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Brothers Only: Putting the foot down?

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Brothers Only: Putting the foot down?
Anonymous
05/20/02 at 18:14:08
as-salamu alaikum

Dear brothers, i have a question.

Lets say you ask your wife to do something (mundane) for you, and she refuses. How do you
determine whether its just a manifestation of the woman's creation from the rib and let
it pass, perhaps with a joke, and when/how do you determine that its a case of her just
plain being lazy and not interested in listening to you, such that its time for you to put
your foot down and come out with the "i'm the head of the household" speech.

Perhaps br. Uthmaan can has some advice?

jazakumullahu khair

PS with all due respect, this is specifically for the brothers to answer
Re: Brothers Only: Putting the foot down?
BroHanif
05/20/02 at 18:28:25
[slm],

Always have sabr in matters with the wife, thats what I say. If she refuses do it yourself. And if you make her understand why she needs to do a certain action she may come to you easily rather than putting the foot down.

salaams

Hanif
Re: Brothers Only: Putting the foot down?
jaihoon
05/21/02 at 01:39:39
*Always have sabr in matters with the wife*

Boy! that's gonna be really hard,isn't? :o
Re: Brothers Only: Putting the foot down?
muqaddar
05/21/02 at 07:38:06
[slm]

 Minor matters ignore eg her cooking or she dosn't like ironing
 questions of honour put your foot down

 At the end of the day if the woman has no respect for your honour then
 how can you trust her?

 As Sheikh Saadi said Life goes for everyone but be careful to hold on to your honour
 
Re: Brothers Only: Putting the foot down?
BrKhalid
05/21/02 at 08:54:41
Asalaamu Alaikum ;-)

You know this question really relates to human behaviour and why people do certain things a certain way.

You ask your wife to do something and she refuses. Why???

Was it the way you asked her?
Was it something she disliked?
Was it something she couldn't do at that time?
Was it to see how you would react?

Etc Etc

My point being you have to try and understand what motivates someone to do something and the easiest most straightforward way to do that is to talk to them and find out.

Only then can you decide on what you should do.
Re: Brothers Only: Putting the foot down?
WhatDFish
05/21/02 at 10:18:56
[slm]

uh, why me? lol. im not married, im afraid i cant answer ur question mate. . . say, tell her, "Woman! Ure sleepin outside tonite!" :D

ok jokes aside, there could be alot of reasons why she did not listen to you at that particular time, so therefore no need to put ur foot down or use headofhousehold speech drama etc. there are other reasons and situations where one as to put down the foot but im not for the headofthehousehold speech.

in the eg. u gave, it would seem there is a lack of understanding in the relationship. apart from the questions raised by BroKhalid it could be how you treated before that.

so lets say if you ever ask ur wife to do something and she doesnt do it, then just go ahead and do it urself. but if there is love and understanding in your relationship, you would do what each other asks and more.

but if she repeatedly refuses to do what u ask then perhaps u cd try the headofthehousehold speech, haha! no what i mean is if it ever comes to that, then you and ur wife both have to sit down and talk things thru, examine where ure failing in ur role as a husband and ask her why shes behaving the way she is.

or . .or she simply didnt feel like doin it that time which is a perfect legitimate reason/excuse no?
05/21/02 at 10:20:05
WhatDFish
Re: Brothers Only: Putting the foot down?
Abu_Hamza
05/21/02 at 14:07:20
[slm]

Interesting thread!

Reminds me of the famous saying of one of the salaf ... that when they disobeyed a commandment of Allah (swt), they would see it in the behavior of their wives, children, and even their animals (horses, camels) sometimes!  So a man would ask his wife to do something for him, and she would refuse, and at that moment, he would immediately turn inward and ask himself - why is she acting this way towards me?  What is it that [i]I[/i] did that Allah (swt) is punishing me through her disobedience?!  And at that moment, being at the maqaam [level/station] that they were at, they would realize what it was that they had done, and seek forgiveness from Allah (swt) for their actions!

Something else your post reminded me of:  

I think it was Abdullah Ibn Abbas (r.a.) who narrated this story.  He was a young child while he was staying in the house of the Prophet (pbuh).  One day, the Prophet (pbuh) entered the house and asked Abdullah if he would do a certain chore.  Abdullah, being a young'un, just turned around to the Prophet [saw] and said, "No!!"

