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Heart is torn between the love for two women.
BroHanif
12/01/01 at 19:15:21
AWW, Okay people I need an answer from this. In fact before I post I expect an answer from the Bro's as well and I don't want this thread to be taken over by the Sisters, again. Okay Question is Say your married as a bloke (all those bro's and sisters who are not married, they can reply as well) and in your new fond marrige after a few weeks your wife says to you, that its best if we get a place of our own. However, the thing holding you back is your mom, she insists on you staying together in the same house as one familiy. Your wife wants to dress her own way, do her own thing, wants to have her own place and stuff, your mom has raised you for so many years and can't bear to see you move out(even if its nx door!). Your heads buzzing, you don't know what to do, your stuck between a rock and a hard place, what do you do ? I'm interested in replies from everyone, even if your not married what would you do, have you thought about living with your in laws ??. I'm especially keen to hear from sisters who are going to be married and have thought about this and from those sisters/bros who have gone through a similiar situation, what did you do. Salaams Hanif

Re: Heart is torn between the love for two women.
flyboy_nz
12/01/01 at 20:18:21
asalamu alaikum wr wb, hmm exactly what do you do??  Its not an easy thing to go against your mother's wishes, because Paradise is under the feet of your mother, not your wife.   On the other hand, once you get married, you start a new family unit- husband, wife and the kids (yet to come) and you have responsibilities to maintain harmony within that unit. I'd personally be more comfortable moving out of the house and establishing a place for myself and my new family.  But first I'd try to have a talk with my mother and explain the reasons why I need a new place.  At the same time I'd listen to her reasons for me staying at home.  If her reasons are better than mine, then I'd have to stay, but if my reasons are more valid then I'm sure she'll come to accept it. but yeah, not an easy situation.  Good question Bro :) wasalam, Ahmed

Re: Heart is torn between the love for two women.
Kashif
12/01/01 at 20:34:14
assalaamu alaikum For starters, moving out doesn't seem like an overnight process. It will ake a few months to do so, insha'allah. So if i were you, i'd start mentioning it in conversations with your mother and get her used to the idea that the day draws near when you will be moving out, insha'allah. Perhaps you and/or your wife can speak to a friend of your mother's who can work on persuading her to accept that is part of life: kids grow up, marry and move out. In particular, i think she needs to be convinced that your moving out doesn't equate to a decision to hardly ever see her again. She needs to know that you'll be visiting her and you'll be happy for her to visit you, etc. Perhaps it might be easier for your mother to accept your decision if you moved to a place closeby. Kashif Wa Salaam btw. sometimes what happens in cultures in which it is the norm for the new hubby & wife to stay with hubby's parents after the marriage, is that if they move out much sooner, people start saying "it was that wife of his who put him up to it." So you need to be prepared for that. Prepared in the sense that you ignore such remarks.
NS

Re: Heart is torn between the love for two women.
kiwi25
12/01/01 at 23:10:18
salaam, as an unmarried sister, i would rather live with my husband alone, if its impossible that i cant live with him and have to move in with his parents then thats fine but it would only have to be for a good reason such as financially reasons etc.  i wouldnt want to live with my in laws for tooooooo long though, like hmmm no more than a year. personnally i believe a husband and wife deserve their own privacy.  also another. its going to be hard with your mother if you choose to leave, especially if your her only baby boy :) inshallah things will work out, also maybe you should try salatul istikharah becuase you seem to be torn between two things..... wasalam, nouha:)

Re: Heart is torn between the love for two women.
Arsalan
12/02/01 at 01:13:57
[slm] BroHanif, I think this is an issue that should be settled between the man and the woman *before* marriage.  That is, whether or not they will be living with the parents or separately.  Everyone should agree on it (including the parents) before the marriage takes place. As to what should be done in your situation, I don't have an answer.  There are many variable that have to be looked at.  Is the husband willing to live without the parents?  If not, why not?  Are the parents capable of supporting themselves and live independently if the son moves away?  How bent is the wife on living alone? If everyone/everything seems to be at loggerheads, then an option may be a double-story house. Or, a duplex, with the parents living in one side and the married couple living in the other. Nevertheless, it is one of the most difficult issues to deal with in many Eastern cultures.  Unfortunately! Wallahu a'lam. Wassalamu alaikum.

