, "Hey DeBakey! Is that you? Come on
over here a minute!" The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over
to where Morris the mechanic was working on the car. Morris
straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively,

"So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at this here work. I also open hearts, take
valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will
purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me
is doing basically the same work?"

Dr. DeBakey leaned over and whispered to Morris the loudmouth
mechanic, "Now try doing it with the engine running.........."

Re: joke II
zanfaz

07/11/01 at 04:15:27

[slm]

[quote]
Socialism
You have 2 cows. You keep 1 and give the other 1 to your neighbor.
Communism
You have 2 cows. The government takes both and provides you with milk.
Fascism
You have 2 cows. The government takes both and sells you milk.
Nazism
You have 2 cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
Bureaucracy
You have 2 cows. The government takes both, shoots 1, milk the other,
pays you from the milk and pours it down the drain.
Capitalism
You have 2 cows. You sell 1 and buy a bull.
Corporate
You have 2 cows. You get rid of 1, force the other 1 to produce the milk
of 4 cows and then act surprised when it drops dead.
[/quote]

Good one Mehak ! Now Albanians know what to do with the cows ! ;)

[wlm]

Re: joke II
Saleema

07/11/01 at 04:31:07

Good one Mehak ! Now Albanians know what to do with the cows !

LOL. that was more funnier, ( i mean more funny), than the jokes.

:D

[wlm]
Saleema

Re: joke II
eleanor

07/11/01 at 05:26:38

slm

A man hears a knock on his door and goes to open it.

"Good day Sir, I'm here to tune your piano"

" I didn't order a piano tuner! "

" emm,..no Sir, your neighbours did! "

wasalaam
eleanor

Re: joke II
Mehak

07/11/01 at 19:38:43

Assalam u Alikum,
This really isnt a joke but I couldnt find a better place to share this:
Stupid Questions :-
-----------------
1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:- Well, it's so hot, there were no cool cabs so I thought i'd watch some advertisements in the cool comfort of the theater.

2. In the bus: A fat girl wearing pointed high heeled shoes steps on your feet
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia, why don't you try again or should i try this time."

3. At a funeral: One of the teary eyed people ask
Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?

4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:- Is the "blah blah blah" dish good
Answer:- No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occasionally also spit in it.

5. At a family get- together. When some distant aunt meets you after years
Stupid Question:- Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.
Answer:- Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:- No, he's a miserable wife beating, insensitive lout...it's just the money.

7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping.
Answer:- No. I was playing cricket for India at Sharjah and just when you called Salim Malik was betting with me that Pakistan would win.What do you think?

8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair
Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding......

9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:- And while I'm telling you , you tell me if I bite.

10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks
Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke
Answer:- No, it's a miracle ...........it was a chalk and now it's in flames!!!

Ws'salam.

Re: joke II
Tarar

07/12/01 at 08:46:49

[slm]

enjoy this!

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources person asked the hot-shot young Engineer, fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The engineer cooly said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would yoq say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - for starters, say, a red Corvette?"

The engineer tried to control his excitement, but sat straight up and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

"Yeah," the interviewer shrugged, "But you started it."

[wlm]

NS
Re: joke II
slime

07/14/01 at 16:12:43

LOL, these jokes are really good!! :)
umm..here's a quote:
Where there's a Will, there's money :D

Re: joke II
Tarar

07/15/01 at 08:14:14

Man: "My wife has the worst memory I ever heard of."

Friend: "Forgets everything, eh?"

Man: "No. Remembers everything."

[wlm]

Tarar

NS
Re: joke II
meraj

07/16/01 at 22:16:55

slm,

[quote]Where there's a Will, there's money :D[/quote]

another variation: 'Where there's a will, I want to be in it' ;-D

Re: joke II
slime

07/17/01 at 23:14:35

salam,
my 3 year old cousin was putting his feet in the lake, so my older cousin said "dont put ur feet in there, there's sharks". he says "YAH! i sawed the sharks and they weren't there".
:p

Re: joke II
zanfaz

08/03/01 at 00:12:49

A collegian was deeply in love with a pretty girl,

But he did not have the courage to talk to her in
person.

So he decided to go alone and with the help of a
dictionary, he wrote a letter of proposal to her.

HE WROTE:

==============

Most worthy of your estimation after a long consideration and much meditation, I have a strong indication to become your relation. As to my educational qualification, it is no exaggeration or fabrication that I have passed my matriculation examination; no doubt without any hesitation and very little preparation. What do you say to the solemnization of our marriage celebration according to the glorification of modern civilisation and with a view to the expansion of the population of present generation.

On your approbation of this application, I shall make preparation to improve my situation, and if such obligation is worthy of consideration it will be our argumentation of the joy and exaltation of our joint dissimilation. Thanking you in anticipation and with devotion to remain victim of your fascination.

SHE WROTE BACK :

================

Dear Mr. Victim of my fascination,

Congratulation for your lengthy narration, of course,
full of affection aimed at an affiliation for a combination
which on examination, I find is a fine presentation of your ambition.
You have passed your matriculation with little
preparation, what about my graduation after a long botheration,
so improve situation in education and make an
application by acquisition of post graduation and minimum
qualification for the convocation and before taking your photo for circulation undergo
beautification.

Further strict observation of the following conditions
is the regulation for the determination of our relation:

1. Consultation of my parents before approaching for
my connection.

2. Communication of your confirmation that you are not
a victim ofany fascination and,

3. Procreation must not be your recreation.

In anticipation of a solid action instead of continuation of paper conversation.

