Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| How can I tell it my family? |
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| Tasnim |
| 12/17/01 at 11:48:06 |
| Hello, two weeks ago I converted to islam. my problem: how can I tell it my mother and my aunt without offending them. I'm sure they won't be happy for my decision. They are the only relatives I have and I don't want to loss the contact to them. Does anyone have an advice? How did you solve this problem? Regards from Germany Tasnim |
| Re: How can I tell it my family? |
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| NewJehad |
| 12/17/01 at 12:13:49 |
| hmmm As you are german its not that tough with you. there isnt any bad blood between germans and muslims as they have fought in the same side in all the wars that i can remember. I have had some friends who have had a trough time, but they were from cultures that have been at war with Muslims. I think best way is to tell them straight. Allah hu alim, may be they will be OK with it. some people celabrate when their kid becomes Muslim. most be don't dont care either either way. I think you are older then most converts, so i dont think your family will think you have been dragged astray, i think they know you know what you are doing? |
| Re: How can I tell it my family? |
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| humble_muslim |
| 12/17/01 at 14:17:49 |
| AA Dearest Sister Tasnim, First of all welcome to Islam and welcome to the board. Now that you are a muslim, you can feel that you are a sister to each and everyone of us, and that we all love you for the sake of Allah. Please feel free to post ANY questions you have about Islam, and we will try our best to answer them! One piece of advice I have for you (and other muslims on this board) is NOT to get bogged down into arguments about the confusing state of affairs that is heppening in the world right now. Since you just converted, it will be of very little benefit to get into these things. As for your question, I think you need to be straightforward with them eventauuly. That does not mean right now, but when the time is right. And only you can judge what time that is. And get in touch with Eleanor, who is our German resident on the board. And BTW, where are you hiding Eleanor ????? Your brother in Islam, Hamayoun PS I have a cousin called Tasnim! |
| NS |
| Re: How can I tell it my family? |
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| akbalkhan |
| 12/17/01 at 14:33:26 |
| As Salamu Alayka, Tasnim, All praise is due to Allah for your reversion to al Islam! Regarding your 'problem.' There is no problem really. Assuming you are old enough and mature enough, and your relationship with your aunt and mother are strong, insha'Allah (as Allah wills), they will back your decision. However, in al Islam, your age and maturity really do not matter, just for the sake of discussing on a level that may be relevant to your situation. Be sure to approach the subject as making them aware of 'your' decision, and try not to appear half-hearted, or concilliatory about your choice. Try to mention, in no particular order, and with as much of your own words and feelings as possible, that the recent events and controversies surrounding al Islam have nothing to do with your choice, as you do not plan to espouse any of the dangerous and isolating views that the media has portrayed as Islamic. Try to express to them the appeal that the devotion to worship of one God has for you, and how well Muslims are expected to treat their families and neighbors. You could mention how comprehensive al Islam is in granting anyone the discipline to go through life and make decisions and choices based upon the untainted and righteous lives of prophets and messengers of God that all monotheistics faiths recognize as right living. If your aunt and mother are Christian, let them know that you wish to pray as Isa (Jesus) prayed, alayhis salam, with his face upon the ground-as is quoted in the Bible; let them know if they are Jewish, that you wish to fear God as Musa (Moses), alayhis salam, feared, by obeying whatever message comes confirming the sacred texts, as Muhammed, salallahu alayhis wa salam, brought; and if they are atheist, tell them that you wish to open your heart and eyes to the things in this world that cannot be explained by science and technology, such as the next life, and the worlds that are beyond our sight and hearing. Understand that perhaps nothing you could say in your first encounters with your mother and aunt can ameliorate any apprehensions they have initially. Their view of al Islam and you are going to be reciprocal of your new behaviour and actions, and so your rectification