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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Supporting a wife after child-birth |
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| Kashif |
| 04/03/02 at 09:36:10 |
| assalaamu alaikum I found this article on the BBC website, and i think it should remind Muslim brothers of what the wife goes thru after childbirth, and how important it is for her to receive support. Kashif Wa Salaam ------------------------------------- Women are finding it extremely difficult to juggle the demands of motherhood and career, a survey has found. The impact appears to be greatest on women who leave it until their late 30s to start a family. A poll by Mother and Baby magazine has found that many are struggling to cope on five hours sleep a night. The consequent sleep deprivation is playing havoc with their relationships and working lives. The survey found: - 56% of working mothers said weariness left them in a "state of despair" - 82% admitted a lack of sleep affected their performance at work - 88% felt fed up, exhausted and pulled in too many directions - 70% said their tiredness was so debilitating they felt unable to function properly - 61% said their boss was not understanding Tiredness also put the mother's relationship with their child under strain - 55% said lack of sleep made them irritated with their baby. Relationship problems The survey found mums only got an average of four hours sleep a night during the first four months of their baby's life - and only five hours a night once the child had reached 18 months. Eight out of 10 mothers with a baby aged up to two said a lack of sleep put their partnership under immense strain and caused rows. Only 31% of fathers woke up if their baby cried, even if both parents worked full-time, according to the survey. Two-thirds of mothers said lack of sleep had put them completely off sex (66%) and three-quarters resorted to putting the baby into their own bed or sleeping in the baby's room in a bid to get some rest (74%). The highest level of problems were reported among women over the age of 35. Nine out of 10 said their relationship had been badly affected, 70% said they had gone off sex and 92% admitted "feeling wrecked" at work. Complex demands Dani Zur, editor of Mother and Baby Magazine, urged women to take as much maternity leave as they could possibly afford before getting back to work. She said: "The majority of mums in the UK today suffer from chronic sleep deprivation which affects every area of their lives. "Just looking after a baby or young child is enough to bring you to your knees, but most mums also have to meet the complicated demands of their partner, extended family and employer too. "Trying to do all this on less than four hours sleep a night leaves mums feeling desperate, angry and resentful. Older mums simply don't have the same energy levels as those in their twenties. "Cherie Blair copes well with later motherhood because she has an army of people to help her. "She's anything but the norm. Britain's mothers need to remember this and stop beating themselves up about their own achievements." The survey questioned 1,000 UK mothers with an average age of 30 years. http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/health/newsid_1906000/1906858.stm |
| NS |
| Re: Supporting a wife after child-birth |
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| siddiqui |
| 04/05/02 at 20:05:45 |
| [slm] Thank you for posting a very timely and insightful article I have seen my mother go through the trauma of rasing 4 kids(me being the most troublesome and un ruly :( ) May Allah swt reward her ameen I think this is a nice tpoic for brothers and sisters to discuss in their Halqa and what we as Muslim men can do to help our ladies go through these trying times. Some women go through something called PPD-Post partum depression (andrea yates) and this just makes the whole situation impossible May Allah swt help and reward them Ameen [wlm] |
| Re: Supporting a wife after child-birth |
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| Kashif |
| 04/06/02 at 05:12:12 |
| assalaamu alaikum Yep. I think it would be a good idea for there to be "how to be a good husband" & "how to be a good wife" seminars in communities where people who are married or those who are preparing to get married can receive advice on the religious aspects of marriage and rights of each spouse, be taught the difference between men and women, and the other mundane issues that come up in married life could be discussed. Perhaps once a year. I remember hearing Malcolm X saying something like "Having a woman doesn't make you a husband, cos anyone can get a woman. But taking care of that woman is what makes you a husband." Kashif Wa Salaam |
| NS |
| Re: Supporting a wife after child-birth |
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| arielsharon |
| 04/18/02 at 16:26:19 |
| ...maybe even treating a woman as an equal is sign of a man. |
| Re: Supporting a wife after child-birth |
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| Hamas_The_Victor |
| 04/20/02 at 07:43:43 |
| Peace be on those who follow the GUIDANCE [quote]...maybe even treating a woman as an equal is sign of a man.[/quote] "Women are the sisters of men." This Hadith is related by Abu Dawood and At-Tirmithi under the general heading of Taharah, or Purification, and by Ad-Darimi under the heading of Wudhu, or Ablutions, and by Ahmad in his Musnad. It is considered to be highly authentic. This Hadith has a very clear significance, because the word the Prophet [saw] mentions, shaqaiq, which is the plural of shaqiq, signifies total equality. |
| Re: Supporting a wife after child-birth |
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| Beth |
| 04/20/02 at 07:44:59 |
