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Personal thoughts...
Magableh
07/05/01 at 12:07:02
My dear Brothers and Sisters, Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu. I pray that all of you are in good health with high spirits. :) With my 29th birthday approaching – all too quickly – I have spent a lot of time reflecting on my life. Have any of the (aged) 20’s, 30’s, 40’s or 50’s Brothers and Sisters here ever gone through the "life changing" or "mid-life crisis" stage? If so, how did you cope with it? At what age did it occur? How did you cope with the overwhelming feelings like you *had* to change? Or *needed* to change? Lastly, at what point did you feel "content* with who you are? (not from a religious standpoint) I feel like my life has been on hold for the last year and a half. I'll explain, and please allow me to babble, my thoughts are scattered. :) Being a Muslim, I made a big mistake. I put my trust in the doctors’ hands. I looked to them for the cure for my illness. I took many different medications, underwent several minor operations. And if I didn't do Istikhara, I would have had one *major* one also. I went to 7 different doctors in a year looking for answers. I kept asking "why?" Why is there no cure? Why isn’t the medication helping? Why is the pain only getting worse? I wanted to pray, but... I literally forgot how to. I didn’t know what to say, how or when. I couldn’t bend over in prostration. I was dizzy standing for longer than 5 minutes. I couldn’t concentrate at all. For a few weeks, I gave up praying altogether. I made excuses for my behavior. I said that if I was physically unable to do it, then it was forgivable. Ha! I was kidding myself. When I did start praying again. I would end up falling to the floor in tears. I honestly didn’t know what I was doing. I felt the need to talk to Allah (swt) in my heart, but I just couldn’t do it the *right* way. I would sit on my prayer rug, crying, for the longest time. I would seek forgiveness, guidance, and strength.  I would ask Allah (swt) to heal me. I would ask Him (awj) to keep me strong and steadfast in my iman. This happened for almost 2 months. Crying and crying while in prayer. I would praise Allah (swt) and the Holy Prophet (pbuh) but I couldn’t recite Quran or anything. And writing it down and reading it from paper...I couldn’t do it. The oddity is that out of all the times in the past that I prayed the *proper* way, I never felt the closeness that I felt to Allah (swt) that I did when I just sat down, cried and spoke with Him (awj from my heart. One night, after a day of intense pain, I showered and sat to read Quran. I had this overwhelming sense of peace come over me. At first it was scary. I had never felt this calm...this safe before. I kept reading Allah’s (swt) words...the most beautiful words in the world. That night, after weeks of not praying, only crying...I prayed like I never have before. I remembered everything, and then some. Sometimes it seems like a routine to us (prayer). Some of us do it because it's an obligation, not a desire, but it shouldn’t be. Prayer is the most peaceful, relaxing time of our day. It’s a time to speak to Our Creator, Our Protector. The One (awj) who gave us life, and the One (awj) we will return to.  It’s a time to thank Him (awj), to seek His (awj) forgiveness and ask for His (awj) guidance. I always felt that I had no one to talk to. No one to tell my inner most thoughts and desires to. Boy, was I wrong! Allah ta'ala is *always* here to listen, even if we need to vent. :) I have never felt more free, and open. All my life - without going into detail - I was told that I was a burden. I apologized for things that weren't even my fault. I kept my mouth shut because i was constantly told that nothing I had to say mattered. Humph! I don’t feel like a burden anymore. I don’t feel like I am unworthy. I feel like what I am – A  Muslim woman Worthy of love - Allah’s (swt) LOVE! Worthy of acceptance - Allah's (swt) acceptance. I am no longer going to listen to those who once told me that I am a burden. That I am useless. That I am pathetic. Why? Because I’m not. Those are their insecurities. That is their problem. If I have done something wrong, I will have to answer for it when my day comes. No one who walks this earth has the right to judge me. I don’t have to answer to anyone except Allah ta’ala. I don’t have to please anyone except Allah ta’ala. I kept telling people that I felt *alone*. But it wasn’t that I was actually alone. I had a lot of people I could turn to. I could have picked up the phone and called a sister to talk to. I could have sent an email to someone. My best friend lives 4 blocks away from me. I see him almost everyday. I started to ignore everybody. I wouldn’t answer the phone or return calls. I wouldn’t respond to emails, eventhough *I* initiated the contact. I shut out everyone and everything. I stayed locked up in my apartment with the blinds closed. I felt lost, empty, and angry. I prayed for Allah to take my life away from me if it would be better. My future looked bleak. I felt that Allah didn’t love me because he wasn’t helping me. (or so I thought) I began to doubt my faith. I even considered walking away. I converted to Islam and fell ill immediately after. I felt like I was being punished. I told myself that if I was considered to be "as clean as a baby" when I took the Shahadah then why was I being "cleansed from my sins"? I was in bad shape. Before I hit, what some might call "rock bottom", Allah ta’ala sent me a great blessing. He (awj) allowed a wonderful Brother to come into my life. He was a shoulder to lean on when the waters got rough. While  I was communicating with this Brother (about Islam), I hit the lowest point in my life. I felt like I had nowhere else to turn. I wanted to take off and leave my familiar surroundings. I wanted to run and hide, thinking that I could escape. Basically, I wanted to give up. He wouldn’t let me. He kept my head afloat. He showed me why I shouldn’t run. He showed me how to cope with the hardships. Through tireless efforts, he tried so hard to help me. But despite his efforts I was still feeling low and depressed. This was not because he wasn’t a benefit, but because I wasn’t being completely honest with him. How could one even attempt to help someone if they don’t know *all* the facts? You would only be scratching the surface and not getting into the deeper issues. Then, by the Will and Grace of Allah ta’ala, I wrote a letter to my sister one night when I was soooo depressed. I needed to vent, to get that heavy weight off my chest.  