Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Too old to marry |
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| savannah |
| 09/10/01 at 06:38:11 |
| Asalaamu aleykum, I am a 32 year old canadian revert to islam. Before i reverted, i took my time in deciding what i wanted to do with my future ie marriage etc. In that society it was just fine to wait before settling down. But i find that now i am muslim, i have been told i am too old to marry. Is this true? I dont regret finding the right path, but i am finding it very hard to deal with the fact that i may have closed a door that was open to me before i embraced islam. This has been bothering me for a long time and i have been sad about it for months. Did i make a bigger sacrifice than i realized i had to?? I would like children and a family one day, Insha'Allah but it seems like i am too late for that. Is it true? |
| Re: Too old to marry |
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| Learner |
| 09/10/01 at 07:30:43 |
| slm :) [quote]i have been told i am too old to marry. Is this true? [/quote] Absolutely Not! [quote]I would like children and a family one day, Insha'Allah but it seems like i am too late for that. Is it true?[/quote] Again...Absolutely Not!!! ):( Whoever has been telling you all this needs to get their heads checked and get a bit more educated about Islam! Since when was there ever a condition regarding the maximum age for marriage? My dear beloved sister, please do not take any notice of the person who has been giving you all this misinformation. Try to refer to a good knowledgeable scholar if possible. If you manage to do so, he/she will tell you that Islam encourages marriage greatly...And though Islam encourages us to marry young it in no way states that a person will become too old to marry at a certain age. There are many brothers and sisters out there who will be willing to help you find a suitable spouse. In fact there are many institutions established with the sole purpose of Pleasing Allah (swt) by introducing Muslims and Muslimahs together in the halaal method. You can get more info on this from jannah.org sisters section. Just two months back, a revert muslimah (aged 46) married a revert brother (aged 38) here near my locality - So it isn't late! The best example should be served by Khadijah (ra) who married Rasoolullah (saw). Khadijah (ra) was 40 when she married him. From their union Khadijah (ra) was blessed with four daughters - each who are leading examples for the rest of mankind. PLEASE do not feel saddened in anyway whatsoever because in actual fact there is nothing really to be sad about. Always remember Khadijah (ra) and smile! :) wlm :) |
| Re: Too old to marry |
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| Kathy |
| 09/10/01 at 08:04:52 |
| slm I am a revert and married at 32- had a baby at 35! We just completed nine years of marriage! .... and as a note of hope- I was a divorced muslim at the time, it was his first- and he is much younger! Allah swt is the best of Planners! |
| Re: Too old to marry |
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| Lisha |
| 09/10/01 at 13:06:17 |
| slm, sis i've never heard ne thing like this!!! ne ways a ditant relative or mine married in her 30's and has recently given birth to a baby girl:) i think her hubby is only a lil older then her! so sis i cant c y u cant get married! insh'allah u'll find a life partner when u r ready:) take care, w'salaam |
| Re: Too old to marry |
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| meraj |
| 09/10/01 at 18:58:54 |
| slm, sr. savannah, with all due respect, whoever told you that was drinking a bit too much bootleg bebzi ;) everythgin learner said is true.. im just surprised that someone would make that kind of a statement.. i mean even some non-muslims would consider that unusual ??? |
| Re: Too old to marry |
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| mujaahid |
| 09/11/01 at 03:02:12 |
| Assalaamu-alaikum Sister at 32 your are NOT too old to marry! Whoever told you that dont have a clue what thier talking about! I know a brother who is 34 and would LOVE to meet a women in her 30's for marriage! Its not too late, in fact your not really that old for marriage! A lot of girls/women get married in their late 20's, so early 30's isnt really and oldie now! Sister i'm sure if you look around, you'll find plenty of borthers who will be willing to accept your marrage proposal! May i ask you something? How come you didnt marry before? Was it because of work, education? Maasalaam |
| Re: Too old to marry |
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| Barr |
| 09/13/01 at 01:06:11 |
