Advice? [relationship with sikh]

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Advice? [relationship with sikh]
Anonymous
10/07/01 at 15:39:03

Asalamu alaikum,

I have recently got close to a guy that is not muslim (hes sikh)and
finding it hard stop being in contact with him because i dont want to hurt
him, nor be hurt in the process. At the moment we are just at the
beginning of a relationship, and I am just looking for some advice on how to
stop doing what im doing without hurting him. We have discussed
religion and he doesnt think it is an important issue, but i think i am at a
stage in my life where I could get deeper into Islam or stray
completley. I really like him, but at the same time, I also know Islam is
important. All advice/comments welcome. Jazakallah Wasalam
Re: Advice? [relationship with sikh]
BroHanif
10/07/01 at 18:14:44
[url]http://www.jannah.org/cgi-bin/yabb/YaBB.pl/YaBB.pl?board=madrasa&action=display&num=3070[/url]

Theres some good advice there sister. Follow that link.

But above all, how can a relationship grow if the very food of that relationship is our nafs and our number one enemy Shaytaan.
Shaytaan wants u to have this realtionship, he dosen't want you to succeed nor does he want u to enjoy jannah.

We all face trials and tribulations and at times they feel quite hard, but insha-allh since you already have made a sound decision that you want to strive further for Islam then how can anyone get hurt. True, there are feelings of despair but is it worth it ? Just think what if u die together in that state, Allah forbid.
There was an incident at uni once where there were two muslim guys with two non muslim girs, they sadly had a car crash and they all perished together in that state. Quite sad and tragic isn't it ?.

And I'm sure at this moment you like him and perhaps feel that there is none other like him but really you will find someone better because for a start insha-allah that person will be muslim and what can be better than that.? If your current partner stays as a non muslim you can't even marry him Islamically, and lets say you have kids what religion would they be on ?

If he accepts Islam for Allah then maybe that is a right step forward but since his not interested in religion how can you progress.

Also, have you thought about your parents how they would feel ? If they found out that your marrying a non muslim ?

All the best

Hanif
Re: Advice? [relationship with sikh]
flyboy_nz
10/08/01 at 18:00:15
Salaam Sis,

I have to admit, I tried writing a response to this...but got worried that perhaps you might read into it the wrong way and I removed it.  I had hoped someone else would give you advice, but then I realised 'no wait a minute, I'm her brother, I'm meant to be there for her if she asks for help'...so here it goes.

I've been in a similar situation as you in the past.  Relationships are just so highly charged with emotions that they tend to blind you from reality and the big picture...that was the case for me Sis.  Alhamdulillah I was able to get out of that relationship and it was as if I had freed myself and lifted the veil from my eyes and was able to see the truth again.

I'm so happy to hear that it is only the beginning of the relationship. The deeper you go, the more emotionally attached you become and the more blind you are to anything else...you alluded to that when you said: "but i think i am at a
stage in my life where I could get deeper into Islam or stray
completley."

Perhaps you should take a step back and contemplate what you really want...pray and make dua to Allah to help you and guide you in this situation.  Once your mind is focussed on what you want then act.

I guess the best way to remove yourself from a source of harm is to move away from it and keep away from it.  If you end a relationship, the hardest thing is staying away afterwards and you'll need to make sure that there is no friendship or anything with the guy afterwards otherwise...well I'm sure you know the problems with that scenario.

I wish you all the best Sis.  I made dua for you last night and will do again today.:)

wasalaam,
Ahmed
Re: Advice? [relationship with sikh]
amatullah
10/09/01 at 08:22:09
Bismillah and salam,

"At the moment we are just at the
beginning of a relationship, and I am just looking for some advice on how to
stop doing what im doing without hurting him"

Alhemdulilah sister this is good. He probably won't be as hurt as you imagine if it is only the beginning of a relationship, where the feelings have still not deepened to an intense emotional bond, or that the relationship has gotten intimate on other levels.