This letter contained some *very* personal, deep thoughts of mine. Something I didn’t want anyone to know...I thought that if someone knew than I would be *vulnerable*. I was a bit disoriented (upset) after I typed the letter and when I sent it, I immediately realized that I sent it to *his* email address instead of hers. (that’s good for an embarrassing moment ;) ) You can imagine how terrible I felt after that. It was gone with the click of a mouse. I didn’t sleep all night wondering what response was going to be headed my way the next day. Right away I sent him an email apologizing profusely for my mistake and I think I even asked him not to read it. (lol) His response literally changed my life. Now he *finally* knew what was in my heart. He finally knew what I was truly thinking. After so many times of trying to guide me to what was right, he had the means, the words, and the willingness to do it, Alhamdulillah! :) My biggest problem, and this might seem weird to all of you, but I didn’t understand why I had these wonderful brothers and sisters who wanted to help me. I felt like I was unworthy of their assistance. I asked myself, "why me?" "What is so special about me that they would step out of their way to see if I needed anything." One paragraph he wrote changed my entire point of view. Although there are some Masha’Allah beautiful Surah’s and Hadiths, it was this one paragraph that made me wake up! He used the analogy of a flower. (it makes me smile just thinking of it) [Note: You would have to know the entire situation to totally appreciate this. But just think about it, it’s beautiful.] [quote]Because Allah (swt) created you as a flower, and a flower should be tended to. What happens to a flower that is not tended to, and is left to it’s own devices? It withers away and dies. And what happens to a flower that is well tended to, looked after and cared for? It blooms, and becomes something beautiful, something that takes one’s breath away, something that delights, emplaces awe, wonderment and astonishment.[/quote] It makes you think...and each day, when I start to feel low, I think of these words, and I reach out to those closest to me, because now...now I know that I deserve to have their help, insha'Allah. The direction that I was headed in...the direction I was *leading* myself in, I would have withered away and died. I didn’t want that. I had to change. I had to allow myself to be tended to. I was drained, and lifeless. (numb) After so many months of living in pain, not being able to take care of even my basic needs, and losing all my hope, I *knew* I needed a change. I stopped putting my life in my doctors hands and trusted fully in Allah (swt). I turned to Him(awj) for the cure. I turned to Him(awj) to take away the pain. I prayed with more conviction than I ever had. I had a burning desire to please Him(awj).   I read Quran, not just ayah after ayah. I would repeat each word 20 times if I had to. I needed to focus. At first it was very hard, and still is. I read those (beautiful) words as if they were recited to me personally.     I feel as if I have been given a second chance. I have a gnawing feeling inside of me like I need a change. I have been for a year and a half stuck at home, unable to do anything. I was in continuous pain. Always sad, angry, upset... I am not pain free, but Alhmadulillah, I know I am going to be okay. I am not in as much pain as I have been. I am able to get up and clean, go out to the park, cook dinner without sitting on a chair. I am happier than I have been in a looong time. I smile more, even in the face of adversity. My doctor says that I am on the road to improvement. He says it's a miarcle, I say it's Allah's (swt) Mercy that he has bestowed upon me. :) I know in my heart, that no matter what tests or trials Allah ta’ala *blesses* me with I will accept them with a smile and struggle through them, or at least try to, and when I face Him (awj) on my day, I will do so knowing in my heart, insha’Allah that I tried, and will continue to try until He (awj) takes my life. I will never see an illness as a hardship again. It is a life-lesson. Believe me, I have learned so much being sick. Patience, something I have never had...I have in abundance now. :) I am no longer dreading waking up in the morning, instead I bow down and thank Him(awj) for giving me one more day. I now turn to Him (awj), and only trust in Him (awj) for answers. I willingly accept my destiny and look forward to whatever good or bad lies ahead. I will not, insha’Allah return to the heavy depression that I was in. I will, insha’Allah return those phone calls and emails, make up for the broken promises, build and MAINTAIN friendships with the wonderful brothers and sisters out there. So many things, sigh...where is the time to do it all? :) Anyway, that was way too much babbling...going back to the very beginning – Now that I feel as if I have been given a second chance, I feel like I need a change. I am happy, but not satisfied with who I am. I want to improve, and I want to start now! Honestly though, I don’t know what type of improvement I need...lol, silly huh? I want to live my life to the best of my ability, within my means and the laws of Shariah. Do any of you have any ideas on how to improve the following areas of my life... Emotionally? Religiously? Physically, okay, this is a hard one for me...maybe over time it will get better, insha’Allah. I know, this might seem odd...but please understand, I have been basically "out of it" for almost 2 years. I am on the road to a *big* recovery, and I am taking it step by step. Any ideas would be extremely helpful. And please remember, I am not financially well off, and I am a single mom ;) Maybe something that you did to overcome obstacles in your life? I don’t want to take it easy. Please don’t say that..I don’t know if I will have tomorrow, and I have "wasted" enough time just lying around. I need to stay busy. I need to be occupied. PLEASE HELP!!!! Jazakallah Khair Thank you for listening, for not being judgmental and for allowing me this avenue to vent. To all the Brothers and Sisters on this board who have been beneficial to my recovery and for keeping me strong, may Allah (swt) bless and reward you and your families. You have helped me stay strong, and have been supportive even when I was neglectful. Please forgive me for not returning the emails and instant messages right away. I was going through a lot. I was confused and hurt. I needed time to think. Your emails did not go unnoticed. In fact, I have them all printed out and read through them often. I will, insha’Allah get back to all of you. If I have ever hurt or offended any of you by my words, I seek your forgiveness. If any words I have ever written have helped anyone, all praise is for Allah (swt) and I couldn’t do it without Him (awj). :) Take care. I love you all for the sake of Allah (swt) :-) Wa’assalam, Your sister in Islam, Serena