| Assalamu'alaikum, Dear Savannah, First and foremost ... welcome to Islam! :) It's always nice to have another sister in the house :) And to answer your post... like what everyone has said... no, one is never too old for marriage :) Ideally, there are so many things that we should look beyond the apparent... age, beauty, wealth, lineage etc etc etc... But the reality of some societies is that people are still not able to look beyond... for they are not able to see. And, that can have an effect on us... when what we desire to have and cherish, seemed to be blocked, by social expectations. But you know what? No matter how bleak we think things are... It takes an extra special kind of a person... to lift what is apparent... and see the beauty deeper that others seemed to miss. But those kind of a person is rare and such rarity would take some time to surface for our own selves to see. I'm sure your jewel is somewhere out there, inshaAllah. The sacrifice you have made for Allah, by accepting this deen, would never go unnoticed by the Most Merciful. It'll just take a bit more time, for someone to walk through that door.... Allah has it all written down for you... the pen has been lifted, and the pages dried. Make lots of du'a, sister :) And Allah never breaks His promise :-) Take care :-) |
| Re: Too old to marry |
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| NewJehad |
| 09/13/01 at 11:27:18 |
| slm Depends on whom you want to marry. If it's some one in there late teens, it will be near enough impossible, but it does happen. If its some in his thirties like you then, no problems. Not many 18 year olds are willing to marry 32 year olds, and the ones that are willing, can't cause their mothers wont let them. |
| Re: Too old to marry |
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| mujaahid |
| 09/13/01 at 11:56:37 |
| "Not many 18 year olds are willing to marry 32 year olds, and the ones that are willing, can't cause their mothers wont let them" LOL!!!!! |
| Re: Too old to marry |
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| Denise |
| 09/15/01 at 20:26:45 |
| Don't feel bad sister, I'm a little older than you... I have a story to tell, but don't feel like going into it... But, one sister put me to ease after I came close to marriage, and falling into depressing... She said, what Allah wills will happen and nothing is going to get in the way ... So, in other words... I stopped feeling bad about not marrying this brother and also not being married... Take Allah as your shield.. As Salaam U Alaikum.. Denise... ;) |
| Re: Too old to marry |
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| meraj |
| 09/15/01 at 20:40:13 |
| slm, [quote]Don't feel bad sister, I'm a little older than you... I have a story to tell, but don't feel like going into it... But, one sister put me to ease after I came close to marriage, and falling into depressing... She said, what Allah wills will happen and nothing is going to get in the way ... So, in other words... I stopped feeling bad about not marrying this brother and also not being married... Take Allah as your shield..[/quote] i agree... Allah kinda gives us an 'insurance plan' of sorts.. if we pay our premiums (obey Him, fear Him, worship Him), then He will insure that nothing will happen to us that isnt whats best for us.. because when we trust in Him, He will do what he knows is best for us.. knowing that takes a lot of worry and disappointment off of our backs.. so for example if you dont marry someone you hoped to, then it may be because Allah knew that it wasnt whats best for you... and its very much possible that somethign better is in store for you later down the road :) so cheer up, and remember... Allah's got yo back ;) |
| Re: Too old to marry |
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| NewJehad |
| 09/18/01 at 13:12:34 |
| slm people with US passports can easily get married.. just go to a poor country and wave your passport about. you will have loads of proposals.. only thing is, it may be likely that you will gain a divorce after he has obtained citizenship. |
| Re: Too old to marry |
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| sadiqah |
| 09/19/01 at 07:28:27 |
| Hey sister i just got married! My husband is 31years old and I am 43years old. Do not be worried about what people say. Inshaallah everything will work out for you. Asalam Alaykum. |
| Re: Too old to marry |
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| sadiqah |
| 09/19/01 at 07:29:23 |
| Hey sister I am an Australian revert and I just got married! My husband is 31years old and I am 43years old. Do not be worried about what people say. Inshaallah everything will work out for you. Asalam Alaykum. |
| Re: Too old to marry |
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| Kathy |
| 09/19/01 at 08:24:28 |