| Total equality eh? Then maybe you could explain to me why men don't wear the hijab also? |
| Re: Supporting a wife after child-birth |
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| Kashif |
| 04/20/02 at 09:45:43 |
| assalaamu alaikum I think a better translation of that hadith is: "Women are the twin-halves of men." Nelly, from a legalistic point of view the simple answer to your question is men don't wear a hijaab because God has not ordained them to do so. Men are only required to cover from their navel to their knees. In this respect, and others, i would say that Islam is the only religion that recognises men and women to be equal yet different. Unfortunately, what is often perceived to be a struggle for gaining equality is no more than a thrust in the direction of women trying to 'become' men. Dr Alexis Carrel, a famous French Physiologist, in his book "Man, the unknown" writes: "The difference which exists between man and woman, is not related solely to the shape of their genital organs, or woman's having a uterus and giving birth to children and their special method of education, but is the result of a deeper cause. It emerges from the chemicals which the genital glands secrete into the blood. "It is owing to the disregard of this important point that the supporters of woman's movement think that both the sexes can receive the same kind of education and training and may undertake the same kind of education and training and may undertake the same professions and responsibilities. "In fact, woman differs from man in many respects. Every one of the cells of her body bears the mark of her sex. The same is true of her organs, and above all, of her nervous system. Physiological laws are as inexorable as those of the sidereal world. They cannot be replaced by human wishes. We have to accept them as they are. Women should develop their own talents and should advance in the direction which suits their innate character, without blindly imitating men. It is their duty to make a greater contribution than man, to the development of humanity." In summary, he is saying that the difference between men and women isn't just the difference in appearance and difference of organs, but it is of a more profound, and deeper nature, and this difference gives each of them their unique strengths and unique weaknesses. To pretend that these differences don't exist is to ignore how mane and women are built. Anyhow, as a side point, bringing up the issue of hijaab as an argument that men and women aren't equal in Islam seems slightly dubious to me, because on the other hand there are rights that women have in Islam that aren't recognised or practised in other religions and systems of life. For example, there is the law that the man alone has to pay for the maintenance of the home, wife, and family, and the woman is not obliged to spend a single penny in this direction EVEN though she may have an income of her own. So perhaps we can now argue that Islam is also anti-male ... Kashif Wa Salaam |
| NS |
| Re: Supporting a wife after child-birth |
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| SisterHania |
| 04/20/02 at 11:04:36 |
| [quote author=Nelly the Elephant link=board=bro;num=1017844570;start=0#5 date=04/20/02 at 07:44:59]Total equality eh? Then maybe you could explain to me why men don't wear the hijab also?[/quote] Women are equal with men in every respect to their religion, even in instructions to modesty. Modesty is an integral part of faith for both men and women; both are to be modest and cast down their glance. "Islamic veil includes both men and women" . Being modest is what it essentially means to observe hijab. By instructing men to cast down their glance, Islam is protecting women from the evils that are widespread in our society and age. Neither of the sexes should look at the other with a lustful intention, unless of course they are husband and wife. Though they should also behave and dress modestly, Islam does not require men to cover themselves as it requires women to. It is a woman who attracts a man by her beauty, and it is a man who looks at her and is tempted. Thus, Islam instructs men to lower their gaze and women to cover themselves. It is also noteworthy that men are commanded to lower their gaze first, then women are instructed to do likewise. In an ideal Islamic and Qur'anic society, where hijab is practiced, what else can be expected but purity and chastity and that men and women are treated with dignity and respect. |
| Re: Supporting a wife after child-birth |
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| Faruk |
| 04/22/02 at 09:50:51 |
| Salaam :D, hehe, I havn't been here 4 ages :'(, but dont worry i'm back now :-X. Back to the topic of supporting ur wife after birth :) Just like to tell u how essential this is for her and ur relationship with her ;-) When my wife was pregnant with my 1 yrs old daughter(whos reaching 2), she was badly stressed out (btw she was only 15 at this time) and didn't sleep most nights, alhamdulillah our daughter has now got into a nice routine so she can sleep at nights 8). The only thing i did was take care of her in the day time so my dear wife could sleep during the day (yea, i know...she had to sacrafice more, but my daughter learned how to say mum first so it sound pretty fair ;)) back to being serious!!! I've seen bros who think they're wife should be some sort of super woman who can cope with everything...but bros, remember theres a hadith sayin the best 1's among us are the 1's who are best to their wifes! So bros please take care of ur spouse(s), they do so much for u and this is the time they need u the most (4 support). tc |
| Re: Supporting a wife after child-birth |
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| Beth |
| 04/22/02 at 12:28:53 |