of bad habits, your embodiment of better deeds, in their eyes, will all he because of your recent decision. You must behave impeccably in order to convince them of the right decision you have made. Not that you have to put on a show, but unfortunately for reverts who live among non-Muslim families, the amount of oppression you could feel, and stress it could cause could be adverse to your sensing the beauty that al Islam has, and a smooth transition to the Straight Path. Try to read as much as you can, and do not be afraid if you cannot answer all of their questions right away. If they are really concerned, try to put them in contact with older muslims in the community, especially people who may have business or political standing in your neighborhood. Bring your moms and aunt along to an Islamic function to give them a taste. One of the things that many parents may appreciate about their children reverting to al Islam or revamping their practice of the right adab (respect), is modesty. If you are a sister, your mom and aunt may approve most with your decision to cover yourself, and this may be a point of commonality. If you can think of any issues on behaviour or belief that your family has raised with you, that coincide with how al Islam addresses the same issues, then that could be a good place to start. Insha'Allah, above all else, remain steadfast. Regards, QAK |
| Re: How can I tell it my family? |
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| Anonymous |
| 12/17/01 at 15:29:34 |
| You should give them the book Daughters of Another Path. I can't remember the author right now, but it is a great book. A Christian woman wrote it after her daughter converted to Islam. She wrote it to kind of help herself and other parents understand their children's choice. I gave it to my mother and I also spoke with a man who had given it to his mother and it helped her a lot to understand him eventhough it is written about daughters. I never came out and told my mother that I converted. I just took every oppertunity I could to tell her things about Islam and then I gave her that book and let her know when I was going to the Mosque and explained to her why we fast for Ramadan and slowly she realized I had converted, but I never had to deal with trying to find the words to tell her. |
| Re: How can I tell it my family? |
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| Tasnim |
| 12/18/01 at 08:27:31 |
| Salam, thanks you all for your warm wellcome on this board. The problem my mother has is that she has too much fantasy! She is thinking in cathegories like Betty Mahmoudis book "Not without my daughter"... All muslims seem to be false, hostile and so on... and now I am one of them! My family is not religious and it is hard to them to imagine what happened to me... Every sign of changing my lifestyle is a reason to be concerned in their eyes. No alc, no pork ... They just wonder what is going on with me. I think there is def. no cure against prejudices. But this is which frustrates me! Enough of lamentation Aleikum Assalam Tasnim |
| Re: How can I tell it my family? |
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| Sabr |
| 12/18/01 at 09:18:49 |
| Assalamu 'alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuhu...Tasnim! Mabrook on your conversion! May Allah (Subhanna wa ta'ala) shower you with Blessings, shade you with Grace and forever protect you as you travel along the Straight Path! ~Amin! Masha'Allah, there is a lot of excellent advice in this thread! My mother is German (from Hamburg), and she thought the same as your mother when I told her that I converted. The only thing she knew about Islam and Muslims was from that terrible movie, Not without My Daughter, and from some bad experiences that her girlfriends had with "temporary marriages" (na 'udhu billah). There may not be any "bad blood" between Germans and Muslims...but I know that there is a lot of stereotyping against landed immigrants, which unfortunately translates into a lot of negative attitudes towards Muslim Turks, Iranians, Kosovars, etc...So it can be hard being a Muslim in Germany...even more so if you are converting. Getting my mom to understand was a long process, and had to be repeated when I started covering. Alhamdulillah both she and my father now accept me and my religion (daddy asked for a Qur'an for Christmas!!!). All I did was explain to them what Islam was all about, and once they saw me living Islam, they were able to see what a wonderfully peaceful and awesome religion it is! It took a lot of energy, time and patience. It may seem like an impossible dream now, but insha'Allah one day your parents will see the beauty of Islam. You will need a lot of patience, and