Knowing about the past

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Knowing about the past
Anonymous
07/30/01 at 14:42:56
Assalamu Alaikum

I wanted to know from all you brothers would you prefer that your
prospective mate kept the fact that she had been raped as a teenager to
herself or would you want to know?  Basically happened years ago.

How would you feel if she told you the day before your nikah?  Would
you still marry her?

How would you feel if after you were married to her and had been for a
number of years that she told you?  Would it be better or worse?  

The reason that I ask is because one brother told me that if he had
found out that someone had done that to his wife even though it was before
marriage it would have torn him up inside and driven him crazy not to
be able to do anything about it.  He stressed that guys seem to have
this need to take some kind of action and if they can't they somehow feel
useless.  Is that true?

All input is HUGELY apprectiate.

Your Sister in Islam
Re: Knowing about the past
Kashif
07/30/01 at 16:18:46
assalaamu alaikum

Just in addition to what i wrote in the other thread in the Akhwat Cafe, i was talking about this topic recently with one of our local imams, and he pointed out that the aspect of the woman being a virgin can be a big, big issue (in some cultures more than others). If the fact of the rape is hidden at the time of marriage and he expect syou to be a virgin and discovers otherwise the outcome could be unpleasant. Do your family know what happened to you? If this were to get out, their reaction has to be accounted for too.

It also depends on the brother - if he was kind and empathic (is that a word?) he might turn out to be a source of comfort and support for you, whilst knowing what had happened - but then he might also turn out to be a bum who isn't caring at all.

Personally, i think its a bad idea to tell him about the rape the night before the nikaah. The brother will be in an awkward situation to say the least, and perhaps he might be the type of brother who can support you and care for you *after* it sinks into himself what this means. But that will take time even for him to accept.

Leaving the disclosure of this information till 24 hours before one of the greatest days of both his and your life is just a bad decision. I'd say that either you tell him sufficiently in advance, or if you can withhold this forever, that you choose that path, and may Allah make things easy and smooth for you, and give you lots of courage and strength, and give to the criminal what he deserves. Ameen.

Kashif
Wa Salaam
NS
Re: Knowing about the past
NewJehad
07/31/01 at 08:12:16
slm

I as a male will feel very uneasy if this fact was hidden from me and I found out later.
I would prefer to find out before I make my decision to marry or not to marry, so I could think about it.
It won’t matter to some men as it was none of your doing, but it will matter to other men, as they would prefer to marry a virgin.
Whether you agree or disagree with what they chose, the choose is up to them.
A lot of men marry reverts and divorcees so it is clear not all men feel the same way about the issue. But its best to find how the one you want to marry sees this issue and let him decide for himself with all the facts at hand whether he still wants to marry you.
Leaving it till the last moment is just silliness, how do you expect him to react if you tell him just before the wedding night?
There is a time and place for everything, and that is the wrong time and place.
Re: Knowing about the past
haaris
07/31/01 at 10:08:18
[slm]

I agree with what the other brothers have said.  You should tell him but tell him far more in advance than on the eve of your nikkah.

I'm sure that it would not be your intention to pressurise the brother but it could easily be misconstrued as such if he hears this news from you on, what brother Kashif has rightly described as, "one of the greatest days of his and your life".

If you do decide to tell the brother (which, in my opinion, you should) then you should do so in a way in which he can fully understand and come to terms with the situation as a whole.

On a personal note, the only difference that it would make to me is that I would respect you even more for your bravery and honesty (I hope that that doesn't sound too condescending: I don't mean it to be so but I can't think of better words at the moment, perhaps I'll modify it later).

Yes I would feel angry to hear that you have been so cruelly mistreated and yes I would feel even worse to know that I am powerless to do anything about it.  However, I would like to think that I would not be so selfish to think that it was all about me.  I would hope that my compassion and consideration for you would outweigh it.

Sister, at the end of the day you must do what feels right for you.  I pray that Allah (swt) makes it as easy for you as possible and that He allows your intended to be as strong and supportive a person as he needs to be in this situation.

Your brother in Islam.


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