Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Desi InLaws |
|---|
| Anonymous |
| 07/31/01 at 04:08:37 |
| Asalaam Alaikum, I recently met a brother I am intersted in for marriage while at school. When I say *met* LoL I mean had an Econ class with and we worked together on an in class project. During this time I grew to see what a wonderful person he and the same is true for him. (Lucky for me =) The problem we are having is I am an American revert to Islam, I have been Muslim all my life, when my Mom re-married a Muslim when I was 2. His family is from Pakistan. His Mother seems deadset on getting him the traditonal girl from back home. Despite the fact I speak Urdu, I wear shalwar kameez, I can even cook qorma and chicken tikka!!!LoL They don't seem willing to accept me. I don't know what to do? Some friends of mine have told me the thing I need to do is have a one-on-one talk with Mah Jaan...But wow that seems scary even though I know that is something traditional. So if any of you has any advice or ways to win her over...some cathcy Urdu pharse or something LoL then please help... Shukria, Shukran and Jazzaki AllahuKheir... Asalaam Alaikum, |
| Re: Desi InLaws |
|---|
| Anik |
| 07/31/01 at 12:59:31 |
| A.A. you wanna talk directly to the mother-in-law? hmmm... I don't know whether to give you the cynical response or be ideal... I guess you know that it could go both ways... Allahu Alam... well, I think it would be bold but the best thing to do, just remmeber, to put it mildly, many-a-times ppl who are not born and raised in the present society may not be used to certain things... in other words, it may take a little more than talk with the mother... see I realized this... the mother needs assurance that the spouse is right for her son (she's like mother bear)... although many mother-in-laws are liberated women, some even look for a submissive one to take care of her son... the impression many immigrants, particularly desi's, have about white Americans (and again, I am generalizing but this i swhat i have seen by-and-large) is that they are all the same (there is subtle racism sometimes) I think you should somehow come in contact with the boy... email perhaps? or his sister? that way, you're not leaving the mother alone to be challenged against her own biased thinking, show her a good muslimah in you with the help of someone who she understands as well... East meets West has to gel... don't worry though, do the best you can... perhaps visit her with another desi muslimah who you know? perhaps the comfortability level will increase on her side (maybe yours as well). just try to create a point of understanding... perhaps bring a gift she will like or make food? show warmth and kindness that will try to eliminate any prejudice (preconceptions, misconceptions) that may be in both of your cultural fabrics... and don't worry as much, Allah Subhana knows best. asalaamu alaikum. abdullah,. |
| Re: Desi InLaws |
|---|
| explorer |
| 07/31/01 at 14:03:16 |
[quote]I can even cook qorma and chicken tikka!!! [/quote] That should be a good enough reason :D |
| desi..[rollin eyes] |
|---|
| princess |
| 07/31/01 at 14:48:19 |
| walikumas'salaam warahamtullah ;-D [quote]His Mother seems deadset on getting him the traditonal girl from back home. Despite the fact I speak Urdu, I wear shalwar kameez, I can even cook qorma and chicken tikka!!![/quote] this soo typical desi aunti mentality :) it's hard to remove that from someone who's had it soo imbedded in them :) to her, u may look like someone who is fronting..(wearin shalwar kameez, cookin desi food and all..:)) [quote]Some friends of mine have told me the thing I need to do is have a one-on-one talk with Mah Jaan...But wow that seems scary even though I know that is something traditional.[/quote] ok, i don't know what kind of friends u have..but that advice is soo not the way to go..sit back and think about what u're sayin..YOU YOURSELF want to talk to ur future mother in law..? does that make sense..? i could understand if u didn't have any family, or a wali even, but u do..u have ur mother and father (if not uncles, aunts, brothers, sisters..) [i]i[/i] would think that this mother in law, would think ur act is very battameez (unappropriate) and she probably wouldn't even further consider this :) u don't wanna do anything that's [i]not[/i] gonna help ur situation..think carefully before u act..discuss with ur mother and father! that's what they r there for! maybe if u think she'll (mother in law) be discriminating to ur mother..then have ur father talk to the boys father.. what about this boy u met? what's he doing to help u, or to convince his mother? does he have a father he could possibly go through to get things in the works? u need to confirm this boy is behind u 1000% before u jump into something like this..:) inshAllah, this helped :) it's not some intense advice as i'm sure others here could give u, but it's as real as it's gonna get :) feamanAllah ;-D |
| Re: Desi InLaws |
|---|
| bhaloo |
| 07/31/01 at 15:34:26 |
| slm The desi mentality, wow, that is one of the most complicated things to understand. Many/most of us ABCD (American Born Confused Desi) have no idea how to deal with it. Someone needs to write a book on this. I've heard so many interesting stories, and even had a few recent experiences where I was telling some uncle types about Islam. Boy was that ever a disaster. Princess did a good job of explaining the desi mentality. I think you should make the korma and chicken tikkah for your future mother in law (oh refer to her as "aunty" and try to speak as little as possible and look at the floor alot). Don't go there alone, go with your mom or with your mom and dad, otherwise like Princess said, they will think you are batameez or thaiz even. You have to be shy, and never argue with anyone, everyone is right, even if you disagree with them. |