all the dua'as you can get from the people on this board, and from your friends at home, insha'Allah. Perhaps you can appeal to your mom's logical side. Show her what it was about Islam that caused you to convert. Take the focus away from the "Arab stereotype" and perhaps focus on other areas in the Muslim world. Like when you are giving an example about how Muslims live, use closer geographical references, like Bosnia... I know my mom fell in love with the country when she traveled through the former Yugoslavia, and it calmed her down significantly when she began associating Islam with Europe, instead of Asia or Arabia. Simply because it is "closer to home." hehehe...and I know what you mean about a huge change in family lifestyle, "What do you mean no more liverwurst?!?! No frankfurters either?!?! Ach du lieber!" I pray that one day you and your family will find peace and happiness, insha'Allah. Take care and don't give up! fee aman'Allah, ~Sabr ps..."Daughters of Another Path" by Carol L. Anway, Yawna Publications, 1996 |
| Re: How can I tell it my family? |
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| NewJehad |
| 12/18/01 at 09:29:37 |
| I asked a Iranian friend of mine about that mahmoodi film. He told me it was a complete work of fiction (the words he used were a lot stronger). The thing is when you write a book or a story you need to make it intresting, real life often does not make good entertainment so the truth is sacrificed. books are only publish successfully when people are willing to buy them, so they need excitement. |
| Re: How can I tell it my family? |
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| Hania |
| 12/18/01 at 09:58:42 |
| slm dear Tasnim Congratualations on your conversion to Islam :) I am so sorry about the problems you are facing but Allhamdulliah there seems to be a lot of good advice here. You are facing a test from Allah. Testing the believers will vary. It may be mild and light or hard and exacting. [47:31] We will certainly put you to the test, in order to distinguish those among you who strive, and steadfastly persevere. We must expose your true qualities. In face of adversity or hardship, the true believers are expected to submit. We are being tested to see if we are truly submitters or not, whether we submit to God during the bad times and the good times or not. God gave us the correct solution in His book, the Quran. Submitting to God, means to accept whatever God has given us or taken away from us, to steadfastly persevere and to wait for God’s victory. Steadfastly persevere, and this is the greatest trait of the true believers. God promised those who steadfastly persevere great recompense. [30:60] Therefore, you shall steadfastly persevere - for GOD's promise is the truth - and do not be intimidated by those who have not attained certainty. wa'salam h. |
| Re: How can I tell it my family? |
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| Tasnim |
| 12/19/01 at 08:14:32 |
| Salam, @Sabr: there is always a difference between knowledge by hearing from others and own experience. @Newjehad: trash is more popular than the truth! These trash movies, novels... have the clear intention to proof prejudices! That!s all! @hania: Sorry, what do you wanna tell me? Maybe I'm a bit slowly, but I didn't get it! Aleikum Assalam Tasnim |
| Re: How can I tell it my family? |
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| Hania |
| 12/20/01 at 05:32:39 |
| slm Don't aplogise Sis Tasnim, I re-read what I wrote and it was confusing :) Actually everything I write is confusing! :) Basically when we suffer hardships in our lives these hardships are tests given to us by Allah. So at the moment you are facing a test trying to tell your mother you have embraced Islam. She is not Muslim and you may feel intimidated by her reaction towards your decision. But persevere with Islam, continue being a good muslim even if it means you are suffering or facing some sort of hardship from being a Muslim. Being a good Muslim is how we pass the tests of our life on earth. If we pass the test Allah will reward us. We may not see this reward in this life, but God Willing (Inshallah) we will be recompensed in the after life (after we die). Inshallah the reward is a place in paradise/heaven (jannah). [30:60] Therefore, you shall steadfastly persevere - for GOD's promise is the truth - and do not be intimidated by those who have not attained certainty. hope that explanation was a bit clearer. :) Wa'salam H. |
| Re: How can I tell it my family? |
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| eleanor |
| 12/20/01 at 07:02:51 |
