Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| marriage preparation. |
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| majzoob |
| 10/18/01 at 11:36:28 |
| AsalaamAlekum Right... So if YOU had to give a brother one piece of detailed advice before he gets married what would it be...? MC |
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| Hania |
| 10/18/01 at 12:40:24 |
[quote]AsalaamAlekum Right... So if YOU had to give a brother one piece of detailed advice before he gets married what would it be...? MC [/quote] Learn to cook and wash your OWN underpants. Try and be considerate and pay attention to your wife. Talk to her and appreciate her. I think thats one thing I see many married women complain about, husbands that don't include them in their activities or who take them for granted. Women love to feel appeciated, so regular comments like you look beautiful, you're wonderful, remeberence of anniversries etc will keep a woman happy. Hania. |
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| Kashif |
| 10/18/01 at 13:48:42 |
| assalaamu alaikum I don't intend with my comment to make some kind of broad generalisation about sisters and their behaviour. Because i know all the sisters are cool. My advice would be learn how to be patient, and learn to stay silent during an argument. Kashif Wa Salaam |
| NS |
| whoa.. |
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| princess |
| 10/18/01 at 14:08:48 |
| walikumas'salaam warahmatullah ;-D [quote]Women love to feel appeciated[/quote] i'm going to 2nd that :) i think sometimes boys forget the reason why they married this certain lady..:) not in anyway am i saying that girls r better..but i think *sometimes* they r better @ being more appreciative :) i agree with kashif's advice as well :) 1 can't EVER have enough sab'r :) so, r u gettin married..? :) just wondering :) feamanAllah ;-D |
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| Kathy |
| 10/18/01 at 16:22:59 |
| slm Allah swt is giving you a gift. Treat her as you would a precious gift from Allah swt. |
| NS |
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| flyboy_nz |
| 10/18/01 at 17:06:15 |
| [slm] okay this is my two cents worth: Women are complicated and men are simple,they are indications that we were created that way. I recently got the interpretation of the hadeeth about desire and shyness each created in ten parts (jazak Allahu khairan sister se7en) and nine parts of each were given to women and one part of each was given to men. The way *I* understand this is women were simply created more complex emotionally, whereas men are relatively emotionally simple... this may explain why many of our sisters have the brilliant ability to multi-task and be able to coherently think of more than one thing at a time whereas us brothers can only think of one thing at a time.... i know this is a generalisation and I'm sorry if i offend anyone. So i guess us brothers should understand that our sisters are more emotionally complex...that could be good and sometimes it could be bad but we need to treat them like delicate glass- handle with care Similarly the sisters should understand that their brothers just aren't on the same emotional platform...i mean you don't hear us complaining about being unappreciated and not getting regular comments of how handsome we are. The sensitive new age guy is a myth, it goes against our very nature....but thats not to say we shouldn't try :) wallahu a'lam wasalaam, Ahmed |
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| Hania |
| 10/18/01 at 18:30:08 |
| [quote] Similarly the sisters should understand that their brothers just aren't on the same emotional platform...i mean you don't hear us complaining about being unappreciated and not getting regular comments of how handsome we are. The sensitive new age guy is a myth, it goes against our very nature....but thats not to say we shouldn't try :) wallahu a'lam [/quote] Salam Yah, I'd agree here. But men do get in an emotional strop if their dinner isn't laid out on the table on time or if their shirts haven't been ironed for them. :) But one thing I think most men react to is this need to feel like the one who makes the important decisons in the house. Men have this need to feel like the breadwinner and overall decion maker in the home. I think most men feel threatened by wives who are more successful then them career wise, and who are able to make important decisions. A clever wife is one that pretends to go along with everything her husband says and who thinks any decison her husband makes is far better than hers ;) |
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| Arsalan |
| 10/18/01 at 19:38:45 |
