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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| divorce/marriage? |
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| Anonymous |
| 03/07/02 at 06:05:09 |
| as-salamu alaikum i have a question regarding marriage and divorce. okay, so the situation is that someone has an engagement that is made halal by a nikkah but has not done anything else. and now both of the people involved in the situation realize that they have a great number of differences. from islamic ideology to academic issues to family expectations to cultural conceptions of what is good or bad. if one person wants to end the relationship, in this case the girl, is that a good thing? will she be saving them both problems in the long run? or is it just the whispers of shaitan trying to break up a couple that united seeking Allah's pleasure in the first place, wanting to help each other become better Muslims? and do you think that love can (with the help of Allah) conquer problems? because the guy thinks so but the girl doesn't. but they both feel that they do love each other. if you are a newlywed, is this normal? why is the girl thinking about breaking off the relationship to the point that she thinks about it every day? it is because the relationship should be ended or is it shaitan??? PLEASE help. was-salamu alaikum |
| Re: divorce/marriage? |
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| zomorrud |
| 03/07/02 at 07:51:57 |
| assalamu alaikum Insha'Allah one should always seek the pleasure of Allah [swt] when deciding to do something. I think you have a difficult situation on your hands, may Allah [swt] make it easy on you. Not withstanding your brief description of the differences that you are making you have second thoughts on your marriage (albeit you still don't live together), I will attempt not to oversimplify the matters while giving my 2 dirhams. As you said, you are being weary of the different perspectives you and your husband have on many issues, most importantly those pertaining to Islamic ideology. You also suspect that your thoughts of breaking off are fuelled by whispers of shaytaan who wants to break up 2 people who have sought each other in pursuit of Allah's pleasure. Indeed, the above two faces to the coin are confusing and unsettling. Have you asked yourself when you started questioning why you agreed to this marriage in the first place? Were you somehow coerced to make a decision in haste or were you at the time confident about it, given the outcome of your istikharah? Did you just find out about these differences after the contract? As I said in the beginning, I don't know the exact dynamics of the situation and have made certain assumptions - especially that you are not subject to physical or verbal abuse. Ukhti, if you can just strip the whole thing down to just 1-3 reasons that made you second guess yourself about continuing, then deal with these objectively. Consider yourself an outsider giving advice to someone who came to you with the same dilemma. What advice would you give that person based on the facts, without taking sides? A marriage is one of the greatest amanahs [trusts] that one is tested upon. To break it is to commit the most detested halal act in the eyes of Allah [swt]. I am not against divorce when all other avenues of relationship reformation have been exhausted. I just worry that you have not given yourself time to go through those. It is very painful to do so initially, I can imagine, because you would be wrought with feelings of 'I know this will not work, I am just prolonging my agony'. But if you make your intentions sincere to Allah that you are going through it to gain His pleasure and 'conquer' satanic thoughts, then insha'Allah there will be great ajr in the attempt alone. Don't prejudge anything. Try to save your marriage as long as you think the benefits of salvaging it outwight breaking it. Be your own marriage counsellor- if this is something you can do, and bi'ithnillah you can. Maybe right now you need some personal time/space to think about these issues. It is very hard to do probably at this stage, but give it a try. Increase your nafl prayers, dua and istighfar now more than any time to expel shaytan from your thinking space. Admittedly we know that everyone's shaytaan is like the blood that runs in our veins - they are with us constantly, but we are trying to neutralize them and minimise, if not eliminate, their effect(s) on our thoughts and actions. Any married couple will tell you that the first few months to a year of marriage is the most trying period. Patience and perseverance are mandatory prerequisites here! But one also should not enter a marriage having too much worry about personal differences. Don't plunge into things hoping that they would later resolve themselves. Give yourself time and space and clarify your intentions, and insha'Allah Allah [swt] will be with you and guide you. Take care Wassalam |
| NS |
| 03/07/02 at 07:56:38 |
| zomorrud |
| Re: divorce/marriage? |
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| Caraj |
| 03/07/02 at 14:05:29 |
| [quote author=Anonymous link=board=madrasa;num=1015499110;start=0#0 date=03/07/02 at 06:05:09]as-salamu alaikum i have a question regarding marriage and divorce. okay, so the situation is that someone has an engagement that is made halal by a nikkah but has not done anything else. and now both of the people involved in the situation realize that they have a great number of differences. from islamic ideology to academic issues to family expectations to cultural conceptions of what is good or bad. if one person wants to end the relationship, in this case the girl, is that a good thing? will she be saving them both problems in the long run? [/quote] WOW what a situation to be in. As someone married before and now recently re-married but however a Non-Muslim I think at the very very least waiting much longer before getting married will most likley prevent a divorce. You mentions ... NOT... one area of difference but ...several and all in my opionion very important issues. I certainly would at the very least do alot of praying and ask the man for more time to work such issues out. BELIEVE ME I truly feel it is best to work on things while apart ( on the outside sort to speak) and having a mind that it not in the middle of it. zomorrod made what I feel is a very aqurate statement in the first year is the most trying period. Why start it if you already have issues. Think of marriage as like going to a perfectly clean new home AND problems and difference one already has as ... trash. (no disrespect mean) The question is this ... would you bring trash into a new, clean home? When in doubt ... prayer and time are best friends |
| 03/07/02 at 14:08:06 |
| Caraj |
| Re: divorce/marriage? |
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| jannah |
| 03/07/02 at 15:10:16 |
| [slm] Anonymous, I'd really suggest you speak to other married friends, esp if you know any newlyweds. I just heard from one and it is seriously difficult adjusting to marriage. I mean you're two totally different people and now you have to compromise and adjust to alot of things, and not living together makes things alot worse. I think talking to other sisters will give you perspective and they can help you decide if these are just wedding jitters/adjustment problems or serious issues....so i wouldn't recommend giving up just yet inshallah ! |
| Re: divorce/marriage? |
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| Marcie |
| 03/07/02 at 19:31:43 |
| [color=Teal] [slm] If you want to instant message me I might be able to help you out insha'Allah. [wlm] Marcie :-)[/color] |
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