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Help! Sister on my mind...

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Help! Sister on my mind...
Anonymous
05/16/02 at 03:37:40
AOA

i got a problem boys...

i'm very attracted to this one sister and i can't help it, there's is no way i can get
married for a while and this sister is on my mind day in and day out. HELP!

Ma salam
Re: Help! Sister on my mind...
Kathy
05/16/02 at 08:55:08
[slm]

First of all- I see you posted this at 3 in the morning-----
Go to sleep!

Better yet - Before you go to sleep make your intention and Fast!

Se7en's rubberband theory works wonders!
Re: Help! Sister on my mind...
muqaddar
05/16/02 at 10:45:00
[slm]

 have you considered banging your head against a brick wall...

 you'll find REAL pain will make you forget about the fake one..  ;D
Re: Help! Sister on my mind...
nouha
05/16/02 at 23:01:48
[slm]

oh come on u men! give em realy answers!!!!  :P

wasalam
nouha:)
Re: Help! Sister on my mind...
bhaloo
05/17/02 at 01:17:03
[slm]

This was something I saved from the old old board.

AL -JAWAB AL- KAAFI

What do the scholars of this deen advise a man afflicted by an
affliction ("falling in love"), and it is clear that if this situation
continues that it will destroy his dunya and akhira,inspite of the fact
he tried every means to prevent this,but it only became worse.what is
the way to stop this(obsession)?and how to remove it? may Allah reward
you for giving us a fatwa. So he(ibn qayyim) wrote this book Al jawab al
kaafi liman s'ala an ad dawa as shafi(the comlpete answer for the one
who asked for the comprehensive cure)

Al hamdulilah amma bad, it has been established in Al bukharis' adab al
mufrad that the prophet(may the peace and blessing of allah be upon
him)said " there is no disease Allah sends except for it there is a
cure;knows who knows it, ignorant of it who is ignorant of it"

Thus, these cures is not just physically, but also for the heart and
spiritually. and Allah made our sickness ignorance and its cure
asking(knowledge) the scholars "ask the people of knoledge if you dont
know" as Allah commands in the Qu'ran. However there is some things you
must pay attention to, and that is these duas and ayat that one seeks a
cure from, are a means not an end in itself, eventhough it might be
beneficial.therefore ,the effect of these dua being accepted,and the
ayat being effictive depends on the strength of the concern of the
person making the dua and reading these ayat.

So whenever these dhikr dont not work it is either due to the weak
effort the person put out or something inside of him preventing these
adhkar(plural of dhikr) from being accepted. as we can see in
medecine,isn't it that we see sometimes that a medicine may not work for
someone not because it not right but it can be something natural in that
person that prevents it from being accepted. Thus adhkar can be amongst
the strongest means to prevent evil and obtain good.but these results
can be delayed by that persons' weakness,or he does not like Allah (and
he is unaware of it), or he has some enemity towards Allah, or by his
eating of haram foods, or simply his heart has become darkened and
heedlessness,forgetfullness and idleness has conquered him.This is why
we see in the hadeeth in saheeh muslim that the man was on a long trip,
his whole body covered in dust, raises his hands to the sky saying "ya
rabbi", "ya rabbi" and his food is haram,and his clothing is haram and
he live off of the hararm- how does he expects Allah to answer him?

As for the issue of "falling in love" he (ibn qayyim) said- most of the
sins mankind commit are from 4 doors: 1;looking (noticing)-this is the
messanger for desires.and guarding this is the true guarding of the
private parts.for whoever throws his glances everwhere opens up him
self to detruction. This is wht the prophet(pbuh) said to Ali"do not
follow your glance by a second look" and whoever lowers his gaze from a
beautiful woman Allah lets him taste the sweetness of emaan until the
day of judgement.

The first glance gives birth to a thought, then it gives birth to an
idea,then desires,then a want, then this strenghtens and it becomes a
set mind frame, then there is no stopping. this is why they say having
patience on lowering n ones' gaze is much easier than patience on the
pain that follows it.

