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How to control ghibah " backbiting"?
Anonymous
05/13/02 at 19:33:33
Assalamalekum, Since i'm a very talkative person, i often find my self doing ghibah. I know its a serous NO NO in islam , so i'm very worried about this habit of mine.  please all you sisters out there, advice me on how to deal with this. [color=red] [Admin Note: Anonymous had included a sisters-only tag, but this topic is something we all can benefit from inshaAllah.][/color]
05/13/02 at 19:34:24
Anonymous

Re: How to control ghibah " backbiting"?
bismilla
05/14/02 at 04:55:19
[slm][color=green][font=comic SANS ms]bsm 1.  Admin's comment about this affecting all of us is a valid one.  This is not, as one may like to think, "a female-only affliction" 2.  I read once that when a person tells you something about another person, even if you have heard about it / know about it, feign surprise and change the subject.  This will also ensure you do not ammit another sin of telling a lie!  :- [tt]For example :[/tt][/color][/font] Your friend says :   Joe Soap did this to that Your response :  [i]Oh really?  That lagan you made the other night was scrumptious.  May i have the recipe please?[/i] :D 3.  [url=http://www.islam.tc/ask-imam/view.php?q=1814] How do we define backbiting? [/url] 4.  [url=http://www.islam.tc/ask-imam/view.php?q=429]Friends and Gossip[/url] Hope that helps, Insha Allah  :-* [slm]
05/14/02 at 04:58:44
bismilla

Re: How to control ghibah " backbiting"?
M.F.
05/14/02 at 07:26:43
Bismillah, Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullah, I've found that one of the best ways to avoid backbiting is to avoid the people who encourage it, and to find friends who have no reason or desire to backbite.  It's so much easier to backbite when you're with people who relish it. The other thing that really helps is to remember that while you're backbiting about someone, your good deeds are being drained from you and given to that person.  When none of your good deeds remain,  you take their bad deeds and then you're thrown into jahannam.  The very idea of doing something that'll drain away the few good things that Allah accepted from me is usually enough to stop me from backbiting.  It's just so not worth it!

Re: How to control ghibah " backbiting"?
humble_muslim
05/14/02 at 09:24:19
[slm] Jazak Allah Maryam for pointing that out.  I found the hadith you were talking about.  I think Anonymous, if you read this hadith every morning, your backbiting days will soon be numbered Inshallah. Abu Huraira. reported Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) as saying: Do you know who is poor? They (the Companions of the Holy Prophet) said: A poor man amongst us is one who has neither dirham with him nor wealth. He (the Holy Prophet) said: The poor of my Umma would be he who would come on the Day of Resurrecton with prayers and fasts and Zakat but (he would find himself bankrupt on that day as he would have exhausted his funds of virtues) since he hurled abuses upon others, brought calumny against others and unlawfully consumed the wealth of others and shed the blood of others and beat others, and his virtues would be credited to the account of one (who suffered at his hand). And if his good deeds fall short to clear the account, then his sins would be entered in (his account) and he would be thrown in the Hell-Fire. (Muslim).
NS

Re: How to control ghibah " backbiting"?
se7en
05/14/02 at 12:56:28
rubber band around your wrist.. every time you catch yourself saying something you shouldn't *snap*   :)

Re: How to control ghibah " backbiting"?
nouha
05/14/02 at 13:42:22
[slm] that was a really good hadith. i know someone who carried a pen with her all the time, and whenever she was backbiting or were around people who backbited, she would make a mark on her hand, her first she had alot, and then people would ask her why she had marks on her hand, she became so sick and tired of markign her hand and people asking her questions that it helped her lessen the backbiting.....:) wasalam nouha:)

Re: How to control ghibah " backbiting"?
bhaloo
05/14/02 at 18:47:20
[slm] "Beware of backbiting, for backbiting is more serious than adultery.  A man may commit adultery, and drink [wine], and then repent, and Allah will forgive him.  But, the backbiter will not be forgiven by Allah until his [backbited] companion forgives him." [Suyuti, Al-Jami` as-Saghir, 1/174, #2919, from Ibn Abid-Dunya, and Abush-Shaykh, Al-Tawbikh.]