(My reaction when I first heard this story:  :o )  

The reaction of the Prophet [saw] ?  

:)  <----  And then he walked out of the room saying nothing!

Sallallaahu alayhi wasallam!

Moments later, he (pbuh) came back into the room and saw Abdullah doing the same thing he was doing earlier (i.e. nothing :)), and asked him in amazement, "Abdullah, did you do that thing which I asked you to do a little while ago?"  Abdullah replied, "I'll go and do it right now," and ran off to do the chore.

Talk about disciplining the child!  

P.S.  I think  ;-) makes a really good point in his post.
05/21/02 at 14:13:21
Abu_Hamza
Re: Brothers Only: Putting the foot down?
jaihoon
05/22/02 at 04:07:53
[slm]

that's very a sensible point, Abu_Hamza!

A pretty good lesson for parents and elders...

Perhaps nothing is as humane as Madina! sallallahu alaihi wa sallam!
Re: Brothers Only: Putting the foot down?
BrKhalid
05/22/02 at 05:40:44
Asalaamu Alaikum ;-)

[quote]What is it that I did that Allah (SubHana Wa Ta`ala) is punishing me through her disobedience?![/quote]

Its actually amazing how many people will resort to blaming other people or something for some sort of misfortune or something going wrong with their lives when in fact the root of the problem is themselves.

Allah the Most Gracious Says:

[color=Red]Whatever misfortune happens to you, is because on the things your hands have wrought, and for many (of them) He grants forgiveness[42:30][/color]


May Allah grant us all the wisdom of our pious predecessors.
05/22/02 at 05:43:33
BrKhalid
Re: Brothers Only: Putting the foot down?
jaihoon
05/22/02 at 05:51:22
[slm]

As I see it, the verse doesn't contradict the situation here. The one who is at FAULT is the one being punished, not the wife. And the 'culprit' is blaming none other than himself for it. He sees the wife's disobedience as a 'means' of Allah's punishment becos his deed.

The phrase 'THROUGH her disobedience' makes it clear.



:) ... as I see it.``
05/22/02 at 05:52:21
jaihoon
Re: Brothers Only: Putting the foot down?
muqaddar
05/25/02 at 10:52:17
[slm]

 wow this was deeper than i thought

  inspiring ! ;D
Re: Brothers Only: Putting the foot down?
Al-Basha
05/25/02 at 18:37:47
[slm]

Ok well what do you mean have something mundane done for you? Like "get me some food?"

Well with all do respect bro if it is something like that get up and get it yourself. Seriously who said that your wife is a raggedy ann doll that you just throw around and tell her "get me this, get me that".

Either way bro, follow the sunnah of prophet muhammad  [saw]
and you'll find your answer there.


[quote author=Anonymous link=board=bro;num=1021932849;start=0#0 date=05/20/02 at 18:14:08]as-salamu alaikum

Dear brothers, i have a question.

Lets say you ask your wife to do something (mundane) for you, and she refuses. How do you
determine whether its just a manifestation of the woman's creation from the rib and let
it pass, perhaps with a joke, and when/how do you determine that its a case of her just
plain being lazy and not interested in listening to you, such that its time for you to put
your foot down and come out with the "i'm the head of the household" speech.

Perhaps br. Uthmaan can has some advice?

jazakumullahu khair

PS with all due respect, this is specifically for the brothers to answer
[/quote]
Re: Brothers Only: Putting the foot down?
Asim
05/25/02 at 19:52:28
Assalaamu alaikum,

LOL, I was counting how long it took before a sister could no longer resist and post to this thread!

Mashallah, sister safo for the most complete advice. I don't think the brothers who responded were encouraging anything wrong. Also, I think anon brother had a legitimate question that he wanted the brothers to answer.

For some explanation on the hadith anonymous is referring to and some general advice for brothers (and sisters) listen to Siraj Wahhaj's lecture The unique nature of women. I think it is available on jannah.com.

wasalaam.

P.S. Welcome to the board sister safo. Introduce yourself at the bebzi stand :)
05/25/02 at 21:08:23
Asim
Re: Brothers Only: Putting the foot down?
PeaceSeeker
06/09/02 at 05:43:55

 I didn't read any posts by sister safo on this thread, asim? who are you talking about?
Re: Brothers Only: Putting the foot down?
Asim
06/09/02 at 20:17:54
Her post was deleted because it was in a brothers-only thread... and I forgot to delete mine...


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