I am glad alhemdulilah that you have made a decision to leave just trying to right way to do ti. But even though it is nice of you to think of others feelings, it is more important to think of what the one who created both of you might think of all this. So even if you suspect he might be hurt, or you haven't figured it out the "ideal" way to do it, hurry and do it while things are where they are. I think it is ok to feel selfish here..Care more about save yourself
from hellfires. Even the aya says "qu anfusakum wa ahleekum, naran waqooduha annasu wal7ijara" yourselves are a priority when it comes to saving yourself from hellfire, then those who are close to you.
Do it now while you have the courage and the strength and the sound mind.

Shaytan will come in and make it seem hard, impolite, or too much of a good thing to leave. So be strong and do it before he clouds your vision.

Remember that whomever leaves something for the sake of Allah, which Allah is against, Allah will reward him with that thing in halal or something even better. That is a hadeeth saheeh i believe, insha'Allah someone can find it or i will try insha'Allah later.

If this man is not helping you grow spiritually, then sooner or later you will feel stunted in the relationship, and want to try a different way. Think about what you could lose by then.

May Allah give us all hidaya and make us steadfast in the right path
Re: Advice? [relationship with sikh]
Anik
10/09/01 at 17:15:50
asalaamu alaikum,


on a geneal outlook (and quite personally)

I was in a sitiuation like this... only, i was onthe other side that most people on this board wouldn;t be able to relate...

I once belonged to the hindu faith, which is the source-religion of Sikhism, and was basically in the guy's position...

My advice is to stay firm to the fact that you ARE muslim... don't think that if u don't practice, it's okay to compromise it your witness to Islam... (ie. somne ppl feel, well i don' practice anyways, why not just drop it completely?- that is wrong!!!)

(in other words, hang on to whatever you have in you)... learn for yourself a little more about Islam, go deeper, give yourself
a special personal reason as to why Islam is the path you choose to live by, and why you worship the One True God, Allah SWT. Guard your modesty, if you already do... guard your  salaat, if u don't pray,then start now! and at least, at least, guard your belief in Allah and His Messenger...

See, it's tough to say about your situation cause we don't know how into Islam you are... I could plt you with pressure to just become religious, but I think youknow that already... what I am saying is, befor eyou grow, cement your feet to the ground first...

You need to at least know within yourself that you have that core faith (again,don't judg this on how you practice, but what your heart tells you)

ask yourself questions: re-evaluate Islam or you, show yourself how real Alah SWT is, and how real Islam is.. none o us a perfect, but when we beleive we fear, and fear of Allah Subhana helps us follow Islam...

Then, if you know that Islam is right, Insha'Allah you will and it is, think about how you would be crossingth eTruth, and then, your family if you left Islam to marry and get involved with a Sikh...

Honestly, when you talk to him and if asks about things such as marying him, don't be afraid to put it on your parents... "My parents would never accept that", if you are not strong enough to assert it religiously and from an Islaimic viwpoint, trust me, sometimes the world around you can be an anchor when you are unsure... later IA you will see how u protected your Islam not by asserting Islam itself (which is the strongest defense to waywardness), but by seein how it was applied to the duniya (ie. family).

Give him books... ask him to be interested... tell him to visit a mosque...



ESTABLISH straight up: Will you accept Islam?  That is the only way I will be married...

LAY it down on the line bfore you desires change your mind... Let thatutlimatum hold you inplace as well if you feel you are weak (and a lot of peopl will disagree with me here)

Seeing your staunchness, he will IA try to learn more about Islam... and inthe process, IA he wil ldiscover something IA...

now a lot of people will say that reverting for marriage is wrong... yes it is, but sometimes, it's that resolve that opens you up to the truth, sometimes, the revert doesn't want his sacrifce of his old religionto go in vain, he studies Islam with an open heart, and then, BAM! like an epiphany the truth strikes his heart...

and then he can change IA not for you, but because he realizes what Islam is IA...

