A R C H I V E S
Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| I hate my husband? |
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| Anonymous |
| 05/20/02 at 18:06:52 |
| Asalamalekum all, I know i'm using such a strong word "hate" for my husband but i dont have any choice. He is always disrespectful to me, but doesnt use the same tone when it comes to his own family. Before marriage he would tell me that he wants to become a better muslim and thats mainly the reason he is choosing me since i wear hijab and tries my best to live according to islam. I bought that line since i myself was learning about islam and thought that it would be great to learn it together. NOw i think i have made the biggest mistake of my life. He has changed a lil withthe time meaning that started praying and fear allah swt some what but not in all the issues. LIke interest or paying debts off, and other family issues. I have tried talking to him so many times, but all in vain. I know in allah swt divorce is the most dislike thing. I dont know what else to do . He does swear at times. Which kills me and makes me think that how come a "muslim man" can call his wife such a dragotory names who is the mother of his children. I dont know what to do. I"m falling in depression and cant seem to get out of it. Help me !!!! |
| 05/21/02 at 08:48:32 |
| Kathy |
| Re: I hate my husband? |
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| Hijabi4eva |
| 05/21/02 at 05:57:38 |
| salams sis, i think the best thing u can do is turn to allah (swt), n mayb do ur xtra prayers!!! Allah (swt) tests those he loves! if u wernt capible enough of this test, allah (swt) wud neva test u in this way!!! be strong n pray more!!! wa-salam :-* |
| Re: I hate my husband? |
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| Kathy |
| 05/21/02 at 08:53:56 |
| [slm] How many children do you have? What are their ages? Are his parents around- or brother/sister? Does he respect them? If so perhaps you can ask for their assistance. Does he like to read? If you are not up to confiding or asking for help- can you give him some articles/hadeeth to read/ How about some tapes? if he doesn't read? How would he feel if you went to the Imam for advice? Can you go out with the ladies for a night out? Sometimes, when a woan has this to look forward to- it helps with depression. Also- my concern is- does he say these bad things to/about you in front of the children? |
| Re: I hate my husband? |
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| mujaahid |
| 05/22/02 at 11:13:09 |
| [slm] If your husband is being abusive to you, and you are not happy with him, and you married him on the basis that he may change, than sadly, i think you HAVE made the biggest mistake of your life. What you see is what you get. If your husband said you may change him etc etc, than that was an extremely bad situation to get involved him. Obviously you werent happy with all his charateristics before you married, so was it really a wise thing to do to marry him? If you could turn the clock back, would you still marry him? I dont know about divorce, it is the most disliked thing, but it is allowed. If your husband is being abusive to you, and he doesnt change, even with counselling, then for your own sake, a divorce would be the only option. |
| Re: I hate my husband? |
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| Kareema_Abdul-Khab |
| 05/23/02 at 02:48:39 |
| [slm] Mujahid, I think this sister is well aware of the mistakes she made. She can't turn back the clock, so what good are 'what ifs' now? What she needs now is a way to go forward. Depression can have some pretty devastating consequences, so is your marriage worth going through this? Personally, if possible, I would recommend a seperation, maybe not formally, so you can breathe some fresh air, get some sunshine and get your head and heart together about your marriage, since you seem to be confused. |
| Re: I hate my husband? |
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| mujaahid |
| 05/23/02 at 04:12:14 |
| Assalaamu-alaikum Kareema is said what i did as a warning to other sisters who feel they may be able to change a man they wish to marry. It dont happen. The guy only chnages himself, you cannot make him. |
| Re: I hate my husband? |
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| Caraj |
| 05/23/02 at 22:27:46 |
| I like Kathy's thoughts, What is the head of a Mosque? I know in churches they are pastors or priests depending upon the belief. Maybe you can ask the assistance of both your family and his. Maybe you can go to the head or leader of the Mosque for guidance. I wish you well, I have experienced both emotional, verbal and phy abuse in a past marriage. Disrespect and mean words sure takes it's toll. You'll be in my prayers Anon |
| Re: I hate my husband? |
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| Mentallect |