| [slm] [i]Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.[/i] Good book, from what I've heard (from a reliable friend). One you should finish reading before getting married. Ruqayyah Waris Maqsood has also authored some good books on Marriage in Islam. You may want to check some out for general advice. I would say that you as the husband have to become the example for the people in your household (wife and children). Teach by example. Learn your Deen, and encourage your family to learn it. Practice your Deen, and encourage them to practice it. Never impose things, and be patient. Somebody just posted a good article by Abdullah Adhami in the Ikhwan Health Club titled "W i f e." Check it out. Wassalamu alaikum. |
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| majzoob |
| 10/19/01 at 04:41:03 |
[quote]AsalaamAlekum Right... So if YOU had to give a brother one piece of detailed advice before he gets married what would it be...?? [/quote] Hey JazakAllahKhair!! this is great excellent stuff so far!! any more views opiniopns advice on this matter- bring it on!! ... :) ??? +++ If you've got the time please tell us what u think?... *generally what makes women angry :( ??? *generally what makes women really really happy and forget about being angry/upset :) ??? * ++ any marriage related etc hadiths...??? Yeah for you guys that are wonderin - yes Alhumdulilah - Im inshaAllah getting married after Ramadan. :) and im alhumdulilah so very happy - AllahoAckbar - may peace and blessings rain down on all the muslim brothers and sisters across the world throughout all time-Ameen. :) MC. |
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| eleanor |
| 10/19/01 at 05:09:33 |
| slm the one biggest piece of advice is Patience, patience and more patience. A hadith from RasulAllah states that women are like a rib. If you try to straighten them they break. [quote] *generally what makes women angry :( ??? *generally what makes women really really happy and forget about being angry/upset :) ??? * ++ any marriage related etc hadiths...??? [/quote] Angry: when they feel like their husbands aren't interested in hearing what they have to say..what is of absolutely no importance or of no interest to you may be the most exciting thing that happened to her that day. So please please always listen to her. Happy and forget about being upset? : Apologise..a simple "I'm sorry I was a bit distracted but now I'd really like to hear about it" and maybe a promise of going out to eat or of buying something nice next time you go shopping. there's a couple of nice threads in the mens' folder on wives and marriage. Maybe you could take a look in there if you haven't done so already. The main thing is, be a friend to your wife. Make sure she knows how much you love her, respect her and appreciate her. This doesn't mean buying her presents all the time or making romantic gestures 24-7. Just be nice, patient and kind and she'll be the happiest woman alive. take care, may Allah bless you and your future wife and give you a successful, contented and fulfilled marriage. wasalaam eleanor |
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| M.F. |
| 10/19/01 at 06:10:27 |
| Assalamu alaikum If I had to give one piece of advice to a brother, it would be this: You will see your wife go through all kinds of emotional states, no matter how strong and happy she's always been before you got married. It's ok. Help her through it by *listening* and giving out as many hugs as needed. After a while she'll be back to her old self. What makes women really angry: I can't generalize. For me it's work time coming before family (my) time. What makes them really happy: a HUG. Very important!. And devoting an entire period of time (day, weekend, etc) just to spending time with them. Understand that your wife will make a LOT of sacrifices for you and will spend a HUGE amount of energy trying to please you even though you can't see it. Show your appreciation for it. I guess that's all the advice I can think of right now. :) May Allah bless your marriage and keep you both happy forever. |
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| Sparrow |
| 10/19/01 at 06:49:46 |
| The best marriages I've seen are the ones where the husband and wife are friends, not just strangers in a house raising kids. They talk on the phone during the day for no particular reason, make each other laugh, and when the kids are in bed they "play," whether that's watching a DVD, sitting by the fireplace talking, or breaking out a board game for an hour or so. Sparrow |
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| Hania |
| 10/19/01 at 08:19:02 |
