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How do you mend arguments with your spouse?

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How do you mend arguments with your spouse?
Ruqayyah
03/13/02 at 18:16:16
[slm]

I was wondering about something. A muslim friend and I got into a "discussion" about a topic related to Islam, and we just could not see eye to eye. I had a more conservative opinion on the issue and they were more liberal about it. Since marriages are so much closer than friendships, I was wondering how do all of you out there who are married, when you argue w/ your spouse about something, how do you mend it? Especially if one of you is more "conservative" in their views?

Jazakallah khair :)

[wlm]
Ruqayyah

Re: How do you mend arguments with your spouse?
Kashif
03/13/02 at 21:41:54
You should read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus."

Excellent book. I need to review it one of these days insha'allah

Kashif
Wa Salaam
NS
Re: How do you mend arguments with your spouse?
Caraj
03/13/02 at 21:47:06
Can't help you with the arguement part, as my husband and I have yet
to argue, I kid you not. We have been married before
So  I quess we made all the mistakes in our first marriages   :D

I look forward on some replies as my husband and I are different in our views, I am more conservative and my husband thinks I am a little on the prim and proper side.   ::)


Something to remember, there isn't really all that much that is
worth agruing about. Serious. Life is too short to argue over silly thing.

Best way to mend an arguement     :-/  Don't have it  :-/
And if you must argue, ask yourself first, Is this of major importance or something silly?

OK board, I too would like to know how others handle it when one is more conservative than the other?
03/13/02 at 21:55:57
Caraj
Re: How do you mend arguments with your spouse?
siddiqui
03/13/02 at 23:55:15


[slm]
SUPRESS YOUR EGO AND APOLOGIZE
AND HEY BETTER MEAN IT  :)

DIFFRENT PEOPLE HAVE DIFFRENT VIEWS AND ONE NEEDS TO LEARN TO ACCEPT OTHERS VIEW EVEN IT DOSENT 'GEL' WITH THEIR OWN AS LONG AS IT IS'NT IN CONFLICT WITH THE BASIC TENNETS OF ISLAM AND ITS SHARIATH.

I THING THE FIRST STEP TOWARDS IT IS TO ACCEPT OTHERS ARE ENTITLED TO THEIR VIEWS
THE REST WILL FOLLOW INSHA ALLAH
[wlm]
03/14/02 at 00:01:29
siddiqui
Re: Othman and me make funny faces :0)
Jenna
03/14/02 at 17:44:20
Wa'alaikum Assalaam wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh

Us? We give each other some space for about 10 minutes, allowing ourselves to calm down, and then we start talking and appologizing.

Other ways we use, is to make Funny faces to one another to try to each other laugh and stop the argument, it does work LOL!  :-*  :-*

InshaAllah we are trying to get into the Habit of making Wud'u while angry as was the example of our beloved Preophet Muhammad  [saw]

And thats how we mend our arguments. Alhumdulilah after five years of marriage we hardly ever argue.......  :)  :)  :)

Your Sis in Islaam
Jenna  :-)
03/14/02 at 17:46:52
Jenna
Re: How do you mend arguments with your spouse?
Kathy
03/15/02 at 10:28:58
[slm]

I have been thinking about this topic for several days.

My husband and I argue alot.

It is true that one of us is much more "conserative" than the other.

Most of our "bad" arguements- by bad meaning we can not come to a mutually acceptable conclusion- is usually over cultural difference type issues.

I had thought in my pre-marriage questionaing I had addressed this issue- but alas there was a loop hole that I missed. This is a good reason to marry someone who fears Allah swt and has a strong knowledge of hadith and will not only profess it- but act on it also.

I like to use "Islamic reasoning" to define a settlement of an issue- it is always the best way to go.

Many times I have been wrong and I just needed to mature more in my knowledge.

I think the best way to mend is to apologize (if you are wrong) and not do it again. Although many  less than mature partners will "throw it in your face" again and again. In these cases- I will ask- do you really want to argue again?- and then walk away.

Last night we were arguing in the car- I was so angry when we got home I just sat in the car for over a half hour. (thinking about the hadith- to go sit- or lay down when angry)

When I finally went inside I just went straight to the bedroom and shut the door. Eventually he came in and made some small talk- which in a bratty way i just answered with the shortest reply I could. He then made a small compliment  and left.