Re: Heart is torn between the love for two women.
hydrolicious
12/02/01 at 04:09:13
Assalamu alaikum,,, As the eldest boy in my familia,,,i can relate to the pressures of the expectations of having to live with the family.  Firstly i think that one should think carefully bout loyalties and priorities... One needs to be clear of his duties to his parents...The needs of parents especially in their later years are agreeably the most demanding.  It is in these years that they need us the most and where we are tested the most.  Granted other matters need to be taken into consideration, one cannot dicard their duty to the person who bore them.  Im tempted to put forth the example of the boy bringing water to his mother, not knowing she had fallen asleep, yet still standing all night by her bedside waiting for her to awake. I will only say that struggle of this kind only helps to mold our character.  No doubt we will spend the rest of out lives with our spouses inshallah, in taking care of ones parents' desires as long as they dont intervene with our islam.  On the topic of the woman being into her own thing, i have one strong point to make.  This seems to be the precursor for things to come.  In todays day and age men as ameers have to use hikmah that they have acquired, and deal with an issue like this accordingly.  Time and time again i have seen women getting their men caught up in fitnah, and leading their men astray.  A husband needs to make his wifes duties clear, and as well his.  If unchecked this type of "Its my life", or "I want it this way" attitude years down the road if not months could lead to a serious neglect of your duty as a husband, as a son, and as a good dutiful muslim.  It is a husbands not only as an ameer but as a friend to educate ones wife bout how to be patient, and to think if the same was happening to ones own mother.  I only pray that others will inshallah find a devoted and patient wife.   Adidas all the time. Hydrolicious....Gotta love our biryani

Re: Heart is torn between the love for two women.
kiwi25
12/02/01 at 08:24:15
salam, unfortunetly this is a really hard choice, and i agree with arsalan, this decision should have been made earleir prior to the marriage. hydrolicious, your new to the board, welcome! i just want to point out that its hard for any parent to have a child move away.  the wife had to move away from her parents. im sure they took it hard esp if its their first born or only daughter... if the husband gets to stay with his parents becuase they are weak and too old, then it should only be fair for the wife to bring her parents along too (if shes the only child, or there is no son) usually this case doesnt happen but you have to understand your wife parted from her parents, have you ever thought of doing the same for your wife? (of course you have, this is what this whole discussion is about) wasalam nouha:)

Re: Heart is torn between the love for two women.
se7en
12/02/01 at 21:53:09
as salaamu alaykum, I can really empathize with the wife in this situation.  It's not just a question of her wanting to do her own thing.. it's literally affecting the way the relationship works.  Any decision, whether trivial or serious, is no longer a decision between a man and his wife.  It's a decision between a man, his wife, and his mother.  And because of the nature of the relationship between mother-in-law and daugher-in-law, (especially in certain cultures), the mother's opinion *always* overrides that of the wife's.   Your mother's house will *always* be your mother's house.  She is the alpha female. :)  And it would suck to have to come into that, having others expectations imposed upon you, really being powerless in terms of questioning or disagreeing with things, and having to be so sensitive and attentive to another persons wants and inclinations because she has the ability to make your life easy or difficult depending on whether she is pleased with you or not.. !#$# It's pretty crazy.. personally I would not move into my husband's parents house, just because I know I don't have what it takes (lots of patience, lots of willingness to sacrifice) and I know of too many unhappy experiences with it.  It's difficult enough trying to keep one person happy.. I can't imagine how difficult it would be to try to keep things cool with your husband *and* your mother in law, especially if you yourself have strong opinions about things.   Anyway.. I keep lecturing today for some reason :/ My advice would be.. *not* to think of it as siding with one person or the other.  It's a question of coming to a decision that would be best for everyone involved.  Whatever you decide, make sure it's handled tactfully and everyone understands the reason behind it.  If you're leaving your parents house, assure your folks that you won't neglect them and this would ease conflict and tension in the home.  If you're staying, assure your wife that her thoughts and feelings about things will not be neglected and you will work to have her wants accomodated. I don't know what else to tell you bro.. Allahu a'lam. May Allah guide us to the make the best decisions. wasalaamu alaykum wa rahmatAllah.

Re: Heart is torn between the love for two women.
NewJehad
12/03/01 at 08:09:30
i don't know what every one else said cause i am bucy so could not be bothered to read theirs, i came to this thread cause i thought i was going to be about some thing intresting,, yep you guesed it polygamy.. but nahhhhhhhhhhhh,... any how, its clear. listen to your mum. any how if worst comes to the worst, you can always get a new wife, but you can never get a new mum.

