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How do you cope?
Serena
09/27/01 at 11:01:49
My dearest Brothers and Sisters in Islam, Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu. I pray you are all in the best of health and iman. I have some questions I'm hoping you might be able to help me with... Since my Sister’s accident my “family” considers Islam a curse, for 2 reasons – immediately after I converted I fell ill, and now, months after my Sister converted, she has passed on. I say this because... While my sister was fighting for her life I made her a promise. She was unconscious and I don’t know if she heard me but I promised her that I would look after her boys – the same way she had told me not even days earlier – in the way she wanted. And now I’m afraid that I *might not* be able to fulfill that promise. You see, her husband is not Muslim and my relatives are keeping her boys from me and not allowing me to go around them *at all*. Although I will try for the rest of my days to fulfill that promise, I’m wondering if I should make tawba to Allah ta’ala for making it? I made it with good intentions, yet now I don’t know if I can keep it.:( Also, my family will not allow my Sister to be buried Islamically. Will having her service and being buried in a Catholic cemetery cause any harm to her in the Hereafter? Will it cause her to suffer? Am I able to attend if I don’t pray along side them? What am I allowed to do in this type of situation? If I do something good in this world, can I ask Allah ta’ala to grant my reward to her? My sister was “clean as a baby” – wallahu a’lam – so why would she have to suffer in such a way before He (awj) took her back? You see, her head went through the windshield and she suffered terribly...my questions is - *since* she was “clean as a baby”, would Allah ta’ala make her suffer some sort of hardship before she left this world because we will all have to suffer some hardships? I am clearly unwelcome over here at her house, because my family is nearby, so is it obligatory for me to stay here during my grieving process or can I return back home? Should I stay until her funeral? Do I have any obligation to my non-Muslim family? How does one deal with the guilty feelings? I keep thinking maybe there was more I could have done. Maybe we shouldn’t have spent that 10 minutes laughing and I should have been teaching her something about Islam instead. Maybe I didn’t do enough. Maybe I should have sat with her kids more and taught them more about Islam. Maybe I should have given her more tapes, books, etc. Is there justification for having these feelings? I feel – wallahu a’lam – that I did what I could, and tried to give her as much da’wah as possible, but what if I didn’t do all I should have? Is this a sin on me? I seek forgiveness *all the time* but I’m wondering if I should do tawba for these *specific* issues? How can I begin to put those *what if’s?* and *why’s?* behind me? Is this a normal feeling? I feel like I haven’t done *enough*. Is there anything I can do in her name? Any ideas on how I can get through to my family so that I have time with her kids? I have been trying for almost 2 years to get through to them and *nothing* has worked. Now they seem even angrier with me. They feel that I bear some responsibility in my sisters death. :( I just feel lost without her and I don’t know what to do. :( One last thing... As I sat holding my Sister's hand and she took her last breath, I couldn't help but think...what's happening to her right now? Did the Angel of Death come and take her soul? Is she being questioned right now? How does Islam view "the body" after the soul is removed? Does the soul return to the body in the grave? Is it scary or peaceful? Does she feel a loss at leaving her loved ones behind? Did she feel anything? *Please* help me to understand. :( Wa'assalam, Serena