Sure he did not apologize in the formal sense, but in his own way -he did.




NS
Re: How do you mend arguments with your spouse?
Caraj
03/15/02 at 11:00:08
Like I said earlier, life is to short.

I would suggest, limit and pick your battles.

NEVER part company nor go to sleep angry.

Children learn by example, so discuss disagreements in
a way you would want them to do with their future spouses.

Kind of like cooking, heat to a certain degrees makes for some really yummy stuff, but after a certain temp causes some REALLY YUKKY stuff.

If you truly love your spouse, treat your time together as it will be the last, cause you truly never know if it just might be.

I once took my sons who were fighting to the window, I asked them to look out. Then I said, you see that, that is the outside, the outside world unfortunatly can be a cold and cruel place, but in here, our home, our family, should always be a welcomed retreat away from such things. Home and family should be a place of love, kindness and comfort. I said to them, NOW let's stop this fighting.

Before you argue, try to rememeber, your marriage is a place of love, kindness and comfort.  :-/

Just my  .02 cents  
03/15/02 at 11:01:38
Caraj
Re: How do you mend arguments with your spouse?
AyeshaZ
03/15/02 at 13:38:57

Aslamu Alykum Wa RhamatuAllah,

he he how were finals?? I hope you did well and hope to see you soon :-*

One of the Most beautiful things I heard one of my ukhti's tell me was that before she got married, they made a promise never to argue with each other. Alhamdulliah, they have kept the promise alive!! and inshaAllah it stays that way. Although, your question is directed towards married couples but one thing that i have seen and learned is that stupid arguments are worth nothing, you just loose respect for eachother.
And once respect is lost there is nothing left.  

Waslamu Alykum
Re: How do you mend arguments with your spouse?
Ruqayyah
03/17/02 at 02:05:38
[slm]

Ayesha, alhamdulilah finals are over and done with! yay!! It's nice to be on break  :-X

Mashallah, that's amazing to see couples out there who never fight. Although i think it's prolly pretty normal and common to fight every now and then.   It makes me think of that movie, The Story of Us. It's a really realistic movie about marriage and how you have to work at it everyday(like i would know, since i'm married-j/k). I definitely recommend it :)

[wlm]

Ruqayyah
Re: How do you mend arguments with your spouse?
nouha
03/17/02 at 15:30:40
[slm]

im not married, but i have read the Muslim Marriage Guide (dont ask why) and it gives some pretty good hints on arguments and such...

actually some of you have allready mentioned some good points thats also in the book

[wlm]
nouha:)
Re: How do you mend arguments with your spouse?
Al-Basha
03/17/02 at 16:49:59
[slm]

Well I'm not married either, but someone once told me that if spouses do not argue then there is a problem.  Of course I wasn't elaborated as to what kind of problem this would be.

Allahu A3laam

I like the advice caraj gave on the world outside/inside. Very deep masha Allah.
Re: How do you mend arguments with your spouse?
Kashif
03/17/02 at 21:58:36
[quote author=nouha link=board=madrasa;num=1016061376;start=0#9 date=03/17/02 at 15:30:40] im not married, but i have read the Muslim Marriage Guide (dont ask why) [/quote]

Yeah, one of our speakers was noting that its usually the unmarried brothers and sisters who have read the most books on marriage! LOL!
NS
Re: How do you mend arguments with your spouse?
nouha
03/18/02 at 11:57:46
[slm]

AINT THAT THE TRUTH LOL!!!!

[wlm]

nouha:)
Re: How do you mend arguments with your spouse?
Caraj
03/18/02 at 15:04:41
[quote author=Al-Basha link=board=madrasa;num=1016061376;start=0#10 date=03/17/02 at 16:49:59] [slm]

Well I'm not married either, but someone once told me that if spouses do not argue then there is a problem.  Of course I wasn't elaborated as to what kind of problem this would be.
[/quote]

I don't doubt this the case sometimes but it is not so always.
My husband and I for instance are 37 and 40, we've been married before.
We knew what we did and didn't want this time around.
We laugh and joke a lot.  We have yet to have an arguement. Now we have been angry at someone or something and and when the other is angry about something, we laugh at each other   :-/