| slm Often Jehad, I find your posts mildly amusing. Sometimes I think below your statements there lies a truth to how many men really do think. Also I try to keep in mind your age and have bit my tongue instead of replying to some of your statements. This time your comment about the green card hit a nerve. When I was in my late twenties I attended a study group made mostly of brothers. I was able to sneak in the back of the room, usually unnoticed- because their classes were so enriching. Masha Allah,I am sure they noticed -but just kind of "pretended" I was not there. Now to reiterate- these were excellent classes- and led by learned men. One evening they digressed and began talking about marriage and the green card. All of a sudden the atmosphere changed in the room and they were comparing "war stories" of their marriages. One brother asked the group of about 20- who married just to get his green card. About 10 raised their hands. They began laughing about it and joking about how they just "used" these women. Their conversations took a life of their own. Apparently they forgot I was sitting in the shadows. Tears started rolling down my face. My first husband- the love of my life- divorced me 2 months after he got his papers. So Jehad- can you imagine how I felt when I read your comment? |
| NS |
| Re: Too old to marry |
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| savannah |
| 09/21/01 at 13:53:24 |
| Asalaamu aleykum, Wow.....i didnt think i would get that many replies. Thanks to everyone. I do feel alot better now and not so "hopeless". It took awhile before i could post this because i was way too stunned by what happened last week. I stayed off the net and when i did try all of a sudden i couldnt get into Jannah lol. You would not believe how many passwords i tried. I thought i had gone crazy lol. Anyway to answer your question Mujaahid i never married for a few reasons. One was i just didnt feel "ready" (who ever does), and i was very afraid to try because i saw how my parents marriage had gone, and how alot of north american marriages seem to be. I know i am generalizing. I was always "shy" and wasnt really into "dating". It never seemed worth it from what i saw. Before i converted i did date two people (not at the same time!) but it didnt seem right. Part of it might be i didnt see what i had to offer. Also, i have been caring for my mother who is disabled so i thought the "marriage option" was out.Since i would not leave her of course and am honouring what Allah (swt) would wish. In a way, maybe it is better that i never did marry. From what i have heard, it might have caused problems when i converted. Allah (swt) knows best. I think what it all comes down to is that i was (and still am to a degree) afraid of trying and getting hurt. But since i converted, i did alot of soul searching about everything in life. Probably it made me think when everyone i spoke to seemed shocked that i had converted on my own. Don't worry NewJehad-i am not looking to steal the cradle lol. Marrying a younger man never occurred to me to tell you the truth. And believe me i am fully aware of how hot a commodity you are when you wave about a passport from North America. Sadiqah, i just wanted to congratulate you on your marriage and taking the time to reply too. And Kathy i am so sorry for what happened to you. I hope you are feeling better now. He didnt deserve you and you will find the right one who will. Allah (swt) knows best as everyone says. I was warned about that by some well meaning brothers and sisters plus a book i read on it. If i do look it will be sure i will only look at a north american with his citizenship. That isnt to say he has to be born here but just as long as he has it. I am sure that there are alot of very kind brothers who would not do that but i am not willing to take the risk. I am sorry you were hurt Kathy. I have gone through alot of hurt too especially the last couple of years. And sometimes i think it is Allah's way of showing us how strong we are and to prepare us for what He (swt) does have planned for us. So easy to type that but i admit i have trouble thinking that way. Thanks for replying though. It isnt easy facing something so painful. Ok that is it. I have typed too much already. Either i dont type at all or if i do i make it into a major boring saga. Wasalaam:) |
| Re: Too old to marry |
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| solehah |
| 09/25/01 at 22:12:51 |
| (((((((((((((((((((Savannah)))))))))))))))))))))) Much as this sounds like a cliche, Life is very strange and that makes it wonderful in many ways. Although I am married, I always told my zauj that even if I am not married by this age, I would still lead a fulfilling life. Having a family is a wonderful experience, but being Muslims we must realise that Life in itself is a blessing from ALlah and to LIVE it, to actually not just exist but LIVE, is a wonderful experience. Many a times I envy my sisters who are not married because they have the ability to spread the wings and fly longer and further than I could due to my many considerations. I am already accepted by a Uni to do my Masters next year but even now, I have been having serious doubts and second thoughts due to my concern for my family. Sister, ALlah will only bestow what is good for us, although we may not be able to see the good. If you are still single now, then that is good for you at this point in time. If you are married by this time next year, then that is good for you. Most importantly, see the blessings in everything and get past the negatives. As for the person who told you that terrible untruth ? Well maybe he or she needs to get a Life :) Wallahualam bissawab. |
