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| Need advice on In-law Money Problems |
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| Anonymous |
| 05/10/02 at 05:06:07 |
| Assalamalekum, I"m having major problems in dealing with my inlaws. Always our clashes would be on money issues. The whole family is depending on my husband even though they can easily earn it on their own, but no they apply the cultural pressure that since ure the oldest son in the family you have to feed us, and by that i dont mean just kitchen expense i mean every unnecessary luxuary. Me and my husband are barely making enough money for oursleves let alone share the whole pay check with the family. I have tried to convince my husband that islamically we are not obligated to do this specially when dad is alive and other brothers are allive, but nothing is working. My inlaws are so far away from islam, that its better to bang ur head against the wall ten times than sit and reason with them. Please advice on how to save my marriage. |
| Re: Need advice on In-law Money Problems |
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| M.F. |
| 05/10/02 at 09:12:36 |
| Bismillah, Assalamu alaikum, I can relate. My husband's family is kind of the same way. They don't rely on him, but whenever there's an "occasion" (like a wedding or someone needing money to get out of a tight situation) the family turns to him and two of his brothers. So far it's mostly been the two older brothers who have been shouldering most of the burden and they've gotten way deep in debt because of it. My husband doesn't want to let them do it all so he tries to help too, and sometimes he has to. However, we've all agreed that it's completely ridiculous to donate huge sums of money (like half a month's salary or more) so that someone can have a big fancy wedding. The problem is no one knows how to say no, especially since it's their father who asks them for the money. They all talk about how they're going to have a talk with him but they don't want to be disrespectful and they keep saying his health is so poor they don't wanna add any strain. You can reason with him, but not with his wife (my husband's stepmother) who, this summer for example, is going to have a huge wedding for her daughter and who I can't imagine would listen to reason. However, I think it has to be done, in your situation also. People HAVE to draw the line at some point and say: look, we have our own family now and our own money problems. People have to learn to spend within their limits, and your husband (and mine) have to say that these are our limits, and draw the line. In our situation it might ruin his relationship with his famly... I don't know. But people can't keep getting in debt for other people. I think they should take their own responsibilities. |
| Re: Need advice on In-law Money Problems |
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| eleanor |
| 05/10/02 at 09:33:37 |
| [slm] just a look at the other side - did your parents in law set any limits to their children when they were growing up? Did they deprive them of food, clothes, a home and in many cases toys, bicycles... We aren't in this world for long, pleasing our parents is one of the highest forms of pleasing and worshipping Allah. Is it really that important to have the biggest and the best, while your parents are sad that you have forgotten it was them who brought you into this world and provided you with everything.... Just my 0.02... and yes, I am talking from experience. wasalaam eleanor :-* |
| Re: Need advice on In-law Money Problems |
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| UmmWafi |
| 05/11/02 at 00:07:28 |
| [slm] Dearest Ellie Firstly a warm big hug just cos :) Monetary problems is unfortunately one of the biggest strainers in a marriage, especially if the strain external. In your case your in-laws. The solution to the problem however, must come from within, ie, u and ur hubby. What u need to do is to actually sit down and discuss budgetting with ur hubby. Pool your resources and list down all your expenses. Work out how much u have left after all the expenses AND SAVINGS (thats very important). If he sees that the balance is not much then perhaps he could understand your worry. Usually people need to see in actual numbers before they accept certain things. Second step is to help ur husband say no to certain requests. Ain't easy but must be done. Insya'Allah, I pray everything goes well for u Sis. Wassalam |
| Re: Need advice on In-law Money Problems |
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| Kashif |
| 05/11/02 at 06:16:09 |
| assalaamu alaikum Check out this page: http://www.soundvision.com/Info/weddings/ About 2/3rds of the way down, they have a section of article called "Family finances." Its not directly related to your request, but the advice is practical (which is what i really like about Soundvision.com). Kashif Wa Salaam |
| NS |
| Re: Need advice on In-law Money Problems |
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| eleanor |
| 05/12/02 at 08:37:36 |
| [slm] Sis UmmWafi - hugs back at ya :) But I'm confused... was the hugs for me and then the rest of the post for sis.Anonymous - coz I don't have any strain or stress in this area - Alhamdulillah :) wasalaam eleanor :-* |
| Re: Need advice on In-law Money Problems |
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| Chris |
| 05/12/02 at 09:59:39 |
| Try talking to your in-laws, and if they won't listen, tell them to get stuffed. I know its rude, but they are draining you and your husband, paritizing on you, and you'll work yourself into a grave for them. Chris |
| Re: Need advice on In-law Money Problems |
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| muqaddar |
| 05/14/02 at 08:00:01 |
| [slm] why isn't the rest of the family working? |
| Re: Need advice on In-law Money Problems |
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| Kathy |
| 05/14/02 at 09:33:52 |
