Why are men like this?

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Why are men like this?
Shahida
08/28/01 at 06:41:15
Salaam dear sisters!

I just have 1 simple question...when you refuse a man's marriage proposal, why does he end up being such a stupid little baby about everything?? It ALWAYS ends up "sour" you know?

Is it the same with women?

Salaam
Shahida
to make manhood noble...
se7en
08/29/01 at 00:58:18

wa alaykum as salaam wa rahmatAllah,

It's interesting that no brothers responded to this :)

Shahida I ain't no brother, and for the life of me I don't understand some of the things they do.. but here's my theory..

When a brother proposes to a sister, it's a very serious thing on his part.  He approaches her (I would hope) only after serious and deep reflection and deliberation.  He's thought of her in terms of his own goals and plans for the future, and he's come to the decision that he wants to spend the rest of his life with this sister.. that she is the one he wants as his companion on this journey.. that she's the *right* one.  When he proposes to her, he's not just telling her that he likes her, or that he's attracted to her, but that she is the *one* for him.  

It's a *big* deal.  So, obviously, if she turns him down he's gonna be hurt.  

So why do brothers act stupid when that happens?  Cuz they're human.. and humans make mistakes, and do stupid things.. especially when hurt.

Being hurt doesn't give anyone the right to act like a jerk though.  We are commanded to be just, even if it's against ourselves.. the brother's got to realize that this woman who rejected him is still his sister in Islam, and he still has to do right by her despite any resentment or anguish he may harbor.  (hell yeah that's hard, but that's why it's called jihad)

And also some advice to you sis.. don't allow his hurt/anger to guilt trip you!  I remember a conversation with a bro (hopefully he won't get mad that I'm sharing this) and he said basically that if the relationship btwn a man and woman isn't at the point where they are *engaged*, and then it's broken off -- brothers don't carry anywhere *near* as much emotional attachment as sisters.  And that some brothers actually try to emotionally manipulate sisters by dramatizing their feelings.. that it can seem like a bro is about to slash his wrists in despair if something happens between the two of you.. but if you give him a few weeks he'll be alright..

I was just amazed at how he described the nature of some brothers relative to what I know about sisters.. how a sister can get so emotionally involved with a brother even when marriage is *nowhere* in the picture.. and how brothers don't have that type of involvement unless it's something super serious.. subhanAllah.. we are different eh..

Anyway, I can go on and on about my theories on brothers (just ask me about compartmentalization, the two categories, and Abdullah Adhami ;)) but yeah, maybe some *actual brothers* can enlighten us here :P

wAllahu 'alam.

wasalaamu alaykum.


Re: Why are men like this?
Kashif
08/29/01 at 03:09:26
assalaamu alaikum

Some brothers can take a rejection quite easily and others have some big problems. In the latter case i think its because they've become just too feminised.

Kashif
Wa Salaam
NS
Re: Why are men like this?
Barr
08/29/01 at 04:15:22
Assalamu'alaikum :)


[quote]In the latter case i think its because they've become just too feminised.[/quote]

You mean... those who are more in touch with their feelings, and hence are more honest with who and what matters in their lives and recognise and accept that, without having the fear that such acknowledgement threatens their manhood ? *heh heh*  ;-D ... is that the big problem? ;)

Ahhh.. well... men... too simple to be understood by us, complex beings... ;) They, are, from Mars, U know...

But seriously, I've known gallant, gentlemen brothers who said... if that's what Allah has willed... then, alhamdulillah.... cool brothers, they are, mashaAllah.

I stand by Se7en's hypothesis... we're talking about matters of the heart and a lifelong commitment to it. And if the brother has done lots of sacrifice in the process... well, who wouldn't be hurt? It can be emotionally draining, I guess... But that is a process of tarbiyah for them (and us as well)... for them to discover themselves too.

I for one, am still amazed with men and their emotions.

Well...Allah is with those who are patient... and the best do come to those who have sabr.

Rejection, is protection.
and Allah knows best :-)

wassalam
*The one who needs more lessons in life* Barr




Re: Why are men like this?
Shahida
08/29/01 at 06:32:50
Salaam alaikum

I totally agree dear Barr
[quote]Rejection, is protection.
and Allah knows best :-)

[/quote]

I figure, he should think "Oh,well, al7amdulillah, at least Allah saved me from making a mistake!!" ... thats the way I see it.  I told him that inshaAllah, Allah has someone BETTER than me for him, but he is being such a jerk about the whole thing.

