A R C H I V E S
Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Abusive spouses and others |
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| Caraj |
| 03/19/02 at 13:03:07 |
| I thought I would start this thread in hopes to help others who are dealing with abusive situations know they are not alone. To give some an avenue to vent and be able to talk and explore other options and seek advice or opinions if wanted. So if you have something to share or wish to talk about this thread but are a little shy please remember the Anonymous posting feature. Abuse comes in many forms, emotional, verbal, physical, etc. :'( The feelings of feeling unloved, unworthy are awful and being isolated from family and friends makes it all the worse. Would anyone care to say how they are dealing with it, or have delt with and how they are trying to turn it around or have turned it around? Abuse doesn't always come from only spouses, :o It can come from a relaitive and even one who you think is a friend. :( What I (in the past) felt it hard to deal with is when you love someone and hope they will change. Then feeling IF you only said or did something different maybe it wouldn't of happened. Then you begin to feeling maybe you cause it or you deserved to be treated that way. Anyone care to take on this subject? |
| Re: Abusive spouses and others |
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| Jenna |
| 03/19/02 at 16:26:12 |
| Wa'alaikum assalaam wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh SubhanAllah Cara, you are soo right, I believe we should speak about this problem so that way we can help those who need it. I myself was abused when I was younger and I have fell prey to the depression syndrom etc. :'(.. I even up to now go through lil bouts of sadness as I remember something, Alhumdulilah yet now its something I can handle...... Alhumdulilah I have stopped feeling this way :) I now look at what happened to me as sort of a blessing in disguse, because InshaAllah now I am more protective of my child. And InshaAllah through my knowledge and of course the protection of Allah ta'aala then my son will not have to endure what I did. I also see it as a something I can use to help other Muslimahs with, thats why I created my Site Abused Muslimahs Unite! http://allahsway.com It has info that both brothers and sisters can use yet I do mainly focus on the sisters. I am encouraging my husband to begin a site for brothers, and InshaAllah soon he will begin. Your Sis in Islaam Jenna Any Sis feel free to email me at AMuslimWife@aol.com |
| 03/19/02 at 16:28:38 |
| Jenna |
| Re: Abusive spouses and others |
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| Caraj |
| 03/19/02 at 19:39:19 |
| [quote author=Jenna_Umm Muffin link=board=madrasa;num=1016560987;start=0#1 date=03/19/02 at 16:26:12] I also see it as a something I can use to help other Muslimahs with, thats why I created my Site Abused Muslimahs Unite! http://allahsway.com It has info that both brothers and sisters can use yet I do mainly focus on the sisters. I am encouraging my husband to begin a site for brothers, and InshaAllah soon he will begin. [/quote] I'll have to look in on your site, thank you for sharing it with us. Something I meant to mention earlier, especially for guests who read these posts. This is certainly not a Muslim thing. :-[ Abuse know NO bountries. I know of men who are verbslly abused, belittle and be rated by wives and the wives families. Verbal abuse is as destructive as physical. Abuse knows NO boundries, not gender, not religon, not race, not financial status. |
| Re: Abusive spouses and others |
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| Caraj |
| 03/21/02 at 02:13:52 |
| Salaam I started this post in hopes that maybe it might help someone, so I thought I would re kindle it a little. I pray no one on this board experiences abuse, but maybe some of the older crowd can share so the younger may learn from our experiences and therefore can be more watchful themselves when at a time of comptemplating a marriage. Maybe even help a friend, sister, cousin, or other who is going through something of this sort. To the brothers, maybe such knowledge will help you to be more watchful of your female relatives. Just some of my thoughts :) Anyone care to share experiences of their own? Brothers, how would you handle such a situation if you found out a sister or cousin was being abused? (I know Mujaahid might shoot the guys knee caps :o just joking) Sisters, how would you direct a sister who is going through such a thing, especially when the abuser has two faces, one the wife sees and the other the rest of the world sees? How do the younger ones on the board find out if someone they may be considering marrying might be abusive? |
| Re: Abusive spouses and others |
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| mujaahid |
| 03/22/02 at 07:16:27 |