| slm Okay...I've read through this thread and can identify with a lot of issues here. Firstly Humble - "I'm here!!" (waving frantically). It's so nice you noticed I was gone (temporarily.) I don't post for a week and you realise I'm not here... how nice :) Alhamdulillah, my mother came to stay for a long weekend. Alhamdulillah, I gave her an Eid Mubarak card and Islamic literature. Okay, Tasmin - this is my problem as well as yours. For anyone who thinks this isn't a problem, try living it. I still haven't told my mother I have converted. But I did some serious dawah over the weekend, and again she warned me about wearing hijab (!). To her it's a sign of oppression and it's demeaning. I told her I had met loads of sisters on the internet who describe wearing hijab as protection, security and freedom. Subject closed. Tasmin, my mother has only ever heard of bad experiences with Muslims. She saw "Not without my Daughter", read the book, and knows at least two people personally who had a very bad experience with a Muslim husband. So basically, to her, Islam is foreign, alien, threatening, frightening and oppressive. I am slowly working on pulling these untruths out of her mind. But it takes time. What is different in my situation and yours, is that my entire family still live in Ireland, and I live here in Germany. So they can't witness me living Islam on a day to day basis. Your mother and aunt will. If you decide to wear hijab, then it will affect them too, as they will deal with reactions from friends and neighbours. It may be embarassing to them if you wear the headscarf, because as you know, here in Germany the headscarf is associated with being an immigrant and generally a cleaning lady. Brother Jehad, the german opinion on Islam is one of intolerance and mistruth. Planning permission is rarely granted here to build a mosque, women are looked down on for wearing the scarf ("they should take it off, they're in Germany now...") and any book about Islam depicts Islam as being male elitist and oppressive. For example I picked up a book last week to browse through (A dictionary of Islam). It was on the bestseller shelf. I turned to the section on women. 20 hadiths from Muhammad on women. All negative. All oppressive. All without reference. GRRR :< ie Women should not sit uncovered with other women, in case the one describes the other to her husband. So Tasmin, back to you. The only advice I can offer you is to be gentle with your mother and aunt. Understand their misgivings and stick to what you believe in. Take it slowly. If this means not wearing hijab overnight, then take it easy. Wait until they are comfortable with the fact that you don't eat pork anymore, don't drink alcohol, read the Qur'an and pray. Be a private Muslim first. Get strong in your faith. Pray to Allah for strength. Pray to Allah for your mother and aunt. Ask his guidance. Ask that he keeps your feet firmly on the straight path, the one leading directly to him. I am still a private Muslim, and I'm not doing too badly. Above all, stay with this board. Be a regular member. If you have any questions, put them up here. And finally:... wenn du nicht verstanden hast, dann schickt mir eine Email. Erzähl mal wo du herkommst und wo du wohnst. Vielleicht wohnst du bei mir in der Naehe? Ich koennte eventuell auch deine Mutter oder Tante kennenlernen und dabei helfen, dass du es verkraftest Ihnen zu erzaehlen dass du jetzt Muslim bist? Macht's gut... wasalaam eleanor :) |
| Re: How can I tell it my family? |
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| akbalkhan |
| 12/20/01 at 09:22:49 |
| As Salamu Alayka, Eleanor, since it appears you were responding directly to me when you wrote: Okay, Tasmin - this is my problem as well as yours. For anyone who thinks this isn't a problem, try living it. Since I said that there really was no problem, let me respond by saying, I did live it, and it is not pleasant. I had no idea that Sr. Tasnim was a Sr. so I tryed to be as general as possible. It is especially hard to go through life 'looking' like a Muslim, whether you are a guy who follows sunnah, or a gal who obey the hijab command. I lost a job over it, as well as face discriminations every day in little ways. To Tasnim: We should all try to model our behaviour on the people who followed best the laws of Allah SWT and the Rasoolullah, salallahu alayhi wa salam. Those people who we have the clearest account of, and are closer to us in iman and taqwa are the sahaba and tabi'in, RA. Many of them had to face great torture and oppression for exposing their al-Islam to others, including their own family members. This was a sign of the height of their iman, or faith. I do not know you, Eleanor or Tasnim, but I know how much courage it takes to be Muslim and to not be afraid of showing it, and Allah