| Re: Too old to marry |
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| solehah |
| 09/25/01 at 22:18:51 |
| (((((((((((((((((Kathy)))))))))))))))))) I do not pity you sister, but I extend my hand in sympathy. Reading your post, I could feel the raw sadness emanating from your simple words. This is not because I am a woman given to delicate snsibilities but because I have felt as you have felt, and in some ways, experienced what you have experienced. And it still hurts. Know how I exorcised my hurt ? I told myself that MY life has been richer for having loved someone and that loving is a blessing and to be able to love is a gift. Not all stories are fairytales but in each one of them is a lesson. My lesson was to love ALlah above and beyond any worldly love, be it love for my zauj or my children. *Hands Kathy a tall glass of chocolate shake* Here's to many more years of loving and being loved, insya'ALlah. Wassalam. |
| Re: Too old to marry |
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| solehah |
| 09/25/01 at 22:49:53 |
| Salaam ---> To brothers Jehad and Mujaahid May this post find you in the highest state of Iman and health, Amin. I have thought long and hard on the wisdom of sending this post because I am very much aware of my status as a very new member. I have also read many other posts, some by your goodselves, so I had to caution myself against generalisation. But, I guess conscience won the day so here I am now with my piece on the matter. Brothers, as Muslims we are to start all our endeavours with a dua. The simplest form of which is to recite the taa'uz and the basmallah. The reason being, so that all our efforts will be safe from the whisperings of syaitan and be blessed by ALlah SWT. Also, psychologically, the recitation of the dua will suppress nafs and enhance thoughts. I shall not make mention of the previous posts I have read submitted by your goodselves but I must emphasize that this response is my reaction to your handling of the issue posted by Sis Savannah. Brother Jehad, have you any idea what the issue was before you poked fun at age differences ? Have you any idea how people would feel before you summarily forwarded greencard marriages ? Have you any idea at all I wonder ? Brother Mujaahid, does it give you perverse satisfaction to be able to tell Sis Savannah that 32 is still okay cos we have an older sister who is 43 ? Would that satisfaction perhaps be coloured by the Sis Sadaqah's hurt ? Does it give you perverse satisfaction to laugh at Bro Jehad's tasteless take on 18yr olds who aren't allowed to marry older women cos their mama won't allow it ? Well brothers, I have news for you. The post is NOT about age. Its about a woman's sincere worry about issues that affects her after she reverts to Islam. And is this how we display the beauty of Islam ? By making a mockery of her concerns ? In case you missed it, the post is NOT about age. Its about women trying to live their best as ALlah's servants and yet still struggling with society's twisted notions of what is right and wrong. Would you poke fun at this struggle ? Just for good measure, this post is NOT about age. Its about women who have given their trust and love to another human being but was betrayed by worldy greed. Would you applaud that greed ? I know that both of you are young, but age is NEVER an excuse let alone a reason for one to be insensitive and tactless. Maturity is not number dependent in case you don't know. So much hurt can be avoided if we only care about one another. So I urge you, and I remind myself, to please make dua before you embark on your next posting venture so that your words will flow with kindness and inspire goodness. My sincerest apologies to each and everyone who have found this post offensive. The intention is not to reprimand but to remind, especially myself, that we are all here because we believe in one common thing. That Islam is the Truth. Let us enjoin to spread that message and dua that we are protected from wrongdoings, Amin. ---> The Administrator If this post is deemed to be inappropriate please feel free to delete it. Wallahualam bissawab. |
| Re: Too old to marry |
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| mujaahid |
| 09/26/01 at 02:48:48 |
| Assalaamu-alaikum Solehah Jazaakullah for you words of advice, and may Allah (awj) reward you for having the bravery and courage to tell me of my many faults and flaws, as having them pointed out is the only way they can be corrected. Also i would just like to say that my comments were not intended to cause offence to anyone, however if they did then i sincerey apologise. May Allah (awj) forgive me for my ignorance! Its time now for me to launch my personal Jihad in bettering myself as a muslim, inshallah. Maasalaam Mujaahid |
| Re: Too old to marry |
