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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Frustrated with Non-Muslim Family |
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| Ahlam |
| 05/18/02 at 12:18:43 |
| I converted (reverted) to Islam over a year ago and have been married for almost 6 months now. Since I came to Islam on my own, my family doesn't blame my husband for my conversion. They do however tell me that he is the reason I wear a scarf.....that he is opressing me. I wore a scarf even before I met him so I know that these remarks are only to discurage me from wearing hijab. They have always asked me why I wear hijab! I try to give them answers, but none are good enough. I tell them that it is required and they ask why. I tell them that it is for modesty and protection and they laugh. They scoff at me and say that I can be modest without a scarf and that men could look at me lustfully even with a scarf. It seems that every reason I give them is not good enough and never will be. My husband and I now say very little when they ask us these same questions over and over again. We are tired of giving the same answers and being attacked for it. I know that they will never leave me alone....they told me that they won't. It is so hard to enjoy visiting them when all I get to hear is how stupid I am for wearing a scarf in the summer. I am also tired of some family members calling me rag head....etc.! I don't know how or if I can help this situation. Do any of you? :( |
| Re: Frustrated with Non-Muslim Family |
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| sofia |
| 05/18/02 at 12:46:49 |
| As-salaamu 'alaikum wa rahmatullah, Ahlam! Mabrook/congrats on your wedding, hope all else is well with you, insha'Allah. Sorry to hear about your family, I have a friend going through something similar. Might be that the best way to convince them that you're doing the right thing is to just be the best daughter/family member (ie, Muslim) you can be...of course, the hijaab factor will be the first thing they see, but as long as you can maintain your individuality, intellect, kindness, etc - they'll have to respect you for the person behind the hijaab, insha'Allah. As long as non-Muslims see that Muslim women can do normal things and aren't timid about their beliefs, insha'Allah they'll be able to see beyond the hijaab. But I don't blame the nay-sayers; Muslim minorities have only started to (collectively) become a bit more proactive in teaching others the truth about Islam, rather than having non-Muslims define/interpret it, only reacting when things *really* get out of hand (if even that). Considering how xenophobic segments of the Western world are, try not to make Islam sound foreign. It's basic teachings are pretty much the same as any other revealed religion's (as though modesty is not taught in Christianity or Judaism!). But don't give up. In the meantime, you could wear colorful hijaabs/clothing (wouldn't recommend that under normal circumstances); I knew of someone who converted to Islam because, as she puts it, she loved the way Muslim women dressed. Maintain your relations with them, tone down on black (ironic how black is popular everywhere, but when Muslim women wear it, whoooaaaahhh), don't make Islam sound foreign, joke with them, get involved with the community, and trust in Allah. Allahu'alim, may Allah make things easy for you, aameen. |
| 05/18/02 at 12:54:42 |
| sofia |
| Re: Frustrated with Non-Muslim Family |
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| Kashif |
| 05/18/02 at 14:25:59 |
| assalaamu alaikum In other threads i've read sisters say that one of the best responses to such questions is, 'i wear it because it is one of God's commands to do so.' They said it stopped people from continuing in asking petty questions. |
| NS |
| 05/18/02 at 14:26:57 |
| Kashif |
| Re: Frustrated with Non-Muslim Family |
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| Dawn |
| 05/18/02 at 15:06:49 |
| There was a discussion along these lines a month or so ago in the Cafe. The link is [i] [url=http://www.jannah.org/cgi-bin/madina/YaBB.pl?board=sis;action=display;num=1019593007;start=0] here [/url] [/i]. There is one thing I might add to that though, as you are a revert living, I presume anyway, in a predominantly non-Muslim country. Wearing a headcovering identifies you as a Muslim. It gives you an opportunity to show others, who are probably watching you more closely than they otherwise would, what it means to be a Muslim. It is your way of telling those around you that you are a Muslim, that you are happy with your choice of religions, and that you can still be a "real" person too. It also makes others more likely to ask general questions of you about Islam, which can be a real opportunity for eliminating incorrect preconceived ideas that people might have. To me, given the differences in modesty between cultures and the difference modern weapons have made to safety/protection, the identification issue is more important (than the modesty or protection arguments) for a Muslim living in a non-Muslim (usually Western) society. As for your family, unless they are really unusual, they will come around. Harping on the same old thing gets old after a while, and in a few years, they will be used to you in it and will most likely have forgotten. I know that doesn't sound encouraging now, but things really do usually settle down after a while. Finally, these are just my own (as of yet non-Muslim) opinions, so feel free to reject what doesn't make sense to you. Peace, Dawn |
