Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| advice sought [how do I make our relationship halal?] |
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| Anonymous |
| 07/08/01 at 18:50:18 |
| Asalam u Alaikum, First time on the site, and Mashallah I really found it informative (and entertaining!). I have a problem, seeking some advice. Put it to you straight. I went out with someone, we realised that we had fallen into shaitans trap, and we attempted to stop...at the moment we still speak on the phone, and this is a daily occourence. I know this is wrong, and we have two options: one to get married and make it lawful; two to dissociate from each other. He wont agree to the former (yet), and i find myself not being able to agree to the latter. How can I convince him? and if not, how can i be stronger? Your advice thanked in advance Wasalam |
| Re: advice sought [how do I make our relationship halal?] |
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| Mahmoodah |
| 07/09/01 at 02:00:16 |
| salam sis, Luv and a relationship cums from 2 sides, not 1!!! if 1 wants to get maried and 1 doesnt, then i'd suggest u kep ur distance all together, I don't think u should meet up with this guy!!! wa-salam just an opinion:) |
| Re: advice sought [how do I make our relationship halal?] |
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| bhaloo |
| 07/09/01 at 12:22:14 |
| slm How can you be stronger? Cut off all ties with him and don't contact him again. No phones, email, IM, etc. |
| Re: advice sought [how do I make our relationship halal?] |
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| sarah |
| 07/09/01 at 13:55:55 |
| Assalaamu alaykum, Also, you can use that free time learning more about your deen and reconnecting with your relationship with Allah swt. |
| Re: advice sought [how do I make our relationship halal?] |
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| Lisha |
| 07/09/01 at 14:26:04 |
| slm, ...and if he calls u, don't answer the phone. do sumthin to get ur mind of him like read the holy Quran, or go visit ur friends or go to a relatives house so he can't contact u:) w'salaam |
| Re: advice sought [how do I make our relationship halal?] |
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| Anonymous |
| 07/09/01 at 15:47:19 |
| Salamz do you think practical reasons...family think we too young,wont be able to support me financially, cant cook (!) count for anything important in delaying the marriage? Wasalamz |
| Re: advice sought [how do I make our relationship halal?] |
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| se7en |
| 07/09/01 at 18:00:02 |
| as salaamu alaykum wa rahmatAllah, something interesting I once heard someone say is that, every marriage that he's seen that was based on that kind of immediate physical desire to be married - mostly by young peeps who find it hard to control themselves - has dissipated or become unhappy within a period of three years. that's a comment we can easily dismiss, but upon reflection I think is really relevant to your situation. these marriages, the type this brother was describing, are those that were based on that physical attraction to the other. There's nothing 'wrong' with that, as we all know the hadeeth that says that a man can marry a woman for her looks, her lineage, her wealth, or her piety. however, I think a lot of times we forget the other part of the hadeeth that says, though a man can marry a woman for these reasons, he should marry her for her religion, as that will make him (and her) successful. It's interesting that I've heard this part of the hadeeth translated as, "marry a woman for her religion, otherwise you will be a loser." -- that just lays down the law -- if you don't marry a person because of their religion, because of their piety, their goodness - than you're going to end up in loss. so... I think that often times it's very easy to get distracted or even blinded by emotion in situations like this.. that's part of the wisdom behind having a wali, behind having people that are not emotionally involved in the situation take part in the decision making process... and I think it's definitely very easy to forget about the long term when caught up with the short term.. but these are things you have to sit down and seriously consider before making any decisions. how are you going to sustain yourselves financially? that's an important question. "Allah will suffice us" - is not a complete answer... y'all need to tie your camel before you trust in Allah :) -- is he able to support you and your subsequent family financially? are you going to be able to finish your education? Are you both mature enought to handle a *life long* relationship? Will you get sick of each other after the new-ness wears off? More importantly.. is this person going to help you in your Islam? Is he going to encourage you when you try to be a better Muslim, support you when you want to challenge yourself in mujahida? Is he the father you want for your children? Is he a companion you want with you throughout your life, someone you will always be able to turn to for help, for advice, for helping you improve yourself? Or is he going to be an obstacle in your journey to jannah? This is important stuff. Yeah, you want to be with him.. you care for him, you're emotionally attached.. you might even be thinking about the wedding and how beautiful it would be, or how nice it would be to *be* with someone.. but think about fights, struggles, difficulties, hardships, misunderstandings.. the patience, the sacrifice.. these are part of marriage too. do you want your life to involve this bro for the next 30, 40 years? will you be happy with him even five years from now? These are things you have to think about. Before you even do these things, you should break off the relationship you have now with this guy. 'Break off' meaning stop anything that is not permissable. Don't use the fact that you might be able to consider him for marriage as a justification for doing something that's not right. Don't speak to him everyday on the phone. Don't meet up with him in ways that are wrong. Don't allow yourself to fall into something you will not be able to get yourself out of later on. Emotions are strong, girl, trust me. Don't allow yourself to become so attached to this brother that you aren't able to make the right decisions for yourself. And if it's already gotten to that level, you need to stop, right now. It's hard, but it's something you need to do. And if he is worthy of you he will understand why you feel the need to do this, and he will understand that you need to think deeply before marrying him. Just keep all these things in mind, and make some serious dua' that Allah guide you to what is best for you, and that He grant you a spouse that is good for you in this life and the hereafter. I hope that's helped inshaAllah. take care :) wasalaamu alaykum. |