It hapened that way for me, Allhumdulillah.

But be firm in that... your MUSLIM status... if he doesn't care about religion, then there is an imbalance right away, and watch out for face-value attraction...

It's tough to say.. wat are your wishes? marriage? look at your plans...

Next thing: I don't mean to insult you, but don't go too far with him if you haven't already (cause we all know how these things go (stop where you are!!!)... I don't know your lifestyle or your level of peity, but if changing suddenly for you is too tough, do it slowly..

don't do other things that bog down your imaan and Islam.. clean up around you and this can clean up as well,

Ask yourself about what you want as well. Try to talk about Islam together...

Last but foremost, and astag'ferlah I left this out when I first composed his and went back to change it (see what the duniya can engros you in?)

make dua... talk to Allah Subhana... remember He is Higher than you and me... He knows... pray istikhara if you can to decide a course o actions... bring all your problems to Him each night, on your way to school/work, while you eat...

keep Allah Subhana in your thoughts and He wil Insha'Allah influence yours... stand up for your Islam

You are a muslimah; you are blessed and have been given mercy out of SO many other lost and confused people in this world

don't throw it away...

if he values you (not that I am condoning this) he will at least pay attention ot your concerns.

again, MSG me if u want to ask anything ele(i don't know everything, just a little!) aalaamu alaikum. abdullah,.


p.s. I wonder if I really told you anything you didn't already figure...
Re: Advice? [relationship with sikh]
Anonymous
10/10/01 at 01:42:44
Asalaamu alaikum
(It's me...again!)
First of all, Jazakallah for the replies.  Since writing in, I have
been thinking a lot about the situation.  I don't know how to explain this
properly, but it just seems that the more I think about it, the closer
I feel to him.  At present the relationship is very intense, but only
over the phone.  I have only met him twice and as they say 'nothing
happened'.  We care a lot for each other and I just can't bring myself to
hurt him.  His personality is much better than some of the Muslim guys
that I know...at times it just seems so unfair.
Is this something I should discuss with him or should I just cut him
off completely with no explanation?  As someone once said to me 'Never
give up hope'.
Wasalaam
Re: Advice? [relationship with sikh]
NewJehad
10/10/01 at 13:44:22
slm

 Before I say any thing I will tell you an incident to explain to you the way shatan works. During the time after hazret essa pbh but before Mohummed pbh there were 3 brothers, they were going off on Jihad so left their sister in the charge of a monk. The monk each day would bring food to the girls door then leave.
Then shatan started wispering to him, shatan told him, "you are really cruel, leaving the food out side, why don't you take it in to her". So he started to do it, then shatan told him "why don't you talk to her", then he did that, until he started falling in love with her and raped her.
She became pregnant, when she gave birth,"shatan told him to kill the baby, cause when her brothers come back they will kill both the monk and the girl", so he did.
Then shatan told him that he should kill the girl too cause she is feeling very upset at the loss of her baby and might tell her brothers. He killed her and buried her far away, shatan made shore a part of her clothing stuck out from the ground.
When the brothers came back he told them she had died and told them a different location for where her grave was. Allah allowed shatan to show them in a dream the real location, they went there and found the grave of the mother and baby. They came back to the monk and tortured him until he confessed. Then he was taken to be killed. All the people started hitting him and all the other monks with their shoes. When he was taken to be executed shaton told him,"you believe in Allah and he has not helped you, bow to me and I will help you" so he did and was killed a disbeliever.

Shatan does not tell you an action is evil if he wants you to do it, else you will never do it. He makes it look good to you and the alternative look bad. Just do what our religions teaches us and don't care about the feelings of created beings above our obedience to our creator.