I'm not saying we agree on everything, but we have not had a fight, arguement.  For instance I don't like action, shoot'em up type movies. He does, when he has one on I simply leave the room, I have told him this is not entertainment to me. Why would I want to see people hurt?
I don't huff and puff, I just quietly leave the room and go do something else. A movie is no reason to cause an arguement with someone I Love.
Once he realizes I'm out of the room he changes it
               :-/ Guess he rather be with me than watch the show  :-/

I told him in a loving way I don't consider violence to be entertainment nor will I pay to see it.  Guess what???  After months of being loving, respectful and such yet keeping to what I believe in my heart is right, this week-end he mentioned selling his violent type movies, the ones he has bought and collected over the years.   :-[  I asked him why and told him he didn't have to, he said that likes watching things with me and since I won't watch them he didn't need them.  

To the wives and husbands out there, life is way to short to argue with the one you love. Argueing is such a waste of energy. Now don't get me wrong, if there was something that would be very detrimental or harmful to my spouse you better believe I would argue and argue good I would   ;D
But only after I had built up the facts of why. Pick your battles, don't sweat the petty stuff, and remember your homes and marriages should be a place of refuge, security and comfort. If you do this I would be willing to bet
arguements would be few and far between.

OK... OK    :P I know that was more than my .02 cents worth

Cara  >>>>>>> quietly steps off her soap box and grins   ;D

The audience>>>>>>> wipes their brow thanking    ::)   God/Allah she is finally done and the rounds are on her   []   []   []   []   []
Re: How do you mend arguments with your spouse?
M.F.
03/19/02 at 07:47:27
Assalamu alaikum,

An apology and a hug and smiles always work :)

But we haven't argued in a very long time al hamdu lillah.
I don't think there's anything wrong.  It's just so much nicer to be friends :)  And sometimes I feel it's better to decide I'm not going to fight something, it's just not worth it.  
Re: How do you mend arguments with your spouse?
BrKhalid
03/19/02 at 09:23:56
Asalaamu Alaikum ;-)

[quote]..and remember your homes and marriages should be a place of refuge, security and comfort [/quote]

I love this sentence. Methinks you should be writing a marriage guide Cara ;-)


As for arguments with spouses Sr Ruqayyah, I think the manner in which you disagree in all types of arguments [not just between husband and wife] has a lot of bearing on the argument itself.


[quote] An apology and a hug and smiles always work[/quote]

And lots of chocolate ;-)
Re: How do you mend arguments with your spouse?
Kathy
03/19/02 at 09:56:02
[slm]

:)Al humdullillah I am so happy that Caraj , MF, and Jenna and many other sisters have such wonderful husbands. It is truley a blessing to have husbands who are sensitive to their wives and wives who are sensitive to them.

:(There are many sisters who have husbands that are selfish, mean and just plain miserable.

I have read many marriage books that include topics of the couple being a comfort, to pick your battles and how to walk away.

;)The book I want to read is "How to Handle/Live with the Difficult Husband." Let's hear the advice on how to handle the irrational arguments, or the ones where nothing is settled and he just walks out of the house. How to handle the fear of his violent rage and the isolation of the family and community. The arguements that belitle the mother infront of her children.

:PHow does the women who has no shoes and winter coat convince her husband that the CD burner he purchased was not the best choice?

:PWhat does the woman say when the husband brings dinner for himself but not his family, or refuses to be bothered to take his children to the masjid for Jummah salat?

:PHow does she go to the Imam for help- when her husband has two faces?- and basically the problems are not so bad in the big picture of life, but makes her life miserable?

:'(How does she handle the lack of love, respect and support from her husband when he mearly looks upon her as a cook and housekeeper? Or he wants her to be the bread winner?

:-)These are just some of the problems I see. I have been around a long time- I have seen so many miserable marriages. Perhaps because I try to surround myself with good women I just see and hear about the "bad" husbands.

It is easy to pass out advice when you have a good husband and have not fealt the wrath and insensitivity and ignorance of a poor one.

:-)

Re: How do you mend arguments with your spouse?
AyeshaZ
03/19/02 at 12:13:02
Asalamu Alykum  :-X

Nouhaaa: I love that book, ha ha i gave that book to one of my friends and she never returned it and subhaAllah shortly after she got engaged and now she is getting married  ;D
Ruqayyah no I have not seen that movie but inshaAllah i am gonna tell sanjida to rent it and we can have a sisters party at her place he he :-X  you know she will rent it!!!!