Is it possible that he prayed Istikhara, and got a "positive" answer, and when I did it it came out extremely negative???

Se7en is right too, mashaAllah, you make so much sense sis! I understand that he would be hurt, but we are all Muslims, and there is a certain manner that we deal with disappointment, isn't there?

Hey, no guilt-trip taking hold here!! Am not one to fall for those kinda stuff...but it's frustrating, because this has caused trouble between our families(his family members are ALL kinda acting mean and dreadful).

Oh, well, inshaAllah, khair.  My sis said: see how he's actin? better that Allah saved you from that!...am tending to agree, al7amdulillah.

Salaam
Shahida
Re: Why are men like this?
Barr
08/29/01 at 07:45:58
Assalamu'alaikum...

[quote]Is it possible that he prayed Istikhara, and got a "positive" answer, and when I did it it came out extremely negative [/quote]

Anything's possible, ukhti... but as much as we like to rationalise a lot of the "unexplained" or "incomprehensible" things in our life... well, we don't have all the answers. Sometimes, we just need to leave it unanswered... for the problem may not be the problem itself, but coping with the problem. And it is about coping with the bitterness or sweetness in life, that makes us understand ourselves and the signs of Allah better, inshaAllah. :)


Might like to look up at these threads, ukhti :)

[url=http://www.jannah.org/cgi-bin/yabb/YaBB.pl/YaBB.pl?board=sisters&action=display&num=3167]Reproposal: Advice Required[/url]

[url=http://www.jannah.org/cgi-bin/yabb/YaBB.pl/YaBB.pl?board=sisters&action=display&num=2745]How would you look at the signs?[/url]

Hope these help, inshaAllah :-)

wassalam
Re: Why are men like this?
Arsalan
08/29/01 at 12:43:16
[slm]

I'd say se7en hit it right on the nail!
[quote]In the latter case i think its because they've become just too feminised.[/quote]Kashif, that was hilarious man! :D
Re: Why are men like this?
Saleema
08/29/01 at 13:09:46
In the latter case i think its because they've become just too feminised.

I had a good laugh. :D Thanks Kashif.

[wlm]
+
Re: Why are men like this?
M.F.
08/29/01 at 13:12:22
Assalamu alaikum,
I think that what happens is that men turn into jerks because that's a way for them to hide their pain.  They try to act as though it's no big deal, but they take it to an extreme, turning into uncaring ... jerks I guess.  Another thing is, maybe, their pride has been hurt, but since they don't want to aknowledge it, they'll reverse it and become even more filled with pride and start behaving the way they do.  I don't mean this in a bad way, believe it or not.  To me it's just a fact.  Most brothers are mature enough to handle rejection in a mature way. I'm referring to the ones who aren't.  
Re: Why are men like this?
bhaloo
08/29/01 at 13:37:20
slm

[quote]In the latter case i think its because they've become just too feminised.[/quote]

Spot on! :D

I agree with Arsalan, Se7en hit the nail on the head.
Re: Why are men like this?
Kashif
08/29/01 at 13:47:39
assalaamu alaikum

I'm serious guys. When some brothers are given a knockback they take it as some kind of major tragedy. Well let me tell you something, guys get over gals. Fullstop.

If there is a brother who is on your case who has some streak of weirdness in him, the best thing to do is to be harsh. Something like "mate, i do not want to marry you and i don't want to hear from you again. Period."

The reason i say this is that if you take a softer approach like "brother you are a really nice chap masha'llah, but i don't think you're the one for me" you can bet your bottom dollar that he'll only hear the first part of the sentence.

And sisters, just watch out for the poetry that comes from feminised brothers when they're given a "No" - one i'll never forget went something like "Abdullah walks off alone into the sunset...."

sunset ka bhacha... i'll show him sunset.

It is unfair on sisters for a brother to give them a hard time emotionally, and treat them incorrectly just because they werre rejected.

However, i do agree with sister Se7en that making a proposal is a major step for a brother... and if a brother has been rejected i don't believe the sister should assume the relationship can be the same again. Something fundamental in it will have changed.