Re: How do you cope?
solehah
09/27/01 at 12:22:59
Waalaikumsalam wr wb Bismillahirrahmannirrahim Dearest Sis Serena It breaks my heart to read your post, not only from the pain I feel from your loss but also the pain from having to continue living and moving on after the demise of a beloved. You have raised many questions and issues.  Some Insya'ALlah I will help you with and some are outside my powers to do so. From all that you have told us below, I think your urgent and immediate need is to seek counselling for your grief. I can sense a tremendous feeling of loss and confusion arising from the late Sis Cindi's death within you.  It will be very hard for you to decide on many important issues and to move on if you have not come to terms with your grief.  Please Sister, do seek counselling for your grieving process, to help you and your nephews better. [quote]Although I will try for the rest of my days to fulfill that promise, I’m wondering if I should make tawba to Allah ta’ala for making it? I made it with good intentions, yet now I don’t know if I can keep it.:([/quote] Although you have made a promise to her ALlah knows your limits and your capabilities. Do not burden yourself with the idea of the promise for it will add unnecessary pressure on you.  See the promise as one of your many life goals.  You work towards achieving it. But if you don't succeed immediately do not despair nor give up because we can never know what the future might bring.  Don't make tawba now for the promise.  Instead make dua so that ALLah will give you the strength and wisdom in fulfilling your promise. [quote]Also, my family will not allow my Sister to be buried Islamically. Will having her service and being buried in a Catholic cemetery cause any harm to her in the Hereafter? Will it cause her to suffer? Am I able to attend if I don’t pray along side them? What am I allowed to do in this type of situation?[/quote] Did she have conversion letters ? If she has then can the local Muslim authority do something about it because YOU are family too. Here, if you have conversion letters u are automatically buried according to Islamic rites regardless of what your family says. I am not comfortable about answering questions on the Hereafter but Insya'ALlah although her body is being buried according to the Catholic rites, her soul belinged to ALlah and surely, ALlah is Most Gracious.  If you want to attend, you can, I think. I would. But I would make an effort to go to the pulpit (or whatever it is called) and make a declaration that she was a Muslim and that I would make a short dua for her. If it is difficult for you to do so, then just remain quiet and Istighfar to ALlah and make silent duas for her. (Others may disagree :) ) [quote]I am clearly unwelcome over here at her house, because my family is nearby, so is it obligatory for me to stay here during my grieving process or can I return back home? Should I stay until her funeral? Do I have any obligation to my non-Muslim family?[/quote] Right now, your obligation is to ALlah and yourself and to the legacy of your late sister, ie the boys.  If you feel that you cannot grief properly there then go home. Stay home and make dua for her soul and proceed with your grief. [quote]How does one deal with the guilty feelings? I keep thinking maybe there was more I could have done. Maybe we shouldn’t have spent that 10 minutes laughing and I should have been teaching her something about Islam instead. Maybe I didn’t do enough. Maybe I should have sat with her kids more and taught them more about Islam. Maybe I should have given her more tapes, books, etc.[/quote] Sister, it is very natural to feel guilty when someone passed away but if we allow that feeling to linger long it might develop into something else.  Please seek counselling for your grief so you can learn to cope better with it.. [quote]Is there justification for having these feelings? I feel – wallahu a’lam – that I did what I could, and tried to give her as much da’wah as possible, but what if I didn’t do all I should have? Is this a sin on me?[/quote] The fact that she embraced Islam before she passed away is a strong testament of how beautiful a sister you have been to her and how much blessings both of you have received. [quote]How can I begin to put those *what if’s?* and *why’s?* behind me? Is this a normal feeling?[/quote] Its very very normal. There are 5 stages in the process of grieving. You are at stage 1. Those questions are very very normal questions. [quote]I feel like I haven’t done *enough*. Is there anything I can do in her name?[/quote] Dua and sadaqah in her name. Read the Quran and sadaqah it to her. [quote]I just feel lost without her and I don’t know what to do. :([/quote] *wipes eyes* I felt like that for a longgg time when my grandda passed away. I love him so very much.... [quote]*Please* help me to understand. :([/quote] I think that you need to understand how to take care of your feelings sister. You need to learn how to cope. You need to know how to move on. Its not easy, trust me I've been there. But its possible. Please heed my advice about counselling.  Above all, I pray that ALlah will grant you strength and peace and wisdom to face life, for that is what us living must do.  Live. Wallahualam bissawab

Re: How do you cope?
Saleema
09/27/01 at 13:18:58
[slm] Serena, I don't have a lot of time on my hands right now so please forgive me, plus my arm is hurting. If you do not have some sort of a letter that talks about her conversion, then this message board may be a proof. She told us on here that she converted. You might want to check into that? Talk to a lawyer and your local Muslim leaders, I'm sure they would be able to guide you. Good advise from Soleha.

Re: How do you cope?
humble_muslim
09/27/01 at 13:51:05
AA Sister Serena, I just read about your sister.  I am very sorry to hear about your tragic loss.  I pray that Allah SWT gives you the courage and patience to bear with it, and rewards you for your patience in this world and the hereafter for all you have gone through.  I pray that Allah SWT grants Sister Cindy the highest level of Jannah, and that he makes all her suffering a expiation for any sins she may have committed after accepting Islam. I can answer your question as to what good deeds you can do in her name.  The Prophet SAW specifically mentioned two things : charity, and Hajj and Umrah.  If you ever get the chance to go for Hajj and Umrah, try doing it for her (after doing it first for yourself). And of course, keep making dua for her for the rest of your life.
NS

Re: How do you cope?
bhaloo
09/27/01 at 14:17:28
slm Did she have a will prepared?  The ISNA website has one that people can download, and after filling it out, it insha'Allah will be legally recognized.  I think this is something important that we all should fill out, many of us live in areas surrounded by non-Muslims who are not familiar at all with Islam.