Just tell him the truth, why you don't want to talk to him any more. If he has a problem with that, then he can go to hell having a problem with that. As your love for Allah has to come before your lust for humans. Love is just a feeling, we might love things that are bad, we might not. We have no control over this. What we can control is the actions we do inspite of our feelings. Only animals do every thing their feelings tell them to. We are not animals.
Re: Advice? [relationship with sikh]
se7en
10/11/01 at 15:55:02
wa alaykum as salaam wa rahmatAllah,

Good advice guys :)

Anonymous,

I know people who get into crazy intense relationship over email, or even instant messenger.  Your relationship isn't any less intense because you communicate mostly by phone.  There are emotions involved, shared thoughts and mutual feelings.  

Something really beautiful I heard the other day was an explanation someone gave for how people can commit these awful, violent, actions.  And the way he explained it was this - it starts from something inside.  It's the state of your heart.  If you are not at peace on the inside, if there is violence inside of you, it will become manifest in the actions you commit and the words you speak.

I was thinking about this, and maaaaan is this a deep statement or what?  It's true not just for violent action, but for *all* of our actions eh?  

I started thinking about someone I know who got into a real shady relationship, fell into a lot of things she didn't even think herself capable of a few months prior.  With her, it wasn't just hormones or physical reaction that got this thing kick started.  It was the thoughts and feelings that started to grow and develop inside of her, that *eventually*, *inevitably* manifest themselves into outward behavior that is wrong.

And I was just thinking about this in terms of Islam.  Look at how beautiful Islam is, how its laws are so fitting to human nature.  What it seeks to do through the rules between men and women is prevent those feelings from happening *before* they turn into something bigger.  

I don't know if this is making any sense.. but for me it was like satori man :)

Anyway, my advice to you Anonymous is to think about *why* Allah has made these rules for us.  Are they arbitrarily chosen?  Or are they there to keep us in a certain state of heart and mind?  How far have you moved away from these things?  Why have you allowed that to happen?    

I think if you really sit down and do that, you'll learn *a lot* about yourself.  About how much you really know about Islam, about how much you need to learn more about to make sure your faith is rock solid.  Because if you really, truly beleive that Islam is right, that all its laws exist to look out for what is best for you and what is good -- you'll realize how crazy it is to be in a relationship that Islam says is wrong.  

What do you think?  I really hope this makes sense :)

Also, yeah, perhaps you will hurt this guy if you put an end to this relationship.  But since when is a guy more important than your own happiness and what's best for you?  It's not even really about this guy being sikh.  It's about being involved in something that's not right.  Yeah, you care about him a lot, he treats you well -- but if you give him up, for the sake of Allah, because you know it's wrong, and even thought its hard you *do* it, because you want to do what's right -- do you think Allah is not going to reward you that?  Is not going to hook you up with something better?

I don't mean to be careless with your feelings for this guy - but it just reminds me of this:

"If you give up something for Allah, He will replace it with something better."


I hope this has been some sort of help inshaAllah :)

May Allah guide you to make the best decisions.

wAllahu a'lam.

wasalaamu alaykum.

ps - Tell him!  No need to be harsh, but be straight up.  


Re: Advice? [relationship with sikh]
BroHanif
10/11/01 at 18:26:51
[quote]We care a lot for each other and I just can't bring myself to
hurt him. [/quote]. If you care about each other invite him to Islam. Do you wanna see him or anyone else burn in the fire of hell, no way hozay. Islam first.
If he dosent accept Islam then its in your best interest and his that you go separate ways. Even if he does accept Islam it doesnt mean u can now chill with him.

[quote] His personality is much better than some of the Muslim guys
that I know...at times it just seems so unfair.[/quote]

Some guys at uni are rights jerks, I've been there they think there some sort of hero's. I know where your coming from and I'm a bro. Some guys thing by doing weights, putting on expensive cologne and looking slick, always wearing Armanian and having a comb in the front pocket is kewl. Others man, you would think that there some sort of Indian/Pakistani actors, the way they carry on, with their white suits. Some guys talk as if they know the score(i.e everything) whereas they  know little if not nothing.

But, there is a big difference between a muslim and a non muslim, one will insha-allah go to Jannah one day, the other, sadly, eternal destination, hell fire.