Re: Heart is torn between the love for two women.
tq
12/03/01 at 09:16:33
Assalamo elikuim WOW!! This is sure not an easy topic :) ! I agree with Br.Arsalan has said. If it is not at all possible/unbearable for wife to live with parents and parents are taken care of then the I think it should be better to live separately but try to visit/talk to parents as frequently as possible.  If it is not possible for parent/mother to live by themselves/herself and then probably it is better to live with parents and try to make things easier for wife as much as possible (her having separate kitchen , area, being very and some more considerate  etc. etc ). But Alhamdullah, most mother-in-laws are not draculas :) and most daugher-in-laws are not out there to snatch away sons! Now this is just my opnion but I personally think I am sure there can be a way depending upon each case where both wife and mother can be happy. And I also agree with that that it should be talked before the marriage so that sister gets a chance to decide if she want to be in this situation or not . Now my personal opinion/experiences: Alhamdullah I have been married for 8 years and during that time I have lived with my in-laws for couple of years and I can tell you that it is not as dramatic as most people think (for a long time I was sort of like an only child since all my sibling were away either married or studying, so I was kind of used to having my way :) ).  There are plus points( no cooking, free at home and best baby sitter etc. etc) and I wont calls it negatives points, but yes  you have to consider other people beside yourselves, (which is not sooo bad also). I personally wont want my parents to live by themselves all alone (specially if they cant take care of themselves) therefore how can I let anyone else parents to live alone. When I am at grocery store or any place and I see old folks doing grocery themselves and doing the hard work themselves, throwing garbage, driving cars in crazy traffic I feel so sad for them and wonder where their kids are. Now this is just my opnion but I strongly believe that if and when parents are old then either one of the children should live with them or other way round. Wasalam tq   PS: Sorry I think I have confused you more :)   May ALlah let you make a decision by which your wife,your mother and you yourself are happy, Ameen

Re: Heart is torn between the love for two women.
M.F.
12/03/01 at 09:32:59
[quote] listen to your mum. any how if worst comes to the worst, you can always get a new wife, but you can never get a new mum.[/quote] Oh PULLLEEEEEEAAAAZE! What an attitude! Is that a way to start out a new marriage?  You can always get another wife? Life goes on.  Mothers really need to let their children, especially their sons, go.  With all respect to mothers, they need to let their children get on with their lives, and I think it's selfish to want to keep their children for themselves, no disprespect meant.   Yes, you love your mother more than anyone else in the world, but your wife deserves to have you to herself for a while before the kids come along.  It's also healthier for all of you, psychologically speaking.  Your wife should also feel that she has the freedom to do things her way. Even if she and your mother get along wonderfully, still... there's always that feeling that she's not in her own home. Try to understand it from her point of view.  If your mom keeps on insisting one way and your wife another, it's bound to create a LOT of tension between them, and why would anyone want to live together as a family with that kind of tension going on?   Insha Allah your mom will learn to let go.  Just break it to her gently, and make sure she knows that even though physically you'll be living elsewhere, you'll always be there for her. And may Allah give you good a way out :-)

Re: Heart is torn between the love for two women.
Anonymous
12/03/01 at 10:27:46
Salaam I just wanted to ask, what the brothers and sisters feel should be done to parents then after marriage. Should we just leave them in their old age to look after themselves or leave them in old peoples homes. Is that what we would want when we are old, a lonely life where u get more visits from care workers than family. ??? Isnt this what non-muslims do. Dosent the mother have the most right over a man, and the husband has the most right over a woman. ??? Isnt it a sign of Qiyamat that men will disobey their mothers and obey their wives. Seems strange that she wants this just a few weeks after marriage, surely she must have known her intentions before hand. This leaves the bro in an akward position. I think sons should try and keep their parents close to them (whether its together or right nearby in a seperate section to ensure the wife gets her rights). For sisters if their parents do not have any sons, then they should agree in their marriage contract that their parents will be looked after.   Looking after our parents is one of the easiest ways to enter jannah, so why would we want to give up that chance. I know that this is a touchy issue amongst sisters, but we should all learn to sacrifice. There is always a limit so of course if there is to much trouble in the house then yes. Walaykum Salaam PS. I wasnt trying to cause an argument here just giving my opinion. Ramadan Mubarak

Re: Heart is torn between the love for two women.
se7en
12/03/01 at 10:43:13
as salaamu alaykum, [quote]Should we just leave them in their old age to look after themselves or leave them in old peoples homes? [/quote] Heck no!  I have seen some crazy documentaries on how they treat people in those homes.. I would *never* do that to my parents, or my in-laws.  I think the issue here though is moving into their home (when the parents are still self sufficient and relatively young), as opposed to moving them into your home when they get older. [quote]PS. I wasnt trying to cause an argument here just giving my opinion.[/quote] It's all good.. that's what the board's about :)  Post some more! :) take care :) wasalaamu alaykum.