Re: How do you cope?
Merimda
09/27/01 at 23:43:50
Asslamu Alaikum Sr. Serena, I found this fatwa that will answer one of your questions insha-Allah http://www.islam-online.net/fatwa/english/FatwaDisplay.asp?hFatwaID=37511 Unforunately I cannot answer all your questions but I can offer one little piece of advice..just keep this sura in mind and hopefully it will ease your heart, insha-Allah. Surah 94 Ash-Sharh (Solace) Did we not expand for you, your breast? And we removed from you your burden? Which had weighed upon your back And raised high for you your repute. For indeed with hardship (will be) ease Indeed, with hardship (will be) ease So when you have finished (your duties) then stand up (for worship). And to your Lord direct (your) longing.                             ~~**~~ Also keep in mind that Allah is understanding and is the all Merciful. He will not hold you accountable for what is beyond your capacity. I hope I have helped in some way insha-Allah. Salam, merimda

Re: How do you cope?
ahmer
09/27/01 at 23:55:21
slm really it's heartbreaking to just imagine you in this traumatic times, but insha'Allah it will make me and all of us here pray for you and your strength. Insha'Allah i can help you with all your questions, by putting these questions to a scholar visiting the area. He is an excellent person for such questions. Insha'Allah i will respond with his answers by tomorrow. Insha'Allah Just try to cope with your grief in the light of Allah's words from Surah Baqarah Be sure we shall test you with something of fear and hunger, some loss in goods or lives or the fruits (of your toil), but give glad tidings to those who patiently persevere, Who say, when afflicted with calamity: "To Allah We belong, and to Him is our return":- They are those on whom (Descend) blessings from Allah, and Mercy, and they are the ones that receive guidance. Allah tests, but also promises glad tidings to those who show patience. Just hang in there, and everything good or bad comes from Allah. Insha'Allah we will be praying for you from nj and you will have strength and Allah will help you in every situation !! i will be back with the answers tomorrow insha'Allah wlm ahmer

Re: How do you cope?
ahmer
09/28/01 at 14:01:16
slm May Allah forgive me! I have retracted my comments earlier posted on this thread. It totally gave the impression contrary to what i wanted to say Jazaka'Allah to Br AbuKhalid who continues to correct me by good nasiha! I went to Shaykh Islahi and sought his comments over this. He gave me some answers and posted it as a gist of his talk. He will give me a detailed reply insha'Alah and then i will post it. I really apologize to whoever read and made an impression!! jazaka'Allah Khair wlm ahmer

Re: How do you cope?
se7en
09/29/01 at 03:46:22
wa alaykum as salaam wa rahmatAllahi wa barakatuh, Serena, I've been trying for a while now to compose a response to the news you posted about Cindy.  It just seems like any words I come up with are empty and inadequate.  I just pray that Allah grants you beautiful sabr and a lot of strength in this difficult time. [quote]Since my Sister’s accident my “family” considers Islam a curse[/quote] I do not mean to make light of the troubles you have faced, or this most recent tragedy, but you mentioning this just reminded me of some ahadeeth:   "Whenever Allah wants good for a person, He subjects him to adversity." "A muslim is not afflicted by hardship, sickness, sadness, worry, harm, or depression - even if pricked by a thorn, but Allah forgives his sins because of that." "One is afflicted (with difficulties and tests) in accordance with his deen. If his deen is firm, his affliction is made harder, and if his deen is weak, his affliction is made lighter. A believer continues to be subjected to adversity until he walks on the surface of the earth without a sin." All I know is, a Mu'min [one who truly possesses faith] has *the* most challenging life, with the most difficulties, trials, and tribulations.  It's a sign of Allah's love for you - because He only tests, and through that purifies, those that He loves.   But He would *never* place a burden or hardship on you that you could not handle.  He knows the pain and grief you are going through.. He knows the feeling of misery and despair you feel, He knows the frustration and confusion you are wrestling with.. and He will reward you and purify you for everything you are going through.  Struggling to show sabr in this time means that He will bless you, guide you, purify you, and grant you His mercy. [quote]Although I will try for the rest of my days to fulfill that promise, I’m wondering if I should make tawba to Allah ta’ala for making it? I made it with good intentions, yet now I don’t know if I can keep it.:([/quote] There is no reason for you to make tawba for a promise you are striving to fulfill.  Tawba is for when you consciously, intentionally break a promise.  I don’t think that’s the case here. [quote]Will having her service and being buried in a Catholic cemetery cause any harm to her in the Hereafter? Will it cause her to suffer? [/quote] If it’s not possible for her to be buried in a Muslim graveyard because her family has made it impossible, or because she didn't know about writing that in her will, then no.  She will not suffer or be punished for what she has no control over or what she didn't know. [quote]Am I able to attend if I don’t pray along side them? [/quote] I don’t know. [quote]What am I allowed to do in this type of situation? [/quote] You can make dua’ for her.  Here is one that I found beautiful: [i]Allahumma anta Rabbuha, wa ant khalaqtaha, wa ant razaqtaha, wa anta hadaytaha lil Islam, wa anta qabadatta roohaHa, wa anta alamu bisirriha wa ‘alaniyateeha.  Ji’naa shuf’a al-laHa fa-ghfirlaha dhanbaha.[/i] O Allah, You are her Sustainer, You are her Creator, You provided her with sustenance, guided her to Islam, caused her to die, and You best know her secret and public life.  We plead with you on her behalf to forgive her sins.   Ameen. [quote]If I do something good in this world, can I ask Allah ta’ala to grant my reward to her? [/quote] Yes.  Giving in charity and recitation of the Qur’an are just two of the many things you can do with the intention that the reward from it be sent upon her. [quote]My sister was “clean as a baby” – wallahu a’lam – so why would she have to suffer in such a way before He (awj) took her back? [/quote] This made me think of a discussion we had before.. on why Allah would allow babies and children to suffer (there’s sort of a parallel there, I think.)  You can read that discussion [url=http://www.jannah.org/cgi-bin/yabb/YaBB.pl/YaBB.pl?board=madrasa&action=display&num=4384]here[/url]. [quote]I am clearly unwelcome over here at her house, because my family is nearby, so is it obligatory for me to stay here during my grieving process or can I return back home? [/quote] I don't think this is obligatory upon you, wAllahu a'lam. [quote]Is there justification for having these feelings? I feel – wallahu a’lam – that I did what I could, and tried to give her as much da’wah as possible, but what if I didn’t do all I should have? Is this a sin on me?[/quote] I think Sister Merimda summed this up beautifully: [i]...keep in mind that Allah is understanding and is the all Merciful. He will not hold you accountable for what is beyond your capacity. [/i]   If you truly did your best, then there is no reason, *at all*, for you to feel guilty.   We live one life here - day merges into night and night merges into day in a continuous forward motion of time.. we can't go back and change things.  There's no benefit that comes from dwelling on something you cannot change.  It'll just hurt and haunt you. [quote]what's happening to her right now? Did the Angel of Death come and take her soul? Is she being questioned right now? How does Islam view "the body" after the soul is removed? Does the soul return to the body in the grave? Is it scary or peaceful? Does she feel a loss at leaving her loved ones behind? Did she feel anything?[/quote] Sr. Huma Ahmad wrote an article called "[url=http://www.jannah.org/articles/souljourn.html]The Journey[/url]" that might be able to answer some of these questions.  The books “The Soul’s Journey after Death” by Layla Mabrouk and “Death and Dying” by Ahmad Sakr might also be of help. I pray that Allah grants you healing, patience, perserverance and comfort in this time.  You and your sister are in my dua’s. I hope I helped in some way, inshaAllah. wAllahu a’lam. wasalaamu alaykum wa rahmatAllah.