| 05/26/02 at 23:41:11 |
| considering seeing a professional councelor, if that fails, remove yourself from the situation. thats what i'd do anyway. |
| Re: I hate my husband? |
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| Aabidah |
| 05/27/02 at 22:33:35 |
| [slm] I agree with everyone else that seeing a counselor would be best. If you don't know any counselors, how bout your masjid Imam? Try to get his family involved, have them talk to him and try to find out what the problem is. I will make dua'a for you InshaAllah that everything goes well and like sis Hijabi4eva said, make more dua'a and pray more inshaAllah. [wlm] Betul |
| Re: I hate my husband? |
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| eleanor |
| 05/29/02 at 08:53:14 |
| [quote author=mujaahid link=board=sis;num=1021932412;start=0#5 date=05/23/02 at 04:12:14] The guy only chnages himself, you cannot make him. [/quote] never underestimate the power of prayer - dua, dua and more dua, and Insha Allah, Allah, swt, will hear you.. I know of one sister whose husband had a very short temper and was very impatient, she made dua for weeks that Allah would give him patience and gentleness. Along with her careful managing of the situation, it brought about a 180 degree change in the man. She said he is a lot calmer now and doesn't tend to fly off the handle over small things anymore, Subhan Allah :) wasalaam eleanor |
| 05/29/02 at 08:57:31 |
| eleanor |
| Re: I hate my husband? |
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| se7en |
| 06/04/02 at 04:20:24 |
| as salaamu alaykum, [quote]If your husband is being abusive to you, and you are not happy with him, and you married him on the basis that he may change, than sadly, i think you HAVE made the biggest mistake of your life. [/quote] This is an unbelievably callous way to do deal with your sister in Islam. She came here to ask for our advice in her time of need, not to be berated and criticized. I understand you want to emphasize this point for others, but this is not the way to do it. |
| 06/04/02 at 04:22:02 |
| se7en |
| Re: I hate my husband? |
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| UmmAbdulRahman |
| 06/06/02 at 17:00:22 |
| [slm] Dear sister, Islam tells us that when we are having marriage problems and they reach a difficult state such as yours, then we should seek a third party to communicate between us and moderate our discussions towards solving the problem. GO TO YOUR IMAM or a shikh that you trust. That is what he is there for-that is his job and responsibility in front of Allah. We need to turn to our leaders in these times. Go to someone in your family as well. At this stage, don't try to solve the problem on your own. You need someone to help you with this. May Allah preserve your marriage and fill it with excellent and beautiful qualities. |
| Re: I hate my husband? |
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| Anas |
| 06/20/02 at 03:16:09 |
| [slm] ;-) May Allah Be with you, Make you to be steadfast on your religion and Grant you good reward for your troubles. Just remeber that this is Life :) You have to be patient and advise him in the way that is best. Remind him of Allah and the Last Day ( This works perfectly, if its said in the "right" way) perhaps he will respond and come back to the right path. If he does not respond, then the sin will be on him and you will have a great reward for your patience and for putting up with his offensive behaviour. And MAKE Duaa' in every prayer. But if you can't take it anymore, then ??? Divorce might be a way out. May Allah put things right between you and guide your husband and bring him back to the right path of goodness and guidance, for He is the Most Generous, Most Kind. |
| Re: I hate my husband? |
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| sam |
| 06/26/02 at 16:42:41 |
| [slm] [slm] unfortunately i am ina similar situation...though alh my husband does not swear at me but he is very egotistical and uses a very condicending tone when he is upset with soewmthing i have done which could be something like leaving a cup in the sitting room for maybe a day without thinking of puting it in the kitchen or that a small onion peel was on the kitchen floor and i didn;t pick it up...for those reasons he would call me lazy and that i was not house proud. we have a 4 month baby together. lately he tok the bus back from work witha female collegue who i don;t really like the sound of. they sat together on the same seat!!!!!band talked all the way until my husbad got off. i am soo anoyed with huma dn the fact that he wishes not to clear up the matter enrages me even more!!! when he told me i got upset and left the room saying "thanks" in an annoyed tone...he then decided he would not clear up the matter as he did not wish to make me feel better as that week we had many arguments and he did not care for me that much any more. so i kinda hate