Re: Heart is torn between the love for two women.
hydrolicious
12/04/01 at 04:45:13
Assalamu alaikum.... I think the anonymous writer really conveyed the essence of what were ta;ling about.  Your mother has total right over you in terms of islamic duty.  One of those duties is to be looked after by her kids.  Too often we want to decide how things are done by the western methodology of marriage.  When we have the beauty of the Quran and the siratul mustaqueem of rasullah (saw)...The following is an indication of this fact. Imam Bukhari and Muslim reported that a man came to the prophet (S.A.W.) and asked, "O Messenger of Allah, which person of all the people is best entitled to kind treatment and the good companionship from me?" He answered, "Your mother." The man asked, "And then?" He (S.A.W.) said, "Your mother." And after her? He said, "Your mother." and after her? The prophet (S.A.W.) said, "Your father." Imam Al-Qurtubi said, "that this hadith tells us that the love and compassion to the mother should be three times greater than your fathers. This is because of the hardship your mother faced in three times, the pregnancy, delivery, and nursing. Only the mother had to face these three things." ***Obviously hadith is not new to us but it illustrates the importance of the mother.**** The real loss is for whom found his parents, one or both, in old age, but did not serve them well, which could of led him to enter paradise in the day of judgment. Imam Muslim reported that the prophet (S.A.W.) said, "May his nose be rubbed in dust, may his nose be rubbed in dust, may has nose be rubbed in dust i.e. May he be humiliated, (He said this three times), who found his parents, one or both, in old age, but did not enter paradise, (by serving them)." To be kind to your parents is a must even if they are disbelievers. Imam Bukhari and Muslim reported that Asma', daughter of Abu-Bakr said, "My mother came to Medina from Mecca to see me, while she was still a disbeliever. She had come to demand something from me. I inquired the prophet (S.A.W.), "My mother has come to see me and she is expecting, something from me. May I oblige her?" He said, "Yes. Be kind to your mother." Obliging ones parents, is a fard upon us unless it is something which is unislamic. In my previou post i was criticized for not seeing the wifes views.  However when we have so much precedence layed out for us to follow, is it not incumbant on us to follow as muslims who follow the sunnah of rasullah (saw), or is it acceptable for us to create new social systems on the hows of mariage.   I'l like to also make a note of the fact that some ppl have mentioned that the mother has a lot of power due to CULTURAL practices....this is not true...As one can plainly see the Mother is very important ISLAMICALLY.... Sacrifice undoubtedly will have to be made,,,if not made by the mother,,,then wihl have to be made by the daughter in-law....This is life is way toooo short for us...so a few yrs of major test only helps us to gain ajr...If thats what were really after....however if we want to be able to sleep at night better, or be able to wear whatever we want cuz moms doesnt like our inappropriate gear..or we cant stay out late, or we cant got out to the movies cuz mom needs us....Then by all means this culture of THE West is only too willing to accept and assimilate us into the scores of ppl who have forgotten their parents, and who will as rasullah pu is best...have their noses rubbed in the dust. Sohail bagona belly

Re: Heart is torn between the love for two women.
Anik
12/04/01 at 06:15:11
asalaamu alaikum, Get another wife? That's the argument my parents used on me... anyways, this situation gets even tougher for me... in fact, impossible! see, I have always been a momma's boy... but with me, the thing is my mother is not a muslim! and that makes it impossible for my wife Insha'Allah because it creates an automatic tension, a sort of "you-stole-my-baby-boy-you-muslim-woman" kinda thing, and mothers become very critical, My mom has already said she doesn't think we are a good match and is still trying to say all she can to put her down- basically making her life a living, well, problem. BUT, I love my mom. Straight up. She's the only reason I didn;t pick up and live my life with wife Insh'Allah somewhere else. In my culture, oldest (especially only) son takes care of parents- how the heck will I do that, and balance my wife's happiness Insha'Allah? Right now, she wants me to leave the house, and go visit my mom as often as I want... There is also this rivallry of sorts- a sort of competition to please me, my mom knows exactly what to cook, clean from so many years now... and I'm worried to leave her... what if she falls sick or a robber comes into the house (seriously)? But my marriage is the key; I can never see the two co-existing, and my opportunities even lie in another country... I can't let one down because we have to behappy Insha'Allah and settle down I can't let the other down because she brought me up and she is my mom. I kinda feel like a big kid who doesn't wanna grow up :( but I have a wife waiting for me Insha'Allah to spend the rest of my life with. *sigh* Wa'Allahu Alam. asalamau alaikum. abdullah,.