Kashif
Wa Salaam
NS
Re: Why are men like this?
bhaloo
08/29/01 at 13:57:43
slm

[quote]sunset ka bhacha... i'll show him sunset.
[/quote]

Man your good. I didn't know you knew Urdu? ??? I think my crown as defending Urdu champion of the translation contest is at stake. ;)
hahahaahahahahahahaahahah..
princess
08/31/01 at 16:45:35
walikumas'salaam warahmatullah ;-D

[quote]I think my crown as defending Urdu champion of the translation contest is at stake. ;)[/quote]

man..u're too funny :) spare us..PLZ :) feamanAllah ;-D
Re: Why are men like this?
The-Doctor
09/03/01 at 12:15:44
[slm]

Complex issue no doubt. You know someone once told me that it is good to "emotionally" detached when asking, whereas you assume the answer is going to be no, so that if it is a no, then the blow isn't half as bad. Allahu A3laam, maybe this is wrong because it probably isn't very Islamic to be cynical is it?

It takes a state of mind to deal with it, and I tend to side with the more cynical aspect of things in life.

Wa Allahu A3laam.
Re: Why are men like this?
mujaahid
09/04/01 at 05:39:51
Well well, whose been turning down marriage proposals than ;-)

Well being a brother who is always having marriage proposals turned down, i think its probably an ego thing with some, and genuine hurt with others!

If a brother see's a woman he wants to marry, and is attracted not just to her looks but also other aspects such as personality etc then he will in his head see his future with this woman, and probably expects the woman to accept, well i do, and when she turns him down, as always happens to me, then he will be hurt, because he'll feel his dreams etc have been shattered! Its only understandable he'd be hurt!

Why is it that knownone wants to marry me? I aint ugly or nothing!

Sisters what reasons would you reject someone on?

Massalaam
Re: Why are men like this?
Barr
09/04/01 at 09:32:23
Wa'alaikumussalam warahmatullah...

[quote]Sisters what reasons would you reject someone on? [/quote]

If he's a good Muslim... then, the only reason (so far...) would be

Istikharah and istikharah only... well, a negative answer to my istikharah, to be precise.

Allahu a'lam

Re: Why are men like this?
mujaahid
09/04/01 at 12:04:47
Istikharah?

I dont understand, please explain :-)
Re: Why are men like this?
Saleema
09/04/01 at 13:18:22
[slm]

Mujahid-- hey you can't take that name. now i don't feel so original. i'm mujahida. I now have to change it. :)

anyway, i just wanted to point out to you that you used the girly smily face.

[wlm]
Re: Why are men like this?
Ziggy
09/04/01 at 14:34:54
salaamz.

lolz!! oh Lord...! u ppl are funny! :D

anywayz...carry on with this interesting conversation... :)
sorry for interrupting.. hehehe! :)

wassalam
zakira
Re: Why are men like this?
mujaahid
09/04/01 at 14:52:08
Assalaamu-alaikum

well you see i'm a brother who wears Hijaab :) I was once told not to try and intepret hadith unless i was qualified to do so, just wish i listened! Now look at me :)

Hey how come you said your names Mujahida, yet your message was by Saleema? I apologise sister if you feel i'm taking away from your originality! Because i'm so kind, i'll let you keep the 'a' :)

Mujaahid (Nazir Ismail!) (thats my real name)!
Re: Why are men like this?
mujaahid
09/04/01 at 14:54:04
sorry, i better put my Hijab back on :-)
Re: Why are men like this?
nehar
09/04/01 at 16:41:07
[slm]

men r just men! They r immature and cant hack reality!

Its not just marriage propsals they get all jerkish about but wen they ask u out and get rejected! Allah (swt) gave us woman more patience and common sence.

Sister if a guy is doing ur head in cuz u rejected him, ignore him, he'll get over it!!

[wlm]

Sister Nehar
Re: Why are men like this?
bhaloo
09/04/01 at 17:01:16
slm

[quote]

Allah (swt) gave us woman more patience and common sence.