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| solehah |
| 09/26/01 at 03:39:08 |
| Wa'alaikumsalam warahmatullah wabarakatuh Alhamdulillah Bro Mujaahid, marha marha. For the most difficult of jihad is against one's nafs. May ALlah bless you for your efforts, Amin. Similarly, should I ever err in any of my posts please do point it out to me. Our aim should be to improve ourselves constantly for the sake of ALlah, Insya'ALlah. Wassalam. |
| Re: Too old to marry |
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| Arsalan |
| 09/26/01 at 15:34:03 |
| [slm] Courage. That's what it takes to accept your mistake in public. May Allah bless you br. mujaahid with knowledge and wisdom. And may he forgive your shortcomings and accept your good deeds. Wassalamu alaikum. |
| Re: Too old to marry |
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| Anonymous |
| 09/29/01 at 21:51:34 |
| After reading a posting about age and marriage, it dawned on me that theres many muslimah out there whose crossed the 30 years of age and still not married. Whereas we appreciate the part about seeking refuge with Allah, but the fact still remains that we do feel lonely inside. Could anyone suggest any special dua requesting for marriage? I've tried looking up many books for this guidance but so far in vain. ishi |
| Re: Too old to marry |
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| amatullah |
| 09/29/01 at 22:40:18 |
| Bismillah and salam, Well you can do two rakas and for the second ayas just read the ones about having ot do with partners or children: "Allahuma hab lana min azwajina wa thureyatina qurrata a3yun waj3alna lil muttaqeen imama" 25:74-75 And those who pray, "Our Lord! Grant unto us wives and offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes, and give us (the grace) to lead the righteous." Those are the ones who will be rewarded with the highest place in heaven, because of their patient constancy: therein shall they be met with salutations and peace, "rabbee la tatharni fardan wa anta khayrul waritheen"21:89-90 And (remember) Zakariya, when he cried to his Lord: "O my Lord! leave me not without offspring, though thou art the best of inheritors." So We listened to him: and We granted him Yahya: We cured his wife's (Barrenness) for him. These (three) were ever quick in emulation in good works; they used to call on Us with love and reverence, and humble themselves before Us. "rabbee hab li min-ladunka waleya, ..min aali ya3qooba waj3alhu rabbe radheya"19:05-07 "Now I fear (what) my relatives (and colleagues) (will do) after me: but my wife is barren: so give me an heir as from Thyself,- "(One that) will (truly) represent me, and represent the posterity of Jacob; and make him, O my Lord! one with whom Thou art well-pleased!" His prayer was answered): "O Zakariya! We give thee good news of a son: His name shall be Yahya: on none by that name have We conferred distinction before." 11:71-73And his wife was standing (there) and she laughed: But we gave her glad tidings of Isaac and after him, of Jacob. She said "Alas for me! Shall I bear a child, seeing I am an old woman, and my husband here, is an old man? That indeed would be a wonderful thing!" They said: "Dost thou wonder at Allah's decree? The grace of Allah and His blessings on you, O ye people of the house! For He is indeed worthy of all praise, full of Glory!" 51:28-30 ...And they (angels) gave him (Ibrahim) glad tidings of a son endowed with knowledge. But his wife came forward clamoring, she smote her forehead and said: "A barren old woman!" They said "Even so has thy Lord spoken and He is full of wisdom and knowledge." 19:24(This is) a recital of the Mercy of thy Lord to His servant Zakariya.Behold! he cried to his Lord in secret, Praying: "O my Lord! infirm indeed are my bones, and the hair of my head doth glisten with grey: but never am I unblest, O my Lord, in my prayer to Thee 14:38-41 "O our Lord! truly Thou dost know what we conceal and what we reveal: for nothing whatever is hidden from Allah, whether on earth or in heaven. Praise be to Allah, Who hath granted unto me in old age Isma'il and Isaac: for truly my Lord is He, the Hearer of Prayer! O my Lord! make me one who establishes regular Prayer, and also (raise such) among my offspring O our Lord! and accept Thou my Prayer. "O our Lord! cover (us) with Thy Forgiveness - me, my parents, and (all) Believers, on the Day that the Reckoning will be established! Just make really sincere and proper (where you consciously remove the hijabs of du3a like you must say certain things that help) du3a during your sujood. ask Allah to give you a partner as you want 3iffa and especiallly if he knows if it is best for you in this life and the hereafter. To make you both sali7een musli7een to help spread his word on this Earth. Or to give you ridha contentment if no. see this site which might be helpful if you are interested: http://www.angelfire.com/ab3/muslimfamily/Matrimonial.html |
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