| Re: Desi InLaws |
|---|
| Arsalan |
| 07/31/01 at 16:38:48 |
| [slm] LOL bhaloo! Man, someone is ticked :) [quote]thaiz [/quote] What is that? |
| Re: Desi InLaws |
|---|
| bhaloo |
| 07/31/01 at 17:21:02 |
| slm Arsalan you are the second person to ask me about thaiz, one person asked me in IM. For those of you that forgot your Urdu, thaiz means fast or sharp, I'll use it in two sentences. 1). Yeh churri baht thaiz hai. (This knife is very sharp). 2). Yeh larki kafi thaiz hai. {This girl is very "fast"}. |
| Re: Desi InLaws |
|---|
| kiwi25 |
| 07/31/01 at 17:28:22 |
| salam, maybe u should also "tok like thish" .......j/k, i didnt mean to offend any desi ppl, but i htought it was funny, im sorry if i did :) wasalam, nouha:) |
| Re: Desi InLaws |
|---|
| mango |
| 07/31/01 at 23:38:06 |
| salam, Nouha?? "Tolk like thish" yeah that sound real desi to me. |
| Re: Desi InLaws |
|---|
| humble_muslim |
| 08/01/01 at 08:31:06 |
| AA An old story, may Allah help you benfit from it. A Woman on a Mission Sidra Khan reports on Aisha Bhutta's bid to convert the world to Islam The Guardian, London, UK Aisha Bhutta, nee Debbie Rogers, is serene. She sits on the sofa in big front room of her tenement flat in Cowcaddens, Glasgow (Scotland). The walls are hung with quotations from the Koran, a special clock to remind the family of prayer times and posters of the Holy City of Mecca. Aisha's piercing blue eyes sparkle with evangelical zeal, she smiles with a radiance only true believers possess. Her face is that of a strong Scots lass - no nonsense, good- humoured - but it is carefully covered with a hijab. For a good Christian girl to convert to Islam and marry a Muslim is extraordinary enough. But more than that, she has also converted her parents, most of the rest of her family and at least 30 friends and neighbours. Her family were austere Christians with whom Rogers regularly attended Salvation Army meetings. When all the other teenagers in Britain were kissing their George Michael posters goodnight, Rogers had pictures of Jesus up on her wall. And yet she found that Christianity was not enough; there were too many unanswered questions and she felt dissatisfied with the lack of disciplined structure for her beliefs. "There had to be more for me to obey than just doing prayers when I felt like it." Aisha had first seen her future husband, Mohammad Bhutta, when she was 10 and regular customer at the shop, run by his family. She would see him in the back, praying. "There was contentment and peace in what he was doing. He said he was a Muslim. I said: "What's a Muslim?" Later with his help she began looking deeper into Islam. By the age of 17, she had read the entire Koran in Arabic. "Everything I read", she says, "was making sense." She made the decision to convert at 16. "When I said the words, it was like a big burden I had been carrying on my shoulders had been thrown off. I felt like a new-born baby." Despite her conversion however, Mohammed's parents were against their marrying. They saw her as a Western woman who would lead their eldest son astray and give the family a bad name; she was, Mohammed's father believed, "the biggest enemy." Nevertheless, the couple married in the local mosque. Aisha wore a dress hand-sewn by Mohammed's mother and sisters who sneaked into the ceremony against the wishes of his father who refused to attend. It was his elderly grandmother who paved the way for a bond between the women. She arrived from Pakistan where mixed-race marriages were even more taboo, and insisted on meeting Aisha. She was so impressed by the fact that she had learned the Koran and Punjabi that she convinced the others; slowly, Aisha, now 32, became one of the family. Aisha's parents, Michael and Marjory Rogers, though did attend the wedding, were more concerned with the clothes their daughter was now wearing (the traditional shalwaar kameez) and what the neighbours would think. Six years later, Aisha embarked on a mission to convert them and the rest of her family, bar her sister ("I'm still working on her"). "My husband and I worked on my mum and dad, telling them about Islam and they saw the changes in me, like I stopped answering back!" Aisha's father proved a more difficult recruit, so she enlisted the help of her newly converted mother (who has since died of cancer). "My mum and I used to talk to my father about Islam and we were sitting in the sofa in the kitchen one day and he said: "What are the words you say when you become a Muslim?" "Me and my mum just jumped on top of him." Three years later, Aisha's brother converted "over the telephone - thanks to BT (British Telecom)", then his wife and children followed, followed by her sister's son. It didn't stop there. Her family converted, Aisha turned her attention to Cowcaddens, with its tightly packed rows of crumbling, grey tenement flats. Every Monday for the past 13 years, Aisha has held classes in Islam for Scottish women. So far she has helped to convert over 30. The women come from a bewildering array of backgrounds. Trudy, a lecturer at the University of Glasgow and a former Catholic, attended Aisha's classes purely because she was commissioned