Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Disclosing the past |
|---|
| Anonymous |
| 07/30/01 at 14:41:38 |
| Assalamu Alaikum I wanted to get some advice and daleel that any of you might have on something that I have been thinking about for awhile. My inquiry is basically that years ago I was raped by someone that I trusted who needless to say destroyed my trust in him and for awhile in all men. Anyways, alhamdulillah I have worked through all my issues with regards to it and have been able to put it into perspective to where it no longer infringes upon my life. I don't think about too often anymore alhamdulillah. So, having gone through this but also having worked through it I want to know whether this is something that I need to tell my prospective mate. The thing that worries me if I don't tell him is that when it comes time to become intimate I will completely freak out or that much later in the marriage something will trigger it. Is it better to say something beforehand just in case or not to say anything and pray to Allah that it never needs to be raised???? I would appreciate any input that anyone might have. Your Confused Sister in Islam |
| Re: Disclosing the past |
|---|
| Mahmoodah |
| 07/30/01 at 14:45:54 |
| salam sis, i say u tell him!!!!!!!! this is coz,la8er he may not like u as much!!!! i think that if u let him know abt u, he may even luv u more then b4!!!!!! telling him is better as he'll probably find out sooner or la8er!!!!!! wa-salam |
| Re: Disclosing the past |
|---|
| Kashif |
| 07/30/01 at 15:56:19 |
| assalaamu alaikum wa rahmatullah Dear sister in Islam I think perhaps more important then the advice that any of us can give you, you should also try to contact a professional Muslim counselling service. I don't say this because i think you need counselling - alhumdulillah, you've worked thru your issues regarding that, but i'm saying this because they will insha'llah have experience in dealing with similar cases such as yours. They may be able to advise you on what to expect from the prospective spouse depending on whether you tell him or not. Or how best to break the news, etc. If you're in the UK, we have the Muslim Women's Helpline run by a professional group of Muslimah counsellors & you can contact them on: 0208 908 3205 or 0208 904 8193. And ISSRA is a broader, more developed organisation in Canada: 416-767-1531 (Fax: 416-767-0328). Kashif Wa Salaam |
| NS |
| Re: Disclosing the past |
|---|
| Mona |
| 07/30/01 at 16:00:01 |
| Assalamu alaikum, Sister, I am very stressed to hear about your past assault experience. Al-hamdolellah for granting you patience, courage and wisdom to 'deal' with it and put it behind you. May Allah [swt] bless you and protect you always. Your concerns are very legitimate and I congratulate you for coming here to seek our input. I am sure that there are many concerned brothers and sisters who will try to provide you with sincere helpful advice, like they always do. However, you have to keep in mind, most of us here, are essentially unlearned in Islamic Juriprudence and most likely whatever fleeting advice you'll receive here will stem from personal non-expert opinions. If you are looking for such non-qualified input, insha'Allah that is okay. However, I think you'd obtain a much wiser response if you were to to ask Muslim scholars (you can approach more than one) who will pore over your particular situation and give it due attention and research. What you can do is send your question through email/internet since this is a a sensitive issue which your hayaa' might inhibit you from raising in a face-to-face situation, so to speak. If you would like more information on how to reach email address that would eventually lead to putting your query in front of a faqeeh, please feel free to email me. Wassalam |
| Re: Disclosing the past |
|---|
| amatullah |
| 07/30/01 at 17:33:53 |
| Bismillah and salam, Sister may Allah be your aid, and guide you to be healthy and do the right thing. yes contact a scholar! My advice is not to tell!!! It will raise un-needed suspicion that might cause more harm than ANY good. I know of someone, and astaghfiru Allah i hope this is not gheeba, I am only telling to show you what it can do. She had had a boyfriend and told about it and it ruined her marriage, the husband is in total suspicion and worries. Always questioning if she is capable of making right decisions, and i am sure he feels trapped since she only told him after. I read a fatwa before about someone who has repented and was wondering if she should tell her prospective mate and the shaikh said noway. If she has truely repented she is better off covering up her past sins, and instead of exposing herself when Allah chose to cover them for her. I feel sorry because society is more forgiving for men who repent but not so much the girls. I understand your situation is different, not your fault. But still I think, you are starting a fresh start with your mate, dont begin it with doubt and problems. take it easy and if you don't tell with the intention to protect him from unwanted pain and evil thoughts entering into his head, i think it would be better insha'Allah. Make dua for Allah to help you enjoy your marriage life all the time. Read this: http://www.islamicgarden.com/article1007.html also i found you this in islamonline, but it is not the same one i read a long time ago. Q:I have a friend who is not a virgin. She "tabet we estaghfaret" and she really regrets what she did. She is veiled and religious. She did her mistake when she was young. Now she wants to get married and she doesn’t know what to do. She is confused about whether she should undergo an operation and if by this should be deceiving her future husband. Or should she confront him before they get married and bear the consequences? Is there a good, religious man that would accept this? I believe that Allah Ghafoor Rahim to those who regret their bad deeds, but what about people? It is a very confusing issue and she cant reach a decision and I don’t know what to tell her. A:Virginity of a woman is evaluated in a cultural way, if