SWT is the perfect judge of what is apparent and hidden. But I would not advise someone to fall short of a greater reward or benefit by keeping their Deen from others from fear of them, in place of fear from ALlah SWT. There is a great reward in any suffering you incur from obeying Allah SWT in the midst of oppression from those who would try to keep you from obedience. And coming from someone who has 'lived it' I can tell you that there are no regrets in following what your heart tells you when it comes to enjoining obedience and deen by allowing others the chance to see you do it. I apologize for turning this post into a defensive message, and possibly detracting from time spent only encouraging you. Regards, QAK |
| Re: How can I tell it my family? |
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| NewJehad |
| 12/20/01 at 13:08:48 |
| slm tasnim, You don't have any thing to worry about, I think your too old to be hit? They might not like the idea of you becoming Muslim and might see it as making life difficult for your self. But I don't think they will disown you? That is some thing very rare and only happens in certain communities. The only people who I know this to have happened to are people from communities that have had or are having wars with Muslims, and even amoung them it is very rare. and all the people I know it to have happened to, only happened for s short while, and now are happily united The worse that would probably happen is a few comments and long lectures to try and disuade you. |
| Re: How can I tell it my family? |
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| Anik |
| 12/20/01 at 15:19:12 |
| asalamau alaikum, My opinion is, if you are old enough, be confident and be strong to make your decisions known, because there is no better time and as adults, your mothe rand aunt will not change their outlooks tomorrow unless they are shown by Allah SWT. If you are younger, be resilent to opposition, be steadfast in your will to grow up as a muslimah and an Islamic and virtuous adult. Hold fast the rope of Allah SWT. 4 words: Trust in Allah Subhana. After this, you need no better advice from me. asalaamu alaikum. abdullah,. |
| Re: How can I tell it my family? |
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| Tasnim |
| 12/21/01 at 00:45:21 |
| Salam, @Anik Your are right! I'm 37 years old! ;-) aleikum assalam Tasnim |
| Re: How can I tell it my family? |
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| se7en |
| 12/21/01 at 01:02:05 |
| as salaamu alaykum / peace be upon you, Physical assault and being disowned are not the only concerns a person would have when telling their family about converting. It is *very* difficult to know that you are choosing something that makes people you love unhappy, or that you are part of something they disapprove of. It's not a situation we should look at lightly. Tasnim, welcome to the board and welcome to the faith of 1.6 billion people :) May Allah guide you and grant you strength in this time :) I think there's been some great advice given so far, as to how you can kind of lessen the shock of letting them know. As was said, it's important to let them know *why* you've made this decision, what it is about Islam that you find beautiful and right. And also, there will always be some people that may not accept it, or may not be happy with your conversion. When this is the case, it's important to remind yourself *why* you've chosen to do this, what it is you've found in Islam that is right for you. And also to keep in mind that your happiness and your relationship with God are more important than what *anyone* else thinks. [url=http://www.jannah.org/cgi-bin/yabb/YaBB.pl/YaBB.pl?board=sisters&action=display&num=2111&start=0]Here[/url] is an older thread I found. It's not about converting, but it talks about a woman making a decision that her mother would not be happy with (putting on the hijab - or the modest clothing Muslim women wear). I think there is some excellent advice in there, if you'd like to look through it. I hope this is of help. Please do let us know if you have any questions.. take care :) wasalaamu alaykum. ps - Just looking through this thread, there are *a lot* of Arabic terms in here! Maybe some of you guys can translate? |
| Re: How can I tell it my family? |
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| se7en |
| 12/21/01 at 02:36:54 |
| as salaamu alaykum, Here are some other older threads that are really good :) (Not all related to your situation, but there's some good stuff in there I thought you'd like to read) [*] [url=http://www.jannah.org/cgi-bin/yabb/YaBB.pl/YaBB.pl?board=sisters&action=display&num=460]Converting to Islam[/url] [*] [url=http://www.jannah.org/cgi-bin/yabb/YaBB.pl/YaBB.pl?board=sisters&action=display&num=1296]Question for Recent (or Not so Recent) Converts[/url] [*] [url=http://www.jannah.org/cgi-bin/yabb/YaBB.pl/YaBB.pl?board=sisters&action=display&num=2312]The Hardest Part of Islam?[/url] |