[quote]The best marriages I've seen are the ones where the husband and wife are friends, not just strangers in a house raising kids. They talk on the phone during the day for no particular reason, make each other laugh, and when the kids are in bed they "play," whether that's watching a DVD, sitting by the fireplace talking, or breaking out a board game for an hour or so. Sparrow[/quote] Salam wow have you actually witnessed marriages like this? Long ago I used to have a hope that when I marry it would be exactly how you have described but after speaking to many married couples they have told me that what I used to believe in was a myth, a fairytale, a fantasy that only exisits in Mills & Boons novels (not that I've read any :) If what you say is true, if marriages like this are a reality, then you have restored my hope and faith that the perfect husband does really exisit :D |
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| se7en |
| 10/19/01 at 09:15:26 |
as salaamu alaykum wa rahmatAllah, I think it has to do with just having a sense of humor about things. If you take things between you two oh so seriously, you're gonna kill each other after a few weeks :) Of course there are certain things that are serious. But if he forgets to bring home a gallon of milk, or she goes out with her peeps more than you would like - is that really worth getting all upet about? There are so many more important things to get emotional about I think. (but that's easy to say.. it's different when you're in the situation, and you feel like he's a complete idiot for not knowing how to purchase milk even though you told him *six* times to bring home some milk.. :P) Brother Majzoob, all I can say is enjoy this time :) The hard stuff is over, you both have already gone through the difficulty ob making tough decisions. Just realize that Allah has facilitated this for you and has inshaAllah blessed you with this khayr.. so enjoy it :) And after you're married, treat her with the same honor and respect you treat her with now. Now that you "have" her, it doesn't mean you can let it all out and be a jerk :P Just like Kathy said, treat her like something khayr Allah has allowed for you to have in your life. Brother Ahmed, I like your post a lot.. but is it true? Perhaps men are emotionally simpler.. but generally they have a difficult time expressing their feelings.. so that makes them complicated :) All human beings are emotionally complicated! [quote]*generally what makes women angry [/quote] Don't dismiss her feelings or thoughts. Meaning - if she has strong feelings about something, even if you think it's silly, take it seriously. Don't lecture or pressure her into doing something she doesn't want to do, even if its for her "own good". (she's your wife, not your kid!) That's all I can think of for now :) [quote]*generally what makes women really really happy and forget about being angry/upset [/quote] Am I the only one that finds "spend money on her" a bit patronizing? I see that a lot in fatwa's actually.. "to please your wife, spend time with her, show her affection, speak to her kind words, and spend money on her if necessary." That *really* gets my back up. Just be *nice* to her. And listen to her. The thing with women is (I'm speaking for our entire species :)) we may be complicated emotionally, but we usually tell you what we want. This is often times referred to by men as "nagging". We ain't that hard a species to understand, are we? :-) wAllahu a'lam. wasalaamu alaykum, Miss "I act like I know what I'm talking about" se7en |
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| Sparrow |
| 10/19/01 at 10:04:43 |
| Salam wow have you actually witnessed marriages like this? Hania, yes I have! Maybe I'm the odd one out but I've been lucky enough to know more than a few happily married couples, including my parents, my sister and her husband, my best friend's parents. Others as well. That's not to say that these couples never argue, or have a rough patch with each other, of course they do. But because they have a friendship within their marriages they work through it. :) As Seven said, it's about having a sense of humor, and also, I think, picking your battles. Sparrow |
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| BroHanif |
| 10/19/01 at 18:32:04 |
| Mabrook on your marrige. [quote]Right... So if YOU had to give a brother one piece of detailed advice before he gets married what would it be...?