Re: Heart is torn between the love for two women.
Mahmoodah
12/04/01 at 09:59:40
salam this is obviously a hard desicion, but cudnt u move in a house near ur mom??? dat way u and ur wife can go n visit her everyday! i dunno if dat wud work... but its just a sugestion! I personally think that parents shudnt b deserted at an age like this... they've spent there lives lookin after n bringin u up! wa-salam

Re: Heart is torn between the love for two women.
Adi28
12/04/01 at 23:51:22
Salaams first i want to say to Hanif..you have had so many people post with such good advice your all set!! but just to add that when talking with your mother you should also tell her that its not your wife that insisting you leave. just so your mother (not saying that she would necessarily do this) does automatically think that your wife is the one who wants you to move out.     My opininon on what to do with your parents after marriage..well that varies with the each situation, inshallah when i get married and if my parents are very capable to take care of themsleves, i will let them do what they want..so basically it all comes down to what they want to do..but since we  have six childern in the family i know that i won't be taking care of them all alone..hehe each of us will have  an apartment for them added on to our houese..and they can rotate where they live in timely intervals..hehe just an idea :)   Salaams       Adilah

Re: Heart is torn between the love for two women.
Seeker
12/04/01 at 23:52:34
[slm] like in the anon reply, I couldn't get thought of one of the signs of the last day out of my head, when men will listen to their wives rather than to their mothers. The next question I guess would be, solution? I guess the most logical solution I saw was off the duplex. Because of tension between the wife and the mother that won't go away, and the need to server your mother and wife at the same time, living in the same building but different appartments seemed the most reasonable to me; you can have privacy with your wife, as well as be close enough to take care of your mother and be there for her. me personally? I would make sure before the marriage that my mother in law and I got along, if we had major issues, I'd probably have issues in my marrigae from the start. You can't deny it, a dude has strong ties to his mother. If you get in between that..tricky tricky..(insha'allah I get a mother in law who I get along with!) Hmm, talking to your mother about how you feel obviously seems the most difficult. Don't make it seem like your leaving her. I can just imagine if that was me losing one of my sons telling me he'd visit me when ever he can..seems like I'd still be losing him, and it'd be deffinately hard to let go. (bringing tears to my eyes already, and I have a long way to go..) don't know if this helped much.. [wlm]

Re: Heart is torn between the love for two women.
Nazia
12/05/01 at 03:04:08
slm, First of all, WOW--anik, you're married?! Never knew! Congrats! Anyhow, I don't have any profound advice, but there was something I found to be somewhat interesting.  The problem seems to be that the wife feels somewhat trapped, because she is living in someone else's home with her husband.  This is the basic, most fundamental problem.  No matter how amazing your parent-in-laws are, the bottom line is, you are living in THEIR home.  This means, THEIR rules apply, and THEIR word is the final word.  Obviously, I am sure we are not dealing with Nazi parents here, so the situation is probably not as dramatic as I make it seem, but nonetheless, the fact remains--she is living in someone else's house. If she feels like cooking something special, but her mother-in-law has already made chicken korma, she would no doubt, feel awkward stepping on toes and cooking something else.  Likewise, if she wants to spend a quiet evening alone with her husband, but her in laws want to invite people over, she would again, feel awkward refusing to visit with company. I don't know how to remedy the situation right now, but I think that by perhaps buying your OWN place and eventually inviting your parents to live with YOU in YOUR HOME (as opposed to you living with them), your wife might not feel so trapped.  You see then, your wife might feel like she has a little more control, and say so in any situations.  She will no lojg feel like a guest--but rather as someone who fundamentally belongs in that home.  She will also, I think, find it easier to treat your parents with the utmost respect, because essentially to cause of tension has been removed.  Unless of course your mother starts feeling trapped/etc--but I don't think that will happen, because they're usually a lot more mature than that :) Maybe its psychological, but the thought of having my in laws eventually come live with me and my husband in our home is a very pleasing and comforting thought.  But the thought of moving in to THEIR house right away, makes me feel claustrophobic!  Alhamdulillah, I love them like my own parents, as I am sure the wife in this dilemma does, but it makes a difference. Anyways, we have responsiblities to our parents, as well as our spouses, and no situation is black and white.  So, I hope Insha'Allah, the dilemma is solved, and all parties involved are happy, Insha'Allah.  May Allah give you the guidance you need and want. Ameen. Take Care, Wassalam, Nazia

Re: Heart is torn between the love for two women.
Ayla_A
12/06/01 at 11:51:27
[slm] This is not a black and white issue.  There is many things to consider.  One being the age of the parents, if they are relatively young and healthy then I think it would make the choice much easier to make.  Whereas if the parents are older and need more assistance that changes the options as well. Also you have to consider if there is non-mahrem men in the house.  This for me personally would be a very difficult issue.  Not being able to dress freely in my own home would be very bothersome.   I definitely like the idea of having a duplex or living in the same apartment building if this is feasible.  This way you are so very close to them, to be a big help to each other. Also I agree with I think Saleema that said this issue should have been worked out before marriage.  It truly amazes me how people don't discuss such important issues before they make the decision to marry each other.  I have heard of so many problems arising from this.  Communication is the key, both with your wife and also with your mother!! [wlm] Ayla