him too right now...but i still love him!!! it's wierd. i am really confused too. i tried to tlak to his mother but she said that he was not like that and i had nothing to worry about. she also said that all men sometimes give lifts to women from work back home and that there is nothing wrong with what her son has done!!!!! appently that's what her husband used to do ( he died when my husband was a baby)so i can't really rely on her for advice can i? i asked my husband that we should see imaam to get through our problems but he just glared at me without a word and carried on what he was doing. like you i must pray to allaha nd beg for his forgivness..maybe i am being punished for soemthing i may have done in the past? i think we shoud both concentrate on the hereafter and not just this world. hopefully that should help us both to keep our minds at rest. husbands can be domineering idiots but we must not forget why we are here..be patient and pray!!!inshallah may allah help us all! |
| 06/26/02 at 17:00:36 |
| Kathy |
| Re: I hate my husband? |
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| Kathy |
| 06/26/02 at 17:30:06 |
| [quote author=sam link=board=sis;num=1021932412;start=0#13 date=06/26/02 at 16:42:41]...my husband ... uses a very condicending tone when he is upset with something i have done which could be something like leaving a cup in the sitting room for maybe a day without thinking of puting it in the kitchen[/quote] Ok- sure he shouldn't use a condescending tone- but as a mom- i would say - pick up your mess! There is no reason a cup should be left sitting for a day in a sitting room. Has this happened before? Is he irritated and is now treating you like a child? [quote] or that a small onion peel was on the kitchen floor and i didn;t pick it up...for those reasons he would call me lazy and that i was not house proud. we have a 4 month baby together.[/quote] I too would be irritated with food on the floor- it attracts pests and insects. [quote] they sat together on the same seat!!!!![/quote] Yeah- this would put me over the edge too- unless it was the last seat on the bus and he had a handicapp. [quote]i am soo anoyed with him and the fact that he wishes not to clear up the matter enrages me even more!!![/quote] How would you like him to clear the matter up?- [quote]when he told me i got upset and left the room saying "thanks" in an annoyed tone...[/quote] Trust me ... men do not truely understand the meaning of sarcasm. Why do you think he told you? [quote]he did not care for me that much any more.[/quote] Did he say that - or was this your perception?- Or was it that he did not want to address this issue anymore.... [quote]so i kinda hate him too right now.[/quote] Nah- you are just irritated and angry at how he is dismissing your feelings. [quote]i tried to talk to his mother....[/quote] Another "trust me"- Mom's just [i]know their son's are perfect....[/i] [quote]but she said that he was not like that and i had nothing to worry about. [/quote] She is probably right... hmmm. I wonder what your hubby would think if someone told him that they say his wife sitting on a bus and chatting with a good looking man? [i]I used to think it was ok too, until my hubby did it to me, and then I understood[/i] [quote]she also said that all men sometimes give lifts to women from work back home and that there is nothing wrong with what her son has done!!!!! [/quote] Men, maybe... Muslim men? Probably not. [quote]i asked my husband that we should see imaam to get through our problems but he just glared at me without a word and carried on what he was doing.[/quote] It is wrong for him to do this... if he is a Muslim there is a good chance he knows it too. Few men would want to admit to this infront of any Brother... Muchless their Imam!.... i would smile demuraly back.... and let him think i was going to the Imam. [quote]maybe i am being punished for something i may have done in the past?[/quote] Hey... only you know... or maybe it is a test.... [quote]husbands can be domineering idiots[/quote] wow :o I am speechless... you all can try to figure out why! [quote] but we must not forget why we are here..be patient and pray!!!inshallah may allah help us all! [/quote] Insha Allah. |
| Re: I hate my husband? |
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| sam |
| 06/27/02 at 03:59:12 |