[/quote] Treat her as you would like you own daughter to be treated. With dignity, honour, respect and above all LOVE. Love her for the sake of Allah and you get rewarded, be nice to her and you'll get rewarded. :) That fine woman coming into your life is somebodys daughter or sis and 9 out of 10 times it may be that she comes and lives with you. Therefore, she may have to uproot, say goodbye to her friends and family(mon and dad) and start a new life somewhere else. Man thats tough, its gotta be tough... :( Some of ths sis's who have posted some messages have gone through this and I have nothing but admiration for them. [quote] 1)generally what makes women angry 2)generally what makes women really really happy and forget about being angry/upset[/quote] 1)In my case keeping the house untitdy,not cooking, 2) Being there for em, giving your lady friend a huggy when you come back from work and spending some quality time with her and not with the Satanlite in the corner, buying her chocolate, telling her she looks great etc etc nothing but postive words of encouragement for deen and dunyah. [quote]... unappreciated and not getting regular comments of how handsome we are. The sensitive new age guy is a myth, it goes against our very nature....but thats not to say we shouldn't try[/quote] My dear brother you are not married yet. And As for me I want to be told I look good(coz I am), all that money I spend on beauty and smelling creams and looking good for my wife I aint spending it for nowt and as for sensativity hang on man. If its somebody whos gotta be sensative its us men forget women. Men are sensative as well its just that we have a different way of showing it for example many men would just have a big fat moody, when they get told off. Anyway that's me, I'm sure you'll change as well Bro once your married, insha-allah. :) [quote]We ain't that hard a species to understand, are we?[/quote] So we get points if we answer this ? And how long do we have ? Anyway duty calls. Laterz |
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| Marcie |
| 10/21/01 at 18:38:53 |
| As salamu alaykum Mabruk on your up and coming wedding. First things first try to fill her gas tank often for her. [quote]Am I the only one that finds "spend money on her" a bit patronizing? I see that a lot in fatwa's actually.. "to please your wife, spend time with her, show her affection, speak to her kind words, and spend money on her if necessary." That *really* gets my back up. [/quote] se7en, I think that you are being too western in letting this bother you. Some women don't work and it is nice to to receive a gift or rose occasionally. I know that I like it when my husband buys me a gift or gives me a rose, because it shows that he appreciates me. Spend time learning about Islam together. Don't feel like she is trying to control you when she wants to know where you are going or when you'll be back. It is only because she worries about you that she asks. As salamu alaykum Marcie |
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| Kathy |
| 10/22/01 at 09:19:18 |
[quote]Am I the only one that finds "spend money on her" a bit patronizing? ... and spend money on her if necessary." That *really* gets my back up. [/quote] [quote]se7en, I think that you are being too western in letting this bother you. [/quote] It is the tone of the note- "if necessary"- being western has nothing to do with it! Se7en is right. |
| NS |
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| Mystic |
| 10/22/01 at 09:25:01 |
| Come on we all know the answers, JUST DO IT is the TRUE SPIRIT OF THE VERY TEST Alhamdullillah to the rest :) and darkness of enchanting mysteries veils only the truest best :-) you want to learn the true art of discovery??? taste the sweetness of Asal and say "yesssssssss" :):):):) taste the bitterness of MURRRR and pout "noooooooo" :(:(:(:( yearn for the more than Asal and Muurr put together??? and willingly die in your search TO really LIVE in your QUEST Always go back to Kaabah, to kiss only the smoldering BEST:-) cuz sometimes its light and sometimes its dark sometimes its good and sometimes its bad but do we ever question the true spirit of conquest???? JIHAAD IS PROCLAMATION THAT ONE IS ONLY THE BEST The two dance it out in the spirit of fajr and sunset..... and Laila says to Majnoon Alhamdullillah in our solitude i can purify this wonderful nest and majnoon sighs and says "Alhamdullillah you shroud the valor of my truest quest cuz dying harshly hurts and i need the sweetness to give me strength:-) the moon competes not for the sun but simply reflects HiS depths:) yes????? Alhamdullillah YES!!!!!! |
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| flyboy_nz |
| 10/22/01 at 22:21:27 |
| [slm] Alhamdulillah Madina's MYSTIC writes at her best, life is a quest, marriage a test. Man and Woman complement, with love heaven sent, their quest becomes one, and with that I'm done. I was inspired...thanks Sis :) wasalaam, Ahmed |
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| haaris |
| 10/23/01 at 05:32:10 |