[/quote]

What is your proof for this that Allah (SWT) has said this?  Let's becareful about attributing something falsely to Allah (SWT).
Re: Why are men like this?
explorer
09/04/01 at 17:26:09
[slm]
I am pretty sure women too feel like this (or something similar) when they don't even recieve any marriage offers, let alone being rejected.
If a man feels hurt after being rejected, well its human nature, and though there are better ways to deal with it, we're all different and people respond differently. It does not mean in any way men are jerks or anything of the sort :)
[wlm]
Re: Why are men like this?
Mahmoodah
09/04/01 at 18:57:02
salam:-)
this must b ma sis, sick n tired of all those annoyin bros, proposing to her, lol!!!
i dunno wat they c in her, lol!!!  XCEPT 4 shez my sis!!!;)

wa-salam
Re: Why are men like this?
Nazia
09/04/01 at 22:24:37
slm,

yo yo yo...whats with all the male-bashing??  Comments like, "Men are soo immature and jerky" are so odd, because they really don't make much sense.  Essentially, you're calling your father, brothers, uncles, grandfathers, teachers, scholars, everyone a jerk!  Unless you make a comment like, "Men are jerks, except my father, your father, my brother, my husband, my friend, my neighbor ...." and so on and so forth until you basically end up with something like:  "That one guy I met that once was really jerky"  And obviously, as we all know, we can make the same comment about a particular woman.  And to take this a step further, singling someone out like that could be regarded as back biting and we should refrain from it anyways- so ultimately, it makes no sense.

Anyways, I hate male-bashing, I don't know why, woman bashing is wrong too, but I never diliked it as much as I dislike male-bashing.  Maybe after I got engaged, I felt like it was personal :) , but I don't think thats it.

Ok..carry on.

Take Care,
Wassalam,
Nazia
Re: Why are men like this?
mujaahid
09/05/01 at 09:37:54
Yeah why the male bashing? OK so some brothers are hot headed and sensitive, and dont take rejection too well, but the sisters should not be allowing these guys to go to the point where they will get hurt. You simply find out what you need to know, and if you aint compatible, you go your separate ways!

Some off the comments seem to be suggesting that its not just a case of finding out what you need to know! Come on guys, be islaamic, we shouldnt even be speaking to each other without a Mahram present, so lets all be a bit more islaamic and stop chatting to each other so openly.

I apologise if i said anything offensive thier ;-)
Re: Why are men like this?
nehar
09/05/01 at 18:11:01
[color=Red][slm]

im really sorry every1, i didnt mean 2 say wat i sed, i was in a foul mood, i'm really, really sorry.

[wlm]

Nehar in a betta mood[/color]
Re: Why are men like this?
blissfull
09/10/01 at 16:27:52
dear brother mujaahid, too easey perhaps!
Re: Why are men like this?
mujaahid
09/11/01 at 07:15:52
"dear brother mujaahid, too easey perhaps!"

And what is that supposed to mean?

I hope your not saying i'm easy!!! :(
Re: Why are men like this?
taueeya
09/16/01 at 02:56:02
Assalamu Alaikum,

       [quote]Some brothers can take a rejection quite easily and others have some big problems. In the latter case i think its because they've become just too feminised.[/quote]


            Either too feminised or seriously affected by Hindi movie virus. :)


Wassalam.

Re: Why are men like this?
Anonymous
09/30/01 at 13:54:23
slm

[quote]Sisters what reasons would you reject someone on? [/quote]

Anonymous Messaging at it's best!  Now I can be brutally honest, heh heh heh 8-)


These are the brothers I would send walking..

(the names have been changed to protect the "innocent")


*** Bilal Bling Bling

It's all about the house, the car, the clothes, livin large and impressin the Joneses for Bilal.

He's the kinda guy that has his eye on the prize, and the prize isn't contentment in this life or happiness in akhira, but finanical, material success.

Guys like this work their whole lives, waste away their youth, health and energy.. for what?  So people turn to stare when they cruise in their 65G beamer on the highway, or notice that that suit they're rockin is Versace.

It's a shame, a waste of a human being and their capacity for spiritual depth and their ability to change the world around them.

Simplicity is beautiful, inner richness is what counts, and material success is worth very little in the long run.

I'd most likely send him packin' back to martha's vineyard in his lexus and perfectly tailored suit. :P


*** Raja "back home" Desiwala

Y'all probably know the kinda brother I'm going to complain about here.  This is the one who likes to criticize sisters for being too "open", talks about how "back home" women knew their place (ie cookin biryani in the kitchen and havin kids) and who, for reasons that are completely beyond me, like to play cricket.

And let's not forget Raja's favorite pick up line:  "Will you friendship with me?"

My dear sisters.. if this line is ever used on you, back away s l o w l y, locate the nearest exit, and evacuate the premises.  Trust me, it's for your own best interest.