Re: Heart is torn between the love for two women.
maryam786
12/08/01 at 19:54:36
salamulaikum: br hanif i'm glad u brought up this problem tho i'm sorry that ur having issues! i think this is somethingreally important that ALL young women need to think about. one of my relatives just went thru a really horrible situation (that almost brough her and husband to divorce even tho they JUST had a baby) bcs of this problem of in-laws. its a difficlut situation..but the hadith that were mentioned earlier are REALLY important. also, sura israah indicates that obeying one's parents comes immediately after obeying Allah swt. girls have torealize what a tough position they are putting their husbands r in...bcs he insha'Allah wants to make both women in his life happy.  and i dunno my personal opinion on this is that of coures it is better for the couple to live alone..bcs they need space too..but she (teh wife) shud have utmost regrd for the inlaws and i dunno not to move too far or whatever..and to be patient insha'Allah...and also, that if u guys do move, make sure it is in themost kind, agreeable way possible insha'Allah.. i don't htink i have said anything new here..sorry :) m

Re: Heart is torn between the love for two women.
Lisha
12/10/01 at 02:46:17
as-salaam alaikum, I'm soo sorry to hear this story!  From what u hav said i gather u want to keep both your mother and ur wife happy at the same time.  (tough thing to do, but mash'allah. keep tryin):) Is ur wife having problems due to non-mehrams bein in the house??? If this is the case maybe she's right but if it breaks your mothers heart then i dont think it would be worth it! (maybe u could ask ur wife to compromise abit more!).  Or all 3 of u could sit down together and chat to each other about this problem (alternatively leave ur wife and mother in 1 rm for a few hours to decide wat would be the right way to go about it;)) take care

Re: Heart is torn between the love for two women.
Anonymous
12/10/01 at 23:59:35
Asalamalaikum, I'm a sister but I've been shocked by a lot of the advice given by the sisters on this board - pray what do you all think should happen to parents when kids are old enough to look after themselves or old enough to get married and have a wife look after them? Everyone's sayin mothers should let go etc well easier said than done when they've given up most of their life puttin you first and takin care of you - if this was a case where the mother was out working and child was mostly looked after by childminder etc, I'd say go ahead leave but if this woman put you first over herself for 20 odd years it's extremely selfish to just up and go unless there's serious mahrem issues. Of course everyone would prefer to live on their own with their husbands but if this is a must it needs to be emphasised BEFORE the marriage, takin into consideration other factors such as how many other siblings there are who may down the line also be able to help etc. Its also not just about aged parents needing to be looked after its about companionship too,parents deserve to be given that and also the pleasure of grandchildren too.  Its always difficult livin together but eventually compromises are reached and there are a lot of plus points too. Sorry if this is a bit of a rant but my mum was recently in hospital seriously ill, it made me realise that no-one, not even your spouse, children, best friends, job etc gives you that unconditional love and support that you get from your mum ALL of the time, no matter how tired she is, how upset, how ill, a mum's first thought is always of her child. One solution is for the mother to give up control of the household to the daughter-in-law if she wants them to stay with her - that way she gets to be with her kid and the daughter-in-law has her own home, and can do things her own way. Anyway, I apologise if I've offended anyone. brother inshAllah everyone will be makin dua for you in this blessed month and may Allah(swt)guide you,and all of us to that which pleases Him.

Re: Heart is torn between the love for two women.
uzma
12/11/01 at 00:56:46
Assalamualaikum, I couldn't resist posting in this thread.. Well, I have been married for just over a year and I only spent two months with my in-laws in India. I think it all boils down to how both women adapt to each other. Alhamdulillah my mother-in-law is a jewel! Ma sha Allah she is *known* in the community for never saying anything against anyone! Yes, so I entered the marriage with a real good opinion about her, so alhamdulillah I was not worried at all about having to adjust in her house. However, I discovered the key to living happily with each other is the degree of INTERFERENCE each party has with the other. In my case it worked beautifully, because my mother-in-law never interferred with anything my husband and I wanted to do together (and btw, he (only son in the family)  was home from overseas after a long gap too!). She really gave me a lot of space. Also, in my experience with parents-in-law, it's the respect you show towards them that matters the most. Yes, there will be times when you have to give in on some issues, (but hey they deserve it, they are our elders and in return we get their duas), but things can certainly work out really well if you try. Also, when you get along with your mother-in-law and respect her and all, somehow it does strenghthen your relationship with your husband too, in my opinion. For me, it's the sisters-in-law that are more challenging to deal with :-). (Ma sha Allah I have 3) especially when they have just one brother! But Alhamdulillah, once you win their hearts, it's easier :-). So all in all both parties should work it out. The attitude of the mother-in-law plays a major role. If she is the non-inteferring type, the daughter-in-law may not even feel the need to move! Just my two-pence. Uzma.