What you need in a bro is yes his gotta be understanding, sensative and above all fun to be with. But hey sis where r these Bro's ? certainly not in the environment where there is fitnah.

Seriously speaking if you find a bro who is Islamic or you ask your parents for a Islamic hero then make sincere dua to Allah, then you will get an Islamic bro, insha-allah.

Because that Bro who is Islamic will also know that to spend time with his wife is a worship of Allah, to go for walks, cook her dinner, talk to her and being nice with her is worship of Allah.
By serving you, his making Allah happy. By making Allah happy you will build a better future for yourself in the hereafter. Your kids will be pious insha-allah and above all you'll be happy in that relationship.

You don't want half the cake, you want the full chocolate cake and that is only with an Islamic Bro. The sikh guy can no way afford to give you the above, the muslim bro would be more than eager to give it to you coz its ibadah. :)

Islam my dear sister, is not a religion its a way of life. All the acts we do by coming here, by going to sleep, by eating, walking its all ibadah. There is no other religion in the world that offers what Islam offers, that is peace of mind and success in this life and the next.

[quote]I know people who get into crazy intense relationship over email, or even instant messenger.  [/quote]

WHooooaaa Man, Hold onto your hats there... You know people like this...!!! I heard about this the other day where this Grandfather assaulted a young girl. Man its a crazy world out there.
Re: Advice? [relationship with sikh]
flyboy_nz
10/11/01 at 17:58:14
[slm]

"You don't want half the cake you want the full chocolate cake and that is only with an Islamic Bro."  Jazak Allahu khairan Bro Hanif for standing up for the brothers :)

The sister (Anonymous) is right...there are so many 'muslim' guys (even down under in NZ) that are pretty low-down and I wouldn't want my own sister anywhere near them....maaan I really worry for her sometimes, like "how is she gonna get a good husband if these fellas are representative of the guys around?"  

but these guys obviously have their priorities messed up..they're more interested in skirt-chasing than salaat so by the very definition of Muslim, they are not.  But still there are good Muslim bros out there.... i pray next to them for Zuhr every weekday:)  these are guys where love of Allah comes first and foremost...so the good guys are out there sis and they are the full-on "chocolate cake"

Patience, coz "it won't happen overnight, but it *will* happen", inshaAllah. and hey my sister has recently been introduced to someone who I'd consider a 'good guy':D

wasalaam,
Ahmed
Re: Advice? [relationship with sikh]
Khathija
10/11/01 at 18:23:31
[slm]
    One thing I want to say is something my teacher and Imam always says, and that is if we give up something for the sake of Allah swt, then He in return will give us something far better than that. How beautiful and awesome is this? Subhanallah, it's amazing how ture it is too. It's so easy to do something wrong beacuse we are human, but stuggrling to stay away has a far sweeter reward. It will be hard at first, but the first thing you should do is explain to him you situation, inshAllah he will understand and respect that. Then do everything possible to distance yourself from him.  Try to hang out with Muslim sisters from you community. Get invovled in other actvities too. This will help you get closer to Islam and it will keep your mind off of him. Inshallah this will only help you and not hurt you. Take care :).
Re: Advice? [relationship with sikh]
JustMe
10/17/01 at 03:28:16
Assalaams Sis 'Anon', :-)

You said:  "I really like him, but at the same time, I also know Islam is important"