*** Shakeel "call me Shy-baby" Playa

I'd kind of get the feeling he's not the right brother for me if:

- he has more girls #'s in his cell phone than I do
- he has better hair than me
- he knows more jay-z songs than surahs
- his screen name is "hotdesi" "greatguy4u" or "arabcsnva"

There are actually overt players (ones with the flirtatious attitude, who dress extremely well, and have a 'reputation'), and those that are more 'subtle' - that seem like the average brother on the outside but really, have a history of toying with girls emotions and breakin hearts.

So be careful.  Sometimes that baller attitude is present in "decent" brothers, but more insidious than you think..


*** Kazim Istakbarr

Now Kazim.. Kazim is the kinda brother who makes no compromises.

It's his way, or the highway.. that leads to Hell.  If you don't do things in the way he was taught was correct, you're obviously wrong (astaghfirAllah), he's obviously right, and there's nothing you can do or say to change that.

If this brother comes to my door, starts talking sweet and dropping ayaat like they're gonna go out of style, I'm going to think twice about him, his sincerity and how much of what he's saying is actually a front.

I can imagine...

My pops:  So Kazim.  What do you do for a living?

Kazim:  Alhamdulillah, Allah is sufficient as a provider.  (Meaning: no job.)

P:  I see.  You seem like a religious fellow.  Have you studied Islam formally?

K:  Alhamdulillah.  (Meaning: I read one book once.)

P: <Impressed, thinking he's learned>  MashaAllah.  So what's your favorite surah?

K: Al-Ikhlaas.  It is so short yet so beautiful.  So simple, yet so full.  MashaAllah.  (Meaning:  Al-Ikhlaas is the only surah I know.  It's nice.)

etc



---------------------

Note:  I really hope this didn't offend anyone.. it's just meant to be humor :)  I know there are some AMAZING brothers out there who might share some characterestics with the above parodies, but that are definitely more than marriage-worthy.  I hope you don't take offense to this!!

May Allah grant us all righteous spouses that are the coolness of our eyes.  Ameen!

Heh heh heh..

slm

ps - shout out to the girls that helped me write this ;)  It was a blast :)
Re: Why are men like this?
Seeker
09/30/01 at 03:41:10
[slm]
[quote]
*** Raja "back home" Desiwala

And let's not forget Raja's favorite pick up line:  "Will you friendship with me?"

My dear sisters.. if this line is ever used on you, back away s l o w l y, locate the nearest exit, and evacuate the premises.  Trust me, it's for your own best interest.

*** Kazim Istakbarr

I can imagine...

My pops:  So Kazim.  What do you do for a living?

Kazim:  Alhamdulillah, Allah is sufficient as a provider.  (Meaning: no job.)

P:  I see.  You seem like a religious fellow.  Have you studied Islam formally?

K:  Alhamdulillah.  (Meaning: I read one book once.)
[/quote]

Hey anon, good stuff. This is soo funny! Interesting names..(Mr. Desiwala and Mr. Kazim  heh) but definately some characters to watch out for.
And people wonder why women turn guys down..(do they really want to know the reasons??)

~mooni
Re: Why are men like this?
Ziggy
09/30/01 at 07:20:18

[quote]



*** Raja "back home" Desiwala

Y'all probably know the kinda brother I'm going to complain about here.  This is the one who likes to criticize sisters for being too "open", talks about how "back home" women knew their place (ie cookin biryani in the kitchen and havin kids) and who, for reasons that are completely beyond me, like to play cricket.

And let's not forget Raja's favorite pick up line:  "Will you friendship with me?"



*** Shakeel "call me Shy-baby" Playa

*** Kazim Istakbarr


I can imagine...

My pops:  So Kazim.  What do you do for a living?

Kazim:  Alhamdulillah, Allah is sufficient as a provider.  (Meaning: no job.)

P:  I see.  You seem like a religious fellow.  Have you studied Islam formally?

K:  Alhamdulillah.  (Meaning: I read one book once.)

P: <Impressed, thinking he's learned>  MashaAllah.  So what's your favorite surah?

K: Al-Ikhlaas.  It is so short yet so beautiful.  So simple, yet so full.  MashaAllah.  (Meaning:  Al-Ikhlaas is the only surah I know.  It's nice.)

etc


[/quote]

LOLZ!!! u seem experienced sis.... ;) :)
oh man..i love this thread!! :D ;) :) ;-D

hehehe...

wassalaam
zakira..

ps. i got a feelin my post iz gonna get removed cuz its of no use at all :P :)

anyways...peace


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