Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Help Please ... I don't want to tell my husband who his friends are ... But |
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| Caraj |
| 12/01/01 at 02:40:10 |
| I don't want to tell my husband who his friends can be. I don't want to sound bossy or jealous. But I have a problem with friends of his, a couple. I don't want to be around them nor do I want him around them. Please read on and tell me what you think.May I ask the sisters and I would very much appreciate brothers opinions and advice on this. My husband has been friends with a couple since before me. The wife I feel behaves inappropriate as does her husband. I trust my husband without a doubt and he looks upon this lady as like a little sister, however Before this gal and I met we talked on the phone. When she told me she was sad when my husband announced to her he asked me to marry him and I accepted I saw this as a warning sign. She said he is like a brother and would come to her if he wanted advice or a home cooked meal and now that would stop. She even said he did not hug her as much as he use to.. We stayed with this couple for three weeks when looking for a home of our own. While there she would answer for him if I asked my husband a question. It was a regular thing for her to hug and kiss him (on the cheek) hello and good bye almost daily. I have two friends very dear to me one of 14 yrs and I don't go hugging and kissing her husbands. This girl has even gone on outtings and to dinner with a married man from her work. Her husband upset by it. The man's wife calling this gal's husband. This is not the kind of woman I want around my husband. I trust him more than I have trusted anyone but this gals behavior infuriates me. I think it is rude and inappropriate. The husband is a stay at home dad who doesn't support this family nor a child from a prior relationship. He can't seem to hold down a job and this seems to be his life for years. Yells and screams and fights with his wife in front of others and even their 4 young children. Is it fair or even right of me to ask my husband to no longer socialize with this family and request of him for us to find other families of like mind and interest to socialize with? He is coming home soon after a long absence due to work. The idea of these people coming back into my life or his is really really bothering me. They have no use for me while he has been gone but neither do I for them. |
| Re: Help Please ... I don't want to tell my husband who his friends are ... But |
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| mujaahid |
| 12/01/01 at 08:03:53 |
| Salaam Cara "Before this gal and I met we talked on the phone. When she told me she was sad when my husband announced to her he asked me to marry him and I accepted I saw this as a warning sign. She said he is like a brother and would come to her if he wanted advice or a home cooked meal and now that would stop." I think its certain this other woman is the type that gets a kick out of going after other men, ones she can't have, ie married men. It seems to me that she has a keen eye on your husband. ".. We stayed with this couple for three weeks when looking for a home of our own. While there she would answer for him if I asked my husband a question. It was a regular thing for her to hug and kiss him (on the cheek) hello and good bye almost daily. I have two friends very dear to me one of 14 yrs and I don't go hugging and kissing her husbands" I think that maybe with your husband, in his case, he may see it as a completely innocent thing kissing her goodbye on the cheeks, but in this womans case, i think she has other intents, i.e trying to prize him away from you, or get him to be unfaithful. Also if she does it knowing you are present, she is also doing it to make you jealous, as she probably wanted to marry your husband, and is angry at you that he chose you, not her, so making you jealous is a way for her to get back at you. "Is it fair or even right of me to ask my husband to no longer socialize with this family and request of him for us to find other families of like mind and interest to socialize with?" I feel you have every right to ask your husband not to socialize with these people if its making you feel the way you do. I think the best thing for you to do is tell your husband how you feel. If he see's the effect his "friends" are having on you, then i hope he will put your feelings first and respect your wishes. I think most men would love to have a wife who feels the way you do about your husband. As long as you talk from the heart, then i think all will be good in the end. |
| Re: Help Please ... I don't want to tell my husband who his friends are ... But |
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| Sa7ar |
| 12/01/01 at 08:52:02 |