Re: Personal thoughts...
Mehak
07/05/01 at 06:16:14
Assalam u Alikum,  Sister Serena,I am not a person of many words but since I have read ur post,I wanted to say something........I dont know what,but just ...something.I would say u have a lot of courage to let everything out.Its not always easy to realise ones problems. Even if we do realise what our problem is,most of the time,we cannot take care of it. In ur case,u have shown a great deal of courage and faith in Allah,the most Merciful.And may He bless u for that,Ameen.  All,I can say is(I cant find words!!),have faith in Allah the Almighty. I am not the happiest person in the world ,but whenever I think of Him being there for me,it just helps to know that He is always there for u. May Allah grant u all the happiness u deserve,for u truly deserve it,Ameen. Remember this not-so-worthy sister of urs in ur prayers too. And make dua for all of us so we be guided to the right path, Ameen. Allah Hafiz

Re: Personal thoughts...
Spring
07/05/01 at 08:01:18
[slm] The one advice that I would give is, be with good people. Spend time with them and sit with them. When I say good people I don't mean Muslims in general. I don't mean knowledgeable people either. I mean people who when you are with them, remind you of Allah (swt). Those people who motivate you to do good things with your time. Those with whom when you leave their company you feel like you want to get closer to Allah (swt). And those with whom you can relax and know that they would never say an ill word behind you. But also, be pro-active in finding people like this. They are quite rare. But if you find one, go out of your way to be with them and try to encourage love between your hearts, for the sake of Allah (swt).