to carry out some research. But after six months of classes she converted, deciding that Christianity was riddled with "logical inconsistencies". Unlike Aisha, Trudy has chosen not to wear the hijab, believing it to be a masculine interpretation of the Koran. Her family don't know that she has converted. "I could tell she was beginning to be affected by the talks", Aisha says. How could she tell? "I don't know, it was just a feeling." The classes include Muslim girls tempted by Western ideals and needing salvation, practising Muslim women who want an open forum for discussion denied them at the local male-dominated mosque, and those simply interested in Islam. Aisha welcomes questions. "We cannot expect people to blindly believe." Her husband, Mohammad Bhutta, now 41, does not seem so driven to convert Scottish lads to Muslim brothers. He occasionally helps out in the family restaurant, but his main aim in life is to ensure the couple's five children grow up as Muslims. The eldest, Safia, "nearly 14, alhamdulillah (Praise be to God!)", is not averse to a spot of recruiting herself. One day she met a woman in the street and carried her shopping, the woman attended Aisha's classes and is now a Muslim. "I can honestly say I have never regretted it", Aisha says of her conversion to Islam. "Every marriage has its ups and downs and sometimes you need something to pull you out of any hardship. But the Prophet Peace by upon him, said: 'Every hardship has an ease.' So when you're going through a difficult stage, you work for that ease to come." Mohammed is more romantic: "I feel we have known each other for centuries and must never part from one another. According to Islam, you are not just partners for life, you can be partners in heaven as well, for ever. It's a beautiful thing, you know." |
| NS |
| Re: Desi InLaws |
|---|
| Anonymous |
| 08/01/01 at 16:28:16 |
| Asalaam Alaikum, Well thank you for all your replies...I'm not frontin' LoL...My stepfather hails from Peshawar, Pakistan...so I've grown up in the culture since I was 2...The person I am intersted in has talked to his Mom about me and she told him that she was sure I was a very nice girl, but later in life he would want a paki girl...I really think I'm going to go with my Abu and meet her...Thanks once again for the advice... Allah Hafiz |
| Re: Desi InLaws |
|---|
| kiwi25 |
| 08/01/01 at 17:33:36 |
| salam, mango u dont get it do u? wasalam nouha:) |
| Re: Desi InLaws |
|---|
| haaris |
| 08/02/01 at 05:36:22 |
| [slm] Just one quick observation, you say that [quote]I am an American revert to Islam[/quote] but that [quote]I have been Muslim all my life[/quote] and [quote]My stepfather hails from Peshawar, Pakistan...so I've grown up in the culture since I was 2[/quote] So, I'm assuming that you've been brought up as a Muslim since childhood? Perhaps someone will correct me if I'm wrong but that doesn't make you a revert. Alhamdullilah you have been Muslim all of your life since we are all born Muslim and it is only our parents who make us Jews, Christians, etc. Subhana Allah, you do not seem to have had this corrupting influence. The issues of "Muslim" and "reverts" surely are not ones of ethnicity. Perhaps it is this confusion of cultural and religious values that has put you in your current dilemma. Please forgive me if I appear to have been prying, it was not my intention. May Allah grant you what is best for you in this life and the next. Ameen. [slm] |
| Re: Desi InLaws |
|---|
| Anonymous |
| 08/03/01 at 20:36:35 |
| Assalaam o alaikum > I have been Muslim all my life > I speak Urdu > I wear shalwar kameez > I can even cook qorma and chicken tikka Mama mia, a 'goree' with these qualities! What more can a desi guy dream for! BTW, thaiz is not the correct transliteration. It should be tez or taiz (urdu/hindi). It does not have vulgar connotations. First meaning is 'sharp'. Secondary meaning (just like in english) is 'astute'. Context may transform it to mean 'cunning'. Yes, desi moms usually don't want their prospective 'bahus' to be very 'tez', i.e. too cunning. The 'saas' (urdu/hindi for mother in law) would definitely not want her bahu (daughter in law): to be a 'chalti purzah' (literally means working component, translates roughly to 'scheming, wily, and/or too bold') to be with a 'gaz bhar kee zabaan (literally means a 'yard of a tongue', used for a woman who always has a pat reply or one who always talks back) to be a 'churail' (translates to 'banshee' or a satanic female character; usually used for women who flaunt their beauty) to be a harrafah (bad woman!, also used when the woman in question is not of bad character and even may be a perfect match for the man but the prospective 'saas' is just too annoyed) The good thing is that you have your race on your side (beside those 'formidable and awesome' qualities you mentioned). For better or for worse, most desis get overly impressed by the goras (the whites). But they also have preconceived notions about gorees (white women) in general. Then there is that universal inertia that resists different cultures. Moreover, if the 'saas' is from the tribal areas or where urdu is not the first language, you may encounter a bit more resistance. May Allah make it easy for you. |
Individual posts do not necessarily reflect the views of Jannah.org, Islam, or all Muslims. All trademarks and copyrights on this page are owned by their respective owners. Comments are owned by the poster and may not be used without consent of the author.The rest © Jannah.Org |