Re: How to control ghibah " backbiting"?
sis
05/14/02 at 21:40:48
alsalamu alaykum wa rhmat Allah ta'ala wa barakatuh..here's an e-mail i recieved a little while ago...masha'Allah this khutbah is amazing..may Allah ta'ala always increase us in knowledge ---- here is a very beneficial khutuba, it might be long but i think it is a "must" read.  May Allah (SWT) purify our eyes from deception, our tongues from kathib, gheeba, and nameemah, and purify our hearts from nifaaq and our deeds from riyaa'. To Kill a Mocking Tongue By Muhammad Alshareef Al-Maroor ibn Suwayd narrates that he once saw Abu Dharr  radi Allaahu anhu  wearing a beautiful shawl.  His slave standing next to him was wearing a shawl exactly like it, warm and beautiful. Maroor said to Abu Dharr, Perhaps you could take the shawl of your servant and give him another (less expensive) one. Never, said Abu Dharr, for I once had a servant whose mother was not Arab and I cussed him and his mother.  That servant went to the Messenger of Allah  sal Allaahu alayhi wa sallam  complaining of the words I had said. When Rasul Allaah  sal Allaahu alayhi wa sallam  saw me he commented, O Abu Dharr, you are a man who still has Jahilliyyah (Pre-Islamic Ignorance) in him. Because of these painful words, Abu Dharr  may Allah be pleased with him - would always dress his servants in the exact same garments that he would wear. Dear brothers and sisters, Allah is disobeyed most with our tongues. There is a sin that sweeps amongst us, a sin that many take lightly, a sin that is laughed at, a sin that could very well pull someone to Hellfire: It is the sin of insulting others. Read carefully this following verse. It is a commandment of Allah that begins with a call to those who claim to have Eemaan. Allah taala says in the Quran (49/11): O you who believe let not one group of people make fun of another, perhaps the (ones being made fun of) are better then them. And let not women make fun of other women perhaps the (woman being made fun of) is better then them. And do not insult one another and do not call each other by (offensive) nicknames. Wretched is the name (i.e. mention) of disobedience after (ones) faith.  And whoever does not repent  then it is those who are the Dhaalimoon (the wrongdoers). Perhaps the one that is being made fun of is more beloved to Allah. Subhaan Allah, let us remember this if we ever try to make fun of someone, perhaps Allah loves them and does not love us. Didnt the Mushrikeen make fun of Rasul Allah  sal Allaahu alayhi wa sallam  and we know Allah loved him and not them. Didnt the Munaafiqeen make fun of the Sahaabah  and we know Allah loved the Sahaabah and not them. Rasul Allah  sal Allaahu alayhi wa sallam  said, Verily a person will speak words from those that Allah hates, paying no heed to what he is saying, and with those words he will plummet in to hellfire.  Bukhari There are different reasons why a person would want to insult, make fun of and ridicule other community members Firstly: They have weak Eemaan and their fear of Allah is poor. This is one of the major reasons. Secondly: They spend a lot of their time in gatherings that bring no benefit. Thirdly: They themselves may want others to praise them. Sadly, when there is a student or a community member that insults others, often it is they that want to be the cool one.  How can they be cool if they are doing something that Allah and His Messenger hate? Fourthly: They forget the punishment for those that make fun of others. Imam Al-Bayhaqee narrates in Shuab al-Eemaan, that Rasul Allah  sal Allaahu alayhi wa sallam  said, Verily those people that make fun of people  for them a gate of Jannah will be opened.  It will be said to them: Come (and enter). That person will come with all their anguish and depression  but when he gets close, the gate will be closed in his face. Then another gate (to Jannah) will be opened and it will be said: Come (and enter).  So that person comes with all his anguish and depression. But when he gets close, the gate will be closed in his face.  This will keep happening to him until it gets to the point where it will be said: Come (and enter), and he! will not come from the despair of ever entering paradise. Fifthly: Those that make fun of others may do so out of love for the Kuffaar and a love to imitate them. How many times do we see the comedians mocking people and everyone laughing? Indeed, mocking others and insulting them is a characteristic of Jaahiliyyah and kufr, and it is never a characteristic of a believer. Allah taala shows us in Surah Al-Mutaffifeen (83/29) how this characteristic of laughing at others is a characteristic of the Kuffaar: [Indeed, those who committed crimes used to laugh at those who believed.] The seriousness of this sin varies in accordance to the subject being insulted: On the highest level of seriousness is to make fun of Allah or His Ayaat or His Messenger  sal Allaahu alayhi wa sallam. A group of Munaafiqeen started joking one day about their Qurraa, i.e. the Companions of Allahs Messenger.  They described in ridiculing terms that they were large in stomachs, having lying tongues and being cowardly. Allah taala tells us in the Quran (9/65-66): [And if you ask them, they will surely say, We were only conversing and playing. Say, Is it Allah and His verses and His Messenger that you were mocking? / Make no excuse; you have disbelieved (i.e. rejected faith) after your belief. If We pardon one faction of you  We will punish another faction because they were criminals.] To ridicule and make fun of the Sahaabah In the incident just mentioned, the comment that the Munaafiqeen was actually directed at the Sahaabah. The Quraan shows us that this was a direct ridicule of Allah, His verses, and His Messenger. Shaykh Al-Uthaymeen  rahi mahullaah  said: Thus it is understood that someone who curses and ridicules the Companions is a Kaafir. This is because cutting their honor is in reality an attempt at ridiculing Allah and His Messenger and His Shareeah. To ridicule the pious believers For example, if someone were to ridicule a pious believer because of his practice of the Deen, such as ridiculing a brothers beard or to mock a sisters Hijaab, etc.  