| Your wife was pregnant at 15?!! I take it you don't live in a western country? I rather think this isn't legal - getting married so young I mean, not getting pregnant at that age (though that isn't legal either but hey! doesn't stop people) |
| Re: Supporting a wife after child-birth |
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| Maliha |
| 04/22/02 at 13:19:18 |
| [slm] I find it ironic that people will gasp at someone being married at 15, yet not even raise an eyebrow when they start having children at that age.... When hormones kick in and teenagers want to have sex, then they should also be able to deal with the responsibility of marriage and raising a family. Too often the girl is left by the boy and she and her family are left caring for the new born baby...and that just aint fair. Maliha :-) [wlm] |
| Re: Supporting a wife after child-birth |
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| Faruk |
| 04/23/02 at 07:23:58 |
| Salaam, Actually Nelly, your wrong!!! I live in the UK ;-)(i was born here and so was she)...we got married the islamic way, we don't need to live the way westerners would prefer us to!!! Its funny how its ok to hav a b/friend at the age of 15 and be un-responsible for what u do but soon as ur married at a young age ppl think u dont even live in a western country!!! ;D She was only 14 but i wasn't to old...i was only 17 when we married (we were arranged), but were both happy alhamdulillah and we love each other :P Don't u think the most that matters is that were happy??? Sister Maliha's right, This is the age people comit zinnah, so its better to stay on the safe side, dont u think??? tc |
| Re: Supporting a wife after child-birth |
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| Beth |
| 04/23/02 at 10:35:05 |
| Hi Faruk and Maliha A number of things: I think the idea of someone having a child at 14 is terrible. Granted, it has lost its shock factor somewhat of late but I disaprove of kids getting married/having sex/having kids at 14 in almost equal measure. "Don't you think the most important thing is that we are happy" - no Faluk, I'm afraid I don't. And incidentally, that is the exact same argument that is used to justify a whole range of anti-social or unacceptable behaviour in today's society, from underage sex/motherhood to drug abuse, adultery etc, etc. "Its okay to have a boyfriend at 15" - well, I had a boyfriend at 15, as did many of my friends. I did not have sex with him, marry him or have children with him and that went for about 99% of my peergroup. It was about as naive and innocent as you could get. Its funny how its ok to hav a b/friend at the age of 15 and be un-responsible for what u do but soon as ur married at a young age ppl think u dont even live in a western country!!! There is an old saying "when in Rome do as the Romans" and whilst I advocate a high degree of tolerance and mutual respect, at the same time I think there comes a point where you have to draw a line in the sand and say tolerance aside, you are subject to and will abide by the laws of this country FULL STOP. If you don't like it, well, there's the door. (and I extend this principle to anyone, black, white or green with polka dot spots) I don't mean to be rude about this but your wife was a child at 14 and she should not have been married at this age or having children or having sex, full stop. Whilst it is very difficult to prevent kids from having underage sex if their minds are made up, we can and do legislate against child marriages. That is something we can and should prevent. Are you aware that the younger a girl starts having sex the higher the risk she is at of contracting CERVICAL cancer? |
| Re: Supporting a wife after child-birth |
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| Faruk |
| 04/23/02 at 11:08:12 |
| salaam, Nelly, i dont wanna be rude either, but who r u to say she's to young??? biologically she is ready!!! Abt cancer, insh'allah she never has to suffer such a thing. infact, the docter we went to said she'll hav alot of problems giving birth later in life, so i'm happy that we married early!!! I don't c any thing wrong with marrying at a young age if u do i personally think ur to westernised...theres really nothin i can say!!! tc and i hope i havn't offened u but if i hav, i'm sorry:) |
| Re: Supporting a wife after child-birth |
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| Beth |
| 04/23/02 at 11:17:04 |
| Faruk no, you haven't offended me - hope same goes for you. It is one thing to say I am too westernised - incidentally, would you not take offense if I said you were too 'easternised'? - but my point is that when you live in a country you must abide by its laws. Now, plenty don't, and that means they are subject to whatever penalties the law enforces for their offence. That is the case whatever part of the globe you inhabit. Now, I don't know what country you live in but where I live, a fourteen year old is considered a child and to marry her/have sex/children with her is breaking the law and is considered a criminal offence. I'm not saying she isn't biologically capable of reproducing. Basically, if you're menstruating, you're (assumed) capable of reproducing. But the age at which menstruation starts today is getting younger and younger and its not unheard of for 8 yr old girls to start their period. But because you are [i]biologically[/i] able to have kids does not mean you are mentally or emotionally able. My point about the cancer is simply what I said, the younger a girl becomes sexually active, the higher the risks of her developing cervical cancer. That is not to say she [i]will[/i], but that she increases her chances tenfold in doing so. Something to think about. |
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