| well the cup thing was an example of seomtheing that would make him angry with me and shout, but i also would not leave the cup ina sitting room for a day unles i genuinely forgot about it. the onion peel was soooo tiny that i didn't notice it until he pointed it out.. i was pregnant then and my stomach limited my view of things directly under me. when i tried to talk more about what happened on the bus he simply refused to talk about it so i don't really know why he sat next to her and what was the reason for doing it....so naturally i am going to think the worst and that maybe they both got on and without thinking sat together talking and joking around together. before when we got together , i like you never really saw the problem of men and women sitting togethr until my husband pointed out the dangers of this happening and also that he would not want me ever to sit next to or go on lkuches with a male colleegue and i was not to keep any male freinds. i was also told not to engage in idol chat with any male either....so why does my husband think it is ok for him to do this? he actually said that he didn't care for my feelings bt it ciuld have also been a way of not dicussing the matter further. his mother meant all men including muslim men too as apparently her husband used to do that and even give rides home to women!? i don't actually know this for a fact as he passed away when my husand was a baby. the last remark seems to have shocked you but if i put in everything he says and does then you woiuldn't have quite the same reactoin. he even thinks that as aman he is supposed to be the domineering one and i must do everything he orders me to doand he does not need to do anything for me as feeding and clothing me and having conversations with me is more than what other woemn get from their husbands so i should just stop complaining. he will do anything for his sister or mother....but for me he feels that i am trying to be clever in getting him to do stuff for me and so he makes it known that he is not happy when i ask him to do even the smalles t thing like put the kettle on whilst i am change our babywho is crying out of hunger after his bath so that the water is ready for me to heat up his milk. he feels that after work he does not need to anything round the house as his work is done for the day. what can i do to change his mentality and to make him understand that i am not trying to compete with him for authority in the house. i love him....but when he accuses me of trying to pull a fast one then it hurts abd i breakdown. |
| Re: I hate my husband? |
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| Kathy |
| 06/27/02 at 20:22:56 |
| [wlm] [quote author=sam link=board=sis;num=1021932412;start=15#15 date=06/27/02 at 03:59:12]well the cup thing was an example of seomtheing that would make him angry with me and shout, but i also would not leave the cup ina sitting room for a day unles i genuinely forgot about it.[/quote] I didn't think so- I have seen many a messy home and was wondering if your's was. Not that it would neccessarily be your fault- I am glad you cleared that up. Shouting is just never necessary... [quote]the onion peel was soooo tiny that i didn't notice it until he pointed it out.. i was pregnant then and my stomach limited my view of things directly under me.[/quote] He yelled when you were pregnant and over such a thing... if only he should wear a 50lb boulder for nine months and see how easy it is to notice things on the ground muchless bend over! [quote]when i tried to talk more about what happened on the bus he simply refused to talk about it [/quote] because of his knowledge and lack of hayaa he knows he is wrong. On the other hand is he American and beginning to get used to acting proper? [quote]so i don't really know why he sat next to her and what was the reason for doing it....so naturally i am going to think the worst [/quote] Do you know the hadiths about suspicion? [quote]....so why does my husband think it is ok for him to do this? [/quote] Do you think he thinks this is ok? or is he just not ready to stop this activity? [quote]he actually said that he didn't care for my feelings[/quote] In the heat of an arguement men... and women, say alot of things they don't really mean. Yet, i have found men who really don't care what thier wives think- only what their friends think of them... Alot of women have alot of knowledge, it is that man's loss.... [quote]the last remark seems to have shocked you but if i put in everything he says and does then you woiuldn't have quite the same reactoin.[/quote] Been there and have had that reaction. I think of the ayat about there is someting good in it for you even if you dislike it. I think of the hadith about hating or loving someone too much and how it may not be good for us. I also think about patience and Allah swt mercy. I also think about my anger and how much I feed it. I think about how it can control my life if I let it. [quote] he even thinks that ...he is supposed to be the domineering one ...and he does not need to do anything for me as feeding and clothing me and having conversations with me...