| A' Salam 3alikummm In my opion this whole situation add's up to trouble and I find it strange that as a muslim you even allowed it to go as far as it did??? I am going to assume that this couple your refering to are not muslim, therefore it is my humble opion that there is nothing you can do but to advice your husband that was he is doing is wrong, and possibly sit with this women and tell her the same. As an adult and women, she should respect your feelings. Another Question Insh'allah....... I am again going to assume you yourself are a muslimah and as far as I am aware you should not even being staying in a house with a non-ma7ram man? Your husband should not be speaking to women on the phone.. IE: there is no friendships between men and women in Islam. Sub Han Allah.. your husband should not allow a women to touch his hand, let alone kiss his cheek. SUB HA ALLAH, Ukhtee, Insh'allah you must say something. I, being MUSLIM and 3arab find it very strange that men and women interact with one another in this way, let alone a husband and wife. For give my ignorance Ukhtee.. Insh'allah your husband will open his eyes and see what he is doing to you is wrong and hurtful , and find your strengh and explain to your husband how he makes you feel and that what he is doing is really wrong Insh'allah. Again.. all I am saying is based on the assumption that you are muslim. Salam 3alikum, wr wb Sahar |
| Re: Help Please ... I don't want to tell my husband who his friends are ... But |
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| eleanor |
| 12/01/01 at 09:57:51 |
| slm Cara's not a Muslim. (yet, Insha Allah). Cara, I've had this too at times. While I felt I couldn't forbid my husband from seeing this friend of his whom I didn't like, I refused to have him in my home and wouldn't go on any outings which potentially involved meeting this guy. It worked. My husband realised how much it meant to me and stopped meeting up with this friend of his. I don't know if it'll work for you but you could give it a try? wasalaam eleanor Ps: This "friend" was drinking alcohol, going out with women and basically leading a lifestyle very deviant to that of a practicing Muslim. |
| Re: Help Please ... I don't want to tell my husband who his friends are ... But |
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| Marcie |
| 12/01/01 at 10:24:38 |
| Hi Cara, Depending on your husband Eleanor's idea might not work, especially if he walks in after a long absence. If I were ever to forbid my husband something it would backfire. Maybe you should be open with him and tell him how uncomfortable this relationship makes you feel. Allow the ball to be in his court and for him to make the decision that the relationship with this couple is not worth it. Sometimes we western women can be too frontal in our approach (like slamming your head against a wall) We need to be more clever in the delivery. (Don't anyone go slamming me here, it's Ramadan.) I've noticed that this works better for me, although I do slip sometimes. Sorry I could not be a better help, I know that this is a tough one. Marcie |
| Re: Help Please ... I don't want to tell my husband who his friends are ... But |
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| Caraj |
| 12/01/01 at 13:55:05 |
| It was not my husband she went out to dinner with and on other outtings. It was a different married man. This girl is married herself and to what my husband considers his best friend. I am shocked the husband even allowed such behavior. He husband cannot hold a job and is a stay at home Dad and yells and screams and has problems. Fights with the wife and will even do theses things in front of their 4 small children agea 2 to 8. I just found it odd and it was a warning sign to me up front that she was sad her husbands best friend (MY hubby) was getting married. Muslim Warrior you are right my husband is what one would say completely innocent. He looks upon this girl as a sort of little sister. But I still did not like the hugging upon arriving and departing on a daily basis as married people would do when we stayed with her and her husband. I just prefer both he and I associate with couples of like interest and mind. We are into horses and there is a riding club where people go on rides and picnics together. Between horse activities and his work and other activities I think being around people who are simular in interests and mind are better to be around. One thing I know for sure is this gal cannot stand me almost as much as I cannot stand her. |
| Re: Help Please ... I don't want to tell my husband who his friends are ... But |
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| Barraa |
| 12/02/01 at 04:05:48 |
| salam caraj... you got a pretty big prob here... but i hope this could help ask allah forgiveness and and always seek refuge from the shaytan. always read surat al nas before you sleep. or are you jealous because his friends you feel they are not good for him and they will hurt him? hope it helps. :) peace out sister... |
| Re: Help Please ... I don't want to tell my husband who his friends are ... But |
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| Saleema |
| 12/02/01 at 04:11:32 |
| [slm] LOL :D Cara is not Muslim For cara: Shaitan is Satan Surat al-Nas is a chapter in the Quran [wlm] |
| Re: Help Please ... I don't want to tell my husband who his friends are ... But |