| [slm] ;-) <Brothers, how would you handle such a situation if you found out a sister or cousin was being abused?> Well blowing his knee caps of is always an option ;) But, what i would first do is get my sister out of thier, out of that house. Then i would find out whats going on. IF the guy had been slapping her around etc, then i would press my sister to get a divorce, especially if they dont have kids, as a guy who hits a woman once, will always hit women. Then, i would go round to this guys, and slap him around a bit, give him a taste of his own medicine. In the case of emotional abuse, thats more difficult and i would have to seek advice from people who are trained to deal with such situation, but removing my sister from that environment may be an option. Then, the guy needs to be spoken to, maybe he doesnt realise the affect that some of the things he's saying is having. I guess some guys are insensitive, rather than blatantly abusive, especially the macho types. Some guys are genuinly abusive and hurtful for the sake of it, and know exactly what their doing and the affect its having. So in that case, simply beating him up is not an option UNLESS he is delibratly causing emotional distress, i.e. knowing how his wife ticks, knowing what brings her to tears, then going out his way TO bring her to tears! THAT is abuse. And that kinda guy needs a nice clenched heavy fist stapmed on hi jaw >:( OR getting the guy counselling is another option!! |
| Re: Abusive spouses and others |
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| Kathy |
| 03/22/02 at 10:06:32 |
| [slm] ;-)Where were you when I needed you! Although I find your style to be quite excessive- I would have loved to have you in my corner. Just the threat of you would have been enough! >:( :-) |
| Re: Abusive spouses and others |
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| Mentallect |
| 04/06/02 at 10:29:03 |
| I'm not a psychologist, nor am I a Mufti or religious authority of any kind I'm just speaking from my limited common sense. If you're in a verbally abusive relationship, obviously you should get out of it. Either by addressing the issue with the husband and seeing a councelor of the psychological field, or removing yourself from the situation. Its unhealthy for you and will gradually chip away at whatever is left of your esteem and could potentially endanger your life. But if that isnt enough, think of it this way: You recognize this brother has a problem, from what I've learned,verbally abusive people are pretty unhappy as a whole. Probably because they suffered from the same thing at some point in their lives. Its hard to break a chain of bad habits on ones own, if you don't at least attempt to help him out of this sickness, you're allowing him to abuse a Muslim, which will eventually kick him really good on the D.O.J. Not only that, but if you have children, Allah has entrusted you with his precious babies, and if you let this spouse abuse Allah's babies, you got a left hook coming too my friend. I really hope you find peace, and resolve your troubles. I'll make du'a for you sister. Salaam |
| 04/06/02 at 10:33:05 |
| Mentallect |
| Re: Abusive spouses and others |
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| M.F. |
| 04/06/02 at 16:50:49 |
| Assalamu alaikum It sounds like your husband is more than verbally abusive. He's mentally and physically abusive too (throwing phones at you??). It's more than you should have to deal with. You want to be in a good situation islamically and let him be the head of the family, but frankly it sounds like he's doing more harm than good to your family. Your children might grow up with a lot of anger inside and who knows, the cycle might continue. And you know very well that it's not your fault. You know, if the Muslims around you just won't help... well get help from somewhere else. There's a lot of centers for abused women (abused doesn't necessarily mean beat up physically) where they offer legal and psychological councelling. If you're not allowed to drive, take the bus or a cab (although I don't understand why you're not allowed to drive :( ) May Allah help you to get out of that situation with the least harm done to anyone. Ameen |
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| Serena |
| 04/06/02 at 19:33:52 |
| Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu. I pray you are all in the best of health and iman. :) Subhan'Allah, it makes me so angry to know that my sister's (both known and unknown to me) suffer abuse at the hands of their husbands. :( Sister Anjala, my thoughts and prayers go out to you and your children and may Allah ta'ala keep you safe and well - protected from furthur abuse. I can't offer much on the side of advice, only experience. I'm sorry. Please seek out advice from an imam or a trusted family friend. Also, as M.F suggested, there are abuse centers throughout the states (if you live here) that you can turn to and they are very discreet. Of course, obviously, you should try to resolve it Islamically first. As far as the abuse, before I converted I was married to a man who was *very* abusive. It started off simple, like cursing, but got much worse through the years. It finally ended when I was pregnant with twin boys and he came home drunk and stomped on my stomach, killing one of them! :( Take care of yourself. If you need someone to talk to, please feel free to email me. Wa'assalam, Serena Brother Mujaahid, maybe we don't see eye to eye on certain subjects, but I wish I had a brother like you to protect me way back when :) |
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