| Re: How can I tell it my family? |
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| Tasnim |
| 12/21/01 at 07:43:04 |
| Salam se7ven I think it is best if I try to explain the philosophical background of islam to my mother first. This was what made me embrassing Islam! Hopefully she will understand my decision, insha'Allah. I'll talk to her about rules later... aleikum assalam Tasnim |
| Re: How can I tell it my family? |
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| eleanor |
| 12/21/01 at 11:36:15 |
| slm I didn't mean to sound harsh in my first post. It's was just that some of the posts (*none* in particular) sounded kind of dismissive of the problem at hand, and I wanted Tasnim to know that I recognize the enormity of the problem. That's all. Just offering a little solidarity. So please forgive me if I offended anybody. Time to practice biting my tongue again! Subhan Allah! I just re read my old thread (hardest parts of Islam). Funny to imagine I was like that back then. Subhan Allah! I have learned and changed and grown *so* much since then! Alhamdulillah! Tasnim, that's a good idea, to discuss the philosophy with your mother. Insha Allah, she will see the logic behind it and the light in your eyes as you describe it to her... :) wasalaam eleanor |
| Re: How can I tell it my family? |
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| Tasnim |
| 12/24/01 at 01:52:49 |
| Salam, @eleanor I had the idea to talk about the philosophy first and later about rules and laws, because i don't want to give her the impression that Islam is nothing more than a system of laws. Here in my area this is one of the most common prejudices... assalam aleikum Tasnim |
| Re: How can I tell it my family? |
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| siddiqui |
| 12/24/01 at 05:05:44 |
| assalam alikum and welcome to the family sr, May Allah accept and forgive you and all of us Ameen well the philosophy of the quraan is to make us realise realise the existince of Allah swt, and all his glory " (He is)the lord of two easts and the lord of two wests Then which of the blessings of your Lord will you both (jinns &men) deny? He has let loose the two seas(the salt water and sweet) meeting together. Between them is a barrier none of them can transgress. Then which of the blessings of your Lord will you both (jinns &men) deny? out of them both come out pearl and coral Then which of the blessings of your Lord will you both (jinns &men) deny?" Ar Rahman 17-23 " Say:'Travel in the land and see how Allah originated creation((seed-soil-plant -flower - fruit -seed- soil-)), and then Allah will bring forth(resurrect) the creation of Hearafter(i.e. resurrection after death) Verily Allah is able to do all things" al ankabut-20 There are three things i want to say 1) Have patience (sabr) even if the odds seem against you 2) Be nice and polite to your mother, even though she cant see your view point obey her always unless she commands you to go against islam (a practical change in ones life in the direction politeness kindness and humbleness speaks more than a 1000 words) 3) Pray ,make duaa , supplicate to Allah swt for he alone has control of the drawstrings of your familie's heart and he alone can change it May Allah make it easy for you sister wassalam siddiqui |
| Re: How can I tell it my family? |
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| Tasnim |
| 12/24/01 at 05:13:12 |
| Salam [quote] well the philosophy of the quraan is to make us realise realise the existince of Allah swt, and all his glory [/quote] I agree! [quote] There are three things i want to say 1) Have patience (sabr) even if the odds seem against you 2) Be nice and polite to your mother, even though she cant see your view point obey her always unless she commands you to go against islam (a practical change in ones life in the direction politeness kindness and humbleness speaks more than a 1000 words) 3) Pray ,make duaa , supplicate to Allah swt for he alone has control of the drawstrings of your familie's heart and he alone can change it May Allah make it easy for you sister wassalam siddiqui [/quote] I trust in God who will guide me on the right path! Aleikum assalam Tasnim |
| Re: How can I tell it my family? |
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| siddiqui |
| 12/25/01 at 03:23:27 |
| Inshallah You will be guided by Allah swt please dont worry sister |
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