[/quote] I know exactly what you are saying. I do not have the answer for you. The only thing that worked for me was praying. You do have control to make choices. Do you want to live with him or without him? Do you want a divorce? You have a child now- Your life is know not all about you. Will he change? Some do, some don't , some take years to change, others never do. [quote] he will do anything for his sister or mother[/quote]. Well at least you know he has potential. [quote] getting him to do stuff for me and so he makes it known that he is not happy when i ask him to do even the smallest thing .... he feels that after work he does not need to anything round the house as his work is done for the day.[/quote] selfish and lazy. that is all there is to it. Prophet Muhammad [saw] did so much around his house. [quote]what can i do to change his mentality [/quote] My dearest Sister- I don't know, ... ask Allah swt for help as He swt is the one that can help you. [quote].but when he accuses me of trying to pull a fast one then it hurts abd i breakdown. [/quote] I made a resolution one year. Every time I was spoken to disrespectfully- I would just say oudtha billahi and walk away. Every time he did not listen i would walk away and wouhd never repeat it... of course I would say something to pique his interest as I would walk away. The first year with a baby is soooooooooooooo tough. Some boys are not ready for the responsibility. Some new mom's go through post partum depression. How did you meet? [wlm] |
| 06/27/02 at 20:26:23 |
| Kathy |
| Re: I hate my husband? |
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| sam |
| 06/28/02 at 05:15:46 |
| [wlm] can u beleive it...it was a love marraige...we kind of knew each other as our mothers knew one another. we just bumped into each other one day adn foremd a freindship...we worked close by to each other s we used to take the same train home and get off at the same station. we ahd another argyment last night and he has blamed his anger on me that i bring it on beause of the my rections to when he tells me do do dstuff. i told himit's his tone that i get upset on and that i do agree with most thinsg he tells me to do..althoug advice and ordering is always used ina very staught tone. he thinks i am choldish and when i try to expalin that all woemn have problems with the way they are spoken to by husbands then he dismmisses that. ami i wrong? |
| Re: I hate my husband? |
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| Marcie |
| 06/28/02 at 10:21:50 |
| [color=Teal] [slm] Sister Sam, I'm sorry that you are going through such tough times. :'( I know how hard it can be when the marriage hits a rough patch. You really can't change your husband, but you can change yourself. Insha'Allah you should continue to make dua for yourself and your husband. You need to be as patient as possible when he gets mad at you, so that the arguments don't escalate. Try to not say anything. I know that this can be hard. It is a skill that I'm still working on. My husband and I agreed that when either one of us says something that is not islamic the other one should say atak Allah (not sure of the spelling) or fear Allah. Maybe you should try that. Is there any way that you can visit your family for a while, so that things can cool off? Insha'Allah things will work out. [wlm] Marcie :-)[/color] |
| Re: I hate my husband? |
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| Kathy |
| 06/28/02 at 10:45:32 |
| [slm] Sam, I am here to listen to you. I really do understand what you are going through and have been through it too. I just need to clarify that I am not a counselour, a scholor, or a learned one. I am scared that I may give you advice that would cause your marriage harm. As you know we are not seeing both sides of view. I would like to suggest that your hubby post. I am cautious- because I understand the reprecautions that may have for you. Sounds like both of you have different issues. I do not know if you are being sensitive or if he really is being a control jerk. We all have our hot spots of insecurity. I know I have gone over the edge over a simple comment my hubby made- when he really meant nothing about it. I have also seen him get hot and bothered over something I have said, when I meant nothing bad. Shoot even on this message board people misinterpret things all the time. To address your post: [quote]we worked close by to each other s we used to take the same train home and get off at the same station.[/quote] Ah so this is how you met- and now he is doing the same thing ... no wonder you are concerned. Please remember these actions do not neccessarily mean he is cheating on you. You just had a baby. Your marital relations are probably off keel. Also- your hubby now sees you as a mother... this is a problem for some men. On the other hand, perhaps now he wants you to be perfect like his mom and he does not realise that you are new to this! [quote]we ahd another argyment last night and he has blamed his anger on me that i bring it on beause of the my rections to when he tells me do do dstuff. [/quote] What are your reactions? Do you cry?, yell?, listen as patiently as you can? Many a woman can say "yes, Dear" and stop an arguement. For some men this is neccessary... for the inteligent man... he would not mind a little "dialoging." [quote]i told him it's his tone that i get upset on...althoug advice and ordering is always used in a very staught tone.