Doing this  i.e. mocking a Muslim because of his Islam  may very well expel someone from the fold of Islam. Allah taala says in Surah Al-Mutaffifeen (29-30): [Indeed, those that committed crimes used to laugh at those who believed] As reported in Tafseer At-Tabaree, the Munaafiqeen were once sitting back watching the charity that the believers were giving. To those that gave much, like AbdurRahmaan ibn Owf, they said, he only gave it to show off. For those that gave little, they said, Verily, Allah has no need for his petty offering. And so Allah taala revealed in Surat At-Tawbah (9/79): [Those who criticize the contributers among the believers concerning their charities and (criticize) the ones who find nothing (to spend) except their effort, so they ridicule them  Allah will ridicule them, and they will have a painful punishment.] To ridicule humans in general This applies to the God-fearing and the Fussaaq, a believer should not humiliate people and or use derogatory nicknames for them, nor should they ridicule their creation. Allah taala says 49/11: [O you who believe let not one group of people make fun of another] And Rasul Allah  sal Allaahu alayhi wa sallam  said, It is enough sin for a person that they would ridicule their Muslim brother. Abdullaah ibn Masood  radi Allaahu anhu  used to say, as narrated by Ibn Abee Aasim, By Allah whom there is no god but He, there is nothing more worthy of a prolonged incarceration then ones tongue. Part II Abu Moosa  radi Allaahu anhu  said: I asked Allahs Messenger, Who out of the Muslims is the best?  He replied, Those whom the other Muslims are safe from his tongue and hands.  Agreed Upon The mockingbird, native to the western hemisphere, has a very interesting name.  The mockingbird gets its name from its ability to mimic the sounds of other animals.  It combines song notes of its own with sounds from other birds, doing so in almost a mocking way.  It is an endangered species, and we hope - in sha Allah  that the mocking it got its name after will become endangered in our communities too. Al-Hasan Al-Basree  rahimahullaah  said, Whoever does not guard the slips of their tongue has not understood their Deen. Dear brothers and sisters, one of the saddest things is to see the regulars of the masjid, or the leaders of the Muslim youth, being the ones who mock others. So many youth groups and Halaqahs around North America are built on this notion that in order to be cool you must ridicule and mock others. In other places, I know personally people that abandoned the local Masjid because they did not want to be ridiculed by the Muslims. They felt more comfort and compassion in the character of the disbelievers. What will Allah taala think of someone that does this to the Muslims, someone who is an obstacle for others to come closer to Allah? If we find a gathering of Muslims to be like this, it is our duty to command the good and forbid the evil and demand that this ridiculing stop once and for all. In conclusion, the questions that begs to be asked is: What is the cure for this disease of the tongue? One: We should know that it is a major sin. In fact, a person may make a single statement  not paying any heed to it  by which he may slip in to Hellfire. Two: We should follow what our tongues are saying and not allow ourselves to stoop to vain talk. Three: We should distance ourselves from those long useless gatherings where nothing is done for hours except laughing and chatting.  Instead, we should replace our gatherings with the remembrance of Allah and good speech. Four: We must glorify this Deen and make enormous in our hearts the commandments of Allah taala. If Allah says do not make fun of one another, our reply should be nothing more then: we hear and we obey. Five: We should warn others of the sin of insulting other people and making fun of them. Let us not allow ourselves to be as a silent Shaytaan listening to others being insulted. Let us speak up and say it clearly that this is not something loved by Allah and His Messenger.  Say that if Allah and His Messenger hate it, then so do I. Six: If you feel yourself that you just have to insult someone, ask Allah to protect you from the Shaytaan and this satanic act.  As Allah taala says (7/200): And if an evil suggestion comes to you from Satan, then seek refuge in Allah. Indeed, He is Hearing and Knowing. Seven: And of course, if anyone of us should fall into this sin, we should be swift in turning back to Allah in Towbah.  Say Astaghfirullaah wa atoobo ilayh, O Allah I ask You to forgive me and I return to You. Allah taala says in the Quran (49/11): And whoever does not repent  then it is those who are the Dhaalimoon (the wrongdoers). Finally, if there is one thing that you remember from this khutbah let it be this following commandment of Allaah taala, memorize it and teach it to at least one other person: [O you who believe let not one group of people make fun of another] ______________________________________________________________________________ Subhanakallahumma wa bihamdika, ash-hadu an laa-ilaha illa ant, astaghfiruka wa atubu ilaik. Wa`alaikum assalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh.
NS