| [slm] Yikes Chris- I can't believe you would have such disrespect- Islam Questions & Answers www.islam-qa.com Question Reference Number:: 4282 Title: The son has a family and his father is exhausting him with his financial demands Question: My father continually asks me for money and is exhausting me with his many demands. I have a family and commitments of my own. To what extent am I obliged to give him, and what is the meaning of the hadeeth, “You and your wealth belong to your father”? Answer: Praise be to Allaah. The hadeeth “You and your wealth belong to your father” was reported by Ibn Maajah (may Allah have mercy on him) in his Sunan from Jaabir ibn ‘Abd-Allaah, who said that a man said, “O Messenger of Allaah, I have wealth and children, and my father wants to take all my wealth [to spend it on his own needs] and leave nothing.” The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “You and your wealth belong to your father.” (In al-Zawaa’id it says: its isnaad is saheeh and its men are thiqaat according to the conditions of al-Bukhaari). Imaam ‘Abd al-Razzaaq (may Allaah have mercy on him) said in al-Musannaf: ‘Concerning a man who takes his son’s wealth From ‘Aa’ishah who said: “The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: ‘The best of what a man consumes is what he earns, and his children are part of his earnings.’” From Muhammad ibn al-Munkadir: a man referred his dispute with his father over his earnings to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him). The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “You and your wealth belong to your father.” From ‘Aa’ishah who said: “A man can consume whatever he wishes of his son's wealth, but a son cannot consume anything of his father’s wealth without his permission.” From Sa’eed ibn al-Musayyib, who said: “A man can take whatever he wants from his son's wealth, but a son should not take anything from his father’s wealth except with his consent.” From Ibn Jurayj, who said: “ ‘Ataa’ did not see anything wrong with a man taking whatever he wanted of his son's wealth, even if it was not a case of necessity.”’ Then he said (may Allaah have mercy on him): ‘Those who say: a man should not take anything of his son's wealth except with his permission. From Ibn Seereen, who said: “A son should honour his father, but each man has more right to that which he himself owns.” Saalim reported that Hamzah ibn ‘Abd-Allaah ibn ‘Umar sacrificed a camel, then a beggar came to Ibn ‘Umar [i.e., ‘Abd-Allaah, the father of the one who offered the sacrifice]. ‘Abd-Allaah said, “It’s not mine [i.e., the meat of the sacrifice isn’t mine to give away].” Hamzah said: “O my father, you have my permission, so give away whatever you want of it.” Ibn Qudaamah (may Allaah have mercy on him) said in his book al-Mughni, commenting on this matter: “Any father has the right to take whatever he wants of his son's wealth and to take possession of it, whether the father needs it or not, and whether the son is an adult or a child, provided two conditions are met. The first is that this should not be unfair to the son or cause him any harm, and that the father should not take anything that the son needs. The second is that he should not take from the wealth of one child to give it to another child. This is what was stated by Ahmad… This is because it is prohibited for a father to show favouritism in giving to one child from his own wealth, so the prohibition should apply even more to the case of a father taking from one child to give to another. ” Abu Haneefah, Maalik and al-Shaafa'i said: He does not have the right to take any more from his son's wealth than what he needs, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Your blood and your wealth are as sacred to you as this day of yours in this month of yours.” (Agreed upon). It was reported that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “It is not permissible to take the wealth of a Muslim except with his consent.” (Reported by al-Daaraqutni). The son has full ownership of his wealth, and it should not be taken away from him, as the case if he needs it . Our evidence for this is the report of ‘Aa’ishah (may Allaah be pleased with her) who said: “The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: ‘The best of what you consume is what you earn, and your children are part of what you earn.’” (Reported by Sa’eed and al-Tirmidhi, who said: a hasan hadeeth). ‘Amr ibn Shu’ayb reported, from his father, from his grandfather, who said: “A man came to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and said, ‘My father needed all my wealth.’ He said, ‘You and your wealth belong to your father.’” A longer version was reported by al-Tabaraani in al-Mu’jam, and by others, which adds: “Your children are among the best of your earnings, so consume whatever they have of wealth.” Muhammad ibn al-Munkadir and al-Mutlib ibn Hantab reported: “A man came to the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and said: ‘I have wealth and children, and my father has wealth and children, but my father wants to take my wealth.’ The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: ‘You and your wealth belong to your father.’” (Reported by Sa’eed in his Sunan). Also, Allaah has described the child as a gift to his father, as He says (interpretation of the meanings): “And We bestowed upon him Ishaaq, and (a grandson) Ya’qoob…” [al-Anbiya’ 21:72] “… and We bestowed upon him Yahyaa…” [al-Anbiya’ 21:90] “[Zakariya said:] ‘…So give me from Yourself an heir.’” [Maryam 19:5] “[Ibraaheem said]: ‘All praises and thanks be to Allaah, Who has given me in old age Ismaa’eel and Ishaaq…’” [Ibraaheem 14:39] Whoever is given to a person as a gift, he is allowed to take his wealth, just as he has the right to take the wealth of his slave. (al-Mughni, part 5). In the dissertations and fatwas of the Mufti Shaykh Muhammad ibn Ibraaheem ibn ‘Abd al-Lateef Aal al-Shaykh, it says the following: A father is permitted to take from his son’s wealth, because of the sayings of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him): “You and your wealth belong to your father” (reported by the five and classed as saheeh by al-Tirmidhi) and “The best of what you consume is what you earn, and your children are part of your earnings” (reported by al-Tirmidhi, al-Nisaa'i and Ibn Maajah from ‘Aa’ishah). The father’s taking from his son's earnings is subject to six conditions: He should not take what his child needs or the loss of which would cause harm to his child. He should not give it to another of his children. He should not take anything when either of them is on his deathbed. The father should not be a kaafir when the son is a Muslim. The wealth should exist in a tangible form. Whatever the father takes from his son becomes his when he takes it with the appropriate intention or a spoken statement. This is the gist of what our fuqaha’ (may Allaah have mercy on them) have said, and this is our fatwa. |
| NS |
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