| [slm] First of all, mabrook on your upcoming wedding. May Allah grant you happiness and tranquility with your wife. Only one piece of advice? Well, here goes ... Try to appreciate your wife for the wonderful individual that she is. Allah has created her as a person with her own individual likes, dislikes, foibles, appetites, mannerisms and all the rest. My advice to you is to find out what sort of thing makes YOUR WIFE (the individual) happy. Talk to her, listen to her, think about what she says, ask her some more or (if you're really aiming to score maximum brownie points) take some time and think about what would do it. Talking to others will help because it will give you an idea of what others think and how they feel. But that's only half the story. You have to see if that works on a personal level. I mean, look at the vast array of different answers in this thread alone: hugs, talking to them, etc. From personal experience I know that appreciative comments (even as basic as "hon, this place looks wonderful, you must have spent ages doing it, thanks" or something along those lines) will sometimes mean more than a present that was bought for the sake of buying a present. Most of the time, spending money only works if you've spent time thinking beforehand. So, in short, my advice is to appreciate the individual in your wife. And that is something that any husband can do, no matter which culture he's from or how much cash he has. I pray that Allah sends you all the best in your marriage. And may he make me the first to listen to myself. And Allah knows best. [wlm] |
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| amal |
| 10/23/01 at 10:42:33 |
| slm, [quote] Try to appreciate your wife for the wonderful individual that she is. Allah has created her as a person with her own individual likes, dislikes, foibles, appetites, mannerisms and all the rest. My advice to you is to find out what sort of thing makes YOUR WIFE (the individual) happy. Talk to her, listen to her, think about what she says, ask her some more or (if you're really aiming to score maximum brownie points) take some time and think about what would do it. [/quote] Brother Haaris said it all.Jazaka Allahu khayran. Sometimes we forget that the person standing in front of us is just that: a person with thoughts,emotions,and sensitivities.We don't have to go very far to realise this for Allah(swt) tells us that our spouses were created for us from ourselves so that we may live with them in peace and harmony.So really we should be asking ourselves how would we want to be treated by our loved ones and then do the same for them.It's as simple as that. |
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| se7en |
| 10/24/01 at 08:59:28 |
| as salaamu alaykum, [quote]se7en, I think that you are being too western in letting this bother you. Some women don't work and it is nice to to receive a gift or rose occasionally. I know that I like it when my husband buys me a gift or gives me a rose, because it shows that he appreciates me. [/quote] I like roses :) And gifts are good too :) I don't know.. I think, as Kathy said, it's just the tone used sometimes in some fatawa and books.. that implies that all a woman needs to be satisfied is something that bling blings*. And yeah, perhaps I am being too western (that could have something to do with being born and raised in the west :P) .. but being "eastern" doesn't necessarily imply "islamic" :) take care :) wasalaamu alaykum. * bling bling - refers to something shiny, eg jewelry. |
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| majzoob |
| 10/25/01 at 03:58:17 |
JazakAllahKahair!! to evryone thats commented on this subject I shall inshAllah try and remember ALL these PEARLS of WISDOM when married -- ...OMIGOSH !! AAAAAhhhhhh *@~!&%"~= ..only 8 weeks to go !!! Nervous??? -- who me ?? ? Nahh!! :) anyway -- Feel good especially with Ramadan here soon. :):):) Thanks so much again - goes to show the wisdom knowledge and kindness in the Ummah and most definatley here with everyone on the board. If anyones does have any updates or other marriage gems.... [ remember to say or dos -- dont forget this and thats -- this is really important or special. ] ..Do let me know. Would be much appreci8ted Feeling very Bling :) Bling :) Happy :) MC. May Allah SWT bless all the Muslims across the world and throughout all time... with Success Peace Strengh and Forgiveness in this life and the hereafter - Ameen and Success |
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| Anonymous |
| 10/31/01 at 10:20:48 |
| slm, [i]I came across this article which i found interesting Note: I would like to remind everyone that.. ahem..