Re: How to control ghibah " backbiting"?
sabri
05/14/02 at 22:59:20
[slm]       I'm wondering...How would one obtain the forgiveness of a backbitten person if one knows it would upset that person? Isn't it better not to inform the backbitten person if one knows it would upset him/her?  [wlm]
05/15/02 at 00:55:13
sabri

Re: How to control ghibah " backbiting"?
M.F.
05/15/02 at 06:57:45
Assalamu alaikum [quote]How would one obtain the forgiveness of a backbitten person if one knows it would upset that person? Isn't it better not to inform the backbitten person if one knows it would upset him/her? [/quote] Allahu a'lam, but I think the backbiter and the person s/he talked about will be brought to settle their accounts on yawm al Qiyyama. It's definitely better not to tell someone you've talked badly about them!  no good could ever come out of that.  It's not like settling accounts with for example someone you've stollen from, where you can just give back what you stole and ask for forgiveness and repent.  Here you repent to Allah, but it's up to the person on the Day whether they themselves will forgive you or not.  Insha Allah no one wants to see anyone go into hellfire so they'll most likely forgive you!  One would hope.

Re: How to control ghibah " backbiting"?
jannah
05/15/02 at 13:13:57
I have some notes on this from the  previous retreat. Inshallah i'll look for them or anyone else can look at their's and post the answer.

Re: How to control ghibah " backbiting"?
humble_muslim
05/15/02 at 13:51:06
[slm] Mashallah, amazing khutba. In Shaykh Uthameen's commentray on Riyadh As Saliheen, he quotes the following hadith (approximate meaning) : "It is enough for the one who backbites his brother to pray to Allah SWT to forgive him (the one who he said bad things about) to be himself forgiven". A little confusing, but in the book I have (which is a trnsaltion and commentray on Shaikh Uthameen's commentary), there is a footnote saying that this hadith is weak.  But my Imam also told me that asking forgivness for the one you backbite is, Inshallah, a way of being forgiven.
NS
05/15/02 at 13:51:55
humble_muslim

Re: How to control ghibah " backbiting"?
muqaddar
05/15/02 at 14:04:25
[slm]  is it backbiting if one of your friends tells incredible lies and one of your other friends is going to rely on their word and you tell them?

Re: How to control ghibah " backbiting"?
humble_muslim
05/15/02 at 16:02:31
[slm] I would think not if it leads to harm.
NS

Re: How to control ghibah " backbiting"?
muqaddar
05/16/02 at 09:14:31
[slm]  jazakalla humble thats a relief cause it was a real dilemma for me   ;-)

Re: How to control ghibah " backbiting"?
isra81
05/18/02 at 00:40:11
Salam Alaikum....Is slander same meaning with backbite? Is it backbite when someone has spread about me unkorrectly (not true) thinks?  [wlm]