[/quote] There is a saying- you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar....but you know this. Perhaps he can not "hear" your concerns... try writing a letter to him on how you feel. Do not write an accusitory letter. Re write it a couple of times and then wait a day or two. if you feel that it is viable give it to him. This would be a very important letter... write it carefully. If you want me to go over it- im me. [quote]...i try to expalin that all woemn have problems with the way they are spoken to by husbands[/quote] Everyone has problems with being spoken to in a demeaning tone...it surely is not a woman's problem! I noticed in the last couple of posts you have not directly answered many of my questions. I do ask them for a reason... to understand your situation better. [i]Our Lord! Grant that our spouses and our offspring be a comfort to our eyes, and give us the grace to lead those who are conscious of You. (25:74) [/i] Ameen. |
| 06/28/02 at 10:46:44 |
| Kathy |
| Re: I hate my husband? |
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| sam |
| 07/01/02 at 16:20:55 |
| [slm] well i do still love him though when he is hurtful i really dispise him esp when he says that he wish he didn't marry me as it was a big mistake and then tells me how 100's of women wanted to marry him. when he tells me to do stuff..he uses a very flat tone which has a hint of annoyance in it. i then either explain the reason for doing what i am then. or i look annoyed because he again is not happy with the way i am doing things. then when he shouts at my reaction i cry. this weekend was nice as we both were calm and did not argue aor quarral one bit...at the moment he is abroad on atraing program for a week, maybe that's why he held hid tongue..i don't know. i still don't know whether he regrets what he did in the bus or nwhether he still thinks nithing of it thus may do it again. kathy...although you are not a scholar or a leaned one as you put it...i really really appreciate your replies...you really listen to me..thankyou!!! ;) |
| Re: I hate my husband? |
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| amatullah |
| 07/07/02 at 15:49:33 |
| Bismillah and salam, Sister Sam I don't know if you realize this but some of the things that you listed in the last post are really minute. I mean, i dont' see it as abusive or something out of the oridary. In life these things happen. and he will make mistakes as will you since neither is perfect. But the prophet saws said not to look for the faults instead think of what pleases you in that person. There is a hadeeth about that. It is the power of positive thinking. You have to stop being so critical and always listening for disapproval and negativity. About the bus incident, i say fear Allah. Come close to Allah, make sincere repentance to him and make a dua for you husban in every prayer. You need to find the root of the problem, which as woman i think you might be able to feel it in your heart. here are some ideas: -smile to him -talk about nice memories of love and romance. If there isn't any, make some. cook a nice meal of all his favorites, one glass to drink from,etc -meet him at the door to greet him with a hug like he is your lost son coming back. ANd when he leaves say a dua outloud for him. -dont' forget to look nice. Many of us when we get married we stop trying to look as pretty as possible, which is in fact a worship for us. What else can we ask for? we put make up and nice clothes and it is all accounted for us as rewards insha'Allah. -understand his financial situation. be resourceful, show him your creativity. -there is no shame in asking him for kind words and love. -learn what his interests are and read up alittle about htem so as to be able to have conversations that are interesting to him as well. I am not saying leave your intersts. But this is what happens...they meet strangers women and they pretend they care so much about every little word and all this and then they come home and the wife couldn't care less about who is the best soccer player, or engineering, or whatever. They want the attention like kids, really they do. -always have changes...in the house decor, in your styles, in topics,etc -be a da3eya, put nice muslim lecture cassette in his car. or bring up a situation about some story and give a clear message that who commits zina it comes back to them in their families. it is like a debt. but mostly bring him closer to Allah through the love of Allah not the fear. It is said to be stronger one. -happiness lies in the satisfaction. so even if you have little if you are satisfied with it you will be happy. don't expect him to be perfect. Do not stoop to low levels of