Re: How do you cope?
Serena
10/02/01 at 01:11:12
Dearest Brothers and Sisters in Islam, Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu. I pray you are all in the best of iman. Ameen. Jazakallah Khair Sisters Solehah, Saleema, Merimda, Se7en, and Brothers Bhaloo, Humble_Muslim and Ahmer for your advice. (That goes for all the Instant Messengers and Emailers also) At this point words can’t even express my feelings, for all of your support. Alhamdulillah we have such an amazing online community here at the Madina. :) [quote] From all that you have told us below, I think your urgent and immediate need is to seek counselling for your grief. [/quote] I agree wholeheartedly that grief counseling is important. Great advice.  I have attended it twice before, once with the loss of my Grandmother and then again with the loss of my son. Alhamdulillah, I understand the grieving process and what steps must be taken so that the guilt, etc. does not become so overwhelming that you can’t function. I don’t feel as if I am losing it or anything. It just seems like these past few months since my Sister first introduced herself to the board we have been through *so* much together, as many of the long-term members can attest to. (And that’s what they know about!) I just feel a tremendous loss and that my main supporter is no longer with me. The initial impact of the tragedy is now passing though, now that she has been buried and I’m just working towards moving on. It’s very difficult, but I have patience to endure this hardship also. For those of you who have posted about Cindy’s funeral...well, Alhamdulillah, that she has now been buried. It wasn’t done Islamically as I had desired but it was still beautiful. I had a chance to speak about her and recite some du’as. May Allah ta’ala forgive her and grant her Jannah. Ameen. Sister Se7en: Thank you for the link of Sister Huma’s Article, “The Journey”. I haven’t had a chance to read through it thoroughly, but insha’Allah this week. I skimmed through it briefly and I believe it will answer *many* of the questions I have. :) [quote] We live one life here – day merges into night and night merges into day in a continuous forward motion of time.. we can’t go back and change things. There’s no benefit that comes from dwelling on something you cannot change. It’ll just hurt and haunt you. [/quote] Masha’Allah, great advice Sister! May Allah ta’ala bless and reward each and every one of you for your advice, guidance and du’as. The efforts that you have shown, to help me, is overwhelming. I’ll keep you in my du’as. :) Please forgive me if I left out anything as I am feverish tonight. I didn’t forget about all the Instant Messages or Emails either. Insha’Allah I will respond to them *very* soon. Wa’assalam, Serena
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