And from the consequences of this simple look is hassraat(a feeling of
great loss) and it burns the heart, because this person see what he can
have and he does not have patience in dealing upon that. and this is the
painfull of punishments.


Ibn Qayyim continues
by saying," and from the amazing ill-effects of staring at another
person, is that this look is like an arrow that does not reach the one
whom it is sent to, but, instead boomerangs and comes back only to
injure the stares, thus causing the heart to ache.

and what is more amazing than this is that injuries follows injuries,
because this hurt feeling does not prevent this person from seeking
their goal.(i understand know what the poor fella from Parphyde was
going through when he sang"she keeps on passing me by") as one poet said
"drinking is my problem but in it i seek my cure"  All these (evil
effects of not lowering ones' gaze was just an introduction to show the
prohibition of lewdness and tho obligation to protect ones' private
parts, this is why the prophet(pbuh) said"the thing that wil most enter
people in the fire: the mouth and the private parts." and also in the
saheehain(bukhari and muslim)he(pbuh) said " the blood of a muslim is
not halal except in 3 cases;the fornicator and the adulterer, a soul for
a soul, and the one who apostates breaking off from thejammat" and in
this hadeeth the prophet(pbuh) compared zina with kufr.

He(pbuh)began with the greatest sins people commit most often in rank -
zina, then killing then apostacy,and we seek refuge in Allah from them
all.

As for zina it erases the rightiousness in the world.when a woman
commits zina it uncovers the family awrwah, they have to bow theirheads
in shame. and if she becomes pregnant there is an abortion, then 2 major
sins are combined. and if the child is born the a child that is not
wanted enters into the family, the
child inherits and is not from them (islamically). and there is much
more evil from zina that only Allah knows.( this was 700 years ago in
Damascus,Syria when he wrote this; imagine volumes of books he would
have to write if he saw whats going on today!) and from the evil
efffects of zina,-it leads to poverty and a decreased life span, and it
pruduce a darkness in the face of the zaani(fornicator), this is why
some scholars pionted out that Allah follows up the ayat 30 in sura Nur
"tell the believiers to lower their gaze......"(to the end of the ayat),
by saying ayat in 35 "Allah is the light of the heavens and earth"-
meaning lower your gaze and the light of Allah will be reflected not
only on heart, but also on your face!

;=============

There is wisdom behind why Allah (SWT) tells us to lower our gaze.  What has happened is a mistake of which you are going to bear the bitter consequences, but you have to be sincere towards Allaah and strive to repent and turn back to Him. If this girl is not destined to be your lot in life, then ask Allaah to compensate you with someone better than her. “Verily, he who fears Allaah with obedience to Him, and is patient, then surely, Allaah makes not the reward of the muhsinoon (good-doers) to be lost.” [Yoosuf 12:90 – interpretation of the meaning].

Avoid all contact with this girl, do not go to places where you may run into or see her, do not talk to her, cut off all communications with her, insha'Allah with time this will help you to forget about her.
Re: Help! Sister on my mind...
jannah
05/17/02 at 03:09:21
[wlm]

hmm anonymous isn't up at 3 AM, it's me !! that's usually when i do the maintenance stuff like put up the anonymous . I dunno when he posted...

but anyways... i think bro, if you would allow me as not a bro to give some advice, that you should seriously sit down and think this attachment out in practical terms.

like ok I like this sister... i can't get married for 2 years because of my parents, but i really like her... so Islamically i have to figure out a way here.  either try to convince your parents, get engaged or have your nikah, or decide it's impossible now and fast, disconnect all forms of communication/involvement with her etc.
also find out if she's already involved, what her plans are through people because you may be saving yourself alot of heartache if you find out she's involved or engaged or ends up not liking you!! :(

so the thing is  "crush"s and "attachments" survive for long periods of time because they are usually  unrealistic - made up versions of the person b/c u don't know them that well.

it's unhealthy and dare i wonder if it's "right"  to be thinking about a sister day in and day out without some type of legal relationship with her... so figure out how to change that inshaAllah!
05/17/02 at 03:10:08
jannah
Re: Help! Sister on my mind...
mujaahid
05/17/02 at 11:45:58
[slm]

Bro, answers a questions first.