My opinion is:  That you can't have both.  It has to be one or the other.  You just just cannot have both.  You have to remember he's Sikh ...not Muslim.  That should tell you something.  He doesn't know about ALlah. the oneness and infiniteness of His being.  He hasn't been taught about the hereafter.  about Jihad(inward struggle).  He has no clue about the heavens, the angels, the books, the Jinns.  He does not have Aqeedah (Islamic character).  he doesn't know the little things either mentioned like eating with your right hand, and cleanliness.  His own religion if he cares about it or not is at odds with Islam since Islam is not a fabricated religion like Sikhism.  What I'm suggesting like BroHaniff mentioned too is that Islam is You and who you are the total being the complete package.  When escorted by a Sikh you'll find yourself truly out there like a ship without an anchor.  
I hope some of these analogies can help you imagine your decisions more clearly, because in the end it is your decision and you are fully entitled to that.  Allah(S) I believe gives us more choices when we follow his path that's why I'm suggesting you to dump this guy because (and not because he's nice- he may very well be a gem) he would respect your religious beliefs by staying apart.  but then if you think its best to talk with him about all the things that bond you two then that's heading in the wrong direction as stated by Islam.  
Lastly, a female muslim friend of mine fell in love with a Hindu guy while I was in another country.  The guy had all the genuine qualities of a decent guy *plus* having the best car and the most lucrative profession and the best education from the most prestigious university and in a month she had to dump him cause she worried about what her mom would say.  She explained to me how "UNFAIR" the whole experience was.  and in the process she crushed my feelings- a perfectly decent *Muslim* guy.  

Take care, write me
Maaz
Re: Advice? [relationship with sikh]
Barr
10/17/01 at 05:39:40
Bismillah
Assalamu'alaikum :-)

Dear sister,

I can feel how hard this must've been for you, ukhti. Though I have not experienced the exact identical route as you have, but Allah has put me in a similar path, mashaAllah.

As with all tests that Allah has given us, this may seem to be the hardest of all, for it involves the matters of the heart. And sometimes, it is always difficult to give up what the heart holds dear.

Perhaps... in this case, it is between this man and Islam. Perhaps, this is a way where we are to know ourselves, who we place at a higher pedestal in the depths of our hearts. And no, it is never easy to give up, when we have deep feelings for someone. But ukhti, this is a choice that you have to make.

Alhamdulillah, there are good advice given in this thread, but the strength and patience for us to make the right choice, comes from us, with the help of Allah Al Wadud (the Most Loving).

Perhaps, if we take time to ponder about the love that we have to sacrifice for the Greater Love, and the beautiful ayahs and hadiths that other brothers and sisters posted here... maybe, it will give some strength in us, inshaAllah.

Sister, please remember that Allah would never forsake us. The pain that we feel will purify us further, and help us understand ourselves and Allah better, inshaAllah.

As suggested earlier, do take some time out.... You might like to spend some time alone to think things through, just you and Allah. Find solace during this time, read the Qur'an, and be with people who reminds you of Allah. And pray too, that Allah would give him guidance, strength and patience as well, for he may be going through a hard time too.

I really hope you'll find peace, strength and patience, during this time. And let us not be clouded with emotions that are from the whispers, that may not be from the One who truly Guides. We have to be objective too, for the process to a blessed goal, has to be pure and blessed too.

[quote]As someone once said to me 'Never give up hope'. [/quote]

Yes, we should never lose hope... we should never lose hope in Allah and that Allah will give each and everyone the best, and that He is the Most Just.

Let Allah choose the person who is the best of us, sister... for He knows, and we do not.

Here's a hadith that I found solace with, that I'd like to share...

[color=blue][center]"Remember Allah in times of ease, and He will recognise you in times of distress.
What hit you could not have missed you,
what missed you could not have hit you.
Remember that victory comes with patience,
relief comes with affliction and ease comes with hardship"[/color][/center]

Take care
Allahua'lam :-)
:::Barr:::

"Ya Allah, do not let us determine our own fate, even for a blink of an eye, or for a time shorter than that."
A excerpt from a du'a in Al Mathurat

Re: Advice? [relationship with sikh]
se7en
10/18/01 at 18:39:40
as salaamu alaykum wa rahmatAllah,

Barr, that was a beautiful post, mashaAllah :)

[url=http://www.jannah.org/cgi-bin/yabb/YaBB.pl/YaBB.pl?board=madrasa&action=display&num=3823]Here[/url] is another thread where we talked about making a relationship "halal".


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