Re: How to control ghibah " backbiting"?
jannah
05/18/02 at 02:41:16
Ok here are some notes: What if you have committed transgressions against others? -Go the one whose right you violated. Say "I seek your forgiveness, please (Istihlaal) - release me".  Dhunub (sins) are chains an improsonment, so you are seeking freedom from the master of the violation. Once you've violated someone's rights they've become your master. You've sold yourself to him/her. They can say "no". A mu'min should say "ok, go" in the hope that they'll be forgiven and knowing that Allah likes those who forgive. If master says "no", since you chose to be a slave, try again and keep trying. If it's true tawbah it becomes easy until one day they forgive. -I must increase my pool of hasanat because what if on the Day of Judgement they say no. - If a person died or is not there -unreachable can't reach by 'urfi customary means. If in life violation then should go to guardians of who you killed and leave yourself to sharhi law. The only way to rectify a life is this. In shari'ah if the guardians forgive you, no capital punishment. Then you will go to Allah free - If usurped property (nowadays very sophisticated) have to give property back or to heirs. If can't find them then give it away as a sadaqat but in their name! Don't appear as if you're generious - If caused emotional damage - go to person and say "this is what I did/said..please forgive me". If they did not know it and telling them would cause more problems -- just go to them, ask forgiveness, but don't be specific/be vague. -If person inaccessible, then when they come up in conversation speak good of them and praise/celebrate the ahlil dhikr etc in the presence of others to accumulate good hasanat.

Re: How to control ghibah " backbiting"?
mwishka
05/18/02 at 15:11:20
finally, finally was able to get in here to reply! anonymous, i'm not muslim, so my advice is merely practical and not based on islam. first, anonymous, being talkative has nothing to do with what you talk about.  being talkative and talking about others are unrelated, in essence.  my perspective on this has only to do with deciding for yourself what is right and wrong - i have my own problems with the idea that someone would or wouldn't do something because of the fear of punishment.  i consider this a weak reason to decide how to live your life.  i think you can't change your actions if that's your motivation.  in order to change, i'd suggest you do the following.  take some time and think about who you are, think about why you would talk about other people (is it to compare yourself to them?  is it because you don't understand them?  is it because other people do this and you want to fit in?)   you have to think carefully about who you are, and what prompts you to this action, who you want to be, and why this action does not fit in with that ideal you hold for yourself. if you find yourself in a situation where other people are making fun of anyone or making generalized harmful statements about any person or group of people, you have to speak up.  i suggest you say out loud something as simple as  "i am very uncomfortable with what you're saying", stand up and leave.  it doesn't matter where you are - a meeting, a dinner, a class - and no it's not easy.  it can make you feel scared.  but you have to do it.  be quiet, be polite, don't argue, don't engage anyone in the rightness or wrongness of your choice.  you will also most likely be laughed at for doing this, you might get called names, but none of these things matter.  they have nothing to do with you.  in fact, you can come to be ok with being laughed at, especially when it's just part of doing what you feel inside you is right.  personally, i don't think it's enough to stop yourself from doing it if you don't make clear to those you're doing it with that it's wrong not just for you, but as a practice. i think it does help to go over in your mind the times this has happened, and think about HOW it happened, and why you chose at that time to participate.  you can figure out a lot about yourself by evaluating the things you do that end up displeasing you, but you have to take the time to do it, and you have to do it seriously.  i've even found myself talking about other people without even realizing it, kind of innocently.  but it doesn't matter how innocently you arrived there - once you're there, you're there, and then you have to deal with it. i wish you success in making this change. mwishka

Re: How to control ghibah " backbiting"?
BrKhalid
05/21/02 at 09:31:42
Asalaamu Alaikum ;-) [quote]if you find yourself in a situation where other people are making fun of anyone or making generalized harmful statements about any person or group of people, you have to speak up.  i suggest you say out loud something as simple as  "i am very uncomfortable with what you're saying", stand up and leave.  it doesn't matter where you are - a meeting, a dinner, a class - and no it's not easy.  it can make you feel scared.  but you have to do it.  be quiet, be polite, don't argue, don't engage anyone in the rightness or wrongness of your choice[/quote] mwishka the above reminded me of this verse When thou seest men engaged in vain discourse about Our signs, turn away from them unless they turn to a different theme. If Satan ever makes thee forget, then after recollection, sit not thou in the company of those who do wrong[6:68]
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