Re: Personal thoughts...
Marcie
07/05/01 at 10:23:04
As salamu alaykum Sister Serena, Masha'Allah you have been truly blessed.  Masha'Allah isn't it amazing exactly when we need someone Allah (swt) sends someone to help us.  There have been times in my life when I felt like giving up and going back to my western ways and exactly at that moment someone came along and helped me to strengthen my resolve and my faith.   If you can try to work on tafseer you might find it beneficial.  I have noticed that it helps me to concetrate better in Arabic and I stay focused. As salamu alaykum Love fi sabillah your sister in Islam Marcie

Re: Personal thoughts...
meraj
07/05/01 at 13:56:16
slm, sr serena, i feel pretty much the same as mehak after reading that... i cant really find the words :( all i can say is subhanallah... it brings to mind the ayah in the qur'an where Allah says he guides whom he wills (forget the exact one.. if someone could please post it that would be cool :) )... we can all relate to parts of your situation, especially the feelign lost and not concentrating on our prayers :( i can tell you out of personal experience that one thing that we should all be thankful for is having frineds.. close frineds who will listen to whatever you have to say and offer they support and empathy... i recently realized how much of a huge blessing that is.. so say alhamdulillah for Allah giving you close friends, and remember that there are those who dont have that blessing :(

Re: Personal thoughts...
Saleema
07/06/01 at 02:58:21
[slm] Like everyone else I don't know what to say! I am so happy for you. I just prayed for you after maghrib and was wondering how you were doing and wanted to drop you an email and I come on this board and see your post. I am so happy for you. Did I already say that? :) Hang tight to the Qur'an. That's my advise. Nothing helps me and calms me more than the Qur'an when I am feeling sad or angry. My favorite surah to read is Surah Rehman. Seek out friends that will point out your mistakes to you gently and lovingly and to help you correct them and who would not in turn get offended if you did the same to them. I seek out people with whom I can talk about God anytime, anyplace. I try to mention God in my conversations most of the time so that even my talk becomes a form of worship. And if I don't mention God outloud I think of Him in my heart sk that I feel like my existence is meaningful. I slip sometimes of course, a lot of times actually, but I pray that Allah will overlook His slave's falut and help me to think of Him more often. Take care, Lots of Love, Saleema [wlm]

Re: Personal thoughts...
meraj
07/06/01 at 18:15:22
slm, [quote]My favorite surah to read is Surah Rehman.[/quote] i second that :) i loved it so much i jus went ahead and memorized it :) subhanallah, its a truly amaing surah (just like the other 113 ;) )

Re: Personal thoughts...
BroHanif
07/06/01 at 20:26:11
A.W.W. [quote]My favorite surah to read is Surah Rehman.[/quote] Mine are Ya sin(fulfils are your deeds for the day) Ar Rahman (read it for guidance) Tabarak (read it at night to save you from the terrors of the grave) Wakia (for Barakah in this life) As for your post Sis Serena it was moving... I'll post some more soon but in the meantime [quote]I want to live my life to the best of my ability, within my means and the laws of Shariah. Do any of you have any ideas on how to improve the following areas of my life... Emotionally? duas can be read to improve your condition emotionally, some duas can be there to remove grief etc etc. I'm working on this. Religiously? stick to the quran and the sunnah, however this means finding true friends that Sis Spring has said, this family is a start to that but to be more practical you need to see and talk people sometimes face to face, sit in thier company, eat food with them and travel with them. Physically, Two good forms of excercise, Walking and one which we all do Housework, doing housework lubricates your bones and gaining a little perspiration when doing housework can actually count towards excercise. Insha-allah if I live till the next post, I'll post, otherwise ... forgive me if I've said anything to upset you and anyone else on this board. Salaams Hanif
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