Re: Heart is torn between the love for two women.
tq
12/11/01 at 08:41:31
Assalamo elikuim Mashallah very nice post Sis.ANon. I agree 100% some points worth rereading "Is also not just about aged parents needing to be looked after its about companionship too,parents deserve to be given that and also the pleasure of grandchildren too.  Its always difficult livin together but eventually compromises are reached and there are a lot of plus points too." (for future mother-in-laws :)) "One solution is for the mother to give up control of the household to the daughter-in-law if she wants them to stay with her - that way she gets to be with her kid and the daughter-in-law has her own home, and can do things her own way." Things would be much easier if we put ourselves in our mother-in-law's positions- we will be in her positions it is only a matter of time may be after 20-25 years. Would we want to be all alone only talking to our kids and grandkids on the phone and maybe if we are lucky then seeing them on weekends? Not to say that mother-in-law shouldnt consider the rights of daughter-in-laws as mentioned by Sis.Anon. Wasalam tq

Re: Heart is torn between the love for two women.
Ayla_A
12/14/01 at 11:52:49
[slm] Okay, maybe it is me being raised in N. American culture, but what about the wife's family.  I know that there is a significant amount of favoritism to the boys in many other cultures.  I know that I have a very good relationship with my mom and why is it that a mother has to give up her daughter, but she doesn't have to give up her son? Yes as I said in a previous post that of course if the parents are aging or not able to get out much to visit and such, then of course it is much better if you can live nearby or even in the same apartment complex whatever.   I guess I just find it ironic that the boys stay with their mothers and the daughters leave the house, cause usually it would be much easier for a daughter and mother to share a house than it would be for a MIL and a DIL to share a house. Just my 2 cents [wlm] Ayla

Re: Heart is torn between the love for two women.
abdulsamad
12/14/01 at 12:00:37
Assalamu 'Alaikum,             Where I come from (Sri Lanka) the groom goes to live in the brides residence. So which one is islamically correct? Or is either one ok? Wassalam

Re: Heart is torn between the love for two women.
amal
12/14/01 at 12:44:05
slm, [quote] I guess I just find it ironic that the boys stay with their mothers and the daughters leave the house, cause usually it would be much easier for a daughter and mother to share a house than it would be for a MIL and a DIL to share a house. [/quote] Exactly my thoughts!! Thanks for bringing that up Ayla. I think both sides love their parents and each one is *responsible* in front of Allah[swt] to take care of their own. After all, next to belief in Allah[swt] is being good to your parents.And that is something that applies to both son *and* daughter. I'm an only child, and when i marry,insha'Allah, i want my parents living with me.I'd rather stay single than neglect those who have sacrificed much in their lives so that i can have a good life.I could never repay them for their kindness,love, and sacrifices.Alhamdulillah for His blessings. [color=blue] Thy Lord hath decreed that ye worship none but Him, and that ye be kind to parents. Whether one or both of them attain old age in thy life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honour. And, out of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility, and say: "My Lord! bestow on them thy Mercy even as they cherished me in childhood." Your Lord knoweth best what is in your hearts: If ye do deeds of righteousness, verily He is Most Forgiving to those who turn to Him again and again (in true penitence). Qur'an(17:23-25) [/color]

Re: Heart is torn between the love for two women.
tq
12/14/01 at 12:30:57
Assalamo elikuim " Where I come from (Sri Lanka) the groom goes to live in the brides residence. So which one is islamically correct? Or is either one ok?  " I think both are OK as long as neither parents are not left alone to take care of themselves. Wasalam tq