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| Caraj |
| 12/02/01 at 14:20:12 |
| Barraa to answer your question, Maybe jealous is or is not the right word. I just know I don't not like the gals behavior. I find it inappropriate and when I have stayed with my friends in the past I don't hug and kiss their husbands hello and good bye daily. First of all I would never to that and second of all my friends wouldn't put up with it. :) I just don't. I am an affectionate type person but I feel there is a time and place for it. I don't think a married woman going out with a married man and leaving her husband at home is inappropriate behavior. For her husband I don't feel "not" supporting the children you make or screaming, yelling, demeaning is appropriate behavior. Maybe I'm a prude. Maybe I'm old fashioned. But this is not all the girls fault either. I actually have no concerns that my husband would go to her. I just feel they live their life different and I want no part of them. I don't feel it is right for me to tell my husband who his friends can be but I don't want to be in their presence. I don't want to go to their place nor do I want them at my place. Which leaves him seeing his friends alone and I don't think that is right either. If I was friends with someone my husband didn't care for I would stop the friendship immed as my husband's interest and feelings are my main concern. Make sense? |
| Re: Help Please ... I don't want to tell my husband who his friends are ... But |
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| se7en |
| 12/02/01 at 20:11:02 |
[quote]But I still did not like the hugging upon arriving and departing on a daily basis as married people would do when we stayed with her and her husband. [/quote] I hear ya. You can call it jealousy, territorialism, honor, gheerah (an Arabic word for protectiveness).. but I think it's just about respect. There's a level of *physical* respect between men and women that should be maintained, I think. I think you got some of the shocked responses you did because if you're a Muslim woman, married to a good Muslim man, your husband would *not* feel comfortable having that sort of interaction with another woman. Not only would you be the only woman that he touches, you'd be the only woman he confides in, flirts with, gets really really silly with, or even look at all that intensely. If you marry a good Muslim guy, you don't even have to worry about asking, "Is she prettier than me?" - because you are the only one he's actually looking at like that. :) There's such a beautiful and intense relationship between husband and wife - where all attentions are focused on each other and not anyone else. And that includes just casual touches, like a hug or a kiss on the cheek. It's funny because there's all this hype about Muslim men who "control" their women in terms of their sexuality.. not wanting them to come into physical contact with men, flirt with them etc.. but it's the same for Muslim women with their men! You don't hear about that much, eh? :) Anyway.. sorry, just thinking out loud here.. back to your question :) I don't really have any advice for you.. I'll leave that to the more qualified (ie, married) people on the board. But if anything, maybe you should tell your husband what makes you uncomfortable about the situation. I don't think he realizes how inappropriate and uncomfortable her actions are making you feel. And because men (in general, not to insult your husband) are pretty blockheaded when it comes to women, it might be blatantly clear to you what this woman is trying to do but your husband might be thinking that he's still just like her big bro. take care :) peace, Miss "I act like I know what I'm talking about and that I'm married and I actually have experience with such things" se7en |
| Re: Help Please ... I don't want to tell my husband who his friends are ... But |
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| M.F. |
| 12/03/01 at 07:24:11 |
| Cara, Does your husband know how you feel about these people? No, you definitely can't tell him who his friends are, but perhaps you can ask him to see his friend alone, without his wife. Also maybe he should know that just because he's his friend, you yourself don't necessarily feel like hanging out with them, and therefore a couples get-together isn't really appealing to you. Ok the man's his best friend, but that doesn't mean he has to see the guy's wife or get together in couples in order to see him. What I mean is that they should meet among guys, and that the women in the relationship have no business in it. I agree with mijaahid who said that the woman gets a kick out of going after men, she's a "manizer". Sometimes it doesn't matter who the guy is, he looks better to her than her husband who doesn't have a job. Anyway, I say keep her away from your hubby. You totally trust him, but she's not to be trusted and she sounds like she could and might try something. So, tell your hubby how you feel. He might say it's complete nonsense but then afterwards he'll start seeing their behavior in a different way. |
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