argument. Like if he says he could've married anyone, you say me too lots wanted me,etc it wont' go anywhere. show him it is the one who holds his tongue who is in power eventually, he is made to feel small or regret by all that he says. and he will stop it if you dont' encourage it insha'Allah -Dont' make a big deal of the little things. let as much as you really can pass by. try to accept him as you wish to be truely accepted by him. -push off the laziness, make daily,weekly, monthly plans for yourself in all aspects. -Don't hold a grudge. If he tries to fix things, dont use it as a time to let him know why you were upset, show forgiveness and leaniancy. This is your life partner, a contract you made with Allah as witness. he will be the one to take care of you if anythign la qaddar Allah happens. Find a better time later. but for now, it is hard for anyone to admit mistakes and come to apologize or to make up indirectly, so take it up on him. My sister is islam, we are supposed to make 70 excuses for our brother or sister if htey make a mistake and if we cant' find the reason then you should blame yourself. That is a meaning of a hadeeth. And whenever one fixes their relationship with Allah, all else falls into place. Do not do shirk of the ni3ma the blessing Allah has bestowed upon you. THere are women who wish to have your problems instead of theirs. There are women who pray day and night for husbands, and they are lonely and the nubmer of women is increasing. There is women in different places who's husbands are getting torn apart and killed. This is a naseeha for the sake of Allah and insha'Allah one day you will make a dua for me :) |
| Re: I hate my husband? |
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| mama2two |
| 07/08/02 at 23:39:09 |
| [slm]Wow, Sam, I feel for you! You are in the tough situation of being a new mother. (I happen to think a woman needs to grow an extra limb for each child she has, just so she can keep up with the increasing demands on her!) It is heartbreaking that instead of being supportive of you and working alongside you, he is belittling you, etc. :'( I think that the main problem is you consider Islam your deen, and an Islamic way of life your responsibility. It does not sound like he does. The key may be to somehow bring him closer to Allah and the teachings of the Prophet [saw]. Then he will begin to realize what his role and yours are. If at all possible do try counseling. With a child in the picture, do everything you can to salvage your relationship. That does not mean stay together even if he is abusive to you, but try to actually improve the quality of the relationship. If your husband does not practice showing you respect, your child will learn that wives are to be abused and belittled! Ask mother-in-law for help with issue of his being domineering. Can she help teach him to respect you? You said he does everything for his mother and sister, and that she is an old friend of your mother's. If you get along with her, you may find a key ally in her. Try to get her to be supportive of you in front of him. I know some men who think it is beneath them to work in the home or help with the baby...like Kathy said, they should look at the example of the Prophet [saw], the greatest of men. As for being disrespectful to wives or talking to them in a demeaning way, your husband should remember the Hadith that states (roughly) "the best among men is he who treats his wife well." He should remember that jannah lies beneath the mother's feet, and that your new status as a mother elevates you to a most honorable position. I pray that your situation improves. One final thought...if you are suspicious of the "bus thing", please put it out of your mind. Suspicion is a seed implanted in your mind by Shaaitan, and you don't need to help Shaaitan by allowing that seed to develop. Unless there is any concrete evidence that he did anything (and you don't seem to think there is) let it go as a minor and temporary transgression. I agree with Kathy that the new baby (and the lack of marital relations that may result) could be causing your husband to "look ;D" elsewhere. However, until and unless you have real evidence that he is being unfaithful, don't waste your precious time and energy on thinking about it. May Allah help you and all of us with our problems...and may Allah help us appreciate all the good things that make us forget our problems. :) |
| Re: I hate my husband? |
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| sam |
| 07/10/02 at 08:19:04 |