Waslamu Alykum
03/19/02 at 12:14:14
AyeshaZ
Re: How do you mend arguments with your spouse?
Caraj
03/19/02 at 12:43:32
[quote author=Kathy link=board=madrasa;num=1016061376;start=15#16 date=03/19/02 at 09:56:02] [slm]

:)Al humdullillah I am so happy that Caraj , MF, and Jenna and many other sisters have such wonderful husbands. It is truley a blessing to have husbands who are sensitive to their wives and wives who are sensitive to them.

:(There are many sisters who have husbands that are selfish, mean and just plain miserable.

It is easy to pass out advice when you have a good husband and have not fealt the wrath and insensitivity and ignorance of a poor one.

[/quote]

Kathy I wish to respond to this but have a family get together  later today and I haven't much time, so I will tomorrow. I would like to make some comments today and will finish this tomorrow.

I understand all to well where you are coming from. Maybe what you said could be the start of a new thread.  The advice I gave did not come easy it came from years of emotional and verbal abuse. Some years ago even physical, such as being shoved against the wall at 5 months pregnet for forgetting to make ice tea or putting enough suger in it, it was almost 22 yrs ago so I forget which one but it was over ice tea.

My advice comes after years of disfunction, emotional and verbal abuse, being put down and belittled and then finally going off by myself and working on becoming emotionally healthy and chosing to live life differently.
Learning that what I had been programed to think of myself by someone who supposingly loved me was not true.

The loving and supportive husband I have now has only been in the last year and he is as different as night and day from my ex-husbands YES Husband (s) as in plural (I am ashamed to admit)

Please don't get me wrong I didn't take what you said wrong  (if fact it may be a good thread to start and will help others) I just wanted you and others to know I don't speak without exper.  Maybe it is time to come out of the closet and allow my experiences to help other women.   :-[

At on point my family thought I was nuts till my ex smacked me in front of one of them.

I also remember being jumped and sat on and his fist drawn cause he was hot and I wanted the window closed during a thunderstorm ( I use to be very VERY frighten of thunderstorms)

I remember times not knowing where the my sons and I would sleep the next night or where I would get money for food. And I remember what is like to feel unloved, unhappy and unworthy and having religion thrown in my face in reguards to mariage.

I know where I came from and maybe it's about time to use my experience to help others.

In conclusion... I've come along way and have been through many trials, some I didn't ask for and some I brought upon myself. The advice I give did not come easy.

In my heart I know my experiences were for a reason and purpose and are what made me who I am today. I am at peace with what I have been through.
03/19/02 at 20:51:47
Caraj
Re: How do you mend arguments with your spouse?
Dawn
03/19/02 at 13:54:03
[quote author=Caraj link=board=madrasa;num=1016061376;start=15#18 date=03/19/02 at 12:43:32]In my heart I know my experiences were for a reason and purpose and are what made me who I am today. I am at peace with what I have been through. [/quote]
I am so glad, Cara, that you are at peace with the past.  My grandmother died without that peace, and my mother is finally finding it, after years of mental (thankfully no physical) abuse and manipulation by the man who was Grandpa to me and Father to my mother.  In order to cope, Grandma gave up any sense of self, so to speak, and stopped struggling.  The really tough part is, as you said, the two faces of the perpetrator: the one seen by family and the one in public.  Most people don't and will never know both sides.  It is a long hard struggle for positive self worth, and I have watched my mother slowly healing, with the help of my father's loving, patient support.  But it has taken years ... make that decades.  Beauty can rise from the ashes, so to speak, but it is a long struggle, and you have my utmost respect for having succeeded.

Peace,
Dawn
Re: How do you mend arguments with your spouse?
M.F.
03/20/02 at 09:13:31
Kathy :(
That's one of the saddest things I've read in a long time :(
I hope you're not in a situation like that.  I really really pray that you aren't.  Every one of those things on that list is more than a woman should have to deal with, and all of them combined is just unbearable.
"How to live with with the difficult husband"?  I'd say: don't, but then again, what do I know.  Either he has to change and fear Allah and stop beign difficult (although what you wrote sounds more than difficult to me. It sounds impossible).. or... I don't know... Planting awareness and fear of Allah in their heart (I believe) is the only solution  for them to change.
wallahu a'lam


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