| Re: advice sought [how do I make our relationship halal?] |
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| Anonymous |
| 07/09/01 at 18:26:52 |
| Asalam u alaikum, sev7en, your advice really affected me!!! everything you just said struck a cord with me. but believe me, this isnt a whimsical decision that im making...we have discussed everything you mentioned in great depth over a period of about 3 years. and he is someone who has brought me closer to Islam, made me understand they whys and why nots (hijab,family,quran) more than anyone else.we both realise that we need to draw a line under what has gone on in the past, and stop any communication.Its just that i see marriage as the solution, whereas he thinks practicalities (which i try to ignore) and thinks that to just to stop everything is right, and we can wait for the right time (in terms of finance,family,education)and get married in a couple of years time. we have tried many many times to cut each other off, but this we are each others biggest weaknesses, and anytime i need advice, or even just a hi, its my old best friend that im reminded of.Insha'Allah i will try to follow the advice posted up here by fellow bros and sis's. Keep you posted, n thanks for the chat. Allah hafiz |
| Re: advice sought [how do I make our relationship halal?] |
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| kareema |
| 07/10/01 at 14:27:14 |
| What do your parent's think about it all?His parent's? I don't know how old you are but perhaps they can offer some insight/advice. They have been through the relationship thing at least once and perhaps they can provide perspective or practical ways in which to either not see him, or get married. Also, the thing of education, finance, may be variable, with different standards of living being acceptable to different types. I've seen some families that don't seem to accept anything that is less than upper middle/class wealthy in the terms of marriage and careers. This outlook doesn't necessarily seem to be the best Islamically to me. |
| Re: advice sought [how do I make our relationship halal?] |
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| Anonymous |
| 11/06/01 at 01:24:01 |
| Asalam u Alaikum all, Just wanted to keep you all up to date! Alhumdulilah, things are moving!!! Inshallah we shall be getting engaged soon!!! Waleikum salam |
| Re: advice sought [how do I make our relationship halal?] |
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| Anik |
| 11/06/01 at 16:12:58 |
| asalaamu alaikum, engaged? Congrats... watch as well how long you will be engaged for (trust me this makes a difference) often, we think that when we are going to be married, it's like we already are, and so we tend to supercede many limits that being single has on a muslim and I know it's hard to control... I think you have a choice, this engagment situation can really test you both in an effort to stay within limits (and it's hard to be perfect), or it can spoil you both and you can quickly grab on to activities and provisions outside of marriage. Engagment doesn't jusitfy too too much- but it does bring you closer and closer, So don't spoil it by doing something you wished you hadn't later on! another way is to imagine how you would want your children to act, or your younger sibling in an engagement situation Most of all, if you two are going to interact, try to base it around Islam... Remember, you are not in a situation where you can't help yourself; Allah Subhana does not give us more than we can bear then again, it is tough to control yourself Try utilizing Ramadan as a reason to initially start the limiting, by seeing how the month is especially one in which a muslim watches his/her actions/thoughts/desires... then, after that month, if you keep steadfast in your self-control, you may come to realize that it wasn't just that one month that you have the power to overcome desire- it's until marriage. I know a lot of people will be saying to cut off completely... this is hard I know, it is effective but saddening... try to develop a mutual understanding of this Islamic duty, the more one-sided it gets, the worse in my opinion. As well, as I think Jannah said, don't use the prospect and possibility of marriage as a permission to exceed the limits. One thing I think is cool is that feeling of holding back for the engagement period...self-control, pious restraint, create a link in your minds, your hearts (this can be done without breaking Islamic law)... grow closer inside, so much so that you feel like you forget about the physical... and then, when you are married, well you can imagine the sudden explosion of emotion: the door of physical halaal-ness is all of the sudden not only opened, but in fact entirely removed! Wait patiently for this feeling... the rewards of Sabr will Insha'Allah be sweeter. There are also a lot of practical things that must be seen, and yes, it is important to focus on them since marriage is a big practicality as well... if this upsets you, I think (and you consider this as well) it may show an immaturity you need to develop. what practical moves had you guys made? Parents gotten involved? Job and education? Living arrangement thought about? Time frames? Future goals? Once all of this is handled and marriage is the goal, just wait for that huge blessing like a rush of cool air on a hot day... At least that's the way I am trying to see this... it's hard though, and we're not perfect, and we may sometimes stumble and do things imperfectly, even with the best intentions, but think about the amazing fruit of an Islamic marriage- and Islamic patience, and let that guide you both. asalaamu alaikum. abdullah,. |
| Re: advice sought [how do I make our relationship halal?] |
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| kiwi25 |
| 11/06/01 at 17:39:16 |
| salam, alhamdulilah anon , its great to hear of the news, inshallah and by the grace of Allah(SWT) everything will work out fine. keep us posted.... wasalam nouha:) |
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| Arsalan |
| 11/06/01 at 20:18:32 |
| [slm] Interesting post Abdullah! You sound like you're speaking from experience (?) :) |
| Re: advice sought [how do I make our relationship halal?] |
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| Anik |
| 11/06/01 at 23:15:50 |
| asalaamu alaikum, :) yeah, sounds like it eh ;). Allah Subhana teaches us a lot Allhumdulillah. asalaamu alaikum. abdullah,. |
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