| [slm] amutullah and mamma2two. thankyou for your very thorough posts. amatullah..i have been doing most of what you had written ie...greet him with a hug as he enters, look nice, getting inloved with topics that interest him etc. since coming back we have been great alh...yesterday night after putting our son to bed i massaged his legs whilst watching tv...he really appreciated it....oh and mangoes always makes him happy. mama2two you asked whether i can get hismother to help..well she has been a widow since a couple of months after my husbands birth..she has taught him all that he needed to know...she always emphasises how much she used to do ofr her husband etc so i don't think she can help much at all. anyway i am not going to discuss the bus incident even though i really need to hear that he will not do that again although yesterday i did ask him if she came into work (she is not a permanent feature in his office but comes and goes), hje said he hasn't seen her since that day on the bus. (i asked only coz i want to meet her-she has invited me and my son to a women's only party. i just wanted to know whether she has fixed a date) anyway alh all is well...for now thanq all |
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| Anonymous |
| 07/11/02 at 04:06:28 |
| Salaams everyone Dear sister sam..i have been reading your posts for awhile now and i think that i need to say something. It seems like all these other women on the board are telling you to. Be nicer to your husband, and give him all this extra attention and take care of his every whim...just so that he treats YOU with respect. and i do remeber you saying that your pregnant...so really you should be the one sitting down relaxing while your HUSBAND feeds you mangoes and massages YOUR FEET!! not the other way around. my adivce to you is stop doing all these EXTRA things for your husband (ie. feeding him magoes,or rubbing his ) feet) just cook him his dinner ..if you want to. and go to bed..becasue pregnant women need their rest. oh and i seriously think you need to get away from this controlling loser and go to your parents house or just sparate..and i know you maybe hesitant about maybe getting a divorce in the future becasue of your kids...but having your kids around a man like your husband is not good...because then they get the idea that its ok to treat your wife like that and its NOT!!! ok well thats my two cents salaams. |
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| Fatimah |
| 07/11/02 at 06:37:13 |
| Salam alaikum Anonymous, I was really shocked with your post and I had to comment. First of all, Sam is not pregnant..she has a 4 month old baby. Second, you should not be calling her husband a controlling loser. Remember he is a brother in Islam. Name calling is not in Islam. Thirdly, You do not know both sides to this story. I would really advise anyone not to judge a situation until you know both sides to any story. And why would you advise her to stop doing these extra things for her husband, when it is her choice to do so? Perhaps she is trying to pull her marriage together right now, she has said that she loves him. Pleasing your husband is a worship to Allah. Perhaps she is looking for the reward. I see nothing wrong with what she did, I acually see something good. We as muslims should not try to seperate between man and wife. Divorce should be the last solution to any problem. We as muslims should be careful to what we say because everything we say and do is written. *oh and i seriously think you need to get away from this controlling loser* I really dont call this good advice. When we give advice it also is to please Allah. Do you think this above statement puts weight on your good deeds? Allahu Alim. *just cook him his dinner ..if you want to. and go to bed..* Is this really how you advise someone who loves their husband to improve their relationship? I take it that Sam doesnt work, and that her husband does. The majority of the scholars say that it is her responsibilty to cook for her home. What do you mean, if you want to? I mean, come on. Can you imagine her taking your advice and not cooking dinner...The outcome would make things worse. Remember, we are trying to advise and improve, not make more problems. *but having your kids around a man like your husband is not good...* We do not know her husband, so really we cannot judge... Sam, If your relationship is getting better, Alahmdulilah! If it continues to make you unhappy, please go talk to someone. I think an Imam is the best choice. |
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| jannah |
| 07/11/02 at 12:54:24 |
| [slm] I'm really uncomfortable with us discussing sister Sam's (or anyone's) marriage in detail on a public message board. Also we seem to be giving Sam all this different advice when we don't know the exact details of her marriage, nor have the input from both sides nor have any objective viewing of her or her husband in real life. Since this is an extremely delicate and important subject I don't think this is appropriate or beneficial. I think those who still would like to give their advice on the subject of the details of her marriage may do so via Madina Message/email. Jazakamullahu khairan. |
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