a man looses virginity, there is nothing wrong of what he did, but when a girl looses virginity, she will be the one unjustly stereotyped and judged. Islam is different in evaluation, "zina" is the same for a male or a female, and they are equal in responsibility. When a person commits "zina" and makes Tawbah, Allah (SWT) will accept it. No one has the right to investigate in any case of "zina". The Prophet (PBUH) tried his best interrogating Maez (God be pleased with him) to make him, may be, give a different answer from what he initiated; the man said that he committed adultery but the Prophet (PBUH) said to him, may be you had only kissed or touched (but not had sexual intercourse). In this case of the girl, we advise her to undergo an operation; it is nobody's business to dig into her story as she is behaving herself as a good Muslim. She has the full right to feel normal and to delete everything of the past in the trash. ** Q:Can a husband divorce his wife because he realized she is non-Virgin? A: Unvirginity or loosing virginity is not a defect in the Islamic laws, because it is possible, like when a man did mistakes before making Tawbah, the same thing could have been happened to a woman, then if there is Tawbah, I don’t see why we don’t accept woman’s Tawbah and we accept the Tawbah of a man. So I would say, being an unvirgin is not a good reason for divorce, it is not a defect according to Shar’ia, it does not affect a marriage to be broken or divorce, we should open the way for Tawbah and Allah (SW) accepts it from anybody. ** Q: Can a man divorce his wife if he finds out that she was not virgin when he married her? A:Non-virginity is not an excuse to divorce, to break the marriage. In case the husband divorces his wife, he will bear all the responsibilities of paying everything. ** so to me it sounds like he doesn't have the right to know. it is not ground for divorce...so why cause a problem? Unless you feel it would make you feel better...or if you think you don't want to marry someone unless they know, and unless they sympathize. But to tell you the truth, i believe most men cannot really do that without having some doubts, or thinking of it in terms of how it will effect them. But get tested, make sure you are ok, that he does have the right to know if something was wrong la qaddara Allah. Don't worry insha'Allah Allah is with the masakeen and the oppressed. Allahu a3lam. |
| Re: Disclosing the past |
|---|
| siraat |
| 07/30/01 at 17:38:24 |
[quote]salam sis, i say u tell him!!!!!!!! this is coz,la8er ..... la8er!!!!!! wa-salam[/quote] 8 = T? Why not just write a T... ------------------ May Allaah help you sis. I will make du'aa for you bi-ithni-llah. |
| Re: Disclosing the past |
|---|
| Anonymous |
| 07/30/01 at 18:48:11 |
| Assalamualaikum alaikum, I think Sr. Mona is right that you should probably consult a scholar on this issue, and I hope that this will help you in reaching a correct decision, in sha'Allah. But even though I can't be of any help with that, I wanted to speak up and at least give you a little encouragement, because I've been in the same situation. I also was raped, and now am married. I did tell my (then future-) husband, and alhamdulillah I am very glad I did. His reaction was amazing-- much more compassionate, more genuinely understanding than anyone I had ever had to tell before. I feel that I learned more about him in that moment, seeing how he reacted to the revelation, than I have in our years together since. Of course it's an immensely delicate issue, and everyone's experience of it must be different, but I wanted to let you know that it can be a very positive thing. Besides, even though it sounds like you are much more "recovered" and mentally together than I was then, you know there may still be times when you have flashbacks or uneasy moments, and it's such a relief to be able to seek comfort from your spouse in times like that. Anyway, I don't want you to think that I'm telling you absolutely to disclose-- that's up to you, with Allah's guidance. But you shouldn't necessarily be afraid of your potential spouse's reaction, either. I wish you strength as you work through this difficult time, and I will make du'a for you, insha'Allah. Wassalaam, your sister PS It's not exactly relevant to the discussion, but just for the sake of "finishing the story": I was not Muslim at the time I made my disclosure, and having seen such goodness and strength in my future husband (mostly just his own nature, but also I believe a result of his Islamic upbringing) was a huge factor in my own eventual decision to convert. Even though (for one final irony), the men who raped me were also Muslim-- at least nominally. |
| Re: Disclosing the past |
|---|
| Anonymous |
| 07/30/01 at 22:13:53 |
| asalamualykum, I was never raped buti was sexually abused for years by my uncle, my tutor, my cous. and my quranic teacher. I still have difficulty with it. my mom's reactopm was mot compassionate, she did care of course and was angry but i did not receive any "counseling" or comfort in her arms. i did not reveal it when i was young but i told her some years back. i told my future husband, (what i mean is that we are not married yet) and that i still have trouble with it and that he may need to be patient with me. His response was very compassionate and very understanding, alhamdullilah. If he did not react that way then i wouldn't have stayed with him. So my suggestion is to tell your husband because you will still have flashbacks sometimes and not be able to please your husband if you are being intimate, he needs to be understand at such a time. any man who won't act passionately towards such tragedy is a jerk and you don't deserve him nor does any other women. take care, and may Allah grant that which is best for you in this life and the next. ameen. |
Individual posts do not necessarily reflect the views of Jannah.org, Islam, or all Muslims. All trademarks and copyrights on this page are owned by their respective owners. Comments are owned by the poster and may not be used without consent of the author.The rest © Jannah.Org |