Re: Heart is torn between the love for two women.
Barr
12/15/01 at 08:30:10
Assalamu'alaikum :-) [quote] I guess I just find it ironic that the boys stay with their mothers and the daughters leave the house, cause usually it would be much easier for a daughter and mother to share a house than it would be for a MIL and a DIL to share a house. [/quote] It's interesting how the thread has a way of directing itself :) I was just talking about this with my parents during iftar. We were talking about the house, and how we may have to move to a smaller place in a couple of years time, transference of house ownership, yada yada yada.... And my mom was saying about how she prefers to stay with her own daughter rather than her daughter-in-law, and that, if the house is transferred to my brother's name, then, what if he got married, and his wife wants to stay seperately... and she was hinting abt me taking over the house.... (OK, OK, this may be confusing, when one doesn't know the whole story).... And I felt honoured, but I felt sad too. Coz, I said, "Ibu, when I get married, I have to be with my husband..." And I knew the point when I said that, my mom lowered her eyes, and she was really sad by that fact. I felt like crying, but I controlled my tears. Especially, when she said "well, it's OK, then, we'll just have to rent a one-room flat" jokingly. My dad told my mom, daughter-in-law or son-in-law, there's no difference to that. He, on the other hand, prefers that he lives together with my mum, and not be a burden, living with his married children, saying that he prefers if his children are happy, and maybe, there'll be less conflicts and all marriages would have conflicts and problems, and it may be awkward if he is there. He prefers us to settle our problems ourselves, rather than him meddling in it. But I just got sooo sad, about leaving my parents, eventually cried when I was alone in the kitchen, washing the dishes. I left my parents once, when I went abroad studying, and it's sad, to know, that one day, I would have to leave them again. Well, maybe there's hikmah, why I didn't get married straight after graduation. Allahua'lam. I thought of Br Hanif and his situation. Maybe, it's more difficult on my parents part, as in the Malay culture too, daughters usually stay with their own parents rather than with their husband's family. (ie. unless, they (daughter and husband) stay on their own). Just as it is more difficult for Br Hanif, since your culture is the opposite from mine. Subhanallah, it's Eid tommorrow, and I'm not even getting married yet! All this sadness! Sorry, I'm not sure how this has contributed to the thread, but Br Hanif, I somewhat feel the dilema that you are facing. OK, gotta go now... need to do some cleaning up for tommorrow. Eid Mubarak everyone :-) Thanx for listening :) Wassalam

Re: Heart is torn between the love for two women.
BUSHRA
12/17/01 at 14:03:45
ASSALAMOALIKUM, WELL THIS IS A TRICKY PROBLEM FOR ANY MAN TO FACE BUT LET ME POINT OUT ONE THING THATS BEEN OVERLOOKED: ISLAMICALLY SPEAKING IT IS THE RIGHT OF A WIFE TO HAVE HER OWN RESIDENCE SEPERATE FROM HER INLAWS IF SHE WISHES WHICH IN LAYMAN'S TERMS MEANS, A KITCHEN , A BATH AREA AND A BEDROOM WHER THE INLAWS CANNOT COME WIHOUT HER PERMISSION ALSO THE INLAWS SHOULD NOT INTERFERE WITH HOW SHE RUNS HER HOUSEHOLD OR HOW SHE RAISES HER KIDS (AS LONG AS ITS NOT UNISLAMIC).THEY SHOULDBE KIND AND COURTEOUS TO HER. SIMILARLY IT IS ALSO UPON THE WIFE TO RESPECT AND BE KIND TOWARDS HER INLAWS AND TREAT THEM IN THE WAY SHE WOULD WANT HER HUBAND TO TREAT HER PARENTS.ALSO SHE IS NOT REQUIRED TO COOK OR CARE FOR HER INLAWS BUT IF SHE DOES THEN OBVIOUSLY SHE WILL BE GREATLY REWARDED FOR IT. Personally speaking I have grown up in a house hold where my grandmother lived with us (my dad's an only son) and i dont think it was easy for my mum.After Igot married Ilived with my inlaws for a year and then moved into our own house but we live in the sme area and theyre about five minutes walk apart so he can visit them any time he likes and we go with the kids atleast 5 times a week and spend our saturdays there so you see it can work out in this way without having to compromise for either party.Also Ido think bro.Hanif if your spouse and mother dont get along that well then it is best NOT to force them into one roof because that way the respect will be lost between them and also you wouldnt want your children to grow up in this sort of tension. Also if you truly care for your mother(im sure that u do) help her out with her chores and activities as much as you can like taking her to the doctor,washing the dishes or vacuming the house,take her out for a nice meal it will give both ur wife and your mother time to relax.I often see brothers saying that they would never desert their parent by leaving them when they get married but often they are not the ones who then helps out with daily things intead the wife is expected to do those things on their behalf when it isnt clearly their duty. We are all entitled to take care of our parents ONLY. On the day of judgement we will carry our burdens alone ....mothers will be judged on how they raised their children, husbands on how well they treated their wives , and wives on how loyal and grateful they were to their husbands and children on how obedient they were to their parents. May ALLAH forgive me if I've said anything wrong and Iam sorry if I offended anyone nad also brother I hope that INSHALLAH your problem gets solved.
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