| 05/18/02 at 15:13:27 |
| Dawn |
| Re: Frustrated with Non-Muslim Family |
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| Marcie |
| 05/19/02 at 10:19:36 |
| [color=Teal] [slm] Mabruk on your wedding. :-X I'm glad to see you back here. Just be patient with your family and keep making dua. Almost all of the sisters that I know had a tough time in the begining, but after awhile your family will stop when they see that this is not a phase and that this is your life lump it or leave it. My father had a terrible time adjusting to the headscarf in the beginning. I was living in Europe and when I came home to visit it was terrible. We were not able to do anything outside the house together as a family because he was so uncomfortable. My mother even tried to help me get a ticket so that I could leave early. He did not mind me wearing the headscarf in Europe, but for him I was no longer an American. He was terribly worried about what others would think. Al hamdu lillah that was a longer time ago and I have been truly blessed with my family. Like I said and others have said just be patient and don't say anything that you'll regret. I used to go up to my room and read Quran. Maybe you can try that. :-[ [wlm] Marcie :-) [/color] |
| Re: Frustrated with Non-Muslim Family |
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| humble_muslim |
| 05/20/02 at 10:42:20 |
| [slm] Welcome back Ahlam, long time no hear! Congrats on your marriage, I'm very happy for you! I think the best thing for you is just to try and stay calm, as I'm sure you do, and don't let yourself be winded up. Believe me, what you are going thru is not unique to muslims living in non-muslim families, but also happens when muslims in muslim families start wearing hijab or become more practicing in other ways. Just try and BE CALM at all times (something I learnt from my mistakes **smile**). |
| NS |
| ;DRe: Frustrated with Non-Muslim Family |
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| muqaddar |
| 05/21/02 at 06:10:40 |
| [slm] 1) Tell them your bald... ;D 2) what do you care what they think! ;D |
| Re: Frustrated with Non-Muslim Family |
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| PeaceSeeker |
| 05/22/02 at 02:16:00 |
| [slm] I think I have something which might help you out. I some time back had a conversation with a fellow female class mate at the university I attend. She as everybody was asking me why do muslim women wear a scarf. I said, one word, Modesty. She said, you mean to say I am not dressed up modestly. she was wearing a shirt and jeans pants which by american standard is very modest. I said, no not really 'cause by american standards you are modestly dressed but it just so happens we muslims have higher standards of modesty. She says I still don't see how wearing a scarf is a higher standard of modesty and something more to the same effect as your family said. Like "I can be modest without a scarf and that men could look at me lustfully even with a scarf". I tell her okay, let me clear this thing up for you. I ask her, would you wear a silk two piece bikini to class or even just walk down the street in broad day light. She goes, NEVER would I do such a thing. It was really shocking for her to even imagine that. Especially if your a white conservative living in alabama. I ask her why not? you'll get a lot of attention. She says, exactly, thats one kinda attention I'm not looking for. I said, it doesn't matter what you wear people will still look at you lustfully so why the hassale? she says but if I dress the way I am dressed a lesser number of people would look at me with lust compared to me wearing a bikini. I said, so you see my point. The more you cover yourself the less number of people would be tempted. The conversation then led to why women are being singled out. Men should also do the same and on and on the conversation went. But the scarf part got cleared off. I hope this helps PeaceSeeker |
| Re: Frustrated with Non-Muslim Family |
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| Noor |
| 05/23/02 at 02:30:48 |
| [slm] For some reason your post reminded me of [url=http://www.islamzine.com/articles/letter.html] this [/url] article. Maybe you too can write a letter to your family explaining not only why you wear hijab but why you have chosen Islam to be your way of life. wassalamu alaikum :-* |
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