I remain unaffected by your affection.

Once stolen, never to be robbed again!
jaihoon

08/03/01 at 18:18:44

A well known dacoit was arrested by police and on the way to court, he was asked jounalists:

You have robbed the forests cutting down precious trees, you have killed many animals, you have killed many security men.... why haven't you ever entered the house of a corrupt minister as yet?

Dacoit answered: I don't steal the goods that are already stolen.

(Those from the Subcontinent will get the joke better ;) )

Re: joke II
Fahad

08/03/01 at 18:57:46

[slm]

A man went to the doctor and said, "I'm aching all over! �where ever I touch, it hurts." �The doctor said, "Ok, then touch your nees for me." �So the man did and started yelling in agony. �The doctor was puzzled. �He told the man, "Come back tomorrow at the same time. �In the mean time, I will discuss this with my fellow doctors." �So the man came back the next day and the doctor said with excitement, "We know what is wrong with you." �"What?" �The man asked. �"Your finger is broken!"

[slm]
Re: joke II
jaihoon

08/04/01 at 12:27:33

Patient: i am having terrible pain on my left leg?

Doctor: That is due to your old age

Patient: Oh ya! My right leg is also of the same age! How come there's no pain on that.

:)

Re: joke II
slime

08/06/01 at 18:26:06

LOL i owe u people one. i'm gonna go look for a good joke.

Re: joke II
zanfaz

08/06/01 at 22:41:20

[slm]

Crazy Hero

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved
another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into
his office.

"Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're
ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."

Re: joke II
zanfaz

09/06/01 at 00:33:52

[slm]

thought i would revive the jOkE thread again.....here's one from me...

[hr]

We know that every country, including the US and India, has its share
of corrupt politicians. But what is the exact difference in their style
of operations?
An Indian minister went to the US to explore just this question.
During his trip, he was invited to a Senator's home for dinner. The
minister was very impressed by the lavish mansion, grounds and the
expensive furnishings. He asked the senator, "How can you afford all this on a meager senator's salary?"
The senator smiled knowingly and took him to the window.
"Can you see the river?"
"Yes"
"Can you see the bridge over it?"
"Of course", said the minister.
"10 percent", said the senator smugly.
Some time later, he had occasion to pay a return visit. The Ijdian
minister lavished all hospitality on him.
When they came to his house, the American was stunned by the huge
palace the minister had built, glittering with precious art, hundreds of servants etc, etc.
"How can you possibly afford this, on a salary in Indian Rupees?" he
asked.
The minister called him to the window.
"See the river over there?"
"Sure", cried the senator.
"Can you see the bridge over it?"
The senator looked, was confused, peered closely and said
"No, I don't see any bridge."
"100 percent", said the minister!!

Re: joke II
meraj

09/06/01 at 14:21:14

slm,

sorry im kinda slow.. i dont get it ???

Re: joke II
Ziggy

09/06/01 at 14:27:58

[quote]slm,

sorry im kinda slow.. i dont get it ???[/quote]

peace

lol..me neither... ???

Re: joke II
bhaloo

09/06/01 at 15:34:56

slm

See the senator was taking 10% of the money from the building of the bridge in the US so that's how he was wealthy, whereas the Indian guy took 100% of the money for the bridge in his country, and that's how he was wealthy.

Re: joke II
meraj

09/06/01 at 16:25:44

slm,

hahahaha.. ohhh i get it.. sorry for dumbing down the joke... but good stuff anyhow :)

Re: joke II
zanfaz

09/10/01 at 23:40:06

[slm]

here's one more on sardarji..enjoy ! :)

A passerby watched two sardarji in a park. One was digging holes and the other was immediately filling them in again. 'Tell me,' said the passerby, 'What on earth are you doing ? '
'Well,' said the digger, 'Usually there are three of us. I dig the hole, Balwant plants the tree and Gurdeep fills in the hole. Today Balwant is off ill, but that doesn't mean Gurdeep and I get the day off, does it ?

Re: joke II
eleanor

09/11/01 at 05:13:44

- THESE ARE TAKEN FROM REAL CVs (RESUMES) AND COVERING LETTERS AND
WERE PRINTED IN THE JULY 21, 1997 ISSUE OF FORTUNE MAGAZINE.

1. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms."
2. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
8. "Let's meet , so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
9. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
10. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved.No
commitments."
11. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
12. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to
respond to my resume on my office voicemail."
13. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no
training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage"
14. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
15. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
16. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain
store."
17. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'.
I have never quit a job."
18. "Marital status: often. Children: various."
19. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous
employers"

20. "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
21. "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me.

THESE QUOTES WERE TAKEN FROM ACTUAL PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS.
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and
has started to dig
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definitely won't be"
4. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a
rat in a trap."
6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change
whichever foot was previously in there."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts, the
better."

THESE ARE ACTUAL LINES FROM MILITARY PERFORMANCE APPRAISALS
1. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
2. A room temperature IQ.
3. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all
together.
4. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
5. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
6. As bright as Alaska in December.
7. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
coming.
8. He's so dense, light bends around him.
9. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
10.It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm.
11. Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
12. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Individual posts do not necessarily reflect the views of Jannah.org, Islam, or all Muslims. All trademarks and copyrights on this page are owned by their respective owners. Comments are owned by the poster and may not be used without consent of the author.
The rest © Jannah.Org