1) Why can't you get married? Whats stopping you?

Once we have the answer to that, i'm sure many will be able to offer advice.

Does this sister know?
Re: Help! Sister on my mind...
explorer
05/18/02 at 06:01:25
[slm]
Bro, I think you need to get out a bit more. Theres far more important things in life than some girl.....like World cup football! Now what can be more important than that?! :)

Anyway, all this 'can't get her outta my mind' stuff reminds me of Kylie ;D When that sorta stuff happens, its only a crush and normally a teenage phenomenon. It happens to all of us. Normally we get so self-absorbed by this person that we put all other things in life aside: everything revolves around this one person.

What you need to do is preoccupy yourself with other things. See your friends more often, visit the mosque, go out and get involved in some sporting activity. What I've realised is the more you go out, the more faces (pretty ones too:)) you'll see, which should help to 'dilute' her face from your mind (if thats the right way to describe). Of course this is assuming you're attracted just to her looks at this stage and no emotional attachment. It should work inshallah.
Re: Help! Sister on my mind...
Kashif
05/18/02 at 15:09:55
assalaamu alaikum

Yep, i have to agree with the others here. You'll only be thinking so much of her if you haven't really got much else to do. Try to get out and involve yourself in other activities, da'wah, leisure, etc.

And crushes do pass.

Kashif
Wa Salaam
NS
Re: Help! Sister on my mind...
Anonymous
05/20/02 at 18:08:52
AOA wa rahmatullah

JazakAllah khairun everyone.
yeah I think it's just a crush...and InshAllah things r already moving in the positive
direction(meaning im getting out of it). Alhamdulillah...as the brother mentioned earlier,
I saw a prettier one today.... hehe.. na just kidding..
I really appreciate every brother and sister's words and thoughts and beleive me they did
help :)
but one thing that still conerns me, i-e I can fast..I can stay away as much as possible
but what do i do when I get approached by the sister?..do I ignore? or i say wa salam,
turn around and dont look back? or i say to the sister politely, i cant talk to you any
more and leave her guessing Y? do I care of how she feels after? ( she probably thinks of me
as a real brother ?). or any other way?

Thank you again ikhwan and akhwat
wasalam
Re: Help! Sister on my mind...
muqaddar
05/21/02 at 07:41:11
[slm]

  ;D

  hmm marry this girl then you'll find out what she's like!


  Husn is a few months akhi
  after that your left with the scent or the badboo!
Re: Help! Sister on my mind...
jannah
05/21/02 at 09:28:57
Just treat her politely like you would any other sister!
Re: Help! Sister on my mind...
AyeshaZ
05/21/02 at 14:06:12
[quote author=muqaddar link=board=bro;num=1021534660;start=0#10 date=05/21/02 at 07:41:11] [slm]

Husn is a few months akhi
after that your left with the scent or the badboo![/quote]
wohh thats a funny way of describing it   :D
Re: Help! Sister on my mind...
mujaahid
05/23/02 at 01:49:57
[slm]

Bro your saying you have a crush on her, and that she also approaches you also? So maybe she feels the same about you. So why not just marry her?

Anyway, if you dont, then be polite and tell her you feel uncomfortable talking to her as your turning into a fundy!

Or invite her to these boards and the sisters can advise her ;-)
Re: Help! Sister on my mind...
rchater
06/02/02 at 20:24:03
[slm]

Brother, get over it! What you are experiencing is similar to a thirsty man in the sahara when he sees a mirage of water! Don't be lured in by looks.  It's takes alot more than just physical attraction to make a relationship work.  ::)


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