*cough*..err..there's no hayaa in religion :) Also brothers need to pay special attention to the section in red,your very lives are at stake here ;) [/i] [color=blue] Cutting to the core of marriage (New Straits Times) [/color] IS there a secret recipe for marriage? This was probably the most popular area of interest at the four-day International Family Conference held in Kuala Lumpur that ended yesterday.For it was at this session that the hall was packed to the brim. Some had to sit on the floor while others stood and listened from outside. The Minister of Women's and Family Development, Datuk Shahrizat Abdul Jalil did not miss the session too. As for the answer to the question, it is an affirmative "yes", said clinical psychologist at Northwestern University in the US, Dr Huang Wei- Jen. However, he added that although the answer sounds optimistic and simple, it is still a complicated matter as it deals with human beings' complex emotions. Why this is becoming an increasingly hot topic among adults today is because love, said Huang, is a basic human need and that marriage is the core foundation of a family. "Experts have been studying why marriages fail, or succeed for 30 years and among the conclusions is that when a couple has a good, loving relationship, their chances of falling ill is 33 per cent less than those in a stressful relationship," he said. The reason is that when one is in love and is being loved in return, one will feel relaxed and nurtured which in turn boosts the immune system. He added that such physical acts of love like hugging and touching make a person, even a baby, feel whole, and alleviate stress and depression. [color=red]Another serious yet amusing finding about love and marriage is that men who do the dishes live longer, said Taiwan-born Huang. He added that sharing is a fundamental part in love and marriage.[/color] On why couples separate or divorce, he explained that it is mostly due to a clash of ideas or interests. "The number one predictor of divorce is the habitual avoidance of conflict. It is very important for couples, especially in today's hectic world, to find time to nurture their relationship and learn to manage conflict." How can conflict be managed? Huang, who has been married for 23 years, admitted that the answers are simple yet complicated. He relies on an ancient scripture which reads `Slow to speak, quick to listen and slow to anger.' "Speaking gently is very important. If one communicates in a harsh tone at the height of anger and anxiety, it will only create more stress and tension, and the other party will not be able to really listen. "Secondly, one must be able to accept influence. In other words, take other people's opinions seriously. When your spouse or child is saying something, pay attention to him or her. Thirdly, it is crucial to know how to repair a relationship. "Every relationship will go through disappointments or hurt from time to time but mending it differs from case to case." He added that one of the key principles in repairing a relationship is learning to deposit love units wisely. In a simple explanation, if someone's thirsty, give him water, not food. "We Asians tend to have a lot of love but in our love there is also a lot of anxiety. We force other people to receive but we don't respect them enough to give them what they truly need." It's about patience and comprehension but most of all, he said, one should understand oneself as a person. "We can have all the research findings, marriage tips and more but the most important foundation to a successful marriage is ourselves. A person who is healthy emotionally, physically and spiritually is always successful." He noted that one should not blame, or force others to meet one's needs. "In other words, don't be selfish or jump to conclusions. Instead, comprehend and understand." As a therapist, Huang said he finds it a struggle to handle domestic violence cases. "It is even more difficult when a husband tortures his wife and children mentally so much so that they are conditioned to accept blame. In such a case, there has to be intervention from outside to wake the victims up." Though a taboo subject among some, sex plays a major role in a successful marriage. Dr Nor Ashikin Ahmad Mokhtar from Pantai Medical Centre, Kuala Lumpur said sex bonds a marriage further and creates harmony in a family. "Good loving equals great sex," she said. The lack of sexual desire, activities, fantasies and interest will lead to separation or divorce. She added that treatment does not only include medical remedies but couples must also address such problems openly, with equal participation. According to the director of the Human Reproductive Centre, Malaysia, Dr Mohd Ismail Thamby, a 1997/1998 study in Malaysia revealed that 1.7 million men above 40 years of age have some degree of erectile dysfunction (ED). Their inadequacy is related to smoking, stress, alcohol, obesity( diabetes and lack of physical activity. The possible consequences of sexual disorders such as ED includes separation, divorce and family breakdown. He said among the reasons why the problem is prevalent includes self-denial among men and women being shy or afraid to talk about it. "It is a sensitive subject but there has to be an open discussion between husband and